Long Term Relationship |OT| Communication, Communication, Communication

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Amusix's post is awesome.
But when I look at my 3-year relationship and that post, the relationship is doomed.....
 
We've been together six years now. He's a lot more to me than his career.

Sorry, that's not what I meant. I am just talking from personal experience and being a "creative type" and ultimately disappointing people who thought I was more stable than I actually am. I probably shouldn't give you advice on this, since I'm in sort of a similar place to your boyfriend. Except I've become resigned to jumping into any job I might find, even if it takes time away from my projects.
 
Sorry, that's not what I meant. I am just talking from personal experience and being a "creative type" and ultimately disappointing people who thought I was more stable than I actually am. I probably shouldn't give you advice on this, since I'm in sort of a similar place to your boyfriend. Except I've become resigned to jumping into any job I might find, even if it takes time away from my projects.

Ah, I'm sorry >< I think it's kind of reaching the point where he is going to have to take what he can get anyway. I'm quite worried about his mental health but I think once he's able to earn some money he'll be able to do more and eventually find something suitable. It's just getting him started..
 
Ah, I'm sorry >< I think it's kind of reaching the point where he is going to have to take what he can get anyway. I'm quite worried about his mental health but I think once he's able to earn some money he'll be able to do more and eventually find something suitable. It's just getting him started..

It's definitely going to be a mixed bag. On one hand, the job might make him unhappy or depressed if he feels that he isn't getting any further into his career of choice. On the other hand, not making any money and being a burden on others is equally stressful. It's a lose/lose situation and I can definitely sympathize. I think the only thing you can do is encourage him to search for employment, but also help him work on things that will further his career. That's just as important as getting a paying job towards alleviating stress.
 
It's definitely going to be a mixed bag. On one hand, the job might make him unhappy or depressed if he feels that he isn't getting any further into his career of choice. On the other hand, not making any money and being a burden on others is equally stressful. It's a lose/lose situation and I can definitely sympathize. I think the only thing you can do is encourage him to search for employment, but also help him work on things that will further his career. That's just as important as getting a paying job towards alleviating stress.

Thanks :)
 
Man, in a 5+ year. We're in that lull where things feel a bit doomed in love but OH LET'S GET MARRIED WE'RE SCARED COOL.


Going to have to make some decisions sooner than later. Hard talks ahead and I really hope we find a good meeting point. Hopefully with each other.
 
Surround yourself with friends and family, try not to let yourself be alone. Stay busy: join a rec sports team, write some open-source software, learn the ukulele or harmonica. In a while, have a few one-night stands.

thanks, am trying the sorround myself with friends and family.

also another thing: she pulled the "i don't wanna miss your friendship, i've always seen you as a very good friend" stuff, but i frankly cannot even tolerate to see her name on my phone. i feel so cheated and used.
 
Ended a 7 year relationship one month ago. I worked a lot and she never got to see me plus she wanted to get married and I didn't. Basically the entire thing was my fault.
 
Man, in a 5+ year. We're in that lull where things feel a bit doomed in love but OH LET'S GET MARRIED WE'RE SCARED COOL.


Going to have to make some decisions sooner than later. Hard talks ahead and I really hope we find a good meeting point. Hopefully with each other.

If you're in a lull, don't get married.
 
Ah, I'm sorry >< I think it's kind of reaching the point where he is going to have to take what he can get anyway. I'm quite worried about his mental health but I think once he's able to earn some money he'll be able to do more and eventually find something suitable. It's just getting him started..

I had to get a shitty retail job after of university since I couldn't find anything else. I didn't want to, but my parents were going to throw me out. It was terrible, but having money was nice (even if not much: $6.90/hour).

I can't speak to your concerns about depression, just that my bout with it happened when I was working in my career of choice a few years later.

If you're in a lull, don't get married.

Yeah.
 
