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Dating-Age |OT4| Realise You're Living in the Golden Years
- Thread starter Minamu
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Liu Kang Baking A Pie
Member
We all have that. We grow confidence by recognizing that if an opportunity exists now, why the hell wouldn't another one exist later?
South Park riffed on this in the goth episode where Stan says he has to get Wendy back because she's the only person he'll ever have a shot at in his life. What you're saying is a cliche. You've got to break out of it.
Lone_Prodigy
Member
You manned up and got her number. That's half the battle already. Ask her out to coffee.
Great job man. I've been in many similar situations, but I never dared to ask the girl out like that. Doesn't sound like you were desperate or weird at all. You should be proud.
Femmeworth
Banned
I meant opportunities right now, I'm not that irrational.
youngwerther
Banned
Out of Working Order
Member
It was said with a sarcastic tone.
There's nothing to gain from taking offence, no. But how can I not? If everyone views me as a freak that has to buy a wife because no woman would want me, then how do you think that makes me feel? You think I can just ignore that?
first off, if you do have sex, she's going to know you're a virgin. please keep that in mind.
second off...
... hrm..
..
the way you describe this girl tells me that she'll probably wanna bang at the party (or after the party?) in which case be careful with whiskey dick. If you think that being a virgin is going to a) get in the way of a good time or b) too much to bear with this smoking hot girl who wants to get it on, let her know.
if she's actually interested in you then she'll work with you. If she's not and is just looking for someone to screw then she'll probably be turned off by the whole thing (and she wasn't worth the time anyway?)
electricshake
Member
Under other circumstances I would have walked away but that wasn't really an option. But he doesn't have my number so that helps - I would never give my number to someone I didn't want to contact me. As for the age thing, I don't have a problem with a few years difference but I have no interest in a middle aged man (especially one who is old enough to be my dad).
Devolution
Member
The sooner you give less of a fuck and stop overthinking a kiss, hug, intimacy or hell just about anything the better. If there's one thing dating-age does to its detriment all of the damn time is overthink. It's not a game of chess. If you fuck up oh well, it's not like you can fuck a whole relationship over by not timing a kiss properly, it just doesn't happen. If something goes sour it's because of a myriad of reasons but it's not because "oh man I totally didn't kiss her at 11:45:30 after the movie."
This does sound like good advice. Thanks.
hydrophilic attack
Member
Yeah, I feel really good about it today. Coffee's on for Thursday after work. I feel pretty nervous. How do I not fuck this up?
youngwerther
Banned
If I were you this is what would be going through my head -
1) I'd be thinking about and decide what my purpose for meeting her is and what I want from that.
2) Instead of feeling nervous I'd try to feel excited. Nervousness and excitement are the same feeling, it's just that in one case the feeling is being interpreted negatively and in the other case it's being interpreted positively. I'd try to channel my nervousness into positive thinking and feeling excited instead of afraid.
3) I wouldn't think too much about how it is going to go or what I will say. I would not think about it because I wouldn't want to put all of that on my mind, I would just want to feel the situation when I actually got there.
4) I would arrive in a good state of mind with the intention of having fun regardless of whatever else happens.
Hypereides
Gold Member
Sounds pretty condescending to me regardless of context. There's a stigma surrounding that phrase and it ain't exactly polite in any degree.
Kung Fu Jedi
Member
If that's the case, then you have to ask yourself if this is someone you're ready to lose your virginity to? If so, then you have your answer. You have to go to the party and see what happens. Take a deep breath, don't over think it and go for it. We've all been there before and we've all survived.
If this isn't someone you see yourself taking that step with just yet, then still go to the party and take things a bit slow. You can do all kinds of things without having sex and it'll still keep her interested and you can continue to see where things go.
If she isn't someone you ever see yourself being intimate with, then it's time to move on.
Sounds like you need new friends to me. It'd make me feel terrible as well, make no mistake. I wouldn't be able to ignore it either, but it's still a choice we make. That's all I'm saying
Use it as a catalyst instead to propel your life forward, and perhaps away from those people.That makes sense to me
Not much you could do under those circumstances, I agree. Ignoring the fact that he probably thinks you like him and will contact him, I think you handled it pretty well from the sound of things.I think I need help asap. This is terrible. I did something terrible.
