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[Darkmakaimura]

Comparing with the amount of first world problems posts here, I think I'm doing fine imho.

Yes, I have "first world problems" but I also have a number of anxiety issues that have become worse over time so little shit gets to me and sometimes a lot of little shit can amount into a mountain of shit.

I also have other problems that are more serious and this is just 'at the moment' crap that has put me on edge.

I'm long overdo for a large nervous breakdown - as in years overdo. Where I'm at, I cannot scream or let shit out.

 

[Hermii]

Comparing with the amount of first world problems posts here, I think I'm doing fine imho.

What, Do you have third world problems?

 

[ClassyPenguin]

I hate that term.
It belittles mental illness and problems.
It assumes that developing people countries don't have those problems and that the developed countries like the US don't have poverty, abuse, hunger, malnutrition issues.
And it's just bad psychology, as long as you suffer "first world" problems it makes it alright not to seek help or to continue that train of thought and rumination.

 

[Smiley90]

Comparing with the amount of first world problems posts here, I think I'm doing fine imho.

Comparing with the amount of insensitivity and ignorance in your post, I think I'm doing fine imho.

 

[Bagels]

Maybe not the nicest thing you've said SpartanForce. I know you're struggling, and I feel for you. I don't think we need to dogpile you, but that was pretty rude. Shoot me a PM - let's talk!

 

[Collete]

I have nothing of value to offer for the world. I'm nothing but a burden to anyone that comes into my path in one form or another. Sometimes I wonder why I'm even here at all.

Neither do I. Nothing to offer, just a mooch off my parents. Even when I play Trine 2 with a friend, I'm just a weight because I can't solve puzzles as fast as my friend. But we gotta make something from that nothingness. So all I can do is draw shitty art hoping for someone to relate, recognize, acknowledge or give me a chance at something...at a life. You have to make something from it. I don't know what but something....

Speaking of art:

Gates.
It isn't an escape to free yourself from the pain. Only disappointment.

 

[ClassyPenguin]

I like that one. Very geometric.

 

[RionaaM]

Comparing with the amount of first world problems posts here, I think I'm doing fine imho.

Yeah, why don't they just snap out of it?

Maybe because they can't? Maybe because mental illness is a bitch?

Neither do I. Nothing to offer, just a mooch off my parents. Even when I play Trine 2 with a friend, I'm just a weight because I can't solve puzzles as fast as my friend. But we gotta make something from that nothingness. So all I can do is draw shitty art hoping for someone to relate, recognize, acknowledge or give me a chance at something...at a life. You have to make something from it. I don't know what but something....

Speaking of art:


Gates.
It isn't an escape to free yourself from the pain. Only disappointment.

Wow, that's awesome. I'd totally use that as an album cover. I have no idea what it could mean, but it's really nice. Perhaps it's a glass wall, and you gotta smash it if you want to be free from your mental prison (no, I totally didn't steal that from The Who's Tommy!)

Oh, and let me know if you want to play some Trine 2 one of these days.

 

[scar tissue]

Comparing with the amount of first world problems posts here, I think I'm doing fine imho.

Judging by your need to be a judgmental dick, you're probably not doing fine. Just sayin'.

 

[Colin.]

Neither do I. Nothing to offer, just a mooch off my parents. Even when I play Trine 2 with a friend, I'm just a weight because I can't solve puzzles as fast as my friend. But we gotta make something from that nothingness. So all I can do is draw shitty art hoping for someone to relate, recognize, acknowledge or give me a chance at something...at a life. You have to make something from it. I don't know what but something....

That's the way I feel currently too. I feel like I'm just a drain on resources, with nothing of real subsistence to offer back to the world. I wish I could just go out and do what feels right at the time. But with the mental health issues I have, I just can't do that. If I'm doing something that doesn't sit right with me, it will just crumble apart, and will result in me just scraping by and my morale going way down. I have no obvious skill I would want to use for any kind of work either. All I can do for now is keep trying different things until something sticks I guess.

And I like what you made, it made me think of those metal puzzles were you have to try and solve it to break all the parts free. Kind of relates to how I feel at the moment, trying to find different solutions to my current problems in order to try and live the life I really want.

 

[Darkmakaimura]

I hate that term.
It belittles mental illness and problems.
It assumes that developing people countries don't have those problems and that the developed countries like the US don't have poverty, abuse, hunger, malnutrition issues.
And it's just bad psychology, as long as you suffer "first world" problems it makes it alright not to seek help or to continue that train of thought and rumination.

My problems last night were small but yes, I too don't like it when people start making comparisons to other people or countries. I had enough of that in my life. I've been told about "the starving kids in Africa". It's a guilt trip to make you feel bad you're feeling bad and it's a shitty thing to say to someone.

