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[Copenap]

Ok, so here's my war plan.

Go to the meeting and listen to what she says. If it's indeed a negative answer, DON'T drag it out. Tell her that doesn't change your feelings so to make it clear there's no back to normal friendship from here, you will still be after dat booty.

Now the most important part, NO BEGGING, she already knows about your feelings, there's no need of further elaboration! And ffs, DON'T tell her you love her. Take it as it is, if you wanne be bold you could try something a bit macho like "I'll change your mind" or whatever. before you leave but have to judge yourself if you can bring such a line without looking silly.

Leave and don't think about it too much. DON'T go on facebook, don't give her the immediate chance to go back to friendly chitchat.

Good luck Private, you'll gonna need it.

 

[youngwerther]

Good thing I'm bringing ricin then.

Looks like this is turning into a good ole-fasioned showdown.

"What we have here fellas, is a failure to communicate."

 

[SHIT]

Good thing I'm bringing ricin then.

 

[GrotesqueBeauty]

My advice to the OP is don't let GAF members talk glibly in the abstract and fill your head with all sorts of presumptions and expectations (you sound like you already have enough of your own). Learn to listen with your heart an be guided by deeper instinct rather than knee jerk reactions or casual generalizations about how relationships work. Whatever isn't sensed in the moment is mere projection, at least until you've already established a deeper understanding of where someone is coming from. That's my two cents.

 

[XANDER CAGE]

friends are awesome

 

[Roland1979]

Good thing I'm bringing ricin then.

Good choice.

 

[bjb]

Spit out my oatmeal after reading 'touch barrier'

 

[youngwerther]

Spit out my oatmeal after reading 'touch barrier'

 

[Chinner]

sounds like you didnt break the touch barrier quick enough.

 

[stn]

I'm not buying it that the OP would be fine with just being friends with her. The fact that "love" is being thrown around tells me this will end badly. OP - here's what you need to do:

1. When you go on Monday, do not apologize for anything. Be firm. Tell her you have a physical attraction and won't settle for less.

2. Stop spilling your feelings and saying you love her. That's for people already in relationships, most of the time.

3. She may say something like "Oh, maybe we can try one day down the road..." just to give you a glimmer of hope. This is just because she wants to avoid confrontation. Stand your ground and hold your head up.

 

[bomma_man]

I'm laughing way too hard at this. Sometimes I wonder if NeoGAF is some kind of Asperberger's forum.

The way people seem to completely fail to pick up on obvious sarcasm so often makes me wonder...

 

[SHIT]

I'm not buying it that the OP would be fine with just being friends with her. The fact that "love" is being thrown around tells me this will end badly. OP - here's what you need to do:

1. When you go on Monday, do not apologize for anything. Be firm. Tell her you have a physical attraction and won't settle for less.

2. Stop spilling your feelings and saying you love her. That's for people already in relationships, most of the time.

3. She may say something like "Oh, maybe we can try one day down the road..." just to give you a glimmer of hope. This is just because she wants to avoid confrontation. Stand your ground and hold your head up.

what if he does all that she manages to some how manipulate him into a false relationship where no sex is exchanged and she gets all the free red lobster meals + cheddar biscuits she wants ?

my god if I could wield that kind of power I will NEVER GO HUNGRY AGAIN. legions of beta orbiters at my every whim and command pity dates and free food galore, FUCKING KINGS AND QUEENS.

OP keep the ricin on hand

 

[Ken Masters]

Met this girl who's doing the same course as me at Uni about a month ago and fell hard for her. She was the first girl I've ever fell for and because we shared plenty of the same interests(games) we became friends immediately but there's this other guy in our course who she's also friends with and he's closer to her than me and has broken the touch barrier far more .

You think you have a lot in common but mention one thing


And how attractive are you compared to this other guy? Beta GAF will tell you looks don't matter but for people who aren't blind if actually factors in

 

[Kopite]

You think you have a lot in common but mention one thing


And how attractive are you compared to this other guy? Beta GAF will tell you looks don't matter but for people who aren't blind if actually factors in

A ton of other stuff, manga, memes, TV shows,etc although it's primarily games.

