Uncle0wnage
Member
My date went pretty well, ended with a kiss, so that's a good sign. Lots of Laughing and smiles were had. This is so weird, after two years without a date, I was starting to think I'd never date again, haha. There is hope, guys!
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Dating-Age |OT4| Realise You're Living in the Golden Years
- Thread starter Minamu
- Start date
- Status
Well this girl who I texted and seemingly fucked up with? I spotted her studying alone at the foyer today. Debated whether I should avoid her or just go up and say hi. Decided to do the latter and had a pretty cool convo. Found out that she's from my town(although she lives on campus). Even managed to joke about the texting later and I managed to avoid self-deprecating myself. Didn't metion anything about drinks or lunch though, should I have done that?
RE touch barrier(
) , we high fived.
RE touch barrier(
Alright, so I asked this girl out for coffee. I haven't seen her since high school, but I've been having some talks with her on Facebook and we just see eye to eye on so many things.
I purposefully didn't hint at it being a date because I don't know her situation and, to be honest, I can see myself being really good friends with her regardless. What's a good way to broach the subject and finding out if she's available and interested when I see her? We'll be catching up on the past 8 years, so is it a good/bad idea to bring up relationships at all?
In other news, hooked up with a girl over the weekend. Wasn't my first time doing so or anything, but it was the first time I was really the one to initiate, so that felt pretty damned good. It's definitely making me feel more comfortable with initiating physical contact. Downside was I had way too much to drink so I wasn't exactly able to perform...though I still enjoyed myself by getting her off. But yeah...lesson learned...call it quits before 15 drinks next time.
I purposefully didn't hint at it being a date because I don't know her situation and, to be honest, I can see myself being really good friends with her regardless. What's a good way to broach the subject and finding out if she's available and interested when I see her? We'll be catching up on the past 8 years, so is it a good/bad idea to bring up relationships at all?
In other news, hooked up with a girl over the weekend. Wasn't my first time doing so or anything, but it was the first time I was really the one to initiate, so that felt pretty damned good. It's definitely making me feel more comfortable with initiating physical contact. Downside was I had way too much to drink so I wasn't exactly able to perform...though I still enjoyed myself by getting her off. But yeah...lesson learned...call it quits before 15 drinks next time.
beat
Member
Is this the girl from your thread? If so, then I think you did good to avoid asking about drinks or lunch.
If it's literally anyone else, then you might as well have asked.
NeOak
Member
he's talking about girl #2, so your first paragraph applies.
Funny that you mention OkCupid, because I got a number from there over the weekend, texted a few times, and it looks like the interest has fizzled; the girl hasn't responded in over several hours. The ball is in her court but I'm getting ready to move on because I have bigger fish to fry. In retrospect, I think I should've cut the crap and cut straight to setting up a meet up date.
I see what you're saying though. I have to put aside my personal struggles to take a risk, open my mouth and jump through the rabbit hole. Homework assignments are overbearing as they tend to consume my thoughts, but that doesn't I should punish myself by not being social as a result that.With assignments, I have to set aside my dedicated time for it so it won't interfere with other aspects of my life.
Better sooner than later when I'm castigating myself after the semester is over wondering what could've been which has been typically the case virtually every semester. I think I'll wake up tomorrow, look at myself in the mirror, take a deep breath, and smile. Hell, every day I'm going to do that; remind myself what makes me me and keep a positive outlook. I'm a good looking guy but there's a lot of times where I don't feel like I am on the inside partly due to academics, partly due to other things but ultimately, like you said, the only thing stopping me from getting stuff done is that I need to believe in myself and not be afraid to make mistakes.
1. Because every Monday, I take my big ass portfolio bag to school/class to work on homework before the next class. I have a bunch of art supplies in there and I'm usually working on assignments to the very end of class. My class ends at 8:15; there's girls that get ready to pack by 8 and out the door by 8:10; I usually leave around 8:30-9PM which is long after the class has ended.
