Long Term Relationship |OT| Communication, Communication, Communication
- Thread starter MThanded
- Start date
- Status
Sorry, that's not what I meant. I am just talking from personal experience and being a "creative type" and ultimately disappointing people who thought I was more stable than I actually am. I probably shouldn't give you advice on this, since I'm in sort of a similar place to your boyfriend. Except I've become resigned to jumping into any job I might find, even if it takes time away from my projects.
shanshan310
Member
Ah, I'm sorry >< I think it's kind of reaching the point where he is going to have to take what he can get anyway. I'm quite worried about his mental health but I think once he's able to earn some money he'll be able to do more and eventually find something suitable. It's just getting him started..
It's definitely going to be a mixed bag. On one hand, the job might make him unhappy or depressed if he feels that he isn't getting any further into his career of choice. On the other hand, not making any money and being a burden on others is equally stressful. It's a lose/lose situation and I can definitely sympathize. I think the only thing you can do is encourage him to search for employment, but also help him work on things that will further his career. That's just as important as getting a paying job towards alleviating stress.
shanshan310
Member
sonikokaruto
Banned
thanks, am trying the sorround myself with friends and family.
also another thing: she pulled the "i don't wanna miss your friendship, i've always seen you as a very good friend" stuff, but i frankly cannot even tolerate to see her name on my phone. i feel so cheated and used.
Marty Chinn
Member
If you're in a lull, don't get married.
sonikokaruto
Banned
CrudeDiatribe
Member
I had to get a shitty retail job after of university since I couldn't find anything else. I didn't want to, but my parents were going to throw me out. It was terrible, but having money was nice (even if not much: $6.90/hour).
I can't speak to your concerns about depression, just that my bout with it happened when I was working in my career of choice a few years later.
Yeah.
Interesting. When we got married, I didn't think twice about pooling everything, all our stuff is joint. But then, after we had our first kid, I was the only income earner in the household, so it made sense that we'd be on both. I can see how being dual-income (and without kids) might change the thought process, though it's still a strange concept to me. Thanks for sharing.
Deified Data
Banned
No offense taken. You're right, I have nothing to work with but the context of your post. No offense was meant on my part, either.
My question was genuine, however. Has he sought help for his depression?
CrudeDiatribe
Member
Well, we're not married. Everything has just grown organically. When we moved in together there was still a worry this wouldn't work, so having a joint account for rent (only) was sensible. There has yet to be a reason to put everything together. I guess she might be tooting her entire discretionary incoming up her nose out of a hooker's whatever, but I don't think it's likely.
matthewwhatever
Member
Also re: pooling resources, we very briefly tried having a joint account just for the mortgage, but we both felt loyal to our banks, and neither of our banks allow for transferring money online to accounts outside the bank. Doing it by cheque when necessary was really our only option.
See, I have the exact opposite reaction. The thought of being a single-income household and my wife being reliant on me for money actually makes me feel a little uncomfortable...it would just seem like an unequal partnership. (To show you where we're coming from, though, I'll add that we had the same thought process about her taking my last name when we got married. While it's obviously romantic for some people, to us it felt too patriarchal, as if the woman is becoming the man's property by taking his last name. And yes, we are big lefties, how could you tell?)
We actually had a discussion about this a few days ago, since my wife is dissatisfied with her job and thinking of going back to school. On the one hand, I'm totally supportive of her getting more specialized education, and to some extent, I'd be okay with taking on all the bills for 8-12 months. But making sure she had pocket money/me being responsible for her discretionary income? Neither of us liked how that would put us on unequal financial footing. (And thankfully, after talking it out, she decided to just do one or two courses in the evenings, rather than taking a year off work to be a student again. Communication wins!)
See, I have the exact opposite reaction. The thought of being a single-income household and my wife being reliant on me for money actually makes me feel a little uncomfortable...it would just seem like an unequal partnership. (To show you where we're coming from, though, I'll add that we had the same thought process about her taking my last name when we got married. While it's obviously romantic for some people, to us it felt too patriarchal, as if the woman is becoming the man's property by taking his last name. And yes, we are big lefties, how could you tell?)
