NeoGAF Anonymous Confessions 2015 - Bare Your Burdens

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Psychotext said:
Dancing in PE? The fuck? I assume this is an American thing?
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It's definitely a thing in Germany. At my school, you could even choose dancing as one of the 3 "specializations" (dancing, team sports and something called "roll & glide") you got to choose from when entering 12th grade. My brother had to learn jumpstyle for half a year even though he didn't choose dancing.

According to him, it was fucking stupid and absolutely pointless.
 
There better be something good coming after that seventh heaven "I learned how to draw again" confession.

No offense, I understand to you it was a big deal but incest or bust in this thread
 
Professor Beef said:
You do know that these threads aren't just about confessions that involve sex/incest/violence/sociopathic behavior, right?
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Sorry for the lack of Confessions today, guys. Super busy day, nearly burned out. I'm gonna put in two confessions tonight before turning in. Will make up for it tomorrow.

Here's the first one:

so uhh, this is kinda fucking strange writing this shit out, I honestly don't know what the fuck I'm doing.

the TL:DR, I think I'm transgender and I've only really started to think about this as a possibility and I have no fucking clue what to do. I'm a male btw, so this would be MtF

I've read stories about how people just "knew" that they were trans when they were kids, that they always kinda had it figured it out and realized it at a very young age, or at the very least in highschool or something.

Not me, I'm in my early 20's in college and this is honestly the first time in my life I'm seriously considering this being a possibility, and the more I think about it the more it kinda explains some things that I always scoffed at as me just being a fucking strange kid or something.

There are a few things, one is I'm kinda emotional, I like a lot of emotional songs, stories and the such, but because I'm a guy I've always hid that. My parents don't know, I've always basically lied to them about everything I feel and like, honestly I kinda feel like they don't even know the real me and the only "me" they know is the image of a guy who doesn't really show much emotion or caring. There has only been one person who has been able to see through my bullshit and he was a teacher in my HS.

I've never really liked how I looked. My brother would always try to get me to go to the gym to buff up, but I never actually wanted to gain muscle mass or anything, in fact my perfect image of myself has always been one of being skinny with little muscle. Even now that I've lost weight and looking "good" or something, I still feel like something is off and I've never been able to really put my finger on it. Even my face is something I'm always looking at going "huh, something just doesn't feel right". Then I look back when I was younger and see a more, well less developed gender neutral face and I kinda wish I had that look in a way.

However, I've never actually thought of "oh, I don't like how I look, clearly I would rather be a women!". I've always just thought it was horrible self esteme issues or something, which it is and still obviously has a major role in how I view myself.

But uhh, the one major thing that I've been thinking about is the question, "if you had a button that would change your gender, and everyone knew you as being a girl, gaining all the features of a women, would you press it and never look back?"

And my answer has always been yes, and I've never really known why. I thought it was just "oh , other side of the grass is always greener", type of shit, but I've kinda remembered that normal people wouldn't say yes to that question.

Not only that, but a major sexual fantasy (this is pretty fucking embarrassing shit) is, well, becoming a women, or something. I don't know how to describe it, but it's just something that turns me on. Not only that, but I never watch porn with a male, everything I watch is lesbian porn.

I've always thought "well I'm straight, I simply don't like seeing dicks", but the more I've thought about this the more I'm starting to think it's because I can more easily view myself as a women and connect with women in media. In porn, I don't view myself as some husky dude banging a chick, I don't view myself as a dude at all, I probably subconsciously view myself as a women.

Same stuff is movies and shows and games, I don't ever relate to a male protagonist in shows, it's always the women characters I like and feel connected to. I still like the males as main characters, it's not like I can't watch it, but my connections are almost always incredibly stronger if the main character is a female.

Also, going back to highschool, well actually any time in my life, but mainly highschool, nearly all my friends were girls. I never really liked hanging out with dudes, and I made friends with some girls more easily I felt and always felt less awkward around them, even if I was kinda attracted to some of them. I would always joke about it in highschool how odd it was, but like many things I never actually thought about it.

