RadioHeadAche
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Gay and Bisexual relationship thread |OT|
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moniker
Member
Ok, an update if anyone's interested.
We had a long talk about a lot of things last night. He was honest about how often and when he had spoken to guys online, what they had spoken about etc. He said all this was just a turn on for him an equated it with watching porn. I don't really understand how one could do that, but it seems some people have different views about these online things. One problem is that we've never really discussed our boundaries. Sure, we agreed on exclusivity early in the relationship, but other than that we've just assumed different things I guess. Without me asking questions he told me that he had no interest in sleeping with other people, and that he would never do the online thing again now that he knows how strongly I feel about it. And it all felt heartfelt. He deleted his online profile. He told me about daydreaming of where would be years into the future. I know him well enough to know that he's not the cold and calculating person you'd have to be to say the things he said and not mean it.
Part of this has been a failure to communicate (like most problems in a relationship I guess). This is his first serious relationship, and things has been going fairly fast for him. He came out to his closest friends after we met (at age 28), and before me I think he had planned on being closeted until he died. He certainly never thought he'd be living with another guy. He has always been used to doing whatever he wants without having to consider anyone else. I'd say that he's a bit emotionally immature but he's come a long way since we met, and he seems very willing to continue to grow with me. I'm feeling optimistic about things now, and there's already a greater level of trust between us than I thought there would be for a long time considering where I felt things were yesterday. Some of you might think I'm a bit naive, but what we have is a good thing and sometimes I guess you just have to decide to trust another person.
We had a long talk about a lot of things last night. He was honest about how often and when he had spoken to guys online, what they had spoken about etc. He said all this was just a turn on for him an equated it with watching porn. I don't really understand how one could do that, but it seems some people have different views about these online things. One problem is that we've never really discussed our boundaries. Sure, we agreed on exclusivity early in the relationship, but other than that we've just assumed different things I guess. Without me asking questions he told me that he had no interest in sleeping with other people, and that he would never do the online thing again now that he knows how strongly I feel about it. And it all felt heartfelt. He deleted his online profile. He told me about daydreaming of where would be years into the future. I know him well enough to know that he's not the cold and calculating person you'd have to be to say the things he said and not mean it.
Part of this has been a failure to communicate (like most problems in a relationship I guess). This is his first serious relationship, and things has been going fairly fast for him. He came out to his closest friends after we met (at age 28), and before me I think he had planned on being closeted until he died. He certainly never thought he'd be living with another guy. He has always been used to doing whatever he wants without having to consider anyone else. I'd say that he's a bit emotionally immature but he's come a long way since we met, and he seems very willing to continue to grow with me. I'm feeling optimistic about things now, and there's already a greater level of trust between us than I thought there would be for a long time considering where I felt things were yesterday. Some of you might think I'm a bit naive, but what we have is a good thing and sometimes I guess you just have to decide to trust another person.
moniker said:
Eh, I can't really agree with that. Watching porn is a one-sided stimulus, while online contact require actual interaction. Fantasizing and actual acting out that fantasy are two completely different things (some would go as far to argue that just thinking about it is dangerous). Just because you don't do anything physical does not automatically mean that it is okay. Honestly, if someone's is often fantasizing about people other than the person he is committed to, I would say that there is something wrong with that relationship.
moniker said:
Not really. We all view boundaries differently so it is important to discuss what is and isn't acceptable behavior. If he is willing to change, I think it's great you are able to give him the benefit of the doubt. I hope he values the 2nd chance and treasures you all that much more.
DarkUSS said:It feels like I'm wasting my time and basically doing circles always ending up where I started.I'm 22 and I have always been single. OK it took me a while to realize I'm gay but still... you get the idea
If it gives you any comfort, I'm 35 and I've never dated. Not that I don't want to, but...I'm trying to be the good son. Like other people have said don't just meet people for the sake of dating them, be open and have fun with life. You are too young to be worrying about being single.
runlikehell
Banned
...?Zalasta said:
Yoshiya said:
It's a cultural thing. I'm Chinese (first generation Chinese-American to be exact) and the only child. My parents know my sexual preference and love me despite of it but they still want me to be "normal". So staying single is a way of me honoring them. Will that change in the future? Maybe. I don't expect people to understand that, but it's just how I was brought up.
Jezan said:
I think that it was a combination of both. He never really had a gay friend besides me and I think ultimately he felt he was too young to be in a serious relationship. He basically wanted to fuck around and wasn't ready to be totally committed sexually (and I don't do open relationships).
In a way we met too early. We were both 22 and he was my first real relationship and the first person I said I love you to. We were together for 2 years and I don't regret it but it just wasn't the right time and probably not the right person either!
