Dating-Age |OT4| Realise You're Living in the Golden Years
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NeOak
Member
And we have a winner for the OP of OT5.
Seriously: Quote of the year right here.
When we say here "move on" its more like, the girl doesn't deserve your effort. However, in your case, she made an effort and you were the one at fault. But you realized it.
If you want to go for her, do it. At the end of the day, what we give here is advice, but we can't live your life.
Kinda like my friend. She turned me down. Gave me a kinda shitty reason. Did I move on? Yes and no. I've asked other girls our, but I still have an eye on her just in case. I'm keeping my options open. Now, do I stop being her friend? Usually I would, but when I was left alone at a club one Saturday night, I messaged her and she talked with me while I was waiting to be picked up. She has been there when I've needed her several times, why shouldn't I give back at least that?
So, in the end: do what you feel will make you happy. If you want her back because she is worth it, go and stop looking for approval. It's your life after all.
Well do you think that you could prove that you can be better?
grap3fruitman
Banned
Isn't what you're suggesting sexual harassment?
On the other hand, love and relationships aren't supposed to be battles and hardships. Those people who kept fighting might be happy today, but they probably also could've been happy faster with someone else if they had let go. You never know and drawing the line where enough is enough is rough for an outsider to specify. And it's usually even harder for the person caught in the middle of it. Just look at my own story a couple of month ago. I'm happier now that I've stopped fighting to get my ex back. Could I have handled it differently from the get go and been happy now? Probably. But it's hard to tell and almost everyone told me not to fight for it, even you guys 
grap3fruitman
Banned
Do you have a really good gay friend?
But still in a romantic relationship? Or just be friends who hug and cuddle? Because yes, such a thing exists.
Anyways, as far as the current topic goes, letting go isn't always about taking the easy way out. On the other side of it, someone refusing to take no for answer gets old pretty damn fast.
sooperkool
Member
Only if you're a pussy.
I went trough almost exactly what doomsayer went through and I decided that screw it I am going to lay it on the line and go down fighting. And here we are today, together and happy. There is always a way to get what you want, you just figure out what it is and do it. Yeah, its going to be hard and possibly unrewarding but its the only way.
Nope. All my friends are women haha.
Not necessarily a relationship. They could have a relationship with another woman: :/ I guess it would be weird though...
But yeah...kind of a relationship without sex, but like it wouldn't have to be.
Friends who hug and cuddle, yeah. I guess it's hard to find though, and they'd just leave me alone if they had a girlfriend.
What?
Well, there are people who are asexual out there.Nope. All my friends are women haha.
Not necessarily a relationship. They could have a relationship with another woman: :/ I guess it would be weird though...
But yeah...kind of a relationship without sex, but like it wouldn't have to be.
Friends who hug and cuddle, yeah. I guess it's hard to find though, and they'd just leave me alone if they had a girlfriend.
And I mean, I cuddle with some male friends, straight and gay, and I have a boyfriend. But obviously the relationship I have with them is very different than that I have with my boyfriend, which it sounds like is more of what you want.
I mean the more romantic aspects, which is what I'm assuming you'd also want? I guess another question would be: what do you feel you'd get out of a relationship of this kind with a guy that you can't get with your female friends?
As for relationships and their differences, well, that's a pretty individual thing. But for me, my boyfriend is basically my best friend and the person I feel most comfortable with so that'll definitely color the interactions. There's a level of physical intimacy there that just doesn't exist with other people.
Keep trying bro, it gets easier. Something i try is imagine how it feels to have one. Just keep tryin it will come, I went 2 years without one and now i feel like i have hooked a really good fish.
I guess someone I could call and just talk to or have come over and just wants to hang out with me, we could go to movies or lunch/dinner or whatever.
I love my girl friends, but I don't cuddle with them or anything. I can talk with them about most things but I guess it's different.
Well, I don't personally see how those things are exclusively something you'd get from a relationship with a guy, but yeah, it's definitely possible to have that without the sex.
sooperkool
Member
Yep, you might not like what you have to do to be with the person you want. But if there is mutual attraction there and you want to make it work you can, People love to quit though thats why a lot of this thread is about re-building confidence.
Possibly unrewarding... yes, because you might not really want what you have won in the long run.
Echelon079
Member
I kinds feel the same way, but as a guy. It's a lot easier for me to be Friends with women than men, I like the more affectionate women friendship then the whole bro thing.
