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[apemanttt]

I'm goign in for an appt. and would like to get some knowledge & ideas under my belt.

Let me start by describing how I currently feel, and I'll get into my history after that.

It's actually hard for me to describe any of this, and I don't really know how to start but... I have a perfectionist personality - always have done extremely well in school and make friends pretty easily. I have feelings of hopelessness from time to time and often have anxiety around friends, though. For example, tonight I was with friends and after leaving them I had thoughts (slight worries) of what they may have been saying behind my back (sounds stupid when I write it). It's getting harder and harder for me to be myself, just to be loose, around my friends. I think from time to time I may have ups but most of the time I'm feeling either OK or down... A lot of my mood depends on how I see myself in the mirror, and I often compare my body to others (see history below.) It's pretty hard for me to get myself to do stuff besides lifting and sitting around. I dread cardio, usually, but do it to keep myself in shape. I have trouble hanging out with friends unless it's night time. I also procrastinate like crazy, but luckily can push myself hard at the last minute. I honestly don't take enjoyment in that much stuff anymore.

I have an addictive personality, inherited from my mother's side of the family. She is an alcoholic and a chain-smoker. My grandmothers (both mother's side and father's) died because of smoking but lived pretty late. Both of my mom's parents were alcohol. Her family also has a serious history with depression. Her and both of her sisters have severe issues (although they try to hide them). One of my aunt's has such a weight problem that she can hardly walk.

I've experimented with weed, salvia, smoking cigars, chewing tobacco... Weed made me more depressed, salvia made me paranoid beyond belief, and for a short period of a few months I would smoke cigars and chew tobacco because the buzz actually gave me confidence and made me feel so happy, btu I of course gave it up because it's so horrible for you. Caffeine and ephedra have also worked amazingly for me. They get rid of my lethargia and make me more confident at the same time.

I was anorexic several years ago. Lost about 50 pounds of my weight until my parents started taking me to a clinic weekly. I was prescribed zoloft and gained a whole bunch of fat. The zoloft made me even more lethargic, severely decreased my libido, and just generally made me feel not that good... But it worked to heal my eating disorder.

Could I get some advice on my situation?... Any suggestions as to what could be wrong with me. Social-anxiety disorder? depression? add (probably not...)?.. For a time I thought I was bi-polar, but I really don't know anymore.

Thanks in advance.

I'm going to add a few things because it's incredibly hard to explain someone's whole life and feelings in a message board, or anywhere, for a matter of fact.

I am obviously a messed up person, but I manage to keep people from knowing that unless they are my closest friends.

I have been so scared to share my problems with my family or go and get help again because I see having a psychological problem as a weakness (probably because of the way I view my mother's situation)... Or maybe it's because I never hated anything more than going to that eating disorder clinic every week, and I don't ever want to experience anything like that again.

Oh yes, I am also a fidgety person. I can't sit still and do anything really. I always have to be multitasking or I'm not happy... Seriously. While I'm sitting in class or watching TV or doing anything, I like to keep moving. I pick at my calluses all the time because it gives me something to do... It actually gives me pleasure.

Wow do I sound crazy...

I realize this all has been a lot to read, but I would really appreciate any response.

Lol.. One more thing.. I can also get extremely irratable, and I have a tough time tolerating my parents. I get even more irratable when I'm hungry.


----

People will complain about how long this is... These are the cliff notes of my life, lol.... This is sorta serious, so please don't hate.

 

[GG-Duo]

How old are you?

 

[apemanttt]

19

 

[Jewbacca]

I have similar problems minus the eating disorders and a few other things but I find myself to be highly irritable. Every 2 weeks I take a weekend road trip with some old friends at a college about 400 miles away. Im away from family, work, school and Im just with friends. Unfortunatly mid way through the weekend I still remember what I have to come back to but Its just a fun little buffer for me and I keeps my nerves from exploding.
Ive cut my caffine down a bit and started working out and making goals for myself to look better physically (not that i look bad to begin with) like I want a ripped body or just step by step I just fill my time so I dont have to be in my house, but just in my house enough time to look at the forum, pick up a game and get ready for my next day and sleep.


If that doesnt work well...