Last night I just left off some steam here and while it may or may not have been petty, stuff is starting to build it up in me again. I actually downed a lot of NyQuil and took a melatonin. I slept the best I have in maybe a week or two. Not feeling as refreshed as I thought I would, although. Getting bummed out my buddy hasn't contacted me as he usually does around this time. I even sent him a link to a YouTube video the other day and no response from him.

 

[Collete]

I like that one. Very geometric.

Thanks Classy!

Wow, that's awesome. I'd totally use that as an album cover. I have no idea what it could mean, but it's really nice. Perhaps it's a glass wall, and you gotta smash it if you want to be free from your mental prison (no, I totally didn't steal that from The Who's Tommy!)

Oh, and let me know if you want to play some Trine 2 one of these days.

Really? Damn that's an awesome compliment lol
Well, it's a kind of a call back on this piece:

The Other Side which was in sense after suicide, the victim was walking towards towards salvation or whatever it may be.
Once the person has actually "reached" to salvation, they see this gate barring them any further. I'm not going to argue religion, but I don't believe suicide will give you a one way ticket to whatever salvation you seek. There's always a cost. This gate bars you from entering and for you to continue a different route and will continue to suffer.
It's pretty dark I guess but that's how I interpret my own piece, everyone else has their own interpretation which are all correct in their own way.

Sure! Hit me up whenever you want to play!

That's the way I feel currently too. I feel like I'm just a drain on resources, with nothing of real subsistence to offer back to the world. I wish I could just go out and do what feels right at the time. But with the mental health issues I have, I just can't do that. If I'm doing something that doesn't sit right with me, it will just crumble apart, and will result in me just scraping by and my morale going way down. I have no obvious skill I would want to use for any kind of work either. All I can do for now is keep trying different things until something sticks I guess.

And I like what you made, it made me think of those metal puzzles were you have to try and solve it to break all the parts free. Kind of relates to how I feel at the moment, trying to find different solutions to my current problems in order to try and live the life I really want.

Good, keep doing different things till something click. Art kind of clicked with me because it made sense when I was in deep despair. I suck at drawing might as well make abstract art based on the illness. You'll find something though, art, writing, whatever it may be. Everyone will find something. Just whatever you do, don't let go of that opportunity even if you think remotely it might be it...Keep hanging on to it.

I'm glad you like what I made! You will find something that will click eventually. I know you will.

 

[Sini]

Speaking of art:
Gates.
It isn't an escape to free yourself from the pain. Only disappointment.

I like it a lot! It reminds me a horror movie called Cube for some reason.
How did you make it?

 

[Collete]

I like it a lot! It reminds me a horror movie called Cube for some reason.
How did you make it?

Cube...is that the movie where a bunch of people are endlessly locked in a maze of cubes?

Spoiler

The ending was dumb...

I watched someone on Youtube use tape on a canvas and painted over it on a few sides to make it look like glass or a prism. But I couldn't get that effect with normal paint or with "tape" on Artrage 4. So I took a ruler instead and use air brushes to do it and I got the same effect I saw on the Youtube video. It's a bit tricky to have a steady hand to make a steady line. Thank heavens I'm not using a real canvas to do it, I messed up too many times on this piece lol.

 

[Curtisaur]

There is absolutely no way I can keep up with bills and that's not even counting medical bills.

I want to kill myself but I made a promise 9 hours ago to my therapist that I would go another week without killing myself.

 

[Bagels]

This trip is getting oddly emotional.

I'm so sleep-deprived I keep nodding off for tiny microsleep. The dreams bleed over into reality, or at least I keep talking about the dreams. It was driving my wife nuts while we were driving - I'd just come to and say, "I'm not sure about eating all of these ribs..." Note that we were in a car, there were no ribs anywhere to be seen, and no one had been talking about anything remotely ribbular. This keeps happening! I need espresso or. People are going to think I'm crazy (-er). :/

 

[User 100115]

I'm glad you like what I made! You will find something that will click eventually. I know you will.

That one I think is my favorite, the one you quoted in this post. It seems to move, and it's fucking amazing.

This trip is getting oddly emotional.

I'm so sleep-deprived I keep nodding off for tiny microsleep. The dreams bleed over into reality, or at least I keep talking about the dreams. It was driving my wife nuts while we were driving - I'd just come to and say, "I'm not sure about eating all of these ribs..." Note that we were in a car, there were no ribs anywhere to be seen, and no one had been talking about anything remotely ribbular. This keeps happening! I need espresso or. People are going to think I'm crazy (-er). :/

I've had days like that. Get some caffeine in you, should help.

There is absolutely no way I can keep up with bills and that's not even counting medical bills.

I want to kill myself but I made a promise 9 hours ago to my therapist that I would go another week without killing myself.

Forget about the medical bills for now. I am so far in debt with medical bills it's hilarious, I pay them when I can, and say fuck you to the rest and don't answer the phone. Just ignore them until you can. I understand completely how you feel, though.

