Kind of boring in here...
NINTENDO E3 DIRECT TIME!!!
*Iwata appears onscreen*
"We gonna need two hours fo dis shit, cancel yo plans."
"Price drop to TWO HUNDRED AND FIDDY DOLLA, MUDDA FUKKAAAAAAAAASSS."
"Here some new games, buy this bitch"
*booming wub-wub plays as camera zooms in and out on Reggie's crouch, various game logos spinning out of his unzipped fly*
- Budget HD remakes like KID ICARUS UPRISING and THE XENOBLADE CHRONICLES & BATEN KAITOS COLLECTION HD
- BAYONETTA: CLIMAX EDITION, $29.99 on eShop, RIGHT NOW. Locked 60fps 720p, Off-TV Play, Miiverse integration, touch Bayo on the touchscreen to make SEXY SOUNDS.
- VANQUISH 2, WiiU exclusive, Nintendo-funded cuz Sega love dat free money. Sam is accompanied by a ROBOTIC ATTACK BADGER.
- Speaking of Sega loving free money: SHENMUE III :O
- Speaking of cherished game series: MOTHER 4/EARTHBOUND 3, Monolith Soft's 3DS title! And new MOTHER/EARTHBOUND ANTHOLOGY, available in eShop on WiiU and 3DS -- all three games, in seven languages!
- SUPER MARIO SONIC, because one cash cow franchise AIN'T ENOUGH. Trade off seamlessly between the two former rivals. No sports competition. Just saving the world!
- Not same game as new 3D Mario, though; new 3D Mario is SUPER MARIO UTOPIA, a spiritual successor to Sunshine, with a whole archipelago, including a snowy ski resort isle and a glitzy desert casino. Mixes different perspectives on the same platforming between TV and GamePad. Out this holiday. HOLLA.
- MARIO KART U-TURN has amazing ModNation-style track editor, brings back the two-person karts from Double Dash, trade off with another player or AI being the "gunner" in the back seat using the GamePad to target other players, AW YISS.
- MARIO STRIKERS: THIRD STRIKE -- Shamelessly steals Street Fighter subtitle! Uses the GamePad in shield position to block incoming shots! AND LOOK AT DAISY'S HI-DEF ASS.
*Reggie pauses, resting his hand on the wall, catching his breath... Phew...*
*And then... MORE LOGOS, SPINNING OUT OF HIS FLY*
- BATTALION WARS for WiiU, RTS elements on the GamePad, seamless combat on the TV. Launches alongside ADVANCE WARS for 3DS, a sort of Prime/Fusion deal.
- WAVE RACE EXCITE, Monster's secret WiiU project, with high-powered Kawasaki Jet Skis AND all-new Innespace Seabreachers, hitting trigger points to transform the waterways with massive waves, whirlpools, waterfalls and more.
- PILOTWINGS WORLD, hell if I know who's making it, but it has Little States, AMERICA FUCK YEAH!
- F-ZERO UX and F-ZERO 3X, for WiiU and 3DS, respectively, in a same-day Fusion/Prime deal, with new tracks, random track generator, TRACK EDITOR, return of dedicated Death Race, online for 30 players (technical mahvel!), and the return of X's glorious butt-rock nu-metal soundtrack, all at 60 fps, 720p or in 3D, FALCON PAWWWNCH!
-STAR FOX ARMADA, for WiiU, 50 spectacular levels of on-rails and free-range vehicle-based goodness, supplemented by a Warhawk/Starhawk-style multiplayer mode, with on-foot and vehicle combat, hopping in and out of vehicles, taking the fight from terra firma to the stratosphere and into space like the canceled Battlefront III, OUT THIS HOLIDAY.
- METROID DREAD, for WiiU, takes place inside a living FLESH PLANET full of Giger-esque phallic shit, and features a bajillion interconnected passageways filled with monstrous motherfuckers including Kraid, finally in 3D (after being scrapped for Prime 1).
- STAR TROPICS REVIVAL, for WiiU, takes a long-forgotten NA-only franchise and brings it to the WORLD, all blissful '90-era Americana and maritime exploration and Uncharted-escape ruins exploration with aliens and shit, HEY-O.
- FATAL FRAME V, use the GamePad as your spirit camera, surveying your surroundings Panorama View-style, SPOOKY!
- SUPER SMASH BROS. BLITZ for WiiU and 3DS, features a highly stylized look, introduces five newcomers, PALUTENA, TAKAMARU, LITTLE MAC, RIDLEY, and BAYONETTA.
- ONE MORE THING: SHEIK: SHADOW SAVIOR, Retro's epic Zelda spin-off: Play as Zelda, play as Sheik! Stylish character action, with spell-casting and ninja shenanigans! Puzzle-solving, parkour, SOCIAL SIM (mingling with Hylian royalty), RTS elements (simple, end-of-act army skirmishes), sexy slow-motion cutscenes where Zelda stares at the screen and silently mouths "NOOOOOOOOO!" Prequel to the WiiU Zelda. HEY-O!
I'M HYPED.