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["God's Beard!"]

I remember I overdosed on caffiene once and I was shitting blood while thowing up on myself. I spent the next seven hours lying on the ground next to the toilet until I had enough control to drag myself back to bed. Of course, I couldn't sleep with over 3 grams of caffiene running through me.

 

[Hydrogen Bluebird]

I look forward to more potential problems in your future.

:lol :lol :lol

 

[oneHeero]

You either have a tiny penis or had an erection at the time.

I've had this happen to me several times, everytime its at fucken work.

I'm really cold at work most times, so I have shrinkage, I'm above average overall when erected.

I usually am playing my DS or not paying attention and start pissing without tucking, the piss comes straight the fuck out from right under the lid. I've had to take off my boxers and throw them away because they got so 2wet from the piss.

I've also had to sit there trying to dry my pants with TP or I've tucked in my undershirt into my boxers so I dont feel the piss. Horrible fucken experiences, has happened about 5x at least.

I've sharted a couple of times as well. Once we were at a restaurant and finished eating, I was on the way home with my wife and daughter, I took the long way home so we could have a nice drive. Well as we were driving I really started needing to take a shit, kept progressing and I was across town. I let out a fart here and there in hope to contain it. I tried to let aanothjer fart out and BAM

 

[oneHeero]

You either have a tiny penis or had an erection at the time.

I've had this happen to me several times, everytime its at fucken work.

I'm really cold at work most times, so I have shrinkage, I'm above average overall when erected.

I usually am playing my DS or not paying attention and start pissing without tucking, the piss comes straight the fuck out from right under the lid. I've had to take off my boxers and throw them away because they got so 2wet from the piss.

I've also had to sit there trying to dry my pants with TP or I've tucked in my undershirt into my boxers so I dont feel the piss. Horrible fucken experiences, has happened about 5x at least.

I've sharted a couple of times as well. Once we were at a restaurant and finished eating, I was on the way home with my wife and daughter, I took the long way home so we could have a nice drive. Well as we were driving I really started needing to take a shit, kept progressing and I was across town. I let out a fart here and there in hope to contain it. I tried to let aanothjer fart out and BAM it was fucken wet. I literally lifted myself off the seat and drove the rest of the way home in a seat full of shit.
My wife made me clean the seat as best as I could that night and I had to take the car the next day to have the interior shampooed.

 

[-PXG-]

I remember I overdosed on caffiene once and I was shitting blood while thowing up on myself. I spent the next seven hours lying on the ground next to the toilet until I had enough control to drag myself back to bed. Of course, I couldn't sleep with over 3 grams of caffiene running through me.[/QUOTE

Shit. O_O

 

[Tashi]

So last fall I was walking out of my friends place where I had just eaten a meal. Don't remember what it was. So I'm walking out on my Uni across a huge parking lot and halfway through, without warning, I got shit knocking on my ass door. I start to panic because it's like fuckin 2am and I don't know where I'm gonna be able to take a shit. I was living at a hotel where a bus takes me (long story) so there's was no way I could make it before the bus came and actually wait the long ass ride and I couldn't go back to my friends place because I would miss the bus for sure. Oh yea it was the last bus of the night too so I absolutely had to catch it. So I keep doing the "holding shit in walk" across the parking lot praying I don't shit myself. I'm close to the CS building and I know that it's open late for students to work at. I'm relieved now. I start to power shit walk to the building. I make it up the little stairs in front of the building...very scary. I go to the door, it's fuckin closed. The feeling I had was just utter panic and fear.

Then, a janitor, cleaning the building. I start banging on the door like mad. He obviously knows something is up. The man walks soooo slowly and opens both doors for me. I run passed him, blow through the door and get into the stall all while unbuckling my pants. The seat is of course filthy from the nasty ass CS students who go to this school.

Spoiler

Rochester Institute of Technology

I grab tp, wipe that fuckin seat and decided that there was no time to put paper on the toilet seat.

That shit came out soooo fuckin fast. Of course it was diarrhea. I'm pretty sure that almost all of it came out in the first split second. I couldn't even sit and relax, because I had to catch the bus. I shit as fast as possible, wipe my ass, and start booking. Thank god I caught that bus. I had to take a shower when I got back, felt dirty : (

 

[BakedPigeon]

I just listened to timedogs dramatic reading again, holy fuck its just as epic 2 months later.

 

[Chittagong]

I've had this happen to me several times, everytime its at fucken work.

I'm really cold at work most times, so I have shrinkage, I'm above average overall when erected.

I usually am playing my DS or not paying attention and start pissing without tucking, the piss comes straight the fuck out from right under the lid. I've had to take off my boxers and throw them away because they got so 2wet from the piss.

I've also had to sit there trying to dry my pants with TP or I've tucked in my undershirt into my boxers so I dont feel the piss. Horrible fucken experiences, has happened about 5x at least.

I've sharted a couple of times as well. Once we were at a restaurant and finished eating, I was on the way home with my wife and daughter, I took the long way home so we could have a nice drive. Well as we were driving I really started needing to take a shit, kept progressing and I was across town. I let out a fart here and there in hope to contain it. I tried to let aanothjer fart out and BAM it was fucken wet. I literally lifted myself off the seat and drove the rest of the way home in a seat full of shit.
My wife made me clean the seat as best as I could that night and I had to take the car the next day to have the interior shampooed.

what the fuck is your problem

 

[kozmo7]

:lol :lol oneHeero

Well, Scullibundo, it was during a lazy afternoon for me. I went to stretch and it happened as I leaned back. It was just a freak accident. That sucks that you've made so many messes though, oneHeero, jeez. :lol

 

[El Papa]

what the fuck is your problem

He pees and shat himself.

 

[StormyTheRabbit]

Sigh...Here it goes.

