There's also something I feel like saying that's always going in on my head.
At my job, the assistant manager is a homophobe. There was one day a feminine black gay guy came into the store, and after he left she said some nasty things. She was saying about how he needs to find god and go to church, that she think's he's nasty. This happened like two months ago. And that's not the only thing she's said. She's made it very clear that she doesn't like LGBT people, she thinks they're sick, weirdos, and she even complained that she doesn't know how to explain it to her children. The whole works. What's fucking sad is that this woman is 100% anti-racist but to her homophobia is OK.
So obviously I'm not out at work. Can't afford to have her against me. And I work with two other guys at my job, so in order to avoid outing myself I've been quite dishonest. Whenever the straight guys are talking to me about women they've slept with, I end up telling them stories of guys I hooked up with, just with me saying she instead of he, talk about girls asses instead of guys asses etc. And sometimes women flirt with me in the store or feel me up and I have to pretend it doesn't make me feel uncomfortable. So I feel like a huge liar honestly and these guys aren't bad guys, it's just that because we all work in the same workplace I had to lie to them to keep things consistent and pretend to be the straight man I've never been. I wish I could be honest with them, but I can't now, because I can't just tell them that I've been lying to them for months and taking them for a ride into my web of lies.
I'm really tired of doing this. Once I came out to my mom and dad I thought it'd be the last time I'd have to hide who I truly am. But in the real world, I'm reminded that outing myself puts me at risk.