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LGBTQIA+ |OT9| The Return of the Queen

I'm a 24 year old virgin, and usually I'm okay with that (I didn't accept that I was gay until last year), but a few months ago I met a 23 year old (straight) guy who was extremely depressed about his virgin status at his age, and it made me feel like something was wrong with me too. So I signed up on Grindr about two months ago. And I guess I have to ask... does anyone else feel a bit dehumanized? Also, do you feel bad when you turn other people down, and feel like you're doing the same thing (dehumanizing others)? Am I overthinking this?

When I started out, I had a complete baby face, and I wasn't getting many messages from people my age. I got really depressed, because I always thought I was above-average looking. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror anymore, because I would just pick out flaws and feel bad. I took a break from the app, grew out a beard, got a more mature haircut and started lifting (I guess those are good things that came out Grindr), and decided to try my luck again. My fortunes turned around and I started getting a lot of messages... but this didn't help. The messages were very direct... sending dick pics, asking for blowjobs, even got a few racial comments ('terrorize my pussy'). I tried to act casual and reply with vulgarity in kind, but then I'd feel embarrassed, chicken out and close the app for days, and when I'd come back I'd tell them I wasn't interested anymore. The whole process just felt so dehumanizing, like I was just a sex object to them (especially considering the difference in treatment between my two 'faces'), and it felt wrong to have my body be treated that way. The worst part is when I'd get genuinely decent people talking to me in a polite way, but... I simply wasn't interested in them based on their looks. This felt terrible, because I was in their position just a few weeks ago and I knew how it felt, and I realized I wasn't any better than the people who were only talking to me because of my looks. The whole experience made me feel like a hypocritical shallow person.

One experience went down so bad, that I felt so guilty and deleted my profile. It was a huge weight off my chest.

But... I still get really sad and lonely. I still want that level of intimacy with someone, and while I'm young too, especially with the way people talk about gay death. I just don't think casual sex is for me.

Am I overthinking this? A part of me tells me my logic is really circular and I'm getting worked up about nothing, but I don't know if I can go back on Grindr (or other hookup apps) ever again.

Sorry for the long post. I wish I had a gay friend to talk this through with IRL. :<
 

Frodo

Member
I "lost" my "virgem" status around the same age as you are now, OP. No big deal. It was good to be at a good maturity level when it happened, to be honest. About Grindr, I can't use it. I do find it dehumanising as well, and personally don't like to be treated just as a body in a rack you choose to sleep with because you're horny. At least not the way it is usually done in those apps.

I'm not gonna say don't use it, but it is definitely not for everyone. Luckily, I live in a big city, so I don't actually need Grindr to meet new guys. But not everyone has that luxury.
 

RatskyWatsky

Hunky Nostradamus
So I signed up on Grindr about two months ago. And I guess I have to ask... does anyone else feel a bit dehumanized?

Grindr is literally just a meat market, so.

But... I still get really sad and lonely. I still want that level of intimacy with someone, and while I'm young too, especially with the way people talk about gay death.

girl day death is just jokes. no one takes it seriously - the market for daddies is yuge.

ALSO

a lot of guys get off on "teaching" insexperienced gays the ways, so, like, don't fret
 
gay guys on grindr putting in their profile they are straight guy looking for gays to fulfill their curiosity. bitch you was just on here a few weeks ago as a gay.
 

Vazra

irresponsible vagina leak
gay guys on grindr putting in their profile they are straight guy looking for gays to fulfill their curiosity. bitch you was just on here a few weeks ago as a gay.
What about the straight guys that were told grindr was a gym app to find gym buddies and that they are deleting the app soon but it has been a month and half and they still go in the app daily? &#129300;
 

Gibbs

Member
I'm a 24 year old virgin, and usually I'm okay with that (I didn't accept that I was gay until last year), but a few months ago I met a 23 year old (straight) guy who was extremely depressed about his virgin status at his age, and it made me feel like something was wrong with me too. So I signed up on Grindr about two months ago. And I guess I have to ask... does anyone else feel a bit dehumanized? Also, do you feel bad when you turn other people down, and feel like you're doing the same thing (dehumanizing others)? Am I overthinking this?