We actually had a discussion about this a few days ago, since my wife is dissatisfied with her job and thinking of going back to school. On the one hand, I'm totally supportive of her getting more specialized education, and to some extent, I'd be okay with taking on all the bills for 8-12 months. But making sure she had pocket money/me being responsible for her discretionary income? Neither of us liked how that would put us on unequal financial footing. (And thankfully, after talking it out, she decided to just do one or two courses in the evenings, rather than taking a year off work to be a student again. Communication wins!)
Jedeye Sniv
Banned
Vermillion
Banned
Congratulations, mate!
Johnlenham
Member
Hmm think its 13 years in october. Not married though. That mega post is pretty much on point 
Once I finish grad school and move back to baltimore we will figure out this wedding thing.Congrats
It is definitely somewhere in the pipes.
Jedeye Sniv
Banned
Hmm think its 13 years in october. Not married though. That mega post is pretty much on point
I've been with my wife for 13 years too, married only 2. Seems it's super common for decade+ courtships these days.
Sweet
it's great, highly recommend it. Although, I found getting married after so long together to be a bit odd - it's kinda an anticlimax in a weird way, although I have found that the relationship does feel a bit different these days - in a good way!Johnlenham
Member
We have spoke about it and we both agreed that getting married isnt a huge priority right now while we are trying to move to London and get sorted.
I mean I know if I proposed shed say yes but then we are looking at 2+years of engagement.
Better to do it all with only a short engagement imo
Think one of the Communications in the title should be Compromise haha
One thing I have learned is the relationships that we have seen come and go allways seem to fail because one person wont budge for the other.
shanshan310
Member
Sorry for the insanely late reply!
He hasn't, and he doesn't seem like he will
His family has drilled into him that it's a "fake illness" and so he doesn't like talking about it.FreeMufasa
Junior Member
People will probably disagree but I think always making urself attractive to other ppl is important. Knowing that ur so is attractive for someone else will keep u on ur toes. I'm seeing too many couples stop tryin in the looks in Long term relatinships. Then that shit leads to bad sex. Having fun is important but not being boring is important too
I actually agree.
But then again I am very self conscious about how I look so there's that
shanshan310
Member
I actually agree.
But then again I am very self conscious about how I look so there's that
Thirded.
CrudeDiatribe
Member
If anyone hasn't seen it, this is turning into an interesting read if you're at all the romantic type:
How did you meet your significant other?
Why did you get married after all that time?
Fourthed.
How did you meet your significant other?
Sweet
Why did you get married after all that time?
Fourthed.
Karak
Member
I actually agree about keeping up appearances greatly!
Deathmistress
Member
Marriage is currently unnecessary for us. We don't have children nor want any in the near future, my biological family is a nightmare, and it's expensive. We have so many other things we can do with that money, like pay our bills. Besides, our more than 8 years of love doesn't require a piece of paper. I understand the appeal of marriage, it just isn't something we need right now as a couple.
Deified Data
Banned
Sorry for the insanely late reply!
He hasn't, and he doesn't seem like he will
It's unfortunate that his family (and society, to an extent) as stigmatized depression and "mental illness". I hope he can be steered towards educating himself on the subject so he doesn't need to feel embarrassed about asking for help. And thanks for the reply!
Three years, yesterday. Going great. I like my alone time a little more than her, but it's not a point of contention or anything. We know each others faults and balance each other. I'm more laid back and she is very type A. Works out well. She kicks my butt to eat things done, which I need, and I tell her to relax and go with the flow a little more, which she appreciates. We recently got a puppy and she's been great, really giving us a new challenge in our relationship.
This summer was nuts. New puppy, lots of weddings, I started volunteering, she settled into her first big girl job...turbulent times. We also had the marriage talk. We both agreed that we're not ready yet, even though we both could see each other together forever.
Her sister hates me, though. But she's a bitch and just jealous because she has never had a boyfriend and her younger sister has a serious relationship and is happy. And she says I'm fat, which is the major reason why my girlfriend shouldn't be dating me. She's said that to my face. Whenever she visits i bail. Her mom seems fine with me, so that's good.
This summer was nuts. New puppy, lots of weddings, I started volunteering, she settled into her first big girl job...turbulent times. We also had the marriage talk. We both agreed that we're not ready yet, even though we both could see each other together forever.
