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[arkhamguy123]

Since November, I've hated being alive. I'd easily venture to say I don't want to be alive anymore as well. I guess you might say it all kind of started with a very abrupt separation from a 3 year relationship. One night it's "I love everything about you", talking about marriage etc, 24 hours later dumping me and leaving. There's a story of course but I won't get into it. I'm sure its somewhere in my post history. From there I got into the worst car wreck of my life in january a scant 2 months later. Didnt have collision insurance so it was an immense financial setback and challenge.

I'm 26. I'm currently an uber driver. Tried to do traditional 9-5 work for about 4-5 years. Was miserable and depressed. Quit, started uber, and at first was pretty smug as I was doing a mere 25-29 hours a week ubering and hitting my $950-1000 a week goal for months on end. I wasnt rich, but I certainly wasnt poor either. And I had the automy of being my own boss and making my own schedule, and having zero sunday dread. This was invaluable to my already shaky mental health. I dont know where I'd be if I still did my regular mon-fri corporate work. Unfortunately lately it seems the well has dried up. As for the past month and a half uber has stopped doing all the extra promotions and "quests" (Complete X amount of rides, get a free $50,$60,$70 extra). For what reason I do not know, but I suspect corporate greed as per usual. What this means for me is my 25-29 hours per week has now turned into 34-39 hours. Usually on the higher end. An extra ~10 hours for the same money or less. So basically the exact same as the full time jobs I ran away from. So before while my life sucked I had the freedom to read, play video games, go hiking, ride my bike, play with my dog, take naps, now I'm basically always driving. I have to go early, during the day, and late at night. Its pretty much just uber and the gym with little time for anything else just like a traditional job. And thats to make less too. About $800-900. Down from my $950-1000+. So in addition to everything else in this post I'm actually starting to worry and stress about money for the first time in a very long time. I'm extremely burnt out on driving now and recently realized I hadn't taken any kind of vacation since July/August 2023. So about a full year.

I'm at an age where friendships start to shift and turn as people get significant others and full time jobs and you just kind of fade away. And there's no ire. That's just the game. I love all my friends and I'd say about 3/8 check in here and there maybe. But for example, one has been saying she'll come after work for the past 3 months to meet my dog and hang out, as her commute passes right by my apartment. Has flaked every single time without fail. Always has a reason. Another friend moved quite far away and usually flakes on plans too. Was supposed to coordinate to have our dogs play together like the good old days cause its my dogs birthday weekend, I think she was busy this weekend and never reached out. My oldest friend since 6th grade hasnt returned my last 2 calls this past month and usually just ghosts any text. I believe he's vacationing in Montana with his gf and some friends, which im happy for. I understand I'm not a priority at this age. My second oldest friend also since 6th grade has bailed or ghosted when I attempt to invite him over to see my new place, as I had finally gotten around to seeing his and his gf's new place. Most recently I texted to ask if he finished the new batman show and that was like a week ago and no response. I'm not even frustrated so much as its just depressing the reality of getting older and watching friendships transmute from when you were younger. And all these people, all of them I just cited, have full time jobs that demand a LOT of hours and energy, and serious significant others they're moved in with and will likely marry, and their own friend groups and family etc etc. It's just the way it is.

Tried to get back into dating. Exhausted every single channel anyone could possibly postulate. Running clubs. Singles mixers. Speed dating. Approaching in public. Mutual friends. Dating apps. All to no avail. 70-80% being rejected or friendzoned by women I like, (strangely, sometimes even after a night of sex. This has happened twice.) And 20-30% feeling absolutely zero interest or connection in the other person to where I reject. Most recently, this woman who I was very friendly with for months now at my apartment, first name basis and all, finally asked for the number, she enthusiastically gave it and said we should hangout. I texted her today. Ghosted. Saw her walking her dog this evening like I usually do, she gave an awkward "I just ghosted you" smile. She was on her phone too. Another woman we met and hit it off. Then had a date at a coffee shop, spend 3+ hours there. Found out we had a ton in common. Date went amazingly. I walk her to her car after, she says she would love to keep hanging out and see each other again. Hug goodbye. I text her today. Ghosted. Another one, met her, hit it off, she ends up inviting me in after a ride home. Nothing happened but we had about 2 hours of great conversation and cuddled on her couch during. She actually asks for my number shockingly and says we should do this again sometime and hangout. I text her today. Ghosted. 3 in a row in one day. And that was all my options currently. I told my lady friends "all three will ghost" after I texted and they all told me not to think that way and I'm too cynical and they'll reply. But of course they didnt. They never do. My cynicism is always confirmed. The only thing people dont let me down on is in my expectation of disappointment from them. This has been typical of my dating experience and colored the last 10 months I'd say. I'm so used to it now I always expect to get ghosted, rejected, or friendzoned. Always. Not necessarily in that order but ya know. There's always something, and its always bad news or a let down.

I almost just ended it all a month or two ago. I was house sitting for my parents while they were in Europe, and I know the code to my dads gun safe. Went and unlocked it, held the loaded gun in my hand and really wanted to but didn't want them to come back from their vacation that they've been trying to go on since I was 10 years old to a dead son. Or ruin their vacation if the news made it to them over there. Nobody knows how close I came either. I really hate it all. I know, "why do we fall? To pick ourselves back up" But what kind of existence is constantly falling down and picking yourself back up to get knocked down again every time? Inevitably. It's miserable. I've witnessed myself go from an optimistic nihilist to just a pessimistic nihilist. I'm an atheist so I dont have any faith to turn to. There's nobody I feel like I can really talk to. Or that I feel even cares. Cant afford therapy right now. I don't derive any enjoyment anymore from my favorite foods, games, movies, places. I'm becoming completely numb. And It's so hard starting from scratch everytime and having to come back and be my best self time and time and time and time again. Nobody would ever know if they just knew me in person, I always, 99% of the time, never drop my goofy, funny, class clown exterior. I'm still the guy that makes everyone laugh and smile. The comedian. But it becomes harder every month. Through it all, through being let down by people, through all the disappointments, through financial turmoil, emotional distress, I always treat people with the upmost kindness and respect, try to be a good person, get a regular haircut, trim the beard, take care to personal hygiene, clean my room, care for my dog, and I've never skipped a week at the gym. But I'm just goin like a machine week after week I'm not sure how this can keep up for much longer. I don't even want to be alive for much longer honestly. If I could push a button and just be gone painlessly I'd do it in a nanosecond.

 

[Saiyan-Rox]

Yes mate even had an attempt last year and been too crisis teams and stuff

Same kinda thing where all friends have moved on and had families and my long term partner really badly dumped me and took the dogs with her (I didn't fight for them for reasons) so I was left with nothing.

My recommendation is to get some apps for meeting people like meetup. I have dog walking people around me who all meet up and there's tappetop meetups etc and some dating apps also have a friend's mode (bumble is one) and I've actually managed to find some good friends since from that.