It was a surprisingly warm February Saturday. Nothing was wrong in the world at all. Beautiful skies, unexplainable warm weather, and best of all, I was going to go smoke some blunts with a friend.

I was at home, browsing the internets, laughing at stories at others expenses, the usual. Unknown of what was to happen to me in a matter of an hour or so. Anyways, I am there on my computer when I get a call from a friend.

"Hey man, just got some fine buds for us to smoke. Care to join?"

"Indeed good sir, I would love to get high on this sunny afternoon and not shit my pants or anything of the sort."

I depart from my fortress of solitude and begin heading to my car. This was the first warning. I have a very compact dodge stratus. I am 6'3" and have to curl myself more than a circus freak to fit inside that thing. As soon as I manage to slam myself into the seat behind the wheel, my anus gave me a roar of dissatisfaction.

"DON'T LEAVE YET PEON. RETURN TO YOUR THRONE AND RELEASE ME FROM THE HELLS IN WHICH I HAVE BEEN IMPRISONED."

That is what my anus decided to inform me of within one blast of highly noxious ass-fumes. But no I said. I was a warrior. I would preserver and smoke my weed without delay.

After decided to say fuck you to my colon, the drive to my friends establishment was uneventful. Crisis adverted I thought. Oh how terribly naive of myself.

I arrive at my friends with him waiting for me outside. He informs me that we will be enjoying our blunts out back in the woods, taking advantage of this soon-to-not-be glorious day. I whole-heartily agree and we embark on a path leading into the wooded forest behind his house.

Acid seeping from the tight pucker of an asshole I have. That is the feeling I immediately feel when we enter the woods. "No. Not today" I say. I WILL smoke my blunt without any delays. Finally, after what seemed to be days, my friend and I make camp deep into the woods where I am happily handed my own blunt which I start to ignite and inhale furiously.

Mission Accomplished. Now I had nothing holding me back.

Halfway through the blunt, nice and high...

"Get away. Leave. Shoo. Get out." I tell my friend.

He informs me that I just need to enjoy my high. In which case I contimplate using my secret acting skills and running away, saying I want to enjoy nature. But no. I tell him what is about to happen.

He stares at me with his huge and now red/veiny eyes. And promptly stands up, walking away without saying a word.

As soon as he is 15 feet away from me, I can only describe what happened to be on the level of the explosion of blowing up Megaton in Fallout 3.

My pants had gained what felt to be 15 pounds.

Now that my friend had given me my space, which I no longer needed for shitting, I began what was to be damage control. All while smoking my blunt. High. As. Fuck.

I take off my pants, worried a deer would see my shit encrusted penis and mistake it for a fudgesicle and attempt to eat it. Remember, high as a kite.

By the grace of god himself, it manage to all cling to my boxers as if it was made of paste. My boxers went from being plaid to brown, with no trace of the previous pattern in sight.

I used what I could of my boxers to wipe my ass and went commando until I promptly went come and showered my shame away, forgetting to tell my friend I left. He called me an hour later, wondering if I got lost. I simply told him that I have no idea how I got home, playing off my high still.

To this day, I have never told anyone my tale. Those boxers are still out there. I pass them sometimes when in those woods, reminding myself of the mistakes of the past, which I vow never to make again. I still fear the beast that was banished to my colon, who makes his presence known from time to time.

Never again will I underestimate him.

Now I need to go take a massive piss.

 

[Timedog]

I just took the sickest looking shit. Kind of like my "I haven't crapped in 3 days" thread except I it's more like "I've crapped tiny amounts every couple of days for the past 2 weeks". Meaning there's at least a week of backed up shit inside me.

I've been downing stool softener pills for the last couple days hoping to get it out because my back started to ache really bad and I felt super bloated. So i went outside to smoke and it hit me. I tried to but I couldn't even finish my cigarette, I just had to get to that goddamn bathroom as quick as possible.

So I start shitting and it feels like jello is sliding out of my ass at a very fast rate for about 15 seconds. Then there would be a pause for about 30 seconds followed by some more jello/smoothie type shit. There were about 3 pauses and 4 shitting sessions. Then I look down and the entire water part of the bowl is dark from floating shit, a pretty huge amount of shit. My back immediately feels a lot better.

Then the bad part happens. I fire out 2 small, heavy little torpedo-like chunks that come out like cannonballs propelled by a large amount of gas and me pushing as hard as I can. They hit the water/milkshake and cause a splash that wets my choad, the back of my balls, and whatever parts of my asscrack that weren't already covered in crap. I used toilet paper on the entire area and no matter where I wiped, the paper would come up with at least some shit. Even when I wiped my legs.

I wipe it everything as much as I can and take a shower. Now I'm back and posting on GAF. The worst part is that I think I only got about half of it out. My back doesn't ache as much but my hips still hurt and I still feel somewhat bloated.

The 2nd worst part is that the shit is still sitting in my toilet right now because I don't know if that much toilet paper will flush with it stopping up. I think I'm gonna let the paper get softer and degrade for a little before I try to flush. My bathroom smells like something died in there.

 

[BakedPigeon]

fucking hell timedog, that was a disgusting read lol

 

[Goldrusher]

So I start shitting and it feels like jello is sliding out of my ass at a very fast rate for about 15 seconds. Then there would be a pause for about 30 seconds followed by some more jello/smoothie type shit. There were about 3 pauses and 4 shitting sessions. Then I look down and the entire water part of the bowl is dark from floating shit, a pretty huge amount of shit. My back immediately feels a lot better.

Then the bad part happens. I fire out 2 small, heavy little torpedo-like chunks that come out like cannonballs propelled by a large amount of gas and me pushing as hard as I can. They hit the water/milkshake and cause a splash that wets my choad, the back of my balls, and whatever parts of my asscrack that weren't already covered in crap. I used toilet paper on the entire area and no matter where I wiped, the paper would come up with at least some shit. Even when I wiped my legs.

