Man, there's nothing magical about writing. That was a much better post than you give yourself credit for. You've got the skill, you only need as much imagination as you can muster, and the motivation will come. It's like anything else - the more you practice, the easier and better it gets. That works for both content as well as the mechanics (I thought I fixed my handwriting after I broke my hand in 1999, but it looked terrible in 2001, and I was still trying cursive! Ugh!). Anyway, I like using different fountain pens/pencils/colored pencils/etc on different kinds of paper, so that helps motivate me to write. I just like writing stuff, so I'll take any excuse to do it. So find something that's kind of fun to do - get an old typewriter (as jackbugs told me), get a cool pen (I use this one all the time for GAF doodles- black ink, red ink, mechanical pencil and it feels nice and solid), find nice blogging software - whatever will motivate you to write. And don't start all "DEAR DIARY, HERE ARE MY DEEPEST FEELINGS!" Write about what songs you're listening to! That seems pretty natural for you.
I think you underestimate people (including yourself!). It is really, really hard to admit that you have this problem, but it usually feels so much better when you can make that leap. And I've found people to be way more understanding than I could ever dream. The usual response when I tell someone, "hey, I'm sorry I'm like this right now. My depression has gotten really bad," is "gosh, I have depression too!" It's not always going to be that great, but you'd be surprised.
We have no shortage of wise people in here to talk to. People will generally let you know if it's too much. And man, I think of you as a great listener, who tries to be really helpful here and in chat. Don't ever feel bad about taking a little help if people are offering it! Not that anyone needs to earn help, but you've put a lot into this community - let us help you in return.
And I always enjoy you sharing music! That is my number one stay against depression.
Thanks Bags, that means a lot. I could write some random stuff about music, yeah. For example, right now I'm listening to "Shine on you crazy diamond (parts 6-9)", and this is what I can say about it: IT'S SO GOOD IT MAKES ME POST IN ALL CAPS.
I still don't dare to admit to other people that I have this problem. And to be honest, I don't really know if it's truly depression or not, as I never got it diagnosed. I suppose it is, but since I haven't heard it from a professional, that's all it is: an assumption.
I know there's many smart people here. And thanks for saying that I like to help if I can, be it listening to what others have to say, or posting random songs to try and make people enjoy the day a little bit. So I may actually ask for some help if I ever get to a new low, though I hope it doesn't come to that point!
Your video is what rock should be about: just playing it fucking loud, and having a great time!
There can be no answer for us all.
There can be no stopping what is ever changing.
Living for the perfect dream,
it's time to make a resolution.
There will be some peace in our hearts and our minds.
We can all find a way to resolve our differences,
there's no way we can lose.
When we all realize that there are no differences
there's no way we can lose.
Ready or not!
We can all find a way...
We will be forgiving to the ones we love.
We will see the blossoming of the new spirit.
Shaping everything to our design
we'll build a brighter future.
We will free ourselves from the chains that would bind.
We can all find a way to resolve our differences,
there's no way we can lose.
When we all realize that there are no differences
there's no way we can lose.
No way we can lose!
Ready or not!
Ready or not!
There's no way we can lose!
I've seen a solid number of psychiatrists over the years, and she was really the first that felt like she was listening more than like she was asking a checklist of questions, which in turn made the whole thing seem a bit less formal or confrontational, but not so much to the degree like the shitty mushy therapists out there that just listen while offering weakass common sense advice (the sort of which you could find in this thread for far cheaper than 80 beans or more an hour). It was definitely more comfortable butstill way on point. She also upped my previous doses.
I resemble that remark! (Can I get that tag? "weakass common sense advice".)
(Glad you found a good doc! I've had a range, too. My current guy is incredible. I have another two weeks until I see him again. Extraordinary healthcare in the world's richest nation!)
And mental health news is always welcome, jackbugs! There seems to be a fair mount of movement away from the new DSM, which sounds fine to me.
This episode of This American Life is a great listen:
Neo, you've put a huge smile on my face. You are inspiring the hell out of me man, keep it. I actually teared up a bit in a happy way reading your updates today. You are amazing.
I also want to add, it also inspires me to keep going and makes me feel I can also do this. I can also live and go on. You are an inspiration to us all.
I went to therapy for the first time today. I think I found it useful, I'm going to go again. I feel like I have a lot of trouble expressing how I feel to people, and I felt the same and had the same reactions while talking to the therapist, but I felt more comfortable admitting it and describing how it felt to just sort of fall apart mid sentence.
I've been smoking a lot more cigarettes this last week, which has given me something to focus my frustrations on while not being too self-destructive, at least in the short term.
I'm sick of being unsatisfied, but I can barely figure out what I want to eat for dinner let alone in my relationships and life. A lot of the time I don't even eat dinner.
Anyways, just venting a bit. I definitely don't have it bad, just want it to be better.
Figure out how to manage depression
Lose weight
Go to school
Start a career
Figure out how to talk to women
I'm pretty sure it's impossible for me to accomplish all of these things. It's overwhelming to even think about. I need to do the first four before I can even get started on the fifth, and by then I'll be like 40...