2. I know but Evilore addressed my question; if the feelings are good between both parties, then it's best to exchange numbers in that moment than make an excuse and put it off for another day. Which is basically what you said. I have it in me to do it since I'm a pretty good conversationalist; I just have to tell that little negative voice in my head to shut the hell up.
3. I'd figure as much. On Wednesday night, I'm going to make sure that I get a seat near her and leave with her at the end of class. I remember her giving me a puzzled look when I last spoke to her since I had a feeling English wasn't her first language because of her accent but I didn't say anything.
4. That's the thing; I don't know if she's asking for attention or something else. I suppose I'll hang back, observe, and take action accordingly.
As for that cosplayer girl, I think you could've done it and had time to spare. You could've charmed the guy off, made conversation with both of them, then proceeded to chat with the cosplayer. But there'll be another time so I appreciate it.
No response to this yet, but anyways I'm just thinking this through.
Would it be terrible to just be really blunt?
"So, are you seeing anyone?"
"No? Are you interested in being more than friends to see where this goes?"
Not sure if that sounds weird/cheesy/creepy or not. I don't think she's the type to beat around the bush, and neither am I.
Don't really care if I get rejected or not. Again, she's pretty damned cool and I'd be fine with being friends. But hey, I want to see if there's anything else there before I get friendzoned permanently.
The Artful Dodger
Member
Usually they have a sign stapled to the back of their neck.
You're going to have to talk to them.
I would assume most girls aren't, unless you're attending Bible college or something.
You're going to shoot down a lot of potential matches this way, but if religion/politics are important to you, maybe bring them up in conversation. I personally rather find out about a girl's religious and political views sooner rather than later, so I don't mind talking about them. I couldn't really respect a girl who's deeply religious, and if she were it would never work out in the end, so it's not something I'm against bringing up. If you're just looking to get laid, bad idea though heh.
And therein lies my problem in finding a girl...I'm way too friggin' particular. Physical attraction is not enough. Mutual respect is a must. Intelligence, free-thinking, and ambition are what I'm most attracted to in a girl. I've been on dates where I just feel like I just can't respect the girl, so it never really ends up amounting to much.
Intelligence is just so damn attractive isn't it?
My last girl was a high school dropout, with religious beliefs, yet she fucked quick.
But god damn was she stupid.
I want a smart girl that's dowwnnnn.
And my problem is, I'm extremely atheist. Like, I don't believe in shit at all basically. We die and then there's darkness forever. I think some people are scared of those types of beliefs, and they wrongly judge me as not caring about anyone because, "what's the point, were just gonna die". But that's bullshit.
My last girl was a high school dropout, with religious beliefs, yet she fucked quick.
But god damn was she stupid.
I want a smart girl that's dowwnnnn.
And my problem is, I'm extremely atheist. Like, I don't believe in shit at all basically. We die and then there's darkness forever. I think some people are scared of those types of beliefs, and they wrongly judge me as not caring about anyone because, "what's the point, were just gonna die". But that's bullshit.
That seems like a great potential opener.
I'd say yes to the first line but no to the second line. Nothing wrong with asking if shes seeing someone and talking about that kind of stuff, obviously it's something that is on everyone's mind and might be an easy way to find some common ground and further things to talk about.
Don't think I'd outright ask if they want to be more than friends though. I'd just express/show my interest in a different way.
AdventureRacing
Member
It can definitely work for some but i don't like to be so blunt and just ask if someone is single. If they are and you have some chemistry once you start interacting you'll probably find out naturally soon enough.
Too bad no one's commented on any of them yet.
I used a Simpsons one once ("here's your turtle: alive and well") and a couple people commented on it but no one understood the reference (got a "why do you have a turtle?" and "turtles are cute" lol).
beat
Member
I used to be a big Simpsons fan and even I'd think that's a deep cut of a quote. I very likely would have missed it as a Simpsons quote in that context. Well, I might google it because it looks like a quote, but I definitely wouldn't just know it.
level_e11even
Banned
No, no, no. Fuck that. Go see her within the week.
