Dating-Age |OT4| Realise You're Living in the Golden Years
- Thread starter Minamu
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Count Dookkake
Member
This is not about you having male friends.
It's about you having male friends you can cuddle with, but who won't get aroused, even without you informing them of your peculiarity. You want psychic emotional tampons.
You will be happier with a more honest approach.
I could only skim the thread and not get too deep into it, but I think part of the issue (and I am _not_ qualified to say for sure) is that you want a facet of something that is highly intimate without the other intimacy that usually comes with it, and people typically aren't good at making that divide. that's tough for people to do, especially if they just go through life without trying to understand feelings.
Kung Fu Jedi
Member
Just take a chance and strike up a conversation. You never know what might happen. This is exactly how my current girl and I got started. We didn't know each other at all and were in an airport halfway round the world, when we met. She says she struck up the conversation first, I remember it differently.
Have as many guy friends as you'd like. I have a lot of female friends and we get along really well. But you cross a different line when you also want cuddling and hugging but no sex. That puts the relationship into some kind of weird gray zone that isn't going to work for most people.
sooperkool
Member
Perhaps you should keep reading the thread.
MacGurcules
Member
Everyone just wants to help. It's just that your situation is really confusing, Lee.
It's clear that you want at least some degree of the physical intimacy that comes in a romantic relationship. But your comments on control and intentions make it sound like you've got some fear of the emotional intimacy that naturally comes with that, too. Most of the time, those types of intimacy are pretty strongly linked and sex is often at the apex of it.
It sounds like what you basically want is a platonic fuck buddy. Someone who will come around on your terms and make you feel emotionally secure when you need it and then disappear until you need him again. You're going to encounter a lot of trouble finding someone who will do that for you. Most people aren't going to want just a little sliver of an intimate relationship. You're asking for someone to put himself into a very self-sacrificial spot.
It's clear you're troubled and we want you to find a way to be happy. It sounds like you need some help untangling what you want, both physically and emotionally. But your situation is unusual and nobody here is a professional.
Liu Kang Baking A Pie
Member
Pretty much.
I think the way Leeness lashes out like she's some sort of victim when people talk to her about this says something, but I can't judge. The way she's interacted with us for years has this cycle to it. We're now at the sarcastic "fine guys, you think I'm fucked up, let's move on" part.
Fair Trial
Member
Watching Leeness and Freud talking would have been fun i suppose.
Its just the same thing everytime
What bothers me most is that she went from being self concious and depressed to now lying to herself as a self defense mechanism
She says thats not the case, but cmon its soo transparent
Neither of us are looking for a relationship or to date each other but I'm kinda new to everything so just curious where I'm going wrong if so or if there's something more to my situation.
NeOak
Member
Wrong about what? And yes, there is more to it. She is doing the physical with other guys for fun, but she comes to you for the emotional support. Along with other things, but they depend on what you want out of her.
You aren't getting a FWB thing with her. You either are on the possible serious thing level or full friendzoned.
I would have to agree with the above. It is so transparent and obvious that there are still glaring issues but the mental roadblocks got put up to convince herself she is "perfectly okay". The fact she posts how okay it is in every post reinforces the need to constantly convince herself it is. And you have every person here agreeing it isn't. At some point the walls won't hold anymore and hopefully when that time comes she will be able to get the help she needs to attain and maintain a healthy romantic relationship.
Expecting to find a guy that just wants to hug and cuddle but never move beyond that is delusional IMO. Even if a guy were to ask the same thing of a female, it's a very blurry line with a lot of unknown intentions and desires that would come into play.
When the time comes Leeness I hope you have the avenues and resources available to you to move beyond the mental obstacles, unrealistic expectations, and negative ideas you've spent so much time associating relationships and the opposite sex with for the sole sake of protecting yourself from being hurt.
Expecting to find a guy that just wants to hug and cuddle but never move beyond that is delusional IMO. Even if a guy were to ask the same thing of a female, it's a very blurry line with a lot of unknown intentions and desires that would come into play.