I've been with my wife for eight years, married for four, and we never pooled our money. I have my accounts and bills, she has her accounts and bills, and they're totally separate. I probably pay a little more than her each month, but I also make a little more than her. The closest we come to a joint expense is our mortgage, which is in both our names, but it comes out of my account and she gives me a cheque every few weeks. Even when we go on vacation, we try to make sure everything evens out in terms of who pays for what.

That said, it's not as if our finances are completely separate or hidden. We both know, roughly, how much the other person has saved up, how much they're saving each month, etc. We have similar financial philosophies, too -- neither of us ever wants to take on debt, we boh pay off our credit cards in full every month, we're both committed to paying off our mortgage as quickly a possible, and so on. We trust each other completely when it comes to money (and everything else, too), but we've never seen a need to put everything together.

I should probably add that we don't have kids, and don't have plans to ever have kids. If we did, then we'd probably have to rethink our financial approach. It would be a lot harder to break things down into my expenses and her expenses if you add a new person into the mix. Unless you could get a baby that paid its own way, of course.

As soon as we moved in together, we opened a joint account to pay for rent (and now our mortgage) and to transfer money back and forth.

Interesting. When we got married, I didn't think twice about pooling everything, all our stuff is joint. But then, after we had our first kid, I was the only income earner in the household, so it made sense that we'd be on both. I can see how being dual-income (and without kids) might change the thought process, though it's still a strange concept to me. Thanks for sharing.
 
No offense, but you have no idea what you're talking about and I find this incredibly insulting.

No offense taken. You're right, I have nothing to work with but the context of your post. No offense was meant on my part, either.

My question was genuine, however. Has he sought help for his depression?
 
Interesting. When we got married [...] I can see how being dual-income (and without kids) might change the thought process, though it's still a strange concept to me. Thanks for sharing.

Well, we're not married. Everything has just grown organically. When we moved in together there was still a worry this wouldn't work, so having a joint account for rent (only) was sensible. There has yet to be a reason to put everything together. I guess she might be tooting her entire discretionary incoming up her nose out of a hooker's whatever, but I don't think it's likely.
 
Also re: pooling resources, we very briefly tried having a joint account just for the mortgage, but we both felt loyal to our banks, and neither of our banks allow for transferring money online to accounts outside the bank. Doing it by cheque when necessary was really our only option.

Interesting. When we got married, I didn't think twice about pooling everything, all our stuff is joint. But then, after we had our first kid, I was the only income earner in the household, so it made sense that we'd be on both. I can see how being dual-income (and without kids) might change the thought process, though it's still a strange concept to me. Thanks for sharing.

See, I have the exact opposite reaction. The thought of being a single-income household and my wife being reliant on me for money actually makes me feel a little uncomfortable...it would just seem like an unequal partnership. (To show you where we're coming from, though, I'll add that we had the same thought process about her taking my last name when we got married. While it's obviously romantic for some people, to us it felt too patriarchal, as if the woman is becoming the man's property by taking his last name. And yes, we are big lefties, how could you tell?)

We actually had a discussion about this a few days ago, since my wife is dissatisfied with her job and thinking of going back to school. On the one hand, I'm totally supportive of her getting more specialized education, and to some extent, I'd be okay with taking on all the bills for 8-12 months. But making sure she had pocket money/me being responsible for her discretionary income? Neither of us liked how that would put us on unequal financial footing. (And thankfully, after talking it out, she decided to just do one or two courses in the evenings, rather than taking a year off work to be a student again. Communication wins!)
 
Anybody in a relationship with somebody who has anxiety? It makes simple things a challenge. Any tips?
 
Hmm think its 13 years in october. Not married though. That mega post is pretty much on point :)

I've been with my wife for 13 years too, married only 2. Seems it's super common for decade+ courtships these days.

Once I finish grad school and move back to baltimore we will figure out this wedding thing.

It is definitely somewhere in the pipes.

Sweet :) it's great, highly recommend it. Although, I found getting married after so long together to be a bit odd - it's kinda an anticlimax in a weird way, although I have found that the relationship does feel a bit different these days - in a good way!
 
