How to deal with parenting two very different children.

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ChiTownBuffalo said:
Nope. Sisters gotta lay the smackdown too.

My older cousins slapped me around when I was 13 for doing messed up shit.
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In a lot of ways a slap can be more demeaning than a punch, especially coming from me.

I think I'll try having a talk to him. He might listen to me more than my parents. Then again I might be the boring uncool older sister :p
 
shanshan310 said:
In a lot of ways a slap can be more demeaning than a punch, especially coming from me.

I think I'll try having a talk to him. He might listen to me more than my parents. Then again I might be the boring uncool older sister :p
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It is.

But on the other hand, why my older female cousins had to smack me. I understood that something meaningful just went down.

Being an older Asian sister is a interesting place to be in.
 
shanshan310 said:
My dad is... part of the problem. He's afraid of my brother hating him, and is afraid to punish him so as to stay on his good side.
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Based on my watching of Nanny 911 and similar shows, I'd say this is the problem. The dad never steps in and lets mom do the parenting.
 
That was the dynamic between my brother and I when I lived at home (except he's 3 years older than me and my oldest brother or my parents were never around to see what a violent prick he was). Fortunately, it started late and he grew out of it but your brother may not. You shouldn't bear the responsibility of being a parent especially when you have two capable parents.

Can you talk to an Uncle or a guidance counselor? You may end up just having to protect yourself. Your parents will be okay without you - and you leaving may just be the kick in the ass to get your brother sorted out.
 
shanshan310 said:
I'm getting worried about my mother - he bullies her a lot, and I'm seriously afraid he's going to hurt her.
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If I had a brother like that I would kick his ass. Being the older brother you should be one of the people keeping him inline.
 
Is it possible that he's taking out the frustration of being bullied out on the family? He could have a lot of pent up anger issues. Can he easily be put into a different school? It's a big change, but it'll let him restart by making new friends and cutting out the bullies, although that would suck for him if he has any decent friends who he would end up loosing. \

Scratch that big brother thing, figure out a way to get him to look up to his big sister. Figure out a way to help him out with some of his problems.
 
woolley said:
If I had a brother like that I would kick his ass. Being the older brother you should be one of the people keeping him inline.
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I'm of a mind to cuff you round the ear for not reading the damn thread.
 
Everyone need limits, your father's role should be imposing them.

IMO you should throw the reality in his face, not brute force, plain and simple facts of how stupid he's for doing these stuff where probably the only one damaged is himself.
 
tell your parents your moving out. When asked why explain that your dad is a horrible father and the house unsafe. Then move the fuck out if he doesn't step up
 
eastmen said:
tell your parents your moving out. When asked why explain that your dad is a horrible father and the house unsafe. Then move the fuck out if he doesn't step up
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pretty much what i was gonna suggest
 
parents gotta set the rules early in a baby's life.

a parent trying to be "cool" with their child may backfire when the child becomes "KING"

that is what your brother is, a child king
 
kottila said:
Based on my watching of Nanny 911 and similar shows, I'd say this is the problem. The dad never steps in and lets mom do the parenting.
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3 year old children and teenagers are different. It isn't necessarily the need for an alpha father. Although that helps in other ways.
 
I would suggest seeing if he can be put into an apprenticeship trade program. Get him working under an electrician or a plumber or even something in construction. He sounds like the type that will enjoy the manual work, he will enjoy earning a bit of money, and when he comes home at the end of the day he will be tired and contented.

The modern school system is not for every kid.
 
I would say at this point either let it play itself out, or try to go the counseling route again. I mean, I would think at 13, he pretty much has no in the matter if your parents drag him there.

fanboi said:
I, firmly, belive that "touching" isnt the correct way.
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Who said anything about "touching" his little brother? Fucking creep.
 
Have your parents get the cops to pick him up and have him spend a night in a jail cell. It'll show him where he will end up if continues to act the way he is and miss school (Thats if its illegal to not to go to school where you live..).

Or see if he can get on some medication to help calm him down.
 
Ashes1396 said:
3 year old children and teenagers are different. It isn't necessarily the need for an alpha father. Although that helps in other ways.
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I'd say the nanny 911 principles apply to all ages. if you don't lay down rules and punish for breaking them, then the respect for the rules erodes and no one will follow them anymore.
 