I kid I kid...

 

[Johnas]

Not to sound overly simplistic, but exercising is the first best step you can take in overcoming depression. Try running if you don't currently, it not only is beneficial for your cardiovascular system, but also your mental health. Also, you don't state your age, but you probably don't need to be on those medications, especially if you're younger. They are often prescribed to treat the symptoms, when in actuality the root problem remains unaffected.

It appears that you may not have a friend you can truly confide in with all this, but try to see if one of your friends will listen objectively and not be judgmental. You're bound to have at least one friend who will do this, even if you don't yet realize it.

EDIT: Saw your age above. Stay away from those prescriptions, seriously. Also, stay away from the illegal drugs, k? No good can come from those.

 

[GG-Duo]

Personally, this sort of feeling decreased / transformed / went away as I grew older.

Perhaps you need a change in life..

 

[apemanttt]

I look at other people and just wish I could be normal sometimes... Well, I don't see myself as totally different, but I just can't seem to be happy. I'm popular and am incredibly bright and such but shit...

 

[Jewbacca]

Not to sound overly simplistic, but exercising is the first best step you can take in overcoming depression. Try running if you don't currently, it not only is beneficial for your cardiovascular system, but also your mental health. Also, you don't state your age, but you probably don't need to be on those medications, especially if you're younger. They are often prescribed to treat the symptoms, when in actuality the root problem remains unaffected.

It appears that you may not have a friend you can truly confide in with all this, but try to see if one of your friends will listen objectively and not be judgmental. You're bound to have at least one friend who will do this, even if you don't yet realize it.

Exercise is good, Im sure you feel depressed at odd times of the day... most of the time was late night when my body was just bleh... So i got a plan at 24 hour fitness and sometimes I just chill in the suana (sp?). Its good stuff

 

[apemanttt]

lol, i originally posted this on a bodybuilding message board. I'm athletic and have a pretty good physique. I won state in tennis and had two years of college done by the time I finished high school, and I'm going to an Ivy League school....

I have so much but it doesn't make me happy. I just feel like something's missing... Even girls don't make me that happy.

Not to sound overly simplistic, but exercising is the first best step you can take in overcoming depression. Try running if you don't currently, it not only is beneficial for your cardiovascular system, but also your mental health. Also, you don't state your age, but you probably don't need to be on those medications, especially if you're younger. They are often prescribed to treat the symptoms, when in actuality the root problem remains unaffected.

It appears that you may not have a friend you can truly confide in with all this, but try to see if one of your friends will listen objectively and not be judgmental. You're bound to have at least one friend who will do this, even if you don't yet realize it.

EDIT: Saw your age above. Stay away from those prescriptions, seriously. Also, stay away from the illegal drugs, k? No good can come from those.

 

[Jewbacca]

I have so much but it doesn't make me happy. I just feel like something's missing... Even girls don't make me that happy.

How about guys... eh eh? *wink*

 

[apemanttt]

How about guys... eh eh? *wink*

lol... ick

 

[Johnas]

lol, i originally posted this on a bodybuilding message board. I'm athletic and have a pretty good physique. I won state in tennis and had two years of college done by the time I finished high school, and I'm going to an Ivy League school....

I have so much but it doesn't make me happy. I just feel like something's missing... Even girls don't make me that happy.

Well then you sound like quite the paradox. The only thing I can think of is that you may be so far ahead of your peers, that you feel distant from them. Is there anything more specific you can add?

 

[Jewbacca]

I always suck myself into music. I have a nice big collection going, I go out once or twice every 2 weeks (when i get paid) and buy some new music... Ive created my little niche and I like to share what I listen to. Every little bit helps... I just stay the hell away from what bugs me and everything else just falls into place.

 

[apemanttt]

Well then you sound like quite the paradox. The only thing I can think of is that you may be so far ahead of your peers, that you feel distant from them. Is there anything more specific you can add?

I'm just pretty sure the problem is neurological... I'm waiting for some answers on a less busy board that specializes in stuff like that and am reading some material, but I just thought I would look for some more knowledge.

Thanks for the help guys.

 

[demon]

You so craaaaaazy.

