Girl-Age assemble: she dumped me, then baked me a pie, but then dumped me again...

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Mengy

wishes it were bannable to say mean things about Marvel
OK, my turn for a girl age thread. I'm a wreck right now. I'm looking for both opinions and sympathy here, please be frank and honest.

I'll start with the TLDR version for you short attention span types:

My girlfriend of three years broke up with me two weeks ago. Her reasons are that she doesn't see us as long term anymore because if we were going to get married it would have happened by now, even though she knows full well I was going to propose this fall. She says a year ago she would have said yes in an instant, but she feels like her love has waned for me now due to time. So I don't talk to her for a week, she calls me one night and tells me she baked me a pie and wants to talk. We do, kissing and makeup sex and all and I think she wants to work on things. Now, a week later again I find out she still thinks of us as broken up and not long term but she cares so much about me and wants me in her life. I tell her I don't want that. She wants to remain friends, I tell her I love her too much and can't be just friends, so I leave and tell her goodbye forever.


That's the summary. Now, more details to fill it out.

She is a beautiful, intelligent, awesome woman. We have had three fantastic years together. I love her so incredibly much, I love her daughter from a previous marriage, hell I even love her family. But this all started about three weeks ago, and to me it's come as a huge surprise. I never knew she had a timetable for getting engaged, she never communicated that to me. In fact we both agreed from the start that we would take our time. Even still, I was going to propose this fall, and she and her whole family are aware of that.

Her reasons confuse me. We haven't really fought much at all in three years, and she says that bothers her. But honestly we haven't had much to fight about, we get along tremendously. I always viewed that as a good thing, but she grew up with parents in a loveless marriage and always fighting, I think part of her equates fighting to love. She tells me freely that a year ago she would have married me in a heartbeat, but she now feels like the window is closed and the moment is gone. She feels like too much time has passed and her feelings aren't the same now. She has always had a habit of putting up emotional walls around people who care for her, I think this is happening now with me. Her friends tell me she has always done this with other boyfriends before me, and with her ex husband, it just took longer than usual with me.

She thought she could dump me but still have me be a part of her life and even her daughter's life, but I told her I can't do that. I told her that I love her too much and that I'm way past being just friends with her. She said that this isn't black and white, it's gray. I told her that I don't fall in love easily but when I do I mean it, and that I can't just turn my feelings off because I'm upset with her. If I remain friends I'll never get over her, I need distance to move on. She said that's not the way she wanted it to be. So I told her goodbye and left.

I am so confused and beside myself. And angry, and so very sad. But part of me is also thinking she did me a favor. If her love is so conditional, so shallow and so easily corrupted, then honestly I'm glad I didn't marry her. I've been happily married before, it isn't easy and it takes commitment to make it work. If I can't depend on her even before we get married, then what hope of success did it really have?


So, was I crazy to quit her cold turkey like that? Am I being a fool? Do her reasons really sound as silly as I think they do?
 
Mengy said:
So, was I crazy to quit her cold turkey like that? Am I being a fool? Do her reasons really sound as silly as I think they do?

Nah, she seems like damaged goods, if it didn't happen now, before the marriage, it would certainly happen during it. You did the right thing. Being friends never works out, and would only emotionally drain you for a long time. Not that it isn't going to hurt now, but it's the best choice that's availible to you.

By the way, saying you've been happily married before kind of does not make sense.
 
Mengy said:
So, was I crazy to quit her cold turkey like that? Am I being a fool? Do her reasons really sound as silly as I think they do?

Well...do you think you could get another pie out of it? If so, yes.
 
Mengy said:
I am so confused and beside myself. And angry, and so very sad. But part of me is also thinking she did me a favor. If her love is so conditional, so shallow and so easily corrupted, then honestly I'm glad I didn't marry her. I've been happily married before, it isn't easy and it takes commitment to make it work. If I can't depend on her even before we get married, then what hope of success did it really have?
Well at least you can see some sense in it.
Unless you think ye still have a chance, going cold turkey is the way the to do it.

God, if my girl left me.. I'd be helpless.
 
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The mushy peas represent love.

The pie represents your relationship.

The tomato sauce represents the all of the pain she caused you.