The OP is a perfect example of why to always practice safe sex. I can't possibly imagaine my own child treating me like that as it sounds like the OP comes from a good family. Its just my opinion but I think anyone who raises a child in the world we live in today is out of their dam mind.
 
He obviously is either very hormonal or developing some mental issues (not 'CRAZY').

Have him get scared by the cops, spend a night in detention or something else, show him how bad life is for the dropouts who were cool, something snapped in his head, snap it back.

Does he take vitamins, get him those DHA Gummies and feed him Salmon, and oatmeal in the morning, green tea etc...might be something nutrition can help to a point.

God..Im terrified of my little girl (2) and my son (3 months) turning into monsters.
 
Your family sounds dysfunctional. Tell your parents to get some counselors up in there before your brother starts flipping tables.
 
My opinion surely won't be the popular one but your Dad needs to wash the sand out of his vagina and step up to take care of business. You could help too by showing him how he is fucking up. He is a physical type so dealing with him physically might get through. The emotional crap of talking to him or trying to reason with him isn't working. He has no reason to fear you or your parents. "Sell" his xbox and take away anything meaningful to him. Take away personal values like privacy by keeping his room wide open. Make him realize all that can be wrong in his life if everything he takes for granted were stripped away.

Also, your parents didn't discipline enough. I'm a father of two and deal out swift punishments. My children are very well behaved and are always complimented on their manners.
 
Davedough said:
Also, your parents didn't discipline enough. I'm a father of two and deal out swift punishments. My children are very well behaved and are always complimented on their manners.
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Full disclosure: I never want to have kids and I generally don't enjoy children.

Ok, I think I'm ACTUALLY gonna be the opinion that gets ripped here, but it seems like your parents need to instill some more discipline, but the above really shouldn't be the goal in my opinion. I can't stand families that I meet with perfectly behaved children. Always creeps me the fuck out. Kids are supposed to be fun and crazy to a certain extent. Having kids that are so prim and proper who always say please and thank you and call everyone Mr. or Mrs. So and So is incredibly boring. My gut says to go with two things 1.) talk to the kid about how he's fucking insane and 2.) Dish out some major punishments and just watch him kick and scream through them. After that try and engage him in other ways. But Gaf's general parenting advice always seems to be "Get that kid in line!" and that just creeps me out. All the kids who were best behaved when I was younger have grown up to be incredibly boring people. A little bit of chaos is a good thing sometimes.
 
Sometimes it's easy to forget parents are human beings like everybody else. When two people are raising a child they do not suddenly gain access to a perfect database with answers how to cope with all that might come their way. They have to learn through experience and they're prone to many mistakes like anyone else is when doing something new.

Your parents could have had it relatively easy with you growing up and are now finding it difficult to adjust to your brother's more problematic adolescence. I think you stand a better chance talking with them about the problem - and sharing with them your feelings about the whole thing, and how it's affecting you and the way you see your family - rather than stealing the role of parent from them and dealing with your brother yourself.

Some people are, in my opinion, unable to adjust to parenthood. My parents did a good job at sustaining my brother and me financially; they fed us, bought us clothes and paid for our education. In my case, until I was sixteen and in my brother's they're paying for his Masters this very year. They did a horrible job with the raising part, however. They didn't bother to educate us or give us any sort of advice.

In my case specifically they resorted to violence even when I did the smallest of wrongdoings, as if they couldn't come up with a better reaction. I remember being beat up, burned with a cooker's flame, having my hands slammed in drawers and having my face slapped when I asked why my mother was smoking (I was seven and surprised her smoking in the backyard for the first time. She denied everything, slapped me hard and said I should never bring it up again - to this day she thinks I don't know she smokes). I never brought any kind of trouble so I never understood why they did those things. Anyway, to my surprise I turned out rather well.

My brother was (and still is) very problematic. He lacks any kind of common sense and decision-making skills. I think it's mostly the result of my parents' excessive pampering when he was still growing up.

Just wanted to share my fair share of troubles growing up, and to say that sometimes things turn out pretty well even when you don't see any light at the end of the tunnel.
 
Leave. The first chance you get. Go back and visit, but if the parents don't want to nut up and do what is needed to put him in check, then it's not your responsibility either.

Some people don't listen to reason. Some people don't fare well on "timeout". Some people ONLY respect a man that has no problem beating the ever living shit out of him.

