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[cryptic]

I'm wondering what to do regarding how to budget.
I live in Brooklyn, I work in NYC, I've been poor for most of my life, my family is working class and I've never been able to afford college.
I live in a big city for opportunity.
I really need clothes, like really bad, my wardrobe is like two or three years old, but comprised of good brands I got on sale years ago.
I can't find anything I like at a reasonable price, and I have really bad insecurities due to suicidal depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder.
All the stuff I find to be affordable is a bit too hipster.
I checked out search and destroy on St. Marks and thought that had some fairly quirky yet interesting stuff at reasonable prices.
If I buy clothes though, I feel inclined to limit myself on food. I have a cup of coffee everyday to help with the dread anxiety that makes me wanna cry and scream everyday before work.
If I buy clothes, I'll feel inclined to cut that out.
I'll deprive myself then I always one day "go crazy" and spend like fifty on food alone.
Also, as I work a really difficult job, fifty or so hours a week, I am tired all the time.
I regularly sleep until noon as I don't get out until midnight typically, then commute plus food, plus anxiety, all add up to make it so I can't sleep until before five am typically.
I feel really deprived socially and I don't have any outlet or anyone who cares about me, so I have found writing is the only thing that helps.
My old laptop broke, and I feel without it I feel so lost, with all these thoughts in my head getting bogged up, affecting my day to day.
So I need clothes, food, but I also need a way of writing.
I need a laptop for a sense of permanence.
I could buy another journal, but I worry that one day I'll just wake up and get into a mood and die.
Like a few days ago before work I had this really euphoric idea of going into this beautiful Park and just listening to music with my sunglasses on before slitting my wrists and dying.
So I don't know if one day soon I might just suddenly kill myself.
I feel like my illness controls and directs every aspect of my life, after examining my history, and as I get older I just get worse.
Despite all this, I function very well in work and I have a great resume someone said, so if I can just hold on I could be fine.
I've been hospitalized several times, been on every type of medicine,saw therapists all my life, and I've just realized none of that helps,
if anything it sets me back.
The only thing that ever has helped me is having lasting, real relationships, but most people, especially girls, see how poor I am, how quirky or eccentric I am, and choose to keep a very safe distance, which is very painful to me.
I have some friends I talk to for support, but I don't tell anyone how I really feel as it always pushes people away invariably, and I'm fully aware of why that is.

Anyway, so what would people recommend? I honestly need someone to tell me what to do at this point iny life.
Go see a movie? Buy a laptop, buy clothes? Continue to save.
Sorry for being dark and negative. I love you guys all so much you have all helped me get through so much just by being naturally you're great selves.
Thanks.

 

[RMI]

you need to set a budget for things in your life.

start by categorizing your expenses, something like

Rent
Bills (phone, utilities, etc)
Food (Groceries, specifically, not eating out)
Savings

-----------

EVERYTHING ELSE

seriously, prioritize the first four things on that list and then whatever is left over use it to buy clothes or a laptop or whatever you need. I'm not sure what you're going on about with your cup off coffee, but if you want to save money on coffee just go out and buy a pour over coffee maker or a coffee press and make it yourself at home every day. You'll save money in the long run. Look for ways to cut out unnecessary expenses. Personally I do this with food by doing my hardest to make everything at home and trying to not eat out. Everyone is going to have their own way.

Try something to set a budget and track your spending. I use Mint, but a lot of people seem to like YNAB.

Also do not kill yourself. If you are thinking of killing yourself please call 1-800-273-8255 or some other suicide prevention hotline.

 

[Lombax]

OP I really can't add anything more than what RMI just mentioned. The only thing I wanted to ask is what size are you?

I have a few dress shirts by Mizzen and Main that no longer fit me and you are welcome to them.
They are all a size Large and would vary in pattern.

If you are interested let me know, if its not your style no worries.

 

[cryptic]

Wow that sounds great I'd love to have a few dress shirts. Thanks.
Coffee at a shop is like necessary, there's no bathrooms otherwise.
Plus you get to see other people and just have hope for life by seeing others I guess, but I hate how much it costs.
Yeah, I really don't know why I included that.
I guess I think it's just fucked how everything is and that was just to give a very often overlooked example.
Budgeting doesn't work when your job cuts your hours per the business of the place.
I have to just fucking adjust.

