VAL0R
Banned
Not many of us like confrontation, myself included. But sometimes we have to be bold and have a little courage and confront someone who wrongs us (with firmness, wisdom, and kindness). If we only gossip and complain we will grow more unhappy and find ourselves fostering unjust unforgiveness and uncharitable attitudes and feelings unbecoming of a good neighbor that most of us would like to be. First of all, the offender may be ignorant of the degree to which they have done wrong and/or offended us. So we may literally have to educate them as to how and why we are offended. Openly and honestly discussing the injury allows an exchange of viewpoints, explanation, apology, closure, reconciliation, and peace.
My wife and I had to confront two different neighbors recently regarding their offensive behavior and I am so glad that we did.
Situation 1) My wife and I are devout Roman Catholics with a large family. We are also political conservatives who support Trump. My next-door neighbor "Lisa" hates Trump. That's OK, we still love her. More and more we started to notice that she was openly criticizing Trump in front of our kids, but not in front of us. I love to discuss politics and I would welcome any discussion she would like to have with my wife and I about the matter, but don't try to proselytize my small children to your politics behind my back. That's inappropriate. Well, my wife ordered some small Trump flags online. When we got them in the mail, my little guy (6) thought they looked neat and stuck them in the handlebars of his Spider-Man bike along with a US flag. As he was riding around, Lisa saw him and told him that Trump was a bad man. He came home and told us. This is when I knew we might have a problem that would need addressing. Then more recently my daughter (barely a teen) was over at Lisa's house playing with her nieces. Lisa again said that Trump was bad, asked her to defend the good that he has done and worst of all said that my wife posts "terrible things" on Facebook, including something to do with blood being poured on a Democrat, I believe. Well, my wife never posts anything gory, so we have no idea what the blood is a reference to. But the fact that Lisa was accusing my wife of doing evil (posting "terrible things") was a bridge too far. My wife called me at work. We agreed that she should confront the problem head-on. My wife walked over to Lisa's porch and kindly told her that she did not appreciate that my daughter was falsely told her mother posts bad things and that if Lisa had any politics she wanted to discuss with my family going forward, it was to be with my wife and I and not our children. Lisa agreed that she wouldn't do it anymore and that she didn't intend for it to go so far. Boom, problem solved, and still good neighbors.
Situation 2) My neighbor "Joe" is filling his pool. My other neighbor "Sue" had construction work done, including tearing up a concrete foundation. Joe told Sue she could fill his pool with the concrete construction debris. Unfortunately for me, hundreds of pounds of broken concrete, dirt, and stones were dumped in a lightly wooded area on my property, which borders Joe's. I have to admit that when I first saw this I was really hot. I didn't understand why someone would dump all of this crap on my property. I knocked on Joe's door and asked him about the property line and if he knew what the rocks were about (I assumed he didn't). He told me that they were meant for his pool and that he would take care of them. Months go by and the pile is still there. I don't blame Joe that much because he is older and this is heavy stuff and he probably had no clue Sue was going to have this pile dumped on my property instead of his. I tell Joe I will work on it. I've never met or even seen Sue (her property roadside is on another street, our back yards only touch at the corners and I have over an acre of land). On one of my days off, I have my three oldest boys go out with me to work on it. Then I notice rotten vegetables on and around the rocks. Now someone is tossing veggies over the fence and I'm hot again. Now I know I have to confront Sue. I have to establish that I have been wronged and that she will respect my property boundary going forward. No more rocks, veggies, or anything else comes over the fence. I spend a good chunk of time throwing concrete into a wheelbarrow and hauling it slightly uphill about 25 yards into Joe's pool. I pick up the veggies and put them in the trash.
We finally get the pile down, rake the area flat, and leave a neat stack of about 20 big pieces. I decide (at the time) Sue will get those. Three of them are 100+ lbs. each and we were tired and I wasn't about to have one of my boys get a hernia moving this stuff at this point. I send my oldest to ride his bike down the street and knock on her front door and tell her that his dad is in the back wanting to talk to her. Nobody answers. A day or so later I walk back to the area. I see her dogs out. They start barking at me through the fence. I hope this will get her attention and it does. When I see her, I call her over. I introduce myself. I ask her about the pile of concrete on my property. She explains it was for Joe's pool. I said that was fine but this was my land and not Joe's and I gave no such dumping permission. I tell her that my boys and I have already removed hundreds of pounds of rock and she will have to take care of the rest with the bucket loader or whatever it was her crew used to dump them there in the first place. I ask her about the vegetables. She openly admits to throwing them over too, with some embarrassment.
She asks if she can wait for the weekend to get the remaining pile of stones. I told her no rush, but if they are still there by the end of October, we will have to talk again. I told her I appreciated her honesty in admitting she threw the vegetables over and that she seemed to be taking my concerns seriously. I said that my main concern is not the remaining rocks, but that there be no more dumping violating my property lines in the future. I said I wanted to remain good neighbors and be friends. I said that because she was so receptive I would probably work on the rocks even more for her. The next day I have off, I go out with my oldest son and discover almost all of the remaining rocks are now gone. Sue talked to Joe, who worked on it more. My oldest and I carefully put each of the remaining 3 giant rocks into the wheelbarrow and take one trip at a time to Joe's pool. Joe was very appreciative. He gave my boys $50.00 in gift cards for pizza for all of their efforts. Joe is happy, I'm happy and Sue now understands that she must respect our property line and that while I felt wronged, I worked to resolve the issue and wanted to be a good neighbor to her, and all was forgiven. Problem solved.
