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Mitch is home.
- Thread starter akascream
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One of the funniest stand-up comedians in recent years. He died two months ago.akascream said:
"I like baked potatoes, man. I don't have a microwave oven; it takes forever to cook a baked potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I'll just throw one in there, even if I don't want one, because by the time it's done... who knows?"
add me to the mitch hedberg list =(
"My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter, and I don't want them to! "Hey - hold on fellas! Let me hold one of you, and feed you a leaf." Koala bears are so cute, why do they have to be so far away from me? We need to ship a few over, so I can hold one, and pat it on its head."
"I saw a billboard for the lottery. It said, "Estimated lottery jackpot 55 million dollars." I did not know that was estimated. That would suck if you won and they said, "Oh, we were off by two zeroes. We estimate that you are angry.""
"Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee."
"That would be cool if the earth's crust was made out of graham cracker. It would disappear just like the ozone layer, but for completely different reasons."
"My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen."
"I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late."
"I want to make a vending machine that dispenses other vending machines, because it would have to be fucking HUGE."
"I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies."
"My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter, and I don't want them to! "Hey - hold on fellas! Let me hold one of you, and feed you a leaf." Koala bears are so cute, why do they have to be so far away from me? We need to ship a few over, so I can hold one, and pat it on its head."
"I saw a billboard for the lottery. It said, "Estimated lottery jackpot 55 million dollars." I did not know that was estimated. That would suck if you won and they said, "Oh, we were off by two zeroes. We estimate that you are angry.""
"Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee."
"That would be cool if the earth's crust was made out of graham cracker. It would disappear just like the ozone layer, but for completely different reasons."
"My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen."
"I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late."
"I want to make a vending machine that dispenses other vending machines, because it would have to be fucking HUGE."
"I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies."
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"With stoplights, red means stop, green means go, and yellow means hold on. But with bananas, it's all different, green means hold on and yellow means go and red...where the hell did you get your bananas?"
It's a real shame he died... one funny man
"My lucky number is 4billion, that doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling "common 4 billion! FUCK, 7, Not even close"
"I did a special for Comedy central, and they made me take a physical, a verbal physical, a bunch of yes or no question but they were strangle worded like "have you ever tried sugar or PCP?"
"... They said you can have this product for 4 easy payments of 19.95, I'd like to have a product that was available for 3 easy payments and one fucking complicated payment!"
"My lucky number is 4billion, that doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling "common 4 billion! FUCK, 7, Not even close"
"I did a special for Comedy central, and they made me take a physical, a verbal physical, a bunch of yes or no question but they were strangle worded like "have you ever tried sugar or PCP?"
"... They said you can have this product for 4 easy payments of 19.95, I'd like to have a product that was available for 3 easy payments and one fucking complicated payment!"
"An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an escalator "Temporarily Out of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs... Sorry for the Convenience"
"I hate turtlenecks. I have such a weak neck. Plus if you wear a turtleneck it's like being strangled by a really weak guy ... all day. And if you wear a turtleneck and a backpack it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down."
His delivery is what makes him so great though, he will be missed.
"I hate turtlenecks. I have such a weak neck. Plus if you wear a turtleneck it's like being strangled by a really weak guy ... all day. And if you wear a turtleneck and a backpack it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down."
His delivery is what makes him so great though, he will be missed.
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