Hells yeah it makes stuff simpler.
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my friend's desperation is making him unpleasant
- Thread starter Cels
- Start date
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Hells yeah it makes stuff simpler.
well in the general context of hanging out in a place where it's not unusual to interact with the opposite sex, you just basically make your friend look as good as possible. If he comes up in conversation play him up a bit, give him something to boast about, recent experiences or successes, etc. And in the group dynamic you interact with or in some cases intercept other conversation partners so your friend can have an opening to get someone's particular interest.
Yep. He's "thirsty" behavior is a defense mechanism to hide his "virginity" by exaggeratedly displaying interest in women. He's following stereotypes, which are the only things he thinks he can rely on.
Maybe you should try giving him sincere advice? Some real-world perspective could help him loosen up. He admitted never kissing to you, so it means he trusts you somewhat and might listen to what you say.
Kadayi
Banned
You did the right thing OP. Dude needs a reality check. Sounds like he has a couple of things going on that he needs to address.
1) His own self esteem issues.
2) Lack of social interaction with women/groups
Guy undoubtedly thinks of himself as a loser for sure and no doubt a lot of people might judge him that way, but at the same time he's doing a PHD which isn't something everyone gets to do.
Fundamentally what is required is for the guy to recognise that the world judges you on the face you present to it. If you present confidence, then that's what people see if you present insecurity, that's what people see. You can't fake confidence though.
How to get confidence? Recognise your strengths and address your weaknesses, and in his case taking control of his weight/body is probably key.
I'd say throw a copy of Tim Ferris '4 hour body' at him. Ferris's weight loss approach is no nonsense, easy to adhere to, not overly expensive and most importantly effective. That you track everything is key and even after a week or so he'll be able to see the gains. After a couple of months he'll feel like a different person.
Second to that he needs to learn to engage with people without expectation. Learning to meditate might not be a bad starting point in that regard with respect to taking control of that internal monologue.
this is a pretty easy and to the point guide: -
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B003CFB48M/?tag=neogaf0e-20
10 minutes a day in the morning is all that's needed.
1) His own self esteem issues.
2) Lack of social interaction with women/groups
Guy undoubtedly thinks of himself as a loser for sure and no doubt a lot of people might judge him that way, but at the same time he's doing a PHD which isn't something everyone gets to do.
Fundamentally what is required is for the guy to recognise that the world judges you on the face you present to it. If you present confidence, then that's what people see if you present insecurity, that's what people see. You can't fake confidence though.
How to get confidence? Recognise your strengths and address your weaknesses, and in his case taking control of his weight/body is probably key.
I'd say throw a copy of Tim Ferris '4 hour body' at him. Ferris's weight loss approach is no nonsense, easy to adhere to, not overly expensive and most importantly effective. That you track everything is key and even after a week or so he'll be able to see the gains. After a couple of months he'll feel like a different person.
Second to that he needs to learn to engage with people without expectation. Learning to meditate might not be a bad starting point in that regard with respect to taking control of that internal monologue.
this is a pretty easy and to the point guide: -
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B003CFB48M/?tag=neogaf0e-20
10 minutes a day in the morning is all that's needed.
i've told him repeatedly that his desperation leads to a vicious cycle where his desperation scares women off making him even more desperate. i told him working out regularly would help. at the very least mask it until he can find someone to quench his thirst, so to speak...
but that's not even it, he won't talk to women sometimes. and if he does he won't make his intentions known, like he befriends women hoping it'll lead to sex.
for example, there was this girl in one of his classes last year he had a big crush on. she wasn't in his program but they had a class together anyway. she normally sat between him and the lecturer so he said he had a hard time focusing in that class. so i told him to strike up a conversation, ask for her number perhaps. he told me that after class they had the same route for a good 5 minutes before their paths diverged. so for an entire term he had many easy chances to talk to her but instead every time he just walked behind her staring at her ass.
Another story:
S made friends with another PhD student, I'll call her A, who's five years his senior. They have a lot of classes together, and they are pretty good friends from what he tells me, although I've never met her. They text a lot.
Anyway, one night A got really drunk when they both went to a bar so S hung out with her so she could sober up and get herself home. A nice thing that friends do for friends, right? Anyway, months after that night he brought it up again saying "She owes me."
I'm like, "What? What does she owe you for?"