The can of Victoria Bitter represents what you should reward yourself with for walking away with dignity.
 
The only thing I could say is to stand your ground. Do not give in to her emotional needs and unless she genuinely decides to work things out then it's better if you just move on.
 
Commitment is a long term thing. It's not just a single action of commitment. It is literally an on going, continuous thing.

Getting married is a serious thing. It shouldn't just be a pledge of commitment, but a position arrived at after the demonstration of a long term serious commitment.

To break an actual long term commitment over the lack of a pledge for commitment, it is obvious that your ex didn't actually understand the act of commitment and marriage.
 
Damn man that sounds really messed up. She sounds like she doesn't have her shit together, pathologically afraid of commitment.

Maybe give her one more chance and ask her if seeing other people is really what she wants, if she says yeah you made the right choice, you're not gonna be her babysitter while she dates around and figures it out.
 
Juicy Bob said:
The mushy peas represent love.

The pie represents your relationship.

The tomato sauce represents the all of the pain she caused you.

The can of Victoria Bitter represents what you should reward yourself with for walking away with dignity.



what in the hell does that taste like
 
My bad, she baked a raspberry rhubarb pie. Took her most of the day. She picked the raspberrys herself, made the crust, got the rhubarb from her garden. She called it her "peace offering".

The Orange said:
By the way, saying you've been happily married before kind of does not make sense.

My ex wife left me for a career change. I didn't want to be married to a truck driver that I never get to see.
 
you're being logical.

no fucking hope of that, women are CRAZY.

I have no advice. That happened to me after 13 yrs, 10 yrs of that married.


Good luck
 
You know what's wierd? If you were to hire a nanny, a contractor or a plastic surgeon you would probably look into their backgrounds a little and maybe talk to some past clients to get a second view on them. But we never do this with women when we marry them.

We have a wealth information on them with their past boyfriends/husbands, but we never use it. Think about how much you could learn and identify patterns that repeat themselves within their relationships.
 
Celsior said:
thank god I am not the only who wondered this
It's not that I want to know, it's that I need to know.

Osietra said:
Chicken and mushroom or maybe game.
Chicken & Mushroom = I just want to be friends but I'll lay down one last mercy fuck.
Game = I'm a terrible person and you'll be better off without me.

Always hold out for the girl with the Steak & Ale Pie.
 
Mengy said:
She says a year ago she would have said yes in an instant, but she feels like her love has waned for me now due to time.

Poor excuse to make her feel better. "It's not my fault, you weren't quick enough".

but she cares so much about me and wants me in her life. I tell her I don't want that. She wants to remain friends, I tell her I love her too much and can't be just friends, so I leave and tell her goodbye forever.

Wants to make you feel good. "You're an awesome guy, I don't want to lose you!". There's a high probability that she will forget about you after a few weeks/months.

So overall, you took the right decision. It's gonna hurt for a while and yes you're gonna feel like shit. Spend time with your friends and family, it'll get better with time.
 
She will attempt to get back with you at some point. Especially if you hold fast and don't talk to her from now on. Be strong and resist the urge. If she felt that she didn't love you enough to continue a relationship before, she always will feel that way no matter what, the relationship is dead.
Don't feel bad, most people who make it past this point are lying to themselves about how they feel. 95% of people can't stand each other after 2 years together, but they convince themselves to stick around because of the time and emotions invested.
 
Sho_Nuff82 said:
Damn man that sounds really messed up. She sounds like she doesn't have her shit together, pathologically afraid of commitment.

There's some truth to that. Eight years ago (in the first year of her marriage) her mom died. Her response was to move back in with her father in the house she grew up in. The strain of that was one reason her marriage failed. Since then she has developed this pattern of keeping emotional walls up, when a bf gets too close she makes excuses to end it. I may have been a fool to think our relationship could be different. I also think she is afraid of leaving her mom's house in a way. Hell, her mom's bedroom still has most of her stuff in it.

She has also been laid off for almost two years now and not really doing much in the way of paying work. I know that has been bothering her. I was planning to marry her and get her on my insurance before the unemployment runs out (soon). I guess she is on her own now...
 
She doesn't sound intelligent. She sounds like an idiot.

