I want to go on an adventure. I want to put myself to the test. I've had it with my daily life. And i've had it with what i keep doing to myself. I need to get out of a rut. So i've been thinking about just dropping off the world for a few days, maybe even a week. I need to i've been feeling too much like a time bomb ticking closer to its experation date. As the minutes go by i'm getting more volitile being stuck in my room. I've not slept at all in a good manner for weeks. And emotional struggle make be believe, that i'm no longer ok with my life.
No thanks to the meds i'm on SSRI's. I feel out of touch with the world. Like its just a game, a big game with lots of pain. So i want to stop that feeling and get out and live life. I need other things to invest my time in. I need to work on it. Make some solid foundations that arent lies or ideas in my head. I need a structured invironment for which to get the train back and rolling smoothly.
I wrote in my journal something like this:
"The pain i manafest in my body comes from my lost foundation of hope, love, and reality. I have for far too long be out of sorts with reality and the world. I've been in pain emotionaly and physically for more than a year now.
I have been lost. I dwell on memories, feelings, and a life i once had. One where i was happy at the expense of others. I made lives miserable for people to even live. And to this day that prison still exists in my head. If i could sum up my feelings of nuturing and hurt going on in my mind.
I feel like i made these foundations. that i put everything i had into them. I got exactly what i wanted. And in order to keep it that way i would be willing to hurt anyone, inteniontaly or not. Not physically hurt people. But just to keep myself happy i was willing to deny and just look the other direction. As i lived my life trying to keep the happiness i wanted so dearly in my life to stay with me.
I look back at those foundations and its the only thing i have to build my life on. I demolished everything in the path of my happiness and now i am realizing what i've done. Who i've hurt, i cant change what i did. But yet i still look back on that foundation and rely on it daily to help me through the day. But its not there and by the end of the day. I'm back to having nothing in my life.
I lost something cause of my greed. Love, you know you wouldnt think that love is such a thing that one can miss. But i had a house of love. Its what i rely upon each day. I paved over everything in my life so that this love could flourish. And all i could do when things went down the hill. Was make things worse.
Now i feel each day that i built that house too close to the ocean. Slowly the waves have been getting closer and closer to my house. Its an empy house now. Just a shell of what was once there. I wake up every morning to the same feeling of a empty house. And lately those waves have started to eat at the house. Slowly destroying it. Wave by Wave small piece's of the house get taken away off into the ocean. Being swallowed by the deep blue ocean.
As i watch i feel like i too should just go with it. But i know i cant in all reality. If i did i wouldnt be able to make a even better house. And fill that house with the love i once had and held so dearly. So as one house is destroyed a new one can be built.
I have a long path ahead of me. One only myself can walk. Me and Me alone, must take responsibility for the world i have created. One where i must understand how to live again. Maybe one day i'll come back and start building that house. But it needs to go. It was a empy shell of lies, decete, and lost dreams and hopes. I can not put my faith in such things.
I need to realize i need to move on in my life and for once make the home of my dreams a reality. But only when i am ready once more. I know i will be lonely and sad. But i need to move on. Pave over the old and wait for the new. Experinacing life as God would want me too.
Maybe one day i can make that house and things could work out. I have faith that my journey in life will bring me back to you. That so i can create what i couldnt have before. And make life breathe once more in this house.
We will see each other again. One day i hope to make it right. But for now... I think i need to get my life together. I need it and so do you. If we both dont strive to work to some goal in life. Where will we be? I know one thing... we wont be happy. We both need this.... I need this.
This house will be remember but not forgotten. It will stand as a testiment to what we once had. Something that maybe in the future we could rebuild and start a new.
For now i must erase the thought of wanting, and needing that love from my heart. As it is killing me. One day that need will be there again. And i can only hope you can fill it. Untill then...."
This is how i feel inside me. And this is how i have felt for more than a year. I have failed and all i see is failure. That is why i need to leave this place not for long but just get away from it. My family doesnt understand. They have spent thousands of dollars on Doctor's to help me out. All have failed in some way or form. Suggesting i be put in a hospital, that would only make it worse in my eyes.
So i ask how do you just drop off the planet? I've got no money and i've got nothing to loose right now. I need to live life for what its worth. Nothing where i live is worth living. And that island far far away is just a little too far for me to reach.
I want to visit another country or another culture. Anything that will take me out of the ordinary. I'm willing to risk everything right now... So much to actually say i wanted to go into the army. I went into the recruiting office and asked how i could help. But they say i'm mentaly instable.