Hi. As I promised, I'm back. I'd like to apologize for my post from yesterday again - I shouldn't have followed up your (brave!) post with so much negativity, especially because I was talking about similar issues. Bad timing on my part.
Anyway, like I said, your description of how you're often scared of interacting and going outside is very familiar to me. You're definitely not alone in those feelings. I've been working on fixing my views for a long time now. You've already made a very important step: admitting that you have a problem. Writing a post like that, and realising that you need to change your lifestyle is very important. The bad news is: there's no quick fix. The good news is: you already have everything you need to get your life back on track. You need to build confidence, and that takes time. You mentioned that you used to be fairly social and outgoing. That means that you are capable of being the person you want to be.
What worked for me was setting up a strict schedule. I bought myself a nice-looking notebook and wrote a list of everything that was wrong in my life. I was practical about it, made several catagories (health/looks/education/work/social). I know it sounds like I'm asking you to treat yourself as a kid, but it really helps to get a clear perspective. Putting your problems in a list like that makes it seem a lot more manageable. Try to be matter-of-fact - don't start being to emotional in this list (although just pouring out your heart can be healthy as well, but try to do that in a seperate document). After making this list, try to think of ways in which to fix every single point. Be honest, be practical. Then start working on a schedule with the help of that list. For me, I get up every single morning at 7. I don't go on the internet, I don't watch a tv show. I just force myself to get up before I can start thinking about everything that's wrong with me. Just get up, shower, breakfast, check e-mail/news for 15 minutes (at most), and I leave to go to my university. I'm working on my thesis from 8 to 5 every day, and I go back home. It's a 30 minute walk to my university, so that means I'm outside and moving for at least an hour every day (although I really need to start working out more). The evenings are reserved for social activities/relaxing/managing other parts of my life. Allow yourself to unwind - relaxing is still a very important part of a healthy life. Try to keep at this schedule. After a while you don't even have to think about a lot of this basic stuff anymore, making your mind a lot clearer.
I know this all sounds very basic, and like I'm talking down to you. I certainly don't mean it like that. But I used to be just like you - just lie on my couch/in my bed all day, listening to music, sometimes not even really doing anything. It's a hard thing to get out of. You need to force yourself. It feels stupid and awkward at first, but I promise you it will get easier. As you can tell from my previous post, I'm certainly not there yet. But when you start being proactive about your own life and taking control of what's going on in your life, your peace of mind will return. Not immediately, and not all the time, but it will. Believe me, if I can do it, you can too. It's hard for me to describe the lows I reached a couple of years ago. I was basically nothing more than a junkie. At one point I (finally) realized that there was nothing to be gained from the path I was going. I thought every miserable thought I was ever going to think. Everything I was scared of about the future (ending up alone/without a job/as a failure) was actually going to happen if I didn't change my lifestyle. And who knows, maybe things will still turn out that way. I'm not going down without a fight though. You're young - you have most of your life still ahead of you. This is just a phase. You aren't the same person you were 10 years ago, and you won't be the same person 10 years from now. A lot can happen.
I'm sorry, maybe I'm just spouting nonsense or maybe I'm just stating the obvious. I'm not as good with words as Bagels or some other people in here (and English isn't my native language), and I'm certainly in no position to tell people how to live their life. The most important thing I can tell you is that you're not alone in your feelings, and there's always room for hope. You sound like a really nice person. It's time to realize your potential. Try to take it a day at a time. Forgive yourself for your past mistakes, accept them. Live in the present, be mindful of the future (but don't dwell on it too much). Try to do something productive every day, even if it's something small like cleaning your room or going for a walk. It will take some time, but you have it in you to get there some day. There will be days where you fall back into old habits where you'll end up doing nothing all day. That's okay. You're not lazy or a bad person for falling in that trap again - it's not an easy thing to come to terms with your shortcomings like that. Accept that you've wasted a day, and try to do better the next day. You'll get there.
I'm not sure if any of this is useful, but luckily there are other people in this thread who are far more capable of giving practical advice than me. If you ever want to know more (that goes for anyone who's reading this), don't be afraid of asking me.
Take care of yourself. Don't wait for tomorrow, today's your day.
Okay, there's too much going on in this thread to properly reply to, but I did spend a few hours cleaning this up instead~! Inspired by Bagel's drawings~~!
INCOMPETENCE (May 2010)
A collection of comics I made a couple of years ago while going through a really bad time in my life where my social anxiety and incompetence and depression and financial troubles and academic pressures all came together into one fantastic united front and kicked the crap out of me. <_<
Not that it wasn’t all undeserved. I kind of saw it coming and egged the universe on to do it anyway because I love self-sabotage or imposter syndrome or something. xD
I cleaned up the text because my writing is atrocious, so now you can kind of read it! But oops.. I have some typos in there. >___> IGNORE THEM! OH GOSH.. //incompetence!!