:lol

 

[YYZ]

:lol

timedog, I recently had that cannonball shit. Every day after lunch at school, I get such bad gas and I of course have to hold it in since I'm in class. I usually go to the washroom and sit on the toilet just to release the immense volume of gas in my colon. Well, one time I did that and I had some shit in me so it literally shot out like a cannonball. The gas must have acted like some kind of propellant. My ass got pretty wet and I felt dirty. It wasn't as bad as yours because the toilet wasn't filled with brown shit water, but it still surprised the shit out of me.

 

[JimiNutz]

The OP was fucking awesome! Like many others have already said, it literally made me lol :lol
The story kind of reminds me of this one time I nearly shat my pants and had to take a dump in my Aunties kitchen sink.

I was staying with my Aunty and I don't really know her that well (have only seen her a handful of times.) I had the shits real bad and I was watching TV when suddenly I thought I was gonna shit my pants. I run upstairs but my Aunty is in the bath and since its a one bedroom apartment she's only got one toilet. I was gonna bang on the door and tell her I needed to shit, but as I said I don't really know her too well and it would have been kinda awkward (especially since she was in the bath.) I ran downstairs and told myself to just hold it, but it was impossible, the shit was pretty close to leaking out of my ass and I was holding it so tight I was starting to sweat. Finally I decided I'd have to just bang on the door and I was about to head upstairs when a little bit dribbled out and I knew I wouldn't make it in time. I spun around, entered the kitchen hopped up onto the worktop, and squatted over the sink with my pants down. That shit gushed out all over the sink and it was pure liquid so it went down pretty easily (there were a couple peas, nuts and other items in there though, and they got caught in the plug.)

Anyway I was crouching over the sink emptying my bowels, thinking 'if she gets outta the bath and catches me doing this I'm gonna have to either murder her to hide the secret, or commit suicide from shame.' Luckily I finished up and I was getting to work on wiping my ass. I grabbed the paper kitchen towel and was wiping away when I heard the bathroom door open and I knew she was gonna make her way down the stairs any minute. I was stuffing the shitty paper towels into a plastic bag and I quickly turned on the taps (faucet) to try and wash the last remaining bits of shit down the plug. I was just about done tidying up when she comes into the kitchen pulls the most disgusted face I've ever seen and says 'My God what is that awful smell?!' It was then that I realised that I had forgotten to open the kitchen window and even though I couldn't really smell it, the tiny little kitchen probably stank to high heaven of fresh shit (I'd only finished like a minute or two before.) The fact that I was holding a plastic bag full of shitty tissues probably didn't help either, and I'd done a pretty poor job of wiping my ass because I was in such a rush.

Anyway I was completely mortified and the shame was clearly visible on my face. I told her I had no idea what the smell was, and that I couldn't even smell it, but any fool could probably tell I was lying. I told her I was going out and quickly exited the apartment with my plastic bag full of shitty tissues. The remainder of the week was pretty awkward although I don't know if she ever worked out what I'd done. I haven‘t been back to visit her since

 

[kaizoku]

back in highschool I was the type who refused to shit in public unless I was about to die. One day I got that loose feeling where you start to worry that this one is gonna be rather runny. Then it started hurting real bad. I managed to hold it for an hour or so, but it was too much so I decided to take the plunge.

At lunch I sneaked away from my friends and went to the quietest toilet in the school, it was right in front of an art class and the year above were in there having a lesson. As I went in a boy from my year was washing his hands, he looked at me and says "haha that stinks!" - WHAT? I stink of shit already? Had some leaked out in the past hour to spread some poo fragrance around? Fucking hope not. I just smirked in fake understanding and pretended to go take a leak and waited for him to leave.

As soon as the coast was clear I ran into the one cubicle in that bathroom and my heart sank. That sonofabitch had left diarrhea all over the place. It was covering the seat, dripping off onto the surrounding area, but weirdly, most of it seemed to be on the floor about a foot away. It was as if he'd removed his pants and his ass exploded ON THE WAY to the basin, drawing a big splash with a thinner trailing line towards the toilet. Someone had lost the race. Just!

Great, I was desperate for a dump and there was fresh steaming diarrhea all over the goddamn toilet. and by god did it stink, NOW I know what the sonofabitch was talking about.

There were no toilets nearby, they were in seperate buildings and up a few flights of stairs. A lesson in failed toilet rushing was staring me in the face. I was not going to poo all over another floor. So I got loads of toilet tissue and layed it on top of any diarrhea I could see and I went ahead and covered the whole toilet seat., I just let it fall on and soak up the liquid brown stuff. I was NOT touching or wiping that crap, even if 1000 layers of tissue were in between.

Nor was I going to sit on the seat, tissue or not, there was someone else's mess there. This called for a special position. Whilst trying to clench it all in, I had to take my shoes off, avoid stepping in any poo, take my pants off completely to ensure no evidence would splatter on them, and put my shoes back on to save my feet from accidents, I was sweating from exertion, pain, panic and stress by now. I would have to adopt a position which would ensure my poo hit the target without having to expose myself to the contaminated seat.

My answer was to rest one foot on the seat, and stand on the other leg, and then lower myself as close as possible. This angle of entry should avoid anything running down or splattering on my legs.

Thankfully I finished unscathed. I even survived my usual worst fear that is someone walking in to use the toilet. No one would ever know I had taken a shit in school!

then I walked out of the toilet only to freeze at the door. a student from the art class had been sent out of class and had to stand in the hall, right in front of the toilet! He was holding his nose, looked at me as I exited and shook his head in joint disapproval and disbelief. "That shit fucking stinks, did you shit yourself or something"

I said nothing and made a hasty retreat

 

[Youta Mottenai]

That is what my anus decided to inform me of within one blast of highly noxious ass-fumes. But no I said. I was a warrior. I would preserver and smoke my weed without delay.

