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[human5892]

I don't like absolutes like this. I can be a fan of Tool and STILL believe Maynard has found Jesus. Jesus and Maynard both rock.

The issue of Jesus rocking isn't what's being contended here. It's Maynard finding Jesus, which is about as likely to come true as me emerging at the other end of your broadband connection to offer you punch and pie.

It's a joke, people. Honestly.

 

[etiolate]

Traditionally, the Church of Christ doesn't use instruments.

I've been to a few who do. Though I have been to one that doesn't.

 

[karasu]

lol I understand that it's probably a joke. But people much worse than fucking Maynard have found Jesus.

 

[fallout]

Actually, Maynard speaks quite highly of Jesus, as well as other religious prophets. He just hates their agents.

 

[Eminem]

and if people still think this might be true, tool's own site even indirectly shot it down:

TOOLTABS
Please note that the folks at Tooltabs.net are not in any way affilated with the band, are not members of the band in disguise, so please don't send them email regarding Toolband.com or Toolarmy.com issues (such as TA account info). Besides, I think these guys will have their hands full with the new stuff when it's released.

 

[FightyF]

Jesus converted Saul to Paul, anything is possible.

According to who? (serious question)

Didn't you know that Paul's conversion was just one big April Fool's joke? (non-serious question)

 

[LinesInTheSand]

As hard as it is to believe, I guess anything's possible. If I was Maynard and I somehow found Jesus I'd probably have to leave Tool if only for the reason that he's practically a Godlike figure to his fans, a believer in his position would probably start feeling like a bit of a false idol...

I just pray to God this is a joke... fuck I'm tired of waiting for a new Tool album

 

[geogaddi]

I haven't said anything about Jesus I'm just saying Maynard can NEVER be taken seriously.

______ never tells the truth, he always lies, and is a Knave.

______ always tells the truth, he is a truth-teller, and is a Knight.

tt_deeb says "I am lying and I am a Knight" and Maynard says "tt_deebs is lying and I am telling the truth".

Is tt_deeb a Knave or Knight? What is Maynard?

j/k, but I do agree with your statement.

 

[Diablos]

This thread should be closed... Maynard has not found Jesus. End of story.

 

[Eminem]

Your avatar intrigues me, Diablos. Instead of a bubble the Popémon could drive around in a pokéball instead of a bubble on the poké-mobile.

 

[Diablos]

Your avatar intrigues me, Diablos. Instead of a bubble the Popémon could drive around in a pokéball instead of a bubble on the poké-mobile.

Haha, Popémon owns!

 

[fallout]

I just pray to God this is a joke... fuck I'm tired of waiting for a new Tool album

It's crazy to think about, but the band only has 3 full length albums. That just kind of hit me right now. I mean, I listen to Tool almost religiously (*chuckle*) and yet, I never grow tired of it, even with such a small collection (granted, I do have some bootlegs). Ænima, for maybe just the sake of being the first Tool album that I bought, is easily my most-listened-to album and I can throw it in at any given time.

I want another album too, but I expect quality, so I can wait a little. Actually, I just wish they'd put out the live DVD to hold us over. It's not like they need to write or record anything for it, heh.

 

[LinesInTheSand]

From toolband.com:

"Christians, huh? So forgive me." - Bill Hicks

Good news, April fools fans. The writing and recording is back under way. When approached for comment on his recent encounter with the Son of God, Maynard said, "That guy's a punk!"
As it turns out, Maynard was out "location scouting" near the Fourth Street bridge in downtown Los Angeles when he "found Jesus."
"Turns out he was here the whole time, and not that difficult to find if you know where to look," Maynard reported. Apparently Jesus offered him the position of campaign manager for his new line of "Holier Than Thou" sparkling holy water, which Maynard of course accepted. What wasn't obvious was that this guy is a total drunk. It's an occupational hazard. Every time our Lord goes to get a glass of water, it transforms into a generic grocery store Merlot. Because the alcoholic is the Son of God and an all-knowing being, he knew of Maynard’s extensive interest in collecting wine. So he went to work trying to get his lips on it. Maynard caught J.C. in his cellar transforming his precious wine collection into urine, then pissing it into the empty "sparkling holy water" bottles for the eventual sale to all those people who bought, read, and embraced "The Celestine Prophesy." Tragic.
"Truth be told," Maynard confessed, "I wasn't feeling top notch when I found him. The evening prior to the day in question I had over-indulged in a series of bad Molotov shrimp cocktails with a side of Makers Mark and twin strippers. So after an entire night of G.I. Blowouts, hot/cold sweats, and blurred vision, it's very possible that the guy I met wasn't even Jesus at all. For all I know, it was Willem Dafoe."