See, this is the problem with guys thinking they have to "look" a certain way to these girls. You want to wait a month so you don't look needy, right? Then you're no longer doing this for you, but for her sake. Going back sooner rather than later actually makes you look confident; like a man that knows what he wants and knows what he's doing.
You know what you want? Her number. Then go get it. Whatever happened happened, so you gave your number instead. If she doesn't call you back for whatever reason (working in a restaurant she probably gets hit on every day), then pass by and tell her you're free this weekend and that you'd love to take her out. That's it. This will inevitably net you her number. If she declines, then you move on.
But never let the window of opportunity close. If you wait just to appear a certain way, someone else will take it from you.
Remember, know what you want and go after it. Be always indifferent of other people's perception of you. Life is so much... liberating that way.
level_e11even
Banned
That's tough, primarily because women often conceal their flirtatious and/or naughty side due to societal notions. If your girl happens to be just shy, then conversation is key to find out how OK she is with intimacy. If at any moment she's fine with being flirtatious, then she's probably just shy and needs a little push.
Other girls just need time. If you like her company, and you think she's long-term relationship material, then be willing to put in work. Wouldn't be surprised if a couple of months pass by until your first time with her.
If she's not ever flirtatious or just seems closed off when it comes to intimacy (like having an issue with second base), then she's most likely very conservative about sex.
Either way, at this point the conversation will stop being about signs and innuendo; you'll have to ask her if she's one of those simply waiting for the right guy. In which case, of course, it's time to GTFO.
But, there's no outwardly way to tell. Conversation is key.
(Tip: Don't initiate such conversation with a question [women are very good at finding indirect meanings behind them]. Simply be generally flirtatious with her, and then gauge her level of response; that should give you a good idea of where to go from there.)
Ok GAF, I have a situation I am confused about.
About a month ago, a girl I know through mutual friends calls me up out of the blue asking what I'm doing. I've hung out with this girl a few times and she's pretty cool but I wouldn't say we were very close. I ask her what's up and she tells me she's having a really bad day since she her (now ex) had hit her the evening before. I'm like "WTF" and ask if she'd like to meet somewhere to talk, to which she agrees.
So we meet - she's wearing shades to cover the bruises on her eye, and she's basically lays it out to me - she's been trying to make something work with this guy for the longest time since the have a kid together but he's basically a drug addict and has gambling problems.
Long story short - she's had enough of the guy and wants to move on. I tell her good! I agree, that's exactly what you should do, and that she deserves better and that she shouldn't feel pressured to stay with someone just because he happens to be the biological father of her child (I explain that I feel there's a big difference between being a father and being a dad.) And that if he has hit her then what more the child when she's older.
Fast forward to today, and we've been spending quite some time together, at least thrice a week we'd meet up for something (dinner, movie, coffee, drinks, whatever.) She seems to be making good progress though distancing herself from the ex and she's slowly putting some semblance of a life back together without the abusive BF.
A lot of our friends have noticed us together a lot and have been asking if we were dating, etc. They even make an effort to keep us together (just last week we were at a friend's party and they'd make space for me to sit next to her) I've always been honest though and say we are just friends.
A week ago she sends me a text message saying thank you for everything and how you are such a good friend, blah blah. I am thinking ok, sounds like she just friend zoned me.
Now let me be fair - I've enjoyed her company, and the thought of proper dating this girl has crossed my mind, but a) it's far too soon considering she just broke up and b) she's got a lot of baggage which I still need to process whether I'd be willing to deal with. (having a kid is a big one) So in a way this was actually not such a huge issue for me.
Now just last weekend, we ended up at a house party with some friends, and at one point I am talking to a mutual friend and she asks me how me and this girl are doing. I again just say "we're just friends." Then she tells me "You know she really likes you, you should ask her out." I trust this person and have no reason to doubt what she is saying (apart from me, the mutual friend is the only other person this girl approached regarding her abusive ex)
So now I'm just confused. I doubt we would be spending the amount of time that we are together if there wasn't at least some sort of attraction (and it's not like she doesn't have other friends - she is actively choosing to spend time with me) but at the same time I'm just confused by the friendzone text I got. Now with someone who I believe to be reliable telling me I should go for it it just adds to the confusion.