Heimdl, not everyone can be a genius like you
I learned my lesson so can I stop feeling this way now
It now all seems overly dramatic now, but at the time, I was having horrible times and had to run around talking to different academic counsellors and doctors and stuff and it was awful because I am not used to seeking help or talking to people about my deep-seeded issues in general. And every time they tried to be EXTRA NICE to me, I just felt even worse and less worthy and i just wanted to throw my hands up and run away and never return. lol
And so I made these. To vent. And to have my characters comfort me (like imaginary friends? lol). Because I was still not comfortable with the idea of turning to people in my life (mainly because they always saw me as some kind of pillar of strength or cheer and I couldn’t bear to disillusion them like that — or they would suggest that I have always been happy and able and it made me resentful because it suggested that I wasn’t “allowed” to ever feel unhappy and weak).
And I like Heimdl because I admire his resilience and spite of fate, but he’s still kind of a jerk and not that great at comforting me.. XD But I guess it was entertaining to talk to him anyway. At the time, I also created Asfir (the dude who's falling and realizing that maybe he needs help), the Shield Smith because I guess I just wanted to be protected from the world as a theme. And GLS is my inner guardian kind of character (that is supposed to be a part of me and it's complicated, but he's also the tiger guy and the bandana-wearing guy).
As embarrassingly personal as these comics kind of are, I am glad I made them because they are the only kind of personal documents I made of my experience at the time. I don’t write in diaries. I don’t have blogs or journals to vent. I don’t talk to people about my problems most of the time. So really, all I have is art. >_> And I don’t know where I would be without it. And maybe it helps fuel my escapism or is a crutch, but I think I have to not care about that.
And I guess I’m showing these because now there is enough distance between then and now that I feel like it’s not so embarrassing or cringe-inducing anymore. I think it’s cool and maybe it will help or inspire some people or maybe it’s just another way to document my life and journey. Either way: win-win~!
Also yeah, Heimdl was right. It got better. lol
I am decently happy right now. Not as terribly productive as I would like, but.. ehh.. one thing at a time.
Wow, I really wasn't expecting much in the way of responses, I'm completely floored that people even read my post, let alone extended their own related experiences. I already feel fairly comfortable talking about these things with people here, and that kind of comfort is a real rarity in my life. Thank you.
Not today though. Had a major, major anxiety attack while I was out there. Kept stammering like an idiot. Aware of everyone that looked at me. I'm in a very bad place right now, after doing pretty good for some time.
First of all Boem, thank you for both of your posts, I have read both of them - I will definitely put some thought into establishing a routine for myself and at least trying to do one or two productive things each day. I have extremely low self-satisfaction at the moment, and doing something like that could help a lot. I've talked about similar ideas with my therapist, but since I'm still at a fairly early stage with the CBT itself, we haven't gone into much practical action yet. I appreciate your words.
I can completely relate to the stammering a lot here, too. And it's not just stammering, either. Even when I'm talking to someone over the phone, I am always conscious of my voice, including my accent, my tone, and the speed at which I verbalize. It can kind of spoil a good conversation when you're spending too much time thinking about how you're talking than what you're saying.
Just try and remember that when you're with friends, the chances are they really want to hear what you have to say, no matter how you say it, and if you really trust them, that's even better! It's very easy to imagine they think badly of you - I know that, because I do it all the time - but I'm sure when you're thinking rationally, you realise the people that like you, like you for who you are and don't think ill of you. Does that make sense? I hope it does!
Reading your post here, Boem, it strikes me that you have an awful lot to fight your anxiety for. You're working on a degree, which is a massive achievement in itself, and it sounds like you're trying to mend and improve your relationships with people and friends, people who can and will support you if you let them. That's a huge step to feeling accepted in the world and feeling at ease with who you are. The scarring you received doesn't define you, and neither does the anxiety. It's easy for me to say this in my own crappy position, but those things shouldn't stop you from achieving what you want to in life, and by the sounds of it you're working towards making your life better and you're succeeding in that. Sure, you had a bad day, but there will be many more better days to come! Keep going!
The realisation just hit me that, no matter what I try to do to change myself, I'll never change. I'm finally ready to undertake action and be more pro-active, but I'll always look like this. Nothing can change that. And that means I'll always be alone. Always awkward, always scared. Sorry, no point going down that road now. But things aren't good now. Fuck.
It's great to hear you want to take control your life, and that you're not using drugs any more. That's a path I never want to go down.. I'm really happy that you took the time not only to vent about yourself but to extend your support to others. And Boem, you're not alone!
Also - your English is fantastic for a non-native speaker.
Anyway, so, yeah...welcome! And I know you have some stuff in the works for people in here which is exciting. It makes me think that you'll get a lot out of our (not so) little community.
Thank you, Bagels! Bringing together some information on UK services is going to be my "production" side these next couple of days. I'm not sure how best to do it, but I'll try and help out as much as I can. As you say, I think this is very much a push/pull thing, I can't expect to get anything out of this if I don't put anything in.
Again, I want to thank anyone and everyone who has said something positive in this thread, whoever it is to and for. You're amazing!
It's not as nice as Flo's, but I followed her lead and put a little reminder to myself inside the cover. If you get to know me, you'll soon realize that I am extremely hard on myself, like, okay, sometimes to a slightly ridiculous degree. I figure I can be open and honest with myself without beating myself up too much. (And thanks to Trin and co. for repeatedly pointing out that I am way too hard on myself!)