BMB

Phew

 

[karasu]

That isn't even funny. :lol

 

[Zilch]

WHEW CLOSE CALL

 

[FrenchMovieTheme]

dear god/jesus,

thank you for letting us keep this one.


your friend,

fmt

 

[Musashi Wins!]

Damn, enough with April Fools. Got a frantic call from an ex at 2am about this stupid rumor.

 

[Megafoo Chavez]

maynard is my jesus

 

[Manics]

I'm upset. I was looking foward to Tool's new direction of hard core songs that praise Jesus as our Lord and savior.

 

[Kabuki Waq]

The fact that he actually responded to MTV should have confirmed it was a joke.

 

[Nightbreeze]

haha, i cant belive i fell for that shit.

 

[FrenchMovieTheme]

i can't believe i fell for it either but there are things everyone is particularly vulnerable to. now if someone posted the april fools joke "Maynard to do pop music" there is no way in fuck i would believe that, whether he confirmed it or not. but the jesus thing, because of artists in the past i never thought would do that, i thought there was an outside chance. and you have to worry about even an outside chance when it is concerning the best band in the world

 

[Jim Bowie]

You gents be silly. I hate Tool/APC and I STILL knew it was a joke.


OH NO I HATE YOUR FAVORITE BAND FLAME ON

 

[FrenchMovieTheme]

 

[Megafoo Chavez]

You gents be silly. I hate Tool/APC and I STILL knew it was a joke.


OH NO I HATE YOUR FAVORITE BAND FLAME ON

ok. you're fucking dumb.

 

[Lakitu]

You gents be silly. I hate Tool/APC and I STILL knew it was a joke.


OH NO I HATE YOUR FAVORITE BAND FLAME ON

 

[karasu]

ok. you're fucking dumb.

baaaaaaaaaa

 

[Megafoo Chavez]

did you just try to insult me by referring to me as a sheep? like i'm supposed to inspire to not be a sheep like yourself?

 

[Diablos]

Calm down, it's just a band.

 

[Megafoo Chavez]

it's not about the band, fuck tool and fuck maynad for all i care. it's people on the internet who need to get cancer.

 

[tt_deeb]

it's not about the band, fuck tool and fuck maynad for all i care. it's people on the internet who need to get cancer.

Fuck Maynad? That's hot!

 

[Diablos]

it's not about the band, fuck tool and fuck maynad for all i care. it's people on the internet who need to get cancer.

That's not a very nice thing to say Mr. Chavez. Forget Maynard. Look to the almighty Popemon, for he will get you through life's greatest challenges.

 

[fallout]

Fuck Maynad? That's hot!

I'd hit it.

 

[Megafoo Chavez]

i'd hit this.

 

[Eminem]

Just as we thought! Late Wednesday night, Tool frontman and Jesus tease Maynard James Keenan, responding to yet another entreaty to clarify the rumor that he was leaving the band to follow the Lord, said in an e-mail: "Pretend you're reading 'The Onion.' "

On Thursday morning, Keenan 'fessed up to the world on the Tool Web site, and in a final e-mail to MTV News, he said: "I was actually quite surprised people bought it. Especially considering most of the subject matter of my work. 'Judith,' for example. I guess when I said 'f--- your god,' I didn't mean the actual God. Just the god of sheep who lack a sense of humor."

— Kurt Loder

:lol :lol :lol