Has this made the self deletion thoughys go away? No. But it's helped a bunch.

 

[RJMacready73]

This is waaaay above my pay grade lad, feel for you but it sounds like you need professional help

Also just to add, dude your 26 ffs, you've just started adulting, don't go down a route that ends your life before it even has a chance to begin, I didn't meet my wife till I was in my 30's, just keep plowing on, youre in an almighty dip at the moment but you will come out of it

 

[MrRibeye]

Brother, even Jesus was rejected in his hometown of Nazareth, and his response was to leave them behind and instead preach to those who are eager to hear his word.

Go where people need your presence, and they won't want you to ever leave. What use is there for a game master in a tabletop game without players? Take a seat.

You go to the gym every week. Those guys there can train without your help, so use your muscles instead for a team sport, where they can't play unless you show up. It's good to be needed. Go where people need you.

 

[Jinzo Prime]

Personally, I don't even try to date. I don't put my heart out there for some one to crush. Some might call it cowardly, but it's better than being that close to the edge.

Only advice I can give is to take a break from your routine if it's turning you into a robot.

Regular doctors can prescribe anti depressants in the States now, that's where I get my crazy pills.

Oh and make sure you aren't deficient in any Vitamins especially D, that used to be bad for my mental health.

 

[EviLore]

You're young still. No one has life figured out at 26. You're taking good care of yourself and paying the bills, that's more than a lot of people can say at any age. It’s something to feel good about.

Can't let your self-worth be dictated by external factors like whether old friends want to keep hanging out with you or strangers want to date you. These kinds of things happen to everyone, and when you’re depressed it tends to make social life all the more difficult anyway.

Might be time for a change, though. Work on your education, or build a side hustle, or learn a new skill. Get involved in a new activity or sport. You’ll meet like minded people along the way and have accomplishments to be proud of. Fitness and financials sorted out is a great baseline, so use it to take the next steps.

Also, you don’t need to treat everyone with the utmost kindness and respect if it’s not being reciprocated (and it won't be). That’s being a people pleaser, and it makes people lose respect for you and treat you worse, ironically. It’s a good thing to stand up for yourself and put your priorities first. A change of perspective there could transform everything else.

 

[Draugoth]

Spoiler: Spoiler

I am, right now.

 

[Guilty_AI]

Life is awful in all sort of ways and is filled with very specific tragedies, always has been. People used to deal with it through religion, but nowadays the average joe is just left to fend for himself in the winds of woe.

Personally i think it's very important to believe in higher things that go beyond the material, not necessarely religion A or B, just that there's more to life and the world than the closed dome we convinced ourselves is all there is. Naturally, considering how materialistic people are today, that can be very difficult to do on a personal level, but it works.

 

[calistan]

I went through some dark days in my early 20s, as I'm sure many people do. All I can say is that whatever your situation is today, it's unlikely to be the same a few years down the road, and the things that seem world-endingly important now can become a footnote in the continuing story of your life.

 

[Trilobit]

I'd advice you to seek mental help as it's very easy for things to spiral down where you only see the bad parts of life. It's sort of when you have fallen into a deep pit and all you see is the pit and to see anything else you need to get up from there. I would confide in at least some of your feelings to your parents and ask them for financial help in talking with a pyschiatrist if it's too expensive where you live. I guarantee they would much rather help you than see you hurting yourself.

Good luck!

 

[FunkMiller]

Since November, I've hated being alive. I'd easily venture to say I don't want to be alive anymore as well. I guess you might say it all kind of started with a very abrupt separation from a 3 year relationship. One night it's "I love everything about you", talking about marriage etc, 24 hours later dumping me and leaving. There's a story of course but I won't get into it. I'm sure its somewhere in my post history. From there I got into the worst car wreck of my life in january a scant 2 months later. Didnt have collision insurance so it was an immense financial setback and challenge.

I'm 26. I'm currently an uber driver. Tried to do traditional 9-5 work for about 4-5 years. Was miserable and depressed. Quit, started uber, and at first was pretty smug as I was doing a mere 25-29 hours a week ubering and hitting my $950-1000 a week goal for months on end. I wasnt rich, but I certainly wasnt poor either. And I had the automy of being my own boss and making my own schedule, and having zero sunday dread. This was invaluable to my already shaky mental health. I dont know where I'd be if I still did my regular mon-fri corporate work. Unfortunately lately it seems the well has dried up. As for the past month and a half uber has stopped doing all the extra promotions and "quests" (Complete X amount of rides, get a free $50,$60,$70 extra). For what reason I do not know, but I suspect corporate greed as per usual. What this means for me is my 25-29 hours per week has now turned into 34-39 hours. Usually on the higher end. An extra ~10 hours for the same money or less. So basically the exact same as the full time jobs I ran away from. So before while my life sucked I had the freedom to read, play video games, go hiking, ride my bike, play with my dog, take naps, now I'm basically always driving. I have to go early, during the day, and late at night. Its pretty much just uber and the gym with little time for anything else just like a traditional job. And thats to make less too. About $800-900. Down from my $950-1000+. So in addition to everything else in this post I'm actually starting to worry and stress about money for the first time in a very long time. I'm extremely burnt out on driving now and recently realized I hadn't taken any kind of vacation since July/August 2023. So about a full year.

I'm at an age where friendships start to shift and turn as people get significant others and full time jobs and you just kind of fade away. And there's no ire. That's just the game. I love all my friends and I'd say about 3/8 check in here and there maybe. But for example, one has been saying she'll come after work for the past 3 months to meet my dog and hang out, as her commute passes right by my apartment. Has flaked every single time without fail. Always has a reason. Another friend moved quite far away and usually flakes on plans too. Was supposed to coordinate to have our dogs play together like the good old days cause its my dogs birthday weekend, I think she was busy this weekend and never reached out. My oldest friend since 6th grade hasnt returned my last 2 calls this past month and usually just ghosts any text. I believe he's vacationing in Montana with his gf and some friends, which im happy for. I understand I'm not a priority at this age. My second oldest friend also since 6th grade has bailed or ghosted when I attempt to invite him over to see my new place, as I had finally gotten around to seeing his and his gf's new place. Most recently I texted to ask if he finished the new batman show and that was like a week ago and no response. I'm not even frustrated so much as its just depressing the reality of getting older and watching friendships transmute from when you were younger. And all these people, all of them I just cited, have full time jobs that demand a LOT of hours and energy, and serious significant others they're moved in with and will likely marry, and their own friend groups and family etc etc. It's just the way it is.

