White Man said:
All will be forgiven if you tell us the worst thing you've ever done to a living animal.
:lol
Honestly? Well, since I have nothing to be ashamed of
right now (in terms of who I am
now), I suppose I can share the fact that I used to kick the crap out of my dog when I first got him (around age 16). I mean, I didn't just hit him for no reason like some people do to their pets, but he was always feisty and would always attack us if we went to take whatever he had away (our shoes, the remote control etc.). So I used to basically punt him across the room (he was about 5-8 pounds at the time) whenever he'd snap at us, because I had a bad temper myself. I guess I took out a lot of the frustrations I had at the time on him, though not capriciously-- only when he did something wrong. Still, I quickly realized that my dog was literally insane, in that he'd keep coming back, and back, and back at me again, regardless of how hard I'd hit him or toss him or whatever.
One day, about 6 months after I first struck him (again,
for being bad-- I've
never just hit him for no reason, because I've always adored him; I realize this doesn't excuse
anything, but I feel there's some distinction to be made between these things), I realized that he would just keep coming back at me until I killed him, and I certainly didn't want to do that (since I loved him), so I just stopped. This basically coincided with (but was not the cause of) the general change in my life/worldview away from my atrocious temper at around age 17 or so. So all this sort of came together; my general shift away from being choleric along with my realization that the dog was never going to "learn his lesson" from being hit virtually guaranteed that I'd never lay my hands on him again, and I haven't for over 9 years now.
It's really a shame, too, because as a result of all this he (understandably) has some trust issues with us (though he always had trust/aggression issues, even before I laid my hands on him, which has led my mother to believe that he was abused/mistreated before we got him-- we got him at about one month old). By trust issues, I don't mean that he's withdrawn or cowers in fear or anything-- he's really very feisty/playful-- but, just as it was when we got him, once he gets a hold of something (illicit
), you can't take it away without getting attacked. He's really a great dog, though, despite his issues, and he means the world to me (and always has, which makes my treatment of him back then all the more offensive).
Yes, I realize that I'm going to be vilified for this, and rightly so. I am
fully aware of the gravity of what I did, and I've made my peace with God over it. Believe it or not, I often tell my dog (CJ) that I deeply regret any hurt that I've caused him over the years, because he's always been my buddy.
He was really the only bright spot for me in a dark world for many years, yet I still did terrible things to him. Go figure. : /
I realize that most people who are reading this (if any have made it this far
) will not be able to believe that I could do something like this (except for a small yet vocal contingent who've always viewed me as some sort of psycho anyway
), but like I said, I was a
terrible teenager-- I've done much worse than this in my life to the people I love, the worst of which I've shared with the forum before (but will not do so here). I was just uncontrollable and would fly into blind rages; add to this the fact that I was dealing with
many issues at the time in my life (such as depression), and I was always just on a
very thin wire-- "keeping it all together" (mentally) was incredibly difficult, and the smallest things would set me off. I wanted peace of mind and regularity in my life again, and I couldn't find it no matter where I looked-- it was really just a very bad time for me.
It's funny, because people who met me after age 17-18 can never believe it when I tell them that I had a terrible temper-- they simply refuse to believe it, because I'm pretty much the total opposite now if you knew me in real life. My friends who've known me from childhood, however, are quick to get jabs in at me and inform them otherwise.
And that's because I've really worked very hard to change; it was incredibly difficult at first, but as the years progressed, it became easier and easier. I hope that the people reading this will realize that if there was even
one iota of me that still viewed such conduct as acceptable, or that was still capable of something like what is described above, I simply wouldn't have shared it-- after all, why would I want to expose myself to public censure? It's only
because I am an entirely different person now that I can speak of these things and still be able to look at myself in the mirror, because many of the things I've done in my life have been incredibly shameful. When I look back on those days now, I honestly can't even fathom what used to come over me-- that's how far from me it is now, and how much I've changed.
So yes, people can change.
I realize that you likely posed the question facetiously, but I figured what the hey. You wanted depravity, so there ya go.
evil solrac said:
you've only said that you've done bad in school and such. well, i'm glad either way. you gonna be on late at night?
No, I've shared the fact that I had a very bad temper, and I've even shared specific incidents with the forum in relevant threads (including the most heinous thing I ever did, which is what truly led me to seek change for myself). Guess you just missed it.
And what do you mean, "(are) you gonna be on late at night?" On the forum? Perhaps, though it's doubtful. I've been spending much less time here (and online in general) lately. Why do you ask?
