That could be it :/ it's not like I'm unhappy with her I just feel like there should be something better.
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Dating-Age |OT4| Realise You're Living in the Golden Years
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That could be it :/ it's not like I'm unhappy with her I just feel like there should be something better.
Out of Working Order
Member
How do you overcome the reluctance to 'put yourself out there', so to speak? I've wanted a girlfriend for so many years, but honestly, being alone has become a way of life for me. I almost feel like it'd be very hard for me to adjust to a life of dating and rejection.
I don't even know what sort of woman I'd be compatible with, or why I want a woman. Sometimes I wonder if I should just avoid dating forever. I'll never feel fulfilled - having no sex or love life, of course - but I won't have to face rejection or even humiliation. Obviously I am attracted to good looking women, but I always find that when I try to make eye contact, they're always looking down or anywhere but me. I am intimidated, if that makes sense. And I always think that no woman's going to want a man that has never dated, or works a shit job. Another thing is women want men who love life, and live it like one big adventure. Who can look after them and take them places they've never been. I am definitely not like that. Women even younger than me seem to have been travelling and done all sorts of cool shit, so I am going to seem so boring in comparison.
I just feel utterly defeated when it comes to women. If a woman grabbed me and dragged me on a date, of course I'd try it. But to seek it out, especially when it could all go terribly wrong? I can't muster the motivation. I'd prefer to stay hidden away in my shell. Even if I am unhappy.
I don't even know what sort of woman I'd be compatible with, or why I want a woman. Sometimes I wonder if I should just avoid dating forever. I'll never feel fulfilled - having no sex or love life, of course - but I won't have to face rejection or even humiliation. Obviously I am attracted to good looking women, but I always find that when I try to make eye contact, they're always looking down or anywhere but me. I am intimidated, if that makes sense. And I always think that no woman's going to want a man that has never dated, or works a shit job. Another thing is women want men who love life, and live it like one big adventure. Who can look after them and take them places they've never been. I am definitely not like that. Women even younger than me seem to have been travelling and done all sorts of cool shit, so I am going to seem so boring in comparison.
I just feel utterly defeated when it comes to women. If a woman grabbed me and dragged me on a date, of course I'd try it. But to seek it out, especially when it could all go terribly wrong? I can't muster the motivation. I'd prefer to stay hidden away in my shell. Even if I am unhappy.
MacGurcules
Member
Motivations. You've got them a bit mixed up. Check out the OP. Getting a date or having a girlfriend can't be your goal here. You can't rely on someone else to provide you with validation. You've got to focus on getting yourself right. The rest comes from there.
As much as you're able, you gotta change your attitude. Clearly, you're not happy with the way you are but that's not because of a lack of women. The lack of women is because you're not happy with the way you are. If that were the case, you wouldn't be so worried about "putting yourself out there."
So question you need to ask yourself is, what do you need to fix?
Out of Working Order
Member
Well, a lot. My sleeping and eating habits (the times are all messed up), my lack of interest in what life has to offer, and my lack of a social life after work.
I wanted to work on my fitness not so long back. But again, fear of judgement put me off. Fear. It rules my life. I am relatively slim, but still feel extremely self conscious in public. Perhaps I am paranoid.
I am not sure I could ever learn to love myself, or feel that I have a lot to offer a woman.
Yeah, you really need to get yourself together. I would start with your fitness. You don't have to be self conscious about it. You can either work on it alone in your own home, or if you go to a gym you'll find most people there are at the same level or even worse than you are. Getting more fit was the first thing I've done this year and it's helped tremendously. When you're more fit and are eating better, you end up feeling better as well. Everything else comes from there.
Well, I put it out there that I'm finally willing to take the setup my family's been offering me for a long time. We'll see how this goes. Not much to lose, so why not?
Go_Ly_Dow
Member
Everyone is too preoccupied about themselves to focus their thoughts on you. I've been working out for about a year now in 3 different gyms and not once have I ever heard someone criticize an extremely underweight or overweight person. Nor make a joke.
It's all in your head.