So you shitted yourself because you couldn´t wait 5 or 10 minutes to smoke some crap? Talk about addiction.


OT: I´ve had the pee coming right under the seat just once, but I was at home so it was ok. But once something worse happened.
I was in a long bus trip and lo and behold cramps started to hit me (worst part is that I tried to take a pre-emptive dump before leaving just to not have to worry about shitting in road-stops, but nothing came out so I thought it would all be fine).
Holding it for more 7 or 8 hours, till I got home, wasn´t a possibility (and I so as soon the bus made to the next stop I rush to the w.c.. Luckly it was a big place, and around 1 a.m., so I managed to find a clean stall quickly.
To my surprise what came out was only some mild-wet farts, not the massive dump I expected given the cramps. Waited some more minutes and it was indeed just some high pressured gasses problem.
I cleaned myself and as I got up and was ready to pull up my trousers/trunks I realized that a piece of toilet paper got stuck between my cheeks.
"No problem, just take it out and it´s all fine", you say.
No it wasn´t. The piece not only managed to got stuck without me sensing it, but it unrolled itself and got wet with the urine+water+dirt tp mix inside the bowl. As I got up it transferred, with incredible capacity might I say, a lot of the liquid to my underwear, trousers and the seat.
The underwear was lost, but with some effort I was able to dry my jeans, hopping it was enough to prevent a remaining 8 hours long urine-scented trip.
"Luckily" it was only a case of farts. Had it be the diaherea I was expecting, no amount of tp could have cleaned the mess.

 

[TOM f'N CRUISE]

its not a story but the worst experience i had was when my shit was black and i was throwing up so much i was getting bad cramps in my stomach and i couldn't breath (throwing up so much in a row)

has anybody ever had this? wtf was it? food poisoning or something...?

 

[rainking187]

Then the bad part happens. I fire out 2 small, heavy little torpedo-like chunks that come out like cannonballs propelled by a large amount of gas and me pushing as hard as I can. They hit the water/milkshake and cause a splash that wets my choad, the back of my balls, and whatever parts of my asscrack that weren't already covered in crap. I used toilet paper on the entire area and no matter where I wiped, the paper would come up with at least some shit. Even when I wiped my legs.

Cannonball Runs.

 

[StormyTheRabbit]

So you shitted yourself because you couldn´t wait 5 or 10 minutes to smoke some crap? Talk about addiction.

Hah, first of all, not addictive. Second of all, haven't smoked in 5 days with SAT's coming up. Sucks, but its not hard. That day I just didn't think I had to shit THAT bad.

:]

 

[Night_Trekker]

I just took the sickest looking shit. Kind of like my "I haven't crapped in 3 days" thread except I it's more like "I've crapped tiny amounts every couple of days for the past 2 weeks". Meaning there's at least a week of backed up shit inside me.

I've been downing stool softener pills for the last couple days hoping to get it out because my back started to ache really bad and I felt super bloated. So i went outside to smoke and it hit me. I tried to but I couldn't even finish my cigarette, I just had to get to that goddamn bathroom as quick as possible.

So I start shitting and it feels like jello is sliding out of my ass at a very fast rate for about 15 seconds. Then there would be a pause for about 30 seconds followed by some more jello/smoothie type shit. There were about 3 pauses and 4 shitting sessions. Then I look down and the entire water part of the bowl is dark from floating shit, a pretty huge amount of shit. My back immediately feels a lot better.

Then the bad part happens. I fire out 2 small, heavy little torpedo-like chunks that come out like cannonballs propelled by a large amount of gas and me pushing as hard as I can. They hit the water/milkshake and cause a splash that wets my choad, the back of my balls, and whatever parts of my asscrack that weren't already covered in crap. I used toilet paper on the entire area and no matter where I wiped, the paper would come up with at least some shit. Even when I wiped my legs.

I wipe it everything as much as I can and take a shower. Now I'm back and posting on GAF. The worst part is that I think I only got about half of it out. My back doesn't ache as much but my hips still hurt and I still feel somewhat bloated.

The 2nd worst part is that the shit is still sitting in my toilet right now because I don't know if that much toilet paper will flush with it stopping up. I think I'm gonna let the paper get softer and degrade for a little before I try to flush. My bathroom smells like something died in there.

:lol :lol

 

[DarkJediKnight]

About 2 years ago, my girlfriend came up to me while I was watching the Stanley Cup finals, saying she couldn't shit just now!

"WHAT? WTF are you talking about? In the living room?"

She gives me this retarded look, saying that she can't shit - as in it's not coming out of her ass!!

So we both went to the washroom and she sits down and makes all these noises that sound like she's giving birth to a rollercoaster!!!!!

Nothing! Nada....

So I lube up my hand with mineral oil, lube up her ass!! And slowly shove my hand in there while she bends over the toilet. I then pull out this rock hard baguette out of her ass and tossed it into the toilet.

Washed up, went back to my game and she didn't say anything.

 

[Night_Trekker]

About 2 years ago, my girlfriend came up to me while I was watching the Stanley Cup finals, saying she couldn't shit just now!

"WHAT? WTF are you talking about? In the living room?"

She gives me this retarded look, saying that she can't shit - as in it's not coming out of her ass!!

So we both went to the washroom and she sits down and makes all these noises that sound like she's giving birth to a rollercoaster!!!!!

Nothing! Nada....

So I lube up my hand with mineral oil, lube up her ass!! And slowly shove my hand in there while she bends over the toilet. I then pull out this rock hard baguette out of her ass and tossed it into the toilet.

Washed up, went back to my game and she didn't say anything.

This did not happen. Please tell me this did not really happen :lol :lol :lol

 

[BakedPigeon]

.....dude

 

[Timedog]

The turds flushed fine after I let the TP deteriorate for awhile. I got a picture of the disaster too, but I can't find my USB cord for my camera since I haven't used it in like 2 years.