Wasn't sure what you meant by you can always get what you want. Made it seem like the other person's wants didn't factor into it.
if she is real deal, then never accept friendship and tell her that... because when girl accepts you as a real friend, it is very hard to go back. This might not apply since you already dated though.
but, also ask yourself... was she love of your life when you were hard in love with the other one? like few months back?
Additionally, having this other girl after her will stand in your way, eventually... so make sure you want to do this for real, and if you do go back together make sure she realizes that.
My bro dated a girl when he and his (now) wife broke up and 10 yrs later it has fueled her imaginations and they fight often due to her being jealous.
Glorified G
Member
Like you in what way? Just as a friend?Well...all my girl friends have boyfriends and hang out with them. And we don't cuddle. Haha.
I dunno.
Is the gross ulterior motive sex? And if so, do you alway consider it as such? I'm sure some of my male friends have been attracted to me or been attracted to me sexually, but that doesn't negate the fact that they are friends. It's not always the case that if a guy is attracted to you, he'll only see you in that way and is just keeping up the friendship in hopes of sleeping with you. Likewise, not every guy is going to be sexually attracted to you.
I know from your experience guys have either just wanted to have sex or not wanted to be friends at all, but it is possible.
He reads the thread so if he didn't know about it before he does now.
But yeah, he's seen me interact with my male and female friends. I hug and cuddle with them both and it's all purely platonic.Like me in any way. I dunno, I want a guy to want to hang out with me more than once.
Yeah, I generally do. Sex is just gross and scary to me :/
I guess it just takes a lot of searching to find someone... The only guys I really know are my friends boyfriends. Haha.
Maybe one day... If I don't, oh well. I'll be a little lonely I suppose (it's just something that my girl friends don't fulfill in some way), but I guess it's all good.
The Artful Dodger
Member
You just gotta build regular friendships into that. Idk about cuddling with any of my friends that are girls, but I got alot of Female friends that I enjoy hanging out with. Idk, I suppose it's just about them getting used to you and you getting used to them and knowing them well enough. But it's gotta start, if you look for a friend for the express purpose of cuddling, He's going to think it's gonna eventually be sex. I hate to sound that way but 8 times outta ten that's how a guy will think. So you have to take it a bit slower, make pals that are dude's first. Get it through you're not looking for a relationship (and don't talk about wanting someone to cuddle with and all that, it'll give the guy a hint that you're just being coy), I hate to sound like this, but it's just kinda the way it is.
There are some guys that won't be like that, and if you can find them good. I say this not cause they're rare but just cause it's hard to tell right off the bat who's who.
Idk, like I said, I have a number of Girls who are friends and there is that weird point at times in teh beginning where we find eachother attractive or whatever and kinda have to decide where our friendship is at. So you got to make it clear you're just pals, and not give the idea you're looking for a "friends with benefit situation"
Hope this helps!
Gotta find some guys who actually want to interact with me first! They are very very few and far between and they generally talk to me once and then ignore me after.
I will use your advice someday if that ever happens
Thanks.sssstententen
Member
It sounds like you want a childhood best friend or something.
The comfort levels/intimacy you want, but with the exception that it's just platonic and safe and completely non-sexual, is something you would have with family/close friends of a long time.
I used to have a friend who was a girl, we weren't in a relationship either, really got along, vented and talked and hung out all the time. It was great, because I didn't have to worry about being different or acting weird or caring about a relationship with her. Turns out, she actually had feelings for ME.
There have been studies that the reason you don't find your family attractive (sisters/mother/etc) is because you're exposed to them during infancy/early childhood and that exposure at such a young age inhibits any sexual feelings. I'll try to find it.
Again, I think something like this you're going to have to make concessions on. You can't be so picky as to expect something like intimacy without wanting to reciprocate. Or like the above poster said, you're going to have to just try to make normal friends and build a relationship to a level where it would be a normal thing to have that kind of intimacy without any sexuality involved.
The comfort levels/intimacy you want, but with the exception that it's just platonic and safe and completely non-sexual, is something you would have with family/close friends of a long time.
I used to have a friend who was a girl, we weren't in a relationship either, really got along, vented and talked and hung out all the time. It was great, because I didn't have to worry about being different or acting weird or caring about a relationship with her. Turns out, she actually had feelings for ME.
There have been studies that the reason you don't find your family attractive (sisters/mother/etc) is because you're exposed to them during infancy/early childhood and that exposure at such a young age inhibits any sexual feelings. I'll try to find it.
