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[whytemyke]

Let me say this. I love Maury not for the man he is, but for the man he tries to be. He tries to be a cross between Jerry Springer and Dr. Phil, with just a touch of Rikki Lake sprinkled on top. He's metrosexual (he wears tight turtlenecks on his show and is ALWAYS tan... do we need more indicators?) and he embraces everyone equally. Tonite he's letting all these fat people that lost a ton of weight get revenge against their crushes by giving them free sex.

The funniest thing I saw on this show ever was last night. The show started off with shocking footage, and then went to this story of this little girl getting eaten by two pitbulls, and her golden retriever saving her. Naturally, when she came out, everyone was cheering. You'd never guess who the loudest people cheering were, though.

THREE ROWS OF FUCKING O.G.'s!!!

I swear to God. I don't want to sound stereotypical and racist, although I will undoubtedly seem like both of those. But seeing something like this is the equivalent of turning on MTV's "Battle Rap Showdown for a chance to hit the studio with the wutang clan" only to see three white guys and a japanese guy battling it out and BEING GOOD!!! That's how rare a moment like this is... I digress. So you've got two or three rows of these gangstaz in here, and the only thing stranger than the cameras zooming in on these gangstas after the girl tells her story, is seeing them all participate in the 'aww' and the incredible cheer. Now, I'm not racist at all (stereotypical? Probably... racist? no.) but I just can't fathom a group of teenagers (couldn't have been over 18) leaving school and goin, "Oh man, we gotta hit up MAURY!" I don't know. For some reason that just struck me as really funny. If I had it on tape, it'd be my new avatar. Oh well.

God Bless Maury Povich.

 

[Socreges]

Let's all share our favourite Maury Moments

"Teyshon......you are NOT the father!"

Always fresh, man... you can always trust the Pove' to deliver....

 

[SolidSnakex]

My favorite part is when a woman who's been on the show literally over 5 times trying to find the dad of her baby gets cheered while the guy gets booed. Then Maury unveils that once again the guy isn't the father and everyone starts going crazy for the guy.

 

[OpinionatedCyborg]

IT'S ABOUT FUCKING TIME.

This dude deserves all the recognition he gets. As methodical as the episodes are, they never fail to get lots o laughs out of me.

"That iz not my baby! It don't got my eyes, ears, noeze...it don't wear my jewellery or my brand of clothing. I AM TWELVE HUNDRED AND FI'TY PERCENT SURE DAT'S NOT MY BABY."

Maury: Well, Jamithony, we have the results from the DNA test right here in this envelope. When it comes to young Anferny, Jamithony: you

a. ARE the father *cue Jamithony leaping from his seat in disbelief, claiming the test results have been falsified before settling down and saying he'll be a man and take responsiblity*

b. ARE NOT the father *cue girl running off the stage while her dissident lover does a victory dance to Usher. Maury goes and comforts the girl, telling her he'll help her with her child and that everything will be ok.*

Maury: we'll be right back after this.

Do you know of an overly developed 9 year old that walks, talks, and acts way too sexy for her age? If so, call the Maury Show at 1-800-MAURY.

CUT TO WHITE TRASH COMMERCIALS.

Victims. VICTIMS. VICTIMS! I'm proud to say that many victims call me their last resort. I accept injury cases that Most. Lawyers. Won't. Take. I want to get you all the cash you deserve. I'm Jim. The Hammer. *1993 3d animation of hammer smashing shit plays* Shapiro. 1-800-546-7777"

maury rox.

 

[lexi]

I always have competitions with friends to see who can get the most correct guesses on the 'Is it a man or a woman' type ones. Good times.

 

[OmniGamer]

lol, those "you, ARE the father" "you are NOT the father" moments are always comedy gold. Especially when it's the skank's FORTH fucking visit to the show...I mean damn bitch, it's bad enough that there's even a possibility of FOUR mofos in the conception window, but when ALL FOUR OF THEM STILL aren't the father....you're a walking sperm bank!

And I love the names...pure ghetto, especially the non-ghetto way Maury introducing them. "Everybody, this is Keyloka...now Keyloka says that her sister Quixota(key-oh-ta) slept with her boyfriend Jermason".

And I love the baby/possible baby daddy split screen face shots.