Don't believe everything your brain tells you. Think positive, get back on your fitness, tire yourself out every other day and a nice sleeping pattern will fall into place.
If you're looking at doing weights then visit fitGAF. http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showthread.php?t=652023
Step by step and you will make it.
bobs...onGaf
Member
You are potentially holding her back from going home, finding another school and a better path for herself. It might be worth having a serious conversation with her about the fact that she should put life in front of that relationship.
Easier said than done for sure but your hurting her long term goals and forcing her to be in a place she doesnt like. I have been in a similar situation and it sucked.
Out of Working Order
Member
I can work on it at home, but I only have a pair of push up bars. To get a full workout I'd have to head to the gym. Either that or buy a home gym or something, but I don't have the room or money for one.
Everyone is too preoccupied about themselves to focus their thoughts on you. I've been working out for about a year now in 3 different gyms and not once have I ever heard someone criticize an extremely underweight or overweight person. Nor make a joke.
It's all in your head.
Don't believe everything your brain tells you. Think positive, get back on your fitness, tire yourself out every other day and a nice sleeping pattern will fall into place.
If you're looking at doing weights then visit fitGAF. http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showthread.php?t=652023
Step by step and you will make it.
That's reassuring to hear, thanks.
Right, thanks. I feel like an idiot - I've been in this thread numerous times asking the same questions, but I never take action. It's about time I did something.
NeOak
Member
Out of Working Order
Member
I got my finger trapped in a supermarket trolley in front of somebody once. Slammed right down. It's the way to impress women.
I've hit my head as well. Just pretended nothing happened.
Ghost_Protocol
Member
I know how you feel. I feel the same way sometimes, but it's complete nonsense, because everyone I know, EVERYONE, who's married/dating/has a girlfriend is COMPLETELY AVERAGE. There is absolutely nothing exceptional or special about them at all. They have regular jobs, do regular things, and have regular personalities. The reason why they have someone is simply because found someone they resonated with. That's all. Similar senses of humor, tastes, physical attraction, etc.
They did not swoop down on anyone and take them on a magic carpet ride. They met them at Buffalo Wild Wings while they accidentally spilled beer on themselves and made a joke about it.
Like I said earlier, I know how you feel and I think the same things sometimes, but people like us have to understand that that way of thinking is totally psychological and has no real basis in reality.
Out of Working Order
Member
Is she his first girlfriend? I understand your point too - it's great the two people can click despite that.
Well in that case, it just goes to show how damaging misconceptions can be; because they have kept me single all my life. Add to that staying at home when I am not at work, and you've got a recipe for fucking yourself over I suppose. I never in million years would've thought I'd still be waiting for a girlfriend at this point in my life, but here I am.
I need to throw myself into a club or something where I can talk to women. I'd suggest anyone reading that's thinking like me does the same. I wish I'd done something at 20 instead, but I didn't have the benefit of hindsight back then.
I don't know the guy well enough to know for sure but I'd assume yes. My point is of course that anyone can get a girlfriend and superficial things like being skinny or the opposite mean jack all in the long run. I'm tall and skinny too and have a bit of a tummy at the same time so my body isn't that attractive in the traditional sense. I don't work out, even though I should because it's good for you and actually a lot of fun. Last night, a young girl of no more than maybe 22, almost knocked me off my feet on the dancefloor by pulling my arm, because she wanted me. You don't need fancy clothes, big muscles or a cool hairstyle to attract women. You need a cool head which is an attractive feature on a different level. A level guys rarely think about.
Don't even get how a embarrassing situation like this is even a problem.;p
I mustn't be anyone, then.
Saw a tall, fat, balding dude yesterday with a pretty sweet looking woman on his arm yesterday. Wasn't older or well dressed...so he certainly didn't seem rich.
Adding to the above posts: one of my mates has really let himself go since uni. He was maybe a tad porky before, but not blatantly fat like he is now. Anyway, his girlfriend is a babe.