Story: I work in a store. our store opens up seasonal stores. i went down this past week to set one up. there i met a girl. we worked literally side by side for almost 20 hours total. she is amazing. never in my life have i met a girl with a personality i liked more. never. and not sure i ever will again. anyway so i actually did good. she was laughing at my jokes. she accepted and enjoyed my compliments of her. and quite frankly she and i just went well together. she was sweet, soft spoken, cute, and funny. she just melted my heart.
but i never fucking asked her out. i don't know what the fuck i was thinking. did i have doubts still? maybe. maybe she was just being nice? but i had opportunities. she gave me opportunities. even at our final day together yesterday she went in to the back room as the day was leaving. ok sure, i was carpooling with coworkers, but i could have just told them to hold up. i probably used that as an excuse in the moment cause i was a little scared. fuck. fuck fuck. i am such a fucking idiot. i have never felt so terrible in my entire life. where am i ever going to meet a girl like this again...i have basically no opportunities to meet any girls, let alone one like this.
so now my only chance is to look like a desperate creeper and call the store down there? and if i do, what do i even say. if she answers, great. but i don't know when she works. i've calculated a 12.5% chance she is the one who answers. so i cannot count on that. so what do i do? tell the person who answers to tell me when she works next? tell the person who answers to give her my number? fuck. not even sure she'd call anyway based on her personality. and the longer i wait to act, the creepier it gets. and i cant just 'pop in' to the store one day. its a 40 minute drive with no backstory to cover while i am driving that far. my only hope would be to ask my manager if there are any supplies he needs me to bring to/from the store and hope she is there. but even that is a long shot of happening. i mean maybe i can tell him the situation and make an excuse to send me down. but that would be quite out of character for me and i don't see him agreeing to it. ok, now maybe, maybe ill get to go down when the store gets torn down. but that is 2.5 months away and a long shot anyway.
i feel helpless. go ahead tell me i am a failure and an idiot. i am. laugh. but there must be something that can be done. i cant feel this way and have it not happen. help me.
edit: probably nothing to be done but i needed to vent
Story: I work in a store. our store opens up seasonal stores. i went down this past week to set one up. there i met a girl. we worked literally side by side for almost 20 hours total. she is amazing. never in my life have i met a girl with a personality i liked more. never. and not sure i ever will again. anyway so i actually did good. she was laughing at my jokes. she accepted and enjoyed my compliments of her. and quite frankly she and i just went well together. she was sweet, soft spoken, cute, and funny. she just melted my heart.
but i never fucking asked her out. i don't know what the fuck i was thinking. did i have doubts still? maybe. maybe she was just being nice? but i had opportunities. she gave me opportunities. even at our final day together yesterday she went in to the back room as the day was leaving. ok sure, i was carpooling with coworkers, but i could have just told them to hold up. i probably used that as an excuse in the moment cause i was a little scared. fuck. fuck fuck. i am such a fucking idiot. i have never felt so terrible in my entire life. where am i ever going to meet a girl like this again...i have basically no opportunities to meet any girls, let alone one like this.
so now my only chance is to look like a desperate creeper and call the store down there? and if i do, what do i even say. if she answers, great. but i don't know when she works. i've calculated a 12.5% chance she is the one who answers. so i cannot count on that. so what do i do? tell the person who answers to tell me when she works next? tell the person who answers to give her my number? fuck. not even sure she'd call anyway based on her personality. and the longer i wait to act, the creepier it gets. and i cant just 'pop in' to the store one day. its a 40 minute drive with no backstory to cover while i am driving that far. my only hope would be to ask my manager if there are any supplies he needs me to bring to/from the store and hope she is there. but even that is a long shot of happening. i mean maybe i can tell him the situation and make an excuse to send me down. but that would be quite out of character for me and i don't see him agreeing to it. ok, now maybe, maybe ill get to go down when the store gets torn down. but that is 2.5 months away and a long shot anyway.
i feel helpless. go ahead tell me i am a failure and an idiot. i am. laugh. but there must be something that can be done. i cant feel this way and have it not happen. help me.
edit: probably nothing to be done but i needed to vent
Just drive down there and get her number. Fuck whatever. Do what you feel. You'll regret what you don't do more than what you do. At least that's what I tell myself after all the bad decisions I've made....
