Relationship question.

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words are pretty cheap, and she can be on her best behavior to "prove" something for as long as she feels she needs to keep it up. What are her true motivations? Is she tired of risky relationships with jerks and has decided you're the "safest bet"?

You deserve better than that.
 
She cheated on you and doesn't want to talk about it like nothing happened and go on as business as usual?

Game over.


OP, how do you expect other people to respect you when you don't have any for yourself?
 
Personally, no, once trust is gone, there's no saving it. You can rekindle passion, you can learn to communicate better, or search for more common interests. But you can't fix broken trust, at least if you're trying for something serious and meaningful.
 
The truth is...you never really know a person. Words are easy, but it's what in their head that matters. The only thing you can do, paradoxically, is trust her words. Is it worth the risk again?
 
la flama blanca said:
says its in the past, and to just forget about it. Like it's that simple. All I want to do is talk about it at least.
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"I want to be able to do what I want without any consequences or being judged."

This is all about her and you're just supposed to go with it huh?


says its in the past, and to just forget about it.

says its in the past, and to just forget about it.

says its in the past, and to just forget about it.

says its in the past, and to just forget about it.


says its in the past, and to just forget about it.

She cheated on you and she's the one giving some sort of ultimatum?
 
CarpeDeezNutz said:
"I want to be able to do what I want without any consequences or being judged."

This is all about her and you're just supposed to go with it huh?


says its in the past, and to just forget about it.

says its in the past, and to just forget about it.

says its in the past, and to just forget about it.

says its in the past, and to just forget about it.


says its in the past, and to just forget about it.

She cheated on you and she's the one giving some sort of ultimatum?
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Yeah I really can't fathom how the OP is even considering continuing this farce.

"I just want to talk to her." What are you even going to say?
 
I don't think it's impossible to make a relationship work after one partner cheats, but I do think it's impossible when one partner cheats and then refuses to even entertain having a conversation about their mistake.
 
la flama blanca said:
Has anyone ever managed to salvage or rebuild a relationship that has a history of infidelity with someone they were involved for a lengthy period of time? If someone tried their best to really show you they love you, but has a history of lying and being untrustworthy, would you take them back?
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They basically just want your affection when it's convenient, when they're not being hit up by other acquaintances. Just going to keep using you man, so go the other way.
 
If you're considering taking her back the least she can do is talk about it. If she can't do that for you don't even bother. She has to realize that it hurt you way more than it could ever "hurt" her.
 
la flama blanca said:
She's telling me to simply just forgive her for it and she wont talk about it because it hurts her too much. I wan't to talk about it, but she doesnt want to.
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Yeah, sorry, but this would definitely, without a doubt, be a no go for me. This is serious shit, and in a relationship, you gots to talk about the serious shit.
 
No.

Because no matter how much hard you are pretending everything is ok, or everything is still the same, it was all nothing more than just a facade.
 
It honestly, in my opinion, depends on how hard you are willing to work to restore the trust, how much pain you are willing to suffer, and how much you love them.

And that's on the cheating parties part.

On the others part? I just comes down to if you want to endure the pain or not. If you don't, get the fuck out.
 
I don't think I could do it. It would always be in the back of my mind whether this person was banging someone behind my back.
 
This probably doesn't help at all, I was with a girl recently who cheated on her boyfriend a month with me. The whole time I thought is this what I really want? If she is going to do that to him, why not me down the road. We broke up and are still friends, but even then I think it and when I see her with other guys at work I absolutely see her doing it again. She does the same with them that started with me.

Never could trust someone like that.
 
It simple, if she destroyed your life after the break up. Would you give her a free pass?
If you keep insist to take her back, at least make her crawl over the hell first before you give her an open arms.
If she really love you, she will do everything for you no matter what.

But if she's playing a game on you during all of those time, then you could dump her directly after you give her a hand. Throw a salt and pinch a lemon over her wound while it still fresh then move on and never looking back, let her rotten in her own hell.

Don't buy the high road because in the end you are still gonna be all alone to endure all the pain, to struggle with all the breakdown and agony from the broken relationship you had...
Are you being heartless by doing that? Immature? Nobody care, not even her. So why should you give her an easier way?

