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[Roxkis_ii]

I was going to post something, but the posts ahead of me already said it better then I could.


Just dropping some encouragement and neogaf love.

You got this op.

 

[synchronicity]

That's one way to put it : D
A you might be right after all. But I wish I could already come in peace and find balance with this situation that's been happening for too long.

The insistence on immediate peace - or to escape suffering - is preventing you from reaching the peace you seek. You must work through things as they are before you can ever open up a new reality for yourself. Things are the way they are so that you can learn and rise above. Try and quiet yourself and listen closely within. Discover what is really happening down deep - get to the root of it. Often this just requires being open. You often don't have to actually do anything other than be receptive to the truth within. But that can require courage and thoughtful attention. Good luck brother. The sun always rises.

 

[StreetsofBeige]

I'm here and I'm reading (if anyone thought I disappeared : 3) . Just let me some time to process all of this and answer. Will edit later. Cheers < 3
Anyways, I'll say now another thing related to all of this:

After so much time faking, I struggle to know who I really am, if that makes sense. I really had some bad days thinking about this.
Some days I think that 'Im just a person full of resentment and jealousy'. Other days I think I'm a person who has a tough life and only knows to live fighting.

The main problem really is my self-awareness. I have the problem of identifying and put a name to every thought and emotion that cames to my mind. And it's impossible to handle : D

Just be yourself and dont worry about impressing others. True friends will stick with you. But to be fair, everyone gets older and has their own lives to live.

It's unfair to my friends and fam to expect them to be always around to hang out like we're young when they got families. Just because I'm always available since I'm single I got to let them focus on their priorities which is kids and keeping a job.

And dont worry what other people have. Trying to play the keep up with the Jones is a disaster situation. And besides, just because people post awesome things on FB and have a nice car can mean zero.

One guy I know has normal family pics on FB. Real life. They guys divorced, wife took a ton of $$$ off him, he had to sell their house and he lives in a condo probably 1/4 the size of what he had before. Got so bad, he's telling me ways he's going to shift money around and hope she and her lawyer dont know about it. You'll never that on his FB feed.

Second guy. Good job, makes more than me. Drives a nice car which he likes switching up every 3-4 years. Always has one of the best cars in the parking lot. Guess what? Guy split from his wife, they had a messy divorce with a shitty schedule to see his kid. Never seen him tell that to the world once. And what a closer friend told me about him, they guy doesnt save a lot of money. He's a live for today guy, which doesnt sit well with a divorce situation.

 

[Majima Everywhere System]

Don't miss out on taking up hobbies because they make you feel inauthentic at first. Some of my best and lasting joys post 30 were new hobbies that most people thought didn't fit me.

They can give you another way to accomplish when other parts of life get stuck...and they do around 30. No big deal.

 

[GardenOfAbbylon]

Disregard any thoughts focusing on accomplishments in relation to age. People put way too much pressure on themselves thinking they need to accomplish certain things in arbitrary time frames. Don't do that to yourself. Personally I would also disregard a previous posters suggestion of finding God. I find MOST (not all) people tend to lose free thought and any sort of individuality from it. It causes a whole new set of problems. It's not a bad thing to be a people pleaser. I also disagree with a previous poster saying they're manipulators. I don't believe in that kind of absolute. You can be a people pleaser without expecting compensation. Everyone is different. Like, I'm a people pleaser because I have low self esteem, and I feel like if I can make someone else happy, I did a good thing for them. That and I genuinely enjoy helping people (within reason). You can still help others without devoting ALL of your energy towards it. You need to do things for you to. Take time to do the things you enjoy. Friend groups fall apart all the time. I'm not saying everyone is replaceable, not at all, but life goes that way sometimes and even though it's difficult, it's not such a bad thing to see what other kind of people are out there. I suggest the app Meetup to get together with people with similar interests. I did that when I moved here 2 years ago for an arcade cabinet enthusiasts group and have made some amazing friends since then. Actually seeing some of them this weekend. Hang in there.