When the time comes Leeness I hope you have the avenues and resources available to you to move beyond the mental obstacles, unrealistic expectations, and negative ideas you've spent so much time associating relationships and the opposite sex with for the sole sake of protecting yourself from being hurt.
Ethics Gradient
Member
Wouldn't it be nice to have a pocket friend you can pull out any time you want a cuddle, chat, and nothing more? However, you can potentially hurt this individual if you treat him this way.
I think you just described what used to be the definition of the friendzone before it turned into a method of complaining about how women don't automatically fling themselves at any guy who is nice to them.
Well I really don't care much if she sees/spends time with other men, it's frankly none of my business (I know I keep repeating it but it's the honest truth and I'm not just trying to type it again and again to convince myself otherwise).
I seriously doubt we will ever be anything serious anyway, but if I get 'demoted' ('officially' or otherwise) to friend I'll still hang out with her but I will probably still be wondering what I did wrong/didn't do or if it was all out of my hands to begin with.
I've made it pretty clear to her what I want from her, so on paper the arrangement sounds good, in practice it works out well until I (specifically) try to stumble into 'benefits' territory in which case I wouldn't care if I struck out a few times but the first time we were kinda drunk and I guess she was a bit curious but I have the feeling she's kinda decided I'm a known quantity and where she goes with that I haven't the faintest clue.
That's it! That's the answer I needed!
Ok I see it's just hard since I'm in a different city now and I don't have a car. Should I text her anything along the lines of you still down for Saturday?
Just take a chance and strike up a conversation. You never know what might happen. This is exactly how my current girl and I got started. We didn't know each other at all and were in an airport halfway round the world, when we met. She says she struck up the conversation first, I remember it differently.
See, I like this. Only thing I don't like is how I seem to constantly get cold feet despite me knowing this is exactly what I'm supposed to do, realizing that approaching people in this way is actually really easy, and having approached people in this way before and it usually turning out well.
I still can't seem to get the balls to go through with approaching some random girl, despite all of my experience having done so already in the past.
How do I get past this, GAF?
It was hard for me to do this about 2 years ago too. Try watching these videos on you tube the helped me a lot.
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=_ZlZryEKdXE&feature=plpp
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Xzrc8fZISDo
I used to be shy and everything a few years back but watching them really helped me.
Artofwar420
Member
What kind of rapport do you guys have? How far away are you? How exactly did you set up the date and how long ago?
NeOak
Member
It seems like she doesn't want to do it with you because that would mean the charm of what you have might be lost. If she has sex with you, you probably will be downgraded to just another guy she had sex with.
It was basically like this.
-Met her threw a friend at the bus stop
-Got her number
-she asked to follow me on Social Networks Twitter/Instagram
-We text for a few days.
-She writes in Twitter she wants to go out to dinner
-I ask her out to dinner Saturday
-she says sounds like a plan.
-She. Sends me Goodmorning texts and all that.
All this happened in the span of a week.
Edit: she lives like a 10 min walk away lol.
Artofwar420
Member
Dude, 10 minutes? Whatever, that's nothing. I don't know, reply kindly to her texts? Go out and have fun. Have no crazy expectations except a nice dinner, that's the best way to stay relaxed about it. Talk, of course, and see how you guys click, or not click.
MacGurcules
Member
If she's in regular contact, don't bother asking about whether things are still on. They are. Don't act indecisive about it. If you desperately need some kind of confirmation, hit her up to hammer out some details or something the day before.
It's all good, skipper. Don't overthink it.
Yea once the date starts I'll be fine. It's just the lead up. I hate rejection and people flake out on things so much I just want some type of confirmation. So I don't wanna fuck it up.
The Artful Dodger
Member
Ten Minutes! Are you shitting me!? Dump Her, tell her you can't do a Long-Distance thing.
