Thanks, but how do I go about this without sounding awkward? I commute so I can't really ask her to go to my dorm and watch T.V. Any ideas?
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- Thread starter Minamu
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Thanks, but how do I go about this without sounding awkward? I commute so I can't really ask her to go to my dorm and watch T.V. Any ideas?
SquiddyCracker
Banned
Well, something related to your shared interests should do the trick.
For example, if she's a fan of action movies - suggest you two go watch one.
Nice. We both have the same major, so I'll think of something relating to that. Should I wait a few days, or go for it?
You do realize that you're trying to change him, right? How often does that work again? It's pretty clear that you aren't doing this out of the kindness in your heart so just beware that you're breaking a golden rule here.
As other people already suggested, you should try therapy. Lots of people mistake therapy as something meant to last for years, but especially in the last decade there have been plenty of new methods thought out for faster and more focused healing.
Behavioural therapy can take from one month to three months tops, and it's really effective. In psychological terms what you have is nothing more then a cold. I'm sure there are deeper and more serious issue lying behind the anxiety connected to dating and the bad experiences in high school, but these two specific issue are pretty basic and they can be dealt with extreme ease.
If the anxiety attacks happen also outside the dating context, I would suggest something more permanent. In the meantime, give it a shot: to use the word of the great Don Draper "you'll be surprised at how much it didn't happen".
Also, that doctor was a dick.
Ghost, your post on that virginity thread was pure gold. It would eureka a lot of minds in here. How about a crosspost?
Today was an amazing day for me GAF. I met a girl at the mall and she suggested we meet up for lunch tomorrow and I ran into an old elementary school friend and we scheduled to go out on a date on the 21st. Which also happens to be her birthday. I got that one in the bag lol. It's only one problem I have never been on a real date. I'm only 19 so usually we just start being together but this is the first time I'm gonna have to get to know another person over a date. Any tips?
jadedm17
Member
Offer to go shopping together is my favorite - much the same of "Hey lets workout together", but thats mainly because I love the input of the person I'm dating.
A more direct approach might not hurt but feel it out.
This is why I say to feel it out.
Of course, my experience differs, and with this particular subject namely : One of my best friends is clueless when it comes to fashion. Hes a great guy - sings in a band, athletic on a team, very personable - but just clueless when it comes to fashion. He'd like to change, and I've done what I can - as have our friends - and is open to input, but we can't tell him to not wear swim trunks every day.
I also don't know the context of this particular situation. Honestly I'm okay with changing little things I don't care about to please the one I'm with, especially when its bettering myself like eating healthier or wearing nicer clothing.
Listen. Dress nice. Listen. Do something fun, don't see a movie. Talk. Listen.
It seems silly to say, but just be yourself. Don't be afraid to Google for silly first date questions to ask during silences : You're trying to get to know each other, the crazier the better.
MacGurcules
Member
Feels bad, GAF. It's like three in the morning and I just got home from my girl's place. I was staying over but she was having a lot of trouble sleeping and I feel like it's kind of my fault. I've been recently sick, so apparently I was making a lot of noise in my sleep. She's too nice to ask me to leave, but I couldn't help but feel like she was annoyed by having me there, so I left. This is the first time that she's been upset with me in the three months we've been together.
I know it's nothing and I'm just over-feeling it because it's late and I'm sleepy and I can't talk to her directly about it right now. But I can't help but feel kind of rejected right now.
I know it's nothing and I'm just over-feeling it because it's late and I'm sleepy and I can't talk to her directly about it right now. But I can't help but feel kind of rejected right now.
I'm having lunch again with this girl tomorrow. There's a chance that one of her friends will tag along, but if not I think I'll finally admit that I like her/ask her out/whatever.
I just feel like telling her could ruin a potential friendship (and well... it would be embarrassing), but on the other hand, I don't think I could be her friend and harbour feelings for her at the same time. So I'm not sure what to do.
I just feel like telling her could ruin a potential friendship (and well... it would be embarrassing), but on the other hand, I don't think I could be her friend and harbour feelings for her at the same time. So I'm not sure what to do.