I'm better looking than this other guy.I'm sure of it myself and I've asked a female friend too. He is more confident than me though.

 

[Zuhzuhzombie!!]

Go to the meeting and listen to what she says. If it's indeed a negative answer, DON'T drag it out. Tell her that doesn't change your feelings so to make it clear there's no back to normal friendship from here, you will still be after dat booty.

Yes, let's be even more of a creeper about it. That'll work.

 

[vikki]

OP, sorry you are not her number 1.

Be mature enough to let her be straight forward with you. She doesn't need to give you a reason why she doesn't like you, so why let her treat you like a child? When you go for coffee with her, just man up and let her know that it's okay that she doesn't like you.

 

[Ken Masters]

A ton of other stuff, manga, memes, TV shows,etc although it's primarily games.

I'm better looking than this other guy.I;m sure of it myself and I've asked a female friend too. He is more confident than me though.

When you mention magna/games/memes(that's a hobby?) they all fall into the "nerd" category


if you yourself admit the other guy is more confident then that's the issue, at this point you're done with her, I'm sorry

 

[kick51]

if you yourself admit the other guy is more confident then that's the issue, at this point you're done with her, I'm sorry

no but they have video games and manga in common, so your argument is invalid Ken Masters. go back to simping on Barbie while real Ken lays her the pipe.

 

[TacticalFox88]

Okay, best bet? Go to the meeting so A)She won't think you as rude and only wanted the pussy. and B)So you know exactly where she stands. Asks questions if you have too. But make sure you ask EVERY possible question you can think of to have as much closure as possible. Don't be aggressive asking, just be honest and let her know you want all the cards on the table

Then after the meeting is over, and you GENUINELY and ABSOLUTELY feel you CANNOT be "just friends" with her, man up, and then tell her. If she understands, great. If she doesn't, then that means she wasn't worth it in the first place.

 

[I'm an expert]

I don't know if this a newer generation thing..but liking people because of hobbies seems so alien to me. Sure they can be talking points and doing hobbies together with someone is great, but all the women I've liked/dated started off (of course) with physical attraction and then became about their personality, how they were around friends, whether they liked to laugh about the same shit I did, judge people how I did, had similar views on how to enjoy life..

I dunno, I don't think I've ever thought "wow, this girl likes dramas/games/basketball, now I'm interested!" It's fine if they do, but hell, most of the women I've dated didn't share the same hobbies I did..it was way more about how our ways of thinking meshed.

 

[Salvor.Hardin]

OP, how would you rate your looks against the other guy?

 

[Kopite]

OP, how would you rate your looks against the other guy?

I'm better looking.

 

[Ken Masters]

no but they have video games and manga in common, so your argument is invalid Ken Masters. go back to simping on Barbie while real Ken lays her the pipe.

can't tell if you're trolling or not

 

[Acorn]

There will be other girls. Dust yourself off and keep on keeping on.

 

[ron_bato]

Oh, and bring a tape recorder on Monday.

I'm seriously pulling for OP since I was in a similar situation once, that turned out favorably for me, so I wish OP nothing but the best.

but damn this post killed me because I remember enjoying this particular simpsons episode.

 

[bjb]

Dr. Jen Masters using the term "betaGAF". This thread is fucking gold lol

 

[shanshan310]

When you mention magna/games/memes(that's a hobby?) they all fall into the "nerd" category


if you yourself admit the other guy is more confident then that's the issue, at this point you're done with her, I'm sorry

Obviously her actual preferences don't matter. It's confidence beats looks beats personality. OP pulled rock when he should have gone with scissors.

Who is to say this other guy even factors in.

 

[ck2875]

OP, sorry you are not her number 1.

If she does mention she likes the other guy, do not fall for the "maybe, if things don't work out with him" thing. It so isn't worth the mental anguish of waiting around.

 

[Ken Masters]

Obviously her actual preferences don't matter. It's confidence beats looks beats personality. OP pulled rock when he should have gone with scissors.

Who is to say this other guy even factors in.

the fact he thinks he does at all is all that matters, girls can sense a timid shy guy a mile away. My friend is shy around ANY girl he finds attractive, I saw him try to approach a couple girls and it was like watching a car crash in slow motion, the girl knows a beta when they see one.

