• Hey, guest user. Hope you're enjoying NeoGAF! Have you considered registering for an account? Come join us and add your take to the daily discourse.

I feel lost GAF, and I need some advice.

Fools idol

Banned
I have wanted to post this thread for some time but I hesitated because I know how it may come off as woe-is-me when I know so many people are in far worse situations than me and it's not even funny to say first world problems. But at this point, I'm grasping straws with not much hope of feeling better.

I don't want to divulge too many personal informations, and english isn't my first language so please bare with me. I will TLDR as much as possible and at the end if you just wanna skip.

I grew up in a very tough situation - parents broke up young, bad finances, often with little or no food, severe alcoholism, eventually I was homeless for a little while at 19 until my grandfather discovered my situation and let me stay with him to get back on my feet.

It left me with a lot of anxiety and mental health problems which for the most part I overcame, and used as a sort of 'power' to drive myself to start my own business. Fast forward I now have a family of my own, which is fantastic, and we are completely financially independent as I sold off my businesses. The problem I have now is, I spent the last 15 years of my life working 12+ hour days on my business, and now I have next to nothing to fill that void.

The next issue is that I did not have time for socialising along the way, lost and burned many friend bridges, and the friends I did have through it all have now distanced into their own lives, and some even resent my financial situation because they are still working and struggling. I offered to help a friend pay off his mortgage so he can look after his kids and he stopped talking to me because he thinks I was just charity casing and trying to belittle him. Obviously this is not the case, but I understand. I think that I am a good person, have always tried to help others, and have always donated to charity and things like that through my career.. I find it very hard to trust people, which I think comes from being homeless for a time you realise that even those closest to you can betray your trust at any time, it's real hard to make new friends for me.

Right now I spend most of my days taking my kid to school and then tidying the house over and over, playing some videogames, and driving my cars down the same old roads. It's becoming to the point where I am losing track of the day of the week. I have plenty of money to do things, but no desire to do anything, if that makes sense. And to add, the anxiety of shit like the pandemic and climate change there is a lingering existential dread feeling that I am wasting my life and that my daughter deserves better - she is old enough now to see that dad is not happy and it's effecting her a lot. It's almost like the 'drive' I had for so long has just completely fizzled out and I don't know how to invigorate it again, despite many therapists trying to help me 'find my cause' and all that cliche stuffs. I did some research online and this is more common than I thought, amongst people who become financially independent and then end up killing themselves. I do not feel suicidal at the moment but I have in the past and I worry to think of my kid should those feelings come back. I need to fix this, and the medical system so far has not helped me very much. The drugs make things better temporarily, but I feel like I am just waiting until they stop working too. I stopped going to my therapist becuase I could feel she was just thinking 'what the fuck is this rich assholes problem'...

GAF, what do you suggest ? How do I recharge my drive to do something with my life again and be motivated?

TLDR -- I got comfortable in my life, perhaps too comfortable, and lost all my friends because of it, and spend most of my days alone and depressed. Cant seem to find enjoyment in shit. Meds are not helping despite trying a few different ones, feel too guilty about my situation to seek further (already heavily strained medical system) help.
 
Last edited:

nush

Member
Right now I spend most of my days taking my kid to school and then tidying the house over and over, playing some videogames, and driving my cars down the same old roads. It's becoming to the point where I am losing track of the day of the week. I have plenty of money to do things, but no desire to do anything, if that makes sense. And to add, the anxiety of shit like the pandemic and climate change there is a lingering existential dread feeling that I am wasting my life and that my daughter deserves better - she is old enough now to see that dad is not happy and it's effecting her a lot.

That's not a shit life, hit the fucking gym as you've obviously got the free time to do it.
 

Rentahamster

Rodent Whores
The problem I have now is, I spent the last 15 years of my life working 12+ hour days on my business, and now I have next to nothing to fill that void.
Start a new business, since you are obviously good at it, and it keeps you driven. Since you already have enough money, instead of profit, emphasize making people's lives better as your value added goal.

