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[6502]

If you were not ready back then, you made the right choice. You can't underestimate the strain it would have put on your relationship which any kids would have to deal with. It sounds like you made a sensible but difficult choice.

The fact you are feeling this way shows you are a good and thoughtful person. But you don't need to feel guilty, you need to make things as calm for your wife and give your family a great life.

This is a time to enjoy man.

 

[Rran]

Sorry to hear that this is weighing on you so heavily. https://www.joincake.com/blog/resentment-after-abortion/ This link may help you begin to sort through your feelings.

While it's not something that gets news coverage, post-abortion guilt is very common (even in men), so you shouldn't feel wrong for feeling this way. Not to overstep my bounds, but if the guilt persists, you might want to consider donating to an organization like https://letthemlive.org/, which provides financial support for mothers who are considering abortion for monetary reasons. It can feel very fulfilling to help prevent a child from being aborted.

 

[badblue]

It's not an opinion, it's my belief like you have your own beliefs. But apparently it's only okay to see one side of the coin and ignore the other side as if it doesn't exist. "They love the darkness."

Wow, God has some triggered up in here .

No one wants to be preached to.

 

[F0rneus]

A wise person (my Hot French teacher in HS) told me to never focus on things that cannot be changed. What is done is done. You and your partner didn't do anything wrong. Look to the future now.

 

[John Bilbo]

I'm sorry to say but I can relate. It is a tough situation to deal with since as a man it is very possible to get blamed for your feelings because it is "her body her choice" and all that. I've been shamed for having grief about my unborn child. It sucks and makes me lonely. But I've learned to chip away at it over a long period of time.

 

[daveonezero]

A wise person (my Hot French teacher in HS) told me to never focus on things that cannot be changed. What is done is done. You and your partner didn't do anything wrong. Look to the future now.

If the consensus is "they didn't do anything wrong" you are ignoring the guilt the OP feels.

Forgiveness is what you seek OP. There are groups that deal with this specific thing. If you can see Christianity with an open mind and that most of the arguments against God in this thread are superficial at best and a decent apologetic would tear them apart.

I'm not gonna get into this but all the Old Testament arguments don't help.

Know that God and his Son Jesus does, can and will forgive you.

 

[funkygunther]

If the consensus is "they didn't do anything wrong" you are ignoring the guilt the OP feels.

That's a direct response to alleviating guilt. You are just making up that they're ignoring it because its convenient for the proselytising that follows.

 

[Raven117]

Regardless of the religious v non-religious arguments in this thread..

You are looking for forgiveness (you clearly are feeling guilty about what happened…. Whether you should or shouldn’t is another matter), from God or from yourself (in the end, that absolution or belief you have been absolved will come from you one way or another).

I don’t know a damn thing about anything, but I think your feelings and thoughts on this are quite normal (whether that’s of any comfort… probably not). (I’ve heard similar stories of this before).

Have you spoken to your wife about this?

In the end man, I hope you find some peace here.

 

[kvltus lvlzvs]

Mods please do close the thread if you think its inappropriate, but I cant really share this with anyone personally in my life.

Just before my marriage my then fiancé got pregnant and we decided to abort very early in pregnancy. We were not ready and not married so at that time it seemed right decision and I didnt think much about it. Probably forgot about it in a day or two after it was done.

Now my wife is pregnant and we are about to have a baby and ever since she got pregnant and I started going mentally in 'becoming father' zone, I cant help but think about the abortion. More and more it weighs on me, as if we made a terrible mistake. I keep thinking about it. Today I was watching a movie and there was an ultrasound going on in a scene and I again started thinking about it and then somehow started crying. I cried so hard. I couldnt believe it. I was saying sorry to the baby/fetus as if that would change anything.

I still dont know if the decision was wrong or right, but what I do know is that it weighs so heavy and maybe forever will.

Has this happened to any of you? Can anyone relate. Anything will help.

Im sorry, mate. It is difficult and will likely always weigh heavy on you. It is amazing to see how much ones perception of reality changes when you have a child.

Not to get religious, as it has already caused some bans in this thread (i literally found this thread while perusing the ban list), but I will provide a simple anecdote from my Buddhist practice. During a Vajrasattva retreat (Vajrasattva being more or less the entity used for practices dealing with the purification of Karma, so it was essentially a 3 day retreat of Karmic purificaiton) my Lama told the group that if any of the women had ever had an abortion, to focus on that whilst doing their mantras, as it is an incredibly heavy Karmic burden to invite a being into this world and then refuse it entry.