 

[Woorloog]

Damn it!
Should be going to sleep, hell, should have gone to sleep hours ago.
But i saw so fucking horrible dream last night i really don't want to sleep again, i never ever want to see such a dream again.
I don't think anyone studying dreams would classify it as a nightmare but to me, it was worse than any nightmare.

Someone please invent something that gives me dreamless sleep.

 

[Darkmakaimura]

Done. I realize my own friends don't care about me. Fuck it.

 

[Daingurse]

I hope everyone is doing okay tonight. I was getting ready to smoke a bowl and play some Last of Us.

Been an irritating day, can't get through to my case manager, she pretty much took off till next Tuesday. I need a letter drafted up for Section 8, so I can get my own bedroom separate from my brother when we move to a new house under my mom's HUD program. He's manic bipolar while I have major depression, we're like oil and water. I love him dearly, but we can't share a bedroom, we'd probably end up killing each other before long. Half kidding, but we have gotten into many scrapes.

 

[Woorloog]

9AM. Haven't gone to sleep. Don't think i will (would wake up like at 6PM).
Don't want to dream (i see dreams i remember nearly every night), and idiots defending Xbone's ridiculous policies make me angry (and angry means i can't sleep really).

Also pretty sure i'm sliding back toward depression, despite having a couple of good weeks.

 

[ClassyPenguin]

Forget about the medical bills for now. I am so far in debt with medical bills it's hilarious, I pay them when I can, and say fuck you to the rest and don't answer the phone. Just ignore them until you can. I understand completely how you feel, though.

That's what I do with my student loans (even though it's not an outrageous amount of money). :3

 

[Surface of Me]

9AM. Haven't gone to sleep. Don't think i will (would wake up like at 6PM).
Don't want to dream (i see dreams i remember nearly every night), and idiots defending Xbone's ridiculous policies make me angry (and angry means i can't sleep really).

Also pretty sure i'm sliding back toward depression, despite having a couple of good weeks.

Mang I know that, times I havent gone to bed till 10 or 11.

At this point I think Im more bipolar than anything, Ill go a few weeks feelin good, then for about a week or so Ill be so fukkin depressed. The depressed states have gotten fewer and farther in between though, so thats nice. But damn, my judgement isn't right in those states.

 

[Woorloog]

Mang I know that, times I havent gone to bed till 10 or 11.

At this point I think Im more bipolar than anything, Ill go a few weeks feelin good, then for about a week or so Ill be so fukkin depressed. The depressed states have gotten fewer and farther in between though, so thats nice. But damn, my judgement isn't right in those states.

11:22AM here right now. Still up. Though i think i'll try to sleep for a couple of hours at least.

You have the same pattern as me? 2-3 good weeks, then 1-2 bad weeks?
That bipolar depression or some such?

 

[Surface of Me]

11:22AM here right now. Still up. Though i think i'll try to sleep for a couple of hours at least.

You have the same pattern as me? 2-3 good weeks, then 1-2 bad weeks?
That bipolar depression or some such?

Yep thats exactly me, but Ive gotten the bad to be a week or less at a time. Used to stretch to like 3 weeks at times. And if IIRC from psych 101, yes.

 

[Woorloog]

Yep thats exactly me, but Ive gotten the bad to be a week or less at a time. Used to stretch to like 3 weeks at times. And if IIRC from psych 101, yes.

Hmm. Odd. I think i used to have 1 bad week, 1 good week, or worse ratio earlier. Changes a bit, seemingly worse during fall and winter...

Also, looks like i'm not going to sleep, neighbors on the upper floor are arguing very loudly.
As did their predecessors. And their predecessors...

 

[Lonely1]

Done. I realize my own friends don't care about me. Fuck it.

At least you got "friends".

 

[Boem]

--- After finishing this post it seems it turned into another wall of text - very sorry about that. One thing I wanted to say before the rest of this post: I talk about how I wasted my life with the internet and games and whatnot - I wanted to make absolutely sure that you guys understand that I'm just talking about my own life. I know how important and helpful(!) that stuff can be for some of you, and I'm certainly not passing judgement on any of you. All this is about my personal life - I used all these distractions to escape my real life to a very unhealthy degree and I need to change my life. I'm doing that the only way that works for me: by quitting cold turkey. I definitely don't think anyone is a bad person for enjoying those things (I used to love it), but I ignored other, more important, parts of my life completely. Anyway, back to my post.
--------------


Hey all, I'm back. Just for today though, I'm blocking Neogaf and all my other distractions at the end of the day again (I blocked every distracting site a while back to focus on finishing my thesis). Need a bit of a break though.

My birthday was yesterday. Didn't feel up to a party, so I just stayed home to work. Was feeling fine about my decision the day before, but was in a really weird mood the entire time on the day itself, and I'm still feeling very weird now. Just so alone and unimportant to anyone's life. Not having my internet distractions really drives home how alone I am. I take a lot of long walks, up to 3 or 4 hours sometimes. They do help in making me feel more active and I like the idea that I'm working on my health like that - and being outside is definitely better than staying inside all the time. But now that the weather is getting better and I'm seeing all these attractive couples enjoying each others company, while I'm just by myself 95% of the time... It's hard.