There were times when I was in my teens that the ONLY thing keeping me from acting a fool was the fact that at 9pm my pops was going to walk in the door and there would be a reckoning. I'm no little dude, but my dad is 6'10 and didn't take no shit.

Where there's no alpha in the house, the pups run wild....
 
My fiance's younger brother is like this. He's 17 now, but he's been a brat for as long as I've known him. His parents cut him way too much slack, and don't know the proper balance between yelling at him and leaving him alone. They yell at him for little shit that doesn't matter, which just desensitizes him to it. Then he goes and does something genuinely stupid, and they let it slide because they know it won't make a difference. At the end of the day, it's the parents' fault and their responsibility. They created a monster and now they have to live with it. They could have forced him into a disciplinary school at any point, but chose not to. So there you go.

Short answer: it's probably too late.
 
brucewaynegretzky said:
Full disclosure: I never want to have kids and I generally don't enjoy children.

Ok, I think I'm ACTUALLY gonna be the opinion that gets ripped here, but it seems like your parents need to instill some more discipline, but the above really shouldn't be the goal in my opinion. I can't stand families that I meet with perfectly behaved children. Always creeps me the fuck out. Kids are supposed to be fun and crazy to a certain extent. Having kids that are so prim and proper who always say please and thank you and call everyone Mr. or Mrs. So and So is incredibly boring. My gut says to go with two things 1.) talk to the kid about how he's fucking insane and 2.) Dish out some major punishments and just watch him kick and scream through them. After that try and engage him in other ways. But Gaf's general parenting advice always seems to be "Get that kid in line!" and that just creeps me out. All the kids who were best behaved when I was younger have grown up to be incredibly boring people. A little bit of chaos is a good thing sometimes.
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If your idea of "boring" is they have a stable job with stable income and are happy with their own kids in their own homes then I pray I have some seriously boring kids...

If being respectful is boring, what's exciting? Pissing on the rug and telling the Mrs to eat a dick?
 
I'd melt his fucking xbox and throw the molten plastics in his face, permanently disfiguring him.

Tough love or some shit.
 
Wizman23 said:
Its just my opinion but I think anyone who raises a child in the world we live in today is out of their dam mind.
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...what? o.O

"The world we live in today" is better than it's ever been, at least in terms of human history.

Anyway, on topic, my son and daughter are such complete opposites, I'm pretty sure one of them is going to give me a headache in about a decade. It's interesting that two kids from the same parents raised in the same environment can be so different.
 
There are resources out there to help you guys. This is defined by professionals as Oppositional Behavior, and there are a million reasons people can exhibit it.

Personally, when I turned 13, my brain chemistry was destroyed by puberty. I didn't punch holes in the walls, but I was violent with my siblings, completely absorbed in my computer, and thinking about suicide every day.

Your brother could be sick, he could be getting bullied, he could be gay and unable to deal, he could be doing drugs, he could be just lashing out because he has never had to deal with boundaries.

Rather than find him a personal therapist, your parents could go to a family therapist that can help them develop a plan to re-establish peace in your home (and protect your poor mother, because this guy is old enough to do some damage). This is a very common family problem that people pretend is unusual because it carries so much stigma. A family therapist with experience in oppositional teenagers can help your parents (and you, if you want to participate) uncover the facts of your brother's life--what happens at school, what happens online, etc. Unfortunately a lot of people are less willing to be honest with parents than with a person who has letters after their name. It can be good to have a professional ally on your side.

Then they can help you develop what will basically be a teenage version of a sticker chart. So many hours of Xbox for A, B, C, such and such negative consequences for X, Y, Z. The Xbox vanishing sent your brother into a behavioral panic and he demonstrated what's called an "extinction burst"--when reinforcement appears to no longer be available, perform all behaviors that previously attained reinforcement with an intensity that shocks the world.

A family therapist can also help your parents come to terms emotionally with the changes they need to make in their own behavior. 13 year olds are creative but have limited capacity for deductive reasoning and almost no control over their environments--when your parents can introduce and STICK TO a more constructive pathway for him he will EVENTUALLY take it. But it takes a lot of guts and the support of someone who does this professionally and has seen it work can make it possible for the parents to commit to and stick with the plan.

The therapist can also help your parents identify which battles are worth picking and which aren't--if your brother doesn't give a shit if his room is dirty, maybe ignore that problem until AFTER the property destruction problem is over. Behavioral triage, basically.