 

[nush]

Disregard any thoughts focusing on accomplishments in relation to age. People put way too much pressure on themselves thinking they need to accomplish certain things in arbitrary time frames. Don't do that to yourself.

Good advice I was told that "Everything takes longer to happen then you think it will".

 

[Tams]

And the worst part of all is that I have fought almost all my life to be the most correct person I could be. Always trying to not ruin anyone's day, always prioritizing other's feelings over my own. Always guided
to achieve the best and 'right' outcome instead I acknowledging my feelings. I treated everyone the best I could (eventhough I had my dark times but that didnt have real consequences and didnt last long), and if I didnt like someone,
i just avoided interaction.
So my situation now is really frustrating because I fight hard for the opposite.

As someone who had been in a similar situation; this is your problem.

If you're in this situation it seems a terrible thing to do, but you need to put yourself first. Before all others. Yes, of course you shouldn't hurt others (physically, forget about the mire of other people's mental issues) and don't be an arsehole, but that's all you need to do. And yes, you do need to keep yourself in check to make sure you don't become a narcissist. Plus, you can still care about bigger issues like pollution, waste, global warming, etc.

The main thing is that you need to focus on yourself. Having a way to earn a living is the most important and if you can enjoy that, great. Outside of that just try to improve yourself. Exercise to at least stay healthy, more if that's your thing. A variety of hobbies. And if you have a more specific goal, work on whatever skills that requires. And once you really get going on those, you can find groups that do them to. At the least, they can help you improve, but you may also make some friends and some may even become good friends. And that way you always have whatever brought you together to fall back on.

 

[UnNamed]

Since I had some of these problems, and I would say some of them are not fully solved yet, social skills is something you learn when you're young when your mind is more flexible to changes, after that is more difficult to interact with people... but not impossible.

"Go to the gym" is something people usually say but it's not that easy because if you're too closed, talk with new people is difficult anyway.

I'd say you should force yourself to learn something new, make different activities. I used the term "force" because people are used to do their thing and do something new can be hard.
At that point, you'll have a wider cultural baggage which help you to begin talk to people and not having the fear to not let the discussion die, or having the imposter phenomenon.

And then, go to gym.

Of course, this is just an opinion and not a phsychiatric help.

 

[StreetsofBeige]

Disregard any thoughts focusing on accomplishments in relation to age. People put way too much pressure on themselves thinking they need to accomplish certain things in arbitrary time frames. Don't do that to yourself.

Personally, I prefer following a standard way of life which is school, degree, work, retire. But thats just me and it worked.

But I agree with what you say.

Adding to your statement is for everyone not to be afraid of changing careers later in life. Even if that means you might need to bite the bullet and do some courses. Of course, you got to be realistic and evaluate if it's worth doing.

But I know people who did the usual college/university after high school, graduated in some program, worked a bunch of years and hated it. Then went back to school and did something else. Some kept working and did some night classes (more like an accreditation), and then slowly transitioned to a new career.

Some stuff I've seen as I've worked in office with other business job people:

- shifting to being a teacher
- shifting to real estate agent
- going back to school and getting a medical job
- doing a 180 and being a town councilman
- quitting the corporate grind and doing landscaping/renovations
- quitting the company and running his own company and website using what he learned at the company
- quitting being a high level director and purposely taking a lower level job at another company because he wants something easier before he retires

Don't worry about what people think. Trust me, nobody is going to care. They got other things to worry about. Nobody is spending 24/7 thinking why Tom changed careers at 40. He wanted to change it up. Good for him. His call. Is Tom still a good guy? Ya. That's what matters, not his job.

 

[Whitecrow]

The insistence on immediate peace - or to escape suffering - is preventing you from reaching the peace you seek. You must work through things as they are before you can ever open up a new reality for yourself. Things are the way they are so that you can learn and rise above. Try and quiet yourself and listen closely within. Discover what is really happening down deep - get to the root of it. Often this just requires being open. You often don't have to actually do anything other than be receptive to the truth within. But that can require courage and thoughtful attention. Good luck brother. The sun always rises.