So yeah, my birthday. My parents called - they were disappointed I wasn't coming home to celebrate which made me feel extremely guilty, which put me in a horrible mood all this time, but I really couldn't handle all that attention at the moment, which in turn makes me feel incredibly weak. I think they're sensing that I'm not at my happiest right now, but I can also tell that they're incredibly disappointed in how little I've lived my life all these years, and how much of a waste of space I am. They can tell that I'm not up to life in the real world, outside of the cocoon of education, and I have this fear that they're right about that.
Apart from that phone call I received some Facebook messages congratulating me, but all that felt weirdly empty. I know it sounds ungrateful and I don't mean it like that - I'm certainly glad they're taking the effort - but I never see most of those people, and even the closest of those relationships are very shallow. Not their fault at all, but I've been so closed up inside my own head for all these years that I failed to make a real connection with anybody. Loneliness is definitely a big issue in my life right now - I'm working on fixing that (and everything else), but it's hard to know if what you're doing makes sense when there's no one to support you and who knows what's going on with you, I guess.

Anyway: on the positive: I exercise a lot, I'm actively working on my studies/future and I'm trying to find hobbies outside of my comfort zone, although I have very little time for that at the moment. I try to see people 2 or 3 nights a week (the nights where I don't see anyone are very hard honestly). I've redecorated my room again and it actually looks pretty nice after I decided you can still be pretty manly when you've got some flowers around the house . Also learning to cook healthier, and other stuff like that. I'm doing a lot to end what seemed like an eternal childhood/adolescence. It's definitely time to grow up a bit for me.

I'm a lot more active without all my usual distractions. The realization of how much I wasted my time with all those books/movies/games/internet things over the years if very painful, but it's necessary. I need to be able to do more than just stare at a screen all the time. Life is very stressful now with all the study-stuff going on and preparing to find a job, which isn't going to be easy. I know I'll probably feel better in a couple of weeks when most of this stuff is taken care of. I get very little sleep though - I get a lot of nightmares about everything I've done wrong/am going to do wrong. It's sometimes hard to focus on my work because I'm so stressed out and sad all the time. As always, the mornings are the worst - I usually wake up at 5 from some terrible dream, and I spend a good couple of hours every morning feeling like everything I'm trying to do is pathetic and that I'm always going to be the loser I am now. I'm not even angry anymore, which I used to be (a lot) - I'm just exhausted and sad all the time.

One question: the biggest issue in my life right now (at least, the one that feels like it's out of my control the most) is my appearance. I've talked about this before, but the short version: I already wasn't born as the most attractive guy in the world, but an accident a couple of years back left my face scarred and burned, traces of which are still visible. I know the scars are never going to go away, and I've sort of made peace with that, but my skin is very unhealthy as a result, and I'm hoping to chance that as much as possible. Things that are wrong that hopefully might be slightly fixable: very pale skin (I don't really get any effect from sunlight anymore) with a lot of unhealthy dark and red marks here and there. I also have zombie-like dark (almost purple) rings under my eyes). I've tried stuff in the past of course, but nothing really helped. Of course, the condition of my skin wasn't helped by my terrible lifestyle because I was too scared to go out (which is still an issue, but I've decided I haven't got a choice anymore). What I'm trying to do now - I've bought another product after consulting with a beautician for the area around my eyes. Not sure yet if it'll work, I've only used it for a couple of days. Earlier attempts didn't, so who knows. Also: going out for a walk a couple of hours every day. While sunlight doesn't really affect me, I hope the combination with exercise will at least do something for me.
I know all this seems very vain. I'm very sorry about that, but it's a really big issue for me and it's still the biggest hurdle between me and other people at the moment. I feel that I'm ready to start living my life, but I can't because I can't stop obsessing over how bad I look. It's really bad - if I have to meet someone at the end of the day I can spend the entire day in front of the mirror. I need to get past this somehow. I don't really have a lot of funds to spend on this. I might be willing to share my pictures with someone here (in private, obviously) who could give advice on how to improve my appearance, but I'd have to think about that some more before I'd do something like that.

Anyway, sorry for that wall of text. Don't really have anyone to talk to here. I'll probably go for a walk now, maybe that'll make me feel better. I'll check back in the evening, and after that I'll have to block this site again to stay focused - I can't waste another day like this, lots of work left to do.

 

[Bagels]

Hey Boem,

Email me any time! I'll be better at responding after this weekend. Staying off of GAF is good, but it can be bad for your mental health to cut off the community entirely.

I'm "busy" for a few days with this wedding/seeing my family, but I'll check my PMs/email when I can!

 

[kiyomi]

For posterity.