If you can find a family therapist with some Applied Behavioral Analysis knowledge and experience with teenagers, you will basically have an empirical scientist helping your family. And if your brother decides he wants to participate then it will go so much the better.

Edit: And there's plenty of light at the end of the tunnel! I am much better than I was back in those days. My friend's brother was breaking into his parents' home at 17 and stealing everyone's shit to sell for drug money. Lucky for him he wasn't 18 because then he would have been fucked. But now he is a guy with a job and a home and a beagle, and a girlfriend. He is still kind of a douche but he doesn't break shit or threaten people or destroy relationships anymore. So don't give up, all is never lost at 13. 13 is like the kindergarten of adulthood.
 
Tell your parents to kick him out. Honestly being kicked out totally changes your attitude. A few days, weeks or whatever would change him. It worked for my parents.
 
Mammoth Jones said:
If being respectful is boring, what's exciting? Pissing on the rug and telling the Mrs to eat a dick?
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I mean yes and no. Kids should be dicks sometimes. They're fucking kids. Obviously there's a line between out of control and curious, but I think a lot of people draw that line way to close "Leave it to Beaver."

And yes a "stable" (I read as repititive) job and 2.5 kids IS boring to a degree. Obviously some people are going to want that, but I feel like its become an indoctrination rather than a choice. I ask my parents how the hell they lived with their lives like they were all the time. They both likely missed out on career opportunities due to my sister and me. Some people are ok with that sacrifice, but I don't think its right to tell kids they should be expected to make those sacrifices.
 
bjb said:
I would say at this point either let it play itself out, or try to go the counseling route again. I mean, I would think at 13, he pretty much has no in the matter if your parents drag him there.



Who said anything about "touching" his little brother? Fucking creep.
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Read?

OP in later comments said:
I'm 19, but I'm not really a grown man :p My dad refuses to touch him though. He is so ridiculously unhelpful.
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ChiTownBuffalo said:
Nope. Sisters gotta lay the smackdown too.

My older cousins slapped me around when I was 13 for doing messed up shit.
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Yeah, I wouldn't say beat the shit out of him, but talk to him with a semi-prepared speech about how he has to get his shit together and strike the older sister fear into him.
 
I've known some pretty bad kids growing up, and if there's one thing I've noticed from personal experience it's that the sooner you address it the better. Yeah, he's young and may grow out of it, but on the off chance that he doesn't I can only imagine it getting worse with you and your folks having a much harder time mending the issue as time goes on. Here's some examples of kids I knew growing up, and where they are now:

Friend 1 (at age 13): Constantly skipped class and would throw violent temper tantrums not unlike your brother. His parents couldn't seem to figure out a way to handle him. Now 21, he is serving four years in prison for serial arson.

Friend 2 (at age 15): Underage drinker and pathological liar who would constantly steal money from her parents and hook up with men of legal drinking age to supply her with alcohol and "party," among other things. Mother was easily intimidated by her, and her father continued to treat her like his little princess, perhaps due to denial. Now 26, she's a meth addict who's been in and out of jail more times than I can count, still living at home.

Friend 3 (at age 14): Spoiled brat who couldn't even imagine a world which doesn't revolve around him. A spiteful SOB who stole from friends (myself included) and family, joined a small gang that was responsible for jumping and robbing several kids around town, and only went to school to fuck with teachers and be a complete dick. His parents gave up on trying to straighten him out, and continued to pamper him for as long as I can remember. He'd now be 24, but he was shot and killed in an alley not far from where we grew up over petty theft.

It's sad, but I can actually think of at least three more personal examples, but I think you get the point.

I don't believe beating the kid is the best option. Instead I'd suggest taking his door off the hinges and limiting him all the luxuries that I'm sure he takes for granted. Cut his food in half and eliminate snacks altogether; rig it so that when he showers there is no hot water; does he have a TV in his room with cable? Not anymore; Internet access? LOL, no.

In fact, next time he's out of the house just go in his room and start packing his shit up in boxes and put it in the basement. When he comes home all he'll have in his room is his bed, clothes and basic essentials. If he wants to act like an unruly inmate, then he can fucking live like one. I mean it too, give him an actual "prison sentence." Let's say one month under these conditions, no exceptions. He can beg and cry, but don't give in. Fuck that noise.

If after a month of that nothing changes or he gets worse, then yeah I'd be looking for a professional, because today you can't just beat up on kids without expecting to catch a case.
 