 

[sikkinixx]

I read the OP to be girlfriend and the look on her face was about as funny as the post itself :lol :lol

 

[Slurmer]

About 2 years ago, my girlfriend came up to me while I was watching the Stanley Cup finals, saying she couldn't shit just now!

"WHAT? WTF are you talking about? In the living room?"

She gives me this retarded look, saying that she can't shit - as in it's not coming out of her ass!!

So we both went to the washroom and she sits down and makes all these noises that sound like she's giving birth to a rollercoaster!!!!!

Nothing! Nada....

So I lube up my hand with mineral oil, lube up her ass!! And slowly shove my hand in there while she bends over the toilet. I then pull out this rock hard baguette out of her ass and tossed it into the toilet.

Washed up, went back to my game and she didn't say anything.

 

[kozmo7]

Jeez, these stories are awful.

Guys and gals.. PROTIP: Put a little bit of toilet paper in the bowl before you go #2. It will prevent splashing if you place it in the right spot. Learned it from the tips for life thread and ever since I've took on the habit.

 

[The Chef]

The OP was fucking awesome! Like many others have already said, it literally made me lol :lol
The story kind of reminds me of this one time I nearly shat my pants and had to take a dump in my Aunties kitchen sink.

There were some fantastic stories in here - but dude, shitting in your aunts sink had me crying with laughter.

Ah, so I guess its my turn.

My wife and I had just finished dinner at her sisters home and were getting ready to have some dessert. When my sister-in-law asked if I'd like some decaf espresso I eagerly accepted (later realizing that this was that beginning of my downfall).

We are getting ready to leave and at this point I have to take a tremendous shit - I felt it aching in my sides. It seemed crazy to destroy their bathroom situated a few paces from the living room when our home was only a good 5 minutes away.

My wife and I had taken separate cars there because we both came from work. It started a lot like the OP's story. A lot of gas that got to the point where if I were to push again it would seriously unload a disaster in my pants.

I hadn't been driving for more than a minute. Just about to pull onto the freeway and already I have beads of sweat forming on my forehead. My intestines keep attacking my ass like a battering ram, each time becoming more and more difficult to hold in.
I am literally screaming. Punching my steering wheel like Ripley from Alien "COMMON YOU BITCH!!!" I only had one more exit to go.

I did everything I could to try and stop it but sometimes there is nothing you can do. This was truly a frighting moment. I started farting completely involuntarily. No matter how hard I squeezed there was no stopping it.

About a tablespoon of hot diarrhea squirted into my pants. My knees locked, pushing against the floorboard to keep my ass off the seat. My mouth was wide open, my eyes full of complete shock and horror at what was undoubtedly to be my final hour.

About a gallon of shit filled my pants. I could feel my jeans sagging down as the roaring torrent of dung splashed into the growing pool in my boxers. My body rejoiced at its victory over me - it was if my ass was sure that it was sitting on a toilet and without any worry unloaded every last reserve in the tank.

I pulled into the driveway - staring in bewilderment. I hadn't the slightest idea of how I was to proceed. Cupping my boxers to my legs I stood feeling the startling weight of 15lbs of liquid being held within thin cloth boxers.

I was in the bathroom for a long time after I cleaned up and showered. I felt like a beast not fit to live among man.

 

[kaizoku]

chef :lol :lol

you totally skipped over how the hell you managed to drive home/get out of car/walk to bathroom and if anyone found out!

 

[The Chef]

chef

you totally skipped over how the hell you managed to drive home/get out of car/walk to bathroom and if anyone found out!

Driving was a challenge. I had my left foot pressed hard against the floor next to the brake pedal along with pressing my back firmly against my seat I was able to keep elevated while allowing my right foot room for the gas and brake. If I had to drive any further or had a manual transmission I'd have to sit in my own shit like a kiddie pool.

Thankfully I got home before my wife because it took a few minutes to take baby steps to the bathroom. I was so nervous that any stride too far would break the seal that was my hands with a death grip around the base of my boxers.

I sat there on the toilet looking down into the chocolate moose with my wife outside the door "Hey, you ok in there?". I had to wipe the sweat from brow before I could reply. "Yeah, yeah I'm fine...I'll be out in a sec."

I crawled into bed, kissed my wife and laid awake for a long time.

 

[MadOdorMachine]

I nearly shit myself once, and I have to tell you that when you are at that point and you're literally about to say fuck it, it's liberating. If you can shit in your pants like a little baby, you are more free than you probably ever will be again. Nothing else really matters at that point. Here's my story.

It was probably around summer of 2004/2005. I was on vacation visiting my family and I was hanging out at my sister's apartment about to go to my moms which is 30 miles away. I felt a slight need to take a dump before I left, but I figured I would be okay until I got to my moms. Wrong. About half way there, my intestines growl at me like an angry beast, caged and seeking freedom. Bear in mind that this is right after I passed the last exit of any life until I got to my moms exit. Uncomfortably, I held it and the problem went away. I thought I was good to go. About 5 minutes later, I get warned with a whimper a subtle hint from the beast, "I'm still here." The whimper quickly turned into a ferocious growl. This time the beast even more furious before and decided out of no where it was going to make a mad dash right for my asshole. I didn't think it was possible to suck your asshole back into itself, but apparently it is. I swear to god if you've ever sucked on a lemon and your lips puckered, that's exactly what my ass did. This went on for about 5 minutes. By the time I made it to the exit, I had calmed the beast thankfully. As I stopped at the stop sign, I wiped the sweat from my cold, clammy brow. I take the turn to my moms house and few minutes later the beast announced itself again. This time there was no holding him back. I literally felt like my intestines were on a roller coaster. I started speeding in a frantic rush to get to my moms. I tell myself if a cop pulls me over, screw it, I'll run into the woods and shit right there. If he wants to ticket me, he'll just have to wait. I finally make it to the home stretch, and there's one last stop sign before my moms. What's terrible is that I was in a manual transmission and I was literally standing up in my truck so that I could muster up the strength to reach the clutch and keep my ass cheeks clinched together. At that point my sphincter had called for back-up and there was no way he could have fended off the beast himself. They tag teamed it with the right and left ass cheeks for back-up. Anyway, I'm at the stop sign standing up, pale and sweating when I was seriously contemplating on shitting myself. I was less than a minute away from a toilet and I didn't think I could make it. Any dignity you have is immediately gone. This is human nature at it's core. It was primal. I drove while still standing in my truck and somehow managed to get to my moms. I honestly don't know how I made from the car to her door. I opened the door and there was my mom with a bunch of other housewives drinking tea or something. My mom said hello and tried to start up a conversation and I just ran straight to the bathroom which luckily was right by the front door. I mean to tell you that I was shitting before my ass was on the toilet seat. I don't think I've ever been so relieved in my life.