"Well, I took care of A when she was blackout drunk. I could have done anything to her and she wouldn't have known, but I didn't."
I was just flabbergasted and asked him if he considered A to be his friend or not...
The idea stuck with him though because later on he messaged me about how being around her makes him hard and he's gonna grab her one of these days. I thought he was joking and messaged him back "don't be a rapist." But a couple messages later he talked about how he was going to bars often with her and that "maybe after one of these pubs i can take advantage of her a little bit since she can't even tell what's going on." I wasn't concerned though, and nothing's happened between the two.
but that's not even it, he won't talk to women sometimes. and if he does he won't make his intentions known, like he befriends women hoping it'll lead to sex.
for example, there was this girl in one of his classes last year he had a big crush on. she wasn't in his program but they had a class together anyway. she normally sat between him and the lecturer so he said he had a hard time focusing in that class. so i told him to strike up a conversation, ask for her number perhaps. he told me that after class they had the same route for a good 5 minutes before their paths diverged. so for an entire term he had many easy chances to talk to her but instead every time he just walked behind her staring at her ass.
Another story:
S made friends with another PhD student, I'll call her A, who's five years his senior. They have a lot of classes together, and they are pretty good friends from what he tells me, although I've never met her. They text a lot.
Anyway, one night A got really drunk when they both went to a bar so S hung out with her so she could sober up and get herself home. A nice thing that friends do for friends, right? Anyway, months after that night he brought it up again saying "She owes me."
I'm like, "What? What does she owe you for?"
"Well, I took care of A when she was blackout drunk. I could have done anything to her and she wouldn't have known, but I didn't."
I was just flabbergasted and asked him if he considered A to be his friend or not...
The idea stuck with him though because later on he messaged me about how being around her makes him hard and he's gonna grab her one of these days. I thought he was joking and messaged him back "don't be a rapist." But a couple messages later he talked about how he was going to bars often with her and that "maybe after one of these pubs i can take advantage of her a little bit since she can't even tell what's going on." I wasn't concerned though, and nothing's happened between the two.
Etrian Oddity
Member
Sounds a bit insecure with who he is and fits the definition of a beta-male. He needs to take some initiative and man up.
Devolution
Member
CarpeDeezNutz
Member
This is escalating pretty bad.
If you're a decent human being you need to warn A. If not, you're a fucking awful person, almost as bad as your friend.
no, he lacks the balls to talk to women, he lacks the balls to tell A he wants her physically, he sure as hell isn't going to do something stupid like sexually assault her. he is too interested in self-preservation and maintaining the status quo
Devolution
Member
Be friends with people who entertain such ideas and bask yourself in the ignorance of "well he could just never do that."
Conciliator
Banned
the thirst is real.
is that a thing you say on the internet in these cases? i'm kind of behind
is that a thing you say on the internet in these cases? i'm kind of behind
User 100115
Banned
im ready for this to be a news story and for you to be interviewed and its like "he was always such a nice quiet guy, a little quirky, but i never thought he'd harm anybody"
Kadayi
Banned
Well if won't listen then wash your hands of him tbh. Life is too short to waste time worrying about the welfare of people who aren't prepared to help themselves at the end of the day.
Northeastmonk
Gold Member
You can't focus on impressing girls. You have to work on yourself and the other will follow thru after time.
Tell him that.
Tell him that.
Devolution
Member
She owe him doe.
fredrancour
Member
Kano on the Phone
Member
Your friend is actual garbage.
CarpeDeezNutz
Member
Cos sex
Wow. Everything I'm reading... I know you don't think this S guy would ever hurt anyone, but that what people say when they've come to find out that they've hurt someone. "I never thought...." I'm not saying he will, but I'd say his behavior is extremely concerning and that its not a good sign. That's not just desperate, this guy is outright creepy. A shouldn't be drunk at bars around S who think it might be okay to take advantage.
PigSpeakers
Member
OP's friend:
OP, I don't think you can do any more for him than what you already did. I mean, serving him some more real talk might help, and if you want to keep being his friend you could school him in the ways of being a decent human being. But he has to really want to change. Call up Hitch. He'll help.
OP, I don't think you can do any more for him than what you already did. I mean, serving him some more real talk might help, and if you want to keep being his friend you could school him in the ways of being a decent human being. But he has to really want to change. Call up Hitch. He'll help.
