"Calm down", "Relax", and their TRIGGERING effect.

Do you agree?

  • Yes

    Votes: 11 42.3%

  • No

    Votes: 7 26.9%

  • Depends...

    Votes: 8 30.8%
  • Total voters
    26
O

Outlier

Member
TL;DR: Don't tell angry people to calm down or relax. It DOES makes things worse.

I've always wondered why telling an upset person to "Calm down" or "relax" tended to have exacerbating results, as well as why telling someone to do so is advised against.

It's finally hit me, but with a bit of help.

I've been playing "The Alters" for the past few days (on my second playthrough) and every time Jan Dolski told the Alters to "Calm down" and "Relax" I got a second hand anxiety increase, because I subconsciously anticipated a negative response. I kept questioning WHY the developers put those lines in the game (don't think there is a special reason).



I was thinking about these dialogs and connecting them to real life situations and then I finally realized...

I suppose when a typical person is upset to the point of having an emotional outburst, they're in a form of "self preservation" mode. When someone tells them to "calm down" or "relax" they lash back with increased aggression. I think I know why this happens.

Here my break down:

1. Person A. has emotional outburst and feels compelled to make their stand.
2. Person B. tells A. to calm down or relax, because they want to lower the intensity of the situation.
3. A. is so caught up in their emotions that when they hear those words, what they FEEL they are hearing is "Your concerns are dismissed, invalid, shut up, you're the bad person, and you don't matter.", which then makes them explode!
4. B. is now confused as to why things just got worse.

So, probably best just to give Person A. some breathing room, let them say their piece before responding, or just disengage.
 
I only had to say "Calm Down" once to a person, and it worked.
Well...what I actually said was "Calm the fuck down! I get it! But there is a time and a place and this isn't fucking it! Get a grip on yourself!"
It worked!
 
Outlier said:
TL;DR: Don't tell angry people to calm down or relax. It DOES makes things worse.

I've always wondered why telling an upset person to "Calm down" or "relax" tended to have exacerbating results, as well as why telling someone to do so is advised against.

It's finally hit me, but with a bit of help.

I've been playing "The Alters" for the past few days (on my second playthrough) and every time Jan Dolski told the Alters to "Calm down" and "Relax" I got a second hand anxiety increase, because I subconsciously anticipated a negative response. I kept questioning WHY the developers put those lines in the game (don't think there is a special reason).



I was thinking about these dialogs and connecting them to real life situations and then I finally realized...

I suppose when a typical person is upset to the point of having an emotional outburst, they're in a form of "self preservation" mode. When someone tells them to "calm down" or "relax" they lash back with increased aggression. I think I know why this happens.

Here my break down:

1. Person A. has emotional outburst and feels compelled to make their stand.
2. Person B. tells A. to calm down or relax, because they want to lower the intensity of the situation.
3. A. is so caught up in their emotions that when they hear those words, what they FEEL they are hearing is "Your concerns are dismissed, invalid, shut up, you're the bad person, and you don't matter.", which then makes them explode!
4. B. is now confused as to why things just got worse.

So, probably best just to give Person A. some breathing room, let them say their piece before responding, or just disengage.
Click to expand...

Person B telling them to calm down is not responsible for how Person A reacts to a simple request meant to de-escalate. Sounds like A has some self reflecting and emotional maturing to do.
 
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Days like these... said:
Person B telling them to calm down is not responsible for how Person A reacts to a simple request meant to de-escalate. Sounds like A has some self reflecting and emotional maturing to do.
Click to expand...
Yes, but while A. is responsible for how they conduct themselves, it is in B.'s best interest to keep their space safe from harm, even if it's only their own personal space. That is unless B. wants to risk trouble.

I just think it's best to avoid angry people, unless it's unavoidable.
 
Coconutt said:
I think you need to simmer down sir.
Click to expand...
Calm Down 90 Day Fiance GIF by TLC


EXCUSE YOU!?

I'm just TRYING to have a civilized discussion here, but we just HAVE to have people like YOU coming in here an try to tone police!

Why don't say what you REALLY MEAN... :messenger_pouting:
 
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I say it all the time and I don't intend to quit.

There's a reason I'd be telling others to calm down. They're freaking out, escalating the situation for no benefit and probably making a fool of themselves.

So calm down, let those emotions sink so you can look at things in a more objective way and let's find a solution together. Or you can keep throwing a tantrum like a child, but I don't want to be a part of that.
 
InterMusketeer said:
I say it all the time and I don't intend to quit.

There's a reason I'd be telling others to calm down. They're freaking out, escalating the situation for no benefit and probably making a fool of themselves.

So calm down, let those emotions sink so you can look at things in a more objective way and let's find a solution together. Or you can keep throwing a tantrum like a child, but I don't want to be a part of that.
Click to expand...
I might just start saying it to more people even if they're not upset. Best to set the tone early.
 
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This is the problem with the modern world. Finding ways to blame others for your own actions. If someone tells another person to calm down, that person should take that on its face and recognize why the other person said it, not jump to conclusions about being "dismissed" or some other bullshit. Feelings over facts is a sickness.
 
My go-to lines:

'What can I do to help?'
'How can we solve this?'
'Where do we go from here?'
'What do you want to do now?'

There are probably more lines I can think of, but the point is redirecting the person to a call of action.

It usually helps them proceed forward to a potential solution, rather than just hanging onto the anger for a prolonged period of time.
 