And when do things stop to challenge and let someone just 'be'? I'm tired of constantly having to improve, learn, and rise above the struggles, but well, that's just how things are, I got used to it : )

Just be yourself and dont worry about impressing others. True friends will stick with you. But to be fair, everyone gets older and has their own lives to live.

It's unfair to my friends and fam to expect them to be always around to hang out like we're young when they got families. Just because I'm always available since I'm single I got to let them focus on their priorities which is kids and keeping a job.

And dont worry what other people have. Trying to play the keep up with the Jones is a disaster situation. And besides, just because people post awesome things on FB and have a nice car can mean zero.

One guy I know has normal family pics on FB. Real life. They guys divorced, wife took a ton of $$$ off him, he had to sell their house and he lives in a condo probably 1/4 the size of what he had before. Got so bad, he's telling me ways he's going to shift money around and hope she and her lawyer dont know about it. You'll never that on his FB feed.

Second guy. Good job, makes more than me. Drives a nice car which he likes switching up every 3-4 years. Always has one of the best cars in the parking lot. Guess what? Guy split from his wife, they had a messy divorce with a shitty schedule to see his kid. Never seen him tell that to the world once. And what a closer friend told me about him, they guy doesnt save a lot of money. He's a live for today guy, which doesnt sit well with a divorce situation.

Well I'm not really feeling envy from that kind of superficial stories. I feel jealous and angry from success stories, from people moving forward and accomplishing things, because I fought with all my strength, and I'm now at the starting point : ( But anyways I get the point, make comparisons = disaster. Is hard to avoid tho...

Don't miss out on taking up hobbies because they make you feel inauthentic at first. Some of my best and lasting joys post 30 were new hobbies that most people thought didn't fit me.

They can give you another way to accomplish when other parts of life get stuck...and they do around 30. No big deal.

Working on it : )

Disregard any thoughts focusing on accomplishments in relation to age. People put way too much pressure on themselves thinking they need to accomplish certain things in arbitrary time frames. Don't do that to yourself. Personally I would also disregard a previous posters suggestion of finding God. I find MOST (not all) people tend to lose free thought and any sort of individuality from it. It causes a whole new set of problems. It's not a bad thing to be a people pleaser. I also disagree with a previous poster saying they're manipulators. I don't believe in that kind of absolute. You can be a people pleaser without expecting compensation. Everyone is different. Like, I'm a people pleaser because I have low self esteem, and I feel like if I can make someone else happy, I did a good thing for them. That and I genuinely enjoy helping people (within reason). You can still help others without devoting ALL of your energy towards it. You need to do things for you to. Take time to do the things you enjoy. Friend groups fall apart all the time. I'm not saying everyone is replaceable, not at all, but life goes that way sometimes and even though it's difficult, it's not such a bad thing to see what other kind of people are out there. I suggest the app Meetup to get together with people with similar interests. I did that when I moved here 2 years ago for an arcade cabinet enthusiasts group and have made some amazing friends since then. Actually seeing some of them this weekend. Hang in there.

Yeah this is me. But I think the source of this is the fear of rejection. As long as I can make someone feel a bit better, the less 'in danger' I am.
But following your advice, I should look for new ways to find new people. I tried to do it by some sites I know but that never works and I end up giving up.

As someone who had been in a similar situation; this is your problem.

If you're in this situation it seems a terrible thing to do, but you need to put yourself first. Before all others. Yes, of course you shouldn't hurt others (physically, forget about the mire of other people's mental issues) and don't be an arsehole, but that's all you need to do. And yes, you do need to keep yourself in check to make sure you don't become a narcissist. Plus, you can still care about bigger issues like pollution, waste, global warming, etc.

The main thing is that you need to focus on yourself. Having a way to earn a living is the most important and if you can enjoy that, great. Outside of that just try to improve yourself. Exercise to at least stay healthy, more if that's your thing. A variety of hobbies. And if you have a more specific goal, work on whatever skills that requires. And once you really get going on those, you can find groups that do them to. At the least, they can help you improve, but you may also make some friends and some may even become good friends. And that way you always have whatever brought you together to fall back on.