TruckDriver
Neo Member
Dude, you need to get out of that mindset ASAP. There are plenty of women out there - having the mentality of 'there's only one awesome amazing girl out there!' will make you seem desperate and whiny.
If you don't have many opportunities to meet people, then start making those opportunities. Hell, give online dating a whirl! It works well enough for me. But, I also have a mentality of abundance - there's plenty of great, viable women out there. No need to focus on one only.
Again, make those opportunities. Don't be afraid to ask someone out. Take the chance - I do my best to not let opportunities like that pass me up. If I like someone, and we're getting along well, I'll ask them out for drinks. Usually, it's not successful, but I'm not left thinking of 'what could have been'.
Out of Working Order
Member
Sounds like you need new friends to me. It'd make me feel terrible as well, make no mistake. I wouldn't be able to ignore it either, but it's still a choice we make. That's all I'm saying
There's nothing positive to take from this. It wasn't even a friend - just a work colleague.
I guess I really will have to get used to the idea of being alone forever. But I can't handle that.
His comment wouldn't have bothered me if I had had girlfriends before, but I've not. It cuts deep, certainly.
NeOak
Member
Just go, look for her and tell her that you forgot to ask her number. She is familiar with you, so it won't be weird or anything.
Relax though.
NeOak
Member
You could call and ask for her. It's not as awkward as you think since you worked there, so other people know who you are already.
level_e11even
Banned
You already have her number. She already AGREED to a date. Which means she is attracted to YOU. Stop right here. Think about it. She IS attracted to you.
Now let that settle in. See? Did that make you feel better? It must have, because it's not a one way street anymore as our mind makes it out to be. She's going out of her way to meet YOU my friend. She's interested.
So, now you should see this is as an opportunity. An opportunity to show her how great of a guy you are. But guess what? She'll want to show you how great of a girl she is!
Since you are man, you are required to take charge in situations, so you do have a bit more of a burden when compared to her, but just realize that all you have to do is be the best version of yourself; not someone else. She already likes what she sees, it's up to you to make her like who you are. Best part? You already like what you see, and you bet your ass she'll do the best she can so you can like who she is!
Good luck!
Oh hell no. There IS something to be done. You will get off your ass and GO to that place. It doesn't matter if you don't know when she'll be on. If you go on Monday, and she's not there, go on a Tuesday. What are the odd she'll be off 2 days consecutively? If it makes it easy on you, you could say you were on an errand and just happened to pass by. Tell her that you really had fun working with her, and that you simply FORGOT to ask for her number. Sound interested, but not needy. If she declines, you move on. But trust me, you'll regret it for a long time if you don't do something about it.
Hypereides
Gold Member
a.) Bullshit.
b.) Don't let a random degenerate comment from some irrelevant work colleague get under your skin. If that's what he thinks then he's not worth listening to.
But at the same time you gotta thicken your skin. Guys like that come by the million, and shit like that will always try to stand test on how mentally strong you are.
Fucks. Give none.
Don't let uneducated and uninformed sad excuses of shit dictate your thoughts.
Femmeworth
Banned
You're speaking to someone with anxiety disorders, overthinking for me is not going to go away so easily. I know it shouldn't be a game, yet I keep playing.
Count Dookkake
Member
Dating is like taking a shower.
We all have a pretty good idea of how showers work. There's a curtain or door, a basin or tub, a nozzle, and a knob or two.
If there are two knobs, sometimes the heat is on the left and sometimes it is on the right.
Sometimes the knobs turn in the same direction, sometimes opposite directions.
Now, do you need to know every possible combination of set-ups before you decide to wash your filthy ass? No. You try and see if it works. If you get burned, you adjust. If you are frozen, you adjust.
Don't let the details get in the way of what is a very simple premise.
We all have a pretty good idea of how showers work. There's a curtain or door, a basin or tub, a nozzle, and a knob or two.
