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[KilledByBill]

I've always found the OT to be a good place to look for some insightful opinions, at least mixed in with all the lunacy. So now that I've got some girl/personal problems of my own I figured who better to turn to....

I'll try to keep this organized for you guys, please bare with me.

The Background: I just turned 23 and I'm about to wrap-up the paralegal studies course I've been taking at the local university. I've been counting the days for this program to end so that I can transition into my full-time job and finally have free time without worrying about studying/homework/tests/etc. I've also been expecting to get back into the dating game after a long hiatus.

The Skinny: There's **gasp** a girl in the class who I've had my eye on from day one. She's a cute red-head(though apparently that's not her natural color) and she always seemed very smart and quite. VERY quite. I figured for a long time that she must have a boyfriend since she's good looking and didn't show much interest in chit-chatting like the other girls. But lately I've begun to suspect that she's just really shy and introverted. I've been trying to chat her up and find out more about her and it appears she's just been waiting for someone to talk to her. Also, I'll ask her how her weekend went and she'll say "yeah, it was pretty good" in an awkward way, implying to me that she's got nothing going on. The class ends this week and then on the 19th the school's having a graduation party for the students at a nice hotel nearby. I figure that would be a great time to ask her for a date.

Problem 1: Unfortunately, I really don't know how to go about making my move without freaking her out. I'm not the most spontaneous person in the world and her apparent shyness is difficult for me to overcome. I don't want to screw things up by catching her too off guard.

Problem 2: Today after class I wanted to catch up with her to talk on the way across the parking lot. But what do I see, she's walking and talking with some other bozo from the class. I got hit with a sickening wave of jealousy, te likes of which I haven't dealt with in a long time. That frankly scares the shit out of me. My jealousy has scuttled relationships in the past and if I'm getting it now, without having even asked this girl out it sounds like I've got problems.

If any of you guys and gals have any advice I'd be glad to hear it. Even if not, thanks for reading this far. I just had to air this out.

 

[Iceman]

#1) Fix your jealousy problem.

#2) Just ask her to go out: dinner or whatever. Just be up front about it. Be confident. This actually sounds like a girl that doesn't need softening up (No games required.)

That other guy may have noticed you breaking the ice with her and stepped in before you could make a move.

If you have any kind of confidence about your manhood just ask her. If she's interested she'll bite, if not then you can move on.

 

[TAJ]

>>>There's **gasp** a girl in the class who I've had my eye on from day one. <<<

Fixating on one girl is a recipe for disaster. One, it makes it harder to avoid coming off as desperate. (THE kiss of death) Two, it amplifies the effects of (possible) rejection.

 

[Forgotten_Taco]

Ask her if she wants to have sex like rabbits and never stop.

Seriously, just ask if she wants to go to the movies or dinner or something.

 

[Ninjas4Less]

yeah the games people put themselves through are not worth it. Dive in. Talk to her, court her if you wish, but all of this dallying will result in disappointment.

 

[Pedigree Chum]

Fuck, why is there a thread similar to this everyday?

Advice: Stop being so desperate (girls have a 6th sense for it), best way to get a girl is to be confident. Be real, the girls will come.

/thread over

 

[tetsuoxb]

There is a thread like this everyday because most people on internet message boards are hopless introverts with UV tans from a monitor.

 

[impirius]

"I would like to extend to you an invitation to the pants party."

 

[RaymondCarver]

It's nice to hear about these things, because we guys think in irrational terms.


I like hearing these threads out because these things run through my head as well.










Go for the gusto, and be bold. It's all attitude and being comfortable with yourself. Show your spine and just do it. You've everything to gain.

 

[KilledByBill]

#2) Just ask her to go out: dinner or whatever. Just be up front about it. Be confident. This actually sounds like a girl that doesn't need softening up (No games required.)

That is sort of the way I was leaning after today. I know from personal experience that regret is tougher to overcome than rejection. I can empathize with her shyness because that's a failing of my own that I've tried hard to overcome but it seems easier to deal with than some of the mind games I've encountered.