Blackace said:
Emo Dy is kinda sad... he used to be so beautiful... someone I could entrust the NBA thread to...
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First and foremost, kill yo self slow.

But its my job to be angry now, I tear into people all day long. But on subject - kid needs a job and parents who aren't afraid to be parents.
 
NaughtyCalibur said:
I don't believe beating the kid is the best option. Instead I'd suggest taking his door off the hinges and limiting him all the luxuries that I'm sure he takes for granted. Cut his food in half and eliminate snacks altogether; rig it so that when he showers there is no hot water; does he have a TV in his room with cable? Not anymore; Internet access? LOL, no.

In fact, next time he's out of the house just go in his room and start packing his shit up in boxes and put it in the basement. When he comes home all he'll have in his room is his bed, clothes and basic essentials. If he wants to act like an unruly inmate, then he can fucking live like one. I mean it too, give him an actual "prison sentence." Let's say one month under these conditions, no exceptions. He can beg and cry, but don't give in. Fuck that noise.

If after a month of that nothing changes or he gets worse, then yeah I'd be looking for a professional, because today you can't just beat up on kids without expecting to catch a case.
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Holy crap, this actually sounds like a pretty decent idea. It'd definitely get the point across. Though I'd throw in a serious talk before this happens.
 
Scared straight. My friend's parents are kind of like this too about their son, he can do no wrong, it's disgusting. He's going to have to end up in jail or prison before he really "gets it." You need to step in before he becomes like that.
 
Blackace said:
I remember being a mess.. I got ass whuppings.. But when my father got tired of it.. he changed the locks. Said he would keep the door unlocked until I messed up some more.. the uncertainty of being able to get into the house helped me get my life together a bit...
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Lockiing him out the house seems to be a good option. He's 13, not like he can go somewhere plus it'll give him some good time to think

Take charge shanshan! I'm sure you can convince your parents

edit, I got locked out the house a few times when I was around 9-10. One of the most horrible experiences I know of this one time, even tho it was only a few hours each time. I couldn't even go and play with my friends, felt too messed up
 
NaughtyCalibur said:
I've known some pretty bad kids growing up, and if there's one thing I've noticed from personal experience it's that the sooner you address it the better. Yeah, he's young and may grow out of it, but on the off chance that he doesn't I can only imagine it getting worse with you and your folks having a much harder time mending the issue as time goes on. Here's some examples of kids I knew growing up, and where they are now:

Friend 1 (at age 13): Constantly skipped class and would throw violent temper tantrums not unlike your brother. His parents couldn't seem to figure out a way to handle him. Now 21, he is serving four years in prison for serial arson.

Friend 2 (at age 15): Underage drinker and pathological liar who would constantly steal money from her parents and hook up with men of legal drinking age to supply her with alcohol and "party," among other things. Mother was easily intimidated by her, and her father continued to treat her like his little princess, perhaps due to denial. Now 26, she's a meth addict who's been in and out of jail more times than I can count, still living at home.

Friend 3 (at age 14): Spoiled brat who couldn't even imagine a world which doesn't revolve around him. A spiteful SOB who stole from friends (myself included) and family, joined a small gang that was responsible for jumping and robbing several kids around town, and only went to school to fuck with teachers and be a complete dick. His parents gave up on trying to straighten him out, and continued to pamper him for as long as I can remember. He'd now be 24, but he was shot and killed in an alley not far from where we grew up over petty theft.

It's sad, but I can actually think of at least three more personal examples, but I think you get the point.

I don't believe beating the kid is the best option. Instead I'd suggest taking his door off the hinges and limiting him all the luxuries that I'm sure he takes for granted. Cut his food in half and eliminate snacks altogether; rig it so that when he showers there is no hot water; does he have a TV in his room with cable? Not anymore; Internet access? LOL, no.

In fact, next time he's out of the house just go in his room and start packing his shit up in boxes and put it in the basement. When he comes home all he'll have in his room is his bed, clothes and basic essentials. If he wants to act like an unruly inmate, then he can fucking live like one. I mean it too, give him an actual "prison sentence." Let's say one month under these conditions, no exceptions. He can beg and cry, but don't give in. Fuck that noise.

If after a month of that nothing changes or he gets worse, then yeah I'd be looking for a professional, because today you can't just beat up on kids without expecting to catch a case.
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OP should just show her dad this post.
 
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