At the moment, I'm inclined to not do anything differently and just let things play out. A few more signals I feel are needed on my part to really determine which way to go or not. But I think GAFs opinion might be interesting to hear on this. What would you guys do?
About a month ago, a girl I know through mutual friends calls me up out of the blue asking what I'm doing. I've hung out with this girl a few times and she's pretty cool but I wouldn't say we were very close. I ask her what's up and she tells me she's having a really bad day since she her (now ex) had hit her the evening before. I'm like "WTF" and ask if she'd like to meet somewhere to talk, to which she agrees.
So we meet - she's wearing shades to cover the bruises on her eye, and she's basically lays it out to me - she's been trying to make something work with this guy for the longest time since the have a kid together but he's basically a drug addict and has gambling problems.
Long story short - she's had enough of the guy and wants to move on. I tell her good! I agree, that's exactly what you should do, and that she deserves better and that she shouldn't feel pressured to stay with someone just because he happens to be the biological father of her child (I explain that I feel there's a big difference between being a father and being a dad.) And that if he has hit her then what more the child when she's older.
Fast forward to today, and we've been spending quite some time together, at least thrice a week we'd meet up for something (dinner, movie, coffee, drinks, whatever.) She seems to be making good progress though distancing herself from the ex and she's slowly putting some semblance of a life back together without the abusive BF.
A lot of our friends have noticed us together a lot and have been asking if we were dating, etc. They even make an effort to keep us together (just last week we were at a friend's party and they'd make space for me to sit next to her) I've always been honest though and say we are just friends.
A week ago she sends me a text message saying thank you for everything and how you are such a good friend, blah blah. I am thinking ok, sounds like she just friend zoned me.
Now let me be fair - I've enjoyed her company, and the thought of proper dating this girl has crossed my mind, but a) it's far too soon considering she just broke up and b) she's got a lot of baggage which I still need to process whether I'd be willing to deal with. (having a kid is a big one) So in a way this was actually not such a huge issue for me.
Now just last weekend, we ended up at a house party with some friends, and at one point I am talking to a mutual friend and she asks me how me and this girl are doing. I again just say "we're just friends." Then she tells me "You know she really likes you, you should ask her out." I trust this person and have no reason to doubt what she is saying (apart from me, the mutual friend is the only other person this girl approached regarding her abusive ex)
So now I'm just confused. I doubt we would be spending the amount of time that we are together if there wasn't at least some sort of attraction (and it's not like she doesn't have other friends - she is actively choosing to spend time with me) but at the same time I'm just confused by the friendzone text I got. Now with someone who I believe to be reliable telling me I should go for it it just adds to the confusion.
At the moment, I'm inclined to not do anything differently and just let things play out. A few more signals I feel are needed on my part to really determine which way to go or not. But I think GAFs opinion might be interesting to hear on this. What would you guys do?
Booooo
Oh well. I don't get many messages anymore after putting the "I only want friends!" line in my profile, so it doesn't really matter if the one or two a month that do message me recognize it or not haha. All goes to plan.
I think the major thing you should consider is exactly what you mentioned - is she worth it? From what you posted I didn't get any vibe that you seemed infatuated with her or something along those lines. Which is fine, but in my opinion the first thing you should do is find out if you really want to pursue this or not. You want to take into consideration your future, her child, her abusive ex (who will most likely get involved in all this if he has rights to see the child) and so on.
If after you contemplate all this you decide that she is definitely worth it, then I disagree with your last statement of "waiting things out for more cues." If you think she's worth the shot, and someone else told you she has the hots for you, then your next step should be to call her up and ask her out on a date. Like, literally use that magic word - no more hang outs. If things go south you have a solid excuse (not that you need an excuse for wanting to date someone) but it's a better cushion than nothing.
