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I'm Jewish

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NLB2

Banned
I just found out I'm a quarter Jewish. And to all of those who are gonna say "You can't be a quarter Jewish, Judaism is a religion" - shut the fuck up.

This came as quite a suprise. I was reading my uncle's autobiography and he mentioned my grandfather was Jewish. I had know idea. Do I need to get my foreskin cut?
 

Blackace

if you see me in a fight with a bear, don't help me fool, help the bear!
NLB2 said:
Do I need to get my foreskin cut?


yes! And a real Jew would do it himself!


Sammy%20Davis.jpg
 

All Hail C-Webb

Hailing from the Chill-Web
You're Grandfater has no effect on whether you are Jewish or not.
You can call yourself "quarter Jewish" all that you want, but you're really not a Jew.

I'm sorry
 

NLB2

Banned
fallout said:
I'm sorry to hear that.
:lol :lol :lol
Me said:
And to all of those who are gonna say "You can't be a quarter Jewish, Judaism is a religion" - shut the fuck up.
All Hail C-Webb said:
You're Grandfater has no effect on whether you are Jewish or not.
You can call yourself "quarter Jewish" all that you want, but you're really not a Jew.

I'm sorry
Do I need to say it again? :p

Blackace: I'll get right on that. BRB.
 

etiolate

Banned
No jew for you!

So I've been wondering, why is being jewish funny? If I'm wathcing some standup comic or some late night talk show, someone always tends to break in with a "Yah I'm a jew" and then the audience laughs. What's the joke?
 

Ristamar

Member
NLB2 said:
Do I need to say it again? :p

Actually, I don't believe his comment had much to do with religion.... sort of. Traditionally, your "Jewish status" is based on maternal lineage (though this ties into the history of the religion, IIRC, which confuses things even further).
 

Blackace

if you see me in a fight with a bear, don't help me fool, help the bear!
time to pick up some of these (after you cut your foreskin)

draydel.jpg



and for "da' Bling"

Draydel-4359-sm.jpg
 

Willco

Hollywood Square
Unless your mom is Jewish, you ain't Jewish. You have Jewish ancestors.

Man, we can't just have people saying their Jewish because their cousin's brother is. That's how we keep our benefits so good, by keeping our numbers low.
 

Joe

Member
you wanna be jewish just so you can tell the jokes dont you?

did you here the one about the rabbi and the farmers daughter? huh?
THOSE ARENT MAHTZAH BALLS!

who knows what you'll be up to next...RE-GIFTING?!?!?!
 

Willco

Hollywood Square
ApopkaATM said:
What if your Dad's jewish? What does that make you?

Absolutely nothing.

... Or the son of a Jew. But that sounds too much like a 50s monster movie.

SON OF THE JEW!

Starring Jamie Kennedy.
 

Azala

Member
Willco said:
Unless your mom is Jewish, you ain't Jewish. You have Jewish ancestors.

Willco is correct. It is the lineage of the mother that determines Jew status. Even a converted to Judaism mother is not enough to satisfy the strict lineage requirements. Circumcision is a ritual that is a convenant between your father and god, and gains you nothing, him a lot. Besides in the Jewish religion a family gets an exemption from circumcision if two of the ancestors have died from the procedure (putting it very succintly). In other words, considering sanitary conditions of the ages, it's safe to bet every single jew has the exemption. And if they didn't, there's a large body of evidence that views the circumcision requirement as drawing a drop of blood by cutting the foreskin not removing it, as is done today.

If you're lucky enough to still have your foreskin, protect it like gold.
 

Willco

Hollywood Square
ApopkaATM said:
I guess im nothing :(

I'm going to go cry for a couple of hours

Just because your mother is not Jewish, and you're not born a Jew, doesn't mean you can't convert to Judaism.

My father is Jewish and so is his entire side of the family. He really wanted me to be raised as Jewish from the start, so when he and mother were married, he had her convert (she wanted to as well) before I was born. It is apparently lengthy and grueling and not fun, which is why people don't convert as often as Christianity, which has like Drive-Thru converts where you can embrace Jesus and get a free beverage. I think that is a much better deal.

Azala said:
Willco is correct. It is the lineage of the mother that determines Jew status. Even a converted to Judaism mother is not enough to satisfy the strict lineage requirements.

Well, the Hasdic Jews won't let that fly for sure, because they wouldn't even consider me Jewish. But most mainstream and reformed Jewish sects will embrace someone born from a Jewish convert as Jewish.