I just have some annoying disconnect between my mind and my gut instinct that always seems to screw me over.

 

[whytemyke]

BE CONFIDENT AND FUNNY THEN KILL TEH GUY!!!!1!!!1

 

[909er]

Treat her really badly and act like you're teh best she'll ever get.

 

[Ninjas4Less]

Just will yourself to walk up to her, from there it will be a terrible sort of autopilot. If you get a chance you get a chance, if not, oh well. At least then you know.

 

[NetMapel]

If you're shy and she's shy, perhaps asking her out for lunch and coffee break might be an easier way to start ?

 

[rastex]

If you're shy and she's shy, perhaps asking her out for lunch and coffee break might be an easier way to start ?

Oh man, I did this once a long time ago, freaked the hell out of the girl too. She was stupid though, so it turned into a funny situation. Now whenever I see her around school I always laugh to myself because she's stupid.

 

[demon]

Oh man, I did this once a long time ago, freaked the hell out of the girl too. She was stupid though, so it turned into a funny situation. Now whenever I see her around school I always laugh to myself because she's stupid.

What freaked the hell out of her? The fact that you asked her out for coffee or something?

 

[CrystalGemini]

If she's shy, and you barely talk to her, asking her out may freak her out. Why don't you get to know her better first, like throug group activities or someting.

 

[Cubsfan23]

But what do I see, she's walking and talking with some other bozo from the class. I got hit with a sickening wave of jealousy, te likes of which I haven't dealt with in a long time. That frankly scares the shit out of me. My jealousy has scuttled relationships in the past and if I'm getting it now, without having even asked this girl out it sounds like I've got problems.

Yeah you gotta fix this before even thinking about doing anything else. Jealousy is an almost useless emotion.

Stop worrying about if you'll freak her out (she obviously didn't freak out when the "bozo" was talking to her). She's not 12 years old.

 

[Ecrofirt]

simple solution:

Spoiler

kill her.

 

[ToxicAdam]

Ecro has it right .. if she is shy, she wont have many friends. So no one will miss the dead body hiding in your closet.


What ypu do with the corpse is your own business. Maybe start another thread about that.

 

[El_Victor]

simple solution:

Spoiler

kill her.

I was going to write the exact same thing. :lol gaf'. twisted my mind it has.

 

[kablooey]

simple solution:

Spoiler

kill her.

:lol Wasn't expecting that...

If she rejects you, she rejects you, big deal. Plenty of fish in the sea and all that, and you hardly even know her yet. Just do whatever you can to show confidence and politeness on your part, and the rest will take care of itself.

(This is what I tell myself too...with varying levels of success. =x)

 

[demon]

Just remember: YOU ARE TEH PRIZE. The cock&funny prize. Now GO FOR IT, bozo!

 

[J2 Cool]

and she always seemed very smart and quite. VERY quite.

quite... quite.. Quite WHAT?! :lol Anyway, this is such a dead clone of a situation situation I had. Cute redhead that had to have a boyfriend, but I realized how damn shy she is and it seemed damn near unlikely even as time went by. I had to open her up first, but soon she started laughing at my funny jokes and humorous material, and relaxing a lot more in that class because of me. But then she was told not to go to that class anymore, which was an Art gap that took the place of study hall. Reason being she went there everyday and her counselor was a dick.

So now it went down to occasionaly she'd come in or I'd see her in the halls, and in lunch when I'd stop to say hi. I seen her at a play that my sister was in too. But still, never had a chance to talk more like I wanted to. And I seen her one day with a guy and BAM! Kicked him right in the shin to relieve my jealousy-o-meter. In my head anyway. But anyway, so my seeing her slimmed to a few passing "hi's" as she walked with that same dude every once in a while. And then one day she just walked out of the lunch room during the period. And the next week she wasn't there. I signed into art gap one day, and seen her name a period earlier, signed in. Switched her schedule around as I assumed. So I don't see her in the halls or anything now. I guess are schedules work are way around each other without crossing.