I can't tell you how glad I am that I have some record of my life over the past decade. It often feels like life isn't going anywhere, that every day is exactly the same. But when life really did not seem to be going anywhere, at least I could make a little record, some little monument to the fact that I was here and I survived another day. And looking back, holy crap has a lot happened! I have a record of all these events and what I thought at the time. That last part is key, because I did not think about things the same way in 2005 as I do in 2013 and that's so important to have that reminder of growth and change. It hasn't all been great, but it certainly hasn't all been awful. And whatever it is or was, I'm the product of all of it. I was there and now I'm here, and if I really look at it, I think maybe I'm actually an OK guy, and maybe things will be alright.
Aahw thank you bagels That image is awesome. Also the 'be nice', I put it in my book for exactly the same reason. I should be nicer to myself sometimes. It's good to read about your experience with keeping a journal. I think it will help me keep it up. And I'm sure yours will look just as good as mine! Those bagels are cheerful
I went to therapy again yesterday and while I was there it was all fine and relaxed. As soon as I left the building I started to get fuzzy and weird. Now I'm buzzing around in my head, feeling tired. I hope that goes away quickly.
Well this will probably be the last time I post here, GAF. Things went from bad to me deciding that it's done. Yesterday, me and two "friends" I guess, were studying for our calculus test. There were too many distractions at my place (internet, Xbox, PS3) so we decided it would be better to go study at McDonald's which is across the street. Told my mom and she was fine. Stayed there until about 12:30 am, then we went and got energy drinks, and came back to my place for a power nap before we'd go to one of the other guys' place since he couldn't spend the night. Stayed the night there, got home and my mom was pissed (guessed it would be because I stayed the night).
Then she just called me before she got home from work and said "Make sure none of those people are there. What you did last night was wrong and it won't be tolerated." Uh, okay? Guess I'm not allowed to spend the night out to study. Then she comes home and she starts going off, and I realize what she thought. She figured we all fucked around when we got back to my place for the power nap. I told her it's not true and she comes up with some fucked up stories in her head (which is why my sister left home). She brushed it off and said she spoke the truth and my sister left home "because she got a man, she wasn't looking for a woman". What the fuck? I'm not gay, there was never any hint of me being gay with me bringing girls over before. And so now I'm pretty much fed up.
Test got postponed to tomorrow, I have another test tomorrow, and I'm under a pile of other work, and now this? No. Fuck it. I'm done. This isn't worth it. This is likely goodbye, GAF. Thank you for everything.
Well this will probably be the last time I post here, GAF. Things went from bad to me deciding that it's done. Yesterday, me and two "friends" I guess, were studying for our calculus test. There were too many distractions at my place (internet, Xbox, PS3) so we decided it would be better to go study at McDonald's which is across the street. Told my mom and she was fine. Stayed there until about 12:30 am, then we went and got energy drinks, and came back to my place for a power nap before we'd go to one of the other guys' place since he couldn't spend the night. Stayed the night there, got home and my mom was pissed (guessed it would be because I stayed the night).
Then she just called me before she got home from work and said "Make sure none of those people are there. What you did last night was wrong and it won't be tolerated." Uh, okay? Guess I'm not allowed to spend the night out to study. Then she comes home and she starts going off, and I realize what she thought. She figured we all fucked around when we got back to my place for the power nap. I told her it's not true and she comes up with some fucked up stories in her head (which is why my sister left home). She brushed it off and said she spoke the truth and my sister left home "because she got a man, she wasn't looking for a woman". What the fuck? I'm not gay, there was never any hint of me being gay with me bringing girls over before. And so now I'm pretty much fed up.
Test got postponed to tomorrow, I have another test tomorrow, and I'm under a pile of other work, and now this? No. Fuck it. I'm done. This isn't worth it. This is likely goodbye, GAF. Thank you for everything.
Well this will probably be the last time I post here, GAF. Things went from bad to me deciding that it's done. Yesterday, me and two "friends" I guess, were studying for our calculus test. There were too many distractions at my place (internet, Xbox, PS3) so we decided it would be better to go study at McDonald's which is across the street. Told my mom and she was fine. Stayed there until about 12:30 am, then we went and got energy drinks, and came back to my place for a power nap before we'd go to one of the other guys' place since he couldn't spend the night. Stayed the night there, got home and my mom was pissed (guessed it would be because I stayed the night).
Then she just called me before she got home from work and said "Make sure none of those people are there. What you did last night was wrong and it won't be tolerated." Uh, okay? Guess I'm not allowed to spend the night out to study. Then she comes home and she starts going off, and I realize what she thought. She figured we all fucked around when we got back to my place for the power nap. I told her it's not true and she comes up with some fucked up stories in her head (which is why my sister left home). She brushed it off and said she spoke the truth and my sister left home "because she got a man, she wasn't looking for a woman". What the fuck? I'm not gay, there was never any hint of me being gay with me bringing girls over before. And so now I'm pretty much fed up.
Test got postponed to tomorrow, I have another test tomorrow, and I'm under a pile of other work, and now this? No. Fuck it. I'm done. This isn't worth it. This is likely goodbye, GAF. Thank you for everything.