 

[Kopite]

I'm not shy around her, we wouldn't be close friends otherwise. I'm just saying that this guy is more confident like for example more comfortable with touching her.

 

[shanshan310]

the fact he thinks he does at all is all that matters, girls can sense a timid shy guy a mile away. My friend is shy around ANY girl he finds attractive, I saw him try to approach a couple girls and it was like watching a car crash in slow motion, the girl knows a beta when they see one.

uhhh what?

Firstly, being shy isn't necessarily a turn off. A guy who is a little nervous (as I would be) is a lot more attractive than some sleazy guy with an "I could get whoever I want" attitude to me. It really varies depending on the individual.

Secondly, he isn't approaching some random girl at a bar cold. He's asking out a friend, who already knows him and is familiar with his personality as well as his friend's. At this point the individual probably matters way more than any confidence things.

And finally, all "beta" to me means is "guy a PUA thinks is a wimp". Women don't actually separate the world into two categories.

 

[Ken Masters]

I'm not shy around her, we wouldn't be close friends otherwise. I'm just saying that this guy is more confident like for example more comfortable with touching her.

As long as the touching is natural and not forced or awkward, then touching should make a difference, unless this guy has his hands around her hip when they walk around

 

[Copenap]

Yes, let's be even more of a creeper about it. That'll work.

What's creepy about having a clear standpoint and not making a 180 just because of an innitial rejection?

 

[nomster]

I don't know if this a newer generation thing..but liking people because of hobbies seems so alien to me. Sure they can be talking points and doing hobbies together with someone is great, but all the women I've liked/dated started off (of course) with physical attraction and then became about their personality, how they were around friends, whether they liked to laugh about the same shit I did, judge people how I did, had similar views on how to enjoy life..

I dunno, I don't think I've ever thought "wow, this girl likes dramas/games/basketball, now I'm interested!" It's fine if they do, but hell, most of the women I've dated didn't share the same hobbies I did..it was way more about how our ways of thinking meshed.

I agree with this post completely. If anything, I always preferred not to have similar hobbies. I need that ME time.

 

[blame space]

What really matters is what you like, not what you are like... Books, records, films -- these things matter. Call me shallow but it's the fuckin' truth.

 

[TunaMarshmallow]

1. It's been a month. You've never been with her alone. In stating your compatibility you talk about fucking games. Get a grip. Seriously, get a grip. What you have is a child-like crush.

2. It's totally cool that you have a crush. And good on you -- sincerely -- for asking her out. Lots of guys miss that step. And it's much better to be (a) someone who communicates their feelings openly than (b) someone who maintains a friendship for years while harbouring resentment that the relationship never becomes sexual.

3. I encourage you to get beyond this shallow (and very recent!) "friendzone" concept. It's a silly myth that's been spread by self-involved, pathetic dudes who think they are owed sex by women. I doubt you're that kind of guy, so why talk like one? To these dudes, the natural or default relationship progression is supposed to be I like a girl -> we become friends -> I fall for her -> I tell her I like her -> we have a romantic relationship. These morons think that when the last part doesn't happen, they've got something to whine and complain about ("Ugh! Friendzoned!"). I'm normally much more inclined to feel sympathy for women who are constantly "sexzoned" by guys who misrepresent themselves as looking for an honest, simple friendship, when in fact they're trying to fuck. So, anyway, I hope you'll just drop the "friendzone" shit. it's an unhelpful way to look at things.

4. When you meet with her, if she asks more about your feelings, be honest but don't blow things out of proportion or say anything wild. Just tell her why you like her. And if she turns you down, just be cool about it and treat her like a human being.

 

[Septimius]

3. I encourage you to get beyond this shallow (and very recent!) "friendzone" concept. It's a silly myth that's been spread by self-involved, pathetic dudes who think they are owed sex by women. I doubt you're that kind of guy, so why talk like one? To these dudes, the natural or default relationship progression is supposed to be I like a girl -> we become friends -> I fall for her -> I tell her I like her -> we have a romantic relationship. These morons think that when the last part doesn't happen, they've got something to whine and complain about ("Ugh! Friendzoned!"). I'm normally much more inclined to feel sympathy for women who are constantly "sexzoned" by guys who misrepresent themselves as looking for an honest, simple friendship, when in fact they're trying to fuck. So, anyway, I hope you'll just drop the "friendzone" shit. it's an unhelpful way to look at things.