I dunno where else to put these thoughts other than I know I'm supposed to put them out there. Nobody I want to talk to is around right now to listen to my self loathing, and even if they were, I doubt they would care. They're probably fed up of it by now. These past couple of weeks have been some of the most turbulent emotional days of my life, and it's almost entirely internally created. I am completely drained of any positive thought or energy, any meaningful desire to creatively work around my problems has been eroded by a tide of habitual negativity that originally stemmed from an honest frustration at a lack of personal progression and improvement, that has now morphed itself into a self-belittling, irritative and downbeat attitude.

I am, honestly, nothing. I'm living my life like I'm just waiting to get old and die. I wake up, lie around, do some stupid bullshit on the computer, and then just sit around not doing anything. Not even thinking most of the time. I've always said that I have never considered suicide, and that is still true. I'm far too much of a coward to even think about how I would do it, and the idea that I might upset someone because of it still affects me somehow. I don't physically self-harm, either, yet in a sense I know that I am harming myself mentally. I beat myself up about the stupidest, most trivial issues. Drop something on the floor? You're a fucking idiot. You can't even hold onto something. Pick it up, you shit. I bully myself into staying up late even though I have little to do, and so I end up in bed at 1-3AM, doing almost nothing until I fall asleep at which point I'll have a dream that almost always involves me dying or being put in ludicrously precarious positions. When I get up, I feel little compulsion to do even the tiniest preparational things, even brushing my teeth or washing is a chore I conveniently forget to do simply because it requires the notion of self-improvement.

I've tried talking to people about my problems. I'm in CBT for my anxiety. I've even attended most of my appointments. My therapist said I was doing well. I didn't go this week, and I probably won't next. I can't talk to my family about it, partly because of logistical problems, but also because I know they don't care. They're aware of some parts of my life, of course, and my mum is perhaps the one person who would listen - but they don't want to truly support me. I'm a lost cause to them. I'm a lost cause to myself. I don't have friends, and those who would call themselves such have their own problems, and yet again I'm a burden upon them. Nobody would want to rely on me for anything, how can they when they know me like this? When they ask for my opinion on their own problems, I spend any emotional energy I have left on them, because I want to help them, but I can't even help myself. My mum is getting through her own depression quite well, and at one point that made me happy. Now? Nope. I can say it's great, because it is, but that's not how I truly feel. When she's all better she'll stop needing my help. Just like everyone, it feels like people who talk to me about these things are just along for the ride and will be gone when it's over. However it ends.

All of this is just aside from my agoraphobia. I haven't left the house much for a while because of it. But right now that's not even what's gnawing at me, it's the funk, the depression I'm in. I just can't, and won't, be accepted by people. I can't make myself be accepted, and nobody would want to anyway.

Summers are the worst time of the year for me. For a start, I'll be 23 in a few weeks and it's another reminder of just how aimless and pointless my life has become. There won't be any birthday parties or celebrations, it'll probably just be me in my house with my stupid, annoying, retarded cat. As I age, I'm also starting to become very aware of my own mortality and it frightens me, but it's a total, all-encompassing fear that locks my life up and throws away the key. I'm scared that one day I will wake up and my life will be all but over, but I'm too paralyzed to do anything about it. Too scared to go out. Too scared to want to get better. It's been suggested I should take meds, but I don't want to do that for reasons I can't even properly explain or that I'm not even sure of myself. In addition I hate the summers because of how active the rest of the world appears to be. I want nothing other than to hibernate and wait for a time when everybody else is less energetic, so that somehow I can keep more in tune with them. Being outside in the sun makes my anxiety worse. People can see me easily. Loose clothing makes me feel unprotected and isolated. Bring on the winter when I can wear a hat and a scarf to cover myself up from the world.

No doubt someone somewhere will congratulate me for making public my thoughts, and that getting it out to other people helps, but no. I don't take any pride in it today. Maybe I will another day, but not now. I haven't articulated half of what I truly feel, out of fear that I might realise even more about myself that I want to, or because I might offend someone or hurt the one or two people I actually care about. In addition, I'm being torn up about internal feelings that have been bubbling underneath the surface of me for a long while. Things I am too afraid to say to anyone because of scared I am of their reactions. I lack the descriptive skills needed to really push my thoughts out there, so this is probably a rambling mess of a post.

I'm lost, I'm alone, and worst of all I'm just giving up and accepting it. Down inside I know that's not me, but I'm being overtaken by this swarm of self-resentment and pity.

Lastly, it looks to this lurker as though there's been a lot less traffic since moving to Community side. It really saddens me to see that.

 

[Boem]

Hey Boem,

Email me any time! I'll be better at responding after this weekend. Staying off of GAF is good, but it can be bad for your mental health to cut off the community entirely.

I'm "busy" for a few days with this wedding/seeing my family, but I'll check my PMs/email when I can!