Tried to get back into dating. Exhausted every single channel anyone could possibly postulate. Running clubs. Singles mixers. Speed dating. Approaching in public. Mutual friends. Dating apps. All to no avail. 70-80% being rejected or friendzoned by women I like, (strangely, sometimes even after a night of sex. This has happened twice.) And 20-30% feeling absolutely zero interest or connection in the other person to where I reject. Most recently, this woman who I was very friendly with for months now at my apartment, first name basis and all, finally asked for the number, she enthusiastically gave it and said we should hangout. I texted her today. Ghosted. Saw her walking her dog this evening like I usually do, she gave an awkward "I just ghosted you" smile. She was on her phone too. Another woman we met and hit it off. Then had a date at a coffee shop, spend 3+ hours there. Found out we had a ton in common. Date went amazingly. I walk her to her car after, she says she would love to keep hanging out and see each other again. Hug goodbye. I text her today. Ghosted. Another one, met her, hit it off, she ends up inviting me in after a ride home. Nothing happened but we had about 2 hours of great conversation and cuddled on her couch during. She actually asks for my number shockingly and says we should do this again sometime and hangout. I text her today. Ghosted. 3 in a row in one day. And that was all my options currently. I told my lady friends "all three will ghost" after I texted and they all told me not to think that way and I'm too cynical and they'll reply. But of course they didnt. They never do. My cynicism is always confirmed. The only thing people dont let me down on is in my expectation of disappointment from them. This has been typical of my dating experience and colored the last 10 months I'd say. I'm so used to it now I always expect to get ghosted, rejected, or friendzoned. Always. Not necessarily in that order but ya know. There's always something, and its always bad news or a let down.

I almost just ended it all a month or two ago. I was house sitting for my parents while they were in Europe, and I know the code to my dads gun safe. Went and unlocked it, held the loaded gun in my hand and really wanted to but didn't want them to come back from their vacation that they've been trying to go on since I was 10 years old to a dead son. Or ruin their vacation if the news made it to them over there. Nobody knows how close I came either. I really hate it all. I know, "why do we fall? To pick ourselves back up" But what kind of existence is constantly falling down and picking yourself back up to get knocked down again every time? Inevitably. It's miserable. I've witnessed myself go from an optimistic nihilist to just a pessimistic nihilist. I'm an atheist so I dont have any faith to turn to. There's nobody I feel like I can really talk to. Or that I feel even cares. Cant afford therapy right now. I don't derive any enjoyment anymore from my favorite foods, games, movies, places. I'm becoming completely numb. And It's so hard starting from scratch everytime and having to come back and be my best self time and time and time and time again. Nobody would ever know if they just knew me in person, I always, 99% of the time, never drop my goofy, funny, class clown exterior. I'm still the guy that makes everyone laugh and smile. The comedian. But it becomes harder every month. Through it all, through being let down by people, through all the disappointments, through financial turmoil, emotional distress, I always treat people with the upmost kindness and respect, try to be a good person, get a regular haircut, trim the beard, take care to personal hygiene, clean my room, care for my dog, and I've never skipped a week at the gym. But I'm just goin like a machine week after week I'm not sure how this can keep up for much longer. I don't even want to be alive for much longer honestly. If I could push a button and just be gone painlessly I'd do it in a nanosecond.

You're suffering from clinical depression, which is something you will get absolutely zero help with from anyone here, because none of us are mental healthcare professionals.

Make an appointment with your doctor. If you have a physical disease you seek medical help. What you have is no different. And no shame should be attached accordingly. Seek the appropriate help.

 

[HeisenbergFX4]

Please keep talking to people and find the right people to help you

There is zero shame in asking for help

I lost a great friend this way not all that long ago and no one knew the demons he was fighting and the pain his family went through and still deals with

Get the right people in your corner, keep fighting

 

[AJUMP23]

Back in college I don't know if I struggled but I went through a period of not wanting to be on earth. I spent time praying about it, and I talked to my pastor. I never felt suicidal, just that everything seemed pointless. Much like Solomon in the book of Ecclesiastes. But I came through the other side much better and a much greater understanding of myself and my role.

 

[TheInfamousKira]

My recommendation is stop giving a fuck about dating - full stop. If you get in a good partnership, that's just the shit, isn't it? But what literally changes about your life? Less frequent sex? Less money in the household? Isolation? You are your own greatest ally, and chances are 10 to 1 in any given scenario that you will have your own back better than someone else will. We aren't love doves designed in a pair; one person is perfectly sustainable by one person. Stop thinking you're a puzzle piece forever incomplete and it will center responsibility on yourself, as opposed to a nebulous scenario that would fix your life if you just stumble upon the right person.

You are the right person. No one has more experience with your thoughts, emotions, and view of the world than you do.

Edit: For real, you get one experience as a flesh puppet. The world is full as fuck with possibilities. If the situation is giving you resistance - regardless of what it is - that's like mental physics. All of that stress and restlessness is your brain telling you that you need to change your approach.

Life isn't a movie or a music video. It's not idealized. There are no "normal," people, there are no tortured artists and lost souls. If something is negatively impacting your life, find something else. I maintain, however, that it starts internally. Strip away the platitudes and semantics and what-ifs and take a long embarrassing look at your life. Really stare down the shit that's bogging you down. Come to terms with your weaknesses and work on them.

I'm no spiritualist or crystal healer or whatever, but the legitimate feeling of enlightenment and freedom you get from the realization that you control your own life is fucking AMAZING. You can do it, dude.

 

[Days like these...]

"In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.

And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back."

Camus

Hang in there! You are stronger than your ideations

 

[SlimySnake]

Go to a therapist ASAP. Tell your parents.

 

[Valonquar]

The one thing worse than being miserable and single, is being miserable and married.

 

[jason10mm]

Dude, call 988 right now. Talk to those folks. It can't hurt, can only help. If you are just a bit bummed and need a pick me up, then it will be an easy call for them and easy for you. If you are seriously contemplating suicide then this is WHAT THEY DO and they will point you to help.

FWIW sounds like you are just 1 good relationship away from being in a good place. ONE GOOD RELATIONSHIP.

And look into amazon deliveries, I think they offer a more consistent $$$/hr rate.

 

[Duellist]

After the year I’ve had( losing partial vision in my eye then diagnosed with MS and then Kidney Cancer all within 2 months) it’s definitely crossed my mind. Luckily I have a great wife and 2 kids or not sure I would have made it. Even with the support it hard to keep those thoughts out of your head. It’s been the worst year of my life by far and it’s not over yet. Sorry wasn’t much help but remember it can always be worse man.

 

[BadBurger]

OP please go see a counselor and if they warrant it a full blown shrink. You should not be having these thoughts as a young person. You should be dreaming of things to accomplish, loves to be met, youthful things.

Please seek help man.

 

[Nester99]

Yes, Two major fights with depression in my life, at the typical life moments (College and middle age) - i am 46 now, i have had a text book successful life with all the things you say are "lacking" - depression still hit me very hard.

What i have learned is Everything in this world changes, and everything in this world is temporary.