Chances are she is waiting for you to make a move, and if both of you do nothing but wait and take no action, then nothing will happen.
I arranged a 'date' with that girl and this morning we met up for coffee, had a bite to eat and just sat talking for ages. We discussed our interests, likes, dislikes and general life issues. I then bought up everything she had said - a bold move, I know - and it turns out she's not as crazy as she originally seemed. She does still want children and marriage but further down the line, not now. We've decided we're going to go on another date but we'll take it slow - that said, the date today ended up with a cheeky kiss.
Kung Fu Jedi
Member
Agree with all of this. If you think this girl is worth it, then show it. Take charge of the situation and ask her out on a real date. But if you're content with the hangouts and really don't want to take it to the next level with her, you should be happy with just having her as a friend.
My guess is that she is waiting for you to make a move. A lot of women don't want to be the one to do that. They want a guy to step up, show some confidence and confirm that they have similar feelings as well. That's why we have to put ourselves out on the limb a lot more often than women do.
As for her text message, it is probably just a way for her to say she cares about you and appreciates you, without stepping over that line and out onto that limb. She's hinting around about her feelings, but isn't ready to come clean until you are.
Omegasquash
Member
It's the little shit that you can never prepare for. That said, it's also the little stuff that can pick your day right back up.
MacGurcules
Member
This is truth. I was fairly despondent after my recent breakup. The one thing that turned my attitude 180 was waking up one morning and seeing a batch of beer I made finally start fermenting. It was practically nothing. But having one little thing go right, one little thing to look forward to, made all the difference somehow.
Yet another update. Finally cooled off after Friday night, and ended up going Saturday. Ended up having a lot of fun and nothing happened. Sunday after our game we went out to eat (the three of us), and I ended up driving her. We talked for a little bit on the way back, and she told me that she "knew why I was mad on Friday night." It really freaked me out but I didn't say anything about it to her (come to find out, my friend covered for me and told her I was mad for a different reason). We also somehow got on the conversation of her and guys and how she said she was usually oblivious to if guys liked her, and that she had bad luck with the ones she liked never asked her out. I highly doubt she was hinting at me to say something.
After I dropped her off, my friend called me and we finally talked. Turns out the person I talked to misquoted what he said about him not being interested, and that he was but had no plans on doing anything about it. He said that he was being a little flirty, but that he didn't mean anything by it. I believed him and actually felt a lot better after talking to him.
After I got home, I thought it would be funny to text her acting like I was going to confess my love for her or something by saying "I want to talk to you about something important" and then after that I just made some random bullshit comment about musical tastes. It was clearly a joke, and she acted like it was funny, but she also made several remarks as to how she was "scared" about what I was about to ask her :| Not quite the response I was hoping for.
I keep saying to myself that I should just leave her alone for a few days and see if she says anything to me or initiates a conversation, but I get antsy and try to come up with an excuse to say something to her.
Not sure if you're looking for advice but I'll share my two cents. I had a similar situation awhile back where I liked girl, she didn't reciprocate, best friend said he wasn't interested in her, but they ended up dating sort of thing. It sucked at the time, I will admit. But my friend was nice enough to not third wheel me on dates. So I pretty much stopped seeing her and pretended she didn't exist when me and my friend hung out until I got over it.
However, I'm a bit confused by your actions. You said you're trying to get over her and what not, so why did you send that "I have something important to tell you" text to her? Was it really just for shits and giggles? You said you thought it'd be funny but afterwards claim that it was not what you were hoping for. What were you hoping for exactly?
I advise that you re-evaluate your feelings for her to find out if you are really trying to get over her or not. You first have to make a decision within yourself about what your course of action is. The choices are pretty simple: you either try to move on or you try to get with her. But it is important to know at least for yourself where you stand. Once you've firmly made your decision then you can proceed accordingly. Being in limbo with your own emotions and being only reactionary to what comes is no good in my opinion.
