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[bishoptl]

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/040903

An absolute howler. Some of the gems he's dropped this week:

9. How 'bout this emotional passing of the torch -- from the Islanders Dynasty to the Oilers Dynasty? Gulp. Any time a sport's two biggest dynasties are based in Long Island and Edmonton, you know the league is in trouble down the road.

11. Two HUGE wrestling moments. In January, Hulk Hogan pinned the Iron Shiek to win the WWF title at MSG, leading to Hulkamania taking off, the Cyndi-Lauper-Lou Albano connection, the MTV card and the WWF going mainstream. Only the biggest turn of events in wrestling history. And in March, Roddy Piper slammed coconuts into Jimmy Snuka's forehead on a "You remember exactly where you were when you watched it, JFK-assassination-level" episode of "Piper's Pit."

30. This was the year that A.) "The A-Team" was the No. 1 show in America (which is funny enough in itself, especially because Mr. T was prominently involved); and B.) the "Dynasty" vs. "Dallas" rivalry heated up and both shows started featuring more and more catfights, which was just about as close as you could get to Skin-e-max back in the day.

33. Eddie Murphy's last season on "SNL." For my money, the most important "SNL" performer ever -- Eddie saved the show and made the most money afterwards. If you disagree, you're a racist and you hate blacks. End of story. (Sorry, this is the new way to argue points at Page 2. I'm just following instructions.)

35. During the 25th anniversary Motown show in February, Michael Jackson performed "Billie Jean" and unveiled the moonwalk. I know, I know. Sounds lame now. I'm telling you . . . this was a moment. You had to be there. It was like MJ's 63-point game against the Celtics, only if a stage, a top hat and a future accused pedophile were involved.

37. "Hello" (Lionel Ritchie) -- This was the one where Lionel falls for the blind girl who made the bust that looked nothing like him. Remember that one? She told him, "This is what I see when I see you," then she showed him a sculpture of Barry Sanders, who wasn't even famous yet. This video is RIOTOUSLY funny now. It slays me. Absolutely kills me. I wish they had made a deleted scene where Lionel says, "Hey, just so you know, that looks nothing like me -- I have swollen lips and horrible gheri-curls!", just for the blind girl's reaction.

56. "Red Dawn" and "Footloose" -- Right at the top of the list of Great Bad '80s Movies. "Red Dawn" tells the story of Central American and Russian forces invading America, only a ragtag group of midwestern guerrillas (led by Patrick Swayze, C. Thomas Howell and Charlie Sheen) decide to fight back, and they get to live in the mountains and fight over reheated beans and stuff. "Footloose" is about a small town where dancing was deemed illegal, so newcomer Kevin Bacon is forced to drive to the outskirts of town and take out his dancing frustrations on his own in an abandoned factory . . . but eventually, he convinces the entire town to embrace dancing, and they have an especially fun prom.

(This was just a different era of filmmaking. Needless to say, I loved it.)

65. Not only did the porn industry shift completely to video, but Traci Lords, Christy Canyon AND Ginger Lynn made their X-rated debuts in '84. And you thought MJ, Hakeem, Barkley and Stockton couldn't be topped.

71. Speaking of Michael, this was a big year for him -- Menudo, Emanuel Lewis AND Corey Feldman all rose to fame this year. It was like an all-you-can-grope buffet for him.

75. The Supreme Court made it legal to tape shows with a VCR. Right up there with Roe v. Wade.

81. Ric Ocasek bags Paulina Poriskova, giving hope to every mediocre-to-ugly guy on the planet that they might get to bag a supermodel some day.

:lol

 

[DMczaf]

5. Bowie over MJ. The worst decision in sports history. Even worse than Doug Collins's decision to get a perm in the late-80s.

:lol

 

[fennec fox]

They've forgotten the most important part of 1984, which was that the 76ers were world champions and the Phillies were National League champions for part of it.

 

[Team Rancid]

76. Corey Haim moves to Hollywood from Canada, meets Corey Feldman . . . the rest is history.

Good Stuff

 

[Error Macro]

Damn, I was starting to get a little riled up, 'til I saw this:

53. Sadly, we were one year away from the greatest movie year ever (that's a whole other column). But '84 still gave us "Revenge of the Nerds;" "The Lonely Guy;" "Gremlins;" "Police Academy;" "Top Secret;" "Body Double;" "Romancing the Stone;" "Indiana Jones 2;" "Ghostbusters;" "Stand By Me;" and "Nightmare on Elm Street."