No THING or Person "out there" can bring happiness. it must come from within,

A mindset changed helped me

First came
"Acceptance" This is life, this is who i am, this is what i built,. i lack and long, but i will accept this moment and forgive myself for how i got here. No amount of friends will be enough, no number in the bank will "be enough" when it can all be zero in a heart beat. i accept this as fact, and it seemed to lose power.

Then came - "Willingness" i am willing to make a change, i am willing to act and move forward. I am willing

Then came "courage" - I can make a step, i can get up, i can be who i am. I can REJECT the negativity in my head for what it is. A thought, NOT MY THOUGHT. but a thought. I capture it then dismiss it. I have courage to be the leader in my own life.


I am what i hold in mind, - YOU ARE what YOU hold in mind.

Have a negative thought? ACCEPT IT, accept it was thought, then have the WILLING and COURAGE to REJECT IT. Its a skill, its a muscle, after a while it becomes instant. I now think "i am not good enough" and my brain instantly says, "that's not true, take that mental image of failure and blow it up"

The author Dr David R Hawkins helped me a lot,

“The greater our attachment to that which is outside of ourselves, the greater is our overall level of fear and vulnerability to loss.”
― David R. Hawkins, Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender

“but our self with a small “s” actually enjoys an impoverished life and all the negativity that goes with it: feeling unworthy, being invalidated, judging others and ourselves, being inflated, always “winning” and being “right,” grieving the past, fearing the future, nursing our wounds, craving assurance, and seeking love instead of giving it.”
― David R. Hawkins, Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender

“One of the most common areas in which we see this emotional crippling is after divorce. All too often it is followed by bitterness and the impaired capacity to create a new loving relationship. The unwillingness to let go of the blame continues the emotional crippling, which can go on for years, or even a lifetime. When we come upon bitterness, what we have really discovered is an unhealed area in our own emotional makeup, and the effort that we put into healing it will bring enormous rewards. In any situation which involves suffering, we have to ask ourselves: “How long am I willing to pay the cost? What were the karmic propensities to begin with? How much blame is enough? Is there a time to call an end to it? How long will I hang on to it? How much sacrifice am I willing to pay to the other person for their wrongs, real or imaginary? How much guilt is enough? How much self-punishment is enough? When will I give up the secret pleasure of the self-punishment? When does the sentence come to an end?” When we really examine it, we will always find that we have been punishing ourselves for ignorance, naïveté, innocence, and lack of inner education.”
― David R. Hawkins, Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender


“With courage, there is the willingness to take chances and to let go of former securities. There is the willingness to grow and benefit from new experiences. This involves the capacity to admit mistakes without indulging in guilt and self-recrimination. Our sense of self-worth is not diminished by looking at areas that need improvement. We are able to admit the presence of problems without being diminished. As a result, energy, time, and effort are put into self-improvement. On this level, statements of intention and purpose are much more powerful and envisioned results tend to manifest. We are much more enterprising and creative, because our energies are not drained by the constant preoccupation with emotional or physical survival. Because of greater flexibility, there is a willingness to examine issues with a view to changing overall meaning and context. There is a willingness to risk shifting paradigms.”
― David R. Hawkins, Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender

More good ones here

The 4 Best Letting Go Book Quotes by David R. Hawkins

Once you learn how to let go, you'll be free to enjoy things without depending on them for joy. Learn more with these Letting Go book quotes.

www.shortform.com

I wish you the absolute best, Feel free reach out should you ever need to talk.

 

[Tams]

Be selfish. Keep going just for yourself and the few who do care about you (only your parents and your dog by the sounds of it).

Don't be an arsehole, be kind, nice, polite and all, but ultimately do stuff for yourself. Take off the mask (comedic in your case) and, deep breathe, just be yourself. Fuck what anyone else thinks.

If you then end up finding someone who wants to live with that you, fantastic! If not, eh, so what?

If you can find something you're really passionate about, that will really help.

As for Uber, while I'm sure there's some corporate greed there, I'm pretty sure they've never been a profitable company; constantly in startup mode. They aren't a secure financial future.

 

[INC]

Yes daily, I fantasy death all the time, like I could put my foot down and dive straight into this wall

There's various reasons why, lack of self worth, relationships trauma, the world generally not feeling real and therefore pointless, like I'm in a weird play, but I'm neither and actor or audience member, so I'm not even really taking part or know how too.

I see people all around me, finding joy and genuine happiness and realising I'm not sure I really know what that feels like, I know what it's like to fake that to try and fit in, but never truly feeling right in my own skin

People don't really seem to think how I do either, there's moments of relation, and other times I can feel people looking at me like I'm completely off my head (mainly for explaining what goes round in my head, or how I see certain things)

As to why I don't do anything about it and just end it, probably because I see people around me, I know I'd hurt if I did, and they've invested time and emotions into me, and I'm.not that selfish to disappoint them. It's another reason I think I'll never really try and connect with someone special again, because one more fuck over would be the last pull of the trigger

I've recently been told that I've got autistic tendencies and adhd, I don't care to get properly looked at or take any medication, I 100% should go to therapy to iron some of this shit out, but that costs money and time, which I have limited of both

Not sure how this helps you, but there it is

 

[TheInfamousKira]

Yes daily, I fantasy death all the time, like I could put my foot down and dive straight into this wall

There's various reasons why, lack of self worth, relationships trauma, the world generally not feeling real and therefore pointless, like I'm in a weird play, but I'm neither and actor or audience member, so I'm not even really taking part or know how too.

I see people all around me, finding joy and genuine happiness and realising I'm not sure I really know what that feels like, I know what it's like to fake that to try and fit in, but never truly feeling right in my own skin

People don't really seem to think how I do either, there's moments of relation, and other times I can feel people looking at me like I'm completely off my head (mainly for explaining what goes round in my head, or how I see certain things)

As to why I don't do anything about it and just end it, probably because I see people around me, I know I'd hurt if I did, and they've invested time and emotions into me, and I'm.not that selfish to disappoint them. It's another reason I think I'll never really try and connect with someone special again, because one more fuck over would be the last pull of the trigger

I've recently been told that I've got autistic tendencies and adhd, I don't care to get properly looked at or take any medication, I 100% should go to therapy to iron some of this shit out, but that costs money and time, which I have limited of both

Not sure how this helps you, but there it is

See, I was like this for a long time (had a failed marriage, had drug problems, nearly died, was still broke and miserable, lmao) and for the longest time I was just a miserable ball of tightly wound stress and powder keg rage/depression episodes. I had to basically lose everything I owned and sleep in the woods and shit for like six months. It took having all of that ego - literal and figurative - stripped away so that it was nothing but me and my demons. What I found is when you're literally at rock bottom, most people will shed the romanticized ideas about sweet release from the great black void when death is breathing on their face, and instead fight like hell.

