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[MaximumFlipFlop]

I really didn't want to post this on the internet, but NeoGAF has some diversity from what I have seen. My college baseball buds definitely aren't the right people to talk to either, so I guess I'll just start it here.

Quick Health Info.
20 years old, will be 21 here in 1 month. Athletic, eat healthy, hit gym 5 days a week.
Mental health - never been somewhere to be diagnosed, but my mother is a manic depressive and bipolar, we have a great relationship and I love her to death.

Just wanted to supply these in case my personal health was in question.

The downward spiral...
This is a mere backstory to what has really affected me.

My life is becoming something I don't understand. Mentally and physically, things just don't feel right. I was a college baseball player, but unfortunately, I got injured. My freshman year (Fall 2010) I was going to pitch for one of the top D1 Jucos in the country, but I failed. I lost my control and my velocity. I mentally broke myself down every time I went out and failed on the field. It killed me inside to see all my potential fading. So that fall, I was cut from the team. Instead of quitting though, I decided to just keep on trekking. I got an offer to play in North Dakota (don't ask where), so I decided to do it.

I transferred at semester and headed up there. The talent in the league was far inferior to what I had just seen at my previous school. Even then, I continued to fail. Late in the season, I developed tendonitis, so I had to stop pitching for the season. So finally the season and school end, so I head back to home to Cali. While I am there, I make the decision to take a year off of baseball and school. I just wanted to mentally reset and reinvigorate my love for the game. I rehabbed and worked my ass off every day. I had something to prove, and I didn't want my Freshman year to be my final sendoff as a baseball player.

So I work my ass off from summer 2011 to summer 2012. In June of this year, I am merely 1 month away from heading back to North Dakota to play again. I just couldn't wait. I know in my heart the hard work was going to pay off, but unfortunately, life threw me a curveball. Merely 2 weeks ahead of my departure time, I tear my rotator cuff. I am devastated. I get the MRI, and the list of things wrong with my shoulder brought me to tears. I can't afford surgery, I can't put myself into that kind of debt. I burn through all my saving for the school year with my doctor visits, MRIs, and other shit I had to do before I left. This resulted in me having to take out student loans just so I could attend school. The financial pressure I have on me is unbearable. And since this all happened so close to the beginning of the school year, I really didn't have the option to change all my plans.

The doctor visits don't go as planned. They say I can try physical therapy, but it probably won't be successful. I have no alternative, I can in no way get surgery. I am basically told I won't be pitching again then, and I saw another doctor to get a different opinion and he said the same thing. I am just left devasted, I am still devasted. I worked so hard my whole life to play baseball, it's what I wanted so bad, and it is just taken away from me in a moment. Not many people can understand what that feels like I think.

Now, the current affair.

So months have passed since the injury, and my shoulder is still messed up. I feel like all this shit I have had to deal with over the past months has led to my current condition. This is where I need you guys to help me figure it out.

I am becoming more and more anti social each day. Every day feels like I am putting on an act. The times when I come across my friends (they're not really my friends, more like acquaintances) I am acting. I'll laugh at stuff I don't find funny, I'll join in conversations just to look like I care. I really hate that I would much rather just sit in a corner in seclusion than eat with others. I feel distanced.

Some mornings I just wake up and don't feel the same. This feeling is becoming more and more frequent as well. I wanna do nothing more than just go to class, eat, and sleep. I feel so tired all the damn time. Some days I 'nap' 3 or more hours on top of class, eating, and exercising. I find so much peace in just laying in bed with headphones in away from people. I'll hate things I really love, and resent people I really like. Sometimes these feelings last for upwards of a week. Then suddenly, I am back to normal.

My anti-social behavior goes so against the grain of who I once was. I used to want to just go out with my friends. I used to love going to parties sober because I could be social without having to drink. I recently turned to alcohol pretty heavily on the weekends. I feel it's the only way for me to get out and be social, and it kills me because I know the alcohol just allows the hallow shell of the person I used to be be filled with my with a falsification of who I really am. The drinking took a turn for the worst 2 weeks ago when I was at a house party, was dealing with stupid shit, and ended up punching a hole though a kids door. I thought the situation was over but the the dad of the house threatened to sue me unless I paid $350 for the door to be replaced. I have stopped drinking since that night. This resulted in me being unable to go home for Thanksgiving now. So now I have to wait another month just to see my family again.