RECOGNIZE.

 

[Kruza]

8. This was also the season in which Tony Gwynn, Don Mattingly, Ryne Sandberg and Wade Boggs all made The Leap. And one of the last years when it was still fun to collect Topps cards. Also, the Yankees were in the middle of an 18-year title drought. And remember the '84 Tigers? They started out 35-5 and rolled from there -- one of the kick-ass teams of the past 50 years, right up there with the '98 Yanks, '86 Mets and '75 Reds. Also, the Padres-Cubs NLCS lived up to the hype, between Garvey's series-saving home run and Leon Durham pulling a pre-Buckner (and never receiving even one one-hundredth of the grief for it). Good times all around.

Glad to see he didn't forget to mention the '84 Tigers. One of the greatest baseball teams of all time for sure.

Kruza

 

[Miguel]

33. Eddie Murphy's last season on "SNL." For my money, the most important "SNL" performer ever -- Eddie saved the show and made the most money afterwards. If you disagree, you're a racist and you hate blacks. End of story. (Sorry, this is the new way to argue points at Page 2. I'm just following instructions.)


:lol @ Simmons ripping Whitlock.

 

[mightynine]

Digging through his archives, this is the funniest thing I've seen in quite a while:

Can you please explain the phenomenom that occurs during a lap dance that convinces you that you actually may have a chance for romance with the dancer? -- Tony Calandra, New York

SG: Sure. It's called "alcohol."

 

[Willco]

I was also born in 1984.

 

[Loki]

Man, this stuff is gold...

31. Not only was this the swan song for the "Love Boat"/"Fantasy Island" combo on Saturday nights, but '84 was also the last year for "Three's Company." Talk about the end of an era. This was also the last time Joyce DeWitt ever filled out a 1040-form.

:lol

20. The Summer Olympics in LA! Not only that, but the Russians (and Ivan Drago) stayed home! Let the Gold Medal Frenzy begin! I think even I won a gold medal that year! I can't stop using exclamation points!

:lol

37. "Hello" (Lionel Ritchie) -- This was the one where Lionel falls for the blind girl who made the bust that looked nothing like him. Remember that one? She told him, "This is what I see when I see you," then she showed him a sculpture of Barry Sanders, who wasn't even famous yet. This video is RIOTOUSLY funny now. It slays me. Absolutely kills me. I wish they had made a deleted scene where Lionel says, "Hey, just so you know, that looks nothing like me -- I have swollen lips and horrible gheri-curls!", just for the blind girl's reaction.

:lol

43. Let's see . . . Prince, Springsteen, Madonna, Van Halen, "Footloose," Tina Turner, Cyndi Lauper, Phil Collins, Billy Idol, Huey Lewis, Year Two of Jackson's "Thriller" album, plus "Unforgettable Fire" by U2. Has that year ever been topped? Except for Madonna, all of those people were in their primes (and Madonna was in her sexy/skanky/"anyone has a chance with me" prime).

:lol

47. You know what? Bruce gets his own paragraph as well. I was just as invested, maybe even more so. And it wasn't just his music, his lyrics, his ceaseless energy, his comical underbite . . . it was those emotional concert stories between songs. You know, like this one:

Can you quiet down for one second? (Dramatic pause, clears throat.) When I was growing up, there was only three things unpopular in my house -- me, my hair and my guitar. My Dad hated my guitar. He just hated it. One time he lit my guitar on fire, then smashed me over the head with it a hundred times. I was covered in second-degree burns. When I was in the hospital, I didn't want to see nobody, but then my Dad came into the room, and he looked me in the eye, and he shook my hand, and he said, "I'm sorry." And then he tried to strangle me with my catheter. I fended him off, finally stabbing him unconscious with a salad fork. Me and my Dad were never the same. Anyway, here's Thunder Road.

