Initially I intended on making a thread about this a good while ago when I first learned of the extend of what I am about to write about but I held off for a while in the hope that things were improving even slightly, but it's at a point now where I feel like I really need to give some proper advice or really help my girlfriend somehow because things are only getting worse seemingly. I apologise in advance if I forget anything or if this post is a bit all over the place in terms of the timing of thins, I don't write stuff like this out very well.
I guess I'll just start with the basics. My girlfriend lives 2 counties away from me (which is about 2 hours' drive away) but goes to college here in the county I live in. She lives with her mother and stepfather and little brother there, and sometimes stays with her father (who lives in my county and the county she goes to college in) when she stays here. She also stays with me here too a fair bit now (I live with my mother, however. You can guess from that that I'm not exactly middle-aged). Normally on college weeks she stays a mix of nights with myself and with her dad since travelling home is too difficult and takes too long, plus neither of us drive which makes things more tough.
My girlfriend (we'll call her N for now) hasn't had the best of relationships with her mother and stepdad for a while now. She normally allows her mother's bad humours off and actually defends her as a person normally because she suffers with a thyroid condition and since that began she has apparently become more difficult to deal with. N's stepfather is a little less difficult at times since he's more quiet, but even when her mother is in the wrong or going overboard he'll often take her side and say she's right in what she does and says to keep the peace with her which doesn't help her ego. I'll try and speed this up. Basically N's mother is utterly horrible to N almost all of the time. She calls her names (including but not limited to: slut, prostitute, bitch, cunt, asshole), she insults her by calling her stupid and a moron, she puts her down by telling her she's fat, useless, ugly, horrible, disgusting (and so on). She takes all of the clothes that she doesn't like of N's and she steals them when she's away and burns them. She snoops through her stuff but doesn't hide it. She took a loan of money (a fairly big sum) many years ago from her but won't pay her back, and she won't let N take money out of her own account (well she wouldn't before, N took charge of that and did it anyway recently), she demands money from her when she gets anything (such as a maintenance grant she got in order to help her afford college), she barely assists her in going to college now even though her travel expenses are inevitably pretty high. She shouts at her endlessly to do stupid, idiotic things and is a complete hypocrite about everything ("N, go get a job" *N gets a job* "you can't keep that job you have to study" *N leaves job* "you're sitting on your ass all day every day doing nothing *N goes to college and gets a job* "that is a shit job, why are you even taking it? It's a joke, plus your college is shit"), but try and call her up on it and she will simply turn back and shout and scream until her lungs are gone. When she reduces N to tears both parents will often just laugh in her face at it.
That's all the main bad stuff, but then I realised that there's more to it too, something N took a while to tell me. N's parents know that despite her age N does have a few kinks to her personality that keep her in touch with her childhood, such as disliking the dark (when in complete blackness I mean). Some times when they are unhappy with her they cut the electricity to her room and force her to sit in the darkness all day, no lights, no nothing. However the worst is the other stuff she admitted to me after a while. She's been grabbed, punched and slapped quite a bit, only by her mother but it's been bad. Once when heading to college (first day of the week so she went from her family house and then stayed with me or her father) she had an argument with her mother after she insulted her again and again about her clothing choice, and N's mother was so annoyed at her standing up for herself she gave her a full slap in the face in the car (and her face was still red from it about 2 hours later when I saw her). Her mother will threaten her with violence often to get her point across when she stands up for herself or for her brother and makes threats of many other things all the time too (burning more clothes, throwing her out, etc.). In fact they actually did throw N out once or twice, but she was allowed to go back home after a few days as they sort of just forgot about it and never said a word. They threw her outside once in the cold with nothing for about 4 hours, just locked her outside. A lot of it culminated today when she called me after I thought she went to bed slightly happy that she got home and things weren't awful, but she was now in tears. Apparently her mother went insane that N's brother downloaded something which took up their pay-as-you-go internet by mistake, and she went and hit him (and he is only 12). N went to stand up for him and told her this behaviour is ridiculous and can't go on in a household, so her mother grabbed her arm, scraped her nails across her skin and then hit her.