The weight you are feeling, imho, is the natural understanding of the gravity of what was done before. While there is much discussion to be had about whether or not it should be allowed/legal (and it is nuanced - I have known people who would have ruined their lives and been with an abusive partner who would have fucked both them and their children up if they had not had an abortion) the fact of the matter is that it is an extremely intense procedure which is, in effect, terminating a life.

The popular rhetoric of saying that a gestating human is not a living being is one that only survives in many people until they actually have a child and see what happens during gestation. My wife had an abortion well over a decade ago. We have two children now, and she still deals with periodic feelings about it. It doesn't go away, it seems, but it lessens with time.

Focus on the child you have now. It is truly a wonderful experience and everything else in life pales in comparison to watching your kid grow and develop.

ps: enjoy the sleep while you still can because you are about to get really used to not sleeping lmao, also congrats on the upcoming birth!

ps2: it seems like the feelings of guilt well up around pregnancy but taper off over time. it is akin to ripping a bandaid off of something that you didnt even know was a wound. time and reflection heal emotional and mental wounds, so just allow yourself to feel and process. It will stitch itself together over time. having a kid helps.

 

[Dreamin]

Life coulda gone a different way infinite times, I know what you did is more direct but every choice n every breath kills somethin'.

 

[Mossybrew]

I'm going to disagree with some commenters here and say that it's okay to give yourself permission to come back to the past. Let yourself feel all those emotions, because denying it will only make it worse, in one way or another.

Yep. Of course it's not healthy to dwell too much on the past, but it's certainly normal and healthy to consider past events, choices you've made, after time has gone by and you have some perspective. Helps you make better choices in the future and in OPs case can help process emotions you might have suppressed.

In any case, congrats OP on being a dad soon.

 

[PaddyOCanager]

You did what needed to be done.

The maturity and hindsight you've developed since that decision is trying to make you feel otherwise. Life only moves forward, so get your head in the right direction for the sake of your family.

 

[TerribleAtThisGame]

I'm not sure if this really contributes to providing any help to you, OP, but since you asked if others have had a similar situation. Yeah, I have, but not exactly the same.

My first longer relationship was when I was 19 and it lasted about two years. It ended in a huge mess because she ended up cheating on me with her ex who had come back home from Airforce. The reason was that I was "working all the time". Mind you, I was working all the time because I had no family to fall back on, had been living in my car when I was 18 and so on. Long story short, I broke up with her, moved back up to New York and left all that shit in the past.

Fast forward to a few years back and when I still had social media, she reached out to me after almost 20 years later to let me know that guilt is killing her yadda yadda. She found out she was pregnant after I had already left town again, didn't know how to get ahold of me anymore (pre cell phone etc.) and had an abortion. Many will probably say that I dodged a bullet and what not but I feel insanely fucking guilty about the entire thing. I obsessed over it for months after, having thoughts and dreams of "my" kid's life, even delusional shit like "fixing mah car with mah son" type scenarios.

Longer story short, I don't think there's anything wrong with letting yourself feel what you feel and try to learn to live with it.

PS: Nobody in my life actually knows about this either, so it feels good to vent to strangers.

 

[Raven117]

Longer story short, I don't think there's anything wrong with letting yourself feel what you feel and try to learn to live with it.

This is real advice from someone who has actually felt loss (seemingly in more than one way). Something that’s actually useful and practical.

Some of this other crap about “don’t worry about it…. Move on… bullshit bullshit… is childish advice, likely from folks who haven’t suffered true loss yet.

 

[West Texas CEO]

I think that as long as I murder less first born sons of Egypt than God did, my hands are cleaner than His. I got a pretty comfy buffer.

You fool.

 

[TerribleAtThisGame]

Abortion is not murder...is that so? Says you. According to God, my creator, it is murder. Think about the law and why it's called a double homicide if someone murders a pregnant woman. Hmm? But common sense is unfortunately loss in the world.

Now attempting to make him feel bad or guilty is just a false accusation. No one can make you feel anything unless you give permission and besides not my intention at all but you think what you will, it doesn't matter.

Think of it as someone who warns. "Hey, don't go down that road because the road's out and you won't be able to see that in the dark." Obviously people can come to their own conclusions and their own decisions whether good or bad. So let's say they ignore the warning and go down that road anyway and the next morning they are found, not alive. But hey, you are in control of your life. So be it.

Your God gives babies brain tumors, lets his sworn disciples rape children by the thousands and supposedly sends people to fry in fire for eternity if they don't swear allegiance to him without him ever proving he exists despite supposedly having all the power to do. All because he works in mysterious ways. Get the fuck outta here. Your God is the most sadistic and psychopathic serial killer of them, the equivalent of Patrick Bateman with unlimited power. He probably cheers when someone gets an abortion based on his track record of unhinged hatred of humans.