User 100115
Banned
This. A obviously trusts him and shouldn't. At all. So if you don't warn her and he does follow through on these 'thoughts', dude...
Aaron-Lagann
Banned
I'm somewhat similar, though I've had incidental success with women, as in they threw themselves at me until I was drunk enough to go through with it, but for the most part I just don't really care about it as much as anyone I know. The idea of having to answer to someone is so inherently unappealing.
I am forcing myself to get out there more, though, as I kind of come across as a weirdo for not caring and am trying to broaden my horizons. Still, sucks trying to do things you're no necessarily that interested in.
Ok yeah this guy might need some serious councelling because that is some extremely fucked up shit.
Also it's weird the OP isn't taking those comments seriously.
The dude is fucking entitled AND is speaking about considering raping someone but nothing has happened yet so he clearly won't do anything.
We in the clear y'all. He hasn't raped yet!
*screams*
Okay, no. This is a huge red flag and he needs to not do anything like that. If he trusts you enough to share these things with you, you should probably talk to him about how shitty and borderline rape this is (if not already into rape territory). You may think he wouldn't, but someone being taken advantage of by someone they trust is exactly what the reality of rape is, and this guy seems unhinged enough to go for it.
CarpeDeezNutz
Member
Give him a kiss
Angelus Errare
Banned
Surely you do realize the aforementioned are common traits of many rapists right?
What I don't understand is how the OP gives us that last story and then says there's no concern. I'm wondering if I'm reading this with bias or not, so I read again as objectively as I can. I wonder if it's just one of those communication things that happens where the OP unintentionally paints someone in a different light then what is meant. I want to give the benifit of the doubt but I read what the OP has given and I just...cringe and feel uneasy. If this guy is like your explanation suggest to me he is like, don't let your long friendship with S blind you, OP.
I'm more concerned for the OPs friend committing a action rather than another committing an action against him, certainly such as a slap in the face. That's the best case scenario if this man's mindset keeps on like this. The OP's friend needs help for himself and from himself.
I'm more concerned for the OPs friend committing a action rather than another committing an action against him, certainly such as a slap in the face. That's the best case scenario if this man's mindset keeps on like this. The OP's friend needs help for himself and from himself.
Crazy_Sunshine
Banned
OP it really sounds like your friend is literally a black hole of sadness. If he never self-actualize and does nothing to change himself. You might need to drop him as a friend.
That's extremely disturbing
That's extremely disturbing
I'm somewhat similar, though I've had incidental success with women, as in they threw themselves at me until I was drunk enough to go through with it, but for the most part I just don't really care about it as much as anyone I know. The idea of having to answer to someone is so inherently unappealing.
I am forcing myself to get out there more, though, as I kind of come across as a weirdo for not caring and am trying to broaden my horizons. Still, sucks trying to do things you're no necessarily that interested in.
You arent a weirdo.
some people are just uninterested. Ive no idea why Im not, as I can definitely appreciate an attractive female but the "thirst" is basically nonexistent.
Its like I could tell my friends "shes hot as hell. Go ask her out". But I wouldnt care enough to put my own self out there. Its not something that I feel would make me happy. Im like the opposite of OP's friend.
I think I have parts missing. A manufacturers defect lol.
OP, tell your friend that he needs to get a hooker stat before he hurts some sweet girl.
Aaron-Lagann
Banned
I think the point of the thread was to get advice on how to handle the situation as to not make it worse. And, venting in these types of scenarios actually helps make it easier to help that person instead of just blowing up at them.
That shit he's saying is fucked up, especially if he brought it up multiple times already. Don't dismiss it because you've been friends with him and think he doesn't have the balls to do anything. Even if he doesn't, that kind of mentality is just messed up. If you want to help your friend, you need to have a serious sit-down and talk with him.
Also tell that girl to stop hanging out with him.
all right he only ever told me these things over diablo 3 chat or in person so that's all i have. i don't have entire conversations, just stuff I thought was particularly weird...
Red = S
Pink = A
Blue = mutual friend of me and S who i sent some screenshots to. you can see i tell him to check imessages in the second screencap
all of these are from one evening
9:36pm
9:37pm
9:55pm
9:57pm
Red = S
Pink = A
Blue = mutual friend of me and S who i sent some screenshots to. you can see i tell him to check imessages in the second screencap
all of these are from one evening
9:36pm
9:37pm
9:55pm
9:57pm
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