Just Joking. Go for it man!
grap3fruitman
Banned
I am the thread!
hi GAF. I would like some advice on my current SO situation.
i'm 23, working a full time job and taking a leave off from school until I decide what I want to do. I've recently started dating this pretty amazing girl; attractive, funny, smart, sweet, compassionate, etc. The whole package.
here's the issue I'm having; she's 19. I'm not using her age as a testimony of how she acts, because she is VERY mature for how old she is. It's one of the reasons I went out with her in the first place. The reason I'm speculating on her age is to sort of describe that we're in two very different places of our lives.. she's in a big university+surrounded by close friends+surrounded by family. So far I'd like to think I have been a great boyfriend and so you can add that to her list of things she's got going for her. Needless to say, she's always happy.
and i mean always.
but here's where I'm at; I'm taking a break from school because I don't know what I want to do (was majoring in Art anyway ;\), I have no family that lives near me, and because of my last breakup almost 11 months ago I sort have no real close friends.
i am not always happy.
because of her school and the distance we live from each other I only see her like once a week. This once a week thing barely gives us enough time to catch up and be close to each other. Lately the only thing that's been progressing in the relationship is the 'intimate' part.. which for me just isn't really enough. That's literally all we do. We sit on one of our beds and talk for hours, kiss, mess around, etc. That pretty much takes up all the time I have with her until next week. It's sort of just been like that for the last month or so.
and for me, where I'm at right now, that's not enough. She lives in a college apartment complex and so everyday during the week when she's not in school she and her roommate just sort of hang out guys from her apartment building. I'm not really the jealous type, but I am jealous of the situation as a whole. I wish I lived closer or something so that commuting wasn't an issue and we could just 'hang out' without having to wait a week, or without having to get up early the next morning because of school or something.
we've been going out for over a month and a half and she hasn't even really met my roommates (my only real two friends in the world right now). It's not like she's avoiding it or anything, it just doesn't happen. In fact, nothing ever really happens. We don't go out (she hates shopping and is usually tired from school/studying to do anything else), and anytime I call her at night I sort of just sit there with nothing to say.. because honestly, there really is nothing to say. We briefly talk about our days and I usually get to hear the guys who live above her knock on her door at midnight saying hello, but other then that there's nothing of any significance said. I'm on GAF so obviously I'm a nerd (?) and I've told her that, explicitly. The thing is, she's never addresses it.. like.. ever. She walks in my room where I have games/manga/a few figurines and she's never asked about any of it, ever. She doesn't share any of my interests and I guess she's not interested in BEING interested in them either.
so anyways, where does it go from here? As the holidays begin to creep in I'm going to be working longer hours and she's going to be working and studying harder in school. She'll want to be with family and I will as well, giving us less time to spend together than we already do. I don't see our relationship actually going anywhere anytime soon.. is this normal? Do people hit roadblocks so early on like this?
i haven't expressed any of this to her because of her 'always' happy attitude. I don't want to bring her down and I can't emphasize enough to her how important school is.. honestly I don't want to say anything at all because of where the conversation might lead. I feel like I'm just not right for her life right now (or that she's not right for mine?) I know that if I tell her that she'll burst into tears and not understand.
she should be out having fun and doing what college kids do. I'm done with that part of my life. I want stability and consistency (call me boring, whatever). She's impulsive and such a free spirit. Honestly we're so different that the 'opposites attract' thing isn't even applying... Well, I guess it did for a while. Now the dust has cleared and I'm sitting there on the phone with nothing to say, but I want to talk to her. It's just sad that we have absolutely nothing to talk about.
she says that she loves me and I believe her (and I love her). She's such a good person. The only part of her that actually seems her age is that she never puts down her god damn cell phone ~.~ but I don't want to say anything because I don't want to tell her how to live her life.. (now that I type that out, it really makes me sound like a pansy). Maybe I am. My last girlfriend cheated on me and so I just really wanted to not screw this up. I've been trying my hardest to be the best boyfriend I can be. I know that I've been doing a good job because she got so comfortable with me that she was fine with letting go of her virginity for our sake.
i'm sorry that was so long. I don't have a TL;DR version. Maybe I just needed to get my feelings out somewhere. If you did get to the end any advice is appreciated. <3
i'm 23, working a full time job and taking a leave off from school until I decide what I want to do. I've recently started dating this pretty amazing girl; attractive, funny, smart, sweet, compassionate, etc. The whole package.