Maybe it's a survival instinct from our reptile brains or some shit, but the standard idea isn't "Oh, cool, I've been wanting this!" it's "Get your shit together so things stop sucking," I realized that all of my addictions, vices, personal/social drama, all of it was a construct I was willingly locking myself inside and then immediately whimper about being trapped. Have bad people in your life? Phase them out. Need good people in your life? Project an approachable and calm demeanor. People can sense bad vibes. Sounds stupid, but it's true.

This can and does apply to most things. If life is pulling a tug of war game with me, it's my sign to go in a completely oblique direction from what's currently giving me shit. The world is huge. Everyone is fucked up. Everyone feels like their peers are doing better, or that they should be further in life then they are. It's like public speaking. Once you realize that the crowd is mostly filled with assholes who are thinking about their grocery list, or picking up that prescription before the pharmacy closes, the claminess disappears. Sonderism is cool. Main character syndrome isn't. The world will never give as much of a fuck about you, for better or worse, than you think it does. Consequently, the less of a fuck you give about other people's machinations, the calmer you'll be.

Same applies to relationships. People can smell desperation similar to bad vibes. There must be some pheromone responsible or some shit. Love quests are fucking retarded. Live your life, and see what unfolds organically, for God's sake. You aren't shopping for cars or looking for jobs. Don't itemize every aspect of your life like a Ubisoft game and wonder why it feels like your soul evaporated.

That doesn't all apply to you, your post was just a good excuse to ramble. Cheers.

 

[Days like these...]

"Shame on the man who goes to his grave escorted by the miserable hopes that have kept him alive."

Cioran

 

[Durien]

Hey man, sit down with your parents and talk to them about how you feel and what you are going through. It sounds like depression to me and you should talk to someone who can provide you the help you need. Just by talking to your parents that should give you some relief because keeping it bottled up inside just makes it worse. Maybe stay with your parents for a while to give you some company and to keep an eye on you for a bit.

Keep your chin up and give your parents a call, tell them you need to stop by to talk about something important. Let them know you need help. I'm a parent and would definitely want my kids to let me know so we could come up with a game plan to get help. Depression is no joke dude.

 

[sigmaZ]

Since November, I've hated being alive. I'd easily venture to say I don't want to be alive anymore as well. I guess you might say it all kind of started with a very abrupt separation from a 3 year relationship. One night it's "I love everything about you", talking about marriage etc, 24 hours later dumping me and leaving. There's a story of course but I won't get into it. I'm sure its somewhere in my post history. From there I got into the worst car wreck of my life in january a scant 2 months later. Didnt have collision insurance so it was an immense financial setback and challenge.

I'm 26. I'm currently an uber driver. Tried to do traditional 9-5 work for about 4-5 years. Was miserable and depressed. Quit, started uber, and at first was pretty smug as I was doing a mere 25-29 hours a week ubering and hitting my $950-1000 a week goal for months on end. I wasnt rich, but I certainly wasnt poor either. And I had the automy of being my own boss and making my own schedule, and having zero sunday dread. This was invaluable to my already shaky mental health. I dont know where I'd be if I still did my regular mon-fri corporate work. Unfortunately lately it seems the well has dried up. As for the past month and a half uber has stopped doing all the extra promotions and "quests" (Complete X amount of rides, get a free $50,$60,$70 extra). For what reason I do not know, but I suspect corporate greed as per usual. What this means for me is my 25-29 hours per week has now turned into 34-39 hours. Usually on the higher end. An extra ~10 hours for the same money or less. So basically the exact same as the full time jobs I ran away from. So before while my life sucked I had the freedom to read, play video games, go hiking, ride my bike, play with my dog, take naps, now I'm basically always driving. I have to go early, during the day, and late at night. Its pretty much just uber and the gym with little time for anything else just like a traditional job. And thats to make less too. About $800-900. Down from my $950-1000+. So in addition to everything else in this post I'm actually starting to worry and stress about money for the first time in a very long time. I'm extremely burnt out on driving now and recently realized I hadn't taken any kind of vacation since July/August 2023. So about a full year.

I'm at an age where friendships start to shift and turn as people get significant others and full time jobs and you just kind of fade away. And there's no ire. That's just the game. I love all my friends and I'd say about 3/8 check in here and there maybe. But for example, one has been saying she'll come after work for the past 3 months to meet my dog and hang out, as her commute passes right by my apartment. Has flaked every single time without fail. Always has a reason. Another friend moved quite far away and usually flakes on plans too. Was supposed to coordinate to have our dogs play together like the good old days cause its my dogs birthday weekend, I think she was busy this weekend and never reached out. My oldest friend since 6th grade hasnt returned my last 2 calls this past month and usually just ghosts any text. I believe he's vacationing in Montana with his gf and some friends, which im happy for. I understand I'm not a priority at this age. My second oldest friend also since 6th grade has bailed or ghosted when I attempt to invite him over to see my new place, as I had finally gotten around to seeing his and his gf's new place. Most recently I texted to ask if he finished the new batman show and that was like a week ago and no response. I'm not even frustrated so much as its just depressing the reality of getting older and watching friendships transmute from when you were younger. And all these people, all of them I just cited, have full time jobs that demand a LOT of hours and energy, and serious significant others they're moved in with and will likely marry, and their own friend groups and family etc etc. It's just the way it is.

Tried to get back into dating. Exhausted every single channel anyone could possibly postulate. Running clubs. Singles mixers. Speed dating. Approaching in public. Mutual friends. Dating apps. All to no avail. 70-80% being rejected or friendzoned by women I like, (strangely, sometimes even after a night of sex. This has happened twice.) And 20-30% feeling absolutely zero interest or connection in the other person to where I reject. Most recently, this woman who I was very friendly with for months now at my apartment, first name basis and all, finally asked for the number, she enthusiastically gave it and said we should hangout. I texted her today. Ghosted. Saw her walking her dog this evening like I usually do, she gave an awkward "I just ghosted you" smile. She was on her phone too. Another woman we met and hit it off. Then had a date at a coffee shop, spend 3+ hours there. Found out we had a ton in common. Date went amazingly. I walk her to her car after, she says she would love to keep hanging out and see each other again. Hug goodbye. I text her today. Ghosted. Another one, met her, hit it off, she ends up inviting me in after a ride home. Nothing happened but we had about 2 hours of great conversation and cuddled on her couch during. She actually asks for my number shockingly and says we should do this again sometime and hangout. I text her today. Ghosted. 3 in a row in one day. And that was all my options currently. I told my lady friends "all three will ghost" after I texted and they all told me not to think that way and I'm too cynical and they'll reply. But of course they didnt. They never do. My cynicism is always confirmed. The only thing people dont let me down on is in my expectation of disappointment from them. This has been typical of my dating experience and colored the last 10 months I'd say. I'm so used to it now I always expect to get ghosted, rejected, or friendzoned. Always. Not necessarily in that order but ya know. There's always something, and its always bad news or a let down.