Domestic life is not your cup of tea. Go out there and make your community better for your daughter's future. Your lost friends are a tragedy, but it's never too late to mend bridges, even severely burnt ones. Just show them that your priorities have changed as well as your outlook on life. Attempts at reconciliation might not always work, but it's worth a try.

Even if none of your old friends take you back, make new ones. You should know how important networking is to growing a business. You must be decent at it, at least.
 

Star-Lord

Member
There’s people in this world who would kill to be in your situation. You have a wife and children, you’re financially secure, you have a ton of free time to indulge in your hobbies - I’m failing to see what the problem is. If what to do with your free time is the issue, do as others have suggested and do what you don eat, running a business. Or start a YouTube channel focusing on one of your hobbies.
 

AgatonSax

Member
Sounds like classic midlife crisis stuff which for high achievers can come on pretty early.

I’m in my mid 40’s and the things I relied upon for entertainment just don’t have the same appeal; I can’t get excited or lost in them like I used to.

I wouldn’t throw myself back into work; I’d take the time to assess the situation. It sounds like you have family obligations so make the most of them first and foremost.

Try and find a grand project for the future outside your previous experience. Try to find ways to benefit the community outside your immediate circle.

Alternatively get a dog; you’ll have people falling over themselves to chat with you and an excuse to get fresh air twice a day.
 
Last edited:

AV

We ain't outta here in ten minutes, we won't need no rocket to fly through space
You need a constructive / creative hobby. Learn an instrument, learn to paint, start writing, bodybuilding, something like that. Video games are great, but they're not a constructive outlet.

Also, get a dog. Walking it should cut an hour out of your free time every day and you get a free best friend.

This is all advice I don't take myself because I work 8 hours a day, consider yourself lucky.
 

Punished Miku

Human Rights Subscription Service
  • Run for mayor
  • Hit the gym
  • Design a superhero costume and prowl the streets at night, beating up criminals
  • Walmart greeter
  • Start FFXIV
  • Travel
  • Start training your children in combat sports
A lot of people lose friends as they get older. I think you're taking all the blame on yourself for something that happens to most people.

It sounds like you thrive when faced with adversity, and you're too comfortable. You need to join a Fight Club basically to get your fire back.
 

StreetsofBeige

Gold Member
Depending on your scheduling and how covid has impacted your city's activities, stay active and meet people in adult league sports after dinner. Not hardcore shit, but those for fun leagues (co-ed too).

I'm a lazy fuck so I dont do it, but I know many people who have met friends through it, which as weird as it seems have become good friends of mine too since they joined our group of friends.
 
Last edited:

StreetsofBeige

Gold Member
A lot of people lose friends as they get older. I think you're taking all the blame on yourself for something that happens to most people.

It sounds like you thrive when faced with adversity, and you're too comfortable. You need to join a Fight Club basically to get your fire back.
Yup.

And that's natural. People have lives to live with kids, so trying to hang out with the gang is tough. Even for my super close friends it might take a month or two to find a night they are free to grab a bite on a weekend at a pub. Some are free wheeling and can meet anytime, but some are locked down committed to family and can meet only when they can.

And some friends have become more like FB distance friends as some moved to another city or country. Some people I knew well in university moved and I havent seen them in person in 25 years. Its now relegated to occasional FB messages.
 
Last edited:

AJUMP23

Parody of actual AJUMP23
Meet people and travel. Meet people by joining service organizations, or your local church and work to build meaningful relationships.
 
I've always thought that if I had some spare disposable cash, I'd become the secret money phantom. I'd scour local newspapers for stories such as kids needing hospital treatment etc and in the dead of night, drop an envelope through their door for the money they need. Try meetup.com - pick something that interests you and there's probably a group to meet. Crowfund NeoGaf - The Motion Picture.
 