here's the issue I'm having; she's 19. I'm not using her age as a testimony of how she acts, because she is VERY mature for how old she is. It's one of the reasons I went out with her in the first place. The reason I'm speculating on her age is to sort of describe that we're in two very different places of our lives.. she's in a big university+surrounded by close friends+surrounded by family. So far I'd like to think I have been a great boyfriend and so you can add that to her list of things she's got going for her. Needless to say, she's always happy.
and i mean always.
but here's where I'm at; I'm taking a break from school because I don't know what I want to do (was majoring in Art anyway ;\), I have no family that lives near me, and because of my last breakup almost 11 months ago I sort have no real close friends.
i am not always happy.
because of her school and the distance we live from each other I only see her like once a week. This once a week thing barely gives us enough time to catch up and be close to each other. Lately the only thing that's been progressing in the relationship is the 'intimate' part.. which for me just isn't really enough. That's literally all we do. We sit on one of our beds and talk for hours, kiss, mess around, etc. That pretty much takes up all the time I have with her until next week. It's sort of just been like that for the last month or so.
and for me, where I'm at right now, that's not enough. She lives in a college apartment complex and so everyday during the week when she's not in school she and her roommate just sort of hang out guys from her apartment building. I'm not really the jealous type, but I am jealous of the situation as a whole. I wish I lived closer or something so that commuting wasn't an issue and we could just 'hang out' without having to wait a week, or without having to get up early the next morning because of school or something.
we've been going out for over a month and a half and she hasn't even really met my roommates (my only real two friends in the world right now). It's not like she's avoiding it or anything, it just doesn't happen. In fact, nothing ever really happens. We don't go out (she hates shopping and is usually tired from school/studying to do anything else), and anytime I call her at night I sort of just sit there with nothing to say.. because honestly, there really is nothing to say. We briefly talk about our days and I usually get to hear the guys who live above her knock on her door at midnight saying hello, but other then that there's nothing of any significance said. I'm on GAF so obviously I'm a nerd (?) and I've told her that, explicitly. The thing is, she's never addresses it.. like.. ever. She walks in my room where I have games/manga/a few figurines and she's never asked about any of it, ever. She doesn't share any of my interests and I guess she's not interested in BEING interested in them either.
so anyways, where does it go from here? As the holidays begin to creep in I'm going to be working longer hours and she's going to be working and studying harder in school. She'll want to be with family and I will as well, giving us less time to spend together than we already do. I don't see our relationship actually going anywhere anytime soon.. is this normal? Do people hit roadblocks so early on like this?
i haven't expressed any of this to her because of her 'always' happy attitude. I don't want to bring her down and I can't emphasize enough to her how important school is.. honestly I don't want to say anything at all because of where the conversation might lead. I feel like I'm just not right for her life right now (or that she's not right for mine?) I know that if I tell her that she'll burst into tears and not understand.
she should be out having fun and doing what college kids do. I'm done with that part of my life. I want stability and consistency (call me boring, whatever). She's impulsive and such a free spirit. Honestly we're so different that the 'opposites attract' thing isn't even applying... Well, I guess it did for a while. Now the dust has cleared and I'm sitting there on the phone with nothing to say, but I want to talk to her. It's just sad that we have absolutely nothing to talk about.
she says that she loves me and I believe her (and I love her). She's such a good person. The only part of her that actually seems her age is that she never puts down her god damn cell phone ~.~ but I don't want to say anything because I don't want to tell her how to live her life.. (now that I type that out, it really makes me sound like a pansy). Maybe I am. My last girlfriend cheated on me and so I just really wanted to not screw this up. I've been trying my hardest to be the best boyfriend I can be. I know that I've been doing a good job because she got so comfortable with me that she was fine with letting go of her virginity for our sake.
i'm sorry that was so long. I don't have a TL;DR version. Maybe I just needed to get my feelings out somewhere. If you did get to the end any advice is appreciated. <3
MacGurcules
Member
I've got several friends who are happily married to people that they share almost no interests with. I suspect other folks here could relate similar examples. So that's not necessarily something that's going to ruin it.