It's a descriptor. It works as such. You can argue that using the term is "beta", it's a useful differentiator for guys that need to understand why girls don't like them the way they like the girl. Being friends doesn't lead to a romantic relationship. This 'nice guy' fallacy is one that insecure guys cling to, because they feel it's logical that girls like them if they're nice. That does fall into the way you say they feel women 'owe' them sex. I don't think it's the case for OP, and I think the "friendzone" concept is a way to conceptualize that fact that if you aren't a romantic interest for a woman, just being a friend for them won't change that. I think the "friendzone" is a problem for guys that think being friends means ending up with something romantic. I'm sure there are tons of guys with good friendships with girls, that if they did decide to go for something more, would be able to build something. As such, "friendzone" is when the girl pulls away when the guy pushes.

That's why OP pulling will create a nice push-pull, that might spark an emotional reaction in this girl. Friendzone is only "everlasting" as much as the behaviour that makes the girl choose to be friends with OP continues to exist.

I don't think there's anything shallow (or recent) about "friendzone". It's a concept that's at least 20 years old. Joey of Friends, as an example, uses it in a very early episode to describe Ross' relationship to Rachel. It's a meaningful term to describe that you've done something wrong in your process of trying to swoon this girl, and your time would be better spent elsewhere, plus being cautious not to be 'used' by some girls that do that type of things to 'friendzoned' guys. So yeah, it's a shallow, but very meaningful concept. But that's the way of all things.

 

[Count Dookkake]

Keep fucking up. Hopefully it will be less spectacular each time.

Then you will be okay.

 

[Darkwater]

Keep fucking up. Hopefully it will be less spectacular each time.

Then you will be okay.

Pretty much the long and short of it, yeah.

 

[Ken Masters]

What really matters is what you like, not what you are like... Books, records, films -- these things matter. Call me shallow but it's the fuckin' truth.

Those things only partially matter, if there is no physical attraction it will never happen

 

[johnny_park]

I'm not shy around her, we wouldn't be close friends otherwise. I'm just saying that this guy is more confident like for example more comfortable with touching her.

You have a hard time touching her? Just picture her as your penis.

 

[Transhuman]

Those things only partially matter, if there is no physical attraction it will never happen

He's John Cusack-level good looking.

 

[Bedlam]

Okay, best bet? Go to the meeting so A)She won't think you as rude and only wanted the pussy. and B)So you know exactly where she stands. Asks questions if you have too. But make sure you ask EVERY possible question you can think of to have as much closure as possible. Don't be aggressive asking, just be honest and let her know you want all the cards on the table

What's the endgame here with this "cards on the table" thing? She knows he has a crush on her, he already knows she is not interested.The chemistry just isn't there, nothing you can do about it. There's no need to make it all awkward with a confrontation and building up pressure. The best way he could handle it at the meeting is make a little fun of the whole situation and telling her it's no big deal, he'll get over it.

Then after the meeting is over, and you GENUINELY and ABSOLUTELY feel you CANNOT be "just friends" with her, man up, and then tell her. If she understands, great. If she doesn't, then that means she wasn't worth it in the first place.

That's just awkward as well.

Sometimes it's just better to not overcomplicate things by talking too much.

What he should do afterwards is get a little distance between him and her (that doesn't mean he should completely ignore her at uni), give it some time and then, after a few months, see if it feels still weird being around her. If not, friendship it is!

 

[JDSN]

Only you decide to get friendzoned.

 

[NeOak]

You know us gals; we just live off of that attention. Can't be that we enjoy the friendship for what it is.

Oh come on Pau, i didn't mean it like that. You know about my situation lol. I meant that he needs distance for a while to cool off D:

OP, its up to you to decide what to do after reading all this. Whatever you choose, good luck.

 

[Sorcerer]

" I told her to think about it "

You were giving her an easy out right there.

Saying something like that implies you have the maturity to handle whatever she decides, even if its not in your favor.

