Mostly a lulz article, but lightheartedness is a welcome change from all of the Drumph threads.
Is there a massive government conspiracy to sabotage the economy? Are there secret agents working in your office, right now?
I don’t want to alarm you, but I fear there might be.
It could be the fat guy sitting next to you. The mumbling one with the mustache. Or the thin, high-strung woman down the hall.
Make no sudden movements, and edge casually towards the door.
Ever since Edward Snowden blew the whistle on Uncle Sam’s secret intelligence apparatus, we’ve all been a bit jumpy about government surveillance. How big is it? How far does it go?
An alarming document recently came into my hand which suggests the long, sinister arm of U.S. intelligence reaches far deeper into everyday office-life America than anyone had realized. Snowden. Noam Chomsky. Ron Paul. None of them had a clue.
The document is an operating manual for agents and saboteurs produced by U.S. intelligence during the Second World War. It was written by the Office of Strategic Services, the fore-runner of the Central Intelligence Agency. It revealed covert techniques for undermining economic activity – originally, that of Nazi-occupied Europe.
When I read it, I suddenly felt a chill running up and down my spine. Based on this document, agents are hard at work everywhere, sabotaging almost everything we do. Why our own government would do this is a matter for speculation. But then, do we ever know the real motives behind a conspiracy? Or maybe it’s a sinister foreign power who is using our own sabotage techniques against us?
You don’t believe me? Pulled directly from the manual, here are 10 giveaways that your co-worker, boss or employee is a highly-trained government agent trying to undermine your company:
1. They refuse to speed things up by taking sensible short-cuts. “Insist on doing everything through ‘channels,’” the field manual advises the agent. “Never permit short-cuts to be taken in order to expedite decisions.”
2. They talk and talk and talk when you are trying to get work done. “Make speeches,” the government advises agents. “Talk as frequently as possible and at great length. Illustrate your ‘points’ by long anecdotes and accounts of personal experiences. Never hesitate to make a few appropriate ‘patriotic’ comments….Bring up irrelevant issues as frequently as possible.”
3. They love committee meetings. “When possible, refer all matters to committees, for ‘further study and consideration,’” the agent is advised. “Attempt to make the committees as large as possible — never less than five.” Then “hold conferences when there is more critical work to be done.”
4. They nitpick. “Haggle over precise wordings of communications, minutes, resolutions,” says the field manual. “Insist on perfect work in relatively unimportant products” and “send back for refinishing those which have the least flaw.”
5. They keep trying to re-open settled decisions. Does your co-worker frequently “refer back to matters decided upon at the last meeting and attempt to re-open the question of the advisability of that decision?” Spy.
6. They delay everything with endless worries. “Advocate ‘caution,’” the manual advises the operative who is trying to undermine an organization. “Be ‘reasonable’ and urge your fellow-conferees to be ‘reasonable’ and avoid haste which might result in embarrassments or difficulties later on.” They worry about “whether such action as is contemplated lies within the jurisdiction of the group or whether it might conflict with the policy of some higher echelon.” They “apply all regulations to the last letter.” Do you have someone in your office who acts like this? They may be a spy.
7. They grind you down with endless, pointless bureaucracy and form-filling. They “multiply paperwork in plausible ways,” according to the manual. They “multiply the procedures and clearances involved in issuing instructions, pay checks, and so on” and “see that three people have to approve everything where one would do.”
8. They “spread disturbing rumors that sound like inside dope.”
9. Mismanage. Government agents in management have a powerful arsenal at their disposal. “To lower morale and with it, production,” the intelligence agency advises them, “be pleasant to inefficient workers; give them undeserved promotions. Discriminate against efficient workers; complain unjustly about their work.” Does your boss favor the office idiot? Do you have incompetent co-workers who are constantly getting perks or promotions they don’t deserve? Is your hard work constantly overlooked? Your boss is a saboteur secretly working for the intelligence service.
10. And if all else fails, the saboteur can simply be incompetent. “Work slowly,” the manual advises the saboteur. “Pretend that instructions are hard to understand, and ask to have them repeated more than once… Do your work poorly and blame it on bad tools, machinery, or equipment,” and “snarl up administration in every possible way.”
Do you have anyone in your office who fits any of these descriptions?
You can see why I am worried.
There is only one conclusion.
Either there is a massive secret campaign by U.S. intelligence services to spy on offices and undermine the economy, or half the people in your office are so incompetent and awful that their behavior actually fits the definition of “enemy sabotage” laid down by the CIA.
You make the call.