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[Lissar]

Exorcism is for suckers. I say make peace with your devils. Being self critical is not entirely a bad thing. You just need to know when it's being objective, and helpful, and for lack of better words and phrases, intelligent, and productive.

Constantly belittling your self is no good. Nor is bigging your self up. Unfortunately, balance doesn't come easy. Especially if one isn't level headed. which you know, in the context of this thread...

we're all drama, drama, drama eh?

ps. You could trying telling your self: Ashes thinks I'm smart. That's gotta mean something, right?*

*I think.

I really wish it were so easy to stop the negative thoughts! I have tried working on ridding myself of them for quite some time, but I've come to realize I just can't do it on my own. Especially when you live in your head as much as I do, it can be difficult to get some perspective.

I also wish it were as easy as believing in what other people thought of me! If I could do that, I wouldn't have any problems. I've never lacked for people who thought I could do anything. The most negative influence in my life was my former best friend (we no longer speak), everyone else has been wonderful. I am mostly the victim of my own perfectionism, which both helps drive me to create wonderful things, and then holds me back when it's decided it is not good enough. I both don't know how to live without it or live with it.

You sound like me. Really. I think we're the same person. lol

Seriously though, I'm also not where I want to be in life. I sit around a lot convincing myself I'm not good enough and there's no point in trying to improve. I decided last year that I wanted to become a writer, and while I've managed to put together a few manuscripts here and there, I still don't feel like my writing is anywhere near good enough. I get ideas for stories and pieces from time to time, but I never do anything with most of them. Every time I sit down to write, I start hearing that voice again. You're an awful writer. Why are you trying? You don't know anything about writing? You're not even smart enough to attempt to write? When's the last time you even picked up a book? It's just like drawing; you only say you want to do it cause you're not good at anything else. Just over and over. It ensures I do anything but sit down and actually write. I try telling myself I'm just being lazy and I need to power through it, but that makes me feel worse. lol

I think it's great that you're writing and updating a comic! Seriously, I would love to make comics myself, so I admire anyone with the gumption to actually put in the work and make one of their own. Your's looks really interesting too.

I share your phone anxiety too. I absolute cannot bring myself to call people on the phone unless I absolutely need something. And even then, that's only with people I know. Like, I can't even bring myself to call people to inquire about jobs because I'm so scared of...well, I'm not sure what I'm scared of. But I am scared! lol

Being a creator is hard, I think. We have this ideal in our head of what our creations should be, and then we're driven low by failing to meet our own lofty expectations. I'm sure there are people who manage to create without feeling like they are completely worthless for not creating things exactly as they imagined, and to be honest I am quite jealous of those people. Like you, sometimes I just have to power through and hope for the best. Not doing it at all is a worse feeling than doing it and getting hurt by it.

I don't know what I'm so scared of either! I've thought of a few things it could be, but it's all conjecture. I honestly forget my phone and let it die for a couple of days which is probably not at all helpful. I actually need to plug mine in. Whoops!

Hello sister from another mister!

You shouldn't feel silly. If this is how you geniunely feel, then you made the right choice. The longer you hold it in, the more it consumes you and defines you. And that could become very unhealthy for you and your surroundings.

Speaking as former artist I know it's a very tough and competitive industry. So I feel your pain. If your truely love art, start looking for short term educations, courses or classes to compliment your skills. If you have those and then some already, don't give up hope and keep searching even harder for an employment position fit to your artistic credentials.

Try exhibiting your art at cafes and such, or even donating your art to such establishments. The art world is about one thing mainly: connections, connections, connections, connections...



I concure. Some of your inner demons may become a great driving force if you know how to use them. This is gonna super nerdy but I like consider them as Jojo stands.

There's a saying "a man is not free if he can't control himself" coined by Pythagoras.

If you let your negative thoughts drain you, you won't be able to achieve your potential. Don't let those thoughts suck you in, reverse it, use it instead as a source of power.

Thanks! I actually have a degree in fine art (plus ages upon ages of art classes before that). Whether or not having that degree is a positive thing is depends on who you ask. I kind of regret it because the school I went to had a strong focus in abstract art, which is not at all my style. I only ended up arguing with the professors every day and ended up feeling like the art I wanted to do was completely worthless. Any time I made something that was representational, I was forced by my professors to change it until it was abstract. I feel I learned more in the years afterward than I ever did in school, though the education I received there was not completely worthless. I did take away a few things. (I also have a degree in Japanese, so I did not only go to school for art!)

Oh, right. I also have a portfolio here: https://killerprincessart.wordpress.com/

I just started so it doesn't have everything I've ever done. I have to scrounge around on my computer for the rest (I do primarily digital art now since it is cheaper with less mess. I am notoriously messy).

 

[Hypereides]

Thanks! I actually have a degree in fine art (plus ages upon ages of art classes before that). Whether or not having that degree is a positive thing is depends on who you ask. I kind of regret it because the school I went to had a strong focus in abstract art, which is not at all my style. I only ended up arguing with the professors every day and ended up feeling like the art I wanted to do was completely worthless. Any time I made something that was representational, I was forced by my professors to change it until it was abstract. I feel I learned more in the years afterward than I ever did in school, though the education I received there was not completely worthless. I did take away a few things. (I also have a degree in Japanese, so I did not only go to school for art!)

Oh, right. I also have a portfolio here: https://killerprincessart.wordpress.com/

I just started so it doesn't have everything I've ever done. I have to scrounge around on my computer for the rest (I do primarily digital art now since it is cheaper with less mess. I am notoriously messy).

You have a bachehlor degree in painting? That's mad. Woman I is jelly. I worked for a men's fashion magazine as a illustrator and had my art exhibited in New York and Copenhagen. Although my type was leaning towards street art.

But anyway! .... that gives you a HUGE open array of possibilities; restoring and recovering cultural art pieces in museums, opening your own friggin gallery, become an illustrator for book covers or magazines, newspaper charicaturist, auctioneer, assist cartoonists/illustrators/painters in their work, working commercial advertisement design.. etc, etc, I could go on. There's a ton of hope

Do you have a Linkedin account? If you don't get one immediately. List all your skills, qualifications, curriculum vitae, experience, competence etc. etc.. That's a very good starting point. Many prominent employers use Linkedin these days.

Also fill your goddamn portofolio to the brim! Don't let anything go to waste. Not even a doodled piece of toilet paper!

 

[Daingurse]

Well an opportunity seems to have presented itself for me and I'm going to take it. My step-dad thinks I would probably be competent enough in his company's IT department, despite me having no such certification. He's an employer and I am fairly skilled with computers and it sounds like the position has on the job training that will teach me everything I need to know. He thinks I have the necessary proficiencies and competence to do it. I've honestly been drifting very badly in life, I have been struggling greatly in community college, wandering aimlessly really. I think I'd much rather work, be able to contribute to my family financially and possibly build my own life.