I almost just ended it all a month or two ago. I was house sitting for my parents while they were in Europe, and I know the code to my dads gun safe. Went and unlocked it, held the loaded gun in my hand and really wanted to but didn't want them to come back from their vacation that they've been trying to go on since I was 10 years old to a dead son. Or ruin their vacation if the news made it to them over there. Nobody knows how close I came either. I really hate it all. I know, "why do we fall? To pick ourselves back up" But what kind of existence is constantly falling down and picking yourself back up to get knocked down again every time? Inevitably. It's miserable. I've witnessed myself go from an optimistic nihilist to just a pessimistic nihilist. I'm an atheist so I dont have any faith to turn to. There's nobody I feel like I can really talk to. Or that I feel even cares. Cant afford therapy right now. I don't derive any enjoyment anymore from my favorite foods, games, movies, places. I'm becoming completely numb. And It's so hard starting from scratch everytime and having to come back and be my best self time and time and time and time again. Nobody would ever know if they just knew me in person, I always, 99% of the time, never drop my goofy, funny, class clown exterior. I'm still the guy that makes everyone laugh and smile. The comedian. But it becomes harder every month. Through it all, through being let down by people, through all the disappointments, through financial turmoil, emotional distress, I always treat people with the upmost kindness and respect, try to be a good person, get a regular haircut, trim the beard, take care to personal hygiene, clean my room, care for my dog, and I've never skipped a week at the gym. But I'm just goin like a machine week after week I'm not sure how this can keep up for much longer. I don't even want to be alive for much longer honestly. If I could push a button and just be gone painlessly I'd do it in a nanosecond.

It was a long time ago, but I've been in that head space.
I suck with words so only inspiration I can provide is this:


My best advice is don't use your thoughts as a barometer for your contentment. Acknowledge them for what they are and cry when you have to cry, but underneath all the worries and the doubts is a stable mind free of all of it. Holding on to our negative emotions is like squeezing our fist with a fistful of needles.
Learning to let go can be a long, arduous process, but I am glad I went through it. No longer am I a slave to my social anxiety or other mental ailments. I can live like air. I can be emotional when I need to be, and stoic when the circumstances call for it.

Life has taught me that the biggest changes tend to start with the smallest actions. Whenever I get into a rut, I know what to do. Just cleaning your room or deviating from your normal routine can lead to a drastic build up of changes in your life.

I'm sorry if none of this is useful, but you are as good and worthy to live as anyone else on this planet. Change things up. Redefine yourself. The journey may be endless, but the fun is in the fight. Good luck buddy!

 

[Ophiuchus]

Man, I’m really sorry you’re dealing with all this. Life just keeps piling on, and it’s exhausting. You’re doing your best, and that takes real strength.

 

[Aesius]

Life is a gift. You have all of eternity to not exist. Might as well make the most of it while you're here.

 

[Outlier]

I feel ya.

Let's makes this simple.

We're going to die, one way or another, so why not try to do as many enjoyable things as possible, before we go?

The more you care about how you're suppose to live, the more you miss the forest for the trees.

That's really all it comes down to.

 

[Mossybrew]

My answer is No, never. I hope that's not insensitive to those who have struggled, but the question was asked. I'm lucky for every day I randomly exist on this weird planet.

 

[John Bilbo]

Yes, often times in my life I've felt this way. Therapy has given me a way to gain a tool to figure out why the feeling exists for me. For me the basis is in trauma.

Nobody would ever know if they just knew me in person, I always, 99% of the time, never drop my goofy, funny, class clown exterior. I'm still the guy that makes everyone laugh and smile. The comedian. But it becomes harder every month. Through it all, through being let down by people, through all the disappointments, through financial turmoil, emotional distress, I always treat people with the upmost kindness and respect, try to be a good person, get a regular haircut, trim the beard, take care to personal hygiene, clean my room, care for my dog, and I've never skipped a week at the gym.

I recommend speaking about this quoted portion with a therapist or someone qualified in the mental health field.

 

[OverHeat]

Yep...tried to take my life in 2020....PDST is a bitch.
Therapy help, but its always in the back of your mind.

 

[Rockondevil]

I’ve never once not enjoyed each day.
I’ve had jobs paying $7 an hour when I was a little younger than you. I’ve worked in telemarketing. I’ve done sooo many things and it’s all just a new experience.
I know life is short so I don’t waste my time not being happy.

However my wife often sees a psych and has had plenty of mental health issues.
I get it’s expensive but maybe something to look in to.
Maybe talk your parents for help because I know as a parent of a little kid who also had some mental health issues I’d do or pay for anything he needed no matter his age.

 

[SF Kosmo]

I think it's important to understand depression as either illness or injury or a combination and to treat it as such. If you're struggling to stay motivated and handle what life throws at you, a therapist is absolutely vital.

I have had some pretty big ups and downs in life, certainly times when I have felt depressed (especially when unemployed or after a big break up), but they never made me feel suicidal. Suicidal thoughts are usually correlated to some kind of clinical depression, not just life being hard.


It's less to the main point, but with regard to the dating thing it seems like you're doing something really wrong in the space between when the date ends and you try to set another date, are you waiting two weeks to text these girls?

 

[arkhamguy123]

I think it's important to understand depression as either illness or injury or a combination and to treat it as such. If you're struggling to stay motivated and handle what life throws at you, a therapist is absolutely vital.

I have had some pretty big ups and downs in life, certainly times when I have felt depressed (especially when unemployed or after a big break up), but they never made me feel suicidal. Suicidal thoughts are usually correlated to some kind of clinical depression, not just life being hard.


It's less to the main point, but with regard to the dating thing it seems like you're doing something really wrong in the space between when the date ends and you try to set another date, are you waiting two weeks to text these girls?

1-3 days. Run my texts by my 2 conventionally attractive lady friends. Sometimes another guy friend. They give the thumbs up, say “yeah that’s good, I’d like that”. I send.

I think the thing I’m doing wrong is dating in a major metroplex. Endless options for hot women. I’m an NPC amongst literal dozens. (A lot of them have actually shown me their hinge matches it’s literally dozens) I’m basically just playing the lottery quick pick with these texts and these women

 

[SF Kosmo]

1-3 days. Run my texts by my 2 conventionally attractive lady friends. Sometimes another guy friend. They give the thumbs up, say “yeah that’s good, I’d like that”. I send.

I think the thing I’m doing wrong is dating in a major metroplex. Endless options for hot women. I’m an NPC amongst literal dozens. (A lot of them have actually shown me their hinge matches it’s literally dozens) I’m basically just playing the lottery quick pick with these texts and these women

Nah, dating in a metro is way easier, I went full roster-mode when I got to NYC. It can be a bit more superficial about career stuff, though, because women in cities have good careers and want you to at least be on their level. And if you're focusing only on "hot" women, you're kind of playing a rigged claw machine that only pays out every 100 tries.

