Not-edit: looks like i managed to write a lot, perhaps too much. Not good at saying things in simple manner.
EDIT: a fucking long post for asking advice about how to make a character interesting, for myself and others, while keeping him/her "gray", yet on the side of the "good" (ie whatever the party is).
EDIT: I'm not good at thinking wants and desires for my character because i don't have almost any IRL (for example, material possessions or "social status" are are quite irrelevant for me). At least not anything that would make interesting character.
What do your characters want? What do they do with their wants? Why? What kind of characters do you play anyway?
Some notes: we have homebrewn system, with character-"story"-centric focus, campaign story as secondary focus. Basically loot, character stat/item building and combat are not important in themselves overall, though at least one in our group does like loot a lot.
Next play session is the 30th (we've played about a year i think), and my current character is my 3rd, first one died after going crazy (and being removed from the game for a time), my second one didn't continue the "quest" because of quite similar situation as i'm now.
I wonder because i can't figure out myself and my character.
As a player, i'm not motivated by gaining something: loot, treasure, power, levels, XP are irrelevant things for me usually (i tried playing a character who was after loot and treasure but that lead to other problems).
Challenge doesn't appeal to me either really, usually because i don't perceive challenge as challenge when it is for the whole party. Personal challenge would be okay, but only if it is offered for me, i don't seek it. Were i to seek it, i'd try to "break" the GM's world, conquer it, manipulate it or something like that.
I do like affecting the world and the story but currently i can't really do it with my current character (we're trying to figure out some future for me with our GM but i figured i could ask for advice and ideas here too). Also the way the party and the world is structured, it is difficult for me to do this to the extent i like within short time span, i have no patience for things taking a long time. In real time that is, we play perhaps bi-weekly as it is so most in-universe long term things would take way too much time IRL for me to stay interested.
The irony here is that i don't like playing characters that would excel at causing change (such as charismatic, leading characters), this is because if i were to play such one, i'd easily be too domineering, unbending, as a player, which would cause strife, out of character. I never "lead" the party as a player, it isn't something i do, or like to do.
My current character is something like a warlock, a demon summoner but not evil (more like "fight fire with fire" type). Lawful-neutral is probably the closest alignment using the classic chart, though i'm very close to true neutral due to the events in our campaign. In other words a bad spot because it leads to "i don't care" attitude, or "i care only about myself", neither of which are good for the party and the game, or myself.
Perhaps there is a way to play a true neutral without falling for either but i know i can't do it.
I can't figure out what he wants. His powers, summoning and controlling demons has always been merely a tool, basically for fighting against other evil that live in his homeland. Unfortunately current events have lead this to become somewhat irrelevant, the nation is small, unimportant thing in the larger world, and doesn't offer anything, nor is it thankful for my character either, so basically he doesn't feel much loyalty for it.
The demonic power is tempting, of course. But unfortunately giving in to the temptation would merely mean the character would become something of an evil overlord, which is not what i want as player (it would affect the story and the world a lot, but would also splinter the party and destroy any story the GM has thought of), and it doesn't make a good redemption story either, since there is no proper fall. If i were playing a heroic character, fall and redemption would make a powerful personal story withing the world, allowing me to do what i like as a player: affect the game's story a lot.
Right now the "fall" would be merely a step to a certain direction, and our party would probably feel obliged to stop my character, but not redeem him. And even if they were, i don't see anything to redeem, the change would be too slight for my character to ever realize that he has fallen, realistically speaking.
But what else? I figure my character would like obtaining knowledge and lore, and doing magical research but i can't figure any uses for them, why my character would like them. Perhaps "just for the sake of it" but that's not fun in long-term, what else there would be but to repeat it?
Yes, i'm ignoring that the things in the game story can change but i need to figure out at least something for long term, some sort guide-line. And frankly, i have this problem nearly always, with all characters, i'm very bad at wanting, or acting like i want something.
I can't think of any way making my character any more heroic either, realistically. He's a cynic, who has lived all of his life in a place that is petty, weak, unimportant and intolerant of what my character is. Perhaps over long time BUT something would have to start me to that path (our party certainly won't do that*, and there are no other heroes in the world that would inspire my character either), and i feel it would take way too long IRL so i wouldn't have patience for it.
And of course, i don't really like the concept of a heroic warlock. A warlock helping the good guys, sure, but only because it is beneficial for him and/or his "order" as well (which i don't have).
Can't make a new character either at this point really, it would be fourth and there's no good reason to get rid of my current one. And unfortunately there is no reasonable way to get my character killed in combat either, going to the frontline, to the danger proper would feel very out of place, in- and out-of-character.
I don't mind characters dying, as long as it is a "good death".
*Party consists:
-A priest, of sorts, who is awful as a priest (atheist player playing a priest is very, very difficult clearly, which is why i don't even try though it would be interesting). Sort of mage-healer-melee hybrid. Tries being good guy, nominal leader (but awful in that job as well).
-A selfish jerkass adventurer-archaeologist necromancer-mage-melee hybrid (a necromancer who helps the cycle of life, not a summoner type). Selfish needs to be mentioned again.
-A crossbow-wielding tinker/rogue. Now turned to something like a human but "better". Not sure about motivations, figure the player has them figured out, in-character it kind of looks like the rogue is just tagging along as it is.
-Me, warlock, specializing in summoning magic.
EDIT One problem i have is that i need feedback and suggestions and someone else to provide options and challenges for thinking my character and his/her story, our current GM leaves a bit too much of that for us alone, i need to talk to him about this... It is his world, not mine. I like knowing the rules and then i can do as much as i want/can within those rules. Finding out rules is not what i like.