Revenge is a dish best served cold my ass.
 
Poindexter said:
yes. I knew when she did because of how different she became. I would notice again. But even more important is that I dont have the need to snoop because we were able to rebuild trust. There's only so long that you can bash your brain in while going through her emails before you realize she's not actually doing anything and now you are harming the relationship.

I know what most gaffers will say and think but *shrug*.
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I'm with you.

My girlfriend cheated on my at the end of school after dating for about five months. I started dating her again after a couple months, and the truth came out a few months ago.

After talking extensively about it, I can't completely fault her for having fucked up thoughts given her history with other guys and friend groups. She messed up, and I think that it's better to forgive her and work on the issues.

I've been through a lot of pain by sticking with my girlfriend, but things keep getting better. I'm not paranoid, and trust is certainly rebuilding. It really depends on how much you see in her and under what circumstances she cheated on you.
 
I believe a successful relationship/marriage has to have a core for it to work. Trust and Respect being that core. Any other issues that arise can be worked through but if you don't have the trust or respect of one another the infidelity or abandonment will probably continue. This is not even including adding kids to the mix. Good marriages and relationships are hard and easy at the same time. :/ Going through some stuff with my wife now about different things. It is hard.
 
After reading her response to you, she sounds really immature, which isn't necessarily the end of the world, but you really gotta talk to her. It's bullshit if she refuses.
 
OP, the problem with these threads is that. You kinda set it up as a yes/no question. Of course it's possible.

There are couples out there who have managed to do it. Though it would be extremely difficult I would say. A lot of infidelity is not about the act itself but the trust. And once you have portrayed your partner once, it is such a massive withdrawel on the trust-account, that for her to prove to you. For you to be comfortable and not worried sick when she gets out partying without you that she will fool around. That's the thing.
And it's not just your thing either. You have perfectly good reasons to not trust her based on her betrayal. Being a push over that looks away does not seem to be the best idea either.


Maybe you have a better shot if you're different people than you were before. I think changes are important for two people to get back together.
But changing is difficult. And changing for the better (according to the other person) is extremely hard to tell. You might as well evolve into different people who won't have anything for each other anymore.



Finally, everything is a risk. going back to an ex is a risk. being with a risk. Anyone is capable of cheating at any moment. Every day it happens that tons of people are unfaithful despite never having been it before or not being the type. People cheat for all sorts of reasons.
If your ego can't handle it, then that's understandable. Mine would not be happy with it.



Don't be afraid to make mistakes. life experiences are valuable. you might go into this with a cynical point of view. But then explain to her. Explain to her the paradox, of you having no idea on earth how you could trust her in the company of others without the possibility of her being unfaithful again! Maybe she too can see the conundrum. Or maybe you two will have a open relationship. There is no right or wrong way to do this.


But as you can see from the other posters, I'll too put my money on that continuing were you left off is very very difficult if not almost impossible.
 
la flama blanca said:
She's telling me to simply just forgive her for it and she wont talk about it because it hurts her too much. I wan't to talk about it, but she doesnt want to.
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What? You need to leave her and find someone else. That is honestly just insulting to you. How does it hurt her that YOU got cheated on? If it hurt so much, then why did she do it in the first place? Honestly, the only way it will work is if she's willing to talk about it since their was obviously an issue that wasn't addressed. If she unwilling to even speak about it, then it just shows that she's not sorry and doesn't want to work on the issues and therefore a waste of your time. I'd say move on. It may suck at the beginning but it will be worth it. There's no reason to stay with someone who respects you this little.
 
OP it is possible to fix things but one of the key ingredients is communication. Who what when why etc... the two of you have to be honest about desires with each other etc... Since you can't even speak about it neither of you will grow from it. Toss the baby out with the bath water on this one. how old are you two btw?
 
There is no way you can begin to move on or rebuild love and trust with any amount of uncertainty about what she did. She cheated two or three times? You have to know exactly what she did. You also have to know why. Not only for your benefit but for hers too. Also, is she really afraid of losing you or is she aftaid of the pain and guilt that she will have to confront if she loses you? That she is unwilling to address your questions will kill any chance you have of moving forward.