 

[NecrosaroIII]

Every day, my friend. I'm not stupid. I know I have a great life. But I find when I don't have a purpose, I feel empty. I think I have a purpose - to write really bad fiction. As long as I can chip away at my projects 30 minutes to 1 hour a day, and feel like I made "progress" I feel fulfilled.

Find your purpose.

 

[The Sum of Zero]

Daily. Life is exhausting, but I don't have the guts to end it. So I persist, somehow or another.

 

[Insane Metal]

Yes. I sought professionl help and it worked for me. Hopefully you find a direction for your life too. Never give up mate.

 

[MaestroMike]

 

[ForAcademicPurposes]

If Humans were Xenomorphs.

 

[arkhamguy123]

Nah, dating in a metro is way easier, I went full roster-mode when I got to NYC. It can be a bit more superficial about career stuff, though, because women in cities have good careers and want you to at least be on their level. And if you're focusing only on "hot" women, you're kind of playing a rigged claw machine that only pays out every 100 tries.

I have not enjoyed the same experience

And I just meant attractive basically

 

[Hudo]

I strongly recommend getting professional help.

However, whenever i feel down, I read this, written by Yoko Taro:

■
This is a serious topic, so I’m writing this while being sober.
■
For a while now, every so often through Twitter DMs or the like, I’d get messages like “I was depressed and thinking of dying, but I feel like I’ve been saved after playing your games”, or “I’ve always thought myself as kind of strange and not really fitting in, but now I feel like somebody understands me”. This isn’t exactly my intent while I’m making games, but, well, though it might just have been a coincidence, I’m happy to have helped in some way.
■
While staring at my Twitter timeline late in to the night, I do often see streams of messages saying things like “I want to die” or “Living is just suffering”. I don’t know if the people who are writing these messages are just messing around, or if they’re actually suffering, but I do get the feeling that among my fans there’s a large percentage of people with low self esteem.
Of course, I myself suffer from low self-esteem issues, so it might just be a case of like-minded people summoning each other.
Anyway, when I see these tweets saying things like “I want to die”, I’m reminded of something that happened more than twenty years ago.
■
I was on a training program for new hires for the game company, Namco. Part of the program involved us staying over at a facility somewhere.
Man, I remember it being pretty fun. It was like a bunch of youngsters doing dumb stuff together. Since there were a bunch of girls who were also doing the stay-over, I was pretty excited.
For the stay over, we shared rooms. Guys would share rooms with guys. After a particularly rowdy night, I was settling down to bed. A room mate came up to me with a really dark expression on his face, muttering things like “I don’t know what I’m living for”, and “I’m in pain”, and “I want to die”.
I really didn’t know what to say. Sure, we were batch-mates in the sense that we were both new hires, but I’d only known him for a few days. It wasn’t like we were that close, and I was just a young kid of 22 or so.
Even so, I at least had the knowledge to understand that saying something as irresponsible as “You can do it!” to someone who was really suffering was not a good idea. And so, since I didn’t know what else to say, I replied with “I really don’t know what to do in situations like this. I don’t know what I should say. But, if you’re really suffering, I think you should get some professional help.” He had come to me with a serious problem, and so I tried my best to be careful with the words I used.
That night passed without further incident. In the morning it looked like he had cheered up. And yet, about 2–3 months after the training program, I heard that he had committed suicide.
It’s not like I was overwhelmed with grief at his passing. In those days, new hires were hired together in large batches, and we never met again after the training program. We really weren’t that close. I had honestly done what I could, to the best of my abilities, so I didn’t really feel guilty either.
In any case, I’ve always highly valued personal freedom. Back then, I didn’t really understand to what extent one should get in the way of somebody who really wants to kill themselves. I honestly still don’t. Since everybody suffers in their own way, I can’t fundamentally disagree with anyone who honestly thinks “I would be better off dead”.
■
Still, I often thought about it afterwards. What was the right thing to say back then?
Even when I think about it now, if someone were to say to me “I want to die”, or “Living is just suffering”, there’s no way I would be able to show them how to solve their problems. After all, my Twitter followers are almost strangers to me. I’m not really close to them at all.
And yet, seeing these almost-strangers write things like “I want to die” and “Living is just suffering”, my heart begins to ache. “Is it really alright to just leave them alone?” I wonder. At the very least, the fact that they follow me on Twitter means that they know about me. Yes, we’re not exactly close, but it’s not like we have absolutely nothing to do with each other.
I still think the best thing to do is to seek professional help. And yet, instead of saying something like that, an answer that is appropriate for strangers, if I were to be asked the same question now I’d like to answer in my own way, with my own words:
“I would be sad if you were to pass away”.
■
Maybe those were the words that were really needed on that night more than twenty years ago.
I can’t even remember his name anymore, so there’s certainly some amount of hypocrisy about me writing about his death on Twitter now. And yet, since I do have over 100 thousand followers, I hope this can be helpful to at least one person. That this time around it might not be too late.
That’s what I think, anyway.

Spoiler: source

(translation source: ):

 

[SF Kosmo]

I have not enjoyed the same experience

And I just meant attractive basically

It definitely depends where you are too, like San Francisco is a nightmare because the professional class is very disproportionately male, but in NYC it's the opposite so it's basically a buffet for any guy who has a college degree and a half respectable job.

 

[arkhamguy123]

It definitely depends where you are too, like San Francisco is a nightmare because the professional class is very disproportionately male, but in NYC it's the opposite so it's basically a buffet for any guy who has a college degree and a half respectable job.

Sadly when I was living in NYC I was not single

In DFW currently. It’s a challenging dating market

 

[West Texas CEO]

I've had this issue before, but I refuse to let them win.

 

[Toons]

Since November, I've hated being alive. I'd easily venture to say I don't want to be alive anymore as well. I guess you might say it all kind of started with a very abrupt separation from a 3 year relationship. One night it's "I love everything about you", talking about marriage etc, 24 hours later dumping me and leaving. There's a story of course but I won't get into it. I'm sure its somewhere in my post history. From there I got into the worst car wreck of my life in january a scant 2 months later. Didnt have collision insurance so it was an immense financial setback and challenge.