When I said it wasn't what I was hoping for, I meant I didn't even think about that aspect of what I was doing. I thought it would be a funny joke, and after I did it, it kinda felt like a shitty thing to do. I was never expecting her to say she was scared, and that's what I meant by I didn't get the reaction I wanted. I was hoping she would just think it was funny. I will say though, I don't think a girl who liked me would say she was scared of what I was going to ask.
I will admit I am kinda waffling back and forth. On the one hand, I'm pretty sure she doesn't like me, and I know I need to move on. On the other side I'm still attracted to her and have some slight hope that I still have a shot. It's crappy and I need to make up my mind. I've even thought about just telling her how I feel, just to get it over with, but I'll be honest in saying I don't really know how I feel. I also really enjoy being friends with her, and I'd rather not risk us being cool with each other. It's a shitty situation, and I spend a whole lot of time trying to think about what to do without any real results.
MacGurcules
Member
Well, look at it this way: if a girl you're interested in acted like she was coming on to you and then went, "Psyche!" you'd try to play it off cool, too, right? It's easily possible she was trying to clue you into asking her out and then when you didn't she tried to save face. I guess I wasn't there, but if a girl tells you that none of the guys she's into ever ask her out, that's when you ask her out. This is why it pays to be upfront with your intentions.
Update on meeting her friends and what comes next and some needed advice (hooray complication)
We met up at a bit of a dive bar and I hit it off with them really well. After having some drinks I followed her home on her request to eat dinner that we picked up along the way and watch a movie (The Devil's Rejects, she loves horror films). She passes out and I finish the movie and then watch Risky Business then go in to crash with her. We had crashed together (no sex) 2 other times so far.
After leaving her place and getting back to my apartment the next morning I think, uh oh... We have been spending a lot of time together already and been messaging a ton. We definitely need to dial it back. It turns out that she was thinking the same thing, I messaged to say good night saturday and she messaged me back Sunday around noon. I could tell that something was off because she had been messaging me a lot and that just stopped on Saturday. She said we are still OK, just that she thought things were moving fast and last night said that she needed some time.
Normally, "some time" is death to an already exclusive relationship but I need some assistance figuring out what that means here. I am really thinking just take a week or so off with minimal contact and then contact her to see if she wants to hang out again.
Here is how the week played out:
Sunday, first date - met at a busy Starbucks, got coffee went back to her appartment, ate homemade chili that she talked up before and talked for 5-6 hrs. She messaged me after I got home, and we msgd until 2:30 am. She said that she told me some stuff that she doesn't normally say and I replied that her honesty and openness was refreshing.
Monday, she messages me at 8:30 in the morning, says she is free after 5 and we should so something and she had a very good time talking. We message back and forth and I end up taking over stuff to make dinner at her place. We cook, eat, have some wine, watch classic Disney and both start to get tired. That is when I say I should probably be going and she said that I could crash with her if I wanted. I did, just a bunch of cuddling and talking.
Tuesday, she msgs in the morning saying thanks for coming over last night. She initiated a lot of this messaging. We msg throughout the work day and asks when do I want to hang out again. I said anytime. She goes out with friends and then msgs me when she gets back. She says that she likes me but I need to meet her friends.
Wednesday, She msgs in the morning and says that she wants to see me again before Friday. I talk her in to seeing Gravity that night which she did not have high expectations for but ended up absolutely loving it. I dropped her off without a kiss, due to the msg about being nervous making wet contact with me (she said this never happens) earlier in the day. On my way home she says that she is kind of sad there wasn't a kiss... I promised to make that up.
Thursday, general msging, no plans to hang out until her car battery dies and she contacts me... I end up helping her diagnose the issue, meeting her at a shop incase they cant get it in before they close. We go eat dinner and she invites me to come hang out again... We watched house of 1000 corpses and then we crash together again. No kissing because she developed some canker sores as a side effect of her ulceritive colitis.
I already explaned what happened on Friday.
So dating GAF, this seems like a good thing (just a little too much too soon) right? I mean, she expressed many times that she dug me and really hoped that my friends liked me...
There is potential here for something really special I think and we both just got in a little over our heads too quickly.
What say you?