When I started out, I had a complete baby face, and I wasn't getting many messages from people my age. I got really depressed, because I always thought I was above-average looking. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror anymore, because I would just pick out flaws and feel bad. I took a break from the app, grew out a beard, got a more mature haircut and started lifting (I guess those are good things that came out Grindr), and decided to try my luck again. My fortunes turned around and I started getting a lot of messages... but this didn't help. The messages were very direct... sending dick pics, asking for blowjobs, even got a few racial comments ('terrorize my pussy'). I tried to act casual and reply with vulgarity in kind, but then I'd feel embarrassed, chicken out and close the app for days, and when I'd come back I'd tell them I wasn't interested anymore. The whole process just felt so dehumanizing, like I was just a sex object to them (especially considering the difference in treatment between my two 'faces'), and it felt wrong to have my body be treated that way. The worst part is when I'd get genuinely decent people talking to me in a polite way, but... I simply wasn't interested in them based on their looks. This felt terrible, because I was in their position just a few weeks ago and I knew how it felt, and I realized I wasn't any better than the people who were only talking to me because of my looks. The whole experience made me feel like a hypocritical shallow person.

One experience went down so bad, that I felt so guilty and deleted my profile. It was a huge weight off my chest.

But... I still get really sad and lonely. I still want that level of intimacy with someone, and while I'm young too, especially with the way people talk about gay death. I just don't think casual sex is for me.

Am I overthinking this? A part of me tells me my logic is really circular and I'm getting worked up about nothing, but I don't know if I can go back on Grindr (or other hookup apps) ever again.

Sorry for the long post. I wish I had a gay friend to talk this through with IRL. :<

Theres nothing wrong with being a virgin still. People put so much emphasis on something that really doesn't matter nor exist to be quite honest. Sure, Grindr will make people feel that way. Remember its more of a hookup app and not a "meet friends, dating site" type deal. I don't reply to people who I'm not interested in. It may seem shallow, but it saves time because there are some experiences I had that made me do things the way I do now.

Grindr is depressing because if you don't have the look, or you are incredibly attractive, you'll barely get messages. I get messages but its the same people or its for hookup or dick pics. Naturally you fell into the whole what grindr really is... dick pics,hookups and such. You are not shallow at all, so stop thinking that.

You are getting worked up over nothing but to be honest I can relate 100% to your mindset. I'll be 30 later this year, single, and no hope with a relationship. I'm only as valuable as needed. Just take it day by day, and continue to be you. Eventually you'll meet someone and see why you are so much better than the Grindr people. I mean, not all of those guys are bad people, but the latter of members give the app a bad name.

Casual sex is what Grindr is based off of, and like you, it's not for me. If I go to bed with someone, it's going to be with my boyfriend, not with some random guy just to get myself off. You'll eventually get the level of intimacy and other things you crave, just hang in there, it'll be worth it when you meet the right guy. Don't settle for anything less than you deserve.

My inbox is always open if you need to talk. It'll be ok! Hugs.


"terrorize my pussy"

Okay this had me yodeling

I'd die if I ever heard that in person. Probably would scream and laugh hysterically.
 

Zero²

Member
"terrorize my pussy"

Okay this had me yodeling
Hahahah I'd just rofl and tell them to chill that puss before talking to me again.
Guess I'm old-fashioned cuz I never used any apps, yet I met my current boyfriend in an online chat so guess not.
But my advice is, instead of blaming apps, work on your mental health and maturing as a person. And try doing things that make you happy, if app sex with strangers isn't cutting for you, work on meeting people in a different way, maybe a gym bud you never talked to, or that cute guy at a coffee that you caught looking at you.
 
Man, Grindr is as blunt as it gets. I've tried it a few times but I never ended up meeting anyone. "Right now" isn't my cup of tea, so there was always a conflict of interest with everyone I talked to.