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Got talking a girl on POF last night. I sent her a completely random message about some fucked up shit I intended to do next weekend and basically left it with "Are you in?" She responded and was even playing along. Exchanged a few messages like this and it was rather amusing. She hasn't responded to my last message yet, but we were talking at like 3am. I already have a really good follow up message planned if she doesn't respond in the next 2-3 days. She seems right up my street and it'll be a bummer if she just vanishes like so many other girls, but it is nice to not give a fuck and just have some fun in the messaging phase.
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Got talking a girl on POF last night. I sent her a completely random message about some fucked up shit I intended to do next weekend and basically left it with "Are you in?" She responded and was even playing along. Exchanged a few messages like this and it was rather amusing. She hasn't responded to my last message yet, but we were talking at like 3am. I already have a really good follow up message planned if she doesn't respond in the next 2-3 days. She seems right up my street and it'll be a bummer if she just vanishes like so many other girls, but it is nice to not give a fuck and just have some fun in the messaging phase.
How's that attitude gonna help though? Has it brought you joy in life? It's all mindset, positive beliefs and attitude.
Ghost_Protocol
Member
Anyone gone to a club by themselves before? How did it go? What did you do?
All the time. It depends on the club and the crowd.
All the bars/clubs I chill at are at the center of a neighborhood that is kind of a community where we all live and know each other.
Not commercialized. Some may call it cliquey due to it being 80% regulars.
I've been to random "uptown" clubs that usually lack character, never alone. Those places suck in general and everybody just goes with their friends and they all look scared to talk to anyone outside their group. Clubs like that remind me of like chillis.
I would suggest finding the cool neighborhoods wherever you live and just start chilling at local places that aren't your generic club. arty sort of places is what you're looking for. they'll appreciate you more if you're passionate about life.
You'll make more friends and it's fun to drop in after work sometimes and see lots of familiar faces.
All of last summer. You talk to the people in front of and behind you in the queue if there's such a thing. You're super friendly with the guards, be nice to the cashier and wardrobe girls/guys. You have a smile on your face and have a good time entertaining the people around you. You go to the closest bar and hang out and perhaps get a free drink or shot by someone near you. I got two tonight. You greet people and bring a smile to their faces by being awesome and pleasant to be around. You dance if you want, alone or join some random groups, all while having a good mood, perhaps high fiving strangers and sing along to the songs. Girls love guys who stand out and truly are the party. They respect guys who aren't afraid to goof off and show their weak sides a bit. Helping someone light a smoke or give away a cigarette in the usually outside smoking area is also great. Sure, all these things do sound a bit weird and out there but they really aren't and if done with a positive attitude, people will accept it as normal and cool very easily. A helping hand, whether it's through a lighter or just a nice smile can mean so much to someone totally unexpected.
There's no way it had anything to do with your personality. Or your looks, since she already saw your pics.
If this was the escort/stripper, she probably used some mental game to get to know your position on being number 1/being number 2. It's also very likely she is playing hide and seek: I wouldn't be surprised if she pops out of nowhere in a month or three.
ToLateToLove
Member
So how does love work?
I have this girl I obviously like but not certain I'm in love with. She pursued me and always got the feeling she was more into me than the other way round. She moved abroad recently though and excluding a lot of story she doesn't wanna be exclusive because of it. She's only abroad for 4 months.. That is what she says anyways.
I'm so fucking confused. I get jealous with her, I miss her like craazy right now. If i'm not in love why do I feel like shit?
I have this girl I obviously like but not certain I'm in love with. She pursued me and always got the feeling she was more into me than the other way round. She moved abroad recently though and excluding a lot of story she doesn't wanna be exclusive because of it. She's only abroad for 4 months.. That is what she says anyways.
I'm so fucking confused. I get jealous with her, I miss her like craazy right now. If i'm not in love why do I feel like shit?
I realize I've lost any and all interest in dating. I was(and still am) in love with a girl and thought she was the one, we were perfect for each other and I was planning moving overseas for her and everything. Then she crushed me. That was in June and I still think of her everyday and have been really depressed ever since. She was the only one I could talk about stuff with and coming home late at night from work to sit by myself with no one to talk about my day is just really fucking lonely. I tried forcing myself a few times to go on some dates but I feel absolutely nothing. Ended up canceling the last one I got, I didn't even want to go out let alone on a date.
