Mental Health |OT| Depression & Co.

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Sigh, I feel like I'm regressing.

I've been pretty busy working on getting a condo and I would say I'm halfway through the process right now. I was feeling pretty great for the past 3 weeks or so due to this, but this weekend, I dont know what set it off, but I started thinking of my ex again. Spiraled down into shit the past two days. Its been a little over 2 months since she left me.

I'm really not sure what brought it on, though I have an idea. I think it has something to do with it being a year ago to this day that we went on a quick vacation and having an awesome time, only for me to find out a week later that I had cancer. All of the emotions and heartbreak, and fucking utter fear I went through as well as vulnerability, knowing she was there through all of it, only to leave me just when I was finally getting back on my feet absolutely crushes me.

What is so horrible about me that somebody could do something like that to someone?

I'm trying not to sound like a broken record, but I hate when I get completely down on myself like this, because there are worse things to be upset about. You put so much trust into somebody, they see you at your most vulnerable, and you put your heart into it, only to get it crushed in the end. Everyone told me(even her) that 2013 was going to be a great year, but it doesnt feel like that to me. I'm just tired of being tortured by all of the memories.

Sorry for complaining about things that should probably be in Dating-Age, but fuck if I just want to be happy this year for a good amount of time.
 
Lionheart1827 said:
What is so horrible about me that somebody could do something like that to someone?.
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It's not about you being horrible. It's about what you went through. Couples split up after times of stress. The good sign is she stuck with you through the shit and didn't leave until you were on your feet. That shows you're far from horrible.
 
FillerB suggested that we set up a twitter for the community, to announce chat events, highlight great posts, announce art weeks, etc. You can follow it @depressionGAF. That should help us coordinate activities around here and call attention to really valuable posts. A little team of us will have access, so it won't be all me. :P
 
Sister went off to college. Proud of her, buttttt I was home alone all weekend with no one around but my thoughts
and dog!

Any of y'all ever get the feeling you just want to do something great but don't know where to begin?
 
Cameron122 said:
Sister went off to college. Proud of her, buttttt I was home alone all weekend with no one around but my thoughts
and dog!

Any of y'all ever get the feeling you just want to do something great but don't know where to begin?
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All the time. This whole summer.
 
CornBurrito said:
What is DBT?



Eh? Examples?
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Well, CBT is also used for sleeping issues and for body image issues. Since it deals with behavior modification, it can be a tool for weight-loss, especially in obese patients.

Also, because I re-watched Atonement:
tumblr_mq3tk0PU6v1reifajo1_500.gif
 
CornBurrito said:
No I know that. I mean, I've never seen the fitness community being against its use.
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Oh, well they use it to an extent but broadly, taking the away a lot of the mechanics, the call-and-response you get with a therapist and focusing on little soundbites. I think I may have posted something about in some of the obesity threads only to be dismissed.

That's just conjecture, though. I may be wrong.
 
ClassyPenguin said:
Oh, well they use it to an extent but broadly, taking the away a lot of the mechanics, the call-and-response you get with a therapist and focusing on little soundbites. I think I may have posted something about in some of the obesity threads only to be dismissed.
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Doesn't it all relate back to the science of willpower and delayed gratification? Marshmallow test et al?
 
Cameron122 said:
Sister went off to college. Proud of her, buttttt I was home alone all weekend with no one around but my thoughts
and dog!

Any of y'all ever get the feeling you just want to do something great but don't know where to begin?
Click to expand...

My entire life summed up in a sentence.
 
Cameron122 said:
Any of y'all ever get the feeling you just want to do something great but don't know where to begin?
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I tend to feel less "don't know where to begin" and more "don't know what to start with". Like, I'll go all "I need to do this first.... but should I do this before that? What about this? I should plan where this leads to first..." and so on. A sort of bouncing around.

I know that I really enjoy putting together the plans and ideas, less so the execution. (My boyfriend calls me plannerbunny.) I think I need to set deadlines and moratoriums on myself in order to actually get anything done. I know I work better with constraints; I wrote a lot, and fairly well, in college because I had to. Once I didn't, it stopped.

Fudgepuppy: I just got a drumkit this weekend. Ludwig Accent. First kit since moving, haven't played a real kit in probably over a year. Hoping to start getting a group together, try to get back into the having-a-band thing. This your first kit, or have you been behind the skins before? Any ideas on what kit you'd pick up?
 
Cameron122 said:
Sister went off to college. Proud of her, buttttt I was home alone all weekend with no one around but my thoughts
and dog!