Last edited:

Fools idol

Banned
I've always thought that if I had some spare disposable cash, I'd become the secret money phantom. I'd scour local newspapers for stories such as kids needing hospital treatment etc and in the dead of night, drop an envelope through their door for the money they need.

I've done this quite a lot, with varied results. I gave a homless dude a rucksack with a few grand in the bottom, as well as a ton of winter supplies and food that would last him a good amount of time. Speaking as a previously homeless dude mind, you have to be careful handing out cash, cause it makes you very vulnerable on the streets, even to friends who are also homeless. I was robbed at knife point for far less. Also some people like myself wouldnt always use the cash for things we needed, but were addicted to.

homelesness is a problem dear to me for obvious reasons, I already have some plans in place to support local shelters and build affordable housing in my town, but its a slow process. Since its managed by others though it only goes so far to take up my time, as much as I do regulary get involved on the day to day. it's hard for me mentally to be too involved as I have PTSD from situations in the past but I try my best regardless.
 
Last edited:

Punished Miku

Human Rights Subscription Service
Also some people like myself wouldnt always use the cash for things we needed, but were addicted to.
So you also probably have limited dopamine supply in general due to your past life. If it is chemical and not all psychological, then literally the best thing you can do for baseline maintenance is hit the gym. More effective than most anti-depressants. That has to be a commitment while you work out what else you want to do.
 

Fools idol

Banned
So you also probably have limited dopamine supply in general due to your past life. If it is chemical and not all psychological, then literally the best thing you can do for baseline maintenance is hit the gym. More effective than most anti-depressants. That has to be a commitment while you work out what else you want to do.
that's a great point and not something I had thought about before to be honest.

I have been clean for many years but I should probably look in to that more.
 

StreetsofBeige

Gold Member
I've always thought that if I had some spare disposable cash, I'd become the secret money phantom. I'd scour local newspapers for stories such as kids needing hospital treatment etc and in the dead of night, drop an envelope through their door for the money they need. Try meetup.com - pick something that interests you and there's probably a group to meet. Crowfund NeoGaf - The Motion Picture.
I've done this quite a lot, with varied results. I gave a homless dude a rucksack with a few grand in the bottom, as well as a ton of winter supplies and food that would last him a good amount of time. Speaking as a previously homeless dude mind, you have to be careful handing out cash, cause it makes you very vulnerable on the streets, even to friends who are also homeless. I was robbed at knife point for far less. Also some people like myself wouldnt always use the cash for things we needed, but were addicted to.

homelesness is a problem dear to me for obvious reasons, I already have some plans in place to support local shelters and build affordable housing in my town, but its a slow process. Since its managed by others though it only goes so far to take up my time, as much as I do regulary get involved on the day to day. it's hard for me mentally to be too involved as I have PTSD from situations in the past but I try my best regardless.
I'm in career and investment money mode, so I'm not donating anything. But down the line when it comes retirement age where I can sit back with a paid off house and a slew of money, I'd open up and be more giving. Maybe do some volunteer work or consulting for small businesses for free or some shit. There's so many tips I can give small businesses learned working at big corporations. Maybe dump off $1000 here or there at an charity.

But to be totally honest, I'm in money hoarding mode right now with stocks, investment properties and such.
 
Last edited:

poppabk

Cheeks Spread for Digital Only Future
Definitely see if you can find a better therapist.
It does sound like you need a project of some sort - maybe a business, maybe something else.
Don't listen to the people who tell you that you don't have the 'right' to feel like you do and to just be 'happy' with what you have. The reality is you are depressed in your current situation and so you have to make a change.
 

*Nightwing

Banned
Something I see a lot in most everyone as we grow old.

Spend so much time grinding life as an adult when you get stable you realize you stopped doing things for yourself we all set aside in our youth to do adult responsible things that are necessary for personal development and happiness.

Think back to your youth and the things that connected you to life and interested you, and try and pick up where you left off and regain interest in them. And if those no longer interest you keep searching for what it is that brings you at least a bit of joy.