:lol

(And speaking of leaps, how 'bout Larry B. Scott appearing as the gay frat brother in "Revenge of the Nerds," then the only black member of Cobra Kai in the same year! A reader pointed this out a few weeks ago . . . I never noticed this before. Does this count as making The Leap? I need a ruling.)

:lol

63. "Romancing The Stone" -- Kathleen Turner was so remarkably hot in this movie, people were high-fiving in the theater. Fifteen years later, she was appearing on "Friends" as Chandler's transexual Dad. I will now rip my earlobes off.

:lol

 

[DJ_Tet]

41. "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" (Wham!) -- This video is 10 times funnier when you know that A.) I definitely watched it that year; and B.) another 15 years passed before I realized that George Michael was gay, and only because he announced it.

:lol

I had this EXACT conversation two weeks ago with my ex when we were watching a Behind The Music with George Michael.

 

[Shinobi]

15. This was one of those golden NFL seasons, before free agency and parity ruined everything, when the good teams were almost like gangs. The Giants gang was led by Parcells and LT. The Bears had Payton and Ditka (one of the all-time "You just know they're going to be better a year from now" teams). The Redkins had Gibbs and that crazy offense. Miami had Marino and Shula. The Niners had Walsh and Montana. Denver had Elway and Reeves. The Raiders had Marcus and Al Davis. Even the Rams had Dickerson. Solid time to be a football fan. Although there wasn't DirecTV, gambling, fantasy football or the yellow first-down line yet. Let's just move on.

Fuck yeah. Think this was also the first full year that I watched the NFL as well.

19. The Hearns-Hagler fight . . . well, it was still being negotiated. It actually happened in April, 1985. But the seeds were PLANTED in 1984, dammit.

:lol

21. But seriously, this was the Olympics that gave us Carl Lewis, Edwin Moses, Mary Lou Retton, MJ on the hoops team, Mary Decker sobbing on the side of the track (a solid 87 on the UCR scale), and the great Mitch Gaylord (who parlayed his fame into an emotional performance in "American Anthem"). That's a solid two weeks.

Had to quote this...one because DM somehow missed the MJ reference, and two because Edwin Moses had one of the coolest streaks in the history of sports, winning 98 million 400 metre hurdle races in a row (well it was more like 147 races, but who's counting?).

23. "The Wave" became popular in 1984. I know, I know. I'm not happy about it, either. It was like the "Guy on his cell phone sitting behind home plate and waving" moment of the mid-'80s. But it happened. We can't pretend it didn't.

Wierd...I always thought it started at Mexico '86 (best World Cup ever BTW).

27. NBC's Thursday night lineup: "Cosby," "Family Ties," "Cheers," "Night Court" (which I hated, but still) and "Hill Street Blues." Just a murderer's row.

:lol Has any of the big four come close to that since? I doubt it. Lord almighty.

51. That's right, this was the holiday season when Band Aid came out with "Do They Know It's Christmas" -- one of the three greatest Christmas songs ever (along with that Crosby-Bowie song and Elvis's "Blue Christmas"). It's not officially Christmas until I hear this song. It just isn't. Well, tonight thank God it's them -- instead of yoooooooooou!

Hell the FUCK yeah...

55. "Beverly Hills Cop" -- Eddie goes from superstar to superduperstar. I still can't get over the fact that this movie was originally developed for Sly Stallone. That has to rank among the all-time "What If's?"

:lol So true...a cookie to the person who knows which movie Sly got instead.

BTW, it's hilarious that BHC was such a highly controversial movie due to it's language. These days it would barely make PG.

57. "The Terminator" -- Surprisingly, disturbingly dated now, on a number of levels, including the fact that the one-man killing machine now governs an entire state.

:lol Can't say I disagree either, though it still rules...Arnie's shootout in the police station might be the coolest movie scene of all time. I can imagine how much LA's black teenagers were high fiving when they saw that scene. :lol

73. The Heathers (Locklear and Thomas). Like the Russell and Chamberlain of their time.

Oh hell yeah...

83. During the same year -- yes, 1984 -- Rolling Stone was offered the chance to buy MTV, and Sports Illustrated was offered the chance to buy ESPN. Both magazines decided against it.



(I mean . . . ouch.)

Own3d.


BTW, props to Bill for mentioning Shannon Tweed.