There are probably more stuff I can think of, but honestly I have no fucking clue if I'm simply doing a Catch 22 situation where I'm looking back on the past and creating a narrative I want to make with the current hypothesis, or if it's actually a situation of "hey dumbass, time to wake up."

I have no fucking idea, I'm kinda lost. I'm not freaking out, but I've always felt lost and fake, and I'm starting to think I'm piecing together some of the puzzle pieces.
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I can appreciate your confusion here. It's a tough time to be you, Confessor. Keep exploring. There are people and organizations out there that can maybe help you. Even here on GAF:

http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showthread.php?t=388670

You can only be the best version of you that you can be, whether that turns out to be a male or female or whatever. Remember, you have to able to be okay with whatever decision you make. No regrets. No thinking of 'what if' or 'maybe'. Regrets are no way to live life. I hope your family can support you.
 
I really like hair on guys. Usual hair, beard hair, chest hair, back hair, pubic hair, you name it. All my best friends have a beard and I just love to scratch it when they are around. Some tolerate this well, and some don't. But yeah, you can't be my friend if you can't grow a beard. It's a necessity.

Not all hair are created equal for touch. Some are hard and some are easy on your hand. Not all hair on all body parts are equal either. One of my friends was a ginger and once he let me touch his pubic hair. I wanted to see what color it was, obviously. I was surprised by how soft it was, a lot softer than his beard hair. Mine are the opposite. Sadly, we're not friends anymore (not because of this) and my confession is that I miss his hair whenever I see a ginger walking by.
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I feel like it's really important to know whether you're a man or a woman in this scenario.

I'm just so curious about this now.
 
And to close out tonight...

Soulfucker Returns... Again.

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Soulfucker here again, and I see we've got a surplus in depression this year. Actually a surplus in confessions, really. This is gonna be a fun month.

Before we get into this next one, though, some music recommendations for you to listen to as you delve into the madness that is Confessember.

Basically anything from Drakengard 1 would do. This one in particular, though, look up "First Chapter - On The Ground" for the appropriate sound of world-ending madness. Guy on Youtube with the username "Falmora" has pretty much everything from the OST.

And next, some responses.

~~~~

B-Dubs: Thank you so very kindly for spreading the word, I do appreciate it.

Arkos: Hello. How did you like my contributions last year? I hope you found them enjoyable.

Mostmanlyman: Kinda funny how that timing worked out, actually, not gonna lie.

Mailbox: I deliver my depravities unto thee, may Watchers look on as they dance in their merciless skies. Watching me. Watching you.

Hyperactivity: Hey there buddy, how ya doin'? Not sure I'm too comfortable giving out some of those logs since, y'know, made with other people and all, but maybe I could replace all the names to keep it completely unspecific.

~~~~

So here's a strange story about one of the weirdest and most unexpected things I've ever seen.

I was walking back to my apartment after classes and such, college student and all that, when I saw something so unnatural and incomprehensible that I just stopped in my tracks.

I saw a pizza delivery buggy driving out of campus. Like, a quad buggy, two-seater, exterior is the sorta shit with so many bars that it almost looks like it's made outta K'NEX and would offer pretty much no protection from the elements whatsoever.

The car topper was on one of the top rod things, duct-taped there and looking hella lopsided and generally unsafe being there.

And I just found myself FROZEN there. I didn't even whip out my phone to take a picture, the sight was just that bizarre. I was stuck there blinking, slowly trying to process what I had just seen and asking so many questions in my mind.

Like, who would deliver pizza in such a vehicle? I guess he could place the pizza in the other seat, but it is low enough that, if he came to a sudden stop, the pizza may slide off the front of the seat and be abandoned to the road.

Not to mention, again, no protection from the elements, seems generally unsafe as hell to be driving on the roads, one crash and they're probably smushed and crushed along with the pizza! Why would their employer allow them to use such a vehicle for the purposes of PIZZA DELIVERY?