We all set aside our mental well being and that journey in discovering ourselves in our youth turning to adulthood to ensure we first have the basic survival necessities and succeed in the adult world without realizing that journey of self discovery is incomplete, leaving us hopelessly empty when we finally achieve security and well being for ourselves and families and we end up facing mid life crisis as a result.
 

Tazzu

Member
Not to take anything away from you but you seem to be living the ideal life. I understand you are bored but given what you have, you can absolutely do anything you want right now. Make the most of it!
 

EviLore

Expansive Ellipses
Staff Member
Being successful has very little to do with whether you are leading a happy, fulfilling life. Stop putting yourself down for trying to address your problems.

You've identified a lot of it. Find a new primary goal, whether it's starting a new business, going back to school, climbing Everest, as long as it's challenging and worthwhile.

Your routine is not ideal. Get daily workouts in. That is the foundation for everything in life.

Secondary goals are important too. Learning an instrument, e.g. guitar or piano, is a lifelong pursuit that will grow in value with the time you dedicate to it.

Taking up a sport will help to solve your friends issue and give you another avenue to pursue growth and mastery. It's difficult not to make a bunch of friends in something like Brazilian Jiu Jitsu.
 

Patrick S.

Banned
I envy you, man. I work in IT here in Germany, and barely make it to the end of the month even though I work my ass off, and I don't have any hobbies besides gaming, for which I spend maybe 10-30 Euro per month. The rest is bills. I managed to get a copy of Battlefield 2042 for my kid, which was his main wish, but I can't afford the Apple Earpods he would really really love to have for his way back from school. It's so fucking frustrating, man. If I was in your position, I guess I'd be spending all I could on my kid.

If you lack the drive to "do things" and feel you are just doing your daily routine because you have nothing else to do, maybe you can try and pick up an instrument, paint, get into 3D modelling, write music, take photographs... I love "doing creative stuff", but I can often barely focus on it because I always have fears and financial troubles in the back of my head. I bought a cheap electric guitar some time ago because I lreally love the idea of playing it well, but I don't really do anything besides strumming a bit on it and playing simple melodies with a single finger, haha. I always feel like I'm too dumb and clumsy to really learn to play, and so the instrument is constantly left untouched for days until I pick it up again for ten minutes :/

I wouldn't focus too much on making friends. "Friend"s come and go, many will just try and get stuff out of you, and the day they'll ask you to lend them some money will come along, and then they'll act like you're an asshole when you kindly ask them to repay the money. Been there when I was doing better financially, and it always hurt to lose people who you thought were real friends who turned out were just using you because they wouldn't pay back the five hundred bucks you lent them.

I enjoy being at work because I really appreciate most of my colleagues quite a lot. We drink a few beers after work on Fridays, and last Friday one of them made a BBQ for a few selected colleagues , which was totally awesome. But outside of that, I don't really socialize at all, and yeah, my life is boring. The pasttime I spend the most time with is watching Youtube. I always used to be around people back when I was living in Spain, but somehow it feels super hard to really connect to people here.
 

EviLore

Expansive Ellipses
Staff Member
I bought a cheap electric guitar some time ago because I lreally love the idea of playing it well, but I don't really do anything besides strumming a bit on it and playing simple melodies with a single finger, haha. I always feel like I'm too dumb and clumsy to really learn to play, and so the instrument is constantly left untouched for days until I pick it up again for ten minutes :/


It's free. Follow the program starting at Grade 1 and practice regularly and you'll make a ton of progress.
 

jason10mm

Gold Member
Charity work and philanthropy are the usual outlets for folks that are financially comfortable but underemployed. You can scale it as you want and directly help people.
 

Tams

Member
As others have said, start another business.

Have it be something you are interested in (though not necessarily a hobby as they can lead to you resenting your hobby). It doesn't have to be very profitable, although it shouldn't be losing money. Also that way it shouldn't grow into a monster, so you'll still have free time and if it needs to be shut down, that will be easier to do.