Thats a fucked up story. Where would your mom get those idea from ?
Im terrible at giving advice, but you got to make your mom realize the truth somehow and get her to apologize. You need to find out where this misunderstanding comes from.
Dont do it. This problem is solvable. The pain is temporary.
Test got postponed to tomorrow, I have another test tomorrow, and I'm under a pile of other work, and now this? No. Fuck it. I'm done. This isn't worth it. This is likely goodbye, GAF. Thank you for everything.
Don't do it, man. I know it's hard but... just don't do it.
I dont really get what any of this has to do with quitting GAF either. I think its situations like these where its good to have a place to get an outside perspective.
Hi. It's taken a little while longer than it could've to finally do this, but with some encouraging words from a couple of people here - including Bagels, thanks, I will try to gather that info soon - I've finally decided to come out with my problems. Up until this point, there have only been two people in the entire world that I've really opened up to about it, one of whom is my therapist, so it's kind of a big deal to me. I didn't know where else I felt capable of saying this, so..
I've been suffering from agoraphobia for a large part of my life now (I'm 22) which manifests itself in a fear of leaving the house and simply being outside with or around other people. It's difficult for most people I ever meet to realise I am chronically anxious about leaving the house, or travelling, because when I am in a certain environment or having a particularly good day at handling my anxiety, they don't seem able to see the problem. For example, I once had a meeting with a woman to discuss my disability benefit. Her first instinct was that I was there looking for a job because I seemed so normal. I can't say I'm completely housebound, but most days I don't go out and have been in different types of treatment for it during that time, including group therapy, counselling over the phone, and currently, cognitive behavioral therapy. Most journeys I make are to see family members or to meet different appointments. For the past year or so the anxiety has progressively worsened with no signs of an upturn.
Earlier this year, my mum told me she was suffering with depression, on the same day we thought my granddad was seriously ill (he's okay now). It was the trigger for her to admit it and since then she's been in her own treatment for it. I can't say too much about how it seems to be going for her since every time I've seen her since, I've received mixed messages from her. Basically over the past month or so I've realised that I am in a depression, too, and it's unlike anything I've ever experienced with the anxiety. I've probably been like this longer than I cared to realise, and it's taken some effort to even acknowledge the fact that I'm in this state. I hate my life as it is. I have no job, no life, literally no friends that I can meet up with and talk to. No goals. No aims. The passion I had for things like games or writing has reduced dramatically. I can't sleep properly, and if I do get off to sleep, I have some of the ugliest dreams, and I wake up and just lie in bed doing nothing. I almost never want to get up and do things, no matter how trivial, mundane or even enjoyable they should be. Reading this, you probably just think I'm lazy or something, but I'm really not. My family is small and the important people in it spend almost all of their time abroad, and when they are here, I'm constantly under pressure to be helping my mum, and nobody sees or wants to know about me or my problems. I feel continually rejected by people, even my therapist who I told I felt I was depressed says he can't do much but recommend that I see someone else for it. I'm not even sure whether the system in the UK allows for me to be seen by two different people for my problems, but if I was to see someone else about it, I would be forced back onto a waiting list for possibly more than 3 months.
I feel like a total shadow of my former self, someone who was reasonably comfortable in their own skin, who was pretty outgoing and able to socialise, like I'm a shell or something. I spend most of my days now just feeling aimless and resenting my own situation and those better off than me. Even posting on some parts of GAF have become a hardship in their own right, and even though I'm trying to be forthcoming and casual about things, I feel like almost no-one wants to know me or like me in the slightest, or if they do, that they're pretending or mocking me. I guess my thoughts bleed into whatever I do or say. Now I just spend most of my day lying around listening to podcasts or music, or just refreshing websites and wishing I was someone else. I've never known myself to be like this and it scares me. I'm not suicidal, I've never thought of hurting myself, I just.. I just want this to be rid of.
I'm not even sure if writing this accomplishes anything, since I never feel I do a good enough job explaining things no matter what they are. I guess it's maybe a step to fully accepting what I'm going through right now. I just needed to get something out to people since my shoulders are heavy with this stuff, and maybe it lightens that a bit.
Agoraphobia is terrible. I've had it in varying degrees of crippling intensity for most of my life, and I can attest to how destructive it is and how the amplifying effect that it has on other mental illnesses just completely ruins quality of life. I've thought long and hard over the years about the nature of the illness and what triggers it, and I'd just like to briefly describe it. Not, of course, to make my response to your post about me, but in case you can identify with any of this.
I frequently experience "depersonalization" when I'm by myself in a place that I don't deem to be "safe". Now, for me, that's typically anywhere out of doors, but the definition of "safe place" differs for every agoraphobia sufferer. Now what happens is that I'll typically have some of the symptoms of a panic attack--rapid pulse, dizziness, the urge to flee--but on top of that, I experience the particularly nasty sensation that I'm outside of my own body. I'll suddenly have strange thoughts questioning my own reality, and then the world around me begins to feel illusory, and then everything simply collapses into extreme panic.