This is definitely a privilege, I am very aware of that, and I see no reason to not accept it. Honestly I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders in a way, I have been completely stagnant for years making no discernible progress in life. I just want to make some visible progress in life and be somewhat self-sufficient, less of a burden. This day was feeling fairly mediocre, but I would be lying if I didn't say I feel a sense of relief at this moment. I'm not sure what all needs to be done, or even exactly what I'll be doing, but I don't care. I'll adapt and manage somehow. School has felt like a complete dead end for me because the desire was not there, I wasn't going to class because I wanted to, but because I was told to and with my student loans it felt like I needed to stay in class to delay payments. I felt completely stuck. I hope maybe I can return with actual motivation later down the line, but I'd honestly rather be making money instead of stacking up more debt . . .

Good for you Daingurse!

So I've been off my meds for about four or five days now. It's actually noticeably affecting me. I'm feeling not so good again...

Thanks man. Why you off your meds man? The withdrawal from my meds makes me extremely ill, fucking SNRI's.

That's great! Definitely work instead of going to school if you have that opportunity. Especially if you aren't enthusiastic about school. (Personally I prefer school to working, aside from the whole dirt-poor-and-in-debt thing). I find the best opportunities are the ones that come upon you unexpectedly. When I got my last job it was such a relief, even though it didn't really align with my skills and goals. Just to have an opportunity to work. I'm sure you'll do great!

Thanks Lissar, I hope so lol. I definitely feel a bit anxious, but this feels like the "good" kind of anxiety, closer to excitement really.

 

[BigEvilTurtle]

Good for you Daingurse!

So I've been off my meds for about four or five days now. It's actually noticeably affecting me. I'm feeling not so good again...

 

[Lissar]

You have a bachehlor degree in painting? That's mad. Woman I is jelly. I worked for a men's fashion magazine as a illustrator and had my art exhibited in New York and Copenhagen. Although my type was leaning towards street art.

But anyway! .... that gives you a HUGE open array of possibilities; restoring and recovering cultural art pieces in museums, opening your own friggin gallery, become an illustrator for book covers or magazines, newspaper charicaturist, auctioneer, assist cartoonists/illustrators/painters in their work, working commercial advertisement design.. etc, etc, I could go on. There's a ton of hope

Do you have a Linkedin account? If you don't get one immediately. List all your skills, qualifications, curriculum vitae, experience, competence etc. etc.. That's a very good starting point. Many prominent employers use Linkedin these days.

Also fill your goddamn portofolio to the brim! Don't let anything go to waste. Not even a doodled piece of toilet paper!

My first thought was "Start that big? But I still have so much work to do on my skills!" As you can see, it's still going to take a lot of work before I'll accept myself as a competent artist.

I don't have a Linkedin account! I never really considered it, I didn't think it would help me in any way. Especially since work I've done professionally has been limited to creating pamphlet/ticket illustrations for a Japanese culture con in Norway. (Oh man, that was ages ago. I had nearly forgotten about it! Doing those illustrations was the first and only time I worked with vectors. I really ought to go try doing vector work again.) So I'll look into it!

Well an opportunity seems to have presented itself for me and I'm going to take it. My step-dad thinks I would probably be competent enough in his company's IT department, despite me having no such certification. He's an employer and I am fairly skilled with computers and it sounds like the position has on the job training that will teach me everything I need to know. He thinks I have the necessary proficiencies and competence to do it. I've honestly been drifting very badly in life, I have been struggling greatly in community college, wandering aimlessly really. I think I'd much rather work, be able to contribute to my family financially and possibly build my own life.


This is definitely a privilege, I am very aware of that, and I see no reason to not accept it. Honestly I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders in a way, I have been completely stagnant for years making no discernible progress in life. I just want to make some visible progress in life and be somewhat self-sufficient, less of a burden. This day was feeling fairly mediocre, but I would be lying if I didn't say I feel a sense of relief at this moment. I'm not sure what all needs to be done, or even exactly what I'll be doing, but I don't care. I'll adapt and manage somehow. School has felt like a complete dead end for me because the desire was not there, I wasn't going to class because I wanted to, but because I was told to and with my student loans it felt like I needed to stay in class to delay payments. I felt completely stuck. I hope maybe I can return with actual motivation later down the line, but I'd honestly rather be making money instead of stacking up more debt . . .

That's great! Definitely work instead of going to school if you have that opportunity. Especially if you aren't enthusiastic about school. (Personally I prefer school to working, aside from the whole dirt-poor-and-in-debt thing). I find the best opportunities are the ones that come upon you unexpectedly. When I got my last job it was such a relief, even though it didn't really align with my skills and goals. Just to have an opportunity to work. I'm sure you'll do great!

 

[swecide]

I've had access to a windows machine for the past few days and I've tried out a few different IRC clients. The webchat works great but as we all know browsers sometimes crash or you hit backspace one too many times and accidentally back out of the chat.

AdiIRC is very easy to set up as you don't get five thousand buttons and menus in your face when you start it up the first time.

[IMG]http://i.imgur.com/U1GwPTR.jpg[/IMG]

It's not the prettiest client but there are a couple of themes on the website that makes it bearable. As with most things it comes down to personal preference. My client of choice is irssi but there are a ton of other clients out there if you feel like trying something out. A few others: HexChat, HydraIRC, Colloquy, AndChat.

The reason I'm writing this is that I've noticed one particular user joining chat and then leaving again within seconds. It could be any number of technical and other reasons for this to happen but I hate to think that maybe it has something to do with the webchat and someone's not aware of any error occurring and just think the chat is dead (although at times it can be pretty inactive).

 

[Hypereides]

My first thought was "Start that big? But I still have so much work to do on my skills!" As you can see, it's still going to take a lot of work before I'll accept myself as a competent artist.

I don't have a Linkedin account! I never really considered it, I didn't think it would help me in any way. Especially since work I've done professionally has been limited to creating pamphlet/ticket illustrations for a Japanese culture con in Norway. (Oh man, that was ages ago. I had nearly forgotten about it! Doing those illustrations was the first and only time I worked with vectors. I really ought to go try doing vector work again.) So I'll look into it!

Then you got the wrong mindset:

Your skills and knowledge will develope and mature with time. You set high standards for yourself, which tells me you're ambitious. That you're ambitious tells me you're eager to learn. That you're eager to learn, further tells me you're passionate. People start big. Never let yourself think you're not worthy of a respectable position. Never get too overconfident (arrogant), never sells yourself short. If you know you want it. get it. Sell it to them.

I honestly think you need a mentor. An inspiring artist that's been in the field for a long time. Sounds like your professors were really bad mentors.

Also, your style may even change over time. Accept this change only as long as you feel naturally content with it.

Disney fought years before he achieved any break through success.

Heck you could even start out doing small time childrens books if you got a solid idea/story you can pitch to a publisher.