 

[Timedog]

I nearly shit myself once, and I have to tell you that when you are at that point and you're literally about to say fuck it, it's liberating. If you can shit in your pants like a little baby, you are more free than you probably ever will be again. Nothing else really matters at that point. Here's my story.

It was probably around summer of 2004/2005. I was on vacation visiting my family and I was hanging out at my sister's apartment about to go to my moms which is 30 miles away. I felt a slight need to take a dump before I left, but I figured I would be okay until I got to my moms. Wrong. About half way there, my intestines growl at me like an angry beast, caged and seeking freedom. Bear in mind that this is right after I passed the last exit of any life until I got to my moms exit. Uncomfortably, I held it and the problem went away. I thought I was good to go. About 5 minutes later, I get warned with a whimper a subtle hint from the beast, "I'm still here." The whimper quickly turned into a ferocious growl. This time the beast even more furious before and decided out of no where it was going to make a mad dash right for my asshole. I didn't think it was possible to suck your asshole back into itself, but apparently it is. I swear to god if you've ever sucked on a lemon and your lips puckered, that's exactly what my ass did. This went on for about 5 minutes. By the time I made it to the exit, I had calmed the beast thankfully. As I stopped at the stop sign, I wiped the sweat from my cold, clammy brow. I take the turn to my moms house and few minutes later the beast announced itself again. This time there was no holding him back. I literally felt like my intestines were on a roller coaster. I started speeding in a frantic rush to get to my moms. I tell myself if a cop pulls me over, screw it, I'll run into the woods and shit right there. If he wants to ticket me, he'll just have to wait. I finally make it to the home stretch, and there's one last stop sign before my moms. What's terrible is that I was in a manual transmission and I was literally standing up in my truck so that I could muster up the strength to reach the clutch and keep my ass cheeks clinched together. At that point my sphincter had called for back-up and there was no way he could have fended off the beast himself. They tag teamed it with the right and left ass cheeks for back-up. Anyway, I'm at the stop sign standing up, pale and sweating when I was seriously contemplating on shitting myself. I was less than a minute away from a toilet and I didn't think I could make it. Any dignity you have is immediately gone. This is human nature at it's core. It was primal. I drove while still standing in my truck and somehow managed to get to my moms. I honestly don't know how I made from the car to her door. I opened the door and there was my mom with a bunch of other housewives drinking tea or something. My mom said hello and tried to start up a conversation and I just ran straight to the bathroom which luckily was right by the front door. I mean to tell you that I was shitting before my ass was on the toilet seat. I don't think I've ever been so relieved in my life.

(neutral) MadOdorMachine
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(Today, 07:33 PM)
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obligatory.

 

[refreshZ]

I went to some party once miles from home, got wasted and decided walking the bus route home was a really good idea at around 2am. My alcohol addled mind reasoned that 10 miles + was a walk in the park and I set to it. Around halfway through this epic trek (and considerably more sober) I felt a turtle head bidding for freedom. Being as it was almost 4am I was in a tricky situation, there were no public lavatories for miles and I was a long way from home. I happened to find myself in a quiet suburb literally not a soul or a car in sight so I decided to pick the first house I came across that had a dark enough front garden and birth my hellspawn.

The house I picked had a short side alley leading around the side - it was plenty dark so I opted for this. I rapidly commenced curling out a man-sized portion, feeling nary a drop of guilt for the poor soul who's misfortune it would be to chance across it. As my eyes grew accustomed to the dim light in the alley and toward the epic finale of this sinful business, I realised I was literally outside their front door. This was unfortunate and far from deliberate, but it was too late now.

Just as I completed this thought, a spotlight suddenly illuminated me, crouched like Golem over my precious shitpile. The house had one of those motion-sensitive lights in the doorway that had somehow not activated during the whole time it took me to walk down, drop trou and deficate like a pro. I pinched off, pulled up my kecks and legged it up the driveway, looking back only once to see what had strained forth. And by God it was a big pile of shit. Perfectly topped off with a Mr Whippy pinch. I hope they appreciated it for the thing of wonder that it was.

 

[Slizz]

*smokin blunt shitting pants story*

man i knew your story was doomed when you said you were going to smoke a blunt. that tobacco is a natural laxative, and even if you have a baby shit waiting, itll make you need to clench. so a huge shit like your describing can only mean trouble when smoking that blunt lol

 

[SCULLIBUNDO]

I went to some party once miles from home, got wasted and decided walking the bus route home was a really good idea at around 2am. My alcohol addled mind reasoned that 10 miles + was a walk in the park and I set to it. Around halfway through this epic trek (and considerably more sober) I felt a turtle head bidding for freedom. Being as it was almost 4am I was in a tricky situation, there were no public lavatories for miles and I was a long way from home. I happened to find myself in a quiet suburb literally not a soul or a car in sight so I decided to pick the first house I came across that had a dark enough front garden and birth my hellspawn.