NeOak
Member
Give it time. It will heal.
MacGurcules
Member
I need some of the same. My girlfriend broke up with me this afternoon. Apparently, she doesn't think she feels what she needs to feel in order to keep going with it. She tells me that I'm a great person, that I'm comforting and fun to be around, and that I fuck her better than anyone else ever has. But there's still something missing.
She's a bit more than a year outside of a ten-year marriage and she says she's afraid of getting into another long relationship just to wait and see if it eventually feels right. I can't really make an argument against that. I care about her and if this is what she needs to be happy, then I don't want to stand in the way of it, but it doesn't really make me feel any less defective.
Right now, I'm just kind of holding onto the idea that she just needs some space and if I give her a couple of weeks, she'll realize she misses me and will want to get back together. But then I realize how pathetic that sounds and I feel even worse.
It's easy to be positive when things are going well.
She's a bit more than a year outside of a ten-year marriage and she says she's afraid of getting into another long relationship just to wait and see if it eventually feels right. I can't really make an argument against that. I care about her and if this is what she needs to be happy, then I don't want to stand in the way of it, but it doesn't really make me feel any less defective.
Right now, I'm just kind of holding onto the idea that she just needs some space and if I give her a couple of weeks, she'll realize she misses me and will want to get back together. But then I realize how pathetic that sounds and I feel even worse.
It's easy to be positive when things are going well.
silentcapybara
Banned
I know it's been asked before, but what is the general consensus on asking someone out while he/she is at work, specifically a barista?
NeOak
Member
Very dangerous. Try to get to know her a bit more on a personal level before asking.
On other news: I asked, got turned down. Didn't feel bad about it.
Got a girl's number at a club last night, we danced a lot. I want to text her but my cynical self tells me that the only reason why she danced with me and gave me her number(I asked her for it) is because she was buzzed/drunk(she didn't look drunk at all). Should I text her anyway?
Of course! Go for it.
Anyways, I always find it funny that the reassuring anecdotes about ugly men being successful in dating are always about how hot the woman is.
A Human Becoming
More than a Member
Looks like this isn't heading anywhere. It's for the best but I feel stung.
We just talked about going forward. She doesn't want friends with benefits or a relationship. Until today I hadn't seen her since it happened. I moved in yesterday while she was at a wedding. She was super tired when came back and was ragging on me very hard. I can take criticism to a certain extent, but she crossed the line. She knows that I have a limit now, but the damage is so deep it might take some time for it to heal. Don't think I can ever be good friends with her for these two reasons, just a friend and a roommate.
Well,to be fair, yours was about an adult baby not explicitly an ugly dude.
And y'all know what I mean!
NeOak
Member
She is quite unsure of it too. She is probably scared that you will think of her as a slut. She ragging on you was her trying to show that you weren't perfect either.
It's up to you to decide what do you want, but don't think she didn't thought about it either. She blew up on you.
A Human Becoming
More than a Member
I never thought I was. It's weird because she was the one who came onto me. I know she thought about it, we talked.
NeOak
Member
It was too fast. You may be surprised as how far a girl is willing to go to try to prevent anyone thinking of her as a slut.
Did it the other week and success.
Skel1ingt0n
I can't *believe* these lazy developers keep making file sizes so damn large. Btw, how does technology work?
Never gone on a blind date before - might be doing it either this Fri or next. Don't know anything about her - only that she's a teacher and my buddy said she's pretty.
Not really on the hunt to get in a relationship; really enjoying my freedom at 24. I've had one short relationship in HS, and a 4yr relationship through college. Been single for almost two years now. Have only been on a couple dates since. I'm comfortable around women and strangers, and not really worried much. Worst case, there's no second date, right? lol. But I figured I may as well give it a shot. Buddy texted me a while ago, admitted it was a random question, but asked if I'd be interested. Turns out she works with his GF (who is also a teacher), they were all talking for like 45 minutes and it moved onto dating. Later that night, my friend's GF said that I would work really well with her, and they set up a blind date. So yeah...