Ghetto bitch: "THAT'S YO BABY, LOOK AT HIM! *BEEP BEEP* LOOK AT HIM! LOOK DEY GOT DA SAME EYEBROW...*BEEP BEEP* HE GOT 2 EYES, YOU GOT 2 *BEEP BEEP* MA'FU*BEEP BEEP* EYES, C'MON NOW! HOW YOU GON SAY DAT AIN'T YOU SUNNN....YOU NEED TO TAKE KER OF YO SUNNN.

Ghetto bitch right before the results: "I'm 350% sure...cuz I ain't been with nobodee else...I ain't no ho.

Maury: "Dyjuan....you are NOT the father"

Ghetto bitch goes 0-60 in 3 seconds, crying: "*BEEP BEEP BEEP* OH MY *BEEP* GOD" collapses into fetal position...cut back to Dyjuan, who's jumping up and down pacing back and forth on stage

"TOLD YA! UH-HUH, TOLD YO SKANK ASS I WASN'T THAT KID'S DADDY...YOU A HO, ERRBODY KNOW YOU A HO..NOW STAY THE HELL OUTTA MY LIFE U CRAZY *BEEP*

Maury: "It's ok...we'll help you find the father"

cut to promo for similar upcoming show

I *heart* Maury...at least the non-disfigured shows...those are hard to watch sometimes

 

[Guzim]

The fat baby episodes is funny yet sad.

Mom "For breakfast I give my baby 5 boxes of pizza with ice cream on each slice!"

 

[Prospero]

I remember when Maury Povich used to be an almost-legitimate television journalist (he hosted A Current Affair, which back then was an almost-legitimate news show).

He's married to Connie Chung, who actually was a legitimate TV journalist--she must hang her head in shame when he comes home from work each day.

 

[Suerte]

"Maury, I am out of control!"

 

[OmniGamer]

"Maury, I am out of control!"

:lol

"Wateva, wateva, I do what I want"

I remember one time there was this little bad-ass girl, walking down the little stairs saying to the booing audience "Kiss my ass"...she was only about as tall as someone's ass, she had to hold on to the railing and go down one step at a time....that was the funniest sight ever.

 

[Boogie9IGN]

I like the ones when they bring in the drill sergeant and he breaks the bitchy girls down in like 2 seconds

 

[Ninja Scooter]

:lol I like how every once in a while he'll fuck with the people that are on their for paternity tests.

"Devonte, you ARE...

**girl gets excited, starts getting up**

...NOT the father!"

**girl looks like she's been punched in the vagina. Guy starts doing the robot**

Povich is cold blooded.

 

[Boogie9IGN]

IT'S ABOUT FUCKING TIME.

This dude deserves all the recognition he gets. As methodical as the episodes are, they never fail to get lots o laughs out of me.

"That iz not my baby! It don't got my eyes, ears, noeze...it don't wear my jewellery or my brand of clothing. I AM TWELVE HUNDRED AND FI'TY PERCENT SURE DAT'S NOT MY BABY."

Maury: Well, Jamithony, we have the results from the DNA test right here in this envelope. When it comes to young Anferny, Jamithony: you

a. ARE the father *cue Jamithony leaping from his seat in disbelief, claiming the test results have been falsified before settling down and saying he'll be a man and take responsiblity*

b. ARE NOT the father *cue girl running off the stage while her dissident lover does a victory dance to Usher. Maury goes and comforts the girl, telling her he'll help her with her child and that everything will be ok.*

Maury: we'll be right back after this.

Do you know of an overly developed 9 year old that walks, talks, and acts way too sexy for her age? If so, call the Maury Show at 1-800-MAURY.

CUT TO WHITE TRASH COMMERCIALS.

Victims. VICTIMS. VICTIMS! I'm proud to say that many victims call me their last resort. I accept injury cases that Most. Lawyers. Won't. Take. I want to get you all the cash you deserve. I'm Jim. The Hammer. *1993 3d animation of hammer smashing shit plays* Shapiro. 1-800-546-7777"

maury rox.

:lol:lol
Its so funny because it's exactly like that

 

[Guzim]

Guy starts doing the robot**

:lol :lol :lol

Reminds me of the time when the guy find out he wasn't the father so he starts dancing, and he had a guy from the audience come up on stage and brush his shoulders off.