I'm fucking serious. A bachelor degree is huge ass shit regardless how you or anyone likes to spin it. It's pretty much a document that tells me you're a goddamn well educated creative individual with advanced knowledge in that particulair field. I mean, you didn't bust your butt off 3 years in a row to prove you know how to draw finger paintings right?

 

[Lissar]

Then you got the wrong mindset:

Your skills and knowledge will develope and mature with time. You set high standards for yourself, which tells me you're ambitious. That you're ambitious tells me you're eager to learn. That you're eager to learn, further tells me you're passionate. People start big. Never let yourself think you're not worthy of a respectable position. Never get too overconfident (arrogant), never sells yourself short. If you know you want it. get it. Sell it to them.

I honestly think you need a mentor. An inspiring artist that's been in the field for a long time. Sounds like your professors were really bad mentors.

Also, your style may even change over time. Accept this change only as long as you feel naturally content with it.

Disney fought years before his style finally before he achieved any break through success.

Heck you could even start out doing small time childrens books if you got a solid idea/story you can pitch to a piblisher.

A mentor is actually something I've been wanting to find recently. I didn't have anyone to help me and I just got lost. Though, I don't know where I would find a mentor. I always feel like if I ask someone questions I would be bothering them.

I'm actually happy working in all sorts of styles! I like experimenting and trying out new stuff. If you always work in one style you get into a bit of a rut. Although I realize for some artists they have built their career on having one particular style and people who like their work expect it to be done in one particular way. I actually like to do this thing where I find a particular artist and then do a self portrait in their style. Examining and emulating the style of other artists is a great way to get experience (though I don't usually put out such pieces officially).

Actually, children's books sounds like a lot of fun. I should consider looking into it.

I'm fucking serious. A bachelor degree is huge ass shit regardless how you or anyone likes to spin it. It's pretty much a document that tells me you're a goddamn well educated creative individual. I mean, you didn't bust your butt off 3 years in a row to prove you know how to draw finger paintings right?

I've always been told that the degree means little and the portfolio is everything! So sometimes I have felt that perhaps it was a waste.

 

[Daingurse]

I've always been told that the degree means little and the portfolio is everything! So sometimes I have felt that perhaps it was a was.

If it makes you feel any better even I'm a bit salty, since I've been struggling trying to just get a damn Associates lol. An accomplishment is an accomplishment, don't let people try and trivialize it. It's always something to be proud of at least

 

[Lissar]

If it makes you feel any better even I'm a bit salty, since I've been struggling trying to just get a damn Associates lol. An accomplishment is an accomplishment, don't let people try and trivialize it. It's always something to be proud of at least

I actually also have a degree in Japanese, which I'm pretty proud of! I just sometimes wonder if the art degree was worth it given how the professors were.

I have a friend (she's also on GAF!) who struggled in school and then took a break. She'll be going back this fall to study now that she's finally found a concrete goal she's working towards. Sometimes taking a break can be helpful. Work, maybe save some money and do a bit of traveling (or maybe that's just me? Whenever I've gone through a bad spell, traveling can help give me new perspective. Too bad traveling costs so much or else I'd be doing it quite a bit more).

 

[Hypereides]

A mentor is actually something I've been wanting to find recently. I didn't have anyone to help me and I just got lost. Though, I don't know where I would find a mentor. I always feel like if I ask someone questions I would be bothering them.

I'm actually happy working in all sorts of styles! I like experimenting and trying out new stuff. If you always work in one style you get into a bit of a rut. Although I realize for some artists they have built their career on having one particular style and people who like their work expect it to be done in one particular way. I actually like to do this thing where I find a particular artist and then do a self portrait in their style. Examining and emulating the style of other artists is a great way to get experience (though I don't usually put out such pieces officially).

Actually, children's books sounds like a lot of fun. I should consider looking into it.

Woman puh-lease! If you want to get smarter, you'll need to start asking questions. And that's only a logical and reasonable solution for you to do. If somebody denies you that, then they're really not worth learning from. Its only natural that when you're in doubt that you'll need help.

Try finding a mentor - or somebody that can guide you anyway - in your university. That's probably a good place to start looking and work your way from there.

I know many artists can be excentric in this business, but don't ever - and I mean EVER - let that hold you back from asking questions and desiring to learn more.

I've always been told that the degree means little and the portfolio is everything! So sometimes I have felt that perhaps it was a waste.

Weigh both factors. Overwhelm them with your portofolio AND your degree. Don't hold your cannons on anything! Give them no excuses!

Employers will try to test you and find any bullshit excuse to not hire you. Do not give them that chance.

Show them you're that woman with a strong creative muscle and driven by hard work and ambition they want and need.

 

[Lissar]

Woman puh-lease! If you want to get smarter, you'll need to start asking questions. And that's only a logical and reasonable solution for you to do. If somebody denies you that, then they're really not worth learning from. Its only natural that when you're in doubt that you'll need help.

Try finding a mentor - or somebody that can guide you anyway - in your university. That's probably a good place to start looking and work your way from there.

I know many artists can be excentric in this business, but don't ever - and I mean EVER - let that hold you back from asking questions and desiring to learn more.



Weigh both factors. Overwhelm them with your portofolio AND your degree. Don't hold your cannons on anything! Give them no excuses!

Employers will try to test you and find and bullshit excuse to not hire you. Do not give them that chance.

Show them you're that woman with a strong creative muscle and driven by hard work and ambition they want and need.

I am feeling a bit overwhelmed (and a bit panicky) by the thought of having to do all this. I know it's something I have to work through, but it has been one of my stumbling blocks.

I don't believe I can find anyone at my university. As I said, they are all abstract gallery artists who have little interest in illustration work or working commercially. I am not sure what help they would give.

 

[Hypereides]

I am feeling a bit overwhelmed (and a bit panicky) by the thought of having to do all this. I know it's something I have to work through, but it has been one of my stumbling blocks.

I don't believe I can find anyone at my university. As I said, they are all abstract gallery artists who have little interest in illustration work or working commercially. I am not sure what help they would give.

My bad, that's just the way my mind deals with business and things... because inside I believe I can achieve and deserve great things (ironically thats also the literal meaning of my surname ). Then again I'm a host of alot of raging energy so that's probably why all of this sounds a bit turbulent.

Listen, don't overwhelm yourself. I'm just giving advice. Lay out a plan, work towards milestones/goals at the pace best suited for you. If things go fast for you, you'll stumble, if you go too slow, you'll miss opportunities. Find a good middle ground that works for you,.People are different, and that should be taken into consideration. But you'll need to crack out of your comfort zone to get things done. There's no way around it.

Again, start at your uni. Don't you have guidance conselors at the campus? If those artists there can't help, perhaps they'll know someone who can.

Remember; don't be short sighted. Networking is very vital. The campus staff may know people in the graphic industry that could help you give a boost in the right way.

Anyway, sorry about the spelling and grammar mistakes in my previous comments. I was in gym earlier today and my body is completely trashed. I'm also feeling pretty tired. My body is craving food!