The thing is if she was actually a bad daughter or did anything bad then I might understand the difficult nature of their relationship, but she's honestly the kindest girl you could know. Her stepfather actually started to stick up for her recently and tell her mother she was in the wrong finally for a little while, but that stopped once the mother started threatening him too about who he was "supposed" to be defending. He is normally not as bad, but he's a huge guy and has been very aggressive with N lately with lots of shouting and screaming arguments, and while he doesn't "do" it, there was one big violent incident between N and him about a year ago where he shoved her forcefully through a door. Her brother too is a very good kid, you couldn't imagine him doing anything big to take a step out of line to actually merit the fear and punishments he gets along with N.
She has other relatives that live relatively near to her, including her grandmother and grandfather who she did live with for a period of time after one of the bigger incidents with her family, but she can't do that again. Most people in her family just tell N to "stop arguing with (mother)" but they think it's that simple and for some reason act like it's actually a large part her fault. Yet they know how ignorant and how hypocritical her mother is in general but this seems to go ignored when it comes to N. They don't know about the physical violence, however, and she doesn't want to tell them, because despite everything, N still loves her mother.
Basically the situation now is this: she wants to move out but she can't because she doesn't have a job or the money. However even when she does move out, she (and I, too) will always worry about her brother too. He has grown up in an environment where screaming and shouting matches are how people talk things out, everyone is instilled with fear, swearing goes on endlessly, and people sort out things with threats and with violence, which is a horrid thing for him. I just don't really know what to do. I want to help her so much but I don't know what to do. We can't move in together for a while since we're both jobless, but even if we do that kind of parenting can't be condoned can it? Her brother will suffer and he's only young, he'll have so much more of it to deal with when she goes and he'll get even more even though N takes the brunt of it. She doesn't deserve how she's treated, I've told her what they do is abuse, emotional and physical, although sometimes I don't even trust myself enough to be sure if I'm labelling it right, maybe I'm being too politically correct, I don't even know. The sad part was that when I told her that all the threats of violence and blackmailing and insults was abuse (even forgetting the hitting for a minute), she didn't even believe me and told me I was being stupid, the thought never even occurred to her. She feels like no-one cares about her because of the way her family react to hearing them disagree and they think she just wants an argument when she stands up to her mother and they tell her to knock it off so she doesn't know what to do. I've suggested trying to get all of the family down for a proper discussion about it all and about their relationship, but knowing N's mother it would be pointless because she'd either refuse it, or she would simply deny everything and try and attack N even more (and then me too).
She feels like she has no home since she's being shipped constantly between her home, her dad's apartment and my house. She feels like everyone is ignoring her and that she isn't needed by anyone so she'd be better off dead. I only somehow managed to stop her trying to stab herself and kill herself in the kitchen one day by calling up her grandmother and telling her what she was doing and to try and do something about it. I can help her at times but when things are so bad that she thinks suicidally there's only so much I can do.
I apologise for the huge OP and didn't plan it but I just had to get this out there and get some proper advice because I don't know what to do and neither does she. Am I overreacting, is she? I don't think we are but I just want to be sure because I doubt myself sometimes. Does anyone have any advice they can give me, or her? Right now she's stuck there for at the very least another 6 months or so so moving out just can't happen yet since she simply can't afford it. I'd really appreciate any advice or help anyone can give because I don't know where to go from here, again sorry for the huge OP.
TL;DR: I can't really sum all of it up but basically my girlfriend's parents insult, degrade and hit her and constantly argue with her and punish her over nothing and she's being driven over the edge by it and I / she / we need advice on what to do. If anyone reads the OP and responds I will really appreciate it since I know it's an effort to read, I'll be back in the morning (or in about 12 hours for anyone not in Western Europe) and will reply to anyone then if I'm needed. Thanks in advance GAF. If anyone has any suggestions at all they're welcome and appreciated.
