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[Deleted member 1235]

Post the best/worst/grossest joke you have heard in a while, I'll start by lowering the tone a notch.

Man comes home from Pub really late, thinking he will be in trouble with the missus he decides to wake her up with some killer oral sex, he gets to work and is met with some sleepy but obviously horney moaning which ends in an appreciative whimper and then some prompt snoring, smiling to himself he goes to the bathroom to clean up and finds his wife in there using the facilities. "WHAT THE FUCK!!!" he yells. "Shhhhh" says the wife "You'll Wake you're mother".

 

[bjork]

I'd post the pedophile joke, but I'm pretty sure it's banworthy. So, corny joke that I've told before instead:

A man and boy enter a barbershop. The man sits down and gets a full shave and a haircut. The boy gets in the chair, and the man says, "I'm going to the car." The boy gets his haircut, and time passes. Finally the barber asks the boy, "when is your father coming back?" The boy says, "That's not my father. That man walked up to me and said, 'hey kid, let's go get free haircuts.'"

 

[GG-Duo]

Man comes home from Pub really late, thinking he will be in trouble with the missus he decides to wake her up with some killer oral sex, he gets to work and is met with some sleepy but obviously horney moaning which ends in an appreciative whimper and then some prompt snoring, smiling to himself he goes to the bathroom to clean up and finds his wife in there using the facilities. "WHAT THE FUCK!!!" he yells. "Shhhhh" says the wife "You'll Wake you're mother".

that's a sad story :..(

 

[AntoneM]

a drunk guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender where the bathroom is. The bartender says "up the stairs, to the right" the guy walks up the stairs and goes into the door on his left, all he can see is a hole in the floor and so he does his business. Later that night he again asks the tender where the bathroom is and gets the same response. He walks up the stairs spots the door and hole in the floor and does his business. Still later that night he asks the tender once again where the bathroom is and once again gets the same response, so he walks up the stair spots his door and does his business, only this time when he comes back he notices that everyone is gone. He asks the tender, "Where did everyone go?" to which the tender replies "weren't you here when the shit hit the fan?"

 

[Ninja Scooter]

a man is walking through an alley when he stumbles across a genie lamp. He rubs the lamp and nothing happens so he throws it away. But instead of throwing it away, he keeps it and gives it to his mother as a gift, and his mother is like "Oh gee thank you so much for this wonderful present!" but she says it really sarcastically cause she doesn't really mean it and wouldn't get excited over some piece of shit rusty, dirty lamp her son found in some dirty alley somewhere. And a few days later she throws it out because who would want some stupid lamp lying around her house.

 

[DopeyFish]

from bash.org

<Tedward> so there's this pimp right. he's collecting money from his three ho's.
<Tedward> he goes to the first ho and asks for his $100. she says, "But I only owe you $50!"
<Tedward> he slaps her and says, "don't correct me, bitch!"
<Tedward> he asks the next ho for $150. she says, "But I only owe you $100!"
<Tedward> he slaps her and says, "don't correct me, bitch!"
<Tedward> now he goes to his third ho.
<Tedward> he asks for $200. "but I only owe you $150!"
<Tedward> he slaps her and says, "don't correct me, bitch!"
<Tedward> next he visits the fourth ho.
<Tedward> he asks her for his $250.
<Thy_Dungeonman> hold on, wait a sec
<Tedward> what?
<Thy_Dungeonman> you said three ho's, not four. idioth.
*Tedward slaps Thy_Dungeonman
<Tedward> Don't correct me, bitch.

 

[Ecrofirt]

oh, I really found that IRC log funny

 

[AniHawk]

I think it's time for some Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy.

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an Angel gets set on fire.

The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much, but he felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go up to the volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day. It turned out he was right. After forty years, the volcano petered out. Everybody left town, and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to collect gold nuggets too, but there weren't many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg and the doctor's bills were real high.

Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn't seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull?

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

 

[pollo]

what did the shore say to the tide when it was coming in?

Long time no sea!

HAHAHAHAHAH

 

[Eminem]

2 guys walk into a bar...and i don't remember the rest...but your mother's a whore.

 

[JoshuaJSlone]

a man is walking through an alley when he stumbles across a genie lamp. He rubs the lamp and nothing happens so he throws it away. But instead of throwing it away, he keeps it and gives it to his mother as a gift, and his mother is like "Oh gee thank you so much for this wonderful present!" but she says it really sarcastically cause she doesn't really mean it and wouldn't get excited over some piece of shit rusty, dirty lamp her son found in some dirty alley somewhere. And a few days later she throws it out because who would want some stupid lamp lying around her house.