She's a liar and a whore and a slut. I dont blame her for not wanting to face that reality. But no one can fix their bad habits or behaviors without acknowledging them. If she's not willing to do that then you should not have to put yourself through the daily pain and reminder of what she did to you. And that is what you will endure if you stay.
 
la flama blanca said:
Has anyone ever managed to salvage or rebuild a relationship that has a history of infidelity with someone they were involved for a lengthy period of time? If someone tried their best to really show you they love you, but has a history of lying and being untrustworthy, would you take them back?
Click to expand...

No, it won't work.
 
Understanding that all people are different of course, I can tell you from the cheaters standpoint, that changing a habitual pattern of cheating is not something that is done overnight.

It takes a strong commitment from the offender and a lot of support/trust from the one who was cheated on, and even then it doesn't guarantee success. So the first question would be, do you think this person is TRULY sorry and working to get past that behavior? I'd guess from her comments of "it's in the past", that this likely not the case.
 
CarpeDeezNutz said:
Short answer no, would not take them back but for curiosity sake,

How long the relationship and how many times the cheating?

Why does the person want you back? Why do you think this person wants you back?
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I think this covers the basic questions.

If it's a full-on HISTORY, then it doesn't sound good.

If it was a one-time thing, then your mileage may vary more (I guess ask if that person's whole measure is subject to a moment of weakness -- I know all won't see it as leniently, and I know some will have trouble getting over a "hiccup" like cheating even if it was only once). Also, was it a kiss? Was it just flirting? Was it a full "horizontal hump-and-pump session"?
 
Vigilant Walrus said:
OP, the problem with these threads is that. You kinda set it up as a yes/no question. Of course it's possible.

There are couples out there who have managed to do it. Though it would be extremely difficult I would say. A lot of infidelity is not about the act itself but the trust. And once you have portrayed your partner once, it is such a massive withdrawel on the trust-account, that for her to prove to you. For you to be comfortable and not worried sick when she gets out partying without you that she will fool around. That's the thing.
And it's not just your thing either. You have perfectly good reasons to not trust her based on her betrayal. Being a push over that looks away does not seem to be the best idea either.


Maybe you have a better shot if you're different people than you were before. I think changes are important for two people to get back together.
But changing is difficult. And changing for the better (according to the other person) is extremely hard to tell. You might as well evolve into different people who won't have anything for each other anymore.



Finally, everything is a risk. going back to an ex is a risk. being with a risk. Anyone is capable of cheating at any moment. Every day it happens that tons of people are unfaithful despite never having been it before or not being the type. People cheat for all sorts of reasons.
If your ego can't handle it, then that's understandable. Mine would not be happy with it.



Don't be afraid to make mistakes. life experiences are valuable. you might go into this with a cynical point of view. But then explain to her. Explain to her the paradox, of you having no idea on earth how you could trust her in the company of others without the possibility of her being unfaithful again! Maybe she too can see the conundrum. Or maybe you two will have a open relationship. There is no right or wrong way to do this.


But as you can see from the other posters, I'll too put my money on that continuing were you left off is very very difficult if not almost impossible.
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I think this post is pretty much spot on. It's different for every relationship and not a yes/no question. The red flag in your situation is her inability to communicate. Communication is the key if you plan on rebuilding this relationship. It's over before you try if she refuses to.

Best of luck in whatever you choose.
 
la flama blanca said:
Has anyone ever managed to salvage or rebuild a relationship that has a history of infidelity with someone they were involved for a lengthy period of time? If someone tried their best to really show you they love you, but has a history of lying and being untrustworthy, would you take them back?
Click to expand...

It's up to you, honestly. If you truly believe that the person loves you and only you and is making every attempt to show you that, and you feel like you can trust the person again, then by all means do give it a try.

But understand that you will be the one trying. And no matter how hard they try, you'll still be the one beating down questions in your head, and fighting to trust. It's more work for you in the long run than it will be for them by any stretch of the imagination.

And know too that it's just trying...you shouldn't feel like you have to take them back, and you can even decide that whatever they are doing isn't good enough to earn your trust, or that you simply can't trust them again despite their best efforts. Sure that might be heartbreaking to them, but it's still just as bad for you...worse even, since you endured what you did.