What's a good cheap laptop anyway just for writing?
I have a monitor I can hook it up to through dvi, so it would be ideal if there was any newer monitor with accessories that would allow that.

 

[Akuun]

Would a Chromebook work if it's just for writing? That's the cheapest laptop-like device I can think of.

As for the coffee thing, I agree about trying to make it yourself and bring it around. Coffee shop stuff is just ridiculously expensive, and it does add up. If you want to be around people, are there ways to do that without buying coffee? Like chilling in a mall food court or something?

 

[SummitAve]

You live in a big city for opportunity. Hit up some thrift stores and find some gems. Who knows maybe you'll find other people doing the same.

 

[Belker]

It's been mentioned before, but I have heard very good things about You Need A Budget.

https://www.youneedabudget.com/

ALso, while you might prefer to write on a laptop you don't need one to write. Think of all the great academic works, books, plays and essays that were written before the computer - before the pen.

Buy some cheap A4 paper and write. Just write. Get the thoughts down and then look for permanance in a laptop later. I think I've also read that putting words on paper is also good as a form of therapy, in a way that typing them isn't.

I also think you're making assumptions about what people will feel about you. You're right in some ways - people will assume things based on what you look and your demeanour.

Those assumptions might be bad - but they might be good. Ultimately we can't fully know what someone's thinking or why they're thinking it. More likely people that we think are remembering us are just getting on with their lives. Their forgetting gives us a form of freedom.

Good luck. Keep safe.

 

[Walter White Walker]

What's wrong with clothes a few years old? I've got clothes I regularly wear I bought a decade ago. Good way to remain poor is spending needlessly on clothes all the time. How the fashion industry has convinced people they need to buy clothes on a regular basis in order to keep up with "fashion trends" is nonsense.

 

[andythinkpad]

Damn thats a wall of text.

Modern decent clothes are really cheap. So cheap yoi dont even habe to budget for it. Uniqlo has free shirt giveaway promo every year. You can go a few times and get a few more. I don't know what kind of clothing are you looking for.

 

[Freeza Under The Shower]

What's wrong with clothes a few years old? I've got clothes I regularly wear I bought a decade ago. Good way to remain poor is spending needlessly on clothes all the time. How the fashion industry has convinced people they need to buy clothes on a regular basis in order to keep up with "fashion trends" is nonsense.

Self-respect and realizing that the 'clothes' you wear constantly have been way overdue in being replaced. There's nothing wrong keeping good clothes (suits), but worn-out and simply completely old-fashioned and stuff you literally have had over a decade, is best replaced.
Doesn't mean you care about fashion, just means you want to look well so you can feel well when looking in a mirror.

 

[Gaogaogao]

save your money until you absolutely do know what to buy
also this is first world problems 101
this is a good problem to have, keep it that way

 

[marimorimo]

About having real, lasting relationships being the only thing that works, I had been in a low-key depressive mood for years and indeed it's the personal relationships that turned my life around and banished my depression. I started out not having friends when I moved to a new place to being the heart of my newly formed social network. It's amazing what having strong friendships did to my self-esteem, confidence, and happiness in general. (I'm married so I didn't go into romantic relationships although I had opportunities to do so). So I would say go with what you know is best for you--pursuing lasting relationships. The question is HOW?

I'm no expert by any means but this is what has worked for me:

1) Once you've made initial contact, establish rapport by focusing your attention on the other person. Ask them questions about themselves. Nobody likes listening to someone blab on and on about themselves, but love it when they're asked by other people. Segue your personal stories based on their replies and ask further leading questions. It requires just a bit more work on your part but it makes the conversation lively with no awkward pauses.

2) Being selfless and putting the needs of the other person over my own. It's a bit hard at first (I'm pretty selfish) but it pays dividends in the end. From little stuff like giving the other person the bigger piece of a pie to being more accommodating of their needs/schedules/etc., it all adds up. This is also how I got my husband to fall for me. Of course, when you're nice there's a danger of other people treating you like a doormat, which makes it easier to weed out the abusive people you don't want in your life anyway.

TL;DR: Focus on the other person and not yourself.

In the end it doesn't really matter that much if you're awkward (I am too) because your other positive qualities would outshine the weirder ones, which are then seen by others as your "quirky charms".

Anyway, my two cents. I hope things get better for you!