White Ninja: Text Adventures

 

[etiolate]

What is the best thing about having sex with twenty-eight year olds?

There's twenty of them.

 

[Socreges]

What is the best thing about having sex with twenty-eight year olds?

There's twenty of them.

*commits to memory*

 

[Lemurnator]

A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe there. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!!
One day, the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary. 'You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to work out what has been going on!'
The missionary replies: 'No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurence - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion.'
The chief pauses for a moment then says, 'Tell you what, you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about the white child.'

 

[MrPing1000]

What is the best thing about having sex with twenty-eight year olds?

There's twenty of them.

Brilliant *commit to memory as well*

 

[Ignatz Mouse]

3 married couples decide to join the Church of Sexual Repression. The Priest tells them all that they must abstain from sex for one month before being inducted into the church.

A month passes, and the 3 couples return.

The Priest asks the 40-year-old couple, "Have you abstained?"

The husband answers, "It was difficult, but we prayed and turned to our bible and found solace in God."

"Very well, then, you may join the Church."

And then he asks the 30-year-old couple, "Have you abstained?"

The husband answers, "It was very difficult, and toward the end of the month, we took a lot of cold showers and started sleeping apart. But we abstained."

"Very well, then, you may join the Church."

And then he asks the 20-year-old couple, "Have you abstained?"

"It was very difficult. We slept apart all month, and tried not to have too much contact. We didn't talk much and never touched. But one day, my wife dropped a head of lettuce, and when she bent over to pick it up, the sight was more than I could bear, and I took her right there."

The Priest replies "I'm sorry, but you are not welcome in the Church."

"Yeah, and we're not too welcome at the Supermarket anymore, either!"

 

[Mama Smurf]

a man is walking through an alley when he stumbles across a genie lamp. He rubs the lamp and nothing happens so he throws it away. But instead of throwing it away, he keeps it and gives it to his mother as a gift, and his mother is like "Oh gee thank you so much for this wonderful present!" but she says it really sarcastically cause she doesn't really mean it and wouldn't get excited over some piece of shit rusty, dirty lamp her son found in some dirty alley somewhere. And a few days later she throws it out because who would want some stupid lamp lying around her house.

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

What is the best thing about having sex with twenty-eight year olds?

There's twenty of them.

All very good.

Here's my contribution:

"Two men walk into a bar. The first man orders a scotch and soda. The second man remembers something he'd forgotten, and it doubles him over with pain. He falls to the floor shaking.... and then through the floor and into the Earth. He looks back up at the first man, but he doesn't call out to him.

They're not that close."

Sorry, I just find myself drawn to jokes which aren't funny and end up incredibly dark. I think my mind's fucked.

 

[Mejilan]

I don't get that last one.

 

[Mama Smurf]

It's not funny.

 

[Willco]

SNAKES ON A PLANE LOL AM I RITE WHUT DO I WIN??!

 

[RevenantKioku]

I don't get that last one.

They're not close physically or emotionally.
Its still not funny.

 

[Mama Smurf]

It's not meant to be funny! I wrote it right under it!

The thread does call for funny jokes though...I can only think of one other.

Did you hear about the magical tractor? After it drives down the hill, it turns into a field.

This thread is over!

 

[Mejilan]

They're not close physically or emotionally.
Its still not funny.

I thought that. And was still waiting for it to make sense as a joke of some sort (funny or otherwise.) I thought there would be another angle to that 'punch line' I was missing. Thanks.

 

[Mama Smurf]

I did take it from an Angel episode, as some of you may have recognised, and there are other ways of interpreting it within the context of the show.

 

[Scalemail Ted]

I think its one of those secret jokes... the ones, where say Mama Smurf just sits back and laughs at everyone who tries to figure "it" out.

 

[Mama Smurf]

The magical tractor was good though right?