Now I just lock myself in my room on the weekend. I feel at peace alone, and it kills me. The person I was once before is no more. I never contemplate suicide or anything like that, I just feel all the shit I have dealt with these past months, combined with possible mental issues is tearing me apart. I don't know what's wrong with me, and the thoughts of the possibility frighten me.

I am leaving North Dakota at semester, so I only have 1 month left here. The environment here and the people just don't align right with me. Hopefully being in back in Cali, seeing family, and moving to San Diego will allow me to take the steps back to normality again.

 

[Ryaaan14]

:_(

It'll get better dude.

 

[Row]

Clearly you're depressed, I mean you seemed to be getting close to your dream and then the rug was pulled out from under you, it's understandable that you'd feel like this.

Hopefully time is all you need to recover.

 

[h1nch]

Really sorry to hear about your injury and how you're unable to play now. I'm sure thats a big part of why you're unhappy.

Are there any other hobbies or things you enjoy doing? Maybe find something you can do to take your mind off of all the things stressing you out. Normally I'd suggest excercise but it sounds like you have that area taken care of.

 

[Az987]

You're depressed. Try to stay positive, and don't drink so much. I could tell you the story of my shitty 20s and it might make you feel better but I'll just say it'll get better.

Does your school offer any counselling services? Maybe look into that.

 

[MaximumFlipFlop]

Really sorry to hear about your injury and how you're unable to play now. I'm sure thats a big part of why you're unhappy.

Are there any other hobbies or things you enjoy doing? Maybe find something you can do to take your mind off of all the things stressing you out. Normally I'd suggest excercise but it sounds like you have that area taken care of.

I would say video games, but I feel like I am getting more and more bored by them... I used to be able to pour hours in at a time, now I find myself getting bored in 15 minutes.

 

[Movement]

I really didn't want to post this on the internet, but NeoGAF has some diversity from what I have seen. My college baseball buds definitly aren't the right people to talk to either, so I guess I'll just start it here.

Quick Health Info.
20 years old, will be 21 here in 1 month. Athletic, eat healthy, hit gym 5 days a week.
Mental health - never been somewhere to be diagnosed, but my mother is a manic depressive and bipolar, we have a great relationship and I love her to death.

Just wanted to supply these in case my personal health was in question.

The downward spiral...
This is a mere backstory to what has really affected me.

My life is becoming something I don't understand. Mentally and physically, things just don't feel right. I was a college baseball player, but unfortunately, I got injured. My freshman year (Fall 2010) I was going to pitch for one of the top D1 Jucos in the country, but I failed. I lost my control and my velocity. I mentally broke myself down every time I went out and failed on the field. It killed me inside to see all my potential fading. So that fall, I was cut from the team. Instead of quitting though, I decided to just keep on trekking. I got an offer to play in North Dakota (don't ask where), so I decided to do it.

I transferred at semester and headed up there. The talent in the league was far inferior to what I had just seen at my previous school. Even then, I continued to fail. Late in the season, I developed tendonitis, so I had to stop pitching for the season. So finally the season and school end, so I head back to home to Cali. While I am there, I make the decision to take a year off of baseball and school. I just wanted to mentally reset and reinvigorate my love for the game. I rehabbed and worked my ass off every day. I had something to prove, and I didn't want my Freshman year to be my final sendoff as a baseball player.

So I work my ass off from summer 2011 to summer 2012. In June of this year, I am merely 1 month away from heading back to North Dakota to play again. I just couldn't wait. I know in my heart the hard work was going to pay off, but unfortunately, life threw me a curveball. Merely 2 weeks ahead of my departure time, I tear my rotator cuff. I am devastated. I get the MRI, and the list of things wrong with my shoulder brought me to tears. I can't afford surgery, I can't put myself into that kind of debt. I burn through all my saving for the school year with my doctor visits, MRIs, and other shit I had to do before I left. This resulted in me having to take out student loans just so I could attend school. The financial pressure I have on me is unbearable. And since this all happened so close to the beginning of the school year, I really didn't have the option to change all my plans.