Edit: Nevermind, banned.

 

[gatti-man]

Release yourself from guilt. You won’t even have time for that soon with your baby on the way. Children are an adult choice. They introduce many new challenges and you should be at your strongest for them. If you had any doubts in the past then you probably weren’t ready.

 

[Toons]

Abortion is not a religious issue in and of itself it is a moral one.

Obviously ones religion plays a lot into their morality but beyond that, not sure why this thread has turned into a typical reddit tier religion battle.

Im a man of faith myself and I have stances on abortion that I follow whilst understanding that others do not necessarily follow that. There are some, after all that feel it immoral to kill snd eat animals and choose not to. Theres also religious connections to that practice as well.

But arguing whether or not God is real is missing the entire point of OPs feelings and that is an apparent moral conflict.

Regardless of your spirituality or lack thereof I think you will have to move on. What's done is done and we cannot undo it. Be earnest in raising the nee child well and I think you will be able to cope with these feelings, and maybe even to live with them.

 

[LaughingStock]

What is done is done. You did what you believed was right at the time. Be a good caring dad and move on.

 

[Rentahamster]

If the consensus is "they didn't do anything wrong" you are ignoring the guilt the OP feels.

Forgiveness is what you seek OP.

That's not ignoring the guilt that OP feels. It's acknowledging that OP, in reality, did not do anything wrong. You shouldn't feel guilty over an action that isn't wrong. Humans are emotional and complex beings. We have empathy, love, compassion, and all sorts of wonderful characteristics that make us who we are. Applying these emotions to our fellow humans allows us to create flourishing and cooperative societies.

OP is imparting these emotions on the imaginary potential of his theoretical post-birth child from an alternate timeline. Yes, there was potential (not guaranteed) for a full fledged human to be developed over time, but at that early in development, the object in question is an unthinking, unfeeling clump of biological matter. Yes, the line does get blurrier the further along in development you go, but at that moment in time, there is no sentience there or any recognizable existence of consciousness.

kittoo doesn't need forgiveness because he didn't do anything wrong. He needs context. He made the right decision given the circumstances at the time, and that's all that matters.

 

[kvltus lvlzvs]

That's not ignoring the guild that OP feels. It's acknowledging that OP, in reality, did not do anything wrong. You shouldn't feel guilty over an action that isn't wrong. Humans are emotional and complex beings. We have empathy, love, compassion, and all sorts of wonderful characteristics that make us who we are. Applying these emotions to our fellow humans allows us to create flourishing and cooperative societies.

OP is imparting these emotions on the imaginary potential of his theoretical post-birth child from an alternate timeline. Yes, there was potential (not guaranteed) for a full fledged human to be developed over time, but at that early in development, the object in question is an unthinking, unfeeling clump of biological matter. Yes, the line does get blurrier the further along in development you go, but at that moment in time, there is no sentience there or any recognizable existence of consciousness.

kittoo doesn't need forgiveness because he didn't do anything wrong. He needs context. He made the right decision given the circumstances at the time, and that's all that matters.

As objective as you think your statement is, it is based on a particular cosmology. You could even say it is a religion in of itself, as much as cosmologies and worldviews can be conflated with religions.

Factors which must be adressed which you are speaking as an authority on are
A) Whether the soul exists
B) The timeline in which the soul enters the physical vessel of an embryonic human
C) The existence of a soul/entity before a birth (ie, does the being exist before physical embodiment a la reincarnation theory or is it "born" as in modern protestant christian theology)
D) Is there any kind of causal or "karmic" contract between the parents of the physical vessel and the being that is incarnating?
E) Whether consciousness emanates from physical matter or whether consciousness is the prima materia and physical matter is causally downstream from it in the chain of emanation

This is an EXTREMELY loaded subject. I am not speaking authoritatively, but can definitively say that the truisims you are speaking are based only on a particular cosmology that is, effectively, a very recent development in human history.

 

[Rentahamster]

it is based on a particular cosmology

No it's not lol.

You could even say it is a religion in of itself

You could say that, but you'd be inaccurate, and playing fast and loose with the definitions of words.

as much as cosmologies and worldviews can be conflated with religions.

Each of these words have a specific definition. Do you think it's important that we use them in the spirit of being precise and clear, or are you okay with making personal definitions here?

Factors which must be adressed which you are speaking as an authority on are
A) Whether the soul exists

If you have evidence that this is a thing, I will be more than happy to assess it.

B) The timeline in which the soul enters the physical vessel of an embryonic human

If you have evidence that this is a thing, I will be more than happy to assess it.