We can keep talking about this motivation tomorrow or some other week day brosephine.

 

[Collete]

Another night of feeling like shit...This will end well...

 

[Lissar]

My bad, that's just the way my mind deals with business and things... because inside I believe I can achieve and deserve great things (ironically thats also the literal meaning of my surname ). Then again I'm a host of alot of raging energy so that's probably why all of this sounds a bit turbulent.

Listen, don't overwhelm yourself. I'm just giving advice. Lay out a plan, work towards milestones/goals at the pace best suited for you. If things go fast for you, you'll stumble, if you go too slow, you'll miss opportunities. Find a good middle ground that works for you,.People are different, and that should be taken into consideration. But you'll need to crack out of your comfort zone to get things done. There's no way around it.

Again, start at your uni. Don't you have guidance conselors at the campus? If those artists there can't help, perhaps they'll know someone who can.

Remember; don't be short sighted. Networking is very vital. The campus staff may know people in the graphic industry that could help you give a boost in the right way.

Anyway, sorry about the spelling and grammar mistakes in my previous comments. I was in gym earlier today and my body is completely trashed. I'm also feeling pretty tired. My body is craving food!

We can keep talking about this motivation tomorrow or some other week day brosephine.

Thank you for talking with me, despite getting me getting a panic attack.

I looked at my university website, but I don't have the first clue who to talk with. The two professors that I know didn't really like me and they hated illustration, so I'm not really sure who I should contact. There is career counseling available, but nothing that is related to art itself. Not sure how much use it would be to talk to a career counselor. I mean, I guess they could give me some advice, even if it isn't art related.

Everyone tells me to network, but I'm so poor at it. I keep worrying that I'm being a bother. But I think my not contacting people just makes others think I'm cold and aloof, so it works out even less in my favor.

 

[Hypereides]

Thank you for talking with me, despite getting me getting a panic attack.

I looked at my university website, but I don't have the first clue who to talk with. The two professors that I know didn't really like me and they hated illustration, so I'm not really sure who I should contact. There is career counseling available, but nothing that is related to art itself. Not sure how much use it would be to talk to a career counselor. I mean, I guess they could give me some advice, even if it isn't art related.

Everyone tells me to network, but I'm so poor at it. I keep worrying that I'm being a bother. But I think my not contacting people just makes others think I'm cold and aloof, so it works out even less in my favor.

You're welcome. I'll contribute more advice when I'm fresh and awake with a clearer mind tomorrow morning.

In the mean time don't get intimidated by all of this information. Just process it for the time being.

EDIT: P.S: Sorry about the panic attack

 

[heidern]

I am feeling a bit overwhelmed (and a bit panicky) by the thought of having to do all this. I know it's something I have to work through, but it has been one of my stumbling blocks.

You got a degree in Art and you got a degree in Japanese. How much time and effort did you put into those? What is it, 3 years? Great, you know you can do that. Now just think it's time to do the same again and get a degree in building a career.

Build your porfolio, build your LinkedIn profile, develop your networking skills, develop your communication skills, keep learning different types of art, learn how to apply for jobs, get some jobs or voluntary work to build your CV, and so on and so on. Just like a degree, you don't take all your exams and coursework on the first day, you take it day by day and develop over a period of years. So just have fun with it and appreciate the process. Any difficulties take them as an opportunity to learn and grow.

 

[Ashes]

The most negative influence in my life was my former best friend (we no longer speak), everyone else has been wonderful. I am mostly the victim of my own perfectionism, which both helps drive me to create wonderful things, and then holds me back when it's decided it is not good enough. I both don't know how to live without it or live with it.

What did your former best friend do? Or vice versa.

-----

Today, i remembered that when it's all getting a bit too much, you need to take a time out.

You have to believe in your self. You have to put in the work. You have to have the will to push through the final line at the end of the marathon.

If life is a struggle, you need to proactively do something about it.

 

[Cameron122]

I started my blog. My voice is stupid. Arghhhh

 

[User 100115]

Hey guys, sorry I wasn't in chat or mumble today, had a rough one, ended up not sleeping at all last night for some reason, took a two hour nap, but I am exhausted. Hope to catch you all soon!

 

[Lionheart1827]

Hey guys, sorry I wasn't in chat or mumble today, had a rough one, ended up not sleeping at all last night for some reason, took a two hour nap, but I am exhausted. Hope to catch you all soon!

Too much scary face guy!

 

[Bagels]

So we have our first takers for the traveling mental health GAF notebooks! I don't know if it's a dumb idea or whatever, but if you want in, say so!

One notebook (Euro edition) is traveling to FillerB. The NA version is starting with Lionheart1827. I think Swecide has dibs on the Euro notebook next, but the NA one will be up for grabs. We might set up a google doc for people to list their names if they want to receive a notebook at some point. And, because there is some interest from non-European and non-NA people, I might start a third globetrotting edition. Postage there might be a little higher, but they're small notebooks, so it still shouldn't be much.

 

[Hypereides]

@Lissar

I've been browsing through some of your stuff and I can definitely see you put alot of your personality and identity into these works. Maybe self projection? which is possibly why you're sensitive about your stuff. I don't know if I'm right, maybe I'm even slightly overanalysing, but that's what I genuinely see. I see alot of warmth but also alot of darkness.

You also have an interesting coloring palette; It reminds me of early modern french/spanish art coloring technique from the 1900~1930's. Pretty european. Even your strokes kinda give me that impression. Kinda like Matisse' and Berain's style of coloring. But with darker tones. French fauvism artists usually used brighter color schemes.

Google up Andre Berain's Woman in a chemise (1906) and it'll give you an idea of what I mean.

 

[RionaaM]

Hey guys, sorry I wasn't in chat or mumble today, had a rough one, ended up not sleeping at all last night for some reason, took a two hour nap, but I am exhausted. Hope to catch you all soon!

Hope you get better soon Fic, and get a good rest tonight.

I finally entered that strange world that you guys call Mumble, and it was really fun listening to all of you. I'd love to be able to talk to you one of these days, but my English isn't good, and you'll probably laugh at my terrible pronunciation

 

[Wilsongt]

Karma is a bitch, or maybe life just hates me. Either way, fuck.

 

[Collete]

I should probably call this psychologist that's under my insurance but I'm scared she'll treat me differently because I have insurance and not technically paying full price. Also the fact I have to call when I already have a fear of talking on the phone. It's a daunting task technically but mostly I'm just scared she'll just treat me bad...

Still feeling suicidal today though...

 

[Pau]

I should probably call this psychologist that's under my insurance but I'm scared she'll treat me differently because I have insurance and not technically paying full price. Also the fact I have to call when I already have a fear of talking on the phone. It's a daunting task technically but mostly I'm just scared she'll just treat me bad...

That's not how insurance works. She's still getting paid by your insurance so there's no reason for her to treat you differently.

