Thanks for that advice.
I've already written down a few minor things that I'll probably forget on a piece of note-paper. I'll keep it with me in my wallet just in case.
No problem. Glad to be somewhat helpful! Hope everything goes well with the appointment!
Yeah, you hit the nail on the head for why I do it. I'll try to create a loop of just drinking cans of coke, although I guess people would argue that's self harm too.
The creative stuff hardly ever works for me in the moment. It does afterwards though, now that you mention it. I fell asleep thinking about an extended metaphor I could write for that anthology.
Thanks for the advice, Prax.
Yesss, drinking Coke is better than the harm loop! And then you can step it up with something better, like water after a while. XD One thing at a time!
Yeah, creative stuff takes like.. mental ram. Self harm is like a virus alert, and you need to quarantine that/stop the executable (with a different loop/activity), and then after that alert mode is cleared, you can defrag with art. This is a very scientific metaphor and is completely apt!
o___o Oooh.. I wanna see all this anthology writing now..
Big milestone yesterday.
For some background info, my OCD mainly consists of checking. An example: I'll be walking down the street with an essay in my backpack. I get the urge to check to make sure it's there so I stop, open the bag, check, close the bag, immediately open the bag again to check to make sure it's still there, close the bag and then continue my walk. Then like 10 steps later I think "What it it fell out while I was checking", and repeat the whole process.
Well, ever since taking my medication the urges to check have become less frequent and also less strong. Some days I can completely fight off all the urges.
However, yesterday was awesome. It was the first day in years and years that I didn't have any urges at all. And the opportunity was there, it's always there. But I didn't have to fight any urges, they never came.
I know this doesn't mean I'm cured but I feel it's a major step in the right direction. Had some urges today already but yesterday really put me in a good mood. Hopefully this is a sign of a positive future.
The only downside is all the sleep I've been getting due to the meds has been messing with me. I feel tired but my body is saying "Nope, you've slept too much" and now I can't get to sleep even though I really really want to.
That sounds good! Glad the meds are helping you with the urges. Are you planning to talk to yoru doctor again so that maybe you can adjust the dose or have some kind of sleep aids that won't interfere with your other medication? I love sleep and I don't get enough, but usually I zonk out whenever I actually intend to. Not being able to and wanting to could create other issues.
Your text actually sums up my problem really well. I get a lot of anxiety/stress because my brain tends to notice things that most people probably never notice in their entire life.
You're also right that I tend to "forget" about these things if I can really make myself just keep playing the game. After a while, I start to ocus on the gameplay and the vision problem just becomes background noise like you say.
Problem is, whenever I'm not on the pc. I keep thinking about it and making it even worse. Then, when I actually want to play a game... my mind is already filled with anxiety etc and it'll only take one small error to activate full anxiety mode.
I should probably visit a doctor one of these days. I've been on the fence about anti depressants for a while now, but maybe they might help with my problem. I've never been on them though, but maybe it's needed at this point? I feel like I'm getting worse each day.
I think medication can definitely help you bring the anxiety down a level if you're finding it too hard to even focus away from them. I know some drugs are prescribed for both anxiety and depression, so talking to your doctor about what issue you feel is most affecting you (you said depression, but you listed a lot of anxiety issues that could be treated and maybe that would make the depression aspect less severe).
In the meantime, if you can overcome your anxiety to just go play your game anyway, that can be part of "teaching" your brain to tolerate it more. I'm not sure what your action is when you feel anxious. If it is to just avoid playing to feel relief/avoid the graphic detail that might bug you, that might just be teaching your brain to always use that as a solution. And that reinforces the whole anxiety => give up/retreat loop, and can make you feel like everything is getting worse out of control. You want to try to teach yourself the opposite now.