For whatever it's worth, not #NotAllDatingApps are bad. Tinder, I think, is a lot more tame and people are usually interested in getting to know each other and going out on dates rather than hook ups. Of course, people might want hook ups, but hey... There are people looking for romance on Grindr too, so there's variety everywhere!

That being said, I haven't used Tinder since I met my boyfriend (on Tinder...) two years ago, so I don't know its current state.

lost my chat yall. so hit me up again. bitch you know you got blocked by everyone.

Hmm... I always read that like "I'm so closeted I can't keep this app installed on my phone".
 

Astral Dog

Member
I'm a 24 year old virgin, and usually I'm okay with that (I didn't accept that I was gay until last year), but a few months ago I met a 23 year old (straight) guy who was extremely depressed about his virgin status at his age, and it made me feel like something was wrong with me too. So I signed up on Grindr about two months ago. And I guess I have to ask... does anyone else feel a bit dehumanized? Also, do you feel bad when you turn other people down, and feel like you're doing the same thing (dehumanizing others)? Am I overthinking this?

When I started out, I had a complete baby face, and I wasn't getting many messages from people my age. I got really depressed, because I always thought I was above-average looking. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror anymore, because I would just pick out flaws and feel bad. I took a break from the app, grew out a beard, got a more mature haircut and started lifting (I guess those are good things that came out Grindr), and decided to try my luck again. My fortunes turned around and I started getting a lot of messages... but this didn't help. The messages were very direct... sending dick pics, asking for blowjobs, even got a few racial comments ('terrorize my pussy'). I tried to act casual and reply with vulgarity in kind, but then I'd feel embarrassed, chicken out and close the app for days, and when I'd come back I'd tell them I wasn't interested anymore. The whole process just felt so dehumanizing, like I was just a sex object to them (especially considering the difference in treatment between my two 'faces'), and it felt wrong to have my body be treated that way. The worst part is when I'd get genuinely decent people talking to me in a polite way, but... I simply wasn't interested in them based on their looks. This felt terrible, because I was in their position just a few weeks ago and I knew how it felt, and I realized I wasn't any better than the people who were only talking to me because of my looks. The whole experience made me feel like a hypocritical shallow person.

One experience went down so bad, that I felt so guilty and deleted my profile. It was a huge weight off my chest.

But... I still get really sad and lonely. I still want that level of intimacy with someone, and while I'm young too, especially with the way people talk about gay death. I just don't think casual sex is for me.

Am I overthinking this? A part of me tells me my logic is really circular and I'm getting worked up about nothing, but I don't know if I can go back on Grindr (or other hookup apps) ever again.

Sorry for the long post. I wish I had a gay friend to talk this through with IRL. :<
I think your problem is that you started with Grindr, heaven for casual sex and short relationships.

You also let your friend influence you into feeling guilt for being a virgin ,he is he and you are you, only started to accept that you are Gay and are already on Grindr? No wonder you were shocked, it takes time dude, let yourself breath and don't stress over that stuff, i would recommend making friends with LGBT folks first such as clubs or common activities that you are interested to do.then see how you feel.

talking from someone that has never been on Grindr :p
 

Dany

Banned
Anyone watching Difficult People?

I just started it and I just imagine that Ratsky probably had a writing credit on it.
 
Woah, that's a lot of replies. Awesome! :)

I "lost" my "virgem" status around the same age as you are now, OP. No big deal. It was good to be at a good maturity level when it happened, to be honest. About Grindr, I can't use it. I do find it dehumanising as well, and personally don't like to be treated just as a body in a rack you choose to sleep with because you're horny. At least not the way it is usually done in those apps.

I'm not gonna say don't use it, but it is definitely not for everyone. Luckily, I live in a big city, so I don't actually need Grindr to meet new guys. But not everyone has that luxury.

This made me feel a lot better. Thanks. I thought I was alone in feeling this.

Grindr is literally just a meat market, so.



girl day death is just jokes. no one takes it seriously - the market for daddies is yuge.