 

[Lonely1]

I should probably call this psychologist that's under my insurance but I'm scared she'll treat me differently because I have insurance and not technically paying full price.

You don't have anything to lose. Try to think about it that way.

Also the fact I have to call when I already have a fear of talking on the phone. It's a daunting task technically but mostly I'm just scared she'll just treat me bad...

Can you get a friend to make the call?

Still feeling suicidal today though...

You should talk to someone! At what time is are the GAF chats?

 

[Ashes]

I should probably call this psychologist that's under my insurance but I'm scared she'll treat me differently because I have insurance and not technically paying full price. Also the fact I have to call when I already have a fear of talking on the phone. It's a daunting task technically but mostly I'm just scared she'll just treat me bad...

Still feeling suicidal today though...

She can go fuck herself, if she treats you less.

Chances are, this is just your depression talking. And she and you could be a great fit.

The more effort you place on worrying, and feeling suicidal sista, the more you are not utilising the organ that is most likely to get you out of this mess. Use your brain to focus on a strategy that will get you through the phone call.

Anticipate what she is likely to say, what you will likely need to say, and are required to say. be honest, and let the dice roll how it may.

 

[Windam]

Sucks feeling all down when you really don't have a good reason to. I just feel all shitty and think of suicide a lot (though I can't say I'm feeling suicidal) for no reason. Fuck.

Karma is a bitch, or maybe life just hates me. Either way, fuck.

I feel you.

 

[Wilsongt]

I have been sitting here for the last few minutes just writing down all of the thoughts that come to my mind. My hand hurts. XD i'm such a freak.

 

[Collete]

That's not how insurance works. She's still getting paid by your insurance so there's no reason for her to treat you differently.

Oh ok that's good to know. I hear I have to do a bunch of paper work if I am doing insurance though (at least that's what they told me to do in Clin Psych course)

Can you get a friend to make the call?



You should talk to someone! At what time is are the GAF chats?

*sigh* I have no friends from where I live. In the end I have to call and make the appointment, you can't ask other people to do it for you.

I don't want to bother with GAF chats.

 

[MooMoo]

I've been wanting to post here for a while but I can never really come up with anything to say. I kinda feel silly knowing how many times I've clicked 'post reply' for this thread but ended up not posting anything.

Sigh. I look back a year ago and back then I would have been able to push past my feelings. And when I started feeling depressed I guess you could say I was in denial; I figured that maybe I was just going through a phase in life and that it would pass over eventually. But here I am months later and these days I just don't have it in me to push myself forward in life anymore. Just so much negativity/things I hate about my life and I feel like I've warped into a bitter person because of it. The worst part of it all is knowing what I need to do to fix things in life but just not having the energy or willpower to do so.

Sometimes I wish I could just take my brain out of my head and kick it around or something. Need a way to clear my thoughts out.

 

[Wilsongt]

So my little writing session just resulted in 10 pages of a stream of lots, a lot of which included beating myself into a bloody pulp.

Including putting myself down for even thinking about telling people what I wrote, and calling myself pathetic no less than 20 times.

Weeeeeeee.

More and more, suicide or a coma is become a viable option,

 

[Ashes]

So my little writing session just resulted in 10 pages of a stream of lots, a lot of which included beating myself into a bloody pulp.

Including putting myself down for even thinking about telling people what I wrote, and calling myself pathetic no less than 20 times.

Weeeeeeee.

More and more, suicide or a coma is become a viable option,

Probably best not to post here, but pm me if you want. I'm very interested in stream of conciousness writing.

Sometimes what helps is to deliberately write good things about your self, and see it appear on the page. Wish fulfilment works for some people for some reason. Our brains are funny.

 

[Daingurse]

So my little writing session just resulted in 10 pages of a stream of lots, a lot of which included beating myself into a bloody pulp.

Including putting myself down for even thinking about telling people what I wrote, and calling myself pathetic no less than 20 times.

Weeeeeeee.

More and more, suicide or a coma is become a viable option,

I really hate how coma and suicide are consistent viable options in my head, pretty much whenever I feel any teeny bit of distress. I pretty much have to ignore that shit. I think getting those thoughts down on paper sounds pretty conducive and helpful. I know how alluring beating down on yourself can be, but I've been trying my best to not be as hard on myself and you should too. Regardless of how true the thoughts may feel, we should treat ourselves with some compassion. I'm still struggling with that admittedly though, being gentle on myself feels very "wrong".

Also Oomikami if insurance operated like that then NOBODY would give a fuck about me, as I'm a state SMI welfare case. Although I gotta say, sometimes it feels like my case manager prioritizes me lower since I'm too meek. . . Don't worry Psychologists don't care who they're getting paid by, as long as they're getting paid. I actually like my therapist, have been developing a decent rapport with her I think. Got group DBT in a few hours, Distress Tolerance. Very tangible and useful skills to learn frankly.

 

[Xzeon]

Hello! And welcome to the thread!
I think I kind of understand where you're coming from. Way back once upon a time, I was quite a misanthrope too (disliking humans as a species and all that lol), but I have since mellowed and have accepted my place as one of the representatives of humanity, and also the particular coolness of other humans, and can try to establish a better image of the human species with my own little contributions.

I understand where you might have concerns about which of your thoughts might be valid or not and have a kind of existential crisis over who you really are, but I think it's better to think of yourself as not one static personality or force. People change and grow all the time, and they are still who they are. You are constantly in the process of becoming who you are, so whether or not you have depression as part of your life and your thoughts, you are still you. And it kind of means you can decide who you want to be.

I hope your therapy and medication do work out well for you. It might not be instant or even perfect on the first try, but don't give up. Remember that you're still in the process of becoming who you are. All the time. Focus on what makes you happy and gives you motivation (even if it's MLP and Pacific Rim~), do the little things that can help you build yourself in the direction you want to go.

Hope you continue to hang around the thread. Don't worry about having to defend yourself too much here. We're a pretty supportive bunch!

welp, you were the only one to acknowledge me so, hi.

i tried one pill of Clonazepam and it made me sick and shaky all day, im not taking any more of that shit.

it makes me afraid to try other meds.

i just lay in bed and do nothing all day.

you got a problem with MLP? most people do, but Pacific Rim was great and everyone should go see it.

so uh, yeah whatever, i guess ill hang around here, maybe, i dunno.

place seems crowded, didnt know so many Gaffers were depressed.

 

[Pau]

I've been wanting to post here for a while but I can never really come up with anything to say. I kinda feel silly knowing how many times I've clicked 'post reply' for this thread but ended up not posting anything.

Sigh. I look back a year ago and back then I would have been able to push past my feelings. And when I started feeling depressed I guess you could say I was in denial; I figured that maybe I was just going through a phase in life and that it would pass over eventually. But here I am months later and these days I just don't have it in me to push myself forward in life anymore. Just so much negativity/things I hate about my life and I feel like I've warped into a bitter person because of it. The worst part of it all is knowing what I need to do to fix things in life but just not having the energy or willpower to do so.