Any of y'all ever get the feeling you just want to do something great but don't know where to begin?
Click to expand...

Very much so, though I'm starting to feel that my path is getting more clear by the day.
 
Cameron122 said:
Sister went off to college. Proud of her, buttttt I was home alone all weekend with no one around but my thoughts
and dog!

Any of y'all ever get the feeling you just want to do something great but don't know where to begin?
Click to expand...

This.

I don't know what I want to do in my life, there is nothing out there that interest me in the slightest. I have no job, no goal...............absolutely nothing. Well I only have college but I feel like its going to be a waste of time because I have no determination nor the motivation to gain knowledge that I need for an internship. I feel like the problems I've been having is all in my head because if you think about the negatives instead of the positives, then it won't lead you to anywhere in life. Or making your life better.
 
Xun said:
My life is really started to get more clouded, and I feel like I'm starting to completely lose the old me. My ambitions, my dreams, my youth is all but fading away. I've felt like this the past few years, but it's getting worse.

I have little to look forward to. I wish my week away to get to the weekend, and I regret not doing anything productive when the weekend is up (like now). It's a constant cycle, and at 23 I didn't imagine my life to be like this.

I feel invisible, lonely, unwanted and in general a complete mess. Things are meant to get better, but they've only gotten worse. I hoped having a job (albeit one I don't want) would at least make me happier, but I was honestly happier unemployed.

I know it could all change, but the thought of living the life I want to live seems impossible. Traveling the world, being in relationships, having a dream job, it all seems unattainable.

Anyway I'm sorry for stopping by once in a blue moon and posting, but I really can't take it anymore.
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Hey Xun, we're in very similar situations. I know we've talked about your wanting to have a big trip to the states, that's essentially what my trip to Europe was for me. By was for me, I mean I was having the same thoughts you're having now. I had seriously planned on going for about a year and kept that as my short term (though long term for me, that far in advance) goal. It'll make certain other things come easier. I'm around if you want to talk things over man!

ChiQ had some great advice as well.
Cameron122 said:
Sister went off to college. Proud of her, buttttt I was home alone all weekend with no one around but my thoughts
and dog!
Any of y'all ever get the feeling you just want to do something great but don't know where to begin?
Click to expand...
Every single day. I'm getting to a point now where I think I'm gaining confidence in myself, or perhaps apathy disguised in the veil of false confidence, to actually start doing things.

I just got home from a documentary on Ray Harryhausen, probably the greatest stop motion animator in film ever. It was excellent and I had forgotten just how many of his movies I saw as a little kid. Afterwards my dad tells me that most of the producers and people like that were Hungarian, it was a big cultural thing over in Hungary. Apparently my dad's aunt worked in the studio back home and he would go there and see everyone working on the little figures and everything, so cool.

It reignited my dream from a while back to work at an effects shop. I'd love to physically create things and make my imagination come to life. The only outlet I've had for that sort of thing so far in life has been photography, but I started to lose interest by not being able to develop my own film and work in a dark room anymore.

Rambling over, I hope you guys are doing well this evening.
 
Sitting here looking for part time jobs and internships. Hopefully, I'll be able to do one of each at the same time.

Tired of my current situation with my family and everything. I have to change this, and it's clear I'm not going to get much help at home. Thankfully, I have this thread and one friend to push me and help affirm in some way that I don't suck.
 
Hey guys. Bit of a lurker, first time poster. Just a little bit about myself, which I guess is the best way to start.

Two years ago, I lost my father and not long before that, I lost my half brother. I've had tremendous support from friends and family and I'm incredibly thankful for them. For months after, I obsessed over the final moments I was with my dad. I wasn't exactly the most outgoing guy before, but I definitely retreated far more after this stuff. I definitely bottled a lot up, pretending to be ok during the day and then just crashing at night time.

I think to help give me something to focus on, a friend recommended some night time Microsoft programming courses for me to attend and I think they definitely did help and made me somewhat hopeful for the future again.

I've had serious problems with self hatred too. I feel like I always have a voice in my head, constantly reminding me of every bad decision I've made, why people won't like me and just about anything and everything else you can think of. Even when I'm with friends, who are practically family and who I know are truly my best friends, I just feel like I don't deserve being in their company.