ALSO

a lot of guys get off on "teaching" insexperienced gays the ways, so, like, don't fret

I was actually pathetic enough to search about it on Google, and saw a lot of people saying they "didn't want to be someone's training wheels", so to speak. But there were a lot of people who said they would be okay with it too, I guess I shouldn't let it get to me. :)

"terrorize my pussy"

Okay this had me yodeling

I'd die if I ever heard that in person. Probably would scream and laugh hysterically.

Zero²;246109806 said:
Hahahah I'd just rofl and tell them to chill that puss before talking to me again.

LOL. Now that I think about it, it is pretty funny. xD

Theres nothing wrong with being a virgin still. People put so much emphasis on something that really doesn't matter nor exist to be quite honest. Sure, Grindr will make people feel that way. Remember its more of a hookup app and not a "meet friends, dating site" type deal. I don't reply to people who I'm not interested in. It may seem shallow, but it saves time because there are some experiences I had that made me do things the way I do now.

Grindr is depressing because if you don't have the look, or you are incredibly attractive, you'll barely get messages. I get messages but its the same people or its for hookup or dick pics. Naturally you fell into the whole what grindr really is... dick pics,hookups and such. You are not shallow at all, so stop thinking that.

You are getting worked up over nothing but to be honest I can relate 100% to your mindset. I'll be 30 later this year, single, and no hope with a relationship. I'm only as valuable as needed. Just take it day by day, and continue to be you. Eventually you'll meet someone and see why you are so much better than the Grindr people. I mean, not all of those guys are bad people, but the latter of members give the app a bad name.

Casual sex is what Grindr is based off of, and like you, it's not for me. If I go to bed with someone, it's going to be with my boyfriend, not with some random guy just to get myself off. You'll eventually get the level of intimacy and other things you crave, just hang in there, it'll be worth it when you meet the right guy. Don't settle for anything less than you deserve.

My inbox is always open if you need to talk. It'll be ok! Hugs.

That's what I've been trying to tell myself, but it's comforting to hear it from someone else too, so thanks. :)

Yeah, I couldn't do Grindr either. Like you I can only do it with someone I care about, and I have to know that person cares about me too. I've been feeling a lot better now since it's been a few days since I deleted that app.

Thanks for that inbox offer. I wish I knew you IRL, you're so supportive, haha.

Guess I'm old-fashioned cuz I never used any apps, yet I met my current boyfriend in an online chat so guess not.
But my advice is, instead of blaming apps, work on your mental health and maturing as a person. And try doing things that make you happy, if app sex with strangers isn't cutting for you, work on meeting people in a different way, maybe a gym bud you never talked to, or that cute guy at a coffee that you caught looking at you.

I wish it worked like that, but how do you know someone is gay by just looking at them (other than your gaydar going off)? Actually, my gaydar went off on this really cute guy, who's one of my closest friends now, but he's 100% straight. The worst part is when he said he was bi-curious and wanted to experiment, but it was a dream and I woke up. LOL.

Man, Grindr is as blunt as it gets. I've tried it a few times but I never ended up meeting anyone. "Right now" isn't my cup of tea, so there was always a conflict of interest with everyone I talked to.

For whatever it's worth, not #NotAllDatingApps are bad. Tinder, I think, is a lot more tame and people are usually interested in getting to know each other and going out on dates rather than hook ups. Of course, people might want hook ups, but hey... There are people looking for romance on Grindr too, so there's variety everywhere!

That being said, I haven't used Tinder since I met my boyfriend (on Tinder...) two years ago, so I don't know its current state.

Hmm... I always read that like "I'm so closeted I can't keep this app installed on my phone".

Same! I always chickened out in the end, then felt bad for wasting people's time.

Hmm, isn't Tinder for hookups too? Or is that how straight people are using it? I think I'll try it, after I "recover". Thanks for the suggestion!

Happy for you and your bf, btw. :)

I think your problem is that you started with Grindr, heaven for casual sex and short relationships.