Sometimes I wish I could just take my brain out of my head and kick it around or something. Need a way to clear my thoughts out.

Posting in this thread is kind of like taking your brain out and kicking it around! Or rather, it can work as way of clearing thoughts out.

What are your options for therapy like? That should be your next step and can be a really difficult one. You do have it in you though, otherwise you wouldn't have come in to post and while doing so seems like such an easy thing, it's a good first step.

welp, you were the only one to acknowledge me so, hi.

i tried one pill of Clonazepam and it made me sick and shaky all day, im not taking any more of that shit.

it makes me afraid to try other meds.

i just lay in bed and do nothing all day.

you got a problem with MLP? most people do, but Pacific Rim was great and everyone should go see it.

so uh, yeah whatever, i guess ill hang around here, maybe, i dunno.

place seems crowded, didnt know so many Gaffers were depressed.

You'd be surprised by how many people are diagnosed with depression or anxiety or some sort of mental illness. Most of us tend to keep it under wraps though in public.

As for medication, remember, there's a lot of different meds out there and they won't all have the same effect, and that includes the negative ones. I used to be pretty against taking anti-depressants myself, but eventually I figured: what else have I got to lose? Sure, it might take a while to find one that works for you, but isn't ultimately feeling better worth it?

As for laying in bed and doing nothing all day: it's an easy trap to fall into. But keeping busy and having a routine and being productive can help so much. And by being productive, I mean anything. It can be as little as: "Okay, today I'm going to be sure to read 50 pages of this novel!" or learning a new skill.

 

[Daingurse]

Was just messing around with my moms portable BP monitor. My pressure was 174/99, that's not good at all. Christ I'm only 23 . . . and that's well within the range of moderate hypertension, just what I fucking need on my mind. Need to find my BP pills that make me feel like a zombie, no wonder my head hurts.

 

[Xzeon]

i made a thread, come join if you want.

http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showthread.php?p=70936086

 

[MooMoo]

Posting in this thread is kind of like taking your brain out and kicking it around! Or rather, it can work as way of clearing thoughts out.

What are your options for therapy like? That should be your next step and can be a really difficult one. You do have it in you though, otherwise you wouldn't have come in to post and while doing so seems like such an easy thing, it's a good first step.

Haha I guess it sort of is

Never even considered therapy before. I'm going to go out on a whim and assume there's no free therapy sessions or the like? Not exactly swimming in cash right now. The mere idea freaks me out though. If anyone in my family caught wind of it I feel like my life would come crashing down on me.

 

[Daingurse]

Just got back from group DBT, good session.

Xzeon, I checked out your thread, I think You might want to consider checking yourself into a hospital. I think you could benefit from it as you could get on a medication and treatment plan that you can continue when you get out. I don't really like hospitals much myself, just had some bad experiences, but it could help you get stabilized. I think professional help is the way to go, don't worry about being put in a straight jacket or the like, that's not how it works, well unless you assault someone in there.

I can feel your pain in that thread. so I hope you get yourself some help.

 

[Collete]

I can't do this anymore...

welp, you were the only one to acknowledge me so, hi.

i tried one pill of Clonazepam and it made me sick and shaky all day, im not taking any more of that shit.

it makes me afraid to try other meds.

i just lay in bed and do nothing all day.

you got a problem with MLP? most people do, but Pacific Rim was great and everyone should go see it.

so uh, yeah whatever, i guess ill hang around here, maybe, i dunno.

place seems crowded, didnt know so many Gaffers were depressed.

Hey I saw your thread, you can PM me if you want to talk, I'll listen.

 

[Windam]

Everyone but me has friends. Everyone but me is going out with those friends and having a good time. Everyone else has forgotten I exist, and when I try to make contact, I'm more or less ignored. Everyone has hobbies, but I don't. Staying cooped up at home, with nothing to do but read, play games, and listen to your parents telling you to find a job when you've been actively searching and applying and nothing comes out of it... You can only take so much. I don't even care about reading or playing games. I wish I could just sleep all day long; sleep through everything. But I don't even sleep much anymore. Thinking ahead to the future is no better. I'm fucking horrified and feeling super unprepared for university, but it's too late to back out now. "Experiencing new things" (i.e., uni is no comfort). There is nothing comforting anymore. I can't stand happy things because I just can't connect and feel any kind of warmth out of them. I can't meet new people; letting people in is too much of a risk now. I don't want myself getting close to someone (because I know it wouldn't be the other way around) because that just leads to more pain. I'm so fucked up. Why can I can't feel good, for just a few moments, for once?

I can't handle this.

I want out, guys. I just don't know how to do it.

I'm sorry I complain so much... I'll just stop. It's not helping anyone.

 

[freddy]

It took me a long time to realise I had a problem, then it took me a long time to let someone else know I had a problem. After another long time I went to see a therapist because It was do that or be put under observation. It was there I discovered Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and decided I'd rather try that than be in a mental hospital.

The problem was these books were so hard for my brain to process. I'd open the page and they would start with all these medical references and publication ramblings. Then when the book finally started they would mostly take the form of medical journals with tiny writing bunched together the same as the textbooks in school I had difficulty processing. It was exhausting me just reading them and the message was lost in a sea of language I could never relate to.

So I started taking notes. But it was all hard work and of little benefit. One day I went to a garage sale/home sale and I saw a kilt that was the same colour as my family colours. Just a coincidence maybe but then I saw a tiny book by a woman whose last name was the same as mine. I opened it up and it was full of little quotes about how to get by in life. Some of those things were exactly the same as in the CBT journals I'd been reading. But here a few sentences were given a whole empty page to themselves. As I flipped the pages I felt the importance each quote was given and felt the words sinking in. As I paid for the book the lady told me her mother had written it and she didn't need it any more but she thought I should keep it by the bed and read as many pages as I needed in the morning until I felt like getting up. I still read it today.

If you have trouble relating to something, try it from a different angle.

I'm sorry I complain so much... I'll just stop. It's not helping anyone.

Just knowing there are others out there going through the same things was a huge help to me previously.

I started my blog. My voice is stupid. Arghhhh

Blogs aren't my thing but I downloaded your short story because I liked the name. I'll probably find time to read it in the next few days.

 

[Xzeon]

I can't do this anymore...



Hey I saw your thread, you can PM me if you want to talk, I'll listen.

u can pm me if u want, idc

 

[Daingurse]

Everyone but me has friends. Everyone but me is going out with those friends and having a good time. Everyone else has forgotten I exist, and when I try to make contact, I'm more or less ignored. Everyone has hobbies, but I don't. Staying cooped up at home, with nothing to do but read, play games, and listen to your parents telling you to find a job when you've been actively searching and applying and nothing comes out of it... You can only take so much. I don't even care about reading or playing games. I wish I could just sleep all day long; sleep through everything. But I don't even sleep much anymore. Thinking ahead to the future is no better. I'm fucking horrified and feeling super unprepared for university, but it's too late to back out now. "Experiencing new things" (i.e., uni is no comfort). There is nothing comforting anymore. I can't stand happy things because I just can't connect and feel any kind of warmth out of them. I can't meet new people; letting people in is too much of a risk now. I don't want myself getting close to someone (because I know it wouldn't be the other way around) because that just leads to more pain. I'm so fucked up. Why can I can't feel good, for just a few moments, for once?