March Climber said:
My go-to lines:

'What can I do to help?'
'How can we solve this?'
'Where do we go from here?'
'What do you want to do now?'

There are probably more lines I can think of, but the point is redirecting the person to a call of action.

It usually helps them proceed forward to a potential solution, rather than just hanging onto the anger for a prolonged period of time.
Click to expand...
A sensible course of action.

Assuming they haven't lost control of themselves, engaging them from their side of things can help indirectly calm them.
 
Outlier said:
A sensible course of action.

Assuming they haven't lost control of themselves, engaging them from their side of things can help indirectly calm them.
Click to expand...
Exactly, and even if in the off-chance, it is a non-sensible response, we have at least reached a better point to where it can be discussed.
 
It's akin to telling a crazy person they're acting crazy. Only crazy people get triggered by being called crazy, so you're basically proving their point - i.e. this person is aware that they have issues keeping their composure and being called out on it sets them off even further.
 
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Outlier said:
Yes, but while A. is responsible for how they conduct themselves, it is in B.'s best interest to keep their space safe from harm, even if it's only their own personal space. That is unless B. wants to risk trouble.

I just think it's best to avoid angry people, unless it's unavoidable.
Click to expand...
Trust me I know, but blaming someone for someone else's reaction(when they've done nothing wrong) doesn't sit well with me and that's how you came across at least to me.
 
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It's better to pose it as a question, especially to women. Like: "Are you on your period, miss?" or "Why are you women so irrationally angry?"

It will help the female reflect a bit and calm down.
 
March Climber said:
My go-to lines:

'What can I do to help?'
'How can we solve this?'
'Where do we go from here?'
'What do you want to do now?'

There are probably more lines I can think of, but the point is redirecting the person to a call of action.

It usually helps them proceed forward to a potential solution, rather than just hanging onto the anger for a prolonged period of time.
Click to expand...
My go-to line is

"Get over it"
 
TDiddyLive said:
This is the problem with the modern world. Finding ways to blame others for your own actions. If someone tells another person to calm down, that person should take that on its face and recognize why the other person said it, not jump to conclusions about being "dismissed" or some other bullshit. Feelings over facts is a sickness.
Click to expand...

Different parts of the brain work at different speeds. For the person who is escalating after being told to calm down their brain sees it as a threat, probably due to some unhealed trauma at some point in their life. It is not an active choice they are making in the moment, it is a pre programmed response that they need to recognise and work on to change that programming so the next time A is in a similar situation their response changes.

Now that does not make it person B's problem, if they don't want to hang out with reactive or angry people they can just choose to hang out person A less or not at all. B has no obligation to accommodate A, they can choose to if they want but ideally B does not do that at the expense of suppressing themselves.

Feelings over facts is a different thing entirely, that is where someone has had chance to activate their pre frontal cortex and analyse a situation and are choosing to disregard facts in favour of their feelings.
 
Marlenus said:
Different parts of the brain work at different speeds. For the person who is escalating after being told to calm down their brain sees it as a threat, probably due to some unhealed trauma at some point in their life. It is not an active choice they are making in the moment, it is a pre programmed response that they need to recognise and work on to change that programming so the next time A is in a similar situation their response changes.

Now that does not make it person B's problem, if they don't want to hang out with reactive or angry people they can just choose to hang out person A less or not at all. B has no obligation to accommodate A, they can choose to if they want but ideally B does not do that at the expense of suppressing themselves.

Feelings over facts is a different thing entirely, that is where someone has had chance to activate their pre frontal cortex and analyse a situation and are choosing to disregard facts in favour of their feelings.
Click to expand...
Unhealed trauma doesn't give anyone a pass to behave in way that is not safe toward someone else
 
Person A just needs to be loudly told to shut the fuck up and stop being a cunt or there will be painful and bloody consequences. If it quiet de-escalation doesn't work then quickly escalate it beyond their comfort zone.
 
I don't think it is a big deal, but it is ultimately kind of a pointless thing to say. People don't really have control over their emotions. Just because you tell someone to calm down doesn't mean they can change the chemical reactions or whatever going on in their body that are causing those emotions in the first place.
At best the words are meaningless, and at worst you are going to get a negative reaction.
 
Sakura said:
I don't think it is a big deal, but it is ultimately kind of a pointless thing to say. People don't really have control over their emotions. Just because you tell someone to calm down doesn't mean they can change the chemical reactions or whatever going on in their body that are causing those emotions in the first place.
At best the words are meaningless, and at worst you are going to get a negative reaction.
Click to expand...
Wrong, many people do have control over their emotions.
 
When my wife starts to get upset, I make a point to lower my voice and say these things to her. She gets even more upset and frustrated, then I point out she's getting emotional, which makes her wrong, which means I'm right.

It's like a cheat code for winning every argument. :messenger_winking:
 
Sakura said:
People don't really have control over their emotions.
Click to expand...
This is typically a feminine trait, not a universal one. Men should be able to control their emotions, and it is more important that they be able to do so, which is why failure to do so (other than in a few extreme cases) should typically be corrected by other men rather than indulged.
 
The person with the problem is the one that cannot control their emotions....not the person that is reminded them to control themselves. If you say you are "Triggered" what you are really saying is that you are so self absorbed or self important that you are all that matters. People that are triggered are just weak minded for the most part. Also the word has been so overused it means nothing.
 
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