You also let your friend influence you into feeling guilt for being a virgin ,he is he and you are you, only started to accept that you are Gay and are already on Grindr? No wonder you were shocked, it takes time dude, let yourself breath and don't stress over that stuff, i would recommend making friends with LGBT folks first such as clubs or common activities that you are interested to do.then see how you feel.

talking from someone that has never been on Grindr :p

Yeah, it wasn't a good introduction to the wider gay community at all. I go to a city LGBT support group every now and then, but the people there are usually really young (high schoolers) and the people may age were lesbians, so I don't have any gay male friends to talk about this weird stuff.

Thanks for the suggestions. I'll keep an eye out for more casual LGBT events. That sounds like the ideal place to meet someone.

Thanks for the replies, everyone. They did make me feel a lot better. I'm feeling almost normal again. :D
 
I'm getting laid about as often as I was before I came out (which is to say very irregularly). I'm a pretty reserved person to begin with so it's not a huge deal.

Also I'm picky as fuck with guys. I have no interest in masculinity (other than myself), more or less.
 
Femininity and androgyny are what I especially notice when out and about. But I guess masculinity in a man could also be attractive if I know they are attracted to men.
 
D

Deleted member 465307

Unconfirmed Member
Does anyone in this community care about random people's sexuality and/or gender identity (let's say queerness) to an above-average degree? Walking about and seeing strangers, meeting new people, or seeing celebrities on TV, I find I'm moderately obsessive about knowing who is queer. The most recent example was me looking for evidence that a particular actor was queer, and I was very happy when I found proof that he is.

I'm a bit confused about why I feel such motivation and derive such satisfaction from building out a mental directory of every single queer person in existence. I suspect it's a sign of still looking for external validation of my queer identity and potentially representative of a personal area for improvement. I think this behavior is ultimately a negative for me and something I'd like to eventually eliminate.

Does (or did) anyone else in this thread do this? What are your thoughts on it?


This was extremely relatable. I apologize for not having any advice for you, but thank you for sharing.
 

halfbeast

Banned
Masculinity in a man would only be attractive to me if I knew the man was attracted to men.

Is it that you don't relate to that or was my phrasing unclear?

it sounded like masculinity is hetero-exclusive, lol!

then again "straight acting" is a thing, hmmm....

The most recent example was me looking for evidence that a particular actor was queer, and I was very happy when I found proof that he is.

ugh, creep!

and yeah, it's probably looking for validation that you can be successful and queer. I did it with my heritage, because I was constantly reminded I'm worthless by my surroundings.
 

Astral Dog

Member
Does anyone in this community care about random people's sexuality and/or gender identity (let's say queerness) to an above-average degree? Walking about and seeing strangers, meeting new people, or seeing celebrities on TV, I find I'm moderately obsessive about knowing who is queer. The most recent example was me looking for evidence that a particular actor was queer, and I was very happy when I found proof that he is.

I'm a bit confused about why I feel such motivation and derive such satisfaction from building out a mental directory of every single queer person in existence. I suspect it's a sign of still looking for external validation of my queer identity and potentially representative of a personal area for improvement. I think this behavior is ultimately a negative for me and something I'd like to eventually eliminate.

Does (or did) anyone else in this thread do this? What are your thoughts on it?



This was extremely relatable. I apologize for not having any advice for you, but thank you for sharing.
No! Don't stop i sometimes question this when seeing random people on the street, could be, couldn't be, i will never know does it matter? Not really but its fun &#129300;

I like when certain actors turn to be queer too
 
Does anyone in this community care about random people's sexuality and/or gender identity (let's say queerness) to an above-average degree? Walking about and seeing strangers, meeting new people, or seeing celebrities on TV, I find I'm moderately obsessive about knowing who is queer. The most recent example was me looking for evidence that a particular actor was queer, and I was very happy when I found proof that he is.

I'm a bit confused about why I feel such motivation and derive such satisfaction from building out a mental directory of every single queer person in existence. I suspect it's a sign of still looking for external validation of my queer identity and potentially representative of a personal area for improvement.