I guess I'll just start with the basics. My girlfriend lives 2 counties away from me (which is about 2 hours' drive away) but goes to college here in the county I live in. She lives with her mother and stepfather and little brother there, and sometimes stays with her father (who lives in my county and the county she goes to college in) when she stays here. She also stays with me here too a fair bit now (I live with my mother, however. You can guess from that that I'm not exactly middle-aged). Normally on college weeks she stays a mix of nights with myself and with her dad since travelling home is too difficult and takes too long, plus neither of us drive which makes things more tough.
My girlfriend (we'll call her N for now) hasn't had the best of relationships with her mother and stepdad for a while now. She normally allows her mother's bad humours off and actually defends her as a person normally because she suffers with a thyroid condition and since that began she has apparently become more difficult to deal with. N's stepfather is a little less difficult at times since he's more quiet, but even when her mother is in the wrong or going overboard he'll often take her side and say she's right in what she does and says to keep the peace with her which doesn't help her ego. I'll try and speed this up. Basically N's mother is utterly horrible to N almost all of the time. She calls her names (including but not limited to: slut, prostitute, bitch, cunt, asshole), she insults her by calling her stupid and a moron, she puts her down by telling her she's fat, useless, ugly, horrible, disgusting (and so on). She takes all of the clothes that she doesn't like of N's and she steals them when she's away and burns them. She snoops through her stuff but doesn't hide it. She took a loan of money (a fairly big sum) many years ago from her but won't pay her back, and she won't let N take money out of her own account (well she wouldn't before, N took charge of that and did it anyway recently), she demands money from her when she gets anything (such as a maintenance grant she got in order to help her afford college), she barely assists her in going to college now even though her travel expenses are inevitably pretty high. She shouts at her endlessly to do stupid, idiotic things and is a complete hypocrite about everything ("N, go get a job" *N gets a job* "you can't keep that job you have to study" *N leaves job* "you're sitting on your ass all day every day doing nothing *N goes to college and gets a job* "that is a shit job, why are you even taking it? It's a joke, plus your college is shit"), but try and call her up on it and she will simply turn back and shout and scream until her lungs are gone. When she reduces N to tears both parents will often just laugh in her face at it.
That's all the main bad stuff, but then I realised that there's more to it too, something N took a while to tell me. N's parents know that despite her age N does have a few kinks to her personality that keep her in touch with her childhood, such as disliking the dark (when in complete blackness I mean). Some times when they are unhappy with her they cut the electricity to her room and force her to sit in the darkness all day, no lights, no nothing. However the worst is the other stuff she admitted to me after a while. She's been grabbed, punched and slapped quite a bit, only by her mother but it's been bad. Once when heading to college (first day of the week so she went from her family house and then stayed with me or her father) she had an argument with her mother after she insulted her again and again about her clothing choice, and N's mother was so annoyed at her standing up for herself she gave her a full slap in the face in the car (and her face was still red from it about 2 hours later when I saw her). Her mother will threaten her with violence often to get her point across when she stands up for herself or for her brother and makes threats of many other things all the time too (burning more clothes, throwing her out, etc.). In fact they actually did throw N out once or twice, but she was allowed to go back home after a few days as they sort of just forgot about it and never said a word. They threw her outside once in the cold with nothing for about 4 hours, just locked her outside. A lot of it culminated today when she called me after I thought she went to bed slightly happy that she got home and things weren't awful, but she was now in tears. Apparently her mother went insane that N's brother downloaded something which took up their pay-as-you-go internet by mistake, and she went and hit him (and he is only 12). N went to stand up for him and told her this behaviour is ridiculous and can't go on in a household, so her mother grabbed her arm, scraped her nails across her skin and then hit her.
