I really don't know where I am spiritually anymore. I was pretty much faithless for a longtime until I met my fiancee.
She got me back into Islam. I read everything I could and went to as many seminars and meetings as I could.. Sociological perspectives, Political perspectives etc... I just devoured information like mad. Helped alot when it came to debates, allowing for a conversation to go beyond verse throwing. Having regained my faith, my religious family actually grew closer to me. But the "germs" in me from my faithless period remained in the form of my opinions and ideas.
My fiancee is a hijabi. Not one of those hijabis that wear it because it's fashionable to do so in the community but because she truly believes in it. The first thing she said to me when we began our relationship was that God comes first, then her mum and me last. At the time I felt alright with it, don't expect to be number 1 everywhere.
Throughout our relationship, my ideas and opinions always remained controversial. She worried that any kids we'd have would grow up faithless if I had my way and would end up doing the same things I did. I was involved in hard drugs during my late teens and was the personification of the angry internet atheist. I trolled like mad and grew extremely notorious for it in my hometown. Ended up couch-surfing for a couple months because my family wanted nothing to do with me.
She fell in love with me during my periods of sobriety and helped me clean-up. Stuck with me through the depression afterwards and made sure that I came out of it as healthy as I could.
Fast-forward a couple years and the "lazy" attitude I have towards our faith has ruined our relationship and we're taking a break from each other, to think about what we want from life.
I am not the most public of Muslims. I prefer to pray privately and I like to study my faith in seclusion as well. I don't go about making a big show of my faith. People in our local community have interpreted that as a "lack of faith" and you can imagine the gossip that's has spawned from it. The things people say are so virulent that my fiancee's faith in me has been shaken.
My faith itself is nearly gone. I feel this emptiness inside me and I really don't know how to fix it. I don't like being without faith but I can't force myself to believe in something that I have started to vehemently oppose. I cannot stand the sight of a hijab, a congregation or the mosque anymore. I've alienated nearly all my Muslim friends and most of my family refuses to talk to me anymore.
I really don't know what to do anymore. I've started up on the drugs again and I've added alcohol to the mix. Sobriety is far and apart now and I think I've committed every major sin there is. 99% of the time, I end up regaining consciousness in someone else's house.
I think I've screwed up really badly.
Asalaamu Alaykum Wa Rahmetullahi Wa Barekatahu
Bismillah iRahmen iRaheem
Don't despair brother, as Allah says in the Qur'an: “Tell them (O Muhammad ): ‘O My slaves who have wronged their souls, do not despair of Allah’s mercy, for Allah will forgive all the sins. He is indeed very Forgiving, very Compassionate, Turn to Him then, and obey Him (in all your affairs).’” (Al-Zumar:53,54). Forgiveness is forthcoming for those who seek it in the best of ways.
It is never too late, as the Beloved of God (sullAllahu alayhi wasalaam) said; 'Allah accepts the servant’s repentance until they take their last breath.' (Tirmidhi).
It seems indeed that you have had wrong done to you, both by others, and by yourself. Sincere repentance is the surest way to move beyond that which afflicts you. No sin is insurmountable, remember that, but sincere repentance only comes with an associated leaving behind of sin. It cannot be expected that ones repentance will be excepted when one maintains the same thing for which repentance is sought. Forgiveness, both that of God, and those whom you feel you have harmed (including yourself), is one of the greatest things that you can do in order to free yourself from the things that are causing you harm.
If you find this an almost insurmountable obstacle, it can be good to seek out those who make you remember God. There are religious people who are judgemental and full of slander. Such people may be inside far worse than you think yourself. Find those who are gentle but stringent in their faith, they are people with whom, through association with, you will elevate yourself.
It can be easy to feel overwhelmed, especially when one who was a pillar of support for you is no longer around. There are people out there though who can take that place. Surrounding yourself with people of the religion who will support you is one of the greatest steps you can take towards moving away from harmful behaviour.
Make dua that you are brought from your affliction, and repent for the wrongs you feel you have done yourself and others. Trust in God's word, 'verily with hardship comes ease'.
As to drugs, I do not know the steps you have taken to manage your addictions, or if indeed you consider such things as addictions. Either way, seeking out people familiar with the treatment of such things is important. Repairing your life can only be done in a state of sobriety and that is not only a Muslim position. The effect that drugs can have on your relationships with your family, with your friends and most importantly with your fiancee, can be, and seems to have been, devastating.
If you recognise this factor as a cause for the kind of problems you describe, you are also able to see some problems that are not a cause for blame upon yourself.
You are not responsible for people's judgements of you. This religion is not for them, your worship is not for them. This religion, your worship, is for God alone. If you are 'obnoxious' to people as you describe, you are not being obnoxious to some random person, you are being obnoxious to God. Every single relationship you have, with those who love you, and with those who despise you, is, at the end of the day, a relationship with the Most High.
Even your relationship with whatever drugs consume you is the same. Take solace and strength from that, but also be fearful, for certain things are disliked for a reason. Despising the things of the religion will not change your state for the better. Neither will drugs, or even working things out with your fiancee. The greatest thing that will change your state for the better, is to seek out a contentment with God, where the bad and the good effect you not at all. Find that, and any of the problems you describe, drugs, girls, whatever, will fade away.
I can say that because I have experienced some measure of the same thing.
You are in my dua brother, keep me in yours insha'Allah. And God knows best.
Walaykum Salaam Wa Rahmetullah
- Will