In reality, putting others before me is a thing of the past, I think I've fixed that, nevertheless, the fact that after caring so much for others I ended up like I'm now kinda infuriates me.
Also, like I've said, aside this loneliness I usually feel, I have this hobbie dilema I have to sort out. I wanna make a game, write a book, compose music for bands, improve my guitar and piano skills, being good at the games I like...
you know. There aint time for learning everything.
I'm totally incapable of focusing on just one or two things. It's beyond me and it makes me hate me. Well, not really, but you understand : DDD

I hope someday I get proper ADHD medication.

Since I had some of these problems, and I would say some of them are not fully solved yet, social skills is something you learn when you're young when your mind is more flexible to changes, after that is more difficult to interact with people... but not impossible.

"Go to the gym" is something people usually say but it's not that easy because if you're too closed, talk with new people is difficult anyway.

I'd say you should force yourself to learn something new, make different activities. I used the term "force" because people are used to do their thing and do something new can be hard.
At that point, you'll have a wider cultural baggage which help you to begin talk to people and not having the fear to not let the discussion die, or having the imposter phenomenon.

And then, go to gym.

Of course, this is just an opinion and not a phsychiatric help.

See above.

Personally, I prefer following a standard way of life which is school, degree, work, retire. But thats just me and it worked.

But I agree with what you say.

Adding to your statement is for everyone not to be afraid of changing careers later in life. Even if that means you might need to bite the bullet and do some courses. Of course, you got to be realistic and evaluate if it's worth doing.

But I know people who did the usual college/university after high school, graduated in some program, worked a bunch of years and hated it. Then went back to school and did something else. Some kept working and did some night classes (more like an accreditation), and then slowly transitioned to a new career.

Some stuff I've seen as I've worked in office with other business job people:

- shifting to being a teacher
- shifting to real estate agent
- going back to school and getting a medical job
- doing a 180 and being a town councilman
- quitting the corporate grind and doing landscaping/renovations
- quitting the company and running his own company and website using what he learned at the company
- quitting being a high level director and purposely taking a lower level job at another company because he wants something easier before he retires

Don't worry about what people think. Trust me, nobody is going to care. They got other things to worry about. Nobody is spending 24/7 thinking why Tom changed careers at 40. He wanted to change it up. Good for him. His call. Is Tom still a good guy? Ya. That's what matters, not his job.

I totally agree with this. I had some friends did that too and they are happy as ever now.

I dont wanna look like a little whiney kid who complains about everything, but the 'I dont know what I really would like to do' is my life motto.
If i could solve that I think everything would be much easier, but I have so much garbage thougths on my head that I cant see through.

Some therapist have some hard work to do lmao

And as always, thank you all a lot for the support, I feel a lot better reading your responses. Love you < 3

 

[MaestroMike]

 

[CloudNull]

SOme months ago I had a nice group of people I played Valorant with, but suddently almost everyone went their way and there's no group anymore ( I swear I didnt do anything, it just happened).

The real question is who do you main OP? Are you the anti-smokes players that ruin my ranked Q lol.

Also, it seems the thread has you covered. It will get easier as it always does. Just got to fight through the shit.

 

[QuantumZebra]

Hit the gym.

People can laugh but this is so fucking true.

Working out has an absolutely astounding list of benefits:

- Self confidence
- Self respect
- Energy
- Motivation
- Meet new people
- Have a "thing" that your mind is dedicated to (once I started hitting the gym regularly I'd literally daydream about working out)
- Long term anxiety and depression relief (literally ended my depression a month into working out)

Other ideas:

- College
- Gaming/Airsoft/Other sport clubs
- Hobbies (Warhammer or Magic type stuff)

 

[synchronicity]

And when do things stop to challenge and let someone just 'be'? I'm tired of constantly having to improve, learn, and rise above the struggles, but well, that's just how things are, I got used to it : )

Sometimes the idea of the struggle can become an identity in itself. We can get so wrapped up and invested in who we "are" that we can't see the possibility of being anyone else. I don't know if that applies for you, of course. Only you can answer that question. If so, a fresh perspective can sometimes be obtained by changing behavior (doing new things) or circumstance (upending the shape of your life in radical ways). Essentially obliterating your comfort zone - which can sometimes include your "suffering", strangely enough. Whatever your road to a better experience, be patient and good luck. This too shall pass.