The house I picked had a short side alley leading around the side - it was plenty dark so I opted for this. I rapidly commenced curling out a man-sized portion, feeling nary a drop of guilt for the poor soul who's misfortune it would be to chance across it. As my eyes grew accustomed to the dim light in the alley and toward the epic finale of this sinful business, I realised I was literally outside their front door. This was unfortunate and far from deliberate, but it was too late now.

Just as I completed this thought, a spotlight suddenly illuminated me, crouched like Golem over my precious shitpile. The house had one of those motion-sensitive lights in the doorway that had somehow not activated during the whole time it took me to walk down, drop trou and deficate like a pro. I pinched off, pulled up my kecks and legged it up the driveway, looking back only once to see what had strained forth. And by God it was a big pile of shit. Perfectly topped off with a Mr Whippy pinch. I hope they appreciated it for the thing of wonder that it was.

Bravo good sir.

 

[Grug]

There were some fantastic stories in here - but dude, shitting in your aunts sink had me crying with laughter.

Ah, so I guess its my turn.

My wife and I had just finished dinner at her sisters home and were getting ready to have some dessert. When my sister-in-law asked if I'd like some decaf espresso I eagerly accepted (later realizing that this was that beginning of my downfall).

We are getting ready to leave and at this point I have to take a tremendous shit - I felt it aching in my sides. It seemed crazy to destroy their bathroom situated a few paces from the living room when our home was only a good 5 minutes away.

My wife and I had taken separate cars there because we both came from work. It started a lot like the OP's story. A lot of gas that got to the point where if I were to push again it would seriously unload a disaster in my pants.

I hadn't been driving for more than a minute. Just about to pull onto the freeway and already I have beads of sweat forming on my forehead. My intestines keep attacking my ass like a battering ram, each time becoming more and more difficult to hold in.
I am literally screaming. Punching my steering wheel like Ripley from Alien "COMMON YOU BITCH!!!" I only had one more exit to go.

I did everything I could to try and stop it but sometimes there is nothing you can do. This was truly a frighting moment. I started farting completely involuntarily. No matter how hard I squeezed there was no stopping it.

About a tablespoon of hot diarrhea squirted into my pants. My knees locked, pushing against the floorboard to keep my ass off the seat. My mouth was wide open, my eyes full of complete shock and horror at what was undoubtedly to be my final hour.

About a gallon of shit filled my pants. I could feel my jeans sagging down as the roaring torrent of dung splashed into the growing pool in my boxers. My body rejoiced at its victory over me - it was if my ass was sure that it was sitting on a toilet and without any worry unloaded every last reserve in the tank.

I pulled into the driveway - staring in bewilderment. I hadn't the slightest idea of how I was to proceed. Cupping my boxers to my legs I stood feeling the startling weight of 15lbs of liquid being held within thin cloth boxers.

I was in the bathroom for a long time after I cleaned up and showered. I felt like a beast not fit to live among man.

There are some brilliant posts in this thread, but this is ART.

 

[Ollie Pooch]

giving birth to a rollercoaster!!!!!

i actually burst out laughing at this. :lol

looking down into the chocolate moose

:lol

 

[kkaabboomm]

my story....oh it pains me to even recall the horror.

I'm driving from Seattle to Tacoma, me and my girlfriend in the car, my parents in a car behind me (long road trip, they flew out to Seattle to drive down to SanFran with me).

We're driving along, it's about 11am, and we're heading to Stadium High School because my girlfriend loves 10 Things I Hate About You. Easy to find via google maps, so yeah.

About an hour before hand we had been eating some breakfast at a Seattle McDonalds. 2 Sausage Biscuits and a hashbrown later, breakfast had ended. Or so I thought.

The standard 'oh, i might need to shit' feeling comes up as we're driving, but we're heading into a city, so I'm not too worried. if push comes to shove i'm sure there will be many gas stations or cafe's or fast food places or someting.

I miss my exit and end up driving along some coastal highway thing beneath the stadium bowl, and that's when things get bad. I'd just driven from Anchorage to Seattle over the past couple of days, I was exhausted, and now, not later, I had to shit. It was coming, and there was nothing but 2 lanes of highway and a cliff for the next like 8 miles. I speed up, pull an illegal u-turn in the 'cop-median-break' thing, and speed back down the road, trying desperately to get off this highway and into town.

The shit was about to break free from its colon prison into a car I would be driving in for the next week across the country, and that would be unacceptable.

I get off the highway, into town. OK, gas station, something. Alas, I end up in some fucking downtown esque/residential area. fuck my life. Things are desperate. My parents are calling me, wondering wtf i was doing and where i'd gone and why i was driving erratically, but all i could do was give the phone to my girlfriend, i had to stay 100% focused on finding a place to shit.

I hit a red light. I see a place to eat. It does not open til like 11:30. too early. I start sweating, the horrible, horrible shit sweats. I beg my girlfriend to ask the GPS where a gas station is, something. I have to fart really bad too, but I know if I do, that will be the end of my pants, my car seat, and possibly my relationship.

I speed up and down Tacoma streets, tears in my eyes as the shit pains get to that unbearable point of 'you will shit immediately. this is your last chance. find a pot or you will lose the game'.

At about the time I was ready to give up, shit about to literally force itself out despite any control I might have, I see a park. A city park, in Tacoma. And on the other side of this park, what looks like a public bathroom. Jumping the curb, I park half off the road, half in the park, and, not saying a word to my now-scared and very worried girlfriend, start running. I am told later that my parents pulled up as I was running, and all they saw was the fastest man on earth sprinting across the park.

Only it wasn't a normal run. it was a 'hold your asscheeks together' run. still the fastest i've ever run in my life, even with that condition.