 

[Loki]

:lol I like how every once in a while he'll fuck with the people that are on their for paternity tests.

"Devonte, you ARE...

**girl gets excited, starts getting up**

...NOT the father!"

**girl looks like she's been punched in the vagina. Guy starts doing the robot**

Povich is cold blooded.

:lol

I remember one time there was this little bad-ass girl, walking down the little stairs saying to the booing audience "Kiss my ass"...she was only about as tall as someone's ass, she had to hold on to the railing and go down one step at a time....that was the funniest sight ever.

I like the ones when they bring in the drill sergeant and he breaks the bitchy girls down in like 2 seconds

:lol

 

[Great Wasabi Man]

Maury used to be interesting but it turned into Jenny Jones minus the MTV ghetto. He has 6 shows...

1) guess the tranny
2) My babbies daddy
3) Out of control teen who get yelled at or 15 minuets and turns into chirst
4) My hood rat or tralier trash man is cheating on me cause you know women are prefect angels that never ever stray
5) I'm disfigured and ave a sad story give me stuff
6) the Jenny Jones special..I was picked on in highschool so I became a stripper

ugh

 

[Socreges]

:lol I like how every once in a while he'll fuck with the people that are on their for paternity tests.

"Devonte, you ARE...

**girl gets excited, starts getting up**

...NOT the father!"

**girl looks like she's been punched in the vagina. Guy starts doing the robot**

Povich is cold blooded.

:lol

 

[ZootedGranny]

My favorite episodes are when he has on people with phobias, and then proceeds to torture them.

"Here's Cheryl, who's deathly afraid of dogs. And not any kind of dogs, but small dogs."

Just then he has a guy backstage unleash 10 to 15 small dogs to the front of the stage. The broad starts crying and running, and Maury stays behind, laughing with the audience.

Once a woman was afraid of tin foil and Maury had a woman sneak up behind this broad with a giant ball of foil. Hilarious.

 

[Ninja Scooter]

My favorite episodes are when he has on people with phobias, and then proceeds to torture them.

"Here's Cheryl, who's deathly afraid of dogs. And not any kind of dogs, but small dogs."

Just then he has a guy backstage unleash 10 to 15 small dogs to the front of the stage. The broad starts crying and running, and Maury stays behind, laughing with the audience.

Once a woman was afraid of tin foil and Maury had a woman sneak up behind this broad with a giant ball of foil. Hilarious.

:lol thats hilarious. He'll always make the guy with the snakes/birds/bugs/dressed as a clown run into the back and chase the person.

 

[alejob]

:lol I like how every once in a while he'll fuck with the people that are on their for paternity tests.

"Devonte, you ARE...

**girl gets excited, starts getting up**

...NOT the father!"

**girl looks like she's been punched in the vagina. Guy starts doing the robot**

Povich is cold blooded.

Wasn't there a thread about this(video included)?

And why the ffff do we have a Maury Povich appreciation thread? :lol

 

[Friend]

 

[Loki]

:lol

 

[Tarazet]

Wasn't there a thread about this(video included)?

And why the ffff do we have a Maury Povich appreciation thread? :lol

I'm going to have to make a Night Stand with Dick Dietrick thread to balance it out.

"People, no... no!"

 

[DJ_Tet]

:lol That's too good. This thread is great. Much better than Maury's actual show.

I too remember him from A Current Affair

Bill O'Reily also was spawned from that show.

 

[DarienA]

:lol :lol

 

[Baron Aloha]

:lol :lol :lol @ thread. OpnionatedCyborg nailed it.

Check out the names of some of these episodes.

1. I Have To Know…Is My Fiance My Stepbrother?

2. I'm Terrified of Chalk, Hair, and Circus Clowns!

3. I'm Only In The 8th Grade....Are You My Baby's Daddy?

4. I'm Positive That One of These Six Men Is My Baby's Father!

5. I Need a Test...My Brother May Be My Baby's Dad

More here...

 

[ShadowRed]

:lol That's too good. This thread is great. Much better than Maury's actual show.

I too remember him from A Current Affair

Bill O'Reily also was spawned from that show.

No that was Inside Edition.

 

[Musashi Wins!]

Man, I can't stand this wacko. And who called his wife a legitimate journalist? That's two crazy motherfuckers to be sure.