I can't handle this.

I want out, guys. I just don't know how to do it.

I'm sorry I complain so much... I'll just stop. It's not helping anyone.

I have no friends Wingham! It sucks and it's painful, but you are never alone. This thread is always here, the chat is there with tons of nice people in it. I know how painful isolation can be, really I do, but this pain will pass, the crisis will end. We cannot change things in death, as long as we live the potential for improvement is there. Don't feel sorry for airing your grievances, you can always send me a PM man and I'll reply, anytime.

 

[ClassyPenguin]

I got my Bagels-gram today.

Much thanks.

 

[jb1234]

Hope you get better soon Fic, and get a good rest tonight.

I finally entered that strange world that you guys call Mumble, and it was really fun listening to all of you. I'd love to be able to talk to you one of these days, but my English isn't good, and you'll probably laugh at my terrible pronunciation

Nah, we love cool accents. Like Swe's!

 

[Prax]

A thing I wrote on tumblr today:

Dear Diary,

yesterday i had a coworker who was many years younger than me tell me that i should do better for myself and achieve my potentials and become more confident in my skills after hearing about my academic history and artistic ambitions and things i have done because i guess i did a lot in the past and like omgggg

i just wanted to run away and never tell anyone anything about me again because i can’t handle lofty expectations because my self-confidence is an elusive mistress who loves having three-way affairs with insecurity and procrastination

i mean it’s sexy and all but like i want to see some grandchildren named success and self-actualization too someday

I am good at metaphor. lol

I think I use humour and flippancy to soothe my anxieties, and for the most part, it helps. I feel it puts everything into a more manageable perspective for me.
HOWEVER, I have been called out on it by people who were my supervisors or superiors and it made me feel like doing it was wrong so I became all scared and tried not to use humour and lightheartedness at all and tried to be all SERIOUS and SELF-ASSURED and that made me feel even worse and more fraudulent! I don't blame them or begrudge them for trying to help me, but I guess it just wasn't for me at that time.

I am back to being humour-filled, a little self-deprecating, and flippant, and I feel much happier. So, I don't know what the lesson is. I mean, they were my superiors and were successful or something, and I am not there, but.. *shrug???*

Maybe the lesson is that everyone has a different way to cope and nothing is a one-fits-all solution to giving a person happiness or inner peace.
The advice and help you get from others might not work for you. Or it might not work for you at the moment and will later when you're in a different place in life. So try what you can, test your waters, and learn about what helps you cope and what helps you be happy and also what helps you become who you want to be.

Thank you! I'm glad I posted now, too. It's made me feel quite positive tonight (I find night time is worse than the day. When I'm just alone with my thoughts. Does anyone else feel like that?) While my low self-esteem and anxiety has always been something I was aware of, I never allowed myself to realize I have depression until it started to get worse. It's hard to admit that to yourself, never mind talk to other people about it.

It was hard work getting myself to the point where I threw caution to the wind and started my comic! A big reason I finally decided I had to was my impending 30th birthday. I started to think about how, after a certain point, I had just let go of that dream. And even though I guess by some standards I actually did accomplish a lot in my 20s, I wasn't really anywhere close to my ideal career. The thought that I allowed my low self-esteem and anxiety to rule over me so long and drive that dream out of me is sort of crushing, but at least now that I recognize these things as a fixable problem I can finally get through this (I'm in quite a positive mood tonight! This is a bit unusual.)

I am also working on a few game projects (one of which is actually related to the comic) off and on, but the comic is my main drive right now. I am putting most of my drawing/research time into it.

I really hope you'll start on your own project. I know how it is to never get these things off the ground. But it's been liberating for me and something to hold on to.

Since I specialized in psychology during my undergrad, I grew ever more aware that my anxiety was going to be my downfall into depression one day and I was just waiting for the day when I would hit the wall. XD Oh if only I could have proved myself wrong~ I feel a lot better about that now though, and have made some progress on the whole anxiety thing. So little steps at a time works!

Oh yeah, I still need to throw caution to the wind too. I'm working on it! And maybe I have too many dreams and ambitions and not enough focus lol.
This is the major project I'm working on but never get to.. partially because collab projects are very hard to organize:

I do most of the script, layouts, drafts/pencils--and will be doing the text.
My cousin does the inking and colours.
This stuff is like almost 20 years of brainstorming and collab fun being put together finally!

And this is my side project I wanted to do since the other project got stalled...

Lighter-hearted fantasy adventure that doesn't have as much baggage!

But then I got stalled on that (because university x depression intersected lol), so then I started a SIDE side project..

omg let's just make superheroes and insert them into a fan universe and have fun and not stress about anything

The last side side project blew up in responsibility and bigness though.. sooooo... I have been flip-flopping with that too! LOL

Such is my life~!

BUT ONE DAY SOMETHING WILL COME OF IT ALL I HAVE HOPE!
So good luck to you, me, and everyone else trying to find their creative ways and on self-actualizing one day!

I lurve you, Prax. Thank you. <3

Aw man, you're welcome. I lurve you too!
Ahh.. and remember to roll with the bad and revel in the good!

One way of thinking about it when you go on a writing spree about your worries and yourself is that when you get all the negative stuff down, you can tell yourself "okay, I wrote it down so that thought is done with and I don't have to be fixated on it anymore."
You can also go over it and physically start trying to redirect your thoughts by rewriting or commenting on it. Pretend you're reading something a friend wrote and engage with yourself.
If you told yourself you're pathetic, rewrite something else, like "you're feeling sad".
If you wrote that you wanted to beat yourself up, maybe write "you want to feel healed".
If you tell yourself you want to perish, maybe think "I want to live free of this abuse".

I know that there have been times when I'm glancing at myself in a mirror and remember something I did that made me embarrassed or ashamed, I would whisper or secretly voice in my head "I hate you". For a while, I just let it go on and drag me down, but I realized that wasn't right. That was mean and abusive (I would not treat a friend like that or even a stranger like that!), so I decided that redirecting my words would be better. Now when I catch myself doing that (because it still happens), I remind myself to say instead "I love you". In my head or in a whisper. And honestly, it feels so much better.

Even if you don't believe it at first, just practising with engaging with yourself in a more constructive and affirming way can help a lot.

My dad just said I have to "stop that thing now" (therapy), while my mom said I'm wasting my life and that I need a job (okay, yeah but it's really hard to find anything) and a girlfriend (like that's ever gonna happen). Yay for understanding!