Kung Fu Jedi
Member
Why are you still screwing around with this? Just ask her out, but do it in a casual way. Not in a way that is going to make her uncomfortable. It is possible to ask someone out, have them decline and still remain friends. Also, the text message thing just comes across as manipulative to someone standing on the outside.
Man-up and ask her out already. Just say, "Would you like to go to dinner with me sometime?" and take it from there.
beat
Member
This. Do exactly and only what Kung Fu Jedi says here. Don't "just tell her how you feel" beforehand, don't do another fake-out, don't make a big thing of it. Do be casual, keep it together if she says yes, and keep it together if she says no.
You say you want to move on, but you're actively not moving on, you're staying stuck. You're keeping yourself in limbo here, and it's the worst option you could have picked for yourself.
edit: one more thing. About your best friend: talk to him directly in the future, instead of circling around by asking a mutual friend. Involving a third party makes for more chances to miscommunicate. At least confirm with him what your mutual friend told you.
stn
Member
omgkitty
What I would say, word for word: "Hey [___], can I interest you in grabbing a coffee with me? I'd like to get to know you." She says yes? Keep your cool, plan the time. She says no? Make a joke of it, move on. DO NOT tell her about your feelings. You don't have feelings, you have an infatuation with her looks (I was in this same spot just weeks ago). I cannot stress this point enough!
What I would say, word for word: "Hey [___], can I interest you in grabbing a coffee with me? I'd like to get to know you." She says yes? Keep your cool, plan the time. She says no? Make a joke of it, move on. DO NOT tell her about your feelings. You don't have feelings, you have an infatuation with her looks (I was in this same spot just weeks ago). I cannot stress this point enough!
You have to do what feels right, man. Only you know what's really going on with that relationship as none of us are there to feel those vibes you're feeling. You shouldn't have to start acting unnatural/holding back to make it work. If you want to call, call. Text? Text. If she reacts negatively to you being natural/just yourself, then that will give you an idea of where she stands.
You know what you want, so be sincere about it. If she wants it too then she will react in kind. Personally, I don't understand the whole "going too fast" concept. You just have to feel the situation and do what comes naturally. If you've both been comfortable with the way it has progressed so far then by all means carry on as there is nothing to fix.
I wouldn't doubt that someone told her to take it slower and now she feels she needs to abide by this social fabrication. Or worse case scenario someone else has entered her life. But you won't know for sure if you just sit in limbo.
I appreciate it. She said that she liked to be upfront and I am going to call and try to get clarification this evening of what she means by "some time" instead of having to infer hidden meaning from a text.
The chances of her having met someone else are very slim, we were together pretty much all week. I think she also sees the potential here and how well we clicked and that has spooked her a bit.
level_e11even
Banned
Update on meeting her friends and what comes next and some needed advice (hooray complication)
We met up at a bit of a dive bar and I hit it off with them really well. After having some drinks I followed her home on her request to eat dinner that we picked up along the way and watch a movie (The Devil's Rejects, she loves horror films). She passes out and I finish the movie and then watch Risky Business then go in to crash with her. We had crashed together (no sex) 2 other times so far.
After leaving her place and getting back to my apartment the next morning I think, uh oh... We have been spending a lot of time together already and been messaging a ton. We definitely need to dial it back. It turns out that she was thinking the same thing, I messaged to say good night saturday and she messaged me back Sunday around noon. I could tell that something was off because she had been messaging me a lot and that just stopped on Saturday. She said we are still OK, just that she thought things were moving fast and last night said that she needed some time.
Normally, "some time" is death to an already exclusive relationship but I need some assistance figuring out what that means here. I am really thinking just take a week or so off with minimal contact and then contact her to see if she wants to hang out again.
Here is how the week played out:
Sunday, first date - met at a busy Starbucks, got coffee went back to her appartment, ate homemade chili that she talked up before and talked for 5-6 hrs. She messaged me after I got home, and we msgd until 2:30 am. She said that she told me some stuff that she doesn't normally say and I replied that her honesty and openness was refreshing.