The doctor visits don't go as planned. They say I can try physical therapy, but it probably won't be successful. I have no alternative, I can in no way get surgery. I am basically told I won't be pitching again then, and I saw another doctor to get a different opinion and he said the same thing. I am just left devasted, I am still devasted. I worked so hard my whole life to play baseball, it's what I wanted so bad, and it is just taken away from me in a moment. Not many people can understand what that feels like I think.

Now, the current affair.

So months have passed since the injury, and my shoulder is still messed up. I feel like all this shit I have had to deal with over the past months has led to my current condition. This is where I need you guys to help me figure it out.

I am becoming more and more anti social each day. Every day feels like I am putting on an act. The times when I come across my friends (they're not really my friends, more like acquaintances) I am acting. I'll laugh at stuff I don't find funny, I'll join in conversations just to look like I care. I really hate that I would much rather just sit in a corner in seclusion than eat with others. I feel distanced.

Some mornings I just wake up and don't feel the same. This feeling is becoming more and more frequent as well. I wanna do nothing more than just go to class, eat, and sleep. I feel so tired all the damn time. Some days I 'nap' 3 or more hours on top of class, eating, and exercising. I find so much peace in just laying in bed with headphones in away from people. I'll hate things I really love, and resent people I really like. Sometimes these feelings last for upwards of a week. Then suddenly, I am back to normal.

My anti-social behavior goes so against the grain of who I once was. I used to want to just go out with my friends. I used to love going to parties sober because I could be social without having to drink. I recently turned to alcohol pretty heavily on the weekends. I feel it's the only way for me to get out and be social, and it kills me because I know the alcohol just allows the hallow shell of the person I used to be be filled with my with a falsification of who I really am. The drinking took a turn for the worst 2 weeks ago when I was at a house party, was dealing with stupid shit, and ended up punching a hole though a kids door. I thought the situation was over but the the dad of the house threatened to sue me unless I paid $350 for the door to be replaced. I have stopped drinking since that night. This resulted in me being unable to go home for Thanksgiving now. So now I have to wait another month just to see my family again.

Now I just lock myself in my room on the weekend. I feel at peace alone, and it kills me. The person I was once before is no more. I never contemplate suicide or anything like that, I just feel all the shit I have dealt with these past months, combined with possible mental issues is tearing me apart. I don't know what's wrong with me, and the thoughts of the possibility frighten me.

I am leaving North Dakota at semester, so I only have 1 month left here. The environment here and the people just don't align right with me. Hopefully being in back in Cali, seeing family, and moving to San Diego will allow me to take the steps back to normality again.

These are classic symptoms of depression. Sounds like things should get better once you move back to California. Just hold on for another couple months, I'm sure things will get better for you.

 

[Korey]

Now I just lock myself in my room on the weekend. I feel at peace alone, and it kills me. The person I was once before is no more. I never contemplate suicide or anything like that, I just feel all the shit I have dealt with these past months, combined with possible mental issues is tearing me apart. I don't know what's wrong with me, and the thoughts of the possibility frighten me.

I am leaving North Dakota at semester, so I only have 1 month left here. The environment here and the people just don't align right with me. Hopefully being in back in Cali, seeing family, and moving to San Diego will allow me to take the steps back to normality again.

Maybe baseball and partying all the time isn't the real you? Maybe you actually prefer to be alone. Baseball didn't work out, but that's life. It's unfair. But that's only one thing you have to cross out...there's a ton of other things you can do instead. You're not done discovering who you are yet, why do you keep comparing yourself to "who you were" and letting the differences depress you?

You said you were at peace alone, so I feel like you're only stressed out because you keep holding yourself to some arbitrary standard of what you could've been. Just take some time out for yourself, chill out, and regroup.

 

[Ace Harding]

Damn man. I am really sorry.