The thing is if she was actually a bad daughter or did anything bad then I might understand the difficult nature of their relationship, but she's honestly the kindest girl you could know. Her stepfather actually started to stick up for her recently and tell her mother she was in the wrong finally for a little while, but that stopped once the mother started threatening him too about who he was "supposed" to be defending. He is normally not as bad, but he's a huge guy and has been very aggressive with N lately with lots of shouting and screaming arguments, and while he doesn't "do" it, there was one big violent incident between N and him about a year ago where he shoved her forcefully through a door. Her brother too is a very good kid, you couldn't imagine him doing anything big to take a step out of line to actually merit the fear and punishments he gets along with N.
She has other relatives that live relatively near to her, including her grandmother and grandfather who she did live with for a period of time after one of the bigger incidents with her family, but she can't do that again. Most people in her family just tell N to "stop arguing with (mother)" but they think it's that simple and for some reason act like it's actually a large part her fault. Yet they know how ignorant and how hypocritical her mother is in general but this seems to go ignored when it comes to N. They don't know about the physical violence, however, and she doesn't want to tell them, because despite everything, N still loves her mother.
Basically the situation now is this: she wants to move out but she can't because she doesn't have a job or the money. However even when she does move out, she (and I, too) will always worry about her brother too. He has grown up in an environment where screaming and shouting matches are how people talk things out, everyone is instilled with fear, swearing goes on endlessly, and people sort out things with threats and with violence, which is a horrid thing for him. I just don't really know what to do. I want to help her so much but I don't know what to do. We can't move in together for a while since we're both jobless, but even if we do that kind of parenting can't be condoned can it? Her brother will suffer and he's only young, he'll have so much more of it to deal with when she goes and he'll get even more even though N takes the brunt of it. She doesn't deserve how she's treated, I've told her what they do is abuse, emotional and physical, although sometimes I don't even trust myself enough to be sure if I'm labelling it right, maybe I'm being too politically correct, I don't even know. The sad part was that when I told her that all the threats of violence and blackmailing and insults was abuse (even forgetting the hitting for a minute), she didn't even believe me and told me I was being stupid, the thought never even occurred to her. She feels like no-one cares about her because of the way her family react to hearing them disagree and they think she just wants an argument when she stands up to her mother and they tell her to knock it off so she doesn't know what to do. I've suggested trying to get all of the family down for a proper discussion about it all and about their relationship, but knowing N's mother it would be pointless because she'd either refuse it, or she would simply deny everything and try and attack N even more (and then me too).
She feels like she has no home since she's being shipped constantly between her home, her dad's apartment and my house. She feels like everyone is ignoring her and that she isn't needed by anyone so she'd be better off dead. I only somehow managed to stop her trying to stab herself and kill herself in the kitchen one day by calling up her grandmother and telling her what she was doing and to try and do something about it. I can help her at times but when things are so bad that she thinks suicidally there's only so much I can do.
I apologise for the huge OP and didn't plan it but I just had to get this out there and get some proper advice because I don't know what to do and neither does she. Am I overreacting, is she? I don't think we are but I just want to be sure because I doubt myself sometimes. Does anyone have any advice they can give me, or her? Right now she's stuck there for at the very least another 6 months or so so moving out just can't happen yet since she simply can't afford it. I'd really appreciate any advice or help anyone can give because I don't know where to go from here, again sorry for the huge OP.
TL;DR: I can't really sum all of it up but basically my girlfriend's parents insult, degrade and hit her and constantly argue with her and punish her over nothing and she's being driven over the edge by it and I / she / we need advice on what to do. If anyone reads the OP and responds I will really appreciate it since I know it's an effort to read, I'll be back in the morning (or in about 12 hours for anyone not in Western Europe) and will reply to anyone then if I'm needed. Thanks in advance GAF. If anyone has any suggestions at all they're welcome and appreciated.
if he calls the gardai and mentions the child, social services will be notified.