I'm thinking like a 7:30pm dinner at a semi-decent restaurant - maybe $20/plate and some wine. Something quiet but busy. And then luckily she lives right next to the downtown district where there are lots of bars and live music. So if dinner goes well, we could go straight to having a couple drinks and talking/dancing/whatever for a few hours. Then it's close enough I can just walk her home or we can split up whenever, depending on how things go, and I can easily hop in my car and leave.
Thoughts? Or is that way off?
Not really on the hunt to get in a relationship; really enjoying my freedom at 24. I've had one short relationship in HS, and a 4yr relationship through college. Been single for almost two years now. Have only been on a couple dates since. I'm comfortable around women and strangers, and not really worried much. Worst case, there's no second date, right? lol. But I figured I may as well give it a shot. Buddy texted me a while ago, admitted it was a random question, but asked if I'd be interested. Turns out she works with his GF (who is also a teacher), they were all talking for like 45 minutes and it moved onto dating. Later that night, my friend's GF said that I would work really well with her, and they set up a blind date. So yeah...
I'm thinking like a 7:30pm dinner at a semi-decent restaurant - maybe $20/plate and some wine. Something quiet but busy. And then luckily she lives right next to the downtown district where there are lots of bars and live music. So if dinner goes well, we could go straight to having a couple drinks and talking/dancing/whatever for a few hours. Then it's close enough I can just walk her home or we can split up whenever, depending on how things go, and I can easily hop in my car and leave.
Thoughts? Or is that way off?
Based on what you've written it's her fucking loss. If anyone's defective here it's likely her. No good will come from doubting yourself... you treated her well: you were comforting, fun and the sex was the best she's had.
How long were you together? If she's just a little over a year out now maybe it was too soon for her period. Do not assume it was you. Yes it stings but do what you need to do to move on. If she comes back think long and hard before jumping back in.
I feel for ya... try to focus on yourself and regroup.
MacGurcules
Member
It was a bit more than three months. It was the first somewhat serious relationship she's had since her divorce and the first somewhat serious relationship I've had in many years. The timing was probably admittedly bad for both of us.
I'm also willing to admit I was probably too invested. I know her from college about six or seven years ago, while she was still married. I was crushing on her pretty hard even then. After school finished up we drifted apart. Then I ran into her a few months ago while out for a drink with some coworkers and found out she was single. The rest of it is what it is.
For now, I'm willing to just wallow in it. I've got some longstanding insecurities about my capability to be loved and this really isn't helping. Part of me says that I waited six years to get together with her in the first place; I can wait a while longer for her to figure out what she wants. The other part of me realizes how ridiculous a sentiment that is. In any case, I've got lots of years of experience in being more or less single. I can handle being single again for a while.
PlayALLtheGames
Banned
I broke up with my most recent gf a couple of months ago and told myself I wasn't going to jump into another relationship but I always do that, and I always fail, and have failed again.
I started a thread about this a few weeks ago but I've been seeing a girl who is about to quit her job as a waitress and start stripping. The club is in DC where there are no lap/private dances and no touching; she just dances naked on a stage and talks to dudes.
She's also 9 years younger than me - just 21.
This relationship will have some interesting dynamics, but that's the kind of shit I live for. I've dated many types of girls and she is really intriguing.
In some ways, we're very similar: both born outside the U.S., are well-traveled, have the same political and social views, like the same music, love sports, and share other interests, like going out and getting absolutely hammered. We're both creative. Other things: she likes video games, texts with absolutely flawless grammar and has no tattoos (they're not deal-breakers for me or anything, but still).
Used to model in her teens and is unbelievably hot: 5'8 with really long legs. At 21, she already looks like a grown ass woman.
She went to college for a year or so - left because she couldn't afford it - but is really bright, well-spoken and well-read, not to mention bilingual.