C) The existence of a soul/entity before a birth (ie, does the being exist before physical embodiment a la reincarnation theory or is it "born" as in modern protestant christian theology)

If you have evidence that this is a thing, I will be more than happy to assess it.

D) Is there any kind of causal or "karmic" contract between the parents of the physical vessel and the being that is incarnating?

If you have evidence that this is a thing, I will be more than happy to assess it.

E) Whether consciousness emanates from physical matter or whether consciousness is the prima materia and physical matter is causally downstream from it in the chain of emanation

For all that we know, the physical matter of the brain is where the emergent properties of consciousness come from. If you alter the brain physically or chemically, you can directly change its behavior. If you have evidence that the latter is a thing, I will be more than happy to assess it.

This is an EXTREMELY loaded subject. I am not speaking authoritatively, but can definitively say that the truisims you are speaking are based only on a particular cosmology that is, effectively, a very recent development in human history.

These "truisms", as you call them, are not based on cosmology. They are based on evidence and hundreds of years of research and testing. This "recent development" in human history has provided immense results for the better and has proven again and again that it is an effective way to understand the fabric of the universe and ourselves. This "recent development" in human history is the reason I am communicating with you currently at the speed of light itself and probably from thousands of kilometers away.

 

[kvltus lvlzvs]

You could say that, but you'd be inaccurate, and playing fast and loose with the definitions of words.


Each of these words have a specific definition. Do you think it's important that we use them in the spirit of being precise and clear, or are you okay with making personal definitions here?

"Could" was used as a syllogism for ease of communication and because religion was discussed at length in this conversation prior.

A religion is a cosmology. Religious people refer to themselves as religious, in that their cosmology is defined by a particular religion. Atheists refer to themselves as Atheist, which is a cosmology as well. Materialist Scientism is also a cosmology - which you may or may not utilize, I don't know you personally nor have I conversed with you much. Cosmology is the worldview which we utilize to navigate reality, and everyone has one, even those who claim they dont.

So, in effect, I was not playing fast and loose with words but am happy to further define them as per your request, which I believe I have now sufficiently done.

Regarding proof, I am addressing issues on a cosmological level and can not provide peer reviewed sources, which is likely what you want. What I can attest to is that an extremely significant portion of modern humanity and nearly all of our ancestors had much different views on the matter. Whether that matters if it cannot be tested in a lab is up to you, and I don't wish to convince you otherwise. I'm not here to convert people to anything.

One interesting anecdote I have heard before and which I did not come up with is this:

If one wishes to experience spiritual realities and asks a guru to show them, the guru would respond: please, come with me to my Ashram and we will meditate. To say no, show me now, would be akin to asking a scientist to show you now that water is made out of hydrogen and oxygen and refuse when they offer to show you in their laboratory.

Different worlds, and I am not claiming to be able to prove anything with peer reviewed sources. I am merely trying to address what could be called the multidimensional complexity of OP's feelings. I'm not even saying he did anything wrong, as we have all had to make hard decisions in life.

PS: Areas of interest to me in which I could provide you ample laboratory studies on order to make a point would be biology, endocrinology and pharmacology. I am not discounting the value of laboratory studies or the modern scientific method at all in this message.

 

[Rentahamster]

"Could" was used as a syllogism for ease of communication and because religion was discussed at length in this conversation prior.

A religion is a cosmology. Religious people refer to themselves as religious, in that their cosmology is defined by a particular religion. Atheists refer to themselves as Atheist, which is a cosmology as well. Materialist Scientism is also a cosmology - which you may or may not utilize, I don't know you personally nor have I conversed with you much. Cosmology is the worldview which we utilize to navigate reality, and everyone has one, even those who claim they dont.

So, in effect, I was not playing fast and loose with words but am happy to further define them as per your request, which I believe I have now sufficiently done.

You probably mean "philosophical cosmology", "or religious cosmology", as it pertains to the concepts you are bringing up. The problem here is that you are using a very broad concept to try to explain a very focused and specific issue without any good reason as to why your candidate explanation has any verifiable explanatory power. The point I'm getting at is that when you use too broad terms, you are enabling yourself to smuggle in concepts that aren't backed by evidence in order to argue your point. You can't do that if you're more specific, clear, and precise with your words. I value clarity, and I hope you do too.

Regarding proof, I am addressing issues on a cosmological level and can not provide peer reviewed sources, which is likely what you want.

No, not really. I'd take any kind of evidence, and then will tell you whether or not it has any relevance. "Addressing issues on a cosmological level therefore I can't show proof" is awfully convenient and not very convincing. Do you think I should accept what you say on merely on heresay?

What I can attest to is that an extremely significant portion of modern humanity and nearly all of our ancestors had much different views on the matter.