Thanks. I'm not sure yet how I'm going to handle this. I'm waiting for the rain to clear so I can start walking (that's damn near poetic!), and I'm taking the time to reconsider how I've been handling things. I really can't do this alone. Maybe I'll allow myself 1 or 2 evenings on Gaf every week or something. I'll figure something out.

Enjoy being with your family though . I might go to mine tomorrow evening after all, if I'm feeling any better then.

Edit:

.

Double Edit: Oh man, I just remembered that I wrote almost the exact same response to you a couple of weeks ago. Didn't mean to do that. Sorry man, my head's not working properly today. I've deleted this response, no need to spam my thread with my long-ass nonsense all the time. My advice still stands, but I explained it a lot better in my old post, so I'm deleting this rambling mess. I hope you'll feel better soon man. Again, sorry, I'm a bit of a mess today.

 

[Daingurse]

At least you got "friends".

An yes, "friends" . . . can't say I have one friend of my own either. Plenty of aquaintences and I'm pretty close to my brothers friends I guess, but someone I can call and hang out with or count on? No, I have no such thing here in Phx.

I had friends in Chicago, but ever since I became depressed I have been a terrible "friend". Flaky, non-communicative, I just can't seem to maintain a long distance relationship with well . . . anyone. Friends, family, completely irrelevant. Makes me feel like shit, except towards my father. Hah, what a worthless man my father is. Just moving from one female to another, living off them like a fucking leech.

 

[Collete]

That one I think is my favorite, the one you quoted in this post. It seems to move, and it's fucking amazing.

Forget about the medical bills for now. I am so far in debt with medical bills it's hilarious, I pay them when I can, and say fuck you to the rest and don't answer the phone. Just ignore them until you can. I understand completely how you feel, though.

Really? Didn't think it "moves", nice! Thanks Fiction!

Hah, that's what I'm doing with my medical bills when I went to the ER for a burnt foot.



Morning depression...When you realize you "what's the point...another day of failed opportunity" that you fail to get out of bed.

 

[Colin.]

Morning depression...When you realize you "what's the point...another day of failed opportunity" that you fail to get out of bed.

I get those days as well. I'll sleep more than I need to, to prolong facing another day as long as possible. I try to think of the things I would plan on doing if I got up, even if it is minor things as I know I will have less time to do those things the longer I stay in bed. Temporary motivation, I suppose.

I also wanted to thank you for what you said to me yesterday. Any advice I normally get from people goes something like this:

So, what things do you like doing?
Oh, I'm interested in...
Yeah!! You should do that for a living!!

It just feels like avoidance to me, getting quick and easy answers without taking who I am as a person into account. I'm going to try and think of different projects I can do that involve any of my interest areas. Even if it doesn't work out, its something else I can rule out, so it wouldn't be time wasted. Better than procrastinating and doing very little, which is usually how my days go. So again, thanks for your meaningful words.

 

[Darkmakaimura]

Yay. Another day of feeling shitty.

Edit: Fuck it. I swallowed what little pride I had and texted my friend about when the next time we can go out. Now I feel and am going to look desperate. I just want to get out to clear my head for a night. I just can't deal with sitting in my house another few days like this or I'll go mad.

Edit 2: Fuck me, I wish I never did.

Fuck I want to die. Nobody gives a shit about me and for the record, I guess I really don't have any "friends". I just get a lot of bullshit and nobody really wants to be around me. Fuck them. Fuck myself. I KNOW what people REALLY think about me.

 

[falconzss]

Yay. Another day of feeling shitty.

Edit: Fuck it. I swallowed what little pride I had and texted my friend about when the next time we can go out. Now I feel and am going to look desperate. I just want to get out to clear my head for a night. I just can't deal with sitting in my house another few days like this or I'll go mad.

Edit 2: Fuck me, I wish I never did.

Fuck I want to die. Nobody gives a shit about me and for the record, I guess I really don't have any "friends". I just get a lot of bullshit and nobody really wants to be around me. Fuck them. Fuck myself. I KNOW what people REALLY think about me.

Sorry to hear that I know that feeling good enough. Haven't heard from one of my closest "friends" after I told her that I suffer from depression. Can't blame you for ranting, did it myself countless times. If you want to talk about it, PM me.

Edit: Please do anything stupid.

 

[Bagels]

The Mountain Goats are about to come on stage. All is right with the world.

 

[Darkmakaimura]

Sorry to hear that I know that feeling good enough. Haven't heard from one of my closest "friends" after I told her that I suffer from depression. Can't blame you for ranting, did it myself countless times. If you want to talk about it, PM me.

Edit: Please do anything stupid.

I'm too much of a coward to do anything "stupid" in that regards.

I had a bit of a clue a couple weeks ago when I hung out with my buddy that he may want to be around me less and even not even get together at all this month. My suspicions seems to be right on. If I had money, it wouldn't be so much an issue. He did tell me not to shut down my Facebook, which I posted I am going to after this weekend. I'm still going to follow through.