As for the new one, we met when he was in London doing a Masters and I had just moved back to France for a couple of months (via my Okcupid that was still set to London). We talked a lot online, eventually met up in Paris, started actually dating, I went to London a few times and now he's in NYC for the month doing research for his Masters and I just moved here to start a phd. He's going to Seattle during july/august to finish up his thesis and to look for a job.
After that, if he finds something in NYC that's good. But if he doesn't we'll most likely break up as neither of us want to do a long distance relationship. It sucks because I really like him but that's just life.
ZephyrFate
Banned
If you never experience love in your life just to appease your parents you're throwing away a huge part of the human experience.Zalasta said:
Cosmic Bus
pristine morning snow
ivysaur12 said:
I'm being strong-armed into attending Pride in Seattle this year since I missed it last time and am not looking forward to it. :\
That said, this video is the funniest, most
ZephyrFate
Banned
Koodo at 9 years old.
umop_3pisdn
Member
That video made my life.
Cosmic Bus
pristine morning snow
I keep going back to watch it again and again. His parents must've been so... proud? How many nine year olds can say that they know all the Madonna choreography!
ivysaur12 said:
That made me smile. I think it's cool (and heartwarming) to hear a middle-aged adult being excited about Disneyland.
ZephyrFate said:
Yoshiya said:
I appreciate the well wishes. My choice isn't set in stone, but for the moment I feel it's the right thing to do. Who knows what life will bring tomorrow or a few years from now. I'm open to the possibility of dating, I'm just not actively looking.
That's the problem in many mnay cases, young people do not want to be committed because "I'm young" (and or not ready)Alcoori said:
FUUUUU then why you didn't say that the first time i asked (sorry, venting
)Hopefully he finds something in NY, argh I hate when distance is the main breakup cause, not fair!Alcoori said:
Cosmic Bus
pristine morning snow
Well, this article is certainly a cringe-worthy and embarrassingly ignorant disaster.
http://www.thegridto.com/city/sexuality/dawn-of-a-new-gay/
There's plenty more at the link, along with around 115 pages of mostly negative comments that are a joy to read through.
http://www.thegridto.com/city/sexuality/dawn-of-a-new-gay/
There's plenty more at the link, along with around 115 pages of mostly negative comments that are a joy to read through.
ZephyrFate
Banned
What? Beards and tattoos are in? The fuck?
I mean, I love masculine guys as much as the next dude, but... neither of those are necessarily hot unless they actually suit you.
I mean, I love masculine guys as much as the next dude, but... neither of those are necessarily hot unless they actually suit you.
Cosmic Bus said:
It's a curious mixture of internalized homophobia and absolutely ludicrous amounts of class privilege.
Here are a couple good takedowns:
http://thegaily.ca/?p=1857
http://www.fabmagazine.com/fab-blog/beyond-gay-my-ass
The first one is from one of the guys featured in the story, actually. He's not happy about it.
That article is pretty bad indeed.
My opinion: my appreciation for facial hair was the one thing that made me go "yeah I guess I'm gay" when I was a teen but there are guys who simply look better clean shaven. And my boyfriend is Asian, zero body/facial hair.
Not a fan of tattoos since in most cases it looks like people are trying too hard. Like this relatively hot guy at work who had his arm tattooed and now wears shorter sleeves just to show it off. It's some sort of... leafless tree, or some branches or whatever, it looks terrible.
...and funny how and his friends are just what the article described.
My opinion: my appreciation for facial hair was the one thing that made me go "yeah I guess I'm gay" when I was a teen but there are guys who simply look better clean shaven. And my boyfriend is Asian, zero body/facial hair.
Not a fan of tattoos since in most cases it looks like people are trying too hard. Like this relatively hot guy at work who had his arm tattooed and now wears shorter sleeves just to show it off. It's some sort of... leafless tree, or some branches or whatever, it looks terrible.
...and funny how and his friends are just what the article described.
ZephyrFate
Banned
I Kissed a Guy and I liked it...rexor0717 said:
welcome to the club
Well, last night was the beginning of summer break for us, so we decided to party a bit. And some people came over. After a couple of hours, I had already gotten to like 10+ shots and he did too. He just broke up with his bf, and he was talking about it. I'm not sure what led to the discussion, but I told him I was bi, and he was like "Me too! I wanna kiss you right now." And I was like "I'm down." Then I kissed him, in front of everyone. It was kinda hilarious, because everyone else was really surprised.Jezan said:
And just to note how drunk I was, I got a full nights sleep, and woke up tipsy. So yeah, I was letting loose a bit.