 

[Grand Theft Scratchy]

You're never alone. God is always there and He loves you.

 

[EverydayBeast]

Even if you went to the gym, and hit dmt after I would still buy yourself something exciting like a PS5 or invest in stocks.

 

[Punished Miku]

Even if you went to the gym, and hit dmt after I would still buy yourself something exciting like a PS5 or invest in stocks.

That's some solid advice. Pretty much covers all the bases. Maybe also swing by the animal shelter and pet a bunch of dogs and cats. Then pick up an ice cream cone on the way home.

Should patch them right up.

 

[Tams]

And when do things stop to challenge and let someone just 'be'? I'm tired of constantly having to improve, learn, and rise above the struggles, but well, that's just how things are, I got used to it : )

Well I'm not really feeling envy from that kind of superficial stories. I feel jealous and angry from success stories, from people moving forward and accomplishing things, because I fought with all my strength, and I'm now at the starting point : ( But anyways I get the point, make comparisons = disaster. Is hard to avoid tho...

Working on it : )

Yeah this is me. But I think the source of this is the fear of rejection. As long as I can make someone feel a bit better, the less 'in danger' I am.
But following your advice, I should look for new ways to find new people. I tried to do it by some sites I know but that never works and I end up giving up.

In reality, putting others before me is a thing of the past, I think I've fixed that, nevertheless, the fact that after caring so much for others I ended up like I'm now kinda infuriates me.
Also, like I've said, aside this loneliness I usually feel, I have this hobbie dilema I have to sort out. I wanna make a game, write a book, compose music for bands, improve my guitar and piano skills, being good at the games I like...
you know. There aint time for learning everything.
I'm totally incapable of focusing on just one or two things. It's beyond me and it makes me hate me. Well, not really, but you understand : DDD

I hope someday I get proper ADHD medication.

See above.

I totally agree with this. I had some friends did that too and they are happy as ever now.

I dont wanna look like a little whiney kid who complains about everything, but the 'I dont know what I really would like to do' is my life motto.
If i could solve that I think everything would be much easier, but I have so much garbage thougths on my head that I cant see through.

Some therapist have some hard work to do lmao

And as always, thank you all a lot for the support, I feel a lot better reading your responses. Love you < 3

I split activities into ten-minute chunks as goals. So, when starting out on something new/something I've neglected over the years, I aim to do ten minutes (and no more). If I'm very into it, I'll continue until I need to get ready for something else. If I'm struggling, then I finish the ten minutes and move on to something else. If I find myself often passing ten minutes, then I'll increase the target time by ten minutes.

Of course, there's all sorts of stuff to get done in a day, so I do schedule activities in, with ones that can't be moved taking priority. And I give myself either 30 minutes or an hour for an activity. It's just the ones I struggle to do that require the ten-minute technique.

For hour long activities that I know I will complete, sometimes I use the pomodoro technique, with a five-minute break after 25 minutes and then I finish five minutes before the hour is up to take a break/get ready for the next thing. I only do that for things that are physically or mentally taxing though (studying, cleaning, etc.). Some more creative things actually suffer from taking a break.


Oh, and as others have said, workout. Every day, without fail. I do it in the morning to get it out of the way, wake me up, and improve my mood for the day. It can just be a walk (not every time though!), but, of course, can be something much more intense like HIIT. I do it even if I have an activity that is exercise later in the day, I just go easy on those days. Sometimes I use Ring Fit on my Switch if the mood strikes me (seriously, that thing can push you!)

 

[Mohonky]

OP - why do you think it is that you lose friends or feel outside of groups?

(Serious question for self reflection)