Again, I think something like this you're going to have to make concessions on. You can't be so picky as to expect something like intimacy without wanting to reciprocate. Or like the above poster said, you're going to have to just try to make normal friends and build a relationship to a level where it would be a normal thing to have that kind of intimacy without any sexuality involved.
This, so much. And frankly, I think you should have sex Leeness, if for nothing else but to get over it. Sex isn't gross and it shouldn't be scary. By now you've built it up so tremendously that making it a reality is gonna be self-sabotaged every time unless you start looking at things from another perspective. I don't buy the asexuality one bit as I've said before. I know the artful dodger's number of 8/10 guys is out of nowhere but it's totally a modest number. Finding a straight guy who just want to cuddle with you is not a 20% shot. It's probably a lot lower. It's not my intention to dash any expectations here, but I don't think it's likely happen. Pau is right, there are guys like that, even straight ones, but I really do think you need to aim for something else. I think you need to get your mind out of the gutter and stop thinking of sex in this way you do. I genuinely believe that your mindset and thought processes aren't healthy and it breaks my heart
That would be nice.
This, so much. And frankly, I think you should have sex Leeness, if for nothing else but to get over it. Sex isn't gross and it shouldn't be scary. By now you've built it up so tremendously that making it a reality is gonna be self-sabotaged every time unless you start looking at things from another perspective. I don't buy the asexuality one bit as I've said before. I know the artful dodger's number of 8/10 guys is out of nowhere but it's totally a modest number. Finding a straight guy who just want to cuddle with you is not a 20% shot. It's probably a lot lower. It's not my intention to dash any expectations here, but I don't think it's likely happen. Pau is right, there are guys like that, even straight ones, but I really do think you need to aim for something else. I think you need to get your mind out of the gutter and stop thinking of sex in this way you do. I genuinely believe that your mindset and thought processes aren't healthy and it breaks my heart
I don't want to. It's gross and scary for me. I don't really ever want someone to look at me in that way. I don't think anyone ever has other than joking/being silly (at least not to my knowledge) and I never want them to. It gives me the creeps and makes my skin crawl. :/
I don't know if I'm asexual, but I know I don't ever want to have sex.
Well, this is probably something that we can't really address adequately, although I'd urge you to talk to your therapist about it.
Devolution
Member
You need to stop thinking of it as some lascivious and gratuitous process and as one of the more intimate fun things you can share with someone. I feel like you need to stop thinking about sex entirely. It's clouding everything. It's just a natural conclusion to chemistry with another person.
Well, I don't want to sound mean , but if something that is a natural part of human interaction grosses you out this much, I think it's something that should be brought up with a professional and I don't know if there's anything we in the thread can say that would make any sense of the situation. Especially if you want to form even platonic relationships with guys who have the possibility of being sexually attracted to you and will let you know about it.I don't see her anymore because I'm not depressed anymore
You keep posting about stuff like this, so it's obviously something that bothers you and that you need to work through, and unfortunately I don't think anyone on this forum is equipped to help you through that.
I have a friend who's a girl who's like this too. I thought that I developed feelings for her at some point but realized that I just want to remain close friends now, but I keep thinking that she thinks that I keep hanging out with her because I still think that there's some possibility of a relationship, even though there isn't. Think there's any way to get back to the stable friendship that we had before I told her about my feelings?
It isn't for me though. :/
I don't really think about sex all the time, or much at all, only when I think I want a guy friend and the "I'd never want to have sex with him though" shows up. I dunno.
I know...I just wanted to know if it was possible for me to find a male friend who wouldn't be A: a creep, or B: drop me after hanging out with me once. That's all. :/
I don't really think I need to talk about it with a professional. I just don't want sex. There are people that don't want sex. I guess I need to find them.
Devolution
Member
What isn't for you though? You're blocking off the possibility of the act because of some issues you don't want to admit to your therapists. This is a problem of intimacy that absolutely needs to be addressed with mental health professionals.
You need to talk about this because your reasons are entirely unhealthy.
Artofwar420
Member
Got a girl, she's nice and we like each other, but like I said in a previous post, she seems way too touchy and flirty with other guys (girls too for that matter.)
Drives me a bit nuts, I just would like some advice on how to deal with this. I do know that exploding and making a huge deal about this is quite unattractive and shows lack of confidence. Other than letting it happen and hoping it's just normal interaction, what could I do?