Really fucking agitated. I find myself spending way too much time on this forum (which I love, don't get me wrong, btw) and posting way too often. As is usual for anything, I don't have anything to offer so it's kind of pointless but I'm that out of it. I'm stuck indoors due to being broke and intense heat (100+ degrees outside). I'm going insane. I can't get out. Nobody fucking cares. Why should I? Why should I care? Again, fuck them. Fuck myself. I really wish I had some booze right now.

 

[MikeDip]

The Mountain Goats are about to come on stage. All is right with the world.

Nice! I've never been to a concert but I hear they are fun, hope you enjoy them. Dance a bit for me.

 

[Collete]

I get those days as well. I'll sleep more than I need to, to prolong facing another day as long as possible. I try to think of the things I would plan on doing if I got up, even if it is minor things as I know I will have less time to do those things the longer I stay in bed. Temporary motivation, I suppose.

I also wanted to thank you for what you said to me yesterday. Any advice I normally get from people goes something like this:

So, what things do you like doing?
Oh, I'm interested in...
Yeah!! You should do that for a living!!

It just feels like avoidance to me, getting quick and easy answers without taking who I am as a person into account. I'm going to try and think of different projects I can do that involve any of my interest areas. Even if it doesn't work out, its something else I can rule out, so it wouldn't be time wasted. Better than procrastinating and doing very little, which is usually how my days go. So again, thanks for your meaningful words.

You're most welcome, I hate being given that sort of advice myself, my parents do it all the time...

Keep at it and keep us updated on your projects!

This was a failure piece in my honest opinion...If any of you added me on steam, you know how long I stayed in Artrage 4 for like hours...Good reason for that!...I kept making paintings that were not good enough to my standards and scrapped in total 3-4 paintings. I finally gave up and produced this:

Title is New Home
After being denied from salvation, the journey for reentry to salvation starts. Through foreboding skies, we must embark.

 

[User 100115]

You're most welcome, I hate being given that sort of advice myself, my parents do it all the time...

Keep at it and keep us updated on your projects!

This was a failure piece in my honest opinion...If any of you added me on steam, you know how long I stayed in Artrage 4 for like hours...Good reason for that!...I kept making paintings that were not good enough to my standards and scrapped in total 3-4 paintings. I finally gave up and produced this:



Title is New Home
After being denied from salvation, the journey for reentry to salvation starts. Through foreboding skies, we must embark.

I think that is your best one yet, I love it.

 

[falconzss]

I'm too much of a coward to do anything "stupid" in that regards.

I had a bit of a clue a couple weeks ago when I hung out with my buddy that he may want to be around me less and even not even get together at all this month. My suspicions seems to be right on. If I had money, it wouldn't be so much an issue. He did tell me not to shut down my Facebook, which I posted I am going to after this weekend. I'm still going to follow through.

Really fucking agitated. I find myself spending way too much time on this forum (which I love, don't get me wrong, btw) and posting way too often. As is usual for anything, I don't have anything to offer so it's kind of pointless but I'm that out of it. I'm stuck indoors due to being broke and intense heat (100+ degrees outside). I'm going insane. I can't get out. Nobody fucking cares. Why should I? Why should I care? Again, fuck them. Fuck myself. I really wish I had some booze right now.

If your friendship relies on money it's shallow through and through. I can relate to spending way to much time on GAF in general. I know your pain of being broke and can't do any activities. I'm not saying this lightly, I'm doing this for almost 5 years now. I know how you're feeling right now, I feel angry, agitated and disappointed with the whole world. I don't know where you live so I can't give you any advice in terms of medical healthcare. If you have the opportunity though, try to consult a doctor.

 

[Bagels]

That concert was unreal, and it left me feeling just how much you all mean to me. I'll say more later but, for now, I love you guys so much!

 

[shadowkat]

Oomikami, I haven't commented yet but I really like your art. I wish I had some artistic ability.

It's been a difficult couple of weeks. I've felt like a complete failure. Something that I could have handled before will cause me to fall apart. I hate feeling this fragile.

 

[Bagels]

Any experience with Parnate (tranylcypromine sulfate)? It an a MMAOi. This is a new class from me, but i have family who swear by it. There are crazy dietary restritions, so it should be interesting.

I think i'm ready to try a new drug class . We'll see how it goes. This is the next step for me.

More thought later

But hey, I'm doing something!

Edited because that sounded nuts (there was beer involved) and I somehow copy/pasted a message about a bird in here.

 

[jb1234]

Any experience with Parnate (tranylcypromine sulfate)? It an a MMAOi. This is a new class from me, but i have family who swear by it. There area crazy dietary restritions, so it should be interesting. I read to try a new drug class . We'll see how it goes. This is the next step for Bagels.. the dietary restrictions, so t we'll see. At least my son seemly cleaf f mys isues sos far - "why are you so sad, daddy?' - fucking guts me. Fucking gutted it.