Yep, you are depressed. That's a shitty word, really. It has a lot of connotations. But that's what you are feeling right now - you basically described all of the classic symptoms.

Go talk to someone. It's not cheap, but its completely worth it. Ask about options for meds like SSRI's, ones that aren't addictive and are either going to help or do nothing (I.e. not Xanax or anything).

Try to break the cycle. Next time you are down and just want to stay home, force yourself to go do something. Feeling tired and want to bum on the couch? Get up and run. Stay as active as possible. Don't start eating poorly. Don't drink too much. It's so easy to fall into bad habits, and easy to lose control. If you catch it early (and it sounds like you did with the alcohol) you can save yourself a lot of trouble.

Is there anything else you like to do besides baseball? I know that was a huge loss for you. Don't try to replace it necessarily, but what else could you focus some of that energy on? Writing? Art? Business?

If not baseball, what do you want to accomplish?

 

[FroJay]

I would honestly look into vitamins and supplements, you could be deficient in vitamins and minerals which can cause the lack of energy. My energy levels are almost never low and I'm in my mid 30's. I run into so many people that have energy issues, but I'm almost never running on empty and I don't drink coffee or soda.

A lack of energy can tie into the other issues you're having.

 

[Pastry]

What is your major? Have you considered switching to sports management or something along those lines? You clearly love baseball and an injury doesn't have to keep you from the game whether it be coaching or management. Do you still have a passion for the sport? Sorry to hear about your injury.

 

[MaximumFlipFlop]

I would honestly look into vitamins and supplements, you could be deficient in vitamins and minerals which can cause the lack of energy. My energy levels are almost never low and I'm in my mid 30's. I run into so many people that have energy issues, but I'm almost never running on empty and I don't drink coffee or soda.

A lack of energy can tie into the other issues you're having.

I supplement with Vitamin B, C, D, Omegas, One A Day Multiple, Trace Minerals, BCAAs, light dose of lithium and some other things. I have really counted dietary deficiencies out at this point.

 

[Baggatoast]

Find something productive that makes you happy.
Try learning an instrument or writing poetry or prose. An outlet for your emotion can help you cope with your situation and gain a more objective understanding of yourself.

 

[A.E Suggs]

You're depressed. Try to stay positive, and don't drink so much. I could tell you the story of my shitty 20s and it might make you feel better but I'll just say it'll get better.

Does your school offer any counselling services? Maybe look into that.

Actually don't drink at all, he'll just have to face reality again anyway. From what I read drinking isn't going to help him.

 

[MaximumFlipFlop]

Actually don't drink at all, he'll just have to face reality again anyway. From what I read drinking isn't going to help him.

I have stopped. Haven't had a drink in 2 weeks.

 

[kirblar]

You probably need to take some time to find yourself again. You were invested in baseball for so long, you identified as it. Now its gone. You'll need to find something else.

Gordon Ramsay got into cooking after getting injured and having his soccer dreams blow up. (Not suggesting that as a career path, btw.) You'll need time to get over the injury. Everything ends. But something else begins.

 

[h1nch]

I would say video games, but I feel like I am getting more and more bored by them... I used to be able to pour hours in at a time, now I find myself getting bored in 15 minutes.

Same. I can't seem to ever finish games, and the last game I bought (Forza Horizon) has been played exactly once, for about an hour.

Honestly I've been feeling somewhat similar to you, though nowhere near as intense. More like general malaise, and a lack of desire to be social as often as most other people do.

I think a lot of it has to do with my recent trip to Europe. I had the best time and met a ton of awesome people along the way. I was happy and ready to come home after 3.5 weeks, but as soon as I got back I noticed just how quickly I fell back into the same boring, adventure-less everyday patterns. When I was traveling I seemingly had unlimited energy despite not really eating enough, drinking often, and not sleeping more than 3 hrs a night. I get home and I find myself spending entire weekends being a couch bum. I'm usually pretty decent at keeping up with everyday chores around the house but recently I've been slacking terribly. I occasionally hang out with friends but thats like...once a week maybe.