Don't tell her about your feelings. Act, don't preach.
If you want to avoid embarrassment, let it appear like she has feelings for you and you want to test this to be sure instead of the other way around.
Like how? Sorry for sounding so weird, but this is my first time attempting anything with a girl so I literally have no experience.
When I asked if she wanted to get lunch again, she said "that should be fine". Didn't sound very enthusiastic, but this was over text so maybe I'm reading too much into it.
I feel like I'm in highschool
If you tell her that you like her, you will let her decide everything. There is no more interaction or finding out and it forces her to kind of decide at that moment if she likes you or not.
While if you act interested but don't mention it, she might have the question running through her head, it keeps the uncertainty. It also forces you to convince her more of your intentions which is more interesting for her then just being told what you think: "i like you, please like me too".
From my own experience, I never got anything done with a girl by telling about my feelings unless I was totally certain she felt the same.
While if you act interested but don't mention it, she might have the question running through her head, it keeps the uncertainty. It also forces you to convince her more of your intentions which is more interesting for her then just being told what you think: "i like you, please like me too".
From my own experience, I never got anything done with a girl by telling about my feelings unless I was totally certain she felt the same.
stn
Member
@strata8
Didn't read all your posts so I might be missing something, but I think I get the issue. Generally I tell people not to divulge their feelings. You are much better off earning her affection through action. Be flirty, be confident, and ask her to go out on a date with just the two of you.
Ways to show interest:
-Direct eye contact
-Body language (ex. sit in as opposed to out)
-Light touching
-Make a flirty joke
-Show her you care about what she tells you
-When the night is done, make it clear you want to see her again alone.
Don't worry about making her feel uncomfortable. As long as you act like a gentleman and be confident, any discomfort is on her end. Stand by your confidence and don't be apologetic. Be very casual about things, such as the second date. For example: "I enjoyed our conversation today. I'd like to get to know you better over dinner. Shoot me a text with the times that work."
She'll get the hint if she already hasn't.
Didn't read all your posts so I might be missing something, but I think I get the issue. Generally I tell people not to divulge their feelings. You are much better off earning her affection through action. Be flirty, be confident, and ask her to go out on a date with just the two of you.
Ways to show interest:
-Direct eye contact
-Body language (ex. sit in as opposed to out)
-Light touching
-Make a flirty joke
-Show her you care about what she tells you
-When the night is done, make it clear you want to see her again alone.
Don't worry about making her feel uncomfortable. As long as you act like a gentleman and be confident, any discomfort is on her end. Stand by your confidence and don't be apologetic. Be very casual about things, such as the second date. For example: "I enjoyed our conversation today. I'd like to get to know you better over dinner. Shoot me a text with the times that work."
She'll get the hint if she already hasn't.
It's sound advice, but like I said I got absolutely no experience so I don't have the faintest idea of what flirting even involves. I'm cautious because I don't want to attempt to flirt, overshoot the boundaries, and ruin my chances.
edit: Just saw your edit. That's really helpful, and I'll give it a shot. Particularly the body language and eye contact... not sure about jokes or touching at this point.
edit2: Giving some context, I've talked alone with her for about 2 hours face-to-face already and maybe around 3 hours on Facebook. So we're already pretty well acquainted.
edit: Just saw your edit. That's really helpful, and I'll give it a shot. Particularly the body language and eye contact... not sure about jokes or touching at this point.
edit2: Giving some context, I've talked alone with her for about 2 hours face-to-face already and maybe around 3 hours on Facebook. So we're already pretty well acquainted.
stn
Member
Hmm. In that case, ask her questions about things that will lead to more conversation. You can, for example, compliment her earrings and ask where she got them. BAM, conversation material. Leave the flirting aside but remember to keep eye contact and listen to her.
Also, when keeping eye contact remember that you're human. Avoid giving long, uncomfortable stares at her. Blink, move around SLIGHTLY, and remember to smile as much as you can. Don't talk about ANYTHING negative. If she complains about something, spin it in a positive nature.