 

[Comfort_Eagle]

I would like to say it gets better, but through all of my experience, it hasnt. I guess you just learn to live with it. Oh well.

 

[Johnas]

I'm just pretty sure the problem is neurological... I'm waiting for some answers on a less busy board that specializes in stuff like that and am reading some material, but I just thought I would look for some more knowledge.

Thanks for the help guys.

No problem at all.

 

[Zaptruder]

lol... ick

Go hurl yourself off a cliff.



Just don't forget the parachute! i.e. if your problem is neurological, then adrenaline might be the drug you're looking for? haha.

 

[apemanttt]

Someone suggested I may have OCD... Wow, just thinking of that makes me depressed... lol

 

[spliced]

If you are skilled, are in good shape and are popular maybe you should think about doing some charity work to help you appreciate what you have and to feel better.

 

[Blackie]

I would like to say it gets better, but through all of my experience, it hasnt. I guess you just learn to live with it. Oh well.

That's been the solution for me. I still smoke, though, and now I understand how bad smokers have it. I used to heckle smokers as a youngster about getting cancer and being idiots and now I'm always paranoid that everyones going to do it to me when I smoke in public

 

[DJ_Tet]

I didn't read the topic, but stop watching news. You can't change anything that's going on. Don't waste your sanity on things you can't change. I didn't read the post, but that really doesn't matter. Don't watch CNN, don't watch Headline News, don't watch National News.

Focus on yourself. The people around you will be affected, some poor bastard in Iraq won't be though. Just try and focus on yourself first. You can't love or care about anyone else until you learn to love and care for yourself. Once that happens, then you can try and move on to others.

 

[BuG]

I had almost the same feelings towards my group of friends before I got pretty badly depressed; the paranoia about what they were thinking or saying behind my back. I suppose it made it worse when half the shit I was worrying about was actually being said to my face, so I could only imagine what was being said behind my back. The way I think about it now is that others' thoughts and beliefs are their own, are none of my business, and shouldn't even have an impact on me anyways. That's much easier said than done (and even easier to type), so I'm not suggesting it's a quick fix to just change your thinking patterns.

The exercise sentiments expressed above I would have to agree with (and you seem to have an inclination to do so anyways). I literally didn't leave my house for a very long time so all I could bring myself to do was walk the dog around one or two blocks, and I did this at night so there was less chance of being seen by anyone. Even simple walking might be of some help if it can give you a chance to get your head out of your head, to stop thinking for just a moment about what's troubling you and enjoy the scenery and life itself (might be hard if you live in the city).

Drugs and addictions (illicit or otherwise) aren't the only solutions either. If they work for you then more power to you, I have no problems with someone using any substance if it helps them with whatever issues they have, but don't forget about meditation, expressive arts, or any of that sort of crap. Relaxation techniques have helped me in the past.

Also, how much impact it has on anything I'm not sure, but I've stopped watching the news as well. You hear about the big stuff which might actually impact you anyways.

Finally, in the past I've been told that I had (vanilla) depression, clinical depression and psychosis, (as well as being told I was just a bum (thanks Principal Neuhoff)) all I know is I just felt like shit, so I don't think it's necessarily helpful to worry about which pigeon-hole you fit into and to just work on yourself and getting yourself better.

edit: One other thing I forgot: Don't compare yourself to others, compare yourself to yourself. I remember one time I caught the bus to my appointment and was congratulated for the fact by my counsellor, but I just shrugged it off claiming anyone could do it and that everyone does it. My counsellor asked me if I could walk to the letterbox and get the mail if needed and I said I could, then she told me a story about a woman she was helping who couldn't even do that, and to me it might seem like no big deal but to that lady even going outside was a huge obstacle to living a 'normal' life. Obvsiously it's impossible to never compare yourself to others and wonder why you're not like them, but it might be of help to snap yourself out of it as soon as, or soon after, realising what you're doing.

 

[The Shadow]

I'm kind of in a similar position only I've got about 7 years on you. I've been in and out of depression since high school.