I'm not unhappy, but more stuck in a rut. I've been contemplating a move to a new city. I think a change of scenery and the excitement of an unfamiliar place will help me get my mojo back. I normally excercise regularly but I've been extremely lazy in that department too.

 

[echoshifting]

Not to toot my own horn - in fact I wish it WASN'T true - but I think I can understand what you are going through better than many/most. Coming to terms with a chronic injury is one of the hardest things you will ever have to do. I know...I've done it, too. I'm eight years into my "new life," and while it does get easier in many ways, in others it never does.

Your friends just cannot possibly understand the level of loss you are dealing with. They cannot understand how bad the financial crap is when the medical bills start stacking up. They cannot understand how frustrating it is to move from doctor to doctor and see one apathetic shrug after the other. They cannot understand the sense of helplessness. And there's no sense in trying to express it; it will just make you feel more alienated than before.

This, I suspect, is the root cause of your inability to socialize as you once did. I went through the same thing for the first few years of my disability. There were a couple there in which gaf was basically the only social contact I actually enjoyed (I shunned my own wife for a brief, dark period). People here didn't know what was going on with me until I wanted them to, and that was a great source of comfort.

The fact is, you are grieving the loss of the life you were expecting. There is no way to get back to it. In many facets of your life, you must begin anew.

You should seek counseling of some sort. Find something free if you can't afford it. My psychologist is the one person in my life who I feel 100% gets it. He helped me find my way down the path you are setting out on, and it is a rocky one, believe me. It took me seven years to find acceptance. I hope it gives you some small measure of comfort to hear that things won't always feel this way. I have started to enjoy being around family and friends again over the past year or two a lot more. I know they don't get it...they just can't. But I'm not bitter about it anymore. Yes, I still mourn some of the things I will never be able to do again. Scuba diving. Snowboarding. Backpacking. Having a day free of pain. But this is the way things are, and I think I'm okay with that, now.

Anyway. If this is ringing any bells, do not hesitate to PM me and vent your frustrations. I'll always listen.

 

[K.Sabot]

Know that feeling OP, my energy has been so low lately that I've ended up sleeping two times a day in the past couple months. Wake up -> go to classes -> sleep -> go to work -> do homework -> sleep.

I've tried multiple times to stay up an extra day so I can fix it, but even when I'm so exhausted from staying up, I still only sleep 3-4 hours and I come out of it even worse than before.

A truly vicious cycle.

 

[Fracas]

It will get better. You're still really young, with an entire life ahead of you.

 

[FroJay]

I supplement with Vitamin B, C, D, Omegas, Trace Minerals, BCAAs, light dose of lithium and some other things. I have really counted dietary deficiencies out at this point.

Anti oxidants as well, but glad you're using supplements. I sent you a link to the mix I take each morning, pricey but well worth it.

 

[wickedcapedkid]

Sorry to hear about your injury, but your feelings seem perfectly natural. Your dreams have been crushed, so you feel sad and you want to be alone. I see nothing wrong here. I would probably feel the same way you do. You take as much time as you need to. However, you are still young with a long future ahead of you, still with more choices to make. Sorry to be completely cliche but, it WILL get better.

 

[MaximumFlipFlop]

It will get better. You're still really young, with an entire life ahead of you.

Sorry to hear about your injury, but your feelings seem perfectly natural. Your dreams have been crushed, so you feel sad and you want to be alone. I see nothing wrong here. I would probably feel the same way you do. You take as much time as you need to. However, you are still young with a long future ahead of you, still with more choices to make. Sorry to be completely cliche but, it WILL get better.

I know it might only be temporary, but it still makes getting up every day so hard. I just wanted to overcome this part of life so bad right now.

 

[Fracas]

I know it might only be temporary, but it still makes getting up every day so hard. I just wanted to overcome this part of life so bad right now.

You will overcome it. I was incredibly depressed for a good while a few years back, I know the feeling. It just takes willpower and most importantly time. A lot of people go through something like this in their lives, it will pass.

You've already got 2 things going for you: You're healthy, and you aren't suicidal.