I've been with my wife for 13 years too, married only 2. Seems it's super common for decade+ courtships these days.

We have spoke about it and we both agreed that getting married isnt a huge priority right now while we are trying to move to London and get sorted.
I mean I know if I proposed shed say yes but then we are looking at 2+years of engagement.

Better to do it all with only a short engagement imo

Think one of the Communications in the title should be Compromise haha
One thing I have learned is the relationships that we have seen come and go allways seem to fail because one person wont budge for the other.
 
No offense taken. You're right, I have nothing to work with but the context of your post. No offense was meant on my part, either.

My question was genuine, however. Has he sought help for his depression?

Sorry for the insanely late reply!
He hasn't, and he doesn't seem like he will :( His family has drilled into him that it's a "fake illness" and so he doesn't like talking about it.
 
People will probably disagree but I think always making urself attractive to other ppl is important. Knowing that ur so is attractive for someone else will keep u on ur toes. I'm seeing too many couples stop tryin in the looks in Long term relatinships. Then that shit leads to bad sex. Having fun is important but not being boring is important too
 
People will probably disagree but I think always making urself attractive to other ppl is important. Knowing that ur so is attractive for someone else will keep u on ur toes. I'm seeing too many couples stop tryin in the looks in Long term relatinships. Then that shit leads to bad sex. Having fun is important but not being boring is important too

I actually agree.
But then again I am very self conscious about how I look so there's that :P
 
If anyone hasn't seen it, this is turning into an interesting read if you're at all the romantic type:
How did you meet your significant other?

Sweet :) it's great, highly recommend it. Although, I found getting married after so long together to be a bit odd - it's kinda an anticlimax in a weird way, although I have found that the relationship does feel a bit different these days - in a good way!

Why did you get married after all that time?


Fourthed.
 
People will probably disagree but I think always making urself attractive to other ppl is important. Knowing that ur so is attractive for someone else will keep u on ur toes. I'm seeing too many couples stop tryin in the looks in Long term relatinships. Then that shit leads to bad sex. Having fun is important but not being boring is important too

I actually agree about keeping up appearances greatly!
 
To the people who have been in long term relationship for 5+ years. Why haven't you and your significant other gotten married yet?

What are the trade offs or what has impacted the relevance of marriage for you?

Marriage is currently unnecessary for us. We don't have children nor want any in the near future, my biological family is a nightmare, and it's expensive. We have so many other things we can do with that money, like pay our bills. Besides, our more than 8 years of love doesn't require a piece of paper. I understand the appeal of marriage, it just isn't something we need right now as a couple.
 
Sorry for the insanely late reply!
He hasn't, and he doesn't seem like he will :( His family has drilled into him that it's a "fake illness" and so he doesn't like talking about it.

It's unfortunate that his family (and society, to an extent) as stigmatized depression and "mental illness". I hope he can be steered towards educating himself on the subject so he doesn't need to feel embarrassed about asking for help. And thanks for the reply!
 
Three years, yesterday. Going great. I like my alone time a little more than her, but it's not a point of contention or anything. We know each others faults and balance each other. I'm more laid back and she is very type A. Works out well. She kicks my butt to eat things done, which I need, and I tell her to relax and go with the flow a little more, which she appreciates. We recently got a puppy and she's been great, really giving us a new challenge in our relationship.

This summer was nuts. New puppy, lots of weddings, I started volunteering, she settled into her first big girl job...turbulent times. We also had the marriage talk. We both agreed that we're not ready yet, even though we both could see each other together forever.

Her sister hates me, though. But she's a bitch and just jealous because she has never had a boyfriend and her younger sister has a serious relationship and is happy. And she says I'm fat, which is the major reason why my girlfriend shouldn't be dating me. She's said that to my face. Whenever she visits i bail. Her mom seems fine with me, so that's good.
 
It'd be five years next month. We've been through a lot, was in the verge of breaking up countless of times, but kept falling back. My advice is to give him/her at least one reason to keep at it.