Now, for me, I think that this happens for a mess of reasons. First, I had overprotective parents who never allowed me to be by myself in any situation, and as much as it bothered me, I think I still developed a phobia of being alone due to it. When I'm in public, I often feel the need to "reaffirm" my reality by interacting with others, and when I'm in a car by myself or taking a walk down a quiet street, there are no distractions and I become hyper-aware of my own consciousness. It's also become more severe for me over the past three years as I'd stayed indoors almost constantly due to joblessness and taking care of ill family, and in that time my eyes became very accustomed to dim light and small spaces. Being in a bright, open space overloads my weakened senses and makes me feel ill.
I often see someone walking down the street and ask myself "how the hell can they do that without feeling like their brain is on fire?". I eventually realized that "normal" people have never been poisoned by their own thoughts--thoughts about reality, thoughts about their proximity to safety. It's never occurred to them, but to the agoraphobic, once the notion is thought, it stays in the mind forever.
I should note that for me, at least, part of my problem is also hereditary--mental illness and especially anxiety run in my father's family, and agoraphobia is essentially an extension of panic disorder. It's simply the stage at which the mind has become conditioned to fear the conditions in which anxiety attacks occur, and so you become trapped in a self-fulfilling prophecy of panicking because you're afraid of panicking when you're in an uncomfortable situation.
Now here is where you'll probably be disappointed by my long post, because I don't have much in the way of good advice other than self-reflection on the personal root causes of the illness. I've never seen a mental health professional, was only briefly on medication to control it, and so all of the progress I've made has simply been through enduring the agony of fear. I suppose that's just self-imposed exposure therapy, but through putting myself in situations (often inadvertently) where there's no easy escape, I've been forced to work through my worst moments.
I'm sorry that you feel like things are getting worse, but if it gives you even a little hope, about a year and a half ago I was at the point where I couldn't even leave my own room some days and my family was threatening to have me committed. Now I can drive by myself, go on short walks, and generally don't feel awful unless I was already working up to a panic attack before I decide to go somewhere. Because of the relationship between anxiety and agoraphobia, you may simply want to pursue medication if therapy isn't achieving anything for you. I was pulled out of the worst agoraphobia episode of my life by clonazepam, for instance, but because it's highly addictive my physician wouldn't allow me to remain on it. There are other pharmaceutical options that are sustainable in the long-term, of course, but I haven't gone that route myself yet and, from what I gather, it requires a lot of experimentation.
We actually sound extremely similar in our current circumstances and attitudes toward life. I'm depressed and totally apathetic due to my inability to find work and the isolated environment in which I live, and so I'm frittering away my life on internet distractions, gaming, television, and so on. I used to be optimistic, ambitious, and loved academic pursuits, but that was all crushed underfoot in the past several years. Now I'm simply staring at a screen trying to kill the pain of my own extreme dissatisfaction and abject loneliness in between resumes. I'm disgusted by my own jealousy toward other people, and it's making me even more antisocial than I already was. Of course, having days where I feel ill just stepping outside of the house doesn't help things, either. I believe that there's the potential to be of mutual benefit to each other, so if you ever want to PM me or contact me through other means to open up in more detail about your struggles, by all means do so. We could challenge each other to push ourselves beyond our agoraphobic comfort zones or whatever you wish.
I have been working hard this past few months, harder than I ever had before, from sunrise to sunset and longer, with GAF and the odd handheld game being my only distraction while I wait for numeric computations. I haven't feel so good in a long time... Until today...
In a few hours I have to submit an abstract describing my work and partial results so it can be accepted for an international conference, but I can't gather the strength to do it. Just one page, but my body aches while I'm staring at the empty LaTex editor. My mind is empty and I'm feeling a mild chest pain. I'm feeling sleepy.
Has all my hard work being in vain? I want to cry. I would really appreciate some encouraging words right now. I made this post to clear my mind, now lets see if it works.
I had an article bookmarked that had an explanation for a link between depression and the sleep cycle. I'm not sure of the veracity of it, but it's interesting.
Well this will probably be the last time I post here, GAF. Things went from bad to me deciding that it's done. Yesterday, me and two "friends" I guess, were studying for our calculus test. There were too many distractions at my place (internet, Xbox, PS3) so we decided it would be better to go study at McDonald's which is across the street. Told my mom and she was fine. Stayed there until about 12:30 am, then we went and got energy drinks, and came back to my place for a power nap before we'd go to one of the other guys' place since he couldn't spend the night. Stayed the night there, got home and my mom was pissed (guessed it would be because I stayed the night).
Then she just called me before she got home from work and said "Make sure none of those people are there. What you did last night was wrong and it won't be tolerated." Uh, okay? Guess I'm not allowed to spend the night out to study. Then she comes home and she starts going off, and I realize what she thought. She figured we all fucked around when we got back to my place for the power nap. I told her it's not true and she comes up with some fucked up stories in her head (which is why my sister left home). She brushed it off and said she spoke the truth and my sister left home "because she got a man, she wasn't looking for a woman". What the fuck? I'm not gay, there was never any hint of me being gay with me bringing girls over before. And so now I'm pretty much fed up.
Test got postponed to tomorrow, I have another test tomorrow, and I'm under a pile of other work, and now this? No. Fuck it. I'm done. This isn't worth it. This is likely goodbye, GAF. Thank you for everything.