They did. Does that make them right? They also believed that Thor controlled lightning. Were they right? I applaud our ancestors for thriving on the resources and knowledge they had at the time, but would argue that their concepts of the world, or "cosmology", as you might say, were based on old and outdated information. Don't you think we should update our knowledge base as we gather new information?

Whether that matters if it cannot be tested in a lab is up to you, and I don't wish to convince you otherwise. I'm not here to convert people to anything.

I don't need to see lab tests. I need to see real world results.

One interesting anecdote I have heard before and which I did not come up with is this:

If one wishes to experience spiritual realities and asks a guru to show them, the guru would respond: please, come with me to my Ashram and we will meditate. To say no, show me now, would be akin to asking a scientist to show you now that water is made out of hydrogen and oxygen and refuse when they offer to show you in their laboratory.

You're comparing apples to oranges. You're trying to equivocate the two as both being on the same level as "trust me bro". They're not. This hypothetical scientist who doesn't show their work is a strawman. There are plenty of scientists in the real world who show their work. This is the reason why we are currently communicating at the speed of light from across the globe. Results.

Different worlds, and I am not claiming to be able to prove anything with peer reviewed sources.

I don't want you to, nor need you to, because I don't want you to throw up your hands and not try because I have given you some kind of an impossible burden of proof. Providing evidence to back up your worldview is important for me to understand where you're coming from. Communicating ideas is important to me.

I am not discounting the value of laboratory studies or the modern scientific method at all in this message.

That's cool. My point, however, is that if you're going to bring up alternate candidate explanatory theories/concepts, you need to also provide a good reason as to why I should accept them and include them in our toolbox.

 

[Beastclaw Raider]

I know it's cliche but focus on the fact that it's a blessing that you can now experience this at the right moment in time. You'll get to be a father, it's wonderful, enjoy every second of it because time flies by

 

[BlackTron]

I'm not being sarcastic. What I described actually happened.

If you're gonna preface a wall of text with "I'm spiritual" at least watch the 10 Commandments first

 

[Rentahamster]

If you're gonna preface a wall of text with "I'm spiritual" at least watch the 10 Commandments first

Are you replying to the right person? I didn't say that.

 

[BlackTron]

Are you replying to the right person? I didn't say that.

It wasn't directed at you, but I replied to the right person. Just riffing off the comment in your post that all that stuff actually happened.

 

[kvltus lvlzvs]

I don't want you to, nor need you to, because I don't want you to throw up your hands and not try because I have given you some kind of an impossible burden of proof. Providing evidence to back up your worldview is important for me to understand where you're coming from. Communicating ideas is important to me.

The place where I am coming from can be summed up thusly: reality is sentient. I cannot prove that. None of what I am claiming is strawman and I have been perfectly logical in my syllogisms. You have never proven that consciousness emanates from physical reality, and the fact that we have cell phones does not prove that point.

The laws that govern physics and electromagnetism function and that is why we have progressed in the ways that we have. I have not argued that physics and electromagnetism are bullshit. I have argued the primacy of consciousness. I would also put forth that selfsame primacy of consciousness organizes itself in a logical manner which we see manifest in our world as physics and electromagnetism, amongst other things. Isaac Newton was of similar belief.

If someone came and shot me in the head right now, I would die. The vital systems which compose my physical body would cease to function. Is there anything besides the physical matter which people referred to as me that is a part of the equation? Is it possible to prove that in either way? My reasoning and the reasoning of many lies within the experience of consciousness itself, not in the animation of my body. Im not keen on citing shit like DMT: the spirit molecule as proof of life beyond death, because you can obviously smoke DMT and talk to entities and it has nothing to do with the state of your physical body besides a change in neurochemical composition. Tibetans being able to track the journey of beings through the intermediary spaces after death and before birth is a science in Tibet and can be replicated within their culture, but cannot be proven via modern means.

Likewise, the question as to whether anything was terminated during OP's abortion procedure besides a physical process is, in my opinion, of the utmost importance. Im not trying to be moralistic or anything.

I am really arguing this within the realm of human experience. I dont know OP's philosophical background but have tried to comfort him in whatever ways I can. For some people, saying "It is a bundle of cells that was terminated and it wasn't conscious" may be the best route, and if OP is of that mindset I hope your statement helps him.

With that being said, I think that I have gotten us off topic, in that the discussion is about OP's loss. I apologize if my statements came off as my trying to invalidate your message of consolation to OP, and upon reflection I think it was inappropriate of me to respond as I did given the circumstances. That being said, I do hope OP takes something from this conversation between us, and it helps to alleviate the burden he is undergoing, whatever which way he may reason it.

