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[Chrono]

A man carries his dog into the vet's office and says, "Doctor, you have to help me. My dog's not well." The vet lays the dog down and an examination table and puts a stethoscope to the dog's chest. He sighs as he straightens up and says, "I’m sorry, sir, but your dog is dead."

"That can't be," says the man, completely distraught. "I want a second opinion."

"Okay," shrugs the vet. He leaves the room only to return with a large tabby cat, which he sets down next to the dog on the examining table. The cat carefully sniffs the dog head to tail and the meows at the vet. The vet says, "The cat has confirmed it. The dog is dead."

"No, says the man, desperate in his grief. “You are both wrong."

"Okay," says the vet, and he goes out again, returning with a black Labrador retriever. The lab puts his forepaws up on the examining table and nudges the dog with his nose several times, but the dog doesn't budge. Then the lab barks at the vet.

Same diagnosis, I'm afraid," says the vet. Sobbing, the man says, "Okay, okay, I believe you. What do I owe you?

"That'll be $550," says the vet.

"What? Says the man. "That’s outrageous. Why so much?"

"Well, look," says the vet, "it’s $50 for my diagnosis. Then it's $250 for the cat scan and $250 for the lab test."


-------------------------------

Yeah yeah it's not that funny. I got it from a calculus book I'm reading.. which is probably why it's so funny to me.

 

[GG-Duo]

( - _____________________ - )

 

[belgurdo]

(-___________________________________________________________-)

I win

 

[Matlock]

What's the difference between Matlock and the coolest person ever?
























































Nothing.

 

[MrAngryFace]

Tre











































thats my joke/

 

[Matlock]

Tre


thats my joke/

:lol

 

[tt_deeb]

Why did Snoop Dogg have an umbrella?












































Fo'drizzle

 

[impirius]

What's the difference between a dead baby and a Quizno's sandwich?

Spoiler

YOU SHOULD ALL BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES

 

[Matlock]

What's the difference between a dead baby and a Quizno's sandwich?

Spoiler

YOU SHOULD ALL BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES

A dead baby doesn't neccessarily have to be toasted.

 

[MIMIC]

Why did Snoop Dogg have an umbrella?


Fo'drizzle

That was hilarious when I first heard it. :lol

 

[Cubsfan23]

A man proposes and his fiance accepts. The next day, he goes by himself to his future in-laws house, expecting a warm reception. To his surprise, only his mother in-law was there. He was informed that the father had to go on a business trip. After talking for 5 minutes, the mother-in-law went to the bathroom.
Suddenly, she steps out of the bathroom nude, looking like a goddess. "Before you take my daughter forever, make love to me right in the living room!" After getting over his initial shock, he decided to head out of the house and go to his car, saying nothing to the mother-in-law. 2 minutes later, he goes inside the house. The face of the father-in-law was the first he saw "Congratulations, you passed the test! Now we know you will be faithful to our daughter!" As he hugged them both, he breathed a sigh of relief that he kept condoms in the car instead of his wallet.



Q: What do Virgins eat?
A: That's what I thought.

 

[Ned Flanders]

"Well, look," says the vet, "it’s $50 for my diagnosis. Then it's $250 for the cat san and $250 for the lab test."

'Cat san' seems like a relatively nebulous concept. I think the joke might have been funnier with a replacement phrase. Something along the lines of..well something like...aw hell I dunno. Oh wait -that's it.."CAT SCAN!!" Replace 'cat san' with 'cat scan' and suddenly you have a punchline that may illicit laughter!!

Brilliant!



Humor is all in the execution folks..

 

[Chrono]

'Cat san' seems like a relatively nebulous concept. I think the joke might have been funnier with a replacement phrase. Something along the lines of..well something like...aw hell I dunno. Oh wait -that's it.."CAT SCAN!!" Replace 'cat san' with 'cat scan' and suddenly you have a punchline that may illicit laughter!!

Brilliant!



Humor is all in the execution folks..

Dammit I just noticed that.

It was actually cat scan in the book. ;__;

 

[Cubsfan23]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in
for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their
way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that
it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski
weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and
pay her a visit?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."







Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today.

I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire."

The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.

That night over dinner, the first man tells his story, "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch.

Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"

The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks.

I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and I had sex with her in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."

"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"

"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head"

 

[rs7k]

"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"

"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head

:lol

 

[belgurdo]

What's the difference between a dead baby and a Quizno's sandwich?

Spoiler

Damn baby doesn't cost eight bucks to stick in some bread and char broil

 

[MIMIC]

"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"

"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head"

I busted out laughing at that one. :lol :lol

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

:lol

 

[Particle Physicist]

Cubsfan wins!! :lol

 

[shuri]

Whats the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?

Spoiler

there's none, they both drip when fucked

edit: That was an hilarious joke when I was 13.

 

[LakeEarth]

Whats the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?

Spoiler

they both drip when fucked

That's not a difference....

 

[shuri]

Well I think I just had a Homer moment.