 

[ClassyPenguin]

Go seek professional help. Those are all classic signs of depression. Don't be afraid of taking meds such as SSRI's. There are a lot of misconceptions about depression and antidepressants.

 

[Concept17]

Getting out of North Dakota should help considerably. Place is super depressing. It really just sounds like you need a new passion to pursue in life, which can take time.

I'm depressed due to living in MT. Doing everything I can to get out of here.

 

[wondermega]

yeah, that is pretty depressing. You seem pretty smart/thoughtful for your age, and probably that doesn't help since you realize so clearly that the trajectory that you were on is forever altered. That's a pretty tough pill to swallow, even if you were kind of a dummy.

At the same time, you must also acknowledge that you are very young, and you really have your whole life ahead of you. Yeah, it might not wind up exactly as you had planned, but that's not to say you can't still find happiness, fulfillment (even enlightenment). It makes sense that you'll have to go through a dark period like this and "get over it" and find whatever else calls you. So long as you keep putting yourself out there, powered (however differently) by that same energy you had before, the odds are favorable that you will wind up in a good situation is what it sounds like. Ironically - and of course there is no way to measure it - you might turn on to something that becomes happier, more fulfilling for you then what you were doing before. Just give it time, live your life. No reason to throw in the towel so early.

As for depression, it's a bitch, no two ways about it. Your mind is reeling from this change, and probably taking it out on your character a bit. I'm sure many who read these boards can relate, I spend every morning trying to find some reason to keep dragging myself out of bed as my own life is not necessarily going exactly as planned either But you do what you gotta. Take solace in your friends, even the not-as-close ones, it's good to get out and be around other people (less time spent on message boards is likely healthier...)

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders, I am not worried about you.

 

[Videoneon]

You are a pretty resilient guy.

My personal suggestion, seeing as many others here have covered great ground, is to try out different things, or find new interests. Who knows? Maybe you actually have an artistic side and like to paint or do ceramics. Perhaps you're into photography. You mention being spending a lot of time listening to music - I can only guess how the frequency of you doing so is a reflection of your unhappiness, but maybe you'd like to DJ or compose playlists, even discover new music. Do you have pets?

 

[MaximumFlipFlop]

You are a pretty resilient guy.

My personal suggestion, seeing as many others here have covered great ground, is to try out different things, or find new interests. Who knows? Maybe you actually have an artistic side and like to paint or do ceramics. Perhaps you're into photography. You mention being spending a lot of time listening to music - I can only guess how the frequency of you doing so is a reflection of your unhappiness, but maybe you'd like to DJ or compose playlists, even discover new music. Do you have pets?

I do enjoy doing photoshop even though I am not too artistic. I've done some pieces for HaloGAF in my downtime. And I do have 1 dog, but she's at home and 13 years old...

 

[jb1234]

I worked so hard my whole life to play baseball, it's what I wanted so bad, and it is just taken away from me in a moment. Not many people can understand what that feels like I think.

I can. I was living my dream until health issues forced me to retire. It's devastating and people tell you there's more to life and to move on but they don't get it. It's like your heart, your identity, your very being has been ripped out, stomped on and then set on fire. So yeah, I feel you.

But it's not over. There's other dreams. And at least for me, I just found other ways of getting in touch with who I was. I was a pianist so my main hobby has become studying music. Once a musician, always a musician. You may not be able to play baseball but are there other ways of staying in that world?

 

[Videoneon]

I do enjoy doing photoshop even though I am not too artistic. I've done some pieces for HaloGAF in my downtime. And I do have 1 dog, but she's at home and 13 years old...

Oh, you don't have to be "artistic" with a capital A; if you enjoy doing it then that's what matters. Go back to photochopping some stuff for HaloGAF, or just photoshopping anything else you want. A long time ago I used to make avatar and signature pictures but I haven't touched photoshop in so long I've forgotten most anything I knew.

I actually can relate to you with on pets! My oldest cat is 14 years old. He certainly feels older, the poor thing, and I'm prepared for the reality that sometime soon I may have to let him go.