Just from reading your OP, even if you got married during her "timetable", it sounds like the marriage still may have failed because she puts up her "walls".

I swear, girls like to have some kind of issue to fall back on so they can make excuses to get them out of trouble.

Move on. Plenty of fish in the sea who will appreciate the love you have to offer.
 
The Orange said:
Oh. Well, I'm backing out of this thread now... *beep beep beep*
:lol :lol :lol Shit that got me a lot more then it should have :D

Sorry to hear about your situation OP, sounds like a bit of a messed up situation but hope everything works out.
 
You did right OP, her reasons for the break up are definitely weird/sketchy. Good thing you didn't propose earlier!
 
Mengy said:
There's some truth to that. Eight years ago (in the first year of her marriage) her mom died. Her response was to move back in with her father in the house she grew up in. The strain of that was one reason her marriage failed. Since then she has developed this pattern of keeping emotional walls up, when a bf gets too close she makes excuses to end it. I may have been a fool to think our relationship could be different. I also think she is afraid of leaving her mom's house in a way. Hell, her mom's bedroom still has most of her stuff in it.

She has also been laid off for almost two years now and not really doing much in the way of paying work. I know that has been bothering her. I was planning to marry her and get her on my insurance before the unemployment runs out (soon). I guess she is on her own now...
Unemployed, one kid, and a daddy's girl living at home? How old is she that she sees ' upgrading' from you a realistic proposition?

Seems as if she's in a serious rut, and being with you might force her out of it. Whatever her mental block is that prevents her from being happy probably would've poisoned your marriage.
 
Okay, looks like this girl is making it out to seem like it's your fault. It's best that you leave her but she seems like she has troubles with relationsjips, if you still love her in any way you should help her out to see that she's the one at fault here and not you. She's trying to pin the blame on you, and if you let her get away with that both of you lose out on valuable life lessons. Make her aware of the fuck up she's caused and leave her with that but don't be a dick.
 
The Orange said:
I know what it means. But happily married people tend not to go for divorce.


people who end up divorced aren't necessarily unhappy from the start
 
Sounds like her loss to me. Finding someone to accept your kid from another marriage and speak the way you do about her etc. is not going to come along again easily. She fucked up.

I hope things work out best for the both of you though.
 
She was fortunate to have you it sounds like, big of you to take on someone else's kid like that and I'm sure (hope) she realizes that.
 
levious said:
people who end up divorced aren't necessarily unhappy from the start

"I know what it takes to make a marriage work, I've been happily married 5 times."

Would you take marriage advice from someone saying that?
 
I know a little something about crazy bitches.

Congratulations. I know it's difficult right now, but seriously, you are better off. Way better off.

No more single moms.
 
"She dumped me"
damn dude
"The baked me a pie"
Oh FFS, you cried didn't you
"then dumped me again"
you half-ass fake cried and she saw through it...

rough
 
I swear OP your situation sounds very similair to mine!
Just recently broke up wih my ex that I have been living with for 3+ years!

Out of the blue, while lying in bed one day....she comes up with this sob story, saying that she doesn't feel in love anymore, but that she still loves me tough!
She wants to do her own thing, not being commited to a relationship. This coming from her sounded very odd, since she was the one who was talking about buying a house, having a kid etc. (I was even ready to propose to her!)

Then out of nothing? This! She moves out and moves in with her dad, but still wants to be involved as ''friends''!?
She says that she does not want to be involved with a guy any time soon, very soon after the break up, we started semi-seeing eachother again.

Then in Febuary we cut the cord again, it wasn't gonna be any use according to her (and me actually as well).
Oke then fine, if that is the case? Enjoy your life, and take it easy.
Not soon after that she gets involved with one of her male friends, calling me up crying and sobbing saying that she doesn't want me out of her life because of this.

I find it hard to cut her out of my life now because we had kept in touch, right now? I don't wanna talk to her, just to keep her at bay. I send her a short text if some mail for her came in, but that's it.

You did the right thing OP, i wish i had made the same decision from the start like you did!
 
The Orange said:
"I know what it takes to make a marriage work, I've been happily married 5 times."

Would you take marriage advice from someone saying that?


that's not really relevant to what we were saying
 
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