I'm 26. I'm currently an uber driver. Tried to do traditional 9-5 work for about 4-5 years. Was miserable and depressed. Quit, started uber, and at first was pretty smug as I was doing a mere 25-29 hours a week ubering and hitting my $950-1000 a week goal for months on end. I wasnt rich, but I certainly wasnt poor either. And I had the automy of being my own boss and making my own schedule, and having zero sunday dread. This was invaluable to my already shaky mental health. I dont know where I'd be if I still did my regular mon-fri corporate work. Unfortunately lately it seems the well has dried up. As for the past month and a half uber has stopped doing all the extra promotions and "quests" (Complete X amount of rides, get a free $50,$60,$70 extra). For what reason I do not know, but I suspect corporate greed as per usual. What this means for me is my 25-29 hours per week has now turned into 34-39 hours. Usually on the higher end. An extra ~10 hours for the same money or less. So basically the exact same as the full time jobs I ran away from. So before while my life sucked I had the freedom to read, play video games, go hiking, ride my bike, play with my dog, take naps, now I'm basically always driving. I have to go early, during the day, and late at night. Its pretty much just uber and the gym with little time for anything else just like a traditional job. And thats to make less too. About $800-900. Down from my $950-1000+. So in addition to everything else in this post I'm actually starting to worry and stress about money for the first time in a very long time. I'm extremely burnt out on driving now and recently realized I hadn't taken any kind of vacation since July/August 2023. So about a full year.

I'm at an age where friendships start to shift and turn as people get significant others and full time jobs and you just kind of fade away. And there's no ire. That's just the game. I love all my friends and I'd say about 3/8 check in here and there maybe. But for example, one has been saying she'll come after work for the past 3 months to meet my dog and hang out, as her commute passes right by my apartment. Has flaked every single time without fail. Always has a reason. Another friend moved quite far away and usually flakes on plans too. Was supposed to coordinate to have our dogs play together like the good old days cause its my dogs birthday weekend, I think she was busy this weekend and never reached out. My oldest friend since 6th grade hasnt returned my last 2 calls this past month and usually just ghosts any text. I believe he's vacationing in Montana with his gf and some friends, which im happy for. I understand I'm not a priority at this age. My second oldest friend also since 6th grade has bailed or ghosted when I attempt to invite him over to see my new place, as I had finally gotten around to seeing his and his gf's new place. Most recently I texted to ask if he finished the new batman show and that was like a week ago and no response. I'm not even frustrated so much as its just depressing the reality of getting older and watching friendships transmute from when you were younger. And all these people, all of them I just cited, have full time jobs that demand a LOT of hours and energy, and serious significant others they're moved in with and will likely marry, and their own friend groups and family etc etc. It's just the way it is.

Tried to get back into dating. Exhausted every single channel anyone could possibly postulate. Running clubs. Singles mixers. Speed dating. Approaching in public. Mutual friends. Dating apps. All to no avail. 70-80% being rejected or friendzoned by women I like, (strangely, sometimes even after a night of sex. This has happened twice.) And 20-30% feeling absolutely zero interest or connection in the other person to where I reject. Most recently, this woman who I was very friendly with for months now at my apartment, first name basis and all, finally asked for the number, she enthusiastically gave it and said we should hangout. I texted her today. Ghosted. Saw her walking her dog this evening like I usually do, she gave an awkward "I just ghosted you" smile. She was on her phone too. Another woman we met and hit it off. Then had a date at a coffee shop, spend 3+ hours there. Found out we had a ton in common. Date went amazingly. I walk her to her car after, she says she would love to keep hanging out and see each other again. Hug goodbye. I text her today. Ghosted. Another one, met her, hit it off, she ends up inviting me in after a ride home. Nothing happened but we had about 2 hours of great conversation and cuddled on her couch during. She actually asks for my number shockingly and says we should do this again sometime and hangout. I text her today. Ghosted. 3 in a row in one day. And that was all my options currently. I told my lady friends "all three will ghost" after I texted and they all told me not to think that way and I'm too cynical and they'll reply. But of course they didnt. They never do. My cynicism is always confirmed. The only thing people dont let me down on is in my expectation of disappointment from them. This has been typical of my dating experience and colored the last 10 months I'd say. I'm so used to it now I always expect to get ghosted, rejected, or friendzoned. Always. Not necessarily in that order but ya know. There's always something, and its always bad news or a let down.

I almost just ended it all a month or two ago. I was house sitting for my parents while they were in Europe, and I know the code to my dads gun safe. Went and unlocked it, held the loaded gun in my hand and really wanted to but didn't want them to come back from their vacation that they've been trying to go on since I was 10 years old to a dead son. Or ruin their vacation if the news made it to them over there. Nobody knows how close I came either. I really hate it all. I know, "why do we fall? To pick ourselves back up" But what kind of existence is constantly falling down and picking yourself back up to get knocked down again every time? Inevitably. It's miserable. I've witnessed myself go from an optimistic nihilist to just a pessimistic nihilist. I'm an atheist so I dont have any faith to turn to. There's nobody I feel like I can really talk to. Or that I feel even cares. Cant afford therapy right now. I don't derive any enjoyment anymore from my favorite foods, games, movies, places. I'm becoming completely numb. And It's so hard starting from scratch everytime and having to come back and be my best self time and time and time and time again. Nobody would ever know if they just knew me in person, I always, 99% of the time, never drop my goofy, funny, class clown exterior. I'm still the guy that makes everyone laugh and smile. The comedian. But it becomes harder every month. Through it all, through being let down by people, through all the disappointments, through financial turmoil, emotional distress, I always treat people with the upmost kindness and respect, try to be a good person, get a regular haircut, trim the beard, take care to personal hygiene, clean my room, care for my dog, and I've never skipped a week at the gym. But I'm just goin like a machine week after week I'm not sure how this can keep up for much longer. I don't even want to be alive for much longer honestly. If I could push a button and just be gone painlessly I'd do it in a nanosecond.

Im very very glad you didn't go through with it.

I can't say I've ever wanted to not be alive. But I can say I've had tough eras of my life. I'm in one now. Not as rough, but I've had my moments. And im the same age as you.

We got way more time to make something of the world we are in, and find a niche to fit in. 26 years is nothing. There is much to see and do and feel and think and learn. And some of it will suck but some of it will be beyond what we can imagine. Some of it might just make you love life.

I csnt solve this problem for you, but I can say what I did when I was in the worst times of my life. Keep moving forward and don't dwell on the bad make it through step by step and make room for smaller joys. Set a goal for yourself, a personal aspiration. Could be a hobby, a career path, a weight goal, could be reading some books you've always wanted to read. Then, do that stuff. Carve an existence for yourself. Maybe get a part timer to ease the uber stuff off of you a bit? Simplify and don't focus on material stuff; focus on fulfillment and feeling good.

And a very important one is do good unto others. Even if you get nothing back for it, no thanks. Offer yourself up when you can... it brings a unique sense of feeling of presence that cannot be replicated by any other self serving venture. Make a promise to yourself that you are going to live through this, and do it just to spite death if you have to.

Thats all I got man, keep your head up and stay away from those guns. Please.

Edit: this is just practical stuff that helped me. Definitely get professional help if you can.

 

[GigaBowser]

roll out of bed hard time breething and standing 310 pounds overcoming ardiction and I SAY NO I WILL SURVIVE