My wife and I had to confront two different neighbors recently regarding their offensive behavior and I am so glad that we did.
Situation 1) My wife and I are devout Roman Catholics with a large family. We are also political conservatives who support Trump. My next-door neighbor "Lisa" hates Trump. That's OK, we still love her. More and more we started to notice that she was openly criticizing Trump in front of our kids, but not in front of us. I love to discuss politics and I would welcome any discussion she would like to have with my wife and I about the matter, but don't try to proselytize my small children to your politics behind my back. That's inappropriate. Well, my wife ordered some small Trump flags online. When we got them in the mail, my little guy (6) thought they looked neat and stuck them in the handlebars of his Spider-Man bike along with a US flag. As he was riding around, Lisa saw him and told him that Trump was a bad man. He came home and told us. This is when I knew we might have a problem that would need addressing. Then more recently my daughter (barely a teen) was over at Lisa's house playing with her nieces. Lisa again said that Trump was bad, asked her to defend the good that he has done and worst of all said that my wife posts "terrible things" on Facebook, including something to do with blood being poured on a Democrat, I believe. Well, my wife never posts anything gory, so we have no idea what the blood is a reference to. But the fact that Lisa was accusing my wife of doing evil (posting "terrible things") was a bridge too far. My wife called me at work. We agreed that she should confront the problem head-on. My wife walked over to Lisa's porch and kindly told her that she did not appreciate that my daughter was falsely told her mother posts bad things and that if Lisa had any politics she wanted to discuss with my family going forward, it was to be with my wife and I and not our children. Lisa agreed that she wouldn't do it anymore and that she didn't intend for it to go so far. Boom, problem solved, and still good neighbors.
Situation 2) My neighbor "Joe" is filling his pool. My other neighbor "Sue" had construction work done, including tearing up a concrete foundation. Joe told Sue she could fill his pool with the concrete construction debris. Unfortunately for me, hundreds of pounds of broken concrete, dirt, and stones were dumped in a lightly wooded area on my property, which borders Joe's. I have to admit that when I first saw this I was really hot. I didn't understand why someone would dump all of this crap on my property. I knocked on Joe's door and asked him about the property line and if he knew what the rocks were about (I assumed he didn't). He told me that they were meant for his pool and that he would take care of them. Months go by and the pile is still there. I don't blame Joe that much because he is older and this is heavy stuff and he probably had no clue Sue was going to have this pile dumped on my property instead of his. I tell Joe I will work on it. I've never met or even seen Sue (her property roadside is on another street, our back yards only touch at the corners and I have over an acre of land). On one of my days off, I have my three oldest boys go out with me to work on it. Then I notice rotten vegetables on and around the rocks. Now someone is tossing veggies over the fence and I'm hot again. Now I know I have to confront Sue. I have to establish that I have been wronged and that she will respect my property boundary going forward. No more rocks, veggies, or anything else comes over the fence. I spend a good chunk of time throwing concrete into a wheelbarrow and hauling it slightly uphill about 25 yards into Joe's pool. I pick up the veggies and put them in the trash.
We finally get the pile down, rake the area flat, and leave a neat stack of about 20 big pieces. I decide (at the time) Sue will get those. Three of them are 100+ lbs. each and we were tired and I wasn't about to have one of my boys get a hernia moving this stuff at this point. I send my oldest to ride his bike down the street and knock on her front door and tell her that his dad is in the back wanting to talk to her. Nobody answers. A day or so later I walk back to the area. I see her dogs out. They start barking at me through the fence. I hope this will get her attention and it does. When I see her, I call her over. I introduce myself. I ask her about the pile of concrete on my property. She explains it was for Joe's pool. I said that was fine but this was my land and not Joe's and I gave no such dumping permission. I tell her that my boys and I have already removed hundreds of pounds of rock and she will have to take care of the rest with the bucket loader or whatever it was her crew used to dump them there in the first place. I ask her about the vegetables. She openly admits to throwing them over too, with some embarrassment.
She asks if she can wait for the weekend to get the remaining pile of stones. I told her no rush, but if they are still there by the end of October, we will have to talk again. I told her I appreciated her honesty in admitting she threw the vegetables over and that she seemed to be taking my concerns seriously. I said that my main concern is not the remaining rocks, but that there be no more dumping violating my property lines in the future. I said I wanted to remain good neighbors and be friends. I said that because she was so receptive I would probably work on the rocks even more for her. The next day I have off, I go out with my oldest son and discover almost all of the remaining rocks are now gone. Sue talked to Joe, who worked on it more. My oldest and I carefully put each of the remaining 3 giant rocks into the wheelbarrow and take one trip at a time to Joe's pool. Joe was very appreciative. He gave my boys $50.00 in gift cards for pizza for all of their efforts. Joe is happy, I'm happy and Sue now understands that she must respect our property line and that while I felt wronged, I worked to resolve the issue and wanted to be a good neighbor to her, and all was forgiven. Problem solved.
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