But it does sound like you've got some fairly serious problems communicating. It takes two people to make a relationship and if you're not willing to share your thoughts and feelings on the matter with her, it's not going to work. I know you think you're sparing her the worry about it by not including her. But regardless, you won't be sparing her any of the consequences. If you just carry it all inside and never tell her anything, you'll just eventually resent her and she'll understand even less when you blow up some day and suddenly cut things off.
Talk to her. If you've got a good thing, she'll want to help make it work. And if it's not going to work, it should be for reasons you both understand.
AdventureRacing
Member
Hahahaha. I laughed way too hard at this.
NeOak
Member
Dream on buddy. Dream on.
Ghost_Protocol
Member
Left my business card on a girl's car I saw park near me in our parking lot at work this morning. Our company is pretty big (5000 people). Tell me what you think of the note I wrote on the back:
Dear White Chevy,
My owner caught a glimpse of your owner this morning and wanted to come say hello but she was too fast. Do you think if I left this note she'd text/email him sometime? He'd love to hear from her. If not, no big deal.
Sincerely,
Blue Audi
Dear White Chevy,
My owner caught a glimpse of your owner this morning and wanted to come say hello but she was too fast. Do you think if I left this note she'd text/email him sometime? He'd love to hear from her. If not, no big deal.
Sincerely,
Blue Audi
MacGurcules
Member
Slightly creepy, if you ask me. But low risk, so why not?
Ghost_Protocol
Member
What I thought before I left it. I'll provide an update if I get a response. My card had my email & cell number.
Dr Duncan Steel
Member
Just wanna get this out there, there is no worse feeling than thinking it's the right time to talk to a girl and then not doing it. It just ruins your entire day. That alone should be a good motivator for a lot of guys.
fuck
Kung Fu Jedi
Member
Did she see/notice you too? Will she know who it was that left it for her?
Ghost_Protocol
Member
That's exactly why I left the note. I would have had to sprint to catch up to her (she was already walking toward the office when I pulled up.) So I left the note to kind of soften the regret of missing out on talking to her in person. Like I said earlier, I work at a company of around 5000 people, so there's little chance I would just run into her again.
I know she saw me pull up because I drove right by her and parked in a spot the in next aisle over. It was also pretty early in the morning and there wasn't a lot of cars in the parking lot. So I'd say once she reads the note and thinks back to this morning, she'll absolutely remember.
Sound like one of those Hollywood movie meets that almost never happens. But, I laughed pretty good at it, it was cute. Impossible to say what she'd think.
Alright Gaf what ye think about this, A girl ive gone on a date with that went really well IMO were talking two days ago and i told her i owed her a drink. She told me that she knew that and wanted me to get her a drink some night. so yesterday i asked when she wanted me to buy her that drink and never heard back. Now i am not taking this too serious so i don't feel like im overreacting yet i feel like i have no idea what to do. Should i hit her up again today or wait for her to get my message and hit me back? A little background we went out a week ago tomorrow.
The Artful Dodger
Member
Leave it alone for now, and see how she reacts.
Ghost_Protocol
Member
For the love of god wait. I don't think you should have texted about going out the day after you talked about it.....you need to lay low.
beat
Member
You might not know her, but what are the odds you and she know someone in common in the company? I'm not criticizing you here, I'm just idly wondering.
Ghost_Protocol
Member
I'd say its pretty low. Why?
Liu Kang Baking A Pie
Member
I dumped a friend forever last week for this shit. Fuck it.
You mean outside of elementary school?
More serious answer: No, but I've been on a date (well, in his mind) with a guy who thought that "I was so surprised that was you in that picture! You actually looked pretty!" was some form of compliment.
There's a definite difference between flirting and teasing, which can be really fun, and being mean, which is the opposite of fun. Some people have no idea how to toe that line though.
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