You don't need to rush headfirst into the game the moment you feel your anxiety spiking in order to battle it. If the thoughts keep coming into your head, treat it like a third-party thought. Like to yourself say "okay, I recognize that there's this anxiousness, and it's probably because of ___... HOWEVER, I want to do this (play my game), so I am going to." Kind of giving yourself some mental validation of what you feel, but also prioritize things because you got stuff to do! Try to relax yourself first when you feel anxious. Make sure you feel comfortable in your seat, and then think about what you want to accomplish in the game (some achievement or next level or exploring an area) or what will be fun to do, maybe read a faq/walkthrough, and then go do it and focus on that goal instead of the other stuff. I hope that makes sense and works for you!
im pretty sure severe eye floaters are ruinning my life
I sleep during the day because I cant look anywhere in daylight without seeing something like 8 squiggly long lines in each eye. Every time a solid color background shows up on my PC monitor I just feel like fucking crying
I honestly think ive become a depressed person over the last few months solely because of this (they stared appearing in february). I wanna gauge my eyes out. There's no solution, been to the eye doctor for weeks. this is now my life and I just cant deal with it, man. Gonna start therapy soon but I just want a medical solution and no one can give me one. I'd have to travel for surgery, spend a ton of money and risk losing my eyesight. It makes me not wanna do anything, I feel like I cant enjoy anything of the things I like. I cant fucking read, watch movies or play games without getting automatically distracted, and being outside is the worst of all
im losing it
I don't know how severe your floaters are, but I have had moments where they really bugged me and I'd think there is something on my paper where there wasn't, or I can't tell which line I've drawn because of the floaters + double vision.
Since this is a newish thing you're seeing, you're going to notice it a lot more, but it does eventually get a lot easier to ignore over time (for me anyway.. but I've noticed and lived with it for more than a decade). They kind of become background noise that you brain processes to exclude over time. Try to keep yourself relaxed and take it one day at a time or even play with the floaters a little (moving your eyes around to look at them) until your brain gets bored with them and focuses on something else.
I agree that they are stupid and annoying, but you and I got things we wanna do and see anyway, so circumvent and work around it (maybe have to read a page at a certain angle instead for a while) until your brain learns to ignore it. Good luck with the therapy.
Found myself standing on the balcony earlier. Not to enjoy the weather. It feels like there's no way out of this. I don't know what to do.
When you feel this way, remember to take a few deep breaths and sit down or at least have yourself feel physically stable (good stance and posture, maybe hold onto a wall).
When you're feeling like your emotions are all out of control or you don't know what to do, try to remind yourself that this means it's not time to make any big actions or make any big decisions. So call someone to just talk or focus on small tedious tasks you could be doing. I always suggest to go get a drink of water or figure out if you're hungry or maybe you want to go read a page from a book. Anything to bring you back down to a level where you can start thinking again. If you can make a list of tasks that you would find productive to do (maybe some chores, maybe a list of things to check out or look up eventually) but doesn't require too much mental exertion, have that around so you can feel like you have a structure or plan you can follow at all times.
I havent had fantasies about suicide, but I have had fantasies about wishing getting killed. I woudnt commit suicide because there are people who care about me, but if I was killed by some external factor it would clear me from all responsibility.
I am familiar with that line of fantasizing. But that's kind of on the same extreme spectrum of wishing I can just win the lottery so everything can be solved easily. I think it's okay to muse about those things sometimes, but keeping yourself grounded in the present and reinforcing the idea that you're still here, and there's stuff you want to do or have to do in the meanwhile is important in keeping you on a healthy path mentally.
Kind of a reminder dialogue of "Yeah, I guess it would be nice if it even worked, but eating this icecream right now is nice too, hoping to watch that new show/doc/movie is also nice, having fun with my family/friends is nice."
Acknowledging your fantasy or wayward thought exists, but reinforcing the healthier thoughts that give you an actual direction seems like the wisest way to go about it. That way, you don't have to shame yourself about everything and and don't feel mental tension around denial.