I know I have made this mistake, you say things like this even though its not truly how you feel. But by saying it, it makes you seem you are super sensitive and only want whats best for her and you can be cool about it and remain friends.

It takes a strong person to truly say something like that and mean it.

 

[royalan]

I agree with both sides of the argument that's happened in the last few pages.

On one hand, OP should go to the meeting on Monday for the simple fact that he already told her he would. To not do so now would be rude.

However, I completely disagree with the idea that the OP should remain friends with the girl to spare her feelings in the fallout. OP needs to ask himself the honest question here: WHY are are you friends with her? If it is because you genuinely have a lot of common ground and a real invested friendship, and you can see yourself being strictly platonic friends with her? Then go ahead and continue being friends and hanging out. However, if you're being honest with yourself, and you know that your attraction and desire for something romantic was a major motivator for your interest, then you need to be honest about that and, in that case, there's absolutely NOTHING wrong with you saying "Look, I can't just be friends with you. I'm sorry, but I don't think we should hang out much anymore." It's honestly, the right thing to do. You deserve to find someone who really likes you, and you decrease the chances of that happening while you're playing tag-along with a girl who's not interested in you and who you can't let go of.

And, honestly, if you're already planning surprise parties and dropping the L-bomb after just one month, I think you know what category your intentions fall in here.


Also, whatever you do in the future, don't be that sap who says I love you and plans birthday parties after just knowing someone a month. It's NEVER a good look. You might think you're winning points by displaying your unwavering devotion in the early stages, but it's just weird. There's a difference between being a nice guy, and being:

You don't wanna be him.

 

[Izayoi]

Drop all contact, she is not interested in you. Get over it before you get deeper in.

Really. It sucks but there's nothing to be done about it.

Sorry, I know it's not what you want to hear, but the other dude is probably getting it in and they're keeping you in the dark about it.

 

[jongkookie]

I feel ya OP, went through something similar myself waaaay back. Still got that animosity going on even though it's been 2 years since I spilled the beans. Difference between you and me was that I was her #2, if she wasn't with her man, she was with me instead because I was her "best guy friend." Let's just say after a year I decided to quit playing second fiddle and went for it... didn't go so well but eh. Felt good and I was out of her grip.

But you screwed up with this "I love her" even though we've known each other for a month thing. That's called an infatuation or a crush. Also the reason why the other dude broke the "touch barrier" is coz he's done this before. Hell any man who knows how to play this game can easily break that after 2 weeks, and it's not about being an Alpha or whatever. The world isn't some kind of romanticized fiction where touching someone else will trigger a rush of emotions to get them hot and bothered.

However, I completely disagree with the idea that the OP should remain friends with the girl to spare her feelings in the fallout. OP needs to ask himself the honest question here: WHY are are you friends with her? If it is because you genuinely have a lot of common ground and a real invested friendship, and you can see yourself being strictly platonic friends with her? Then go ahead and continue being friends and hanging out. However, if you're being honest with yourself, and you know that your attraction and desire for something romantic was a major motivator for your interest, then you need to be honest about that and, in that case, there's absolutely NOTHING wrong with you saying "Look, I can't just be friends with you. I'm sorry, but I don't think we should hang out much anymore." It's honestly, the right thing to do.

Listen to this man, he knows what's up. By staying friends with her, you're basically not letting go and you're gonna be sitting there hoping she'll change your mind until y'alls friendship are toast.

Show up Monday, keep your dignity, end it and move on. Unless she was 1000% wife material and some unknown being told you she's your soulmate, it ain't worth the pain in trying to get another chance. There's tons of fish in the sea bro, you'll find one pretty quick if you know how to play your cards right.

 

[vikki]

What's the endgame here with this "cards on the table" thing? She knows he has a crush on her, he already knows she is not interested.The chemistry just isn't there, nothing you can do about it. There's no need to make it all awkward with a confrontation and building up pressure. The best thing he could handle it at the meeting is make a little fun of the whole situation and telling her it's no big deal, he'll get over it.

You got it right. There is no need for OP to constantly express that he likes her, she knows. There is no need for her to treat OP like a child, OP knows she doesn't want him. Suck it up and just be friends, you didn't get the girl this time.