Spoiler

/sarcasm

Parents are not always the most understanding or helpful. Try to endure. They probably mean well, but you need to just focus on what you can do yourself and what's best for you.
Sometimes that will mean that your parents will accuse you of being self-centered or naive or not listening or whatever else... that's par for the course. They will endure. And you will endure. Best of luck with it all! University will be alright if you develop good study habits (or are naturally awesome at procrasticramming).. and if you are stuck, just bug people (classmates and TAs). It's okay!

Whatever happens, things will work out and you will endure some how some way.

Even if you feel you can't handle it and it's all crazy and you might explode, take a deep breath and tell yourself "and yet it'll all somehow work out". Just do it one little step at a time and take breaks as needed.

Well an opportunity seems to have presented itself for me and I'm going to take it. My step-dad thinks I would probably be competent enough in his company's IT department, despite me having no such certification. He's an employer and I am fairly skilled with computers and it sounds like the position has on the job training that will teach me everything I need to know. He thinks I have the necessary proficiencies and competence to do it. I've honestly been drifting very badly in life, I have been struggling greatly in community college, wandering aimlessly really. I think I'd much rather work, be able to contribute to my family financially and possibly build my own life.

This is definitely a privilege, I am very aware of that, and I see no reason to not accept it. Honestly I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders in a way, I have been completely stagnant for years making no discernible progress in life. I just want to make some visible progress in life and be somewhat self-sufficient, less of a burden. This day was feeling fairly mediocre, but I would be lying if I didn't say I feel a sense of relief at this moment. I'm not sure what all needs to be done, or even exactly what I'll be doing, but I don't care. I'll adapt and manage somehow. School has felt like a complete dead end for me because the desire was not there, I wasn't going to class because I wanted to, but because I was told to and with my student loans it felt like I needed to stay in class to delay payments. I felt completely stuck. I hope maybe I can return with actual motivation later down the line, but I'd honestly rather be making money instead of stacking up more debt . . .

Ooh, that does sound awesome!
Try it out and see how it goes. It sounds like it could suit you well and you sound so forward-looking about it. It's great!
Hope it does work out for you!

So we have our first takers for the traveling mental health GAF notebooks! I don't know if it's a dumb idea or whatever, but if you want in, say so!

One notebook (Euro edition) is traveling to FillerB. The NA version is starting with Lionheart1827. I think Swecide has dibs on the Euro notebook next, but the NA one will be up for grabs. We might set up a google doc for people to list their names if they want to receive a notebook at some point. And, because there is some interest from non-European and non-NA people, I might start a third globetrotting edition. Postage there might be a little higher, but they're small notebooks, so it still shouldn't be much.

Ooh yeah, put me on the list! I will try to add cool things in there!
It's such a cool idea, bagels! You are so cool~! <3 <3

I should probably call this psychologist that's under my insurance but I'm scared she'll treat me differently because I have insurance and not technically paying full price. Also the fact I have to call when I already have a fear of talking on the phone. It's a daunting task technically but mostly I'm just scared she'll just treat me bad...

Still feeling suicidal today though...

Build up that motivation! I put off the phone thing on Monday.. but perhaps today is the day~ Since it's a "free" day for me technically and I am running out of excuses.. even though it's 6am now and maybe I will wake up late and.. Okay, but really. i should do my things too. xD

LET'S ALL GET SOME TEDIOUS BUT SCARY TASKS DONE TOGETHER.

I will phone and email to cancel some subscriptions and write some letters and go grocery shopping.
And you go call that psychologist up and figure out about the appointment stuff and no matter what happens "oh well, you tried!'.

I've been wanting to post here for a while but I can never really come up with anything to say. I kinda feel silly knowing how many times I've clicked 'post reply' for this thread but ended up not posting anything.

Sigh. I look back a year ago and back then I would have been able to push past my feelings. And when I started feeling depressed I guess you could say I was in denial; I figured that maybe I was just going through a phase in life and that it would pass over eventually. But here I am months later and these days I just don't have it in me to push myself forward in life anymore. Just so much negativity/things I hate about my life and I feel like I've warped into a bitter person because of it. The worst part of it all is knowing what I need to do to fix things in life but just not having the energy or willpower to do so.

Sometimes I wish I could just take my brain out of my head and kick it around or something. Need a way to clear my thoughts out.

I think it happens to a lot of us! I always want to say things and then procrastinate because I make up reasons to not to.
But you found the motivation and energy and will to do it now. So, good! Put that down as a positive point on your side.

Finding that energy and motivation can be very hard. Try to do small tasks and chores to build up momentum. Even if it's mailing something out, cleaning your room, making a phone call (for therapy maybe?) etc. It might be slow going and sometimes the only solution IS to ride it out for a while until you can catch a break in your brain waves and do what you actually want and need to do.

As for clearing thoughts, learning relaxation techniques (breathing exercises), talking walks, or just doing something mindless/watching something mindless (and hopefully fun) to wash your brain out. And then hopefully in that oment of zen.. go do something you want or need to!

welp, you were the only one to acknowledge me so, hi.

i tried one pill of Clonazepam and it made me sick and shaky all day, im not taking any more of that shit.

it makes me afraid to try other meds.

i just lay in bed and do nothing all day.

you got a problem with MLP? most people do, but Pacific Rim was great and everyone should go see it.

so uh, yeah whatever, i guess ill hang around here, maybe, i dunno.

place seems crowded, didnt know so many Gaffers were depressed.

Not the only one to respond~ It just takes time sometimes~!

Are you sure it's the medication that made you feel sick and not something else? Or maybe another med will work better for you. Not all of them have the same side effects. Just tell your doctor about it and they can hopefully adjust it or suggest something better?

Try to find the motivation to get up and about (or even just start thinking about it). Build up some momentum to make things happen. It doesn't have to be much as long as you build up. And then reward yourself after reaching a new milestone or tier of activity. (Drawing and writing! Yeah!)

I don't really have anything against MLP. Did it sound like I did? lol I'm just not into it and MLP is just a little too mainstream for me. Haha~ I otherwise think it's cute and harmless (Rainbow Dash is my pony spirit).
Actually, here is a pony version of Solar Cat (me lol) that my friend drew for me!:

If it brings you joy in your life and it doesn't hurt you or others, then enjoy it! I know people can be haters (and some actually get off on rallying hate), but enjoy what you enjoy. We all have our own geekdoms we invest ourselves in. (Mine are like.. games and anime and comics and art and animals including furry stuff and occult/mysticism stuff and psychology and science~).
If the negativity gets to you, then avoid triggering your anxiety and do not indulge by reading negative stuff. Focus on the positive things you enjoy and to heck with the rest!

In your thread, it sounded like you wanted some kind of validation more than helpful advice. I am not sure asking "gaf at large" for mental health advice will be helpful for you since you will have a lot of things being tossed at you (some of them really dumb things?) instead of the focus that you need.