I just could not comprehend it. I STILL cannot comprehend it. That lone pizza delivery man for Papa John's driving his buggy out of campus remains on my mind, it will never leave, I will continue to think of how OTHERWORLDLY that fucking sight was as well as speculate on what life choices this man may have made to end up deciding that driving a buggy to deliver pizzas was a good path to take, or if he regrets his current status as a guy who drives a buggy to deliver pizza.

I will also have strange thoughts like "wouldn't it be cool to have a Pizza Buggy in Mario Kart" and then have Mario Circuit play EVERY TIME I think of that fucking thing and it just will not STOP it will be burrowed into my mind forever. Reason and logic in the world have collapsed.
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Can we not turn Soulfucker into a character? I hate that he's being given a platform to play up to it.

Also dancing has always been part of English primary school curriculum. In hindsight it makes sense because it's a physical activity that improves timing, balance and strength.
 
Persona7 said:
i remember dancing to cotton eye joe or some shit in 7th grade
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Yup, me too. Did you grow up in Texas? I'd be surprised if the cotton-eye joe is taught anywhere else. I remember my music teacher said, "Bring your cowboy boots tomorrow" as if it was normal that every kid would have cowboy boots. Well, it was normal for Texas.
 
Confession: Thats too many words at once, I'm gonna need to take notes.

Also as soon as I saw "Soulfucker" I was like "oh, again? ok then."
 
Confessor said:
There are probably more stuff I can think of, but honestly I have no fucking clue if I'm simply doing a Catch 22 situation where I'm looking back on the past and creating a narrative I want to make with the current hypothesis, or if it's actually a situation of "hey dumbass, time to wake up."
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Hey Confessor, this sounds a lot like what I went through in my early twenties. I'd strongly recommend speaking to a therapist about it. The therapist referred me to a local TG support group, and the counseling I received there helped me unpack my thought processes and take a real good look at myself and my life up to that point.

I often worried about something similar, that I'd arrived at a conclusion and I was interpreting memories in a way to fit that conclusion. Once I'd talked it through thoroughly, I realized I'd actually been lying to myself for over a decade and this really screwed up my teenage years.

Ultimately, it helped me accept who I was and helped me deal with everything that happened after I came out to family and work. Nearly nine months on HRT as of this November.
 
I never did dance in english primary school, that was late 90s to early 2000's. We did like 3 weeks of it in secondary school going into year 7, but then it stopped and we never heard about it again.
 
Jeez, what kind of schools did you all go to? Never did dancing or cheerleading or whatever in gym. One year we did do rollerblading, which was awesome. Think that was 8th grade.
 
eyeball_kid said:
Yup, me too. Did you grow up in Texas? I'd be surprised if the cotton-eye joe is taught anywhere else. I remember my music teacher said, "Bring your cowboy boots tomorrow" as if it was normal that every kid would have cowboy boots. Well, it was normal for Texas.
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I had to learn the Cotton-Eye Joe (and the Cha-Cha Slide) in middle school, and I lived in suburban Massachusetts.

Was some bullshit. But I hated gym regardless.
 
NotTheGuyYouKill said:
Sexual exploration in Thailand.

...

Also, Polygamist Virgin Cult Leader sent me a LinkedIn invitation.

WHY DO YOU PEOPLE DO THESE THINGS.
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Oh shit. Yeah definitely check with a mod on that. We wouldn't want to censor it but if I'm assuming correctly on what the topic will entail he might have used language that could be potentially offensive for LGBT groups. Most people who talk about that tend to do it.

As to the cult leader, maybe he wants to have you join his cult.
 
IN THE MEANTIME:


I probably don't have to write this anonymously but I mean the option is there so why not:

This little tale came when I went to visit my cousin, let's call him Steve, back in the days for vacation. I entered the apartment, said hi to my aunt and uncle, and ran to his room to say hi to him and hang out. As I'm opening the door that leads into the rooms hallway of the apartment, I hear him close the bathroom door and what sounded like him opening and closing his closet door.
I didn't pay much attention to it at the time.