Drives me a bit nuts, I just would like some advice on how to deal with this. I do know that exploding and making a huge deal about this is quite unattractive and shows lack of confidence. Other than letting it happen and hoping it's just normal interaction, what could I do?
NeOak
Member
Nope. Once you break it, no matter how you put it back together: it won't be the same. Doesn't mean it has to be a bad thing. Just don't thing about it. It's a problem only if you make it one.
What I mean is that it will be different, but doesn't mean that it can't be better than what you had. For example, now you can see her flaws while before you were blinded by the feelings, allowing you to know her even better.
It depends how you look at it to be honest. Just don't give it any thought, and if she evers mentions it, tell her something like you were there because you appreciate her as a friend, nothing else.
I don't know, I don't think so...I've just never been interested in sex. It's always been this awkward weird foreign thing to me. I've never been comfortable with the idea of it.
It is definitely possible for guys to not be creeps and to not drop you after hanging out with once, but if you're going to call them gross or think of them as such just for being sexual beings (which most people are) that's pretty unfair, don't you think? That's also putting some unnecessary mental and emotional strain on yourself that doesn't have to exist, hence why Devo and I are advocating talking to a professional about it.
I'm not saying that you have to have sex or become sexual if you don't want to be, but that people who are asexual can still have healthy ideas about other sexualities that aren't painting every person they interact with as someone who's gross or a creep.
If you're approaching every interaction with a guy thinking he's a creep or going to drop you any second, that is not healthy any way you put it.
Count Dookkake
Member
Leeness, when you have a sexual quirk, it behooves you to reveal it to prospective mates ASAP.
Hiding it won't go well pretty much ever.
Hiding it won't go well pretty much ever.
It's the only thing I've encountered in 26 years. :/
I don't have problems with guys wanting sex, they can go have sex. Just not with me. :/
Sexual quirk = don't want to have sex? I wouldn't call them prospective mates then. Haha.
I dunno, I generally put out there that I only want to be friends.
But you've got to believe that it's not the only thing that exists, otherwise what's the point?
And I'm not saying to be okay with them actually having sex with you, but that they might at least want to, and instead of calling them gross and creeps for it, acknowledge that it's a very human and normal desire, and as long as they don't sexually harass you or do anything without your consent, that it's totally okay to be friends with people who might be attracted to you on some level. Granted, there will definitely be guys who will want to be friends with zero feelings of attraction, but you won't know that until they bring it up, and it sounds like the second they do, you feel uncomfortable.
You're caught in an illogical loop where every guy is a creep but no guy could possibly find you sexually attractive and will only want to hang out with you for sex or not at all. That's not healthy.
Definitely don't lose your cool. Gotta sit down and have a talk with her. How long have you two been together for?
I had an ex that was a flirt. She wouldn't think she was flirting, just "joking/playing around." Up until we talked about her flirting that she cut back on it. I'm from the camp that light flirting doesn't hurt anyone (as long as its not done in front of the person), but touching, or too much flirting would be too much in my eyes.
Our situations differ in that your gf is touchy and flirts with girls. But I still think you should talk to her if it bugs you.
Count Dookkake
Member
Yes, not wanting to have sex is a sexual quirk. Just like wanting threesomes or getting pegged or liking watersports. No judgement at all.
I use "mate" if you are talking about something more than friend. It's pretty obvious, but romance and sex are not the same. IMO, a regular "cuddle buddy" (barf
) is more than a friend.The point is, being honest about your intentions ASAP will increase your chance of getting what you want. It will at least weed out those who don't want what you want.
That said, I think you have to better define to yourself what it is you want. I do not believe there is an abundance of dudes who will settle for cuddling with no chance of escalation, but they do exist. However, they may still want a "mate."
Well...they don't bring it up because I never hang out with a guy more than a couple times before they stop talking to me
I dunno...it's just how it seems to go. I really should see if there are some asexual people hang outs or something haha. I don't even know if such a thing exists.
Kung Fu Jedi
Member
Finding a guy over the age of 20 who only wants to cuddle, hug and be close without any chance of a more intimate relationship is going to be quite tough. Most guys are going to want more and those that say they are okay with it at the beginning may want more as well once they enter the "cuddle buddy" relationship.
I won't speak for all guys but I could have only put up with that kind of relationship when I was in high school, after that if I really liked someone, I would have wanted more.
I won't speak for all guys but I could have only put up with that kind of relationship when I was in high school, after that if I really liked someone, I would have wanted more.
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