Windam, please try to relax and lay down and have a good cry or scream or crunch blank paper balls together and throw them at the wall to release all that pent up frustration.
Your mom is just jumping to weird conclusions and is probably in some kind of irrational funk herself. Ignore her and close and door and be bewildered and try not to take it personally. Parents are really weird sometimes about sleepovers and stuff, and that is their own personal mental issue to deal with. You have other things to do and focus on for yourself. You're allowed to relax and take a break for a while without having to hurt yourself.
I have been working hard this past few months, harder than I ever had before, from sunrise to sunset and longer, with GAF and the odd handheld game being my only distraction while I wait for numeric computations. I haven't feel so good in a long time... Until today...
In a few hours I have to submit an abstract describing my work and partial results so it can be accepted for an international conference, but I can't gather the strength to do it. Just one page, but my body aches while I'm staring at the empty LaTex editor. My mind is empty and I'm feeling a mild chest pain.
Has all my hard work being in vain? I would really appreciate some encouraging words right now. I made this post to clear my mind, now lets see if it works.
You can do it Lonely! Just start typing up whatever! To me it sounds like some kind of commitment/fulfilling expectations anxiety. That usually blocks me from getting things done. Relax and tell yourself that no matter what garbage you type out, it's okay. You did a lot of hard work already. You're 90% done. You just give some crap effort now and they'll take it without question and like who cares anyway. 1 hour of effort and you can look away and worry about better and funner things and it will feel like it was easier than you thought.
I think the easiest way to power though is to just start and feel like you have something down or half-done. Maybe you can copy-paste an abstract from somewhere else and start rewording it to fill in with information you have. That way it feels like you already have something there and a structure to follow while your mind is still scrambling. Then you can refine it in the final half hour and send it away.
And I say this knowing that while you think you are BSing, you're probably actually going to be a perfectionist and scrutinize your abstract anyway. So it's going to be fine. You made it this far with your research already and you have all the quality control you need even if you gibberish with your keyboard for a while.
Best of luck and hope you can relax after the pressure is off.
Can't help but feel I wasted my life. Trying to get into computer programming is going be tough especially at my age. Why did I read that relationships thread. I feel so useless
I hate my anxiety and stress. I think it's really doing something to my short term memory. 2 or 3 times today I walked into rooms forgetting why I even had to go to the rooms. I stayed in the room for about a minute until it clicked and I remembered why I had to go there. i'm only 30, but I feel kinda scared of losing my memory so early. I'm going to try to find some brain supplement on amazon and read up on memory tips.
I feel like the older I get the more effort I have to put into remembering. I need to relax. I need to socialize. I need to get out of this funk.
I hate my anxiety and stress. I think it's really doing something to my short term memory. 2 or 3 times today I walked into rooms forgetting why I even had to go to the rooms. I stayed in the room for about a minute until it clicked and I remembered why I had to go there. i'm only 30, but I feel kinda scared of losing my memory so early. I'm going to try to find some brain supplement on amazon and read up on memory tips.
I feel like the older I get the more effort I have to put into remembering. I need to relax. I need to socialize. I need to get out of this funk.
Not sure which one is worse, short term memory problems, or long term memory problems. Based on what you say, it sounds frustrating and kinda scary. But...
As i've noted before, my memory is foggy. I don't remember details, i don't remember emotions, i don't remember places well...
Used to have good memory.
Lacking memory doesn't help that i don't care about things. Why care, when you don't remember?
Add to that i rememeber inconsequtial things (pre-depression) very well. Things that are just annoying, or things that i regret, or things that are unpleasant.
And these things just flash to my mind without any obvious trigger. Very frustrating, very annoying.
It is like remembering the worst bits.
Regret is especially annoying.
Can't help but feel I wasted my life. Trying to get into computer programming is going be tough especially at my age. Why did I read that relationships thread. I feel so useless
You seem drawn to that topic like a moth to a flame. >_> It would probably do good to not think about it for a while and focus on other things, right?
And it's never too late to learn, Plenty of people go back to further their education. In fact, I think in a few years, I will go back to school and get into health admin. Or maybe web design/coding. If you like math and logic problems, you will probably do well regardless?
I hate my anxiety and stress. I think it's really doing something to my short term memory. 2 or 3 times today I walked into rooms forgetting why I even had to go to the rooms. I stayed in the room for about a minute until it clicked and I remembered why I had to go there. i'm only 30, but I feel kinda scared of losing my memory so early. I'm going to try to find some brain supplement on amazon and read up on memory tips.
I feel like the older I get the more effort I have to put into remembering. I need to relax. I need to socialize. I need to get out of this funk.
That happens to a lot of people, and it could just be that you are easily distracted or get lost in thought. I know it happens to me too! And it could be caused more by your anxiety and stress (and depression?) than actual cognitive/memory issues. When you get those treated, your memory and focus may improve.
You ever try out the Brain Training games? Those are pretty fun and encourages concentration and focus. Also thinking about something and imagining doing it might help reinforce it in your brain. So that when you get to the intended spot, that image pops back in your head and you are reminded of what to do.