She says the reason she sticks with me are the chocolates :p The first thing that comes to her mind is me when she thinks of chocolates. I sure hope there's more to it than that lol :p
 
so LTR-GAF, how do you keep your sexlife healthy* after the first couple of years?

open the relationship? keep trying new stuff?

(*at least twice a week, with plenty of kisses, handjobs and touching/cuddling in between)
 
so LTR-GAF, how do you keep your sexlife healthy* after the first couple of years?

open the relationship? keep trying new stuff?

(*at least twice a week, with plenty of kisses, handjobs and touching/cuddling in between)

By being freaky :P

My relationship is closed and we've been going for over 13 years now. We mix it up a lot, use a lot of different styles etc. Not always the pattern of oral oral, mish, cowgirl. Sometimes a bit of mutual, some fantasy play, developing kinks etc. I'm quite proud of us, this last couple of years we've really pushed the boat out and gone deep into our own psyches. Some days we finish up and feel like fuckin ninjas.
 
Why did you get married after all that time?

Super late reply - we always meant to get married but just never got around to it for one reason or another. Then I got notice to shit or get off the pot, so shit I did! And I'm glad of it, I love being married.

We were also very young when we met (17 years old), and in our 20s it just didn't feel right. I think that 22 year olds getting married is just asking for problems.
 
I just wanted to chime in and thank AMUSIX for his insightful post. The bit about space is particularly important because both entities must maintain their individuality while also working together as a couple.
 
We're into our 5th year and it's still a work in progress. She has a lot of demons to deal with and a whole host of mental health problems (which she is working on). Many of the major points listed communication, money, sex, having our own space are things we have to work on. I don't think things will ever be perfect and i don't expect her to ever be 'cured' of her mental health problems. Sure it can be a battle at times but it's worth it.

Actually looking into getting married now. It's not necessarily something i strongly believe in but i kinda like the idea and she's always wanted to do it. We're only looking into something small and she is happy with that (her family are basically arseholes so she doesn't want them there).
 
so LTR-GAF, how do you keep your sexlife healthy after the first couple of years?

I found that until we lived together it was no problem, even several years into it.

After you shack up, sometimes you simply have to make time for it; there's not a lot of missing the other person, and if you just find yourself together in bed you can easily be too tired.

But it is totally possible to have lots of hot sex after years together.

Some days we finish up and feel like fuckin ninjas.

Or vice versa.

High-fives sometimes happen.
 
Just bumping this up. Seeing how people are.
My partner moved in a few weeks ago, finally :p Going pretty well so far. Only problem so far is that I'm very busy with exams and while he tries to give me space sometimes he just wants to hang out.

I found that until we lived together it was no problem, even several years into it.

After you shack up, sometimes you simply have to make time for it; there's not a lot of missing the other person, and if you just find yourself together in bed you can easily be too tired.
oh noooo! Now you tell me D: Well, so far there are haven't been any issues in that department, except maybe making time for other things...

But it is totally possible to have lots of hot sex after years together.
oh good.
 
My partner moved in a few weeks ago, finally :p Going pretty well so far. Only problem so far is that I'm very busy with exams and while he tries to give me space sometimes he just wants to hang out. oh noooo! Now you tell me D: Well, so far there are haven't been any issues in that department, except maybe making time for other things...

"Hang out" :D

Yeah, that will almost certainly change as you get used to each other being around all of the time. At the same time, just being in the same place doing separate things can be nice. I find cooking together is fantastic. That reminds me that we should put some curtains up so it can be as grope-y as it was in the apartment...
 
Been with my wife over 20 years and still very much in love.
 
I was foolish and married too early. We weren't ready for that at all, emotionally or financially. Our first child dying minutes after birth didn't help either. Ended a month afterwards.

Still don't know if I'm ready to take that plunge again.
 
Communication is important, yeah, and it usually feels good. Don't avoid it.

In really enjoy reading all of the stories in here. Thanks for the thread - I hope more people post in the future.
 
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