She has been very open with how much she likes me. We've talked about it quite a bit and I've been open, too. Actually, we've had many, long talks about our lives, family, and philosophical musings about the world - usually in my sunroom at 3, 4, 5am after we've been out - and she speaks like someone with 40 years of life experience. Sometimes it blows me away how mature and introspective she is at 21, and I think that's why this feels comfortable to me: I don't feel like I'm with a 21 year-old. She reminds me a bit of myself at that age. By then I had lived in 4 countries on 3 continents and was very introspective and loved to philosophize about my experiences.
The dancing thing will have obvious challenges, and I think a lot of guys would, understandably, have serious trust issues, but I think I have enough emotional intelligence to accommodate something like this. I'm more rational these days than emotional. The concept of other guys seeing her naked makes me a little jealous, obviously, but doesn't particularly bother me. I get to more than just see and I figure whatever other job she'd be working, I'm sure guys would fantasize about her just the same.
Having known her for a little while, I'm confident that I should give this a chance. I'm fascinated by interesting people with interesting life experiences and she fits the bill in both ways. I think a relationship would be really valuable experience and teach me some things, even if it goes sour. Plus, I get to bang that.
Let's see what happens...
I started a thread about this a few weeks ago but I've been seeing a girl who is about to quit her job as a waitress and start stripping. The club is in DC where there are no lap/private dances and no touching; she just dances naked on a stage and talks to dudes.
She's also 9 years younger than me - just 21.
This relationship will have some interesting dynamics, but that's the kind of shit I live for. I've dated many types of girls and she is really intriguing.
In some ways, we're very similar: both born outside the U.S., are well-traveled, have the same political and social views, like the same music, love sports, and share other interests, like going out and getting absolutely hammered. We're both creative. Other things: she likes video games, texts with absolutely flawless grammar and has no tattoos (they're not deal-breakers for me or anything, but still).
Used to model in her teens and is unbelievably hot: 5'8 with really long legs. At 21, she already looks like a grown ass woman.
She went to college for a year or so - left because she couldn't afford it - but is really bright, well-spoken and well-read, not to mention bilingual.
She has been very open with how much she likes me. We've talked about it quite a bit and I've been open, too. Actually, we've had many, long talks about our lives, family, and philosophical musings about the world - usually in my sunroom at 3, 4, 5am after we've been out - and she speaks like someone with 40 years of life experience. Sometimes it blows me away how mature and introspective she is at 21, and I think that's why this feels comfortable to me: I don't feel like I'm with a 21 year-old. She reminds me a bit of myself at that age. By then I had lived in 4 countries on 3 continents and was very introspective and loved to philosophize about my experiences.
The dancing thing will have obvious challenges, and I think a lot of guys would, understandably, have serious trust issues, but I think I have enough emotional intelligence to accommodate something like this. I'm more rational these days than emotional. The concept of other guys seeing her naked makes me a little jealous, obviously, but doesn't particularly bother me. I get to more than just see and I figure whatever other job she'd be working, I'm sure guys would fantasize about her just the same.
Having known her for a little while, I'm confident that I should give this a chance. I'm fascinated by interesting people with interesting life experiences and she fits the bill in both ways. I think a relationship would be really valuable experience and teach me some things, even if it goes sour. Plus, I get to bang that.
Let's see what happens...
You know, don't overlook the fact that you have what seems to be some pretty damn good insight into where you're at emotionally. That's not an easy thing for a lot of people.
I think acceptance is a good thing. If you feel like wallowing a bit, go right ahead. It sounds like you have a solid perspective on this relationship and what led up to it as well as being single.
Learn from it, take something from it and take it for what it is, a small chunk of your life... and try not to judge yourself too harshly. Not that this shit doesn't hurt but you'll get through it and I think you know that.
beat
Member
This is purely hypothetical for me but I have a few questions.
1) how much chivalry is appropriate on a for-real platonic meet up/"date"?
2) how about if it's platonic but I wish it wasn't?
3) and just for completeness' sake, how about if it's platonic and I like it that way but the other person wishes it wasn't?
1) how much chivalry is appropriate on a for-real platonic meet up/"date"?
2) how about if it's platonic but I wish it wasn't?
3) and just for completeness' sake, how about if it's platonic and I like it that way but the other person wishes it wasn't?
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