 

[DJ_Tet]

No that was Inside Edition.

Doh, I had a feeling I had the wrong trash journalism show.

 

[bjork]

Teenagers are OGs?

 

[aoi tsuki]

I WAS UGLY IN SCHOOL…NOW MY HOT LOOKS RULE!

This reeks of Jenny Jones's titles. i always hated these shows because half of the people turned into the superficial people who made fun of them in school.

Edit: The best part about "A Current Affair" was the intro...

"DEEDLE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEEDLE deedle deedle deedle deedle deedle... WOOOOOOOOoooooowwwww..."

...and Maureen O'Boyle.

 

[quest]

I love the paternity test shows I watch them when ever I can. I love when a chick tells her man she cheated and he may not be the father. They test both guys and niether are the father it is priceless. The best part is maury reads the results of the guy she cheated with and when he is not the father her husband is all happy he is the daddy until maury drops the bomb and reads the results.

Watching some skank run off the stage when the 10th guy she has tested is not the father is a golden comedy moment.

 

[DJ_Tet]

Edit: The best part about "A Current Affair" was the intro...

"DEEDLE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEEDLE deedle deedle deedle deedle deedle... WOOOOOOOOoooooowwwww..."

...and Maureen O'Boyle.

Doh! part 2. I was gonna talk about the intro, but I had talked myself out of it. Apparently I transposed the whole Current Affair show with Inside Edition. I can still hear that intro in my head, and I haven't "heard" it since 1989 I bet.

Oh yeah, Maureen O'Boyle is on local news in Charlotte now She was from here and came back to raise a family.

 

[jett]

AHAHAHAAAAHAHAHAHA :lol :lol :lol Funniest gif ever!!

 

[Dreamfixx]

IT'S ABOUT FUCKING TIME.

This dude deserves all the recognition he gets. As methodical as the episodes are, they never fail to get lots o laughs out of me.

"That iz not my baby! It don't got my eyes, ears, noeze...it don't wear my jewellery or my brand of clothing. I AM TWELVE HUNDRED AND FI'TY PERCENT SURE DAT'S NOT MY BABY."

Maury: Well, Jamithony, we have the results from the DNA test right here in this envelope. When it comes to young Anferny, Jamithony: you

a. ARE the father *cue Jamithony leaping from his seat in disbelief, claiming the test results have been falsified before settling down and saying he'll be a man and take responsiblity*

b. ARE NOT the father *cue girl running off the stage while her dissident lover does a victory dance to Usher. Maury goes and comforts the girl, telling her he'll help her with her child and that everything will be ok.*

Maury: we'll be right back after this.

Do you know of an overly developed 9 year old that walks, talks, and acts way too sexy for her age? If so, call the Maury Show at 1-800-MAURY.

CUT TO WHITE TRASH COMMERCIALS.

Victims. VICTIMS. VICTIMS! I'm proud to say that many victims call me their last resort. I accept injury cases that Most. Lawyers. Won't. Take. I want to get you all the cash you deserve. I'm Jim. The Hammer. *1993 3d animation of hammer smashing shit plays* Shapiro. 1-800-546-7777"

maury rox.

holy crap! that's exactly what its like! the commercial and all :lol :lol :lol

 

[Alex Anderson]

I know no one's saying that they respect who he is, but...

Maury's despicable. He tries to act like a saint while he shamelessly exploits poor young children. I have no problem with him letting adults bicker over paternity tests (at least they know what's going on), but leave sympathetic shots of innocent, clueless kids out of your shows, asshole. I'd love to grow up to find out that my mother used me to get on television, and that some random dude she slept with broke off a "not the father" dance with my picture being displayed prominently in the background.

<Maury> It's okay, it's okay. We'll find the father. We'll bring you back. We'll make your kid look even cuter next time.

* Maury secretly hopes the next dude tested also isn't the father for the sake of more milkage

 

[DMczaf]

The first time Tessa was here, she was certain that a man named Jamel was the father of her son. So sure, she named her baby after him. She admitted her love for Jamel and said she wanted him to be a part of her and her child's lives. When the paternity test revealed that Jamel was not the father, Tessa was shocked! She is here today to test another man who could possibly be her child's father. Will Tessa's story have a happy ending?