And of course look into some new hobbies. But they don't always scratch that itch.
 
Last edited:

StreetsofBeige

Gold Member
Drums are the way.
Looking back. I should had done drums. Even if I suck at it, at least I can bash a beat and be close enough. You cant do that with a guitar goofing around.

I just didnt want to do it in my basement as I have my main entertainment set up of tv, games etc.... in my living room. My basement is used solely for storage even though it's finished and ready to go anything..
 
Last edited:
I've done this quite a lot, with varied results. I gave a homless dude a rucksack with a few grand in the bottom, as well as a ton of winter supplies and food that would last him a good amount of time. Speaking as a previously homeless dude mind, you have to be careful handing out cash, cause it makes you very vulnerable on the streets, even to friends who are also homeless. I was robbed at knife point for far less. Also some people like myself wouldnt always use the cash for things we needed, but were addicted to.

homelesness is a problem dear to me for obvious reasons, I already have some plans in place to support local shelters and build affordable housing in my town, but its a slow process. Since its managed by others though it only goes so far to take up my time, as much as I do regulary get involved on the day to day. it's hard for me mentally to be too involved as I have PTSD from situations in the past but I try my best regardless.

Good man, it's always good to give back. Why not write a book on your experiences or turn it into a screenplay?
 

chromhound

Member
Hit the gym, make new friends, vacation somewhere? Work in some type of charities. Try new activities

*****build a new business but part time
 
Last edited:

Catphish

Member
One more vote for charity work. If you are as well-off as you say, you might find joy in sharing what you have to bring smiles to others.

Edit: sorry, I see you’ve done that. I didn’t read the whole thread.
 
Last edited:

Star-Lord

Member
I've done this quite a lot, with varied results. I gave a homless dude a rucksack with a few grand in the bottom, as well as a ton of winter supplies and food that would last him a good amount of time. Speaking as a previously homeless dude mind, you have to be careful handing out cash, cause it makes you very vulnerable on the streets, even to friends who are also homeless. I was robbed at knife point for far less. Also some people like myself wouldnt always use the cash for things we needed, but were addicted to.

homelesness is a problem dear to me for obvious reasons, I already have some plans in place to support local shelters and build affordable housing in my town, but its a slow process. Since its managed by others though it only goes so far to take up my time, as much as I do regulary get involved on the day to day. it's hard for me mentally to be too involved as I have PTSD from situations in the past but I try my best regardless.
See, as selfish as this may sound, this is why I won’t give cold hard cash to homeless people, because I know full well they’ll go to the nearest Bargain Booze and spend it on cheap vodka. Instead, I go to the nearest Greggs or McDonalds and buy them a hot meal and a hot drink. At least then I know they’ve ate and had something hot to warm them up.
 

6502

Member
Solve the mystery of the pyramids!

It will be a few fun holidays and interesting books to read (maybe one day write).

Bonus points if you can get a segment on tv... even ancient aliens.
 
Last edited:

bitbydeath

Member
Gyms are good but it can be a lonely activity too, I’d suggest something more like Taekwondo where you get too spar with others 1:1.
Running is great as well, but it will take a while to build up your endurance, the dopamine hit is ultimate payoff.

Not sure you’d want the commitment of your own business as others had suggested but you could consider investing in other local businesses, or finding ways to help the homeless as you can relate.
 

STARSBarry

Gold Member
Do you have a hobby?

If so why don't you just open a new business based around that instead?

Humans are not really programmed to just live a life of perfect contentment, they need something, a goal to drive them. It's why so many who "won the game" end up just killing themselves, because without something forcing us towards some weird fleeting path we just go crazy.

Some might suggest opening or working for a charity, skills like your with running your own business will really help out, but here's the kicker you should want to do that naturally not out of some moral obligation, some people are literal saints, others arnt, some of us just have to be a little bit selfish.
 