Now skipping forward to this past year or so and yet again, this is something I guess I've always had to a mild amount before, I've been extremely anxious about nearly everything and anything. The idea of driving somewhere I haven't been before, will keep me up the night before. Asking friends to leave, if I'm wanting an early night, will nearly send me into a cold sweat. I feel like I've just been living constantly in fear. Though it really came to head, when I recently done some work experience at a computer store and my anxiety began having a serious effect on my physical health. Making simple mistakes or dealing with public was giving me palpitations, I began getting acid reflux very often and I've been grinding my teeth.

Well. I decided to finally do something, I'd questioned doing for a long time. I went to the doctors and they swiftly ruled out any physical problems with my heart. Afterwards, I spoke with my GP and I think it's assumed it's an Anxiety disorder. Medication was briefly discussed, but I think we both agreed other forms of help me better. So I've contacted a service she referred me to and I'm waiting to hear back from them, about when I start seeing someone.



Well, thanks for taking the time to read my sob story. I just want to take the time to thank you guys. This thread is an inspiration, just seeing people so eager to help each other and the fantastic OP filled with useful information. I'm also thankful for the Indie Development thread, which I've been lurking and have recently begun posting in too. I've begun programming simple games and hope to move on to bigger projects, which is giving me some happiness and given me hope for the future again.
 
Hi haikira, thanks for posting! After reading your post I can say you've already made the most important step: seeing a professional. I'd like to add that if things don't jive between you and him/her, don't waste your time. Find another one.

Also, it's not a sob-story at all. You came to the right place. Your self-loathing may be a very nasty thing but I can assure you a truckload of people have it. In this thread, other threads, everywhere. I have it. But in time you'll make it go away. Try not to be too hard on yourself. But don't be disappointed if you still are. We're probably talking about a habit you've had all your life. It takes more than just 'flipping a switch' to stop that.

Keep coming back!
 
I read this today.


http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/35-pieces-of-advice-from-a-100-year-old/

25. You will one day realize you spent too much time worrying about nothing.
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When I think back all those years to the time where the only thing keeping me alive was that I didn't trust anyone to look after my little kitty properly and the years surrounding that time, I can't believe the stress I put myself under worrying about things that don't even matter today. I literally piled massive amounts of shame and ridicule on myself for things I thought I should be doing that I'm so glad I never got around to.
 
Hop said:
Fudgepuppy: I just got a drumkit this weekend. Ludwig Accent. First kit since moving, haven't played a real kit in probably over a year. Hoping to start getting a group together, try to get back into the having-a-band thing. This your first kit, or have you been behind the skins before? Any ideas on what kit you'd pick up?
Click to expand...

I was planning on getting a Yamaha DTX430K-kit. It's my first kit but I've been playing Rock Band for a couple of years so I've noticed recently that I can listen to a song and pretty easily get the beat. I'm going to try the kit this wednesday to see if drumming is what I really want, but right now, it seems like the best thing I could invest myself in.

It's going to be fun to focus on something that I can feel pride in getting better at, compared to everything else I'm pretty good at.
 
I'm absolutely furious since I've had to retype everything out again. I spent a fucking hour writing it. A fucking hour wasted. Fucking computers.

chiQ said:
I hear you. The difference is I'm a 40-something, fresh out of a divorce I didn't want and a run of deaths in the family. I reckon you have more to look forward to than me and I find your post a little self-indulgent, but instead of giving you a verbal kick in the fork I'll give you a few tips:

- Get clinical help.

- Make a point of setting up a good, healthy menu for at least one of your daily meals, and stick to it so you are never lethargy starving. Maybe freezing portions and getting microwave steamer bags for vegetables, or perhaps taking a cooking class and trying to turn it into a hobby.

- Look for a job you like. Just a job is not enough, but it will do for now.

- Keep your home well-lit in the evenings, unless you need an early night, in which case do the opposite.

- Get at least 20 minutes of exercise a day. It needn't be running or a gym visit. Just walk, or do crunches and squats in front of the TV, if you like.

- Initiate social interaction more, even if it's just chatting to someone in a queue here or making conversation in a lift there.

Once you have the basics down then start making plans and getting ambitious. No decent ambitions will seem plausible until you are in a condition to attack them, and the way you view your world you are not in good enough shape to do so.
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I didn't mean to offend in anyway, so I'm sorry if it came across like that. I realise I have my life ahead of me, but my brain tells me otherwise.