It's not much bother to me anyway as, seriously, I've been in church more times than I've been in a synogogue. Damn my crazy religous upbringing.
 

lo escondido

Apartheid is, in fact, not institutional racism
I have no idea if I want to be Jewish or Christian all I know is I believe in one God, isn't there a word for that?
 

Willco

Hollywood Square
ApopkaATM said:
I have no idea if I want to be Jewish or Christian all I know is I believe in one God, isn't there a word for that?

You're in the same boat as I. As I already said, I was born from two Jewish parents, but they split up. My mom is on her third marriage, saddled with myself and another child from her second marriage, and my father has a child from his second marriage. The new influx of half-sibilings and stepparents has made my families so mix in terms of Judaism and Christianity, which is why I was never raised in one way or another.

I feel more strongly about the more rational view of religion that's dominant in Jewish circles, but I like the prospect of faith and community that can be found in Christianity. And I subscribe to none of the "Better Than Thou" religious commentary that can be found in both. I believe there's a higher being and that's about it.

So I think the word you're looking for is, "Fucking awesome."

Foriegn Jackass said:
Can't I actually decide to be a Jew?

You can convert, but it is a lengthy process that requires studying and tests and crap. My mom went through it and said it was one of the most grueling things she had to endure, but she was never one for academics.
 

lo escondido

Apartheid is, in fact, not institutional racism
Willco said:
So I think the word you're looking for is, "Fucking awesome."
Yea :lol :lol :lol

But seriously is there a word for a belief in one god but not knowing which religon you are
 

Lyte Edge

All I got for the Vernal Equinox was this stupid tag
As much as you don't want to hear it, sorry, you aren't Jewish. Someone in your family WAS Jewish, but you are not.
 

Lyte Edge

All I got for the Vernal Equinox was this stupid tag
ApopkaATM said:
If your Christian are you supposed to be circumcised?

I have no idea, but isn't circumcision more widely done now because it's actually healthier for your wang? Something about being able to keep it cleaner?
 

Azala

Member
Lyte Edge said:
I have no idea, but isn't circumcision more widely done now because it's actually healthier for your wang? Something about being able to keep it cleaner?

According to the Bible the answer is no. Jesus did that for everyone as well.

According to science the answer is no. That it is cleaner is a MYTH, and the practice actually started in the US to curb masturbation. The AAP no longer reccomends circumcision and studies have found it to be healthier uncut, as well as more sexually pleasurable. Circumcision has a lot of risks, including meatal stenosis, hairy or curved penis, painful erections, erectile dysfunction, keriitinization (leading to impotency over the years as the skin becomes desensitized) adhesions and so forth not to mention the more serious extreme loss of blood, shock, and death. It's not reccomended any more. They don't even do it in most civilized countries these day and Medicare will not pay for it because it is now deemed entirely cosmetic/religious. Even the look like daddy claim has no pschological backing, and infant studies show circumcised males are more sensitized to pain as children, and cry more, and also suffer a version of post traumatic stress from the procedure. I did a research paper on it in college that totally changed my view on the subject.

P.S. The rates are dropping btw, it's closer to 50/50 nowadays in the US, and very few getting done in Canada or the UK, and personally I did not have my son's done.
 

Ill Saint

Member
Lyte Edge said:
I have no idea, but isn't circumcision more widely done now because it's actually healthier for your wang? Something about being able to keep it cleaner?
It's rubbish. Pure propaganda.
 

lo escondido

Apartheid is, in fact, not institutional racism
Azala said:
According to the Bible the answer is no. Jesus did that for everyone as well.

According to science the answer is no. That it is cleaner is a MYTH, and the practice actually started in the US to curb masturbation. The AAP no longer reccomends circumcision and studies have found it to be healthier uncut, as well as more sexually pleasurable. Circumcision has a lot of risks, including meatal stenosis, hairy or curved penis, painful erections, erectile dysfunction, keriitinization (leading to impotency over the years as the skin becomes desensitized) adhesions and so forth not to mention the more serious extreme loss of blood, shock, and death. It's not reccomended any more. They don't even do it in most civilized countries these day and Medicare will not pay for it because it is now deemed entirely cosmetic/religious.
How the hell can cutting a piece of skin do all that?

Also in the old testament its says to cut your foreskin, I just wanted to know if christians follow that, it is in the bible
 

Willco

Hollywood Square
ApopkaATM said:
How the hell can cutting a piece of skin do all that?

