I hope we can get some discussion going here about what we might call The Relationship Fallacy. This is the idea that we would be completely fixed if we could just form the one perfect relationship. It’s never stated in these terms by the people actually falling into this trap, but it’s not hard to see from the outside. It’s often expressed in terms of the desire for romantic relationships, but close friendships also come up (as do friendships that people wish they could turn into romantic relationships).
This is overwhelmingly the most common issue bringing new people into the IRC channel and accounts for a good number of posts here in the thread, too. I’m under no illusion that this post is going to immediately help anyone laboring under the relationship fallacy, but I really hope we can have more people chime in and maybe, just maybe, get people to rethink how they are going about the search for meaningful connections.
What makes the relationship fallacy so hard to shake is that, basically, it’s kind of true - for many of us (myself included), relationships are among the most important, fulfilling, affirming, mood-boosting parts of our lives. I’ll own up to my own outsized need to be liked. The problem comes about when 1) we fail to acknowledge how difficult, painful, and draining even the best relationships invariably are at times, and 2) we start thinking that all meaning, validation, and sense of worth, or even our sense of self, will only come from other people.
It seems like a singularly unhelpful cliche, but you need to figure out how to make yourself happy. There are all sorts of reasons, but so far as relationships are concerned, it’s fundamentally ridiculous to think that anyone is going to like you if not even <i>you</i> like you. You project your sense of self worth and I guarantee that even the saddest, most depressed, even the most empathetic people here are really, really sick of that person they know on Facebook or Twitter who posts nothing but accounts of how miserable they are and how much they hate themselves. It’s incredibly tiring and it’s not going to attract anyone to you.
The other issue is that, even if you do find someone who will tell you how pretty/smart/desirable/amazing you are, if you aren’t happy with yourself, you’ll never believe it. We overestimate the ability of other people to change how we feel about ourselves. Then again, there are folks who do derive a lot of meaning and validation from intense relationships. The problem here is that, when these relationships end, or fail to provide everything we need, the consequences are catastrophic. It’s dangerous in general to let another person have complete control over our feelings. I’m shocked by the number of people from the community who are pining over really awful sounding exes, or who are upset about losing friends who were, when it comes right down to it, emotionally abusive. Stockholm syndrome is not a healthy part of any relationship.
It’s important to note that relationships really only work when the feelings and actions are reciprocated fairly equally. You’re never going to sign on to have someone just transfer a bulk shipment of their excess happiness to you. What you’re really saying is, “now I need to try to make TWO people happy.” If you can’t even make yourself happy, it’s ludicrous to think that it will somehow help to be responsible for additional people.
As great as relationships are, people who are close to us, by nature of that closeness, have enhanced abilities to hurt us. And disagreements, fights, and misunderstandings inevitably arise in relationships. Great relationships challenge us and make us grow, which is really only fun in retrospect. At the time, it can be a real pain in the ass. We tend to imagine Hollywood, happy-ever-after-style, relationships, not the messier (but potentially more satisfying) human interactions we’ll actually get. And if you’re pining away for a magical relationship that will cure your mental health issues, you’re going to be let down, and probably fuck up, any real relationships you do form.
It all reminds me a lot of the idea of being “friendzoned,” which I’ve come to see for the truly fucked up concept that it is. The issue here is that when we are looking for the supreme relationship that will save us, then every relationship must be that thing. It’s not enough to have a close female friend, we have to go out (or, at the very least, sleep with each other - or rather, "she needs to sleep with me"). People who are trapped in the relationship fallacy end up doing this fucked up thing where they feel that they are somehow owed something from any relationships they do form. Without meaning to, they end up demanding that people regard them in a certain way (again, often involving romantic feelings), which is just incredibly toxic.
There’s plenty more to discuss, but I’ve rambled more than enough already. I’m starting to compose a part 2 in my head, that will address the inevitable question of how, then, one goes about forming healthy relationships. I hope other people will offer their own advice, as it’s all going to be somewhat personal and idiosyncratic.