Her sister hates me, though. But she's a bitch and just jealous because she has never had a boyfriend and her younger sister has a serious relationship and is happy. And she says I'm fat, which is the major reason why my girlfriend shouldn't be dating me. She's said that to my face. Whenever she visits i bail. Her mom seems fine with me, so that's good.
It'd be five years next month. We've been through a lot, was in the verge of breaking up countless of times, but kept falling back. My advice is to give him/her at least one reason to keep at it.
She says the reason she sticks with me are the chocolates The first thing that comes to her mind is me when she thinks of chocolates. I sure hope there's more to it than that lol
She says the reason she sticks with me are the chocolates
The first thing that comes to her mind is me when she thinks of chocolates. I sure hope there's more to it than that lol CrudeDiatribe
Member
Good.
Anyone else get irritated when your s/o doesn't do what your telepathically telling them to do? I don't know why I do this.
Jedeye Sniv
Banned
By being freaky
My relationship is closed and we've been going for over 13 years now. We mix it up a lot, use a lot of different styles etc. Not always the pattern of oral oral, mish, cowgirl. Sometimes a bit of mutual, some fantasy play, developing kinks etc. I'm quite proud of us, this last couple of years we've really pushed the boat out and gone deep into our own psyches. Some days we finish up and feel like fuckin ninjas.
Jedeye Sniv
Banned
Super late reply - we always meant to get married but just never got around to it for one reason or another. Then I got notice to shit or get off the pot, so shit I did! And I'm glad of it, I love being married.
We were also very young when we met (17 years old), and in our 20s it just didn't feel right. I think that 22 year olds getting married is just asking for problems.
Stormtrooper30
Member
I just wanted to chime in and thank AMUSIX for his insightful post. The bit about space is particularly important because both entities must maintain their individuality while also working together as a couple.
AdventureRacing
Member
We're into our 5th year and it's still a work in progress. She has a lot of demons to deal with and a whole host of mental health problems (which she is working on). Many of the major points listed communication, money, sex, having our own space are things we have to work on. I don't think things will ever be perfect and i don't expect her to ever be 'cured' of her mental health problems. Sure it can be a battle at times but it's worth it.
Actually looking into getting married now. It's not necessarily something i strongly believe in but i kinda like the idea and she's always wanted to do it. We're only looking into something small and she is happy with that (her family are basically arseholes so she doesn't want them there).
Actually looking into getting married now. It's not necessarily something i strongly believe in but i kinda like the idea and she's always wanted to do it. We're only looking into something small and she is happy with that (her family are basically arseholes so she doesn't want them there).
CrudeDiatribe
Member
I found that until we lived together it was no problem, even several years into it.
After you shack up, sometimes you simply have to make time for it; there's not a lot of missing the other person, and if you just find yourself together in bed you can easily be too tired.
But it is totally possible to have lots of hot sex after years together.
Or vice versa.
High-fives sometimes happen.
shanshan310
Member
My partner moved in a few weeks ago, finally
Going pretty well so far. Only problem so far is that I'm very busy with exams and while he tries to give me space sometimes he just wants to hang out. oh noooo! Now you tell me D: Well, so far there are haven't been any issues in that department, except maybe making time for other things...
oh good.
CrudeDiatribe
Member
My partner moved in a few weeks ago, finally
"Hang out"
Yeah, that will almost certainly change as you get used to each other being around all of the time. At the same time, just being in the same place doing separate things can be nice. I find cooking together is fantastic. That reminds me that we should put some curtains up so it can be as grope-y as it was in the apartment...
cyberheater
PS4 PS4 PS4 PS4 PS4 PS4 PS4 PS4 PS4 PS4 PS4 PS4 PS4 PS4 PS4 PS4 PS4 Xbone PS4 PS4
Been with my wife over 20 years and still very much in love.
TacticalFox88
Banned
I was foolish and married too early. We weren't ready for that at all, emotionally or financially. Our first child dying minutes after birth didn't help either. Ended a month afterwards.
Still don't know if I'm ready to take that plunge again.
Still don't know if I'm ready to take that plunge again.
- Status