Last edited:

MachRc

Member
I really thought your post was going to end in,
" I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8 and I yelled to the cabbie 'Yo home smell ya later'
I looked at my kingdom.I was finally there,
to sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel-Air.."

I too get aniety and feel trapped in my own body when I am home so long doing the same thing.
Maybe you and I are the type of person who find "living/being alive" by summitting mount Everest or K2.
Hiking up a local mountain around here takes about 2-3 hours to get to the top.
Its difficult , strenuous, it hurts, but maybe thats what you need because once you come down, you feel great, you dont feel like you've been stuck at home all day,
now you can come home like youve accomplished something, its a mental trip for sure. Having that start and end. It doesnt feel aimless at all.
now after that strenuous work, you can feel relaxed to take time off to watch something new on the tv,
perhaps a series or a book you never got a chance to read, and then go get your kids, and make them something good to eat.
all without feeling aniexty. I wish i can go to the top everyday like I wish I was a drug dealer and didnt have to so this 8-5 because you'll find me up there.

do you also think it's possible that meds are making you think the way you are thinking?
This anxiety is one of the reasons I cant stand being home. I have to get out.
During the lockdowns, yes I too felt the way you did, driving the same places, finding new roads. Going on random drives far far away aimlessly to kill only time, I am sure it was depression.
I got rollerblades, and a bike and it helped , but because it was local to me, i kept pushing it further out and i ended up enjoying outdoor activities that take my sense of time away like strenuous hiking does.
Maybe plan out a calendar and some days you can visit the wife and drop off smoothies for her co workers, buy her lunch,
buy a 120 gallon tank and a 60 gallon tank, get into aquariums breeding fish, get on a twilight boat for some fishing
and maybe you can spend some time on your grass just watering it with an open hose like I do
Just quietly using your thumb to create waves all over and have some peace like youre painting a canvas.
 
You lifted yourself out of poverty and a f*cked up childhood, you managed to raise a family and open a successful business.
Why don't you apply that exact same mindset to finding a hobby and organizing your free time?
 

Lord Panda

The Sea is Always Right
Consider doing volunteer work, or maybe joining some social clubs.

I still work, but i also give some of my free time to the State Emergency Service, and the Rural Fire Service. Learned some crucial life skills and have met some incredible folks.
 

Rentahamster

Rodent Whores
You lifted yourself out of poverty and a f*cked up childhood, you managed to raise a family and open a successful business.
Why don't you apply that exact same mindset to finding a hobby and organizing your free time?
The mindset and strategies for survival and profitability don't always overlap with the mindset and strategies needed for finding true personal happiness and mental positivity. Sometimes, they can even conflict with each other.
 
The mindset and strategies for survival and profitability don't always overlap with the mindset and strategies needed for finding true personal happiness and mental positivity. Sometimes, they can even conflict with each other.
True that, but he is clearly a very determined, disciplined and principled guy. He just needs to find a way to apply these skills to his private time.
For work-oriented people it can be helpful to regard mental hygiene as a project that also requires work :)
 

Rentahamster

Rodent Whores
True that, but he is clearly a very determined, disciplined and principled guy. He just needs to find a way to apply these skills to his private time.
For work-oriented people it can be helpful to regard mental hygiene as a project that also requires work :)
Yes, that's right, he does need to find a way to apply these skills to his private life, but I've observed that for some people that fire to sustain that drive only really kicks in when survival (physical or financial) is on the line. Once those needs are met or excelled, that fire dies out and is hard to rekindle.

Luxury sometimes isn't as good a motivator as hunger. It's hard for people who were stuck in survival mode for so long to transition to luxury mode.
 
Last edited:

I_D

Member
This sounds like a really good opportunity to get involved with your kids, or the community in general.
Take your kids on vacation(s). Go learn an instrument with them. Go coach some little league games.

Taking on a new hobby is probably the best way to meet people. Something separated like golf probably won't do the trick. Something more up-close like martial arts, or dance, or art, or basically anything where people are together in a room, would be a better choice.
 
Top Bottom