 

[Rentahamster]

he place where I am coming from can be summed up thusly: reality is sentient. I cannot prove that.

Why should I accept something that cannot be proven? Is that a good pathway to truth? Is that an optimal way to live life?

None of what I am claiming is strawman

Your claim itself is not. What I was referring to was your representation of a hypothetical generic scientist. That wasn't accurate, nor representative.

I have been perfectly logical in my syllogisms.

I don't think you have, for the reason that you haven't presented any syllogisms. I don't detect any premises, nor do I detect any logically followed conclusions derived from the premises in your previous statements.

You have never proven that consciousness emanates from physical reality

All available evidence currently shows that consciousness is a product of the brain. When we alter the brain mechanically or chemically, our behavior changes. There aren't any metaphysical levers we can pull that reliably alter behavior in a predictable and repeatable manner.

the fact that we have cell phones does not prove that point.

Not directly, but that's not the point. My point here is that the toolbox that gives us cellphones is the same toolbox that gives us good reason to believe that consciousness is a product of the brain alone.

The laws that govern physics and electromagnetism function and that is why we have progressed in the ways that we have. I have not argued that physics and electromagnetism are bullshit. I have argued the primacy of consciousness. I would also put forth that selfsame primacy of consciousness organizes itself in a logical manner which we see manifest in our world as physics and electromagnetism, amongst other things.

Why should I hold your opinion as an explanation for truth when you cannot prove it?

Isaac Newton was of similar belief.

1. Citation needed.
2. Even if he did, so what? There are others who are not of similar belief. Just because a person of authority thinks it's true doesn't make it true. What makes it true is the evidence backing it up.

With that being said, I think that I have gotten us off topic, in that the discussion is about OP's loss. I apologize if my statements came off as my trying to invalidate your message of consolation to OP, and upon reflection I think it was inappropriate of me to respond as I did given the circumstances. That being said, I do hope OP takes something from this conversation between us, and it helps to alleviate the burden he is undergoing, whatever which way he may reason it.

Agreed, and if you want to continue the discussion, please feel free to make a thread regarding the metaphysical nature of consciousness. Please include a traditionally constructed syllogism with a reasonable premise and a sound conclusion. I will read and reply.

 

[Plashe]

It is a hard thing to deal with I imagine, many people would feel the same way but you simply weren't ready to have a baby, it sucks you had to do it but I do not think you're a bad person for doing it and I don't think you should feel shame, having a baby when you're not ready would've been awful for you and even worse for the baby, I also agree with what StylishMGTOW said about giving yourself permission to go back to the past, ignoring it won't help, you have to think about it for a while before you start to feel any better.

I hope for the best for you, your wife and your child.

 

[Tams]

You're just going to have to try and forget about it. It happened and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it.

The embryo (if it was even at that stage) won't have even known it or felt it, if that helps you. No more wasted than jizzing into a sock.

And most importantly, you will have a living, breathing mini human being who will be completely dependent on you soon.

 

[killatopak]

I'm religious and I don't think I would make the same choice but it helps knowing that you are now prepared for your current child. The fact that you didn't think you were ready or able to support your child is a huge factor in your decision and I understand that. We all want our child to be able to cared for in the best ways possible.

I hope you can give your child the love he or she deserves. The only solace for this is your previous child didn't have to have a rough childhood or be unwanted because of financial or emotional problems. Too many people ignore family planning and it's the children who are most affected.

If you ever feel guilty about your choice, the best way for forgiveness is pouring your love to your current child. It's not hate you need but love. Also, congrats OP. Welcome to fatherhood. I love my own father A LOT and I am proud of him. I hope your child can be too. Be the pillar he/she needs.

 

[lostinblue]

We were not ready and not married so at that time it seemed right decision and I didnt think much about it.

If it sounded right then it was the only decision you could make at the time. Not sure about your wife's feelings, but you still got married afterwards; This said I also don't think you'd be thinking about that now if you didn't stay together. That would have changed your feelings about the abortion while looking back on it (or rather you wouldn't look back at all).

It's done so no use thinking about it. Thankfully you guys are still on time to be a parents and have kids and the abortion hopefully wasn't too traumatic for her. Also didn't jeopardise her chances of conceiving. (these are clichés, but I don't know where you live, if abortion is legal, government funded, properly followed up, etc)

 

[Grildon Tundy]

OP's been pretty quiet. Hope you're doing well and the thread's been helpful Kittoo.

At the very least, this thread drew an inevitable permaban for one user. Best to rip the band-aid off on that kind of thing lol

 

[kittoo]

OP's been pretty quiet. Hope you're doing well and the thread's been helpful Kittoo.