Anyhow days pass by and we're having good ol' summer fun. One day we're gonna go to pool in the upper floor of the apartment building but the swimming trunks I had brought I left at my grandma's house. So he tells me to grab some from his He tells me where they are. I open the closet door and what receives me but a stuffed kid Simba from the Lion King smiling at me. I ask him what it's doing there and he just laughs and tells me to take it out of the closet. This thing is about the size of a medium-large dog and I take him out. I'm still confused as to what the doll is doing there.

"Turn it around", he tells me. I do so and when I do I realize there's a hole with stuffing coming out of it from the stuffed simba's butthole. I tell him it's disgusting and he tells me to flip it over laughing hysterically. Once again I do so and see stuffing come out of a hole where the Simba's private parts would be. He makes it seem like it's a big joke so I start to laugh with him.

This next part is weird I guess if you didn't go through puberty in a time where internet porn wasn't really a thing and your whole family is hyper conservative catholic, so there isn't an option of nudie mags. What we used to do as kids is we'd watch tv until late as hell. like midnight to 1 am. And we'd flip channels. In South America you might be lucky and catch a softcore film every once in a while, something like Skinemax, but 99% of the time those ran way too late so chances are you'd end up watching one of these E! entertainment shows that ran late at night where they'd show like topless girls dancing in like beach/spring break settings. That was enough for young teens. He has two separate single beds on opposite walls from each other, so each person would get in bed and spank that monkey under the sheets. We didn't make noise and we didn't make eye contact.

But this time it was different. When the E! entertainment special was going on and we were a bit into it, he stands up, runs to the closet, grabs the Simba and using him to cover himself he opens the room's restroom door and stared at me.

I look at him not entirely shocked but wondering why the fuck did he have to do that now.

He simply says "Hakuna matatata", enters and locks the bathroom door. For the next few minutes I heard grunts and what sounded like him talking dirty to Simba in the restroom. I lose interest and stop, turn off the tv, put the covers over my head and just wanted to go to sleep. When he finished he exited the restroom, opened the closet, put the simba doll in, and just went to his bed and slept like a baby.

We never spoke of it again and that was the last time we had one of those 'sessions'.

Some of you may be wondering why I drew the line at my cousin stuffing the stuffed Simba, which I later learned he stole from the room of his little sister, and not at the watching porn and churning the butter with another person in the same room. Back then it was easy to justify as we were teens, stupid, and in an era where internet porn wasn't a thing.

Others might say it honestly isn't that weird and that he didn't care about the Simba doll as much as a makeshift fleshlight. But to this date I can't watch the Lion King and not burst out laughing at the awkwardness of that moment. Heck I went to visit him not too long ago and we found the stuffed simba in the attic. I didn't touch it, he saw me and he assured me it has been washed.
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Rur0ni said:
This is a bad thing? Mark trigger or whatever and post. People who can't take the heat, get out the kitchen, etc.
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no reason to have the thread devolve into an argument of when it's all right and not all right to post shit like this. Why risk it if he can check with an active mod that is on right now if as far as being able to post it goes down it's fine
 
Biforce Of Power said:
It's not always been a part of it. I never did dance at primary.
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Greddleok said:
No it hasn't.
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Yeah I realise the wording of that wasn't precise. What I meant is dance has long been part of P.E. Not always the official government curriculum as my poorly worded post suggested, but everyone I know has done some sort of dance at school.

I'm studying to become a teacher right now and only last week we were talking to our P.E. tutor about the benefits of dance. He runs the football teams at his school and he said he refuses to pick anyone who doesn't take dance seriously in their P.E. sessions and he presses the benefits of it to their game.

He said he had a macho dad storm in last year demanding his son never do dance again, until he pointed out to the dad how much better this kid was at dribbling with the ball and turning sharply, things like that. He put it down to dance. I dunno, it was his anecdote.

So yeah, dance in English schools. I remember doing it and hating every second.

Biforce Of Power said:
GRW810 is clearly from England in a parallel universe.
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Not really, smart alec. Google 'Dance in primary school P.E' to find quotes like:

Dance is part of the PE curriculum at Key stages 1 and 2 and dance provision is mostly found under PE in schools.
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This year's updated curriculum:
perform dances using simple movement patterns
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