Just be yourself and have fun.
Also, when keeping eye contact remember that you're human. Avoid giving long, uncomfortable stares at her. Blink, move around SLIGHTLY, and remember to smile as much as you can. Don't talk about ANYTHING negative. If she complains about something, spin it in a positive nature.
Just be yourself and have fun.
beat
Member
How do you meet compatible people? I'm on OK Cupid a bit and I never really see anyone who's really that compatible, I don't think. Same for real life encounters, I guess. I used to think that was OK until I met this one girl in real life this summer -- totally wasn't even expecting to -- who's so close to being my dream girl that I couldn't believe it. (She's unavailable now though and I'm not gonna wait around for her.)
So now I've revised all my conclusions about settling and compatibility, but really, she was an extremely rare girl.
So now I've revised all my conclusions about settling and compatibility, but really, she was an extremely rare girl.
SquiddyCracker
Banned
Here's a golden rule for life:
9/10 times, you should just go for it.
Those times when you shouldn't go for it are so rare anyways that you might as well ignore them.
stn
Member
@strata8
lol, that pic. Let's say you're sitting at a table and having coffee: you want to lean in a bit more so you're not too far away. Make sure your posture is relaxed and calm, also respect the girl's space. Honestly, these are the kinds of things you'll have to learn through application. You have to be comfortable with the fact that you MIGHT screw something up. Its all a learning experience, man.
lol, that pic. Let's say you're sitting at a table and having coffee: you want to lean in a bit more so you're not too far away. Make sure your posture is relaxed and calm, also respect the girl's space. Honestly, these are the kinds of things you'll have to learn through application. You have to be comfortable with the fact that you MIGHT screw something up. Its all a learning experience, man.
I think you just have to make yourself available, and find/talk to as many people as possible (you can do some "filtering" with dating sites, though may not want to filter out too many). I'm kind of the same way (even had my own "rare" girl fall out of nowhere, though she ended up breaking my heart). I was pretty selective before, but I've gotten less restrictive now. Granted, it hasn't really resulted in much success yet thanks to the struggles with getting responses via online dating (just 1 new friend, and a couple of girls I can maybe be penpals with), but I feel like if there is someone out there that is "compatible" with me, I'll definitely find her.
I'm doing meetup groups and things like that too, which is a good way to meet lots of people (less likely that they'll be "compatible," but who knows?).
So my girlfriend of a little less than 2 years has been mentioning that she'd like to get married before actually moving in with each other after our we graduate from our respective universities. Does this sound as silly to everyone else as it does for me? I mean, how can you think you know someone well enough to marry them if you have no idea how well you can actually live with them? It's not that I have doubts in us or anything, but it just seems strange that someone is so willing to charge into a massive commitment like marriage while being wary of a comparatively minor thing like rooming together. I simply can't imagine being married to someone that I won't be living with immediately after getting married.
Anyway, I might just be thinking about this the wrong way. I guess I'm just wondering if this is a common view on marriage to have or if I'm just being too close-minded about this.
Anyway, I might just be thinking about this the wrong way. I guess I'm just wondering if this is a common view on marriage to have or if I'm just being too close-minded about this.
Flying Toaster
Member
You are not being close-minded about this at all. It really opens up a new view on the person you love when you start to live with them. I would recommend living with a significant other before ever thinking about marriage.
Good experience meeting the neighbor girls today. So, I was finally able to bake up a batch a cookies today. Took a while to learn the new oven and the first couple batches flopped miserable. Took them over to the girls in the next door apartment and they flipped out. They were super excited to get them. Talked to them for a while and they're all really nice. They were also the first girls I've met that were super impressed with me being a CS major.
So, yeah. This was more getting over social anxiety for me than anything else. I've had a hard time opening up and talking to people. Think it really helped me work through some stuff. Excited to get out there and meet new people.
So, yeah. This was more getting over social anxiety for me than anything else. I've had a hard time opening up and talking to people. Think it really helped me work through some stuff. Excited to get out there and meet new people.
