Support NeoGAF

[GhaleonEB]

So...my mother died today. She was hit by a very rare terminal disease of the lung and heart, put up the good fight for a year and a half, and lost. She was 65, which is way too young this day and age.

I have a 2 1/2 year-old toddler who still wants to visit Grandma Diane and play with her. I'm struggling with how to express to her that grandma...went away. That's all I could tell her today, and she kept asking where she went. Concepts like heaven are too abstract for a toddler to grasp.

I know this isn't the best board to post this on, but it's the only non-gaming one I visit. If anyone knows of any good resources to help little kids get through stuff like this, or has gone through a similar experience, I'd appreciate it. (My wife was the exact same age when her grandfather died, and she remembers it pretty clearly; I don't want my kid's first experience with death and loss to be a scarring one.)

 

[Mr. Spinnington]

Well, the only thing you can really do is, carefully (obviously) explain it to her straight up. If not heaven and all religious asopects, at least what death is. If she asks about where she went then she'll probably question you to heaven/hell and all in between. Explaining how they're asleep for a long time seems to be the best way to describe it. I have a nephew who just turned 3 and his dog got hit by a car on April 1st (yeah I know), but my sister explained it right to him that the dog was dead and my nephew couldn't see him again, he handled it alright but I'm not sure if he really understood. He was really okay with it, though. What's important is that these two things are understood to the child:

-Everyone dies, good and bad people
-When someone dies, it's not anyone's fault and it's okay, but they are gone from our lives

Of course I'm just some guy on a forum and REALLY think about how you're going to tell her before you do. If any of this helped then I've done my part, but don't think I'm an expert on this. I'm not.

 

[CB3]

Well, the only thing you can really do is, carefully (obviously) explain it to her straight up. If not heaven and all religious asopects, at least what death is. If she asks about where she went then she'll probably question you to heaven/hell and all in between. Explaining how they're asleep for a long time seems to be the best way to describe it. I have a nephew who just turned 3 and his dog got hit by a car on April 1st (yeah I know), but my sister explained it right to him that the dog was dead and my nephew couldn't see him again, he handled it alright but I'm not sure if he really understood. He was really okay with it, though. What's important is that these two things are understood to the child:

-Everyone dies, good and bad people
-When someone dies, it's not anyone's fault and it's okay, but they are gone from our lives

Of course I'm just some guy on a forum and REALLY think about how you're going to tell her before you do. If any of this helped then I've done my part, but don't think I'm an expert on this. I'm not.

Yup, this is the way that it has to be explained. Just give it to her straight up, and dont try to sugar-coat it too much. Kids need to learn about these things at a young age so its not something shocking to them when they grow up. Its sad that she has to learn about it under these conditions but being straight with her is the best option

 

[Azih]

Yeah honesty is the best policy I would imagine. Kids are pretty resiliant.

 

[PS2 KID]

Put a short rope or cord in her hand. Say, "Let's call the rope life." Then you pull on it slowly. When you reach the end when the rope/cord slips out of her hand. Tell her that is what death is. Like the end of the rope or cord. Life has ended. You can explain to her why grandma isn't there anymore by telling her to look at her hand. Nothing there. Life has left. Grandma has left. "Grandma Diane reached the end of her life but while she was here she was very happy to be your Grandma."

After that, if you're relgious, you can say good things about her being in heaven and someday she will get to see Grandma Diane.

Not sure this actually works since I just made it up. Never had to explain to anyone about death personally.

 

[mrkgoo]

.

 

[Zaptruder]

Sorry to hear about your mom...

but just tell it to the kid straight; the idea of death is no less traumatic to grownups than it is to a kid... no point in pussy footing about dragging out the learning process of what death is.

 

[OpinionatedCyborg]

When I was around 3 years old, I was at my Grandma's house, and began asking her and my grandfather questions about death. They explained the whole shebang in as simple terms as possible, and I got it..so much so that I turned to her and said, "I would miss you, but when you're dead you're dead." "When you're dead, you're dead," comes up often in reminiscent conversation now, though I don't recall saying it :/

Kids are a lot smarter than we often give them credit for.

 

[Ned Flanders]

How do you teach a toddler about death?

In all seriousness though, most people have done well so far to suggest that you be honest about it. I think one of the worst things you can inherit from previous generations is a sense of taboo or dread about death. I think sometimes we can also get selfish about wanting people back after their passing. Its natural to mourn someones loss, but I think its important to reinforce the notion that when people die is not really our choice, and that its something that will have to be dealt with inevitably. I don't think in the case of the toddler you should lay this kind of stuff on too thick, but if you don't lay a foundation before other influences arrive (schoolmates, TV etc), it may be too late to ease their fears afterwards.

As with all things, I think death should be approached with a healthy dose of respect and honesty, and that weeding out some of the more irrational stuff can only serve the greater good.

Best of luck to you and your family. My condolences.