If there are two knobs, sometimes the heat is on the left and sometimes it is on the right.
Sometimes the knobs turn in the same direction, sometimes opposite directions.
Now, do you need to know every possible combination of set-ups before you decide to wash your filthy ass? No. You try and see if it works. If you get burned, you adjust. If you are frozen, you adjust.
Don't let the details get in the way of what is a very simple premise.
hydrophilic attack
Member
Thanks for the advice. If you don't mind I'm gonna go ahead and try and give my thoughts on your points, for my own sake. Just to try and organize my thoughts a bit.
1) This one is difficult. We pretty much haven't said a word to each other, so I don't know anything about her at all. She could be really awesome, but for all I know she could be batshit crazy or a racist or whatever, so that I wouldn't want to spend any more time with her, but hopefully that's not very likely. So I think I will just see how it goes. If we hit it off, I would love for it to develop into something. Since basically it all started off with what seems to be mutual physical attraction, I think I should try to escalate things rather quickly so she doesn't become bored. But more than anything else, I just want it to be a good experience. Even if there is no chemistry, I want to have a fun time so that I'm not afraid of trying something like this the next time an opportunity presents itself with another girl. I realize now in hindsight that I have missed quite a few opportunities in my life. So basically, as long as the date is not an awkward unmitigated disaster, I will count it as a win and hopefully something that can add to my growing confidence. So to sum up, I'll try to not have unrealistic expectations, but to still have high hopes, if that makes sense.
2) Yeah, I do feel excited. Nervous and excited at the same time, lol. I guess you are right that they are two sides of the same coin.
3) Yeah, this is probably good advice. But due to my slight shyness and awkwardness (which I've been trying to work on recently) I guess I'm just afraid of awkward silences or the opposite: stupid mundane talk that I sometimes succumb to due to fear of awkward silences. I can anticipate that the start of the date is going to feel a bit awkward, since we pretty much haven't said a word to each other, so maybe I should at least prepare myself with some conversation starters, just in case I blank up? On the other hand, the fact that we don't know each other could work in our favour since there should be plenty to of things to talk about as we get to know each other during a short coffee meet-up.
4) Yeah, I agree with this. Regardless of how it goes, I should try to have a good time. Also, worrying less would likely make me less nervous.
Thanks for the encouraging words man! I have had self-esteem issues about my looks for a long time. I know I'm definitely not a looker. I have a nice face (but fucking weird teeth lol) and nice eyes, but I know shit about fashion, I badly need a haircut and my body sucks. (I'm not overweight, but I pretty much have no muscles at all. I've tried taking up running lately to do something about this but too little time because of too much work is sort of holding me back; I should think of this as encouragement to keep up with exercise.) I sometimes have these stupid thoughts that no one could find me attractive, which sort of makes me a bit shy and makes me less likely to engage flirtatiously with women, so I don't get much success. Which in turn feeds these stupid thoughts about my looks. I'm starting to realize that it's a negative feedback loop which makes me less likely to seize the opportunities that actually do present themselves. But it seems like I'm starting to break out of it. I should worry less about my looks and just try to put myself out there, like I did this time. If I do that, from time to time, I will find women who like what they see, even beautiful ones like this girl, who should be able to get much nicer-looking guys. This very encounter is proof that I can't be too bad.
But it's good to know that we both know there is mutual attraction. That should make it easier to escalate things if we both like who each other are too, and we wouldn't have to second-guess each other too much about whether there is attraction.
Well you wouldn't overthink a game, would you? If you overthink a game to the point where you're too nervous to do anything because you're afraid that you'll screw up, you would never win. You learn the basics and you play. If you lose, it's not the end of the world. You still get experience from failure, and that experience makes it less likely that you'll mess up again. Eventually you'll be a natural at it.
This is quite easy actually. Your goal for this meeting should be to simply get to know her better and learn about her background, interests, and find out whether you two are compatible with each other.
hydrophilic attack
Member
So, can I have some advice?
