I feel like I'm going crazy again.
Last few days/weeks, I was starting to feel "ok" again, but today (yesterday night) changed that again.
I was playing some Guild Wars 2 (gaming is good to avoid depression/ocd thinking), but after a while I started to notice a big imperfection that has been haunting me for a while now: objects/npc's (etc etc) that become blurry when I pan the camera. It's like everything becomes like this image:
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-mYplcrWBdgA/TznYGaMIAVI/AAAAAAAAAXY/IiIW2YLIO9s/s1600/Double+vision.jpg when I move my character left/right and the camera follows. After a while, I wasn't playing the game anymore, I kept looking for the effect above. While doing it, I felt this anxious feeling in my stomach, as if my body knew I was getting irritated. I just logged out and turned off the computer and I haven't used it since. I'm currently typing this text on an old laggy laptop... while I have a high end computer in my room.
I don't even know why above effect is annoying me. It's normal for monitors (I have an ASUS 1ms G2G monitor) I've read multiple times, but that doesn't help me. I'm not even sure it's OCD related... I hope it is, else I'm really getting crazy..
I've actually sold a previous monitor because it was bothering me with the same problem (Dell u2312HM) so I figured this 1ms Asus monitor would be better... it actually was for a few days and I played Guild Wars 2 on it a lot, but now I noticed the exact same effect as on my first monitor and now I'll probably abandon it as well.. I just don't understand why I keep focussing on it. I've been thinking about it the entire day, even when I'm not on the pc.
Worst part if my brother is just next to my room playing on his pc. The fact he's just gaming without any problems at all while I'm obsessed over this stupid thing is even bothering me more. I'm not even finding anything online about this problem. Like nobody else notices this problem I see.
PS: I notice this effect on my PS Vita (30 fps games) and TV (ps3, HD TV programs) as well. It's probably one of these things 99,9% of people don't notice or it doesn't bother them.
I guess you're getting really annoyed at weird ghosting effects or something.
I think I know that feeling. I get a really anxious feeling when I start noticing my eye-floaters more or when my eyes are tired and my astigmatism makes me notice the double-vision more (same effect as you see on your monitor!). I hate vision occlusions in general and small spots of dust or streaks on my glasses drive me nuts if I start noticing so I have to clean them often~
But yeah, I think your noticing and getting an anxiety spike and then focusing on it only ramps up those feelings you have. And then maybe you start making associations and putting your brain into an anxiety loop. Like maybe you realize you are feeling this anxiety, and keep wanting to "solve it" despite it not being one of those things you can just fix. But because your brain is persistent, it keeps going over the problem trying to solve it anyway, putting you in a loop. I find the best way to deal with the issue is just to keep doing whatever you're doing (like playing the game and doing other activities to focus your attention away from it) until those details become background noise again.
Do you have a lot of issues with anxiety and getting stressed over small and what many people would think are insignificant things in general? People generally don't see what they aren't looking for and the brain fills in the rest. Give your eyes a break and find another task to do (like organizing or cooking some food that has prep work). If you want to keep gaming, try to put your focus on something else on the screen in the meanwhile, like a life bar or damage numbers or the overall flow of the game and your actions to nudge your brain away from the ghosting and framerate and maybe your brain will settle down about it.
In light of the conversation, this feels attention-whorey but maybe it can be of help to other people who don't feel comfortable asking.
So self harm. Anyone else have issues with this? Particularly, anyone else done a good job of overcoming it? Like, coping mechanisms so that you don't get caught up in the moment. The logic of why not to do it makes sense after the fact, but not during so I don't know. A friend suggested calling people, but I really can never make the leap of actively seeking out help when I'm feeling down. If someone is already talking to me fine, but I can't help feeling like I'm imposing when calling someone out of the blue for something like that.
I haven't had to deal with issues of physical self harm, but in my mind, I think the idea is it's a form of self-punishment and also an outlet for pent-up anxiety/stress from emotions. If you can still reason with yourself, it could be helpful to give yourself the space to think of whether his is the right way to deal with the feelings you have. Whether you are punishing yourself for something that you would not blame someone else for if the same had happened to them. That there is still hope for something else or you can do something small to fix your situation or make peace rather than just hurting yourself.
I understand though that there are times when there is no use in reasoning with your own brain and things just need to be "done" because your body is full of this tense energy. If you can't call someone right away, try to find way to redirect your thoughts and fulfill a different need instead. Like Oomi said, I suggested a kind of list to go through when the thought arises. So before anything else, you take a few deep breaths, swallow your saliva and go find something like milk or water or tea to take a sip of, then figure out if you're hungry and make some food. Etc. You have a whole list of things to do to take the focus away and put yourself into a different mindset or thought loop until the urges go away. Or if they don't go away, you repeat the task loop because it's a better loop.
I also think having an alternate outlet besides your body could work. You can channel this creatively maybe? Writing out a poem or paragraph about it, drawing an image with slashes, pounding a piece of clay. You can make it symbolic, which takes it a step away from physically hurting yourself, but your brain may be satisfied by the symbolism of it and the overwhelming urge can go away enough for you to do something else.
(Also, it doesn't have to be good and you can trash your stuff, but I treasure are usually, so I'd suggest for you to take a picture and document your artistic journal and struggle with yourself so it becomes "something more" part from yourself too. I tend to think creative outlets are a powerful way for people to feel a sense of achievement or agency if other parts of their lives are not yet able to give that to them.)