 

[totoro'd]

No

 

[RevenantKioku]

In a yellow house on yellow street lived Yellow Man. In his yellow yard there was a lovely set of yellow trees, surrounded by yellow grass. Yellow Man woke up in his yellow room from the yellow sounds of his yellow alarm clock. He walked into his yellow bathroom and turned on his yellow faucet to wash his yellow face and brush his yellow teeth. Walking down his yellow steps, he pet his yellow cat and wished it a yellow morning. He opened his yellow refrigerator in his yellow kitchen and proceeded to have himself a yellow breakfast. After washing his yellow dishes, decided to go out for a yellow drive in his yellow car. Once he opened his yellow door of his yellow house, he saw Red Man driving in his red car down the yellow road. Red Man's car unexpectedly swerved and then crashed into one of Yellow Man's yellow trees. In a state of yellow shock, Yellow Man ran out to help Red Man out of his red car. Yellow Man brought him into his yellow house, up his yellow stairs and put Red Man into one of his extra yellow rooms. Once Red Man awoke from his red sleeping, he thanked Yellow Man in a very red way for saving his red life. Yellow Man just shook his yellow head and said any yellow man would do the same yellow thing. Red Man then asked in his red voice if there was any red way for him to repay Yellow Man. Yellow Man thought a yellow moment and said, "Well, you could cut my yellow grass for a few days." Red Man nodded his red head and thanked Yellow Man again, in a very red way.
The next day Yellow Man woke up in once more his yellow room from the yellow sounds of his yellow alarm clock. He walked into his yellow bathroom and turned on his yellow faucet to wash his yellow face and brush his yellow teeth. He opened the yellow door to Red Man's yellow room to see how he was doing. Red man was doing quite red well. Walking down the yellow steps, Yellow Man and Red Man discussed what to have for breakfast. Yellow Man opened his yellow refrigerator in his yellow kitchen and proceeded to make himself and Red Man a yellow breakfast. After washing his yellow dishes, decided to go out for a yellow drive in his yellow car, since Red Man would be cutting his yellow grass today. Once he opened his yellow door of his yellow house, he saw Green Man driving in his green car down the yellow road. Green Man's car unexpectedly swerved and then crashed into one of Yellow Man's yellow trees. In a state of yellow shock, Yellow Man ran out to help Green Man out of his green car. Yellow Man brought him into his yellow house, up his yellow stairs and put Green Man into one of his extra yellow rooms. Once Green Man awoke from his green sleeping, he thanked Yellow Man in a very green way for saving his green life. Yellow Man just shook his yellow head and said any yellow man would do the same yellow thing. Green Man then asked in his green voice if there was any green way for him to repay Yellow Man. Yellow Man thought a yellow moment and said, "Well, you could paint my yellow house for a few days." Green Man nodded his green head and thanked Yellow Man again, in a very green way.
The following day, Yellow Man woke up in once again his yellow room from the yellow sounds of his yellow alarm clock. He walked into his yellow bathroom and turned on his yellow faucet to wash his yellow face and brush his yellow teeth. He opened the yellow door to Green Man's yellow room to see how he was doing. Green Man was doing quite green well. Yellow Man then went to the yellow door of Red Man's room, and the three went down the yellow stairs. Yellow Man opened his yellow refrigerator in his yellow kitchen and proceeded to make himself, Red Man and Green Man a yellow breakfast. After washing his yellow dishes, decided to go out for a yellow drive in his yellow car, since Red Man would be cutting his yellow grass today and Green Man would be painting his yellow house. Once he opened his yellow door of his yellow house, he saw Blue Man driving in his blue car down the yellow road. Blue Man's car unexpectedly swerved and then crashed into one of Yellow Man's yellow trees. In a state of yellow shock, Yellow Man ran out to help Blue Man out of his blue car. Yellow Man brought him into his yellow house, up his yellow stairs and put Blue Man into one of his extra yellow rooms. Once Blue Man awoke from his blue sleeping, he thanked Yellow Man in a very blue way for saving his blue life. Yellow Man just shook his yellow head and said any yellow man would do the same yellow thing. Blue Man then asked in his blue voice if there was any blue way for him to repay Yellow Man. Yellow Man thought a yellow moment and said, "Well, you could clean my yellow house for a few days." Blue Man nodded his blue head and thanked Yellow Man again, in a very blue way.
The next yellow day, Yellow Man awoke, and then after washing his yellow self, awoke his Red, Green and Blue friends. They walked down his yellow stairs, but when Yellow Man opened his yellow refrigerator, he noticed he could not make a yellow breakfast for all. "Today will be a cereal day," Yellow Man proclaimed in a very yellow way.
"I shall have Cheerie O's," said Yellow Man.
"I too shall have Cheerie O's," said Red Man.
"I shall have Cheerie O's as well," said Green Man.
"I think I shall have Raisin Bran," said Blue Man.
The moral of this story, three out of four prefer Cheerie O's to Raisin Bran.