At the very least, this thread drew an inevitable permaban for one user. Best to rip the band-aid off on that kind of thing lol

Just came back to the thread, sorry it has been very busy couple of days.

First of all, thank you to everyone for your concern, words and advice. There are a few perspectives here that I hadnt thought of before, especially that if I had a child back then, it would've changed everything else in my life- for better or worse. Maybe I wouldnt even be having my current child in that case, so that puts it into perspective. I also want to highlight, in case I gave the wrong impression, that I am not thinking about this 24x7. For sure I think about multiple times a day and it weighs on me (lesser after reading posts in this thread, so thank you once again!), but maybe I came off as more depressed in the original post. I am fine guys

I also read most of the religious posts in this thread too. That is a loaded topic for sure, in fact may even be too much for my meager intellectual faculties, and becomes even more loaded for me personally when the perspective being talked about is mostly from a Biblical or Abrahamic point of view and I am not a follower of an Abrahamic religion. Nevertheless, as long as the intent is not proselytization, I appreciate the posts indeed. There is a comfort in balanced spiritual views which I dont want to deny.

I am glad that I posted this here. Most, if not all, posts have been heartwarming and helpful. You guys didnt need to read through and reply to all that but you did in most positive ways. Thank you GAF!

 

[Dr.Morris79]

If you were not ready back then, you made the right choice. You can't underestimate the strain it would have put on your relationship which any kids would have to deal with. It sounds like you made a sensible but difficult choice.

The fact you are feeling this way shows you are a good and thoughtful person. But you don't need to feel guilty, you need to make things as calm for your wife and give your family a great life.

This is a time to enjoy man.

Spot on my good man, or women

Edit, I meant woman.

 

[Rentahamster]

I am glad that I posted this here. Most, if not all, posts have been heartwarming and helpful. You guys didnt need to read through and reply to all that but you did in most positive ways. Thank you GAF!

I'm glad that you have a positive reaction. All of our paths in life are full of variables and decisions and we all must do what we think is best at the moment with the knowledge and resources we have on hand. Your love and care towards both your wife and new kid are evident, so please give this new member of our society all the opportunity you can to have a happy and healthy life

 

[CGNoire]

Mods please do close the thread if you think its inappropriate, but I cant really share this with anyone personally in my life.

Just before my marriage my then fiancé got pregnant and we decided to abort very early in pregnancy. We were not ready and not married so at that time it seemed right decision and I didnt think much about it. Probably forgot about it in a day or two after it was done.

Now my wife is pregnant and we are about to have a baby and ever since she got pregnant and I started going mentally in 'becoming father' zone, I cant help but think about the abortion. More and more it weighs on me, as if we made a terrible mistake. I keep thinking about it. Today I was watching a movie and there was an ultrasound going on in a scene and I again started thinking about it and then somehow started crying. I cried so hard. I couldnt believe it. I was saying sorry to the baby/fetus as if that would change anything.

I still dont know if the decision was wrong or right, but what I do know is that it weighs so heavy and maybe forever will.

Has this happened to any of you? Can anyone relate. Anything will help.

How many months pregnant was she when you both decided?

If it was early I dont think there would be any reason to feel guilty but of course thats not for me to decide. Just dont let nonsense religion sway your emotions.

 

[CGNoire]

Threads like this always expose the religous cult members.

This thread was made for emotional support not for your sick self-serving religious recruitment.

 

[Amiga]

The baby passed on to Gods mercy in pure innocence. It is in the best place.

In the Quran God says the murdered infants will be asked for what crime were they killed. They are promised justice with God as the arbiter for them.

Regret is important and a catalyst for your soul's evolution. As you were young a large responsibility is with those who blocked your empathy to your child. Ask God for forgiveness by prayer, remembering your child and your parenting of your upcoming baby.

 

[FunkMiller]

The baby passed on to Gods mercy in pure innocence. It is in the best place.

In the Quran God says the murdered infants will be asked for what crime were they killed. They are promised justice with God as the arbiter for them.

Regret is important and a catalyst for your soul's evolution. As you were young a large responsibility is with those who blocked your empathy to your child. Ask God for forgiveness by prayer, remembering your child and your parenting of your upcoming baby.

Good grief.

You people are worse with this stuff than we had with the politics bros, who just had to bring it into every conversation.

He did nothing wrong. He doesn’t need your guilt tripping bullshit. He seems like a decent, intelligent person who came here just to express his feelings, and you religious maniacs turns it into one big exercise is trying to make him feel awful.