Well doing that with food at the moment, not really caring if I gain weight and eating anything in sight. (And have a feeling I'll eat this tub of ben and jerry's frozen yogurt in one day =_=)
I pretty much am gaining the weight I lost four months back...
Issues as in do I do it? Yeah I have done it.
ODing and slashing my arm up, the scars are still there. I pretty much starved myself at one point but that didn't last long...
I think as for coping methods...One of the things that stop me from doing it so often as I have done in the past is giving myself a reason to keep going. A glimmer of hope, even miniscule, that there's a chance of living through all this shit was actually worth something in the end. Dreams of landing your dream job, waiting for the next Zelda game (ok I dunno bout that one...), waiting for a big concert or event coming up, building yourself so you have the potential to find love, or I know a lot of people here try to think of their family and loved ones before they even do anything.
I do agree that calling people is helpful, but I do understand it does feel imposing when you're calling out of the blue...I'm having issues with that myself but...think it's important to realize if you are really bothering them, they wouldn't bother to talk to you at all or even listen to you in the first place (you can tell full blown right away who those people are after a few minutes...).
Although there is the case where you block people out intentionally so you won't be able to stop yourself...That is more challenging and something I also battle with a lot. I think the only advice I can give for people in that state is try to do something abnormal you normally don't do in a suicidal state. Prax suggested me ages ago (I gotta find that list...) to realize I need to drink something, it could be anything, water, tea, milk etc. You have to choose something and go with it. Take the time to slowly drink it and just maybe the relaxation of doing things slowly will enable you to realize you need to talk to someone or a friend.
I dunno, I hope this helps someone.
Edit: Pau the icon change confused me, I had no idea who I was replying to at first!
Is the gaining weight part really bad? Because of your avatars (and you changed it toooo! Now I want to change mine! HRM..), I keep thinking you are wispy and delicate and maybe you could use some muscle mass! xD
It's okay to indulge once in a while. And frozen yogurt isn't as bad as icecream, so uhm.. it's kind of in moderation, so you made a wiser choice than otherwise (even if you wanna say "well, all that HAD was yogurt, so it really wasn't my doing at all..", you can give yourself the freebie victory and it's okay).
I think what you wrote is good. Nothing might be 100% effective, but every little bit helps because it's like another strategy to use, and over time, the practice of all of them becomes a habit that can become a part of you.
I know you are having tough times too and I hope you're trying to take care of yourself and letting other take care of you too while dealing with all of it. And also remind yourself to take lots of breaks from even thinking about all of it because it is tiring.
I should be seeing my GP this week for the first time in years. Going to bring up my depression and anxiety and hopefully not leave empty-handed, which has been one of my biggest fears of talking to a doctor about this. I always think I won't be able to explain myself well enough, and fail to "convince" them that I have a problem. I appreciate that I'm not the doctor, and everything up to this point is self-diagnosis, but I have a fair idea of what I want to try (an SSRI) based on my own research and reading other people's experiences. In addition to explaining how I feel/symptoms, should I tell the doctor that's what I'm looking for, or leave it all up to them? Are SSRIs commonly prescribed on the first visit?
I think a lot of doctors will have had patients in the past who are in your situation and hey should be able to recognize that and refer you to help or give you some direction.
I think although you have a good idea of what you want, it's good to just discuss everything with your doctor honestly and get their take on it. Mention your symptoms and how it has been affecting your life, and mention the research you've done yourself and even how nervous you feel even bringing all of this up.
I'm sure Bagels or others with more experience with this can also help with suggestions, but glad you're taking the first step to ask for help int he first place! It was daunting for me too and I was kind of.. pleasantly surprised by how kind everyone was or how easy it was despite my worst-case-scenario fears. If you're the type to blank out, make a list to refer to (I know every time I go, I usually forget to bring up one or two things because I'm distracted).
I think the issue I personally have is that after a while, it's like beating a dead horse. I know my situation isn't changing, my friends know it isn't changing so when I call them out of desperation, the conversation is basically already pre-ordained. They get desensitized to it after a while ("Oh, he's just depressed again.") and the only way to shake them up is to threaten suicide during the worst days but of course, they eventually get desensitized to that as well. It's a sick, twisted situation that often happens in severe depression. You can hurt others just by trying to let them know how much you're hurting.
Yeah. It's hard because you know your friends and family aren't professionally trained to deal with this stuff, and no one including yourself wants to feel helpless because they don't know what to do to help you. I think a strategy to employ to help yourself and your friends/family is to suggest a weekend or future date to hang out to distract yourself. Like a "Okay, I'm feeling.. really.. really low. I just want to go see a movie and not even think. You free this Friday?". That tells them how you feel, but also shows you're putting in effort to try to cope by making a suggestion yourself, and it also and a kind of "future" by setting a day away from your immediate circumstance. If they are busy or something, try to follow through with the thing anyway. Like go to the movie and say you'll call them up and tell them how good it was. Hopefully that makes it easier on your relationships with people.
However, it's also important to also have professional help or to be able to call a crisis line too because they are actually trained to deal with those situations on a regular basis. The more supports and avenues and footholds, the better for you to be able to climb out of that dark place.