You are badass. Now I want to make my neighbors a treat. I'm thinking something saucy... like slime cake
The reaction was almost scary. There was a really long pause of disbelief after I gave it to them before they all went crazy and started asking me questions. The silence was just long enough to give me a "I've made a huge mistake" moment, haha. I'm surprised how shocked they were that I knew how to bake. Got a lot of "you're the nicest neighbor ever" as well. Honestly, I'm just glad to be on good terms with them as it'll make my life a lot easier going forward.
so i didnt date anyone for like a year while i was really depressed but ive successfully started some sort of relationship with this girl at my school recently
i go to massage school and this is a sexy black girl which is my probably fetish anyways so that was great
she had basically friendzoned me like 2 weeks ago which sucked for me since we had already dated so i thought the whole thing was futile
but i was giving her a massage last week and one thing led to another and we ended up having pretty amazing sex for a bunch of hours instead of wacky massage school homework (the multiple orgasm kind)
so after that i asked her if we had become like bf/gf or friends with benefits or something and she said not to put labels on it and just let whatever happens happens and i agreed to that because why the fuck not
where do i go with this thing? its all very exciting and confusing
like do i still try to date her at this point
i go to massage school and this is a sexy black girl which is my probably fetish anyways so that was great
she had basically friendzoned me like 2 weeks ago which sucked for me since we had already dated so i thought the whole thing was futile
but i was giving her a massage last week and one thing led to another and we ended up having pretty amazing sex for a bunch of hours instead of wacky massage school homework (the multiple orgasm kind)
so after that i asked her if we had become like bf/gf or friends with benefits or something and she said not to put labels on it and just let whatever happens happens and i agreed to that because why the fuck not
where do i go with this thing? its all very exciting and confusing
like do i still try to date her at this point
Haha, I love experiencing that tension and release. I want to be invited to the party you all can organize now.
What do you like about her?
Glorified G
Member
she accepts me as a person, which is really nice because im really really bipolar a lot
she's really nice and accepts me
i can be myself around her
we have similar interests in massage and music
those are all good things
well i dont know of all the human combos i think i like black girl the most
does that count as fetish? i dont know
That's perfect. Focus less on the future of the relationship and more on enjoying any time you spend with her (keep doing what you've been doing Mr. Flirt). I don't know about you, but worrying about the future makes me antsy. Idea - invite her to go out with you and your friends, and then have a blast whether or not she makes it out.
We are going to California Pizza Kitchen for lunch. And I had to reschedule for Friday since I felt like shit today. I never thought about googling questions thanks.
AnathemicOne
Banned
Hey all, been a while since I've last posted here.
Anyways I've been acquainted with an international chinese student at my campus. Difference from a foreign exchange student is that she's attending school in the US until she graduates.
I met her 2 weeks ago at the campus Gender-Equity center which is basically a place where everyone can chill at as long as they're respectful (also recently merged with the LGBTQ center which is literally a room away connected via interior door).
I only get to talk to her twice a week due to her schedule but so far its been fun. We both enjoy anime and have an interest in japanese culture and getting to learn about chinese culture is very fun for me as I'm half-chinese.
I already have her number but I haven't texted her much. I would love to hang out with her outside of school but as an international student she is homestaying with a student and his/her family attending the same school however have no idea who he/she is. So GAF how should I approach this, should I just ask for a hang out or meet with the student doing the homestay or what?
Anyways I've been acquainted with an international chinese student at my campus. Difference from a foreign exchange student is that she's attending school in the US until she graduates.
I met her 2 weeks ago at the campus Gender-Equity center which is basically a place where everyone can chill at as long as they're respectful (also recently merged with the LGBTQ center which is literally a room away connected via interior door).
I only get to talk to her twice a week due to her schedule but so far its been fun. We both enjoy anime and have an interest in japanese culture and getting to learn about chinese culture is very fun for me as I'm half-chinese.
I already have her number but I haven't texted her much. I would love to hang out with her outside of school but as an international student she is homestaying with a student and his/her family attending the same school however have no idea who he/she is. So GAF how should I approach this, should I just ask for a hang out or meet with the student doing the homestay or what?