As i approached the bathroom building, horror strikes. There is an iron bared gate across the doorways. One of those 'we dont want public sex in the public bathrooms, so we'll just leave them closed' gates. A gate of doom. Still though, the shit is coming. whether that gate is locked or not, i will be shitting at their public restroom.

I arrive, and the gods smiled upon me. it isn't locked. i find a pot, and an explosion that rivaled mt. st. helen's erupted. an 'oh shit flee for your lives' explosion. a couple minutes later, it was done. I cleaned up, even used the sink and paper towels. walking back, the 'wtf' expressions on my parents and girlfriends faces was nothing compared to the relief i felt.

 

[edgefusion]

I just took the sickest looking shit. Kind of like my "I haven't crapped in 3 days" thread except I it's more like "I've crapped tiny amounts every couple of days for the past 2 weeks". Meaning there's at least a week of backed up shit inside me.

I've been downing stool softener pills for the last couple days hoping to get it out because my back started to ache really bad and I felt super bloated. So i went outside to smoke and it hit me. I tried to but I couldn't even finish my cigarette, I just had to get to that goddamn bathroom as quick as possible.

So I start shitting and it feels like jello is sliding out of my ass at a very fast rate for about 15 seconds. Then there would be a pause for about 30 seconds followed by some more jello/smoothie type shit. There were about 3 pauses and 4 shitting sessions. Then I look down and the entire water part of the bowl is dark from floating shit, a pretty huge amount of shit. My back immediately feels a lot better.

Then the bad part happens. I fire out 2 small, heavy little torpedo-like chunks that come out like cannonballs propelled by a large amount of gas and me pushing as hard as I can. They hit the water/milkshake and cause a splash that wets my choad, the back of my balls, and whatever parts of my asscrack that weren't already covered in crap. I used toilet paper on the entire area and no matter where I wiped, the paper would come up with at least some shit. Even when I wiped my legs.

I wipe it everything as much as I can and take a shower. Now I'm back and posting on GAF. The worst part is that I think I only got about half of it out. My back doesn't ache as much but my hips still hurt and I still feel somewhat bloated.

The 2nd worst part is that the shit is still sitting in my toilet right now because I don't know if that much toilet paper will flush with it stopping up. I think I'm gonna let the paper get softer and degrade for a little before I try to flush. My bathroom smells like something died in there.

Sounds to me like you miscarried.

 

[EatChildren]

It will be a crime if this isn't archived.

 

[Youta Mottenai]

I was less than a minute away from a toilet and I didn't think I could make it....

The dreadful last seconds/steps.
It´s like the "beast" knows you are getting near safety and doesn´t want to be defeated.

P.S.: I´m enjoying the epic way these tales are being told. :lol

 

[JimiNutz]

It will be a crime if this isn't archived.

This is honestly one of the funniest threads I've ever read on GAF. Who thought shitting your pants could be so damn funny :lol
I'm kind of tempted to go and eat a little raw chicken, go for a long run in my local park, and then just suddenly shit myself.

 

[EatChildren]

This is honestly one of the funniest threads I've ever read on GAF. Who thought shitting your pants could be so damn funny :lol

Tell me about it. Yesterday I ate waaay too much tuna pasta and nearly ended up shitting myself laughing while reading this thread.

It's a bitter sweet kind of irony that reminds you why it's great to be alive. Feels good man.

 

[desverger]

Not a personal experience as such, but during my time in the army some people were really prude about taking a crap in the woods while we were out camping, even when we dug a nice hole in the ground and fixed a stick between two trees so they could sit on it

Especially on our first training camp which lasted for a week, there were guys holding it off for the entire week. I can only imagine the pain of having to do physical exercise while having to "pull it in" all the time :lol

And of course once we got back to the barracks, the toilets would explode. The smell that came out from the bathrooms was just horrific, even when the toilets were sanitized and washed thoroughly. Must be all that army food they serviced us.

 

[GaryD]

Yeh one day I got on the train for an hour long journey. Had mad gut pains from the moment I got on. I knew I was going to shit a big runny one. Had plenty of chance to get off and shit on the way but I couldn't be fucked. I let a few nasty ones rip but I knew the next one would follow through. Anyway after the hour long trip and trying to keep my sphincter clentched, I got to the destination and fucken bolted up the stairs trying to keep my arse hole closed (would have been funny to see I'm sure). I'm pushing everyone out of my way and running up to the escalators to the shitter. I run around for a minute looking like a freak trying to find where theyr'e at. Then I found them, 1st dunny I ran into, no toilet paper, FUCK! So I ran to the one next to it, door won't lock FUCK! So I managed to wedge myself in a position so my foot could hold the door closed while my arse was aiming down the hole. I sprayed hot molten shite for a few minutes then attempted the clean up operation. Unfortunately there wasn't a whole heaps of toilet paper so I was very miserly and made the most of what little I had. Ended up having to pull my undies off and use them as a second wiping. Ended up flushing them and then running, knowing full well they would probably jam up the shitter and some poor cunt would have to clean it up. I felt bad but what else was I to do?

 

[VPhys]

I had to pull over to the side of Interstate 5 once and shit while cars drove past me. There was a good 10 miles before the next available bathroom and I wouldnt have made it. Used my wifes fleece sweater to wipe up.

So someone explain this to me.


When you get married is shitting in front your wife a normal thing?

 

[GaryD]

Fuck I've done so many of the moves already posted in this thread. I've had to do the half standing/sitting driving position more than a few times. Never shitted my pants except for when I was a little kid. I still remember the day and the horror. Having to dump my undies in the bin. It taught me a very important life lesson on when to hold onto your farts.

 

[Rur0ni]

So someone explain this to me.


When you get married is shitting in front your wife a normal thing?

Everything is game once you get comfortable around one another.