What's good to wear for a coffee date? I'll probably be going straight from work where I dress uber-casually. Typically jeans/jumper combo. Is this alright? I'm guessing for a coffee date you are not really supposed to be trying too hard clothes-wise. I could try a nice shirt instead, just to show that I'm trying to make an effort but this time of year that would probably be too cold.
That sounds sensible.
I'm overthinking this stuff. I should just go with the flow and try to have fun. That's what got me the date in the first place.
What's good to wear for a coffee date? I'll probably be going straight from work where I dress uber-casually. Typically jeans/jumper combo. Is this alright? I'm guessing for a coffee date you are not really supposed to be trying too hard clothes-wise. I could try a nice shirt instead, just to show that I'm trying to make an effort but this time of year that would probably be too cold.
That sounds sensible.
I'm overthinking this stuff. I should just go with the flow and try to have fun. That's what got me the date in the first place.
Anyone have any good tips on remaining restrained and getting over a girl even when you have to see her? I've decided I'm done pursuing this girl, yet she's still hanging out with us. The best part is that my best friend, who straight up said "I'm not interested in her in that way" has been flirting with her and is trying to make me look bad in the process by making fun of me and giving me shit.
I'm going over there again tonight, and they'll both be there. I'm done trying, but I still do have lingering affections for her, which means I'm just going to get mad again, but I don't want to say anything because my friend and I will get in a fight about it. I also still have to play soccer with these people tomorrow as well. Any tips? Obviously I'm not going to confront my friend about it tonight.
I'm going over there again tonight, and they'll both be there. I'm done trying, but I still do have lingering affections for her, which means I'm just going to get mad again, but I don't want to say anything because my friend and I will get in a fight about it. I also still have to play soccer with these people tomorrow as well. Any tips? Obviously I'm not going to confront my friend about it tonight.
That sounds perfectly fine. As long as you don't look like a slob, you're good.
A Human Becoming
More than a Member
I had sex with the chick I was talking about. While she enjoyed herself (or did a decent job faking it), I didn't. I couldn't even climax, which has never happened before. I kept it up for a good length of time but I just didn't find her attractive. Her picture on OkCupid made her out to have a nice face, which wasn't the case in person.
I will never, EVER have sex again for the sake of having sex. It may be sometime before I even want sex again. I feel so shitty about myself. I'm probably an asshole for saying this (so be it), but afterwards during dinner when I looked at her sometimes I would picture her vagina which made me feel sick.
Count Dookkake
Member
Pro-tip: you can look at her face before deciding to fuck her.
Also, you are not obligated to have sex if you are not feeling it. It's not just for girls.
Also, you are not obligated to have sex if you are not feeling it. It's not just for girls.
NeOak
Member
What a good friend.
A Human Becoming
More than a Member
I don't know what I was thinking. Apparently not clearly.
Don't do it. Just take a break from that gang and hook up with some other people for a little bit. Next time you see your friend alone, tell him you'd appreciate it if he would quit being such an ass and leave you out of his game.
beat
Member
Go after other girls. It will probably take some time to get over her, but it'll happen faster if you don't keep dwelling on it.
Distract yourself in other ways too. Get started or re-started on a hobby (besides this soccer thing).
Compartmentalize any romantic feelings for her apart from being friends with her and apart from being friends with your friend. (I don't know if this is healthy in the long run. But it'll help you keep it together on the outside in the short run.)
I take it this is a group thing tonight? Don't spend that much time with your friend and/or this girl tonight. I'm not saying ice them out or give them the cold shoulder, but if they know what's up and they're your friends, they should do the humane thing and give you some space.
Separately from all that, there's really no reason why your friend shouldn't flirt with her esp now that you're not gonna go after her, but he doesn't have to insult you in the process and he shouldn't. If I were you, I'd talk to him about this part in particular, but do it one on one.
Devolution
Member
I had sex with the chick I was talking about. While she enjoyed herself (or did a decent job faking it), I didn't. I couldn't even climax, which has never happened before. I kept it up for a good length of time but I just didn't find her attractive. Her picture on OkCupid made her out to have a nice face, which wasn't the case in person.
I will never, EVER have sex again for the sake of having sex. It may be sometime before I even want sex again. I feel so shitty about myself. I'm probably an asshole for saying this (so be it), but afterwards during dinner when I looked at her sometimes I would picture her vagina which made me feel sick.