Feel no obligation, but do what you want to do. If it works, great. Lots of couples work through infidelity and hell, some of them come out stronger. Others don't, and that's just as important to know and accept.
 
Yes, my best friend married the woman who cheated on him. They did split up at that time. For 5 years or something like that. But they kept in contact and now they are happy, two kids, etc.

They were in their teens when they first had a relationship.
 
Nope. Nope. Nope.

Cheat once and it's a wrap. One of the few rules that shouldn't be broken. There are rare exceptions. Like Shiny Lugia rare.
 
la flama blanca said:
9 years, not sure maybe 2 or 3.
Claims shes just deeply in love, over and over. I know she does, truly, yet, I am incredibly angry about the things in the past. Also, it's extremely difficult to even address these issues. The bigger problem is because of issues with anxiety at certain points in the relationship, I never had the balls to confront her at the time. It made me a bitter miserable person, not being tough enough to just talk about these things with her, I was extremely insecure. Now, I'm much better about it, yet I do have strong feelings for her. All of this feels terrible, I have trouble trusting her, but she does everthing in her power to tell me she loves me more than anything in this world.
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Simply - no. Been there done that with the girl I was at the time engaged to. The hardest thing is to walk away because you've got the promise/potential for 'one more go' with them.

But the trust is gone.

Maybe you'll buck the trend, maybe it'd work out for you both - but after 9 years together and she still cheated what guarantees do you have?

I don't doubt she's remorseful, I don't doubt she loves you, but that doesn't change that she cheated despite this - and will sadly likely cheat again.

It's going to be impossibly hard to walk away and move on, but you owe it to yourself. You'll find a new love, one who doesn't make you this bitter person and hurt you in this way. It'll take time but you'll get there.

Time to put yourself first.
 
Yup it's certainly possible, but it's not easy.

If she really isn't willing to talk about it and take true responsibility, then it's very likely a big no-no. In the new relationship the trust needs to to be built on a steady foundation and that foundation needs talking everything through.

It's certainly painful just saying no and leaving her out of your life, but it's probably the best move. You'll be alright in the end.
 
There is no black and white answer to this.

I cheated once and still regret it to this day. I can honestly say i'll never let that happen again.

But then i know some people that have been cheating occasionally all their lives.

It all depends on how much they regret doing it.
 
Did you catch her, or did she confess the cheating?

Makes a difference. A cheater admits to their cheating because they're feeling guilt / anxiety / stress from their actions and they fear you'll find out. They fear not having control of how and when their infidelity will come to light. They admit their actions to shift those burdens from themselves over to you. It's an incredibly selfish act.

A cheater that feels genuine remorse will resolve not to repeat their actions, to be a better partner to you, and they'll handle their own guilt and anxiety on their own instead of dumping it onto you.
 
People aren't design designed to only ever be with one person, Its in our DNA to have multiple partners. I'm not saying its OK to cheat only that its understandable.
If they seem sincerer and you both want to give it another go id say go for it, but don't be surprised if it were to happen again.

Maybe try an open relationship.
 
TomServo said:
Did you catch her, or did she confess the cheating?

Makes a difference. A cheater admits to their cheating because they're feeling guilt / anxiety / stress from their actions and they fear you'll find out. They fear not having control of how and when their infidelity will come to light. They admit their actions to shift those burdens from themselves over to you. It's an incredibly selfish act.

A cheater that feels genuine remorse will resolve not to repeat their actions, to be a better partner to you, and they'll handle their own guilt and anxiety on their own instead of dumping it onto you.
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Even then, for me the deal is off then and there. I don't have the energy to try and "save" something like that. If she cheated, it means the relationship isn't good enough to be worth saving anyway. That's really the bottom line in my book.
 
la flama blanca said:
Has anyone ever managed to salvage or rebuild a relationship that has a history of infidelity with someone they were involved for a lengthy period of time? If someone tried their best to really show you they love you, but has a history of lying and being untrustworthy, would you take them back?
Click to expand...

Once the trust is broken what's the point? I mean yea I did it when I was younger but that was more about my fear of being alone than actually be able to forgive and heal the relationship.

In the end it's just not worth the effort. I want someone that respects my time and my heart.
 
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