Sounds like he gives bad head.umop_3pisdn said:
You were brought up wrong.Zalasta said:
Ha ha, yeah, I was thinking of posting this this morning. Total bullshit. Hey, privileged white gay hipsters have it easy! Shows over, everyone can go home now.Cosmic Bus said:
I've chatted with that "David" guy a bit.
Cosmic Bus
pristine morning snow
FoneBone said:
Thanks, definitely enjoyed reading these.
Outside the disgusting amount of entitlement oozing from the original author, one of my, uh, favorite parts of the piece was how the declaration of this supposed uncategorical nature had essentially turned into exactly what they were so proud of rejecting. Congratulations, your little society can now scoff at and excise the less "enlightened" gays as you gather at all the right places in a different part of the city to have cheap sex and reclaim masculinity by popularizing indie hetero style that was co-opted from homosexuality to begin with!
I had to laugh at David's quote:
My buddies and I joke that were not gay, we just fuck dudes. I always enjoy peoples accusation that You cant be gay because of my appearance, my tastes (in music, wardrobe, etc.) and my personality. [Theres this] idea that all gay guys like pop music and bad denim from Guess, and talk like a lame, effeminate caricature of homosexuality.
When these guys all apparently showed up to the photoshoot individually and with their own outfits, looking like assembly line caricatures themselves.
umop_3pisdn
Member
xelios said:
I agree.
I'm trying to be as culturally neutral as I possibly can, but I feel like there's a piece of logic missing. There's no question that a person should honor their parents, but any parent is unfair to expect that level of sacrifice from you. After all, no one even asks to be born, parenting itself isn't entirely selfless in nature. And even if it was, that still wouldn't be a good justification. The greatest challenge and liberation is finding our own way to life and our own balance. There's very little the perspectives of others can do to make us happy, and if we aren't living for that why even bother?
I mean, that's assuming giving up the possibility of love to honor your parents isn't your individual way in life, but I don't really think it is. I don't think the problem is that of remaining single. There is nothing wrong with single life, but that is pursued entirely on one's own accord. Even if a person is only slightly curious about what love could offer them, they owe it to themselves to explore that! I think it's only prudent for us to live in a way that's mindful of such a huge potential regret... especially as ultimately when we die, no one else matters. There is only you and the void, and everyone has to find some way to come to terms with that. Regret is a poison, we can be killed by it.
Your life has just started, and your parents were able to find each other, why can't you find someone too?
HappyPuppy
Member
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ZephyrFate
Banned
I can appreciate other culture's values as much as the next person and probably more than most of GAF, but I cannot fathom depriving yourself of the joy of loving another person just because your parents restrict you.
Personal decisions be damned, it's denying yourself something very rewarding, something all people should be allowed to have.
Personal decisions be damned, it's denying yourself something very rewarding, something all people should be allowed to have.
HappyPuppy said:
HappyPuppy said:
HappyPuppy said:
Learn from your own advice.
We were giving opinions to someone who posted their thoughts on a public forum, not to bash him, but because we disagree with his parents' views holding him down and we want him to be happy.
Meanwhile, you are here judging and bashing the character and life choices of a person who is not here to defend himself.
I'm sure you feel valiant, defending poor Zalasta from us. All the while sounding like a superficial hypocrite in your own post. And a bit of a square.
But I'm opinionated like that (I'm American).
Cosmic Bus
pristine morning snow
ZephyrFate said:
Having been in a vaguely similar position as Zalasta some years ago (not wanting to rebuff parents' religious views, and mine to an extent) I can at least empathize with his stance, and I don't necessarily interpret this as his parents actively restricting him so much as it is his decision not to create conflict, but I do also agree that a person's need and desire for love or companionship outside the familial setting generally will become quite essential over time and does not, contrary to what we may try to convince ourselves of (guilty as charged!), die off or dissipate in its absence.
While I still have never been dating or in a relationship, I do know what it's like to fall in love and be loved in return, and would've absolutely regretted not experiencing this had my life ended at a time when I thought it might.
Cosmic Bus
pristine morning snow
Random sidebar: buying sexy underwear for yourself works as a fine incentive to exercise more, and the catalogs they include don't hurt, but I do not appreciate when said garments include odd, perilous attachments that threaten to strangle my junk.
HappyPuppy
Member
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umop_3pisdn
Member
Even if I was being ignorant it was in the spirit of compassion. There's a limit to how understanding anyone can be of an unfamiliar culture, but that doesn't necessarily invalidate cross cultural dialogue.
