Lost my job over a month ago, but haven't put any effort into looking for a new one and probably won't for a while.
Will turn 30 at the end of the year and haven't done anything with my life at all. (Everyone my age from school is married, has children, moved to other parts of the country and have high paying jobs. I constantly think about what I could have done differently knowing full well I will never actually be able to change it.)
Still live at home with my parents while my three younger siblings have all moved on.
Never had a job that would even allow me to move out if I wanted to.
Don't even have any idea what I want to do, and I don't want to go to school for something I might not even want to do. Even my brother who is in culinary school is at the point he doesn't even think he wants it anymore. School is expensive and I'm not going to spend money I don't have to learn shit I don't care about. But even then, I don't even know what I want to do!
Haven't gotten laid in over 2 years, and then only twice in total. Both times half-sucked. (Though together, they add up to one kinda good time.)
I'm not social at all. None of my friends invite me anywhere to hang out, nor do they want to put in the effort to hang out with me. And I can't go out myself and hang out socially because I get horrible anxiety attacks.
I get depressed a lot.
My parents don't believe in me. I'm planning on going on a cross-country road trip to the opposite coast in September, which is a huge change for me. Something I would never do. But half my family doesn't think I have the guts to and it depresses me to the point I'm starting to get scared to do it.
I can't get a girlfriend for the life of me. Hell, I can't even get a date. Mainly because of my anxiety.
I can't even get a fat/ugly girl to go out with me, and the only girls I've ever been out with were overweight.
I keep a candle lit for a girl who broke my heart and I will never be with ever in a million years because she never said "no" rather she said "maybe". Which is pretty much a no. But I can't let go! Worse part is she isn't looking for anyone because she doesn't think anyone would find her attractive. But I don't have the confidence to actually take charge. Even if she said yes, I don't even know what I would do for our date, so I don't even try.
I also have trouble sleeping lately. If I go to bed at 10PM or so, I never sleep past 2AM. At which point I am unable to sleep until 6AM or 8AM then end up sleeping to 4 or 5PM and even then I'm still tired. Last night was the first and only real sleep night (8 hours) I've had in over a month.
I don't have debt because I don't have a credit card. And I don't have a credit card because I don't have credit. And I'm afraid if I get credit, I will spend too much thus causing me severe debt. I don't trust myself.
I've had three close friends come out to me. And once they did, the friendship never stays the same. Two males and a female. One was never expected. One was kind of expected and the last was hopefully not. (The female was the last.)
Every decision I make seems to end up the wrong one in the end. So I try to make opposite decisions, which in turn end up being the wrong decision once again. It's like I can't make any kind of life forwarding decision to advance myself because it ends up crashing down anyway. Hense my trip across country. A life changing trip would do me good, but as September quickly arrives I find myself more and more paranoid that something is going to prevent it from happening... once again. Sometimes I feel I'm self-destructive and am doing this to myself. Even subconsciously.
I'm not attractive. I wear glasses. But without glasses I look great. I tried to switch to contacts last year but learned that I didn't have the ability to put them in or take them out myself because I couldn't for the life of me consciously put my finger close enough to my eye surface to get them to stick. It took me two trips all the way to Yardley to learn this, then another trip to pick up the new glasses after I failed.
I don't even have unattractive women fawning over me. 6 years ago a girl showed interest in me, and I thought she was cute, but I was so xenophobic I ended up pushing her away even though she made every effort to get with me. I didn't realize this until 4 years later when I found notes she had left for me at work. (That I apparently suppressed in my mind) "Jason, you're cute! Have fun! <3" Completely devastated me. I now live day to day hoping for the same thing to happen again so I can act on it this time.
I once told another one of my friends whom I knew in early school but lost touch with for 13 years that I liked her. She's beautiful, but doesn't think so herself. I tried to get with her, but not knowing a thing about being a guy since I was a self-isolated xenophobe for 24 years, I failed. She was showing interest, but I blew it. We're still friends, but she doesn't make any effort to hang out with me anymore, and has gotten with a new boyfriend on and off for the last year and a half. Every time I turn around she's either "In a relationship" or "Single" again. She buys new pets to console herself. And all I want is to be friends again.
I've never kissed a girl. Not even the one I slept with. Except on the cheek. Which makes it more of a hook-up than a date.
In 1999 my dad talked me into a pyramid "Work at home web business" scheme. I spent a lot of my hard earned money to get nowhere. Last year my dad tried again before I said no. He and mom got into it and got friends into it. But I haven't heard anything about it in months. I'm pretty sure it was another failure and I'm glad I didn't go with it this time. But I wish they would stop getting suckered into those damn things!
In 2002 I broke my foot at work and had three months paid leave compensation. During those months my sister gave me the phone. A telemarketer had called for me, and of course I was half asleep and HOME and they made it sound like I was a winner, I ended up giving them my debit card number for subscriptions to magazines I never wanted. I cut them off multiple times, but they called all the time, even at work. Eventually we stopped answering the phone. When I cut them off I owed about $200 of the total I was supposed to pay. A couple years later (A few months ago) I got a call on my cell phone (I don't even give that out) from an unknown number. Usually I don't answer, but for some reason this time I did. Sure enough it was the collectors. They had decided in order to settle the whole thing they agreed to only charge me $80 of the $200 I owed. I just wanted it over with, so I let them have it. It's over. And I have learned never to let them in again. I'm just happy to know I don't have to worry about this biting me on the ass later on if and when I ever do get credit.
I applied to be a dispatcher for 911 in August of 2007. In the interim I quit my job at Kmart (Twice, the first time because of the unrequited love, second because Kmart sucks) and got a job at a supermarket. In January of 2008 I got paperwork asking me to come in an try out for the job. I blew it off because I lacked confidence and didn't think I could handle the multitask aspect of it causing loss of life so I stayed at my supermarket job, which in turn ended up disappearing a year later.
My brother was held up at gunpoint the other day in Philly because he decided to be a nice guy and take a female friend her iPod. They got his wallet (Complete with $9 cash and credit cards that were immediately deactivated) and a really nice phone. (Which was immediately deactivated) His college gave him a free hoodie for his trouble. Not that that has anything to do with me.
The only thing that keeps me going is the idea that when I turn 40, there will be other 40 year old desperate women out there who might actually go out with me and probably stay with me out of desperation, and I'm actually looking forward to it.
I keep thinking I should go to my parents church and sign up for a singles group to meet a girl. Who would probably withold sex until I marry her.
This isn't the first time I've put so much personal shit in a post on a forum full of complete strangers, and might not be the last either.
God, I typed too much.