:lol :lol

One teen mother had six different men take paternity tests in an effort to determine which of them was the father of her baby daughter. None of the men tested turned out to be the father! This young woman is desperate to find a father for her child and sent MAURY a video postcard requesting to test three more men! Two mothers insisted that one man was the father of their two nine year olds, born just three days apart. He claims there is no way he could be the father of these children—but could these women be wrong for nine long years? And one man continued to deny that he could be a father even after his own mother came on the show to say she was sure the baby was his! Could the grandmother and the mother be wrong?

Holy crap :lol

The last time five year old Jessica visited MAURY she weighed nearly 250 pounds and she had to sleep sitting up. But she's back—and she's lost 27 pounds and her mom says she can finally lie down to sleep!

:lol

 

[DJ_Tet]

That's a good point that hasn't been mentioned, and one of the main reasons I avoided this thread so long.


After watching Maury over the years, he now makes me nearly physically ill. I view him at the lowest level of talk show hosts, below Springer or Morton Downey for sure. I don't know where he gets these people, but his "sincerity" totally clashes with the obvious exploitation. I don't doubt he helps some people (see disfigured episodes), but I really wish he would just go away.

The same people who complain about Stern make trash like Maury and Jenny Jones popular, and they don't even see the hypocracy. Hell, at least Stern made his pack of freaks rich and famous. Maury gets a new pack of freaks every week like they were immigrant workers.

 

[Pudding Tame]

CUT TO WHITE TRASH COMMERCIALS.

Victims. VICTIMS. VICTIMS! I'm proud to say that many victims call me their last resort. I accept injury cases that Most. Lawyers. Won't. Take. I want to get you all the cash you deserve. I'm Jim. The Hammer. *1993 3d animation of hammer smashing shit plays* Shapiro. 1-800-546-7777"

maury rox.

Opinionated Cyborg, Do you live in Upstate New York? I saw those Jim "the Hammer" Schapiro commercials all the time growing up there, the early ones were hilariously tasteless. The funny thing is, he's never personally tried a case.

 

[Guzim]

MY MAN HASN'T CUT HIS HAIR IN 7 YEARS! TODAY'S THE DAY!

:lol :lol :lol

 

[Prospero]

Man, I can't stand this wacko. And who called his wife a legitimate journalist? That's two crazy motherfuckers to be sure.

Connie Chung co-anchored the CBS Evening news for a while--she was on 20/20, too, after she left CBS. IIRC she had her own show on CNN for a little while, but it got cancelled.

 

[Musashi Wins!]

Connie Chung co-anchored the CBS Evening news for a while--she was on 20/20, too, after she left CBS. IIRC she had her own show on CNN for a little while, but it got cancelled.

I'm aware of her history, I merely do not respect her talents. The fact that she is tied to such a social wretch as her husband only confirms my feelings.

 

[ShadowRed]

Damn I didn't want to get into this thread, but you people forced me too. I used to love watching Maury and would tape the shows so I could watch the after work, but after a while they started to get to me and I stopped watching. Anyhow the best parts of the paternity test shows besides the dancing and running off the stage was the pre test when they would bring the two potential parents out and they would plat a recorded message from the guy talking about how he wasn't the father and dissing the mother for being a hoe. Most of the time these motherfckers couldn't read off the cue cards right. They would stumble and track their eyes as they read the card:


"Huh...Mau-ry...all I've gotta say is...huh Latisha is a hoe and I'm not the baby’s daddy. She...hum... slept with everyone even my Daddy. I'm 100,000 percent ... huh ... that this baby isn't mine. After dis hurr test proves I'm not the babies daddy I want Latish to leave me the hell alone."


Cue the dude pimp walking onto the stage and the chick going crazy.

 

[jenov4]

HAHAHA this thread is pure comedy gold. :lol at OpinionatedCyborg's post. And a :lol :lol :lol at that "not my baby bitch" dancing gif. Hilarious.

 

[DCX]

that gif is godly!!

DCX

 

[MrPing1000]

:lol :lol i cannot look at that without laughing :lol :lol

One teen mother had six different men take paternity tests in an effort to determine which of them was the father of her baby daughter. None of the men tested turned out to be the father!

:lol I actually saw that one. So funny