Lol, well me being delicate is true...I dunno about wispy. Been fluctuating between 105-115 these days at 5'0. I still prefer not to gain weight since 105 was my goal weight for awhile. Now that I kind of went back to my weight since last year...It feels a bit deflating.
Don't change your avatar! I'm too accustomed to you being a solar cat!
Yeah but I think with my addiction with bad food again (I think i'm going to buy more frozen yogurt later today =_=) it'll cause me to gain a ton of weight. Yes I'm aware to excercise, please don't suggest that. It's just these days I really have no motivation for it...At most I take strolls around the garden and see if there's anything needed to be harvested. Went out in the sunlight for the first time in awhile and actually stayed in it. Felt weird because as my skin is naturally brown (it went to the point of being pale and almost white) I can somewhat feel the color come back...I dunno what the point of this ramble was...
You're welcome I suppose. Don't think that helped anyone though...
Been trying to take care of myself...There was too much stuff happening these past few weeks...Hopefully now I can finally rest after my final exam is done...I have to keep reminding myself to reach out to friends again. Been trying to isolate myself again and that's obviously not smart. Thankfully people checked on me yesterday..
That seems like a healthy weight though! (I am the type to think that anything under 140lb is passable lol --my new avatar would probably still be Solar Cat but in a different style~)
And yeah, I don't think I would have suggested exercise.. if only at this moment, I know that feel. I should be exercising but have little motivation so I don't wanna be hypocritical. My friend once told me.. it's easier to just control portions than to put in the effort of exercising. XD
All the stress is probably making you crave the food more, but maybe with the exam over and things settling a little (I hope!), you can focus on making healthy food for fun or miniature food for fun, and then the bonus side would be tricking yourself into having small portions. But you are also strolling and harvesting and getting warmed by the sun. I think the point was that it almost became a metaphor for you feeling rejuvenated again, or at least recharging--even the spreading your roots/branches and reaching out some more. I think that sounds pretty good!
Depression can cause low sex drive, right? Is this always the case though?
Figured i have low sex drive, not that it really bothers me (asking more out of curiosity).
One-night stands are out of question, i don't trust people easily/fast, and frankly, idea of sex with someone i don't trust doesn't appeal to me at all. (This includes prostitutes)
And i really don't like children (nor want them), and i don't particularly want a relationship (doubly so while i'm depressed, gotta take care of myself first). Of course, i reckon i need to meet more people first (there might be someone i really like), but i know i've never really cared for the idea of living with someone for rest of my life (yeah yeah, not all relationships last for life).
This would leave "friends with benefits" arrangements but i feel those may become complicated fast. Would prefer nothing compromising friendships.
Frankly, i wouldn't mind being able to keep low sex drive even if/when i get rid of depression (if caused by depression). If only for being different from others (i already think i think differently from others, along with quite rare political views and other things so what's one more "oddity" to add to the mix?).
EDIT anyone thinking me odd, and having a problem with that, fuck off. I am what i am, you don't like it, go to hell. Requiring "normality" is bullshit.
Feel free to think me odd otherwise. Just don't say i should be "normal". Or think that for that matter.
I am sure depression can indeed cause a low sex drive (and it kind of dampens a lot of enjoyment from any pleasurable activity and takes motivation away from doing most things).
From what you say, it almost sounds like there are aspects about the depression that you are afraid you will miss once you get treated for it. I think a lot of people do appreciate the level of introspection and sensitivity and possibly even creativity they have when they have depression. And maybe you appreciate the low sex drive you have (as having a higher one can complicate your life more). It makes sense to me; but being treated for depression doesn't mean all those positive aspects will leave too.
But if you've always had a low sex drive, maybe the depression isn't really factoring into it, and that's just a part of who you are. You don't really need to try to justify being fine with it, even if most of society for some reason puts such a premium on sex. As long as you can enjoy your life with little to no sex, and platonic friendships, then it's fine. Human sexuality comes in all spectrums. Have you looked into anything about asexuality?