Can we do a week of cartoons/comics? I think we're off to a strong start! I have a nice collection built up from our IRC channel. Let me show you them!
Not all of my self portraits deal with lighter themes:
People have asked about my GLORIOUS new avatar. It was drawn by MSPaint master, Trin.
She also made this amazing Pau fanart:
Prax posted a deeply personal collection of comics, so my first thought, being the incredible friend that I am, was, "I should make a parody!" It's not done yet, but here's my first panel:
Here is portrait with my bff, Agent Cooper, shown here as Noah/Moses. There are layers. This piece comes from my blue period (age 5 to present) and makes subtle reference to my dissatisfaction with the art world, particularly "drawring," as I call it.
If you'll post your own cartoon work - because being creative ("creative") is a great way to feel a little better - I'll make an incredible cartoon just for you, in return! I'm actually trying to do a more serious comic about my own depression, but I need to be more inspired.
You have a thing for halos.
Wonder if you're a Halo player?
EDIT you keep forgetting your bus ticket? Don't think i could live with such a daily annoyance. Very careful about my stuff.
EDIT actually, that's kinda... I don't know. Pics that give you feels, you know?
Do you remember?
...
Trying to think how whether that works as a joke.
...
I really should start getting sleep earlier, i start making stupid comments and bad attempts at jokes when tired.
Wonder if i'll wake up if i set alarm two hours earlier than normal...
EDIT i'm not thinking my jokes as funny. Need to improve that skill. Unfortunately i think i'm a lost cause here.
Well. Whatever. People probably think i'm boring already, doubt i can change their views (not that i care to, you have problem with me being boring, i'm not sure i really want to even talk to you; that's my attitude, not a comment to anyone here)
Thought i claimed it a bad joke.
EGO OF POWER sounds like an album name by the way.
EDIT i have a feeling i can't keep my mouth shut. Figuratively that is. I'm very quiet person, don't think i said a thousand words today. EDIT that said, i didn't have anything to say today. Nor didn't meet anyone really. Wasted day really.
Was meaning "can't avoid writing".
Everything is so gray. I guess the best way to deal with another depressive episode is to just suck it up and realize its gonna suck hard for a few weeks.
Gray. The only way I can describe it. Its like the only thing I desire to do is sleep and I'm too uncomfortable with myself to even do that. My life's always been shitty and there isn't much room for change.
Anyone here have any weight loss success? I've been exercising more but I look like shit...or at least I believe I do.
Everything is so gray. I guess the best way to deal with another depressive episode is to just suck it up and realize its gonna suck hard for a few weeks.
Gray. The only way I can describe it. Its like the only thing I desire to do is sleep and I'm too uncomfortable with myself to even do that. My life's always been shitty and there isn't much room for change.
Anyone here have any weight loss success? I've been exercising more but I look like shit...or at least I believe I do.
Funnily enough, I just came from a 3-hour-long session of Metal Gear Solid 2. What a great game, and despite what's going on with the story right now (which I won't spoil, and since this is my first time playing it, I hope no one does it either!), it has managed to put me in a good mood. Which I didn't think it could, as I was feeling down before launching it tonight. I want to punch myself for having dropped it twice in the past before reaching the 20 minute mark. This game is fan-fucking-tastic.
I'm loving all these drawings so far, keep 'em coming please!
Can't help but feel I wasted my life. Trying to get into computer programming is going be tough especially at my age. Why did I read that relationships thread. I feel so useless
Stay out of the relationship threads, just ignore them entirely. All they will do is make you feel bad, so avoid the hell out of them.
And I understand how you feel. I am thinking of starting a career soon. I am 31, and would be going to school for the first time. I haven't set foot in any sort of class room since high school. It's incredibly intimidating. To top it off, I haven't even had a job since I was 18. I've been incredibly sheltered and held back. It's terrifying. We can do this though (I just have to raise the funds to actually be able to pay for school; I want to be a nurse. Helping people yay!)
I hate my anxiety and stress. I think it's really doing something to my short term memory. 2 or 3 times today I walked into rooms forgetting why I even had to go to the rooms. I stayed in the room for about a minute until it clicked and I remembered why I had to go there. i'm only 30, but I feel kinda scared of losing my memory so early. I'm going to try to find some brain supplement on amazon and read up on memory tips.
I feel like the older I get the more effort I have to put into remembering. I need to relax. I need to socialize. I need to get out of this funk.
I struggle with anxiety as well and I have memory problems too. There is plenty of times where I just forget what I'm supposed to be doing because I'm to caught up with the bullshit in my head.
Can't help but feel I wasted my life. Trying to get into computer programming is going be tough especially at my age. Why did I read that relationships thread. I feel so useless
I'd say look on the upside: computer programming doesn't have a huge backlog like physics, mathematics, or literature. In the grand scheme of things you can learn a shitton of fundamentals in a year or two if you have a computer at home, just need to dive into some starter projects and learn a language from the ground up. Classes can help too, but they're not your only option available.
I like to help if I can, be it listening to what others have to say, or posting random songs to try and make people enjoy the day a little bit. So I may actually ask for some help if I ever get to a new low, though I hope it doesn't come to that point!