This is why doggy style was invented. Neither party has to look each other in the face.
A Human Becoming
More than a Member
That was her favorite position we did. Didn't help much.
Devolution
Member
Well be less desperate next time and don't fuck someone you consider ugly.
A Human Becoming
More than a Member
Yep. I learned my lesson.
PsihoPerihelion
Member
lol ok, so after a month of meeting with this really cool gal and hanging out a good couple of times I declared to her. No, I didn't said that I love her like that dude did the other day on a thread.
Long story short, we celebrated my birthday together yesterday. We had a god damn blast during the day, she gave me a couple of amazing presents and then, at the end of the day, I told her. She was absolutely nervous and so do I. Basically her answer was that she felt comfortable next to me and has enjoyed the hell out of this past few weeks meeting each other, but is not ready for a relationship. She broke up with a guy like 3 months ago and feels that is not ready yet to start something new. She didn't close the doors to have something, but she wouldn't change for anything in the world what we have right now, at this moment.
I know that for many, declaring yourself is dumb, ineffective, childish or whatnot, but that's the way I am and I'd rather fail doing things as myself than faking being someone else just for "some pussy" like a douche (no offense to anyone, just personal experience)
So Gaf, imadeahugemistake.gif ? What's next?
Long story short, we celebrated my birthday together yesterday. We had a god damn blast during the day, she gave me a couple of amazing presents and then, at the end of the day, I told her. She was absolutely nervous and so do I. Basically her answer was that she felt comfortable next to me and has enjoyed the hell out of this past few weeks meeting each other, but is not ready for a relationship. She broke up with a guy like 3 months ago and feels that is not ready yet to start something new. She didn't close the doors to have something, but she wouldn't change for anything in the world what we have right now, at this moment.
I know that for many, declaring yourself is dumb, ineffective, childish or whatnot, but that's the way I am and I'd rather fail doing things as myself than faking being someone else just for "some pussy" like a douche (no offense to anyone, just personal experience)
So Gaf, imadeahugemistake.gif ? What's next?
You're not living a Victorian-era romance novel. Stop confessing and declaring, stop sitting around planning and overthinking, and stop having talks about your feelings. No one gives a shit about your feelings, especially someone who isn't your girlfriend.
I think you did the right thing by telling her how you feel. It's better to be upfront about your feelings IMO, and if she needs a little more time to get over her past relationship, so be it.
Count Dookkake
Member
You getting enraged when she starts dating some other dude in the near future.
"SHE LIED TO ME" or some variant.
Play it cool.
NeOak
Member
I was going to post that i just did something like this and i got shot down because she ended a relationship like a month ago lol. I had a talk about where we were and that is actually worse. It's liberating, but man, it kills your chances.
Just don't talk about feelings. Ride it out and stop trying to put a name on it. The moment you try to name it its when it crashes. You can recover if you never mention it again, but it's tough since you already are at a disadvantage. Oh and yeah, being out of a relationship after 3 months is a valid reason.
Just do not pursue it anymore. She already knows you like her, so let her start to like you.
^
It's good to get past the "what should i do?" phase, but as long as he plays it cool it will be fine.
PsihoPerihelion
Member
That works for you because you are a keeper, based EviLore.
I won't be anyone's token friend. She does that and it's fucking over. It sounds mean but I'm sorry, I won't be on that position ever again.
Weirdly enough, I told her because all the signs of it being mutual were there. Without a single fucking doubt. So the answer was kinda weird. Maybe I should have kissed her and that's it, but man, that's not how I use to do things and knowing how she is (we have been going on dates for a month but I know her for a couple of years) it would have been a bigger mistake.
Everyone just get the eff out with the "just kiss her, that's how it always works" thing. I've been there and it hasn't worked. I have friends that have done it. Works for some, doesn't for the rest.
She told me that it would hate to not see me anymore (we all know sometimes girls just send you to Belize after you declare) and we will keep hanging out, so is not like the world's over or anything, but I'm damn sure that it wasn't the right moment to tell her.
Count Dookkake
Member
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