I suffer from Post_Tramatic_Stress_Syndrome along with Bi_polar like behavior life is not fun to live. But it is my life to live and only i can change it.
What would you do?
No thanks to the meds i'm on SSRI's. I feel out of touch with the world. Like its just a game, a big game with lots of pain. So i want to stop that feeling and get out and live life. I need other things to invest my time in. I need to work on it. Make some solid foundations that arent lies or ideas in my head. I need a structured invironment for which to get the train back and rolling smoothly.
I wrote in my journal something like this:
"The pain i manafest in my body comes from my lost foundation of hope, love, and reality. I have for far too long be out of sorts with reality and the world. I've been in pain emotionaly and physically for more than a year now.
I have been lost. I dwell on memories, feelings, and a life i once had. One where i was happy at the expense of others. I made lives miserable for people to even live. And to this day that prison still exists in my head. If i could sum up my feelings of nuturing and hurt going on in my mind.
I feel like i made these foundations. that i put everything i had into them. I got exactly what i wanted. And in order to keep it that way i would be willing to hurt anyone, inteniontaly or not. Not physically hurt people. But just to keep myself happy i was willing to deny and just look the other direction. As i lived my life trying to keep the happiness i wanted so dearly in my life to stay with me.
I look back at those foundations and its the only thing i have to build my life on. I demolished everything in the path of my happiness and now i am realizing what i've done. Who i've hurt, i cant change what i did. But yet i still look back on that foundation and rely on it daily to help me through the day. But its not there and by the end of the day. I'm back to having nothing in my life.
I lost something cause of my greed. Love, you know you wouldnt think that love is such a thing that one can miss. But i had a house of love. Its what i rely upon each day. I paved over everything in my life so that this love could flourish. And all i could do when things went down the hill. Was make things worse.
Now i feel each day that i built that house too close to the ocean. Slowly the waves have been getting closer and closer to my house. Its an empy house now. Just a shell of what was once there. I wake up every morning to the same feeling of a empty house. And lately those waves have started to eat at the house. Slowly destroying it. Wave by Wave small piece's of the house get taken away off into the ocean. Being swallowed by the deep blue ocean.
As i watch i feel like i too should just go with it. But i know i cant in all reality. If i did i wouldnt be able to make a even better house. And fill that house with the love i once had and held so dearly. So as one house is destroyed a new one can be built.
I have a long path ahead of me. One only myself can walk. Me and Me alone, must take responsibility for the world i have created. One where i must understand how to live again. Maybe one day i'll come back and start building that house. But it needs to go. It was a empy shell of lies, decete, and lost dreams and hopes. I can not put my faith in such things.
I need to realize i need to move on in my life and for once make the home of my dreams a reality. But only when i am ready once more. I know i will be lonely and sad. But i need to move on. Pave over the old and wait for the new. Experinacing life as God would want me too.
Maybe one day i can make that house and things could work out. I have faith that my journey in life will bring me back to you. That so i can create what i couldnt have before. And make life breathe once more in this house.
We will see each other again. One day i hope to make it right. But for now... I think i need to get my life together. I need it and so do you. If we both dont strive to work to some goal in life. Where will we be? I know one thing... we wont be happy. We both need this.... I need this.
This house will be remember but not forgotten. It will stand as a testiment to what we once had. Something that maybe in the future we could rebuild and start a new.
For now i must erase the thought of wanting, and needing that love from my heart. As it is killing me. One day that need will be there again. And i can only hope you can fill it. Untill then...."
This is how i feel inside me. And this is how i have felt for more than a year. I have failed and all i see is failure. That is why i need to leave this place not for long but just get away from it. My family doesnt understand. They have spent thousands of dollars on Doctor's to help me out. All have failed in some way or form. Suggesting i be put in a hospital, that would only make it worse in my eyes.
So i ask how do you just drop off the planet? I've got no money and i've got nothing to loose right now. I need to live life for what its worth. Nothing where i live is worth living. And that island far far away is just a little too far for me to reach.
I want to visit another country or another culture. Anything that will take me out of the ordinary. I'm willing to risk everything right now... So much to actually say i wanted to go into the army. I went into the recruiting office and asked how i could help. But they say i'm mentaly instable.
I suffer from Post_Tramatic_Stress_Syndrome along with Bi_polar like behavior life is not fun to live. But it is my life to live and only i can change it.
What would you do?