Bottom line, kill the meat, and feast quick before other scavengers steal it, or the meat changes it's class schedule. Gotta jump the gun to make something more of an aqquiantance with a girl you like, or it could pass you by. Good luck with the graduation thing I guess. Take her bowling or something. And don't get jealous. Nothing kills relationships quicker than fruitless paranoia and jealousy.

 

[aoi tsuki]

Oh man, I did this once a long time ago, freaked the hell out of the girl too. She was stupid though, so it turned into a funny situation. Now whenever I see her around school I always laugh to myself because she's stupid.

Now you've done it. No one here will ever ask a girl out again.

 

[J2 Cool]

Stop worrying about if you'll freak her out (she obviously didn't freak out when the "bozo" was talking to her). She's not 12 years old.

And even if she was, you'd be suprised, 12 year olds are getting pretty mature these days :lol

 

[nitewulf]

you should try to get rid of that jealousy problem. women dont like emotional guys, well thats what i noticed anyway.

 

[Dujour]

Nitewolf's right, we don't need guys that share our own frailty, let alone ones that have it in abundance. Like everyone else is saying, give it a shot, but be ready handle whatever happens. Keep your head up.

 

[psycho_snake]

Ask Boogie or Demon and they will tell you Im not the best person to listen to for advice, but I will still give you some because I want to try and be helpful.

Dont get jealous, get rid of that problem, girls can sense things like that and its also makes her think that you are desperate. It might be best to ask her to go to the graduation party with you before something that just involves the two of you, so just be confident and ask her to go to the graduation party. If you really like her, then you are going to have to make a move now or later but if you leave it to late to the stage that she is going out with someone else, you will be regretting it so much.

 

[KilledByBill]

Thanks for some of the advice guys. I'll probably just go ahead and ask her out tomorrow after class, no sense in waiting or prolonging things for no reason. I was mostly worried that it would seem like I was asking her for a date out of nowhere. But over the past week or so I've been talking to her enough that it shouldn't be a total surprise. Besides, even if she is shy she shouldn't expect me to reveal everything to her before making a move. And even if she does reject me I wouldn't see her again after next Tuesday anyway.

I'll do my best to ignore those feelings of jealousy I get though it seems like it's something I'll have to overcome with practice and time. It's not the kind of problem I can turn on and off like a light switch.

 

[Ristamar]

you should try to get rid of that jealousy problem. women dont like emotional guys, well thats what i noticed anyway.

It's a delicate balance. Too much and you're overbearing or a wuss, too little and you're too unassuming or "distant"...

 

[Date of Lies]

It's a delicate balance. Too much and you're overbearing or a wuss, too little and you're too unassuming or "distant"...

It's better to be distant.

 

[Ristamar]

Depends on the girl, and if you're already dating or not. There are no absolutes.

 

[nitewulf]

it's a balance, yes, but leaning towards the distant side is better. dont be a jackass obviously, but dont be needy.
on the other hand, some women love weakness in men.

 

[Cubsfan23]

on the other hand, some women love weakness in men.

 

[Deleted member 4784]

Awesome, I'm not the only paralegal on the boards anymore. ^^

Out of curiosity, did you just go for certification or will you be getting an associate's degree?

 

[KilledByBill]

I figure I owe you guys an update after some helpful adivce/encouragement.

I made my move on Thursday after class when we were able to be alone in the parking lot. I asked her out for dinner on Sat. night and said we could do something afterward if she was up to it. She took a second and then said she had a friend's birthday party in NYC to go to that night. She said I could give her a call on her cell phone and that we'd be seeing each other on Tuesday night at the graduation party. I told her I'd give her a call and said my goodbye.

I've gone through several different moods regarding the whole affair, ranging from optimism to rejection. I haven't called her since then because I didn't really see the point and didn't want to come across as desperate.