My job requires me to deliver to companies across the TV industry in London, so I certainly get a lot of exercise since I walk for at least 8 hours a day whilst carrying packages. I aim to go further by toning up, but it's the last thing I want to do when I get home from being on my feet all day. If I'm not too shattered I try and work on my art/animation portfolio, or music for the band. With social interaction I'm essentially forced into it with my job, which is a plus. My friends have said I've gotten more confident at speaking, but I still struggle to initiate conversation with strangers. This is a problem since I wish to make new friends, broaden my circles further, and potentially go on dates. It's rare but if I ever get a look from a girl my anxiety just kicks in and stops me from doing anything.

I've been applying to a lot of companies, and I hoped my new animation showreel would help but it hasn't. I applied to a junior/graduate animation position for a company I've tried to get into for a while now, but I didn't hear anything back. I looked into the people they hired, and without sounding too bigheaded their work isn't anything special. I just wish to break out of the current routine of my life and kickstart my career, but things are in the way of me doing that. It's upsetting. I just feel stuck in my current job, and I'm desperately trying to change that.

Anyway thanks for the advice! It means a lot to me.

AcridMeat said:
Hey Xun, we're in very similar situations. I know we've talked about your wanting to have a big trip to the states, that's essentially what my trip to Europe was for me. By was for me, I mean I was having the same thoughts you're having now. I had seriously planned on going for about a year and kept that as my short term (though long term for me, that far in advance) goal. It'll make certain other things come easier. I'm around if you want to talk things over man!

ChiQ had some great advice as well.
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It's still something I plan to do in a few years, most definitely! I think it makes more sense to do it when I'm potentially freelancing however, so it'll have to be in a few years, sadly.

Also same back at you! I'm always up for a chat man.

AcridMeat said:
Every single day. I'm getting to a point now where I think I'm gaining confidence in myself, or perhaps apathy disguised in the veil of false confidence, to actually start doing things.

I just got home from a documentary on Ray Harryhausen, probably the greatest stop motion animator in film ever. It was excellent and I had forgotten just how many of his movies I saw as a little kid. Afterwards my dad tells me that most of the producers and people like that were Hungarian, it was a big cultural thing over in Hungary. Apparently my dad's aunt worked in the studio back home and he would go there and see everyone working on the little figures and everything, so cool.

It reignited my dream from a while back to work at an effects shop. I'd love to physically create things and make my imagination come to life. The only outlet I've had for that sort of thing so far in life has been photography, but I started to lose interest by not being able to develop my own film and work in a dark room anymore.

Rambling over, I hope you guys are doing well this evening.
Click to expand...
I'm glad to hear you're getting more confident man, I thought you certainly seemed confident when we met! Even false confidence can turn into real confidence, and I found that a few years back.

Ray Harryhausen was absolutely fantastic, and a huge inspiration. What was the documentary called again? I'll have to check it out!

Anyway here's a tune for people to listen to from one of my favourite musicians:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eVq789nmETU

It's hauntingly beautiful.
 
Colin. said:
It really isn't as simple as you're making it out to be. It's like telling someone that is depressed to "just feel happy and you will be". Having low self esteem can be a pretty common one for those with depression, which goes hand in hand with confidence. And people will have varied and valid reasons for feeling that way. It isn't just a feeling that comes from nowhere. With your feelings, there is almost always a source, especially long term one's like this. The only way to truly improve on your self confidence is by breaking down the key reasons that give you those feelings, and to address them properly. Pretending something is true when it isn't is not the answer, that's living a lie.
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Confidence and self-esteem are not directly related. Take a look at many celebrities who are super confident but have low self-esteem. Here's a quote from Demi Moore for example: "What scares me is that I'm going to ultimately find out at the end of my life that I'm really not lovable, that I'm not worthy of being loved. That there's something fundamentally wrong with me...and that I wasn't wanted here in the first place,".

Colin. said:
The only way to truly improve on your self confidence is by breaking down the key reasons that give you those feelings, and to address them properly. Pretending something is true when it isn't is not the answer, that's living a lie.
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Except that people that think they are not worth as much as others are the ones that are living a lie. We all have our abilities and we all have things that we wish we were better at. So why shouldn't we all be confident? The truth is, those so called "key reasons" aren't key at all. Those are just things that you happen to believe or choose to believe(and they may be distorted/exaggerated by a mental illness).

Low confidence is a cycle which feeds on itself. You feel low confidence so you behave with low confidence which makes you feel low confidence. You can break that cycle by behaving with confidence(e.g. improving skills, speaking clearly, standing tall), or you can break it simply by feeling confident. Either way works, or you can do both. But the simple option of just feeling confident is always available if you want to take it. I won't say it's super easy, but it is simple and the easiest way. You just need to build it up progressively.