More thought later

But hey, I'm doing soneting!

:'(

Haven't personally tried it. Are you drunk, buddy?

 

[Darkmakaimura]

Haven't personally tried it. Are you drunk, buddy?

He's doing better than I am.

I just drank down four shots of NyQuil to calm myself. Let that anithistamine and DXM go to work. May take another shot in a bit and pop a couple melatonins. Otherwise, I won't calm down and won't sleep.

 

[heidern]

Morning depression...When you realize you "what's the point...another day of failed opportunity" that you fail to get out of bed.

In the morning, levels of the stress hormone Cortisol are at their highest. So any negative thoughts or feelings you have will be magnified. In other words, morning is the worst time to motivate yourself or plan your day or dwell on things or think about things. It is the time you will feel worst. Best thing is to get out of bed at the exact same time, no matter what, every single day without fail. Leave your thinking till later in the day.

BTW, I hate to admit it, but you're a much better artist than me

I'm going to try and think of different projects I can do that involve any of my interest areas. Even if it doesn't work out, its something else I can rule out, so it wouldn't be time wasted.

Awesome! Keep trying new things and hopefully something will stick. And if it doesn't, you can keep trying new things. That feeling of newness is one of lifes primary experiences so getting lots of it is a good thing. The only thing I'd add, is don't be afraid to look outside your interest areas. You might even find new interests.

No doubt someone somewhere will congratulate me for making public my thoughts, and that getting it out to other people helps, but no. I don't take any pride in it today. Maybe I will another day, but not now. I haven't articulated half of what I truly feel, out of fear that I might realise even more about myself that I want to, or because I might offend someone or hurt the one or two people I actually care about. In addition, I'm being torn up about internal feelings that have been bubbling underneath the surface of me for a long while. Things I am too afraid to say to anyone because of scared I am of their reactions. I lack the descriptive skills needed to really push my thoughts out there, so this is probably a rambling mess of a post.

It's good you wrote this. Articulating your thoughts does help release them. I write about 2000 words a day at the moment. It's quite shocking to see how much negative stuff is my brain. But my understanding of it is improving everyday and I feel more and more ok with things. You should also go to your CBT group. Imagine successfully going there and having a successful session. And keep replaying that success again and again. Don't imagine things not going well, just imagine the whole thing as detailed and real as possible. Imagine going there calmly, imagine everything going well, imagine feeling good coming back from it, imagine feeling good posting here about it even! Then it'll be easier to do it.

I feel that I'm ready to start living my life, but I can't because I can't stop obsessing over how bad I look. It's really bad - if I have to meet someone at the end of the day I can spend the entire day in front of the mirror. I need to get past this somehow. I don't really have a lot of funds to spend on this. I might be willing to share my pictures with someone here (in private, obviously) who could give advice on how to improve my appearance, but I'd have to think about that some more before I'd do something like that.

Again, you're visualising things not going well. You're imagining meeting people and feeling bad/awkward. Try to imagine meeting people and being relaxed and confident and happy and smiling and imagine the other person being similarly relaxed and confident and happy and smiling. Imagine the interaction going well. Keep replaying this again and again and build up this expectation. Then go out and do it. You might not completely succeed the first time you go out, but keep trying and keep imagining success and I'm sure you can succeed in this.

In terms of appearance, ultimately it comes down to your confidence. If you feel good then people will be happy to be in your presense regardless your look. But in terms of your look itself a lot of it comes down to your image/fashion sense. A shortcut, if you have bad skin, you could go for like a gothic, rocker look. Dark clothes, distressed jeans, leather, that kind of thing. You don't have to go Emo either, heck, a plain black round neck t-shirt that fits, jeans and black footwear can actually make you look super cool. Maybe have a red or silver watch. You can PM me with your pics if you want and I can try to give more specific ideas for you.

 

[Bagels]

Haven't personally tried it. Are you drunk, buddy?

There may have been some drinking at the concert, yes.

 

[Collete]

In the morning, levels of the stress hormone Cortisol are at their highest. So any negative thoughts or feelings you have will be magnified. In other words, morning is the worst time to motivate yourself or plan your day or dwell on things or think about things. It is the time you will feel worst. Best thing is to get out of bed at the exact same time, no matter what, every single day without fail. Leave your thinking till later in the day.

BTW, I hate to admit it, but you're a much better artist than me

Hm. I didn't know that. I'll have to keep that in mind when I get up then.

And no, I doubt I am XD
If that's the case, I want to see one of your drawings as proof!

I think that is your best one yet, I love it.

Thanks hun

Oomikami, I haven't commented yet but I really like your art. I wish I had some artistic ability.

It's been a difficult couple of weeks. I've felt like a complete failure. Something that I could have handled before will cause me to fall apart. I hate feeling this fragile.

You're too kind.
Yeah depression will do that to you. It's been doing that to me at the moment. Remember to keep taking care of yourself.