I am tempted to give her a call Monday night just to follow up with her and maybe get on the inside track for the party on Tuesday. But that's something I'm not sure of and wouldn't mind hearing some opinions on.

I also have to say I think I did a good job keeping any jealous feelings in check. The guy who I'm concerned about is apparently a big poker fan so I used that to keep him off track and releave my own tension.

Thanks for hearing me out.

Out of curiosity, did you just go for certification or will you be getting an associate's degree?

I just went for the certificate. I graduated with a 4 year degree in Business/Finance but couldn't find the kind of job I was looking for. It's funny though how in about 7 months I learned more practical, resume boosting skills than in my 4 years at regular college.

 

[Cold-Steel]

1) Don't be fucking jealous. That will get you into a hole. Try going up to the two of them and introducing yourself to the guy, fuck, treat him with respect and you'll win her over.

2) No dinner. No movie. Go for coffee or take her to a comedy club. You want somewhere where the two of you can talk and both of you can relax. Getting her to be comfortable around you will make you comfortable around her.

3) Stay positive. Shoulders back, head high. Never admit weakness. Never admit anything. Use verbal engineering instead: I've never had a girlfriend ---> I'm just picky (much better response)

4) Do not try to impress her. You won't have to.

 

[Cold-Steel]

I figure I owe you guys an update after some helpful adivce/encouragement.

I made my move on Thursday after class when we were able to be alone in the parking lot. I asked her out for dinner on Sat. night and said we could do something afterward if she was up to it. She took a second and then said she had a friend's birthday party in NYC to go to that night. She said I could give her a call on her cell phone and that we'd be seeing each other on Tuesday night at the graduation party. I told her I'd give her a call and said my goodbye.

I've gone through several different moods regarding the whole affair, ranging from optimism to rejection. I haven't called her since then because I didn't really see the point and didn't want to come across as desperate.

I am tempted to give her a call Monday night just to follow up with her and maybe get on the inside track for the party on Tuesday. But that's something I'm not sure of and wouldn't mind hearing some opinions on.

I also have to say I think I did a good job keeping any jealous feelings in check. The guy who I'm concerned about is apparently a big poker fan so I used that to keep him off track and releave my own tension.

Thanks for hearing me out.


I just went for the certificate. I graduated with a 4 year degree in Business/Finance but couldn't find the kind of job I was looking for. It's funny though how in about 7 months I learned more practical, resume boosting skills than in my 4 years at regular college.

Whoops! Totally just posted right after you.

Stay positive about the whole thing, she wouldn't give you her number if she didn't think you were sweet about it.

If you're gonna call her, give her a ring between 2-3 days from the time you get her number. Anytime before that = you're desperate. Anytime after that = you're stupid.

Call her up and tell her that you were calling to see how she was doing. Very casual. Plays out well for her. If you get the message machine, say the same thing. Mention you'll call back. Don't say when (well you could if you wanted to, just don't be as specific as "I'll call you tuesday night at 7pm!"). FYI - women don't do the calling back.

Good luck, and godspeed!

 

[J2 Cool]

I dunno. Convenient excuses are never good. You're gonna have to feel this out. I don't think there's anything you can do to make her like you more though. Calling to make sure everything's in check doesnt work. Just go to graduation, see her there and joke around a bit, but remember it's your night. Center it around your friends, family, whatever. And call her on her cell, within the week after. Talk about graduation, how things have been for her/you, and ask if she wants to go do something casual, or stupid fun. Like lunch or bowling. Either way, keep it casual, light hearted. Intrigue her, but she's gonna make the choice to be with you or not. Planning, for a guy anyway, is NO good.

 

[MIMIC]

There is a thread like this everyday because most people on internet message boards are hopless introverts with UV tans from a monitor.

LOL! :lol :lol

 

[OpinionatedCyborg]

^^I always wondered why my face and forearms were deeply tanned throughout the year despite my aversion to fresh air and sunlight. And people always told me it was because I spent 2 hours a day in the tanning salon I fashioned out of a UV bulb and an old shower. Idiots.