Dr Duncan Steel
Member
Gonna make this one quick.
The girl is a pretty hardcore Christian.
I was raised Catholic but kinda fell of the wagon lately.
Should I even?
The girl is a pretty hardcore Christian.
I was raised Catholic but kinda fell of the wagon lately.
Should I even?
beat
Member
Dammit. I thought with the computers and the whatnot that someone would have figured out a more efficient way.
No kidding about the movie thing. I used it as a means of extending the date and it didn't help at all. Talking in the theater I think I broke through her shyness, then she clammed back up as soon as the movie started. Should've focused on the former, hopefully I'll get more of a chance this weekend.
I've started to get some emotion out of her, if only in texts. Confirmed the date for Saturday and she said "awesome!", which is a far cry from the super nervous "okay..." I got a week ago. Since she is 24 and a virgin, the thread in OT helped shine some light on that. I may have unknowingly switched from one VN girl to another, and now I'm dating a Hanako. Super cute, kind, and seems to have everything but her social life in order, so I remain optimistic.
I'll ask her out for coffee on Sunday if Saturday goes well, I just need to find a place nearby beforehand.
Update: Her friend came along, and they invited me to a small-ish party (~30 people) on Saturday.
I tried making more eye contact, which caught her attention, but I've got no idea whether it did anything. I think I just made myself uncomfortable lol. Maybe I'll try more on the weekend when I've got a few drinks in me.
It warms my heart to see you write this
So keep at it and keep going forward! No labels probably either means it was a one time deal (or until you just happen to get her horny during practice again) or a fwb situation. Either way, keep it cool and try to go with the flow. It's when you get needy and desperate that things turn sour. Also don't try to go anywhere with it. Just accept the current situation and enjoy it while it lasts. If it's meant to be something more, that'll happen naturally. Forcing it is NEVER a good idea. Take that from someone who recently learned that lesson multiple times. It's hard to tell if dates are a good or bad thing. That depends on what you've been doing together before this and how she reacts to your presence etc. If everything is nice and dandy, it might work. But since she has already kind of put on the brakes in a way, taking it slowly on a day by day basis seems the wisest.
NeOak
Member
Seconded. Take it nice and easy and enjoy the ride.
n64coder
Member
Are you interested in being more religious? If not, don't bother. You're not going to change her.
trab pu kcip
Member
I know now what "friendzone" feels like. not that bad actually. better than having no contact at all
AnathemicOne
Banned
It depends on your level of attachment and how well you can deal with it. I was friendzoned by a bisexual turned lesbian and since then we've been best friends. But the first few weeks/months afterwards I personally felt like shit but never showed it. Some people rather sever the connection and not deal with reconciling with the other which is their own choice and understandable.
Zen_Arcade
Banned
People over react to the friend zone all the time. I guess if you got friend zoned every time you tried to get a date it would take more of a toll, but one of the people I hang out with most is a girl I asked out like five years ago who said no.
trab pu kcip
Member
well yeah but I mean I like him, otherwise I wouldn't have been interested in him. so being friends is cool, even though it's not the perfect scenario, I'm going to admit that.
of course I'm disappointed but if he didn't even wanna be friends that would have been worse I guess.
I just hope it works out like for zen_arcade. I'm fine with it now but if he starts talking about his dating problems and stuff I wouldn't know how to react to something like that^^
electricshake
Member
I live with a guy who I confessed to having feelings for 5 or 6 years ago; he's pretty much my best friend now. It was pretty hard at the time though. But I think he's the only person I've had (serious) feelings for that I'm still friends with.
forknknife
Banned
I know that feel, it's happened to me so many times. Hope next time works out for you.
Any time I've friendzoned a guy, I've been pretty conscious about not coming to him with my dating problems or stuff like that - at least until they start talking to me about the same. People have feelings and why make a friend uncomfortable? Hopefully this dude realizes that, and hey, if not, it's totally okay if you let him know that it makes you uncomfortable for the time being.
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