Monday, she messages me at 8:30 in the morning, says she is free after 5 and we should so something and she had a very good time talking. We message back and forth and I end up taking over stuff to make dinner at her place. We cook, eat, have some wine, watch classic Disney and both start to get tired. That is when I say I should probably be going and she said that I could crash with her if I wanted. I did, just a bunch of cuddling and talking.
Tuesday, she msgs in the morning saying thanks for coming over last night. She initiated a lot of this messaging. We msg throughout the work day and asks when do I want to hang out again. I said anytime. She goes out with friends and then msgs me when she gets back. She says that she likes me but I need to meet her friends.
Wednesday, She msgs in the morning and says that she wants to see me again before Friday. I talk her in to seeing Gravity that night which she did not have high expectations for but ended up absolutely loving it. I dropped her off without a kiss, due to the msg about being nervous making wet contact with me (she said this never happens) earlier in the day. On my way home she says that she is kind of sad there wasn't a kiss... I promised to make that up.
Thursday, general msging, no plans to hang out until her car battery dies and she contacts me... I end up helping her diagnose the issue, meeting her at a shop incase they cant get it in before they close. We go eat dinner and she invites me to come hang out again... We watched house of 1000 corpses and then we crash together again. No kissing because she developed some canker sores as a side effect of her ulceritive colitis.
I already explaned what happened on Friday.
So dating GAF, this seems like a good thing (just a little too much too soon) right? I mean, she expressed many times that she dug me and really hoped that my friends liked me...
There is potential here for something really special I think and we both just got in a little over our heads too quickly.
What say you?
What is going slow, exactly? Is it seeing each other once a week, two times a week; what?
Let me tell what slow is: what someone else tells you "normal" is. And you know what? Fuck normal.
The speed at which a relationship grows is inherently correlated to how comfortable you two are with each other. So seeing each other on what looks like, everyday, sounds about right for two people who simply can't have enough. Hell, the fact that you guys have talked for hours every day, and still feel there's more time to spend, just goes to show one thing:
1. Your relationship with her needs a purpose.
My opinion, which is only of someone external to the situation, is that you guys like each other, and that the intimate tension is there. She seems to enjoy your company as much as you. So, set your intentions clear(er) sooner rather than later, and put a label to this relationship. Because quite clearly you guys are not just casual friends hanging out. Don't wait. Do it.
(I will say, seeing each other every day is unhealthy in a way. Too much of something is never good. You do need to space out the time you guys spend together. However, this doesn't mean you should suppress your desires, it just means to know when other things should take your time. Longing for the time to be with someone [that you can actually be with] and spending it with her is extremely rewarding. And it's both ways ;-) )
Haha, so we are done now. I asked for a clarification of what "need time" meant (we aren't a couple) in this context in a very eloquently and rationally worded msg.
She said I need time which means space and you cant give it to me so I guess we should end it. She also said that she didn't bother to read all of it.
I said, im sorry you feel that way. I would rather not be left wondering.
For the record "I need time/space" can go fuck itself.
That's a strange way for her to end it, but whatevs, just move on.
Liu Kang Baking A Pie
Member
I feel I've pulled that move before. Sometimes the feelings are intense right away and fade a bit in time, without anyone having done anything wrong. Sorry, dude.
Yep, back to the OKCupid thread!
She was talking about disabling her OKCupid profile Thursday night and asked me if I had done it too. She said she was having trouble disabling hers and she was online Saturday and Sunday maybe looking for the next pawn to play.
Damn man, you made the right choice. Sucks it went that route but now you have a clear picture of what's going on and shit won't drag on. It's retarded that you had to push it to get the truth out of her. She should have been straight to begin with. Her loss!
Liu Kang Baking A Pie
Member
Try to stay positive. I think we tend to go into "ugh now I can't find anyone" with impatience, but the way to really see it is that a woman was really into you, and it'll happen again.
The way all this happened was a complete whirlwind as it was. It felt really good and I just got a nice ego boost.
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