 

[Leguna]

KilledByBill:
Hey man, I'm a 24 year old male that's currently in the dating game as well. My advice is no more reliable than my own experience...

Asking girls out:
DON'T EVER BE AFRAID TO ASK OUT A GIRL!!! It's not as if you're asking her if she wants to have sex with you. If this helps, pretend she's a guy that you would like to hang out with for fun. If she gives you the, "I've got a boyfriend" deal then say, "Just as friends then." BFs and GFs should not be treated as if they are married. Things could already be falling apart in the relationship and you want to be there when it has completely fallen apart. It doesn't hurt to have female friends at the very least, because guess what? They no doubt know more females.

Signs to look for:
Keep this in mind: If you ask out a girl and she simply tells you she can't do anything every time you call, it's because she has already made up her mind that she isn't interested in being with you, period and there's little you can do (I'll share those things you can do later). If she if accepts your invitation, shows any attempt to re-schedule or sets a date and time to meet, then she's willing to get to know you. This does NOT mean she likes you. If she hangs out with you around her friends everytime, it's because she sees you as a friend. If she hangs out with you alone, there is a POSSIBLITY that she likes you more than a friend.

The hard part:
This is only the first step. After she accepts your invitation, then it's up to you to make a good impression and keep her interested in you. This is no doubt the hardest part of dating; you now have the pressure of having to be an "entertainer". It doesn't take very long for a girl to decide if she likes you as a friend or as possibly something more or doesn't like you at all and wishes you guys never met.

Things NOT to do:
Don't look desperate! Don't call her everyday wanting to hang out. Don't ever try to gain pity from her. Avoid conversations about sad and depressing stories. Appear confident, but not cocky. Be funny, but not stupid.

Dating tips:
Be the ultimate host! Open doors for her. If you invited her somewhere to eat or to see a movie, PAY FOR IT (they will expect it)! Look like you're interested in her, ask as many questions about her to get to know her and make sure you remember what she says.

Breaking the physical barrier:
OOooooo, the fun part and the scariest part. You have to get closer to a girl phyically by taking baby steps and seeing how she reacts to them. For example, if she falls asleep on your arm in the theater, this is your chance to hold her, SO DO IT WITHOUT FEAR! If she hits you playfully or touches you while she's talking to you, then do the same back! If you a alone with her for 3 consecutive dates, by that third one HOLD HER HAND when you have a distance to walk (say from the car to the box office).

Kissing:
Seen the movie Hitch? He's right. When you feel the moment is right (be sure you are out of the public's eye or she's drunk) go in for a kiss, but stop a couple inches from her mouth and let her come the rest of the way. If she doesn't move, then that means she doesn't want to kiss. That DOESN'T mean she doesn't like you! It just may simply mean thats too fast or she's not ready.

Ok, that's enough, hope that helps. Let me know if there's anything else you'd like me to talk about.

 

[KilledByBill]

Just go to graduation, see her there and joke around a bit, but remember it's your night. ... And call her on her cell, within the week after.

After some thought I figure this is probably my best bet. While it might give me some temporary/cheap satisfaction, I don't think calling her tonight does much more than that. I figure if I can spend some time with her tommorow night we can talk about the same kind of material I'd cover over the phone (how the weekend was, the feeling of being done with school, etc.) and it'll probably mean more in person. Then depending on how things go I can either can see if she wants to do something afterward or just say my goodbye and teller I'll give her a call sometime.

After she accepts your invitation, then it's up to you to make a good impression and keep her interested in you. This is no doubt the hardest part of dating; you now have the pressure of having to be an "entertainer".

This is the part where I've usually gotten hung up in the past. I'm always torn between going too far out of my way to do new and different things that eventually take me too far out of my own element. Or, I don't want to do hardly anything different and there for just bore them to death.