At least when you do get back home, you will be able to see your dog. And as difficult as it is, try to let some people in, little by little. Especially those who matter most to you. I was never actually depressed, but I used to be...a very unhappy person and I began to stonewall friends and strangers emotionally. It never helped. You need your alone time to figure out who you are and just to sort of nurse your own emotional wounds, but don't forget about friends, family, and GAF. DepressionGAF may be quite helpful to you; they seem to be pretty busy recently!

One more thing--this is a huge, life changing issue, so it's not likely that everything's going to change quickly and you'll all of a sudden have a new mission and spontaneously turn into the Master of Ceremonies and be uber social and happy. It'll take time. But you've made it through the worst of it, and so I hope that you hang in there.

 

[Gumbie]

OP, get your testosterone levels checked. I'm in my mid 20's and have been where you are. Low energy, tired all the time, no motivation to do anything, and anti social. I thought it was depression but on a friend's advice I got my test checked. Turns out it was bottom of the barrel low. I've been on testosterone replacement therapy for a couple of months and feel like a new person.

 

[User 100115]

I am really sorry you are having problems man. If you ever need to talk, feel free to pm me. It's incredibly difficult to get though these black moods, I understand. Keep fighting.

 

[MaximumFlipFlop]

I can. I was living my dream until health issues forced me to retire. It's devastating and people tell you there's more to life and to move on but they don't get it. It's like your heart, your identity, your very being has been ripped out, stomped on and then set on fire. So yeah, I feel you.

But it's not over. There's other dreams. And at least for me, I just found other ways of getting in touch with who I was. I was a pianist so my main hobby has become studying music. Once a musician, always a musician. You may not be able to play baseball but are there other ways of staying in that world?

It's just, I played baseball since I was 5 years old. As a senior in HS, I was throwing low 90s. Just so much potential, such an amazing future should have come from it. I know I shouldn't think about it but its so hard not to...

 

[LuuKyK]

Are you me? I feel we kinda went through a lot of similar things.

I used to play tennis almost everyday, but them I had my knees all destroyed, literally, every muscle and bone there was fucked up somehow. There was no escape, I had to go through surgery. And than my life became really boring and sad. I needed help to do everything, and my parents are out all day, so I basically was alone sleeping or playing some video games at home. I went a month like that, I still can't believe I was able to get past that. Those were the worst days of my life. It was so lonely and depressing knowing you would never be able to play like you did. And that wasn't really the biggest problem, as the sport was very important to me because it left me healthy and it was really what I looked forward to every day, even more when I was going through some bad moments in life and shit... Well, after that I have to say I lost the will to do things like before. I got fatter than ever, lost a lot of opportunities in life (new jobs, travels, parties, etc) and I really felt like I was different somehow... sad. I don't really know. But after like, what, 5 months or something, when I was finally able to walk normally and go back to school... I felt stronger looking back, idk, I learned a lot from all the time I spent alone suffering and regretting and blaming life. I just kept telling myself that if I were able to go through all that considering the situation, anything else that destiny eventually puts in my way, I will easily deal with it. I'm still not able to play tennis or do anything that forces my knees to much, but I'm almost there (I hope lol).

Maybe its not that important, but I felt like sharing since I noticed the similarities. Maybe it will give you some hope in the end. Just keep on going. I would recommend keeping your friends, the ones I truly had as persons that cared about me were decisive in this long process, and friendship is something I learned to really treasure.

The best to you man.

 

[jb1234]

It's just, I played baseball since I was 5 years old. As a senior in HS, I was throwing low 90s. Just so much potential, such an amazing future should have come from it. I know I shouldn't think about it but its so hard not to...

I know, man. I know. It's like any type of grief. It gets better with time but never truly goes away. I haven't found a way out of the dark place yet myself but it's there somewhere. And if this place has taught me anything, it's that you're not alone.

 

[MaximumFlipFlop]

I know, man. I know. It's like any type of grief. It gets better with time but never truly goes away. I haven't found a way out of the dark place yet myself but it's there somewhere. And if this place has taught me anything, it's that you're not alone.

That is a positive. It's nice when others who have gone or are going through the same thing can offer advice. I really appreciate everyone who's chimed in