 

[Mister Zimbu]

Why did the nudist colony's waiter quit his job?

He kept getting stiffed.

Thank you all, I'll be at the Chuckle Farm on Monday night.

 

[CavemanLawyer]

A guy's wife gets into a really bad car wreck. The guy goes to visit the doctor at the hospital. The doctor says "I have some really bad news. Your wife is paralyzed from the neck down. You are going to have to clothe her, feed her, and bathe her for the rest of her life." The guy starts crying, but says "I love her so much, so I can do it." To which the doctor responds, "Naw, I'm just fucking with you she is dead."

It is Christmas morning and two brothers start to unwrap some presents. The older brother unwraps a huge train set. The younger brother unwraps a pair of socks. The older brother unwraps a nice stereo. The younger brother unwraps a pair of underwear. The older brother unwraps a huge firetruck. The younger brother, a smaller firetruck. The two brothers are playing with their toys, when the older brother runs over and destroys the younger brother's smaller firetruck with his firetruck. "Haha, your firetruck sucks!" yells the older brother. To which the younger brother responds, "Oh yea, well at least I don't have cancer!"

I apologize.

 

[dem]

You want a soda?









SODA I!!




ROFL LOLOL ROFL

HAH AH HAH AHAHAH

 

[cvxfreak]

If you are in our tee, you are E.

FURNITURE!!!

 

[Troidal]

A married couple are in bed. The husband tells the wife, "If you want to have sex with me just gently pull my cock once. If you don't want to, then do it thirty times."

 

[Ignatz Mouse]

How can you spot the head nurse?

She's the one with dirty knees.

 

[Raise Havok]

Hey did you guys here the one about the broken pencil?

Ah, well, it's pointless.

 

[Litigation Manuel]

Some more Deep Thoughts:

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!

When people say that the desert is lifeless, it just makes me want to grab them by the collar and yell, "Why you stupid, stupid bastard!" Then I drive them out into the desert to where the circus is, and point out the many forms of zebra and clown life.

It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating.

When Gary told me he had found Jesus, I thought, Ya-hoo! We're rich! But it turned out to be something different.

I remember I was hammering on a fence in the backyard when Dad approached. He was carrying a letter or something in his hand, and he looked worried. I continued to hammer as he came toward me. "Son," he said, "why are you hammering on that fence? It already has plenty of nails in it." "Oh, I'm not using nails," I replied. "I'm just hammering." With that, I returned to my hammering. Dad asked me to stop hammering, as he had some news. I did stop hammering, but first I got a couple more hammers in, and this seemed to make Dad mad. "I said, stop hammering!" he yelled. I think he felt bad for yelling at me, especially since it looked like he had bad news. "Look," he said, "you can hammer later, but first-" Well, I didn't even wait to hear the rest. As soon as I heard "You can hammer," that's what I started doing. Hammering away, happy as an old hammer dog. Dad tried to physically stop me from hammering by inserting a small log of some sort between my hammer and the fence. But I just kept on hammering, 'cause that's the way I am when I get that hammer going. Then, he just grabbed my arm and made me stop. "I'm afraid I have some news for you," he said. I swear, what I did next was not hammering. I was just letting the hammer swing lazily at arm's length, and maybe it tapped the fence once or twice, but that's all. That apparently didn't make any difference whatsoever to Dad, because he just grabbed my hammer out of my hand and flung it across the field. And when I saw my hammer flying helplessly through the air like that, I just couldn't take it. I burst out crying, I admit it. And I ran to the house, as fast as my legs could take me. "Son, come back!" yelled Dad. "What about your hammer?!" But I could not have cared less about hammering at that point. I ran into the house and flung myself onto my bed, pounding the bed with my fists. I pounded and pounded, until finally, behind me, I heard a voice. "As long as you're pounding, why not use this?" I turned, and it was Dad, holding a brand-new solid-gold hammer. I quickly wiped the tears from my eyes and ran to Dad's outstretched arms. But suddenly, he jumped out of the way, and I went sailing through the second-story window behind him. Whenever I hear about a kid getting in trouble with drugs, I like to tell him this story.

 

[Ignatz Mouse]

Did you hear about the new Courduroy pillows? They're making headlines.

 

[AniHawk]

More Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy...

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered that they were not Indians at all but only dirty-clothes hampers.

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.

I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.