Xun said:
I certainly get a lot of exercise since I walk for at least 8 hours a day whilst carrying packages.

With social interaction I'm essentially forced into it with my job, which is a plus.

I still struggle to initiate conversation with strangers but my friends have said I've gotten more confident at speaking,
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Glad to hear some things are going well for you. You should put effort into thinking in a more positive way and use some positive self-talk. Maybe try some affirmations or something.
 
My exam is in about 12 hours. I am scared shitless and freaking out. What if I fail terribly and miss my chance to get the mark I want/need? Oh god. I hate math.
 
Windam said:
My exam is in about 12 hours. I am scared shitless and freaking out. What if I fail terribly and miss my chance to get the mark I want/need? Oh god. I hate math.
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You have said this to me about 10 times about various things, including getting into any university, and you're about... 3 weeks away from starting school at a great University. Despite your reservations and being scared. That means you can do it. And you will do it. Now go, try not to shit your pants and nail it.
 
Lonely1 said:
What is your exam about?
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Math. More specifically, the final exam for grade 12 Advanced Functions (Ontario 12th grade math). I was apathetic towards the course when I was doing it with school and ended up with a 50. Redoing it to improve my mark and to at least be somewhat prepared for university.
 
Xun said:
It's still something I plan to do in a few years, most definitely! I think it makes more sense to do it when I'm potentially freelancing however, so it'll have to be in a few years, sadly.

Also same back at you! I'm always up for a chat man.

I'm glad to hear you're getting more confident man, I thought you certainly seemed confident when we met! Even false confidence can turn into real confidence, and I found that a few years back.

Ray Harryhausen was absolutely fantastic, and a huge inspiration. What was the documentary called again? I'll have to check it out!
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Cheers, here's hoping for the best!

It's called Ray Harryhausen: Special Effects Titan. A ton of directors and effects artists are in it, and it's really great. They basically break down how he started and go year by year with his movies and what he brought to them. Well done and recommended. The guy had a unique drive to do that sort of work, it's incredible.

Cool song too.
 
Today at work a lady ordered 3 bagels to go and I immediately though "bagels family!" when handing them to her. ^_^
 
Windam said:
Math. More specifically, the final exam for grade 12 Advanced Functions (Ontario 12th grade math). I was apathetic towards the course when I was doing it with school and ended up with a 50. Redoing it to improve my mark and to at least be somewhat prepared for university.
Click to expand...

So, precalculus? Is probably too late to give you more useful advice, but the best you can do is to sleep well in preparation for the exam.
 
Windam said:
Math. More specifically, the final exam for grade 12 Advanced Functions (Ontario 12th grade math). I was apathetic towards the course when I was doing it with school and ended up with a 50. Redoing it to improve my mark and to at least be somewhat prepared for university.
Click to expand...

I think I recently took the same equivalent course in college and ended up with a C. I was fine for doing my homework, handing in assignments, but it was a "accelerated" course so the final test was worth a lot of the course mark and I completely blanked on some pretty involved questions. It's rough, but working on things a little bit everyday is what helped me build up to the point where I wasn't struggling with things too much.

You'll get it, one way or another. Sometimes, math is just one of those things you have to practice and put time into to really excel at. Kind of like programming.

I also have a habit of almost obsessively going over what I did wrong when I lost marks throughout the course length to keep from falling into bad habits.

Good luck!
 
Nithidis said:
You'll get it, one way or another. Sometimes, math is just one of those things you have to practice and put time into to really excel at. Kind of like programming.
Good luck!
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Is exactly like programming! We don't have the Curry-Howard isomorphism for nothing :). So, you are very right, the secret to be successful at math is to study a bit but constantly. There's no other way to them, really.
 
Lonely1 said:
Is exactly like programming! We don't have the Curry-Howard isomorphism for nothing :). So, you are very right, the secret to be successful at math is to study a bit but constantly. There's no other way to them, really.
Click to expand...

It's why mathmaticians name forumlas/theorums after thier surnames- to make up for not having time to have kidlets. Something to carry on their name. :D
 
Think I am going to give up group therapy and go back to individual counseling. Even though I am much, much better now than I was at the beginning of the year, the problems are still present and there... Group is good, but I am so timid and all that I try not to hog the floor with my problems.
 
I ran out of my Wellbutrin today and I won't have the cash to afford a refill on my prescription for a while. I'm worried about how it's going to affect my mood. This is the first day I've missed since I started my medication back in December.
 
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