The only thing that really seems to help is basically doing something that'll distract me from those kinds of feelings. Play a video game, watch a movie, read a book, etc, etc. Like you, I tend to obsess about what people say about me or the things I've said to them, and the things I've done. "Could I have said this better? Did I give them the wrong impression?", things like that. Those aren't symptoms of OCD, they are symptoms of depression. You know they're irrational and stupid but you have them anyway. It's all part of how depression works really. Logically you know it's stupid but emotionally it's just relentless.

Right now I'm taking SAMe and 5-HTP which supposedly ease those symptoms of depression but SAMe is mad expensive. I spent a little over $50 for both for a months supply. I'm on the first week and I don't feel any different but I really hope they kick in so I know there's something I can do to fix it. Exercise didn't do the trick for me anyway.

I was going to therapy but just yesterday decided to end it. I'd like to recommend it but right now I'm very disappointed with it. Like my family, it didn't seem like the therapist was taking my depression very seriously and instead wanted to make small talk, as if a surrogate friend would make me feel better. Instead, I felt like she was insulting my intelligence so as soon as the session was over I just took off and didn't make another appointment.

So just find something that'll be a good distraction. I wish I had better advice but that's unfortunately the only thing I've found that seems to work at all. I'm trying those supliments but I can't recommend them just yet, they haven't kicked in yet if they will at all.

 

[teh_pwn]

Too lazy to read everything, but I saw signs that your health isn't too great.

Don't buy some pill to mask the symptoms. It'll fuck up your health more.

Fix the source.

Get plenty of sleep.

Improve your diet. Eat walnuts and fish, as they have high amounts of omega 3 fats and a deficency of that has been linked to depression several times.

Don't eat white flour based foods, eat whole grains. Eat plenty of fruits and vegetables.

 

[WrathOfOtaibah]

I was depressed for a while too. The problem with me though was that I was horribly addicted to video games and the computer. I'd spend my whole paycheck (that wasn't going towards bills) on games. It became an addiction. I think in a way this may have been fine for me in Elementary School to play games a bit but it was High School. You know, beer, girls, athletics, and academics. This should have been my priorities (well, maybe not beer but parties/socializing). Nope, it was games, games, and more games. Then I'd take a break and go online.

What really changed me was almost being forced to lift weights. Badminton was taken up and I sure as hell wasn't going to swim. I was a fat pud with an awesome set of tits. So I lifted weights. Soon I liked going. Then by the end of my sophomore year, I was tied with a couple other kids for the highest squat max in my school. It was such a rush. Soon, I hung out with kids who lifted weight as passionately as I did. They were football players. Soon I got into athletics, parties. I still was a pussy when it came to girls and took until the second semester of Freshmen year of college before I took care of that problem.

Exercise saved me. Now its a lifestyle. I dropped over 100 lbs (no loose skin thankfully), and holy shit, I never thought I would have visible abs in my lifetime. I still game and still go online but I control it; it doesn't control me. I'm no longer depressed and like living. Its a good thing. I know you exercise but maybe re-prioritize your life. Stop relying on your friends and more on yourself. At your age (I'm 20 so we're almost at the same age), you should be finding yourself. That means finding priorities. It should be less about your friends and more about you. Still have friends of course but make an effort to further yourself.

Don't get into the trap of philosophy. Philosophy is like a dog chasing its own tail. You won't further your life and will end up depressed.

Good luck.

 

[kablooey]

Well, in addition to what people said about exercise, diet, etc. I would say not to rule out the possibility of ADD. From some of the things you've said you do (procrastination, addictive personality, caffeine that helps you concentrate, etc.) it sounds like it could be related to that. Though very often it's hard to tell if ADD/ADD-like symptoms or the depression comes first. Get it checked out at least, because the way I found out I had ADD was after checking into a clinic for depression.

Either way, try to find something to do that you're passionate about, that you can devote a significant and consistent amount of your time to (and preferably something that's good for your health, like exercise). It'll work wonders for your mental health.

 

[The_Sorrow]

Not to sound overly simplistic, but exercising is the first best step you can take in overcoming depression.

Yeah thats very true. I had pretty bad depression and started doing drugs etc. But I decided to get off my ass and get back into football, got into shape and am doing much better now. Weightlifting and running can actually help you a lot believe it or not.