Does (or did) anyone else in this thread do this? What are your thoughts on it?
I'm not obsessive about it at all. I care a bit, like when someone moderately famous in games reporting referred to his 'partner' and didn't specify a gender, I wanted to hear more and have wondered since.

At one point a few years ago, I had the idea of writing a book (non-fiction) about queer magicians and wanted to look into if there's much to explore on the topic. It's a niche within a niche so I knew it wouldn't actually become something. And there aren't a whole lot of openly queer magicians.

But it's a good opportunity to show that Neil Patrick Harris is a magician.
Performing magic on TV in 1990: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uZdn1ysO2g8
A more current trick with his mouth: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RmF5xmi_v6A

it sounded like masculinity is hetero-exclusive, lol!

then again "straight acting" is a thing, hmmm....
I see now how it came across that way. I didn't mean to imply that, or the opposite about femininity or androgyny in men.
 

Astral Dog

Member
ugh, creep!

and yeah, it's probably looking for validation that you can be successful and queer. I did it with my heritage, because I was constantly reminded I'm worthless by my surroundings.
In a perfect world there wouldn't be a need for this validation but imo its good for many (specially young and confused) to have some kind of role model who is proud to be out, be an actor, writter, politician, director, musician, singer, CEO, software developer,activist or whatever.
 

halfbeast

Banned
In a perfect world there wouldn't be a need for this validation but imo its good for many (specially young and confused) to have some kind of role model who is proud to be out, be an actor, writter, politician, director, musician, singer, CEO, software developer,activist or whatever.

one of the things Dan Savage said, that stuck with me, is, that bullied (heterosexual) kids go home and have their parents (or other adult relatives) as proof, things will turn out for the better. LGBTQ kids don't have that and in most cases have to even hide it from their parents to not make the situation worse.
 

Gibbs

Member
Yeah, I couldn't do Grindr either. Like you I can only do it with someone I care about, and I have to know that person cares about me too. I've been feeling a lot better now since it's been a few days since I deleted that app.

Thanks for that inbox offer. I wish I knew you IRL, you're so supportive, haha.


Thanks for the replies, everyone. They did make me feel a lot better. I'm feeling almost normal again. :D

Thats my problem apparently. I'm waaaaaay too supportive I'm told. Anywho you'll get through this and no matter what things will work out the way they are meant. I'm still on Grindr and POF and ugh... I should just delete them but I get anxiety thinking if I delete them, there may be someone I miss that would be good for me.... dammit.

Inbox box offer is always open ;)
 

Kevyt

Member
Don’t think that’s accurate. Sex positive doesn’t mean you have to own the sexual subject you are giving your knowledge, interest, and opinions on.

Hmm?

Lift more. it'll bring it back.

It only makes me more tired and then don't do anything, not even self-pleasuring. It's weird because I don't really have urges to do anything atm. I think it depends a lot on your mood.

Isn't sex positive just believing that nobody is less of a person for enjoying sex and having lots of it?

Yeah, somewhat.

From Wikipedia:

an attitude towards human sexuality that regards all consensual sexual activities as fundamentally healthy and pleasurable, encouraging sexual pleasure and experimentation

But this person says I can't be sex positive if I don't practice it. Like not actively having lots of sex, lol.
 

DOWN

Banned
PSA: Like All McD recipes, the Sriracha Mac sauce is tasty.

But also it’s a little spicy and I’m not craving that sensation.
 
Hmm?



It only makes me more tired and then don't do anything, not even self-pleasuring. It's weird because I don't really have urges to do anything atm. I think it depends a lot on your mood.



Yeah, somewhat.

From Wikipedia:



But this person says I can't be sex positive if I don't practice it. Like not actively having lots of sex, lol.

mama sanchez needs to cook for you more. youre just malnourished.
 

Cynosure

Member
is this where popgaffers have migrated to?

tumblr_oei04mN77J1s9hjhwo1_400.gif
 
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