What is wrong with all of you? Seriously? Doesn't your god preach being kind to others? Or is that now one of the parts of the book you also decide to ignore, so you can continue to berate and denigrate others?

 

[Amiga]

Good grief.

You people are worse with this stuff than we had with the politics bros, who just had to bring it into every conversation.

He did nothing wrong. He doesn’t need your guilt tripping bullshit. He seems like a decent, intelligent person who came here just to express his feelings, and you religious maniacs turns it into one big exercise is trying to make him feel awful.

What is wrong with all of you? Seriously? Doesn't your god preach being kind to others? Or is that now one of the parts of the book you also decide to ignore, so you can continue to berate and denigrate others?

Killing an infant is something to feel guilty about.

Feeling guilt is a good thing. It is a sign of inherent goodness struggling with the darkness of the world. It is the struggle all humans go through.

Kindness is being truthful to him and guiding him as best we can. Lying to numb his current mood would kill his empathy.

@ kittoo

There are plenty of people who have given up on their own selves and get triggered whenever they witness someone considering the path they abandoned. As I mentioned before your child is innocent in with Gods infinite mercy. Consider that you can still meet your first child and be the father you could have. Your story with it is not yet finished.

 

[CGNoire]

Killing an infant is something to feel guilty about.

Feeling guilt is a good thing. It is a sign of inherent goodness struggling with the darkness of the world. It is the struggle all humans go through.

Kindness is being truthful to him and guiding him as best we can. Lying to numb his current mood would kill his empathy.

@ kittoo

There are plenty of people who have given up on their own selves and get triggered whenever they witness someone considering the path they abandoned. As I mentioned before your child is innocent in with Gods infinite mercy. Consider that you can still meet your first child and be the father you could have. Your story with it is not yet finished.

You make me want to open up an abortion clinic.

 

[Dr. Claus]

You're just going to have to try and forget about it. It happened and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it.

The embryo (if it was even at that stage) won't have even known it or felt it, if that helps you. No more wasted than jizzing into a sock.

And most importantly, you will have a living, breathing mini human being who will be completely dependent on you soon.

This. Your daily deuces have more intelligence, emotion, and cellular structure than the embryo did.

 

[Amiga]

You make me want to open up an abortion clinic.

It is the collective responsibility of your society whether or not to legally allow it, and those who allow it are collectively responsible before God for every life taken. Thank God I'm not part of a society that is considering such things. For those who are parts of such societies there is a prayer "Lord do not hold us reasonable for what the fools amongst us have done"

 

[Dr. Claus]

Killing an infant is something to feel guilty about.

Feeling guilt is a good thing. It is a sign of inherent goodness struggling with the darkness of the world. It is the struggle all humans go through.

Kindness is being truthful to him and guiding him as best we can. Lying to numb his current mood would kill his empathy.

@ kittoo

There are plenty of people who have given up on their own selves and get triggered whenever they witness someone considering the path they abandoned. As I mentioned before your child is innocent in with Gods infinite mercy. Consider that you can still meet your first child and be the father you could have. Your story with it is not yet finished.

Nothing was "killed". A few lumps of cells were removed. Nobody needs to feel guilty over that and people like you who try to suggest people *should* are what is wrong with the world. Also, kind of a massive fucking dick move*.

 

[CGNoire]

It is the collective responsibility of your society whether or not to legally allow it, and those who allow it are collectively responsible before God for every life taken. Thank God I'm not part of a society that is considering such things. For those who are parts of such societies there is a prayer "Lord do not hold us reasonable for what the fools amongst us have done"

Yep I'm sure its totally about saving his soul and not at all about you self serving need to validate and further renforce your preferred solution to life's existential dilemma.

 

[Winter John]

It is the collective responsibility of your society whether or not to legally allow it, and those who allow it are collectively responsible before God for every life taken. Thank God I'm not part of a society that is considering such things. For those who are parts of such societies there is a prayer "Lord do not hold us reasonable for what the fools amongst us have done"

You know every time you jerked off on your bedsheets you murdered a kid right? You think your God is going to let that slide? No. He ain't. You better get on your knees and start praying buddy. Every time you wiped your dick you took a life and your God is going to hold you responsible.

 

[EviLore]

It is the collective responsibility of your society whether or not to legally allow it, and those who allow it are collectively responsible before God for every life taken. Thank God I'm not part of a society that is considering such things. For those who are parts of such societies there is a prayer "Lord do not hold us reasonable for what the fools amongst us have done"

Maybe you're not part of a society considering such things, but you are on a forum with people from all over the world with disparate views and backgrounds. If someone doesn't share your religious beliefs they aren't going to care about what you have to say from your specific religious perspective, therefore it is both selfish and pointless to preach to them.