The grim specter of death just creates a kind of impetus that a lot of ordinary obstacles seem unimportant. I have no problem with a person making a personal choice but as long as a person is taking responsibility for others' feelings about those choices, one isn't entirely free to make those decisions, and my post was just an attempt to bring that to the fore.
edit: I didn't think I was being cruel... if I was, I sincerely apologize, that wasn't my intent. I don't actually know anything about your circumstances, I was just intellectualizing, I didn't really intend for it to seem so "personal" even though it's obviously a highly personal subject.
The grim specter of death just creates a kind of impetus that a lot of ordinary obstacles seem unimportant. I have no problem with a person making a personal choice but as long as a person is taking responsibility for others' feelings about those choices, one isn't entirely free to make those decisions, and my post was just an attempt to bring that to the fore.
edit: I didn't think I was being cruel... if I was, I sincerely apologize, that wasn't my intent. I don't actually know anything about your circumstances, I was just intellectualizing, I didn't really intend for it to seem so "personal" even though it's obviously a highly personal subject.
I went about it the other way: as my body got hot I felt like buying "sexy" underwear.Cosmic Bus said:Random sidebar: buying sexy underwear for yourself works as a fine incentive to exercise more, and the catalogs they include don't hurt, but I do not appreciate when said garments include odd, perilous attachments that threaten to strangle my junk.
I got a pair of briefs slightly too big for me (huge ego boost: I'm skinnier than what I thought!) and a jockstrap with a bulge enhancer that I swear I didn't know was there until I opened up the packet.
That thing is dangerous. You have to put your balls in some kind of inner pocket while yhe elastic strap pushes up your whole junk.
It looks ridiculous and is utterly uncomfortable and my balls spill out of the jockstrap even though I have regular sized ones.
I mean, really?
kairiceres
Neo Member
Hey guys! Were finally in a relationship! I know it's going so fast, we love each other already lol! I'm so happy!
ZephyrFate
Banned
WHOA now, don't be dropping the "love" bomb that fast!kairiceres said:
Ollie Pooch
In a perfect world, we'd all be homersexual
Didn't you start dating 6 days ago?kairiceres said:
Ollie Pooch
In a perfect world, we'd all be homersexual
Oh, nah it's awesome. And sweet. Just thought it was a bit sudden!xelios said:
Before I go back to lurking, I just wanted to say that I appreciate all of the comments. Don't worry, I don't feel attacked at all. I didn't post my situation to garner sympathy, just to offer a different perspective, especially for those that worry constantly about not finding Mr. right, and I fully expected people to disagree with me. Hard to discard the notion that group harmony should be considered before individual needs. Like I said before, until I decide my happiness is more important, this is the life I've chosen and I'll just have to live vicariously through you guys 
With that said, do you believe there is some kind of an unspoken hierarchy in terms of desirability when it comes to physical traits? I notice that hairy seemed to be more popular than twink; muscled, beefy and even chubby are more well received than skinny; daddies more in demand than sons. True or false?
With that said, do you believe there is some kind of an unspoken hierarchy in terms of desirability when it comes to physical traits? I notice that hairy seemed to be more popular than twink; muscled, beefy and even chubby are more well received than skinny; daddies more in demand than sons. True or false?
badcrumble
Member
That's entirely down to the person in question, or the group of people you ask.Zalasta said:Before I go back to lurking, I just wanted to say that I appreciate all of the comments. Don't worry, I don't feel attacked at all. I didn't post my situation to garner sympathy, just to offer a different perspective, especially for those that worry constantly about not finding Mr. right, and I fully expected people to disagree with me. Hard to discard the notion that group harmony should be considered before individual needs. Like I said before, until I decide my happiness is more important, this is the life I've chosen and I'll just have to live vicariously through you guys
With that said, do you believe there is some kind of an unspoken hierarchy in terms of desirability when it comes to physical traits? I notice that hairy seemed to be more popular than twink; muscled, beefy and even chubby are more well received than skinny; daddies more in demand than sons. True or false?
Honestly, I'm pretty sure the desired type among gays tends to be twinks far over "daddies"/bears. At least, that's how I have observed it to be.Zalasta said:Before I go back to lurking, I just wanted to say that I appreciate all of the comments. Don't worry, I don't feel attacked at all. I didn't post my situation to garner sympathy, just to offer a different perspective, especially for those that worry constantly about not finding Mr. right, and I fully expected people to disagree with me. Hard to discard the notion that group harmony should be considered before individual needs. Like I said before, until I decide my happiness is more important, this is the life I've chosen and I'll just have to live vicariously through you guys
With that said, do you believe there is some kind of an unspoken hierarchy in terms of desirability when it comes to physical traits? I notice that hairy seemed to be more popular than twink; muscled, beefy and even chubby are more well received than skinny; daddies more in demand than sons. True or false?
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