Also in the old testament its says to cut your foreskin, I just wanted to know if christians follow that, it is in the bible

If we listened to everything the Old Testament says, we should also have tons of wives and incest. Go crazy ancient shit!
 

lo escondido

Apartheid is, in fact, not institutional racism
Willco said:
If we listened to everything the Old Testament says, we should also have tons of wives and incest. Go crazy ancient shit!
The funny thing is the bible forbids that to, its so full of hypocritical stuff I don't know what to belive
 

Azala

Member
How can cutting skin do all that. Ok here goes. The amount of skin removed is one third to one half the total skin on the penis, and also contains more nerve endings than any other place on the penis, a great majority of this in the frenulum (which they used to remove completely, but now leave a portion behind, you know that ultra sensitive spot you guys love during oral sex? Imagine enjoying more of that). You lose more than half of the sensitivity potential -nerve endings, in removing it.. It's impossible to know at birth how much of that skin will be used as the penis grows in puberty. The male penis reaches it max length in the late teens early twenties. If they remove too much it can cause erectile problems, the skin can be so tight the penis curves when erect or has pubic hair on the shaft. The foreskin is also adhered to the glands at birth to prevent infections. It naturally separates as the child ages and completes around puberty, when the penile growth spurt starts. When circumcised this skin is forcibly ripped from the sensitive and very fragile glands underneath. This skin now has no protection and can suffer keritinization, which is a hardening and toughening of the inner skin which now has to function in a protective manner and not in the sensitive manner it was intended. Nerve endings die off. The skin dries up when it was biologically created to remain moist. Such moisture (smegma in hygienic amounts) contains human immunoglobin E (or is it A I can never remember), which is an antibody found generally only in breastmilk, and kills infection. Smegma (again in hygienic amounts) is the males version of discharge, and serves to keep the penis clean. This moisture also serves to help keep the female partner lubricated, and enhance male pleasure. The rubbing of the glands against the foreskin is a large part of the male orgasmic response. Coincidentally it also changes the stroke technique used in males to something more friendly to both sexes.

Because there is so much blood flow in the penis, even the infant penis, and the amount of skin is so great, the loss of blood can be high. Some babies can go into shock and die from either the pain, or the blood loss. It's only been in the last 20 or so years that they finally caught on that infants can feel pain and thus offer pain relief for the procedure. Unfortunately, it's never going to be complete, nor does it handle the recovery pain as acidic urine and feces and clothing rubs against a sensitive gland that is now exposed when it was meant to be protected.

Circumcision these days has as such gone to a more looser cut to reduce side effects, which ironically gives the look of half circumcised without the natural protections but with many more complications instead of fewer. The result is some foreskin remaining, the idea of which is to help prevent the erection problems of yesteryears. The downside is that the foreskin attempts to do what it was meant to do at this age and re-adhere to the glands, causing adhesions, which most doctors ignorantly treat by separating, ripping over and over again and building up scar tissue which further damages the skin and it's sensitivity.

Did you know the average uncut penis is half an inch larger than the circumcised? Possibly because it was allowed to grow to it's potential. Some studies are showing the male sexual problems of the mature crowd may be related to the aging effects of the damages caused by circumcision, which is why getting cut in your twenties will not give you an accurate portrayal of both sides. You need to tack on 20 years of the skin toughening up for it to even start to compare.

Now that even disregards the ethics of permanently altering another persons sexual organs without their permission, without complete pain control (they are too young for general anesthesia), and without regard to future sexual health.

Christians follow the New Testament, and in that case Jesus not only died for your sins, he was circumcised as well. I don't have the quote for you, but yes it's clear as day. And even in the old testament many theologians interpret it as 'cutting' not removing as is current common practice.
 

NLB2

Banned
OK, I can definitely varify that sex with foreskin > sex without foreskin. And circumcision isn't as bad as salt on a cold sore.
Do The Mario said:
You are not a jew just stupid.
Do I really need to teach you how to troll? You're really bad at it.
 

NLB2

Banned
Cubsfan23 said:
Congrats, now you can get presents on Christmas and Hanukauh
OMG GREATEST COMPLIMENT EVER!

Rather than having sex with numerous attractive women, you're congratulating me on my new found Judaism. I appreciate that a lot, buddy! Go Louisville!
 

RiZ III

Member
Damn Azala, are you like a penis scholar :lol

But yea, for the longest time I thought circumcision was required within my religion because its the orthodox view, but looking into it, turns out theres no mention of it. Ooops. Going from